The next few days were… something.
At first, it was pretty much the same schedule, though (thankfully) without the 'therapy' part. Breakfast, morning group, free time (since he didn't have a psychiatrist or therapy meeting), art therapy, hanging out with Parker, Kevin and Will, and then of course, visiting hours. It was his… what, third day? Well, technically, second day, since he'd been admitted to the facility late. So he was still having some trouble adjusting to the schedule, and he didn't show it well, but he was relieved to have the nurses around to walk him through it too. Vexy had returned, and Steven felt a little bad for being happy about it; as much as he'd missed Peedee, it was still hard to talk to him, and be around him. Vexy was easier, because she was still kind of a stranger to him. As nice as she was and as much as she tried to get to know him, it wasn't nearly as nerve-wracking as being around Peedee had been. So the day went a little bit smoother.
Visiting hours startled him, though - he wasn't expecting Greg to walk in with Jasper, despite the conversation they'd had the day before. And he wasn't expecting Jasper to light up when she saw him. He was expecting the weird looks and quiet gasps from some of the other patients, and the way Parker mumbled "am I hallucinating again?" under his breath, and how Will had to pinch the poor boy just to snap him out of it (and immediately be reprimanded for it, since patients weren't allowed to touch each other at all). Kevin was actually kind of cool about it, only glancing up from his book, nodding, and looking back down again as Jasper approached.
"You're surrounded by humans," she growled when she reached him, and Steven flicked his gaze around, raising his eyebrows in a somewhat mocking expression as he turned back to her, feigning a look of surprise - and watching her narrow her eyes slightly in response.
"Gee, I had no idea."
"You must be Jasper," Vexy cut in, before Jasper had a proper chance to retort; the gem turned her head toward the nurse, eyes narrowing even further, and Steven tilted his head to the side to look at Greg as he reached them, looking a little flustered and somewhat frustrated - of course, it was a sentiment Steven could relate to, dealing with Jasper wasn't the easiest thing.
While Vexy and Jasper talked - well, Vexy talked, Jasper kind of just grunted - Greg hugged Steven again, and the hybrid accepted the embrace silently, holding on for a few moments longer than the last time before he finally released his father, who was smiling a little by the time he finally pulled away and took a seat beside him. "You look like you're doing a little better," the man admitted, and Steven cracked a grin despite himself, somewhat tiredly. "Are you?"
"I don't know," Steven admitted, offering a one-shouldered shrug. He wasn't as tired as he had been the day before, but his conversational abilities seemed to still be at somewhat of a low. Even so, he tried to push through it, shaking his head at his father and leaning back with a sigh. "I mean, I guess I feel a little better since I actually got some sleep last night. And I didn't have to deal with Ms. Roberts," he added with a grunt, looking up at the television for a moment.
"Who?" Jasper cut in, interrupting Vexy, who, thankfully, looked more amused than annoyed with the orange gem's lack of manners. At least she had been smart enough not to expect any.
"My therapist," he informed the gem, who narrowed her eyes faintly in response. Steven paused, debating on whether or not to clarify; of course, he could explain what a therapist was again, though he didn't think he needed to. Jasper seemed to understand for the most part, and Steven was well aware by how much she remembered when they spoke, and how smart she was, and how she was able to connect the dots herself more often than not. And there were certainly other things to talk and think about that didn't involve Maria, who Steven wanted to think about as much as he wanted to think about the gems at that moment. So, after a few seconds, he ended up changing the subject entirely, turning his attention back to Jasper. "How're you doing at Little Homeschool? Spoken to any other Quartzes?"
Jasper let out a grunt, but she responded anyway, much to Steven's surprise. "Yeah, I guess. Your little school is still stupid," she warned, and the hybrid rolled his eyes slightly, but didn't say anything, letting her continue with a huff. "But it's better than dealing with your gems' whining."
Out of the corner of his eye, Steven saw Greg wince, and he couldn't keep back a grimace on time, only offering a shrug toward Jasper in response. He already figured the gems were taking everything hard, but to be honest, he didn't really care. Let them worry for a change - Steven may still be learning that it wasn't his job to help other people, but he had already made up his mind about the gems. They were just fine without him; why wouldn't they be? He'd been the one who'd fixed them all up to begin with. So what if they were 'whining' about the situation now? They had their own lives. Steven was still trying to figure out how to want to live his again.
Jasper had good intentions, of course, and once she seemed to realize that Steven didn't really want to talk about the gems, she was quick to change the subject. It ran pretty smoothly after that; Steven listened as she grouched about Little Homeschool, but he couldn't keep his lips from tugging upwards at the corners when she finally admitted she was settling in 'okay' with the other Quartzes again, and was considering going to stay in the little dorms they had made for the gems who needed a place to stay in Little Homeworld, who weren't comfortable with living among humans. Whatever he thought about the gem city now, remembering exactly how much effort had been put into its creation made him smile a little bit to himself. Maybe it didn't fit in with Beach City anymore, and maybe it never had, but maybe it had been a good thing, anyway. Jasper seemed to be warming up to it, after all - and Steven knew how important that was.
All things considered, though, the visit went pretty smoothly. Steven introduced Jasper to Parker, Will and Kevin, but she - unsurprisingly - wasn't at all interested in them. But she seemed to have made a good impression anyway, somehow, because after she and Greg had left, Vexy informed him, grinning, that she liked her a lot, and even Parker had admitted, albeit somewhat begrudgingly, that she was cool. Of course, this was followed by a lot of questions about 'what the fuck was she', and Steven figured he couldn't avoid the explanation anymore.
The day after that, now, Steven was slowly getting into the routine. He took another shower, which he reluctantly allowed Vexy to assist him with since he still couldn't twist around to reach his back, ate breakfast with the guys, watched Balance, refused to paint during art therapy… well, the routine was stable, but starting to get a little boring, and it was only his third day. He found himself wondering when he'd finally be released, but even then, he wasn't as worried about it as he should have been. Jasper's visit had brought up some interesting thoughts, and he'd finally, albeit reluctantly, expressed his concerns to his brother about Connie. Even his pink twin's reassurance didn't make it any easier to face her, though - even when the chance presented itself for him to even pick up a phone to call her during calling hours, he couