21
Window Reflections
Dead Men Leave No Trails
She was going to need a moment, a few moments she was sure before she would be able to plunge into the boisterous, busy family life that had just swept into and filled up her kitchen. She wasn't sure if she was going to get them, but she bet if she could just stay quiet out here for a bit, she might have some time to collect herself. Ducking into the shadows around the corner (something she had gotten quite good at doing over the past three years) she listened as Lee's "beautiful silver sports car" roared to life and took off down the street. It seemed strange that she was now out here alone because she could still feel his arms around her waist and that sweet quick kiss on her lips. No, she wasn't ready to switch gears yet.
She shook her head and took a deep breath, touching her lips. Gosh! She just needed to get her feet back on the ground. That last brief moment had sent her spinning. Sure, she was used to Lee grabbing her and whisking her off somewhere – like earlier today when he had grabbed her in the park to get her out of sight of Sallee. And sure, she had been tantalizingly close to him numerous times. Close to him in an embrace, with a look, with a word… and a couple of times with a kiss. But this time…. Ohhh… This one was a real, intentional kiss. This was a first kiss. And what was that second brief almost kiss? That one still had her heart in her throat! Why had he done that? He had left her there stunned. Had he left her wanting more on purpose? It was tantalizing and definitely felt different than anything she had experienced with him before. But she knew that she had not just been with that old playboy he had been in the first years she had been getting to know him. She was pretty certain that that Lee had been gone for ages now. No, this was different.
She had been hoping for another evening with Lee since the jazz concert the other night. She and Lee had enjoyed that entire concert wrapped up in each other. It had felt so natural. But as soon as the lights in the house had come back on, they'd had to separate. It was funny, she had felt like a teenager all over again, cuddling with a boy in a dark movie theater. She supposed it made sense, it's not like it had been a date – after all Billy had been there and she knew that interoffice relationships broke protocol at the Agency. It wasn't like either of them were denying what was growing between them, but they hadn't really talked about it either. Well, they hadn't really had a chance to. After the show, they had gone to dinner with "Billy Bluenote" and King Eddie and his family and then Lee had to leave with Billy to wrap stuff up at the Agency, since he'd spent the afternoon with her at the Credit Union. He hadn't even been able to give her a ride home.
That night she'd had trouble sleeping. She could still feel the sensation of his arms wrapped around her. It was as if every bit of her was charged with electricity. And when she did finally sleep, her dreams were full of Lee – full of moments like tonight.
She didn't like that she couldn't go to the science fair with her family, but she was glad that she would have the house to herself for a couple of days. She could fly around the house making sure Mother and the boys had everything they needed for their trip, she could see them off on the train, and she could distract herself from what was transpiring between her and Lee and what was flooding through those now open gates of her heart. But she had also given herself permission to invite Lee through that newly opened door at any moment he decided to knock. So, she had picked up a couple of steaks hoping that if the opportunity presented itself, she could invite Lee over for dinner. It was a bold move on her part, she knew it. But she was ready… ready for something just like Sandra had said the other week.
Besides this ever-present current flowing through her, what had made the past two days so amazing was the way she had been able to crack this last case. Crypto hadn't been able to make anything out of Millicent's diary. But she had been able to dig into it, find the clues and put them all together. And Lee had recognized it, had encouraged and supported her. He had partnered with her and acknowledge that she needed to go to Millicent's when he had told her to stay in the office. And when all was said and done, he had told Billy about her work, giving credit where credit was due. It wasn't a totally new dynamic between them, but she still felt it every time they worked together like that. She loved this new sense of partnership and she was beginning to recognize that instead of it being a stretch and a learning curve for Lee, he seemed to be enjoying it too. Together, they had been able to keep everyone – including the vice president – safe and had finally caught Salee, the terrorist who the authorities thought had been dead for years. Yes, professionally it had been a good day – well as far as a day in the life of an IFF agent could be great. It sure had been scary earlier in the day when Salee had been following her, and finding Millicent's body had been awful. But unfortunately, these were things she was beginning to learn to cope with. It was part of the job, as Lee often reminded her.
So, when all the excitement at the hotel had ended today and Lee had stepped towards her, with his nonchalant "another day, another dollar," she hadn't hesitated. He was so different in that moment than he had ever been with her. He wasn't suave or smooth, he was just her beautiful Lee, this handsome, complicated man that had become her good friend and now seemed to be offering something more of himself to her. He had his hands in his pockets – asking her what we do for an encore after a day like this? What WE do? She chuckled to herself thinking about that moment. It was almost as if he really didn't know what "we" do. We? The two of them together? Like a couple? Like normal people? He seemed to like the idea of giving it a try. She did too!
Her heart started to pound in her chest now just thinking about it. It had been so nice to make a dinner for two, to have Lee park his car in front of the house, to greet him at the door, both of them in jeans, comfortable and relaxed, and to sit at the kitchen table and talk with the ease of their good friendship. Sure, they'd had dinner together before. Sure, he had been here before, alone with just her. There had been that time he had hid out there, years before as they were just beginning to get to know one another. Back then he had scoffed at the idea of experiencing some sort of normal in life. She had been sure back then that a bit of "normal" might be exactly what he had needed. Tonight, it seemed as if he had been eagerly hoping to experience normal, for her to introduce him to it, to invite him into it… and with her! As if it wasn't just some "normal" that he wanted to try, but it was specifically "normal" with her, "normal" in her home, in her kitchen, on her couch!
During dinner, sitting companionably at the kitchen table, they had talked about so many different things. She had shared some more stories of her life with her mother and the boys, the stories taking on a different texture because she was in her home where they had occurred. In return, Lee had told her a couple more stories about himself when he had been a boy. They had talked about the case a bit more as they stood at the sink finishing up the dishes. Just being like that with Lee was so comfortable and companionable. To be honest, it was something she had always dreamed of having. Even during her marriage to Joe, she had never fully been able to experience that sort of companionship.
And then they had taken the cake and coffee to the couch. She was keenly aware of their closeness, of the warmth of Lee's knee touching hers. She didn't think she would have actually been able to even eat that cake because of the butterflies fluttering around inside of her. And she hadn't been sure if he had actually cleared his throat to get her attention or what. But as soon as she looked up at him and saw the look in his eyes, she knew she was like a moth drawn to the flame. The way he looked at her was so different now. It was as if he was asking her a question. And this time she wasn't hesitant at all to answer him.
She had put down her cake. He had reached for her and had drawn her to him. He had breathed her name in ways she had only dreamed of hearing. Now that she was thinking about it, she wondered what he would have said if she had given him the chance. He had sounded as if he was about to explain something, tell her something important, new, something weighty. He had sounded nervous in a way. But she hadn't given him a chance. She had reached for his face, drawn him to her, gladly willing to meet him in a long waited for, hoped for, dreamed for kiss. She had wanted to answer him with a resounding "yes" to whatever it was that he was asking or telling her. Yes, she wanted to join him in whatever it was that they were stepping forward into. Yes, she was willing to open herself up to whatever he had to offer.
But then the reality of her life had exploded into that moment. Normal with her meant Mother and the boys – even if it was because they had come home unexpectedly early. Funny though how their sudden entrance hadn't sent him fleeing. She had been the one to scoot him out the door, afraid that they might be discovered. Thinking about it right now, she had the impression that he wouldn't have cared in that moment to be caught on the couch embracing her like that. But she had sent Lee jumping over the couch and out the door and then followed him hoping that he hadn't left yet, hoping for just a little bit more time together out here in the dark before the moment of this evening evaporated. None of it had evaporated for her yet! That was for sure. She could still touch the reality of it all. Before she had even shut the door, she was immediately pulled back into Lee's embrace. His eyes telling her that he had enjoyed being with her tonight, that he wanted to continue this another time, that he wasn't going to regret this and take it back as he had so many times in the past, that he was right there with her, that the moment on the couch hadn't been some brief lapse of thought. He had been so wonderfully intentional as he had drawn her to himself and had planted one – just one- ever so brief sweet kiss on her lips. And then he had tantalizingly moved in for more and had just as tantalizingly withdrawn and slipped off into the dark - leaving her stunned, tingling, and smiling what she was sure the goofiest grin she had ever smiled.
She was going to have to go back inside before her mother came outside looking for her. Turning back towards the door she stopped outside the window and looked at the scene inside. Now she was the one lurking outside her own home, looking in at her own family life. She wondered if this was how Lee had often felt as he had lurked outside that very window for the past three years, observing the life going on inside her house. Had he spent time standing here contemplating the life inside her home and whether or not he could be a part of her "normal"? She had been navigating for the last three years how a life tethered to The Agency blended with what took place inside the warm circle of light inside? Perhaps now she was going to have this new, real, complicated dimension to add to that balancing act. But she was ready to step into it, into the light of her love for Lee even if it led her into the darkness of concealment even more.
She had better think of some story to tell her mother right now - she could see that her mother had noticed the extra dishes in the sink. How was she going to explain that? And, really, that was the least of her worries. She was sure she was never going to sleep tonight! But, Oh! What a problem to have!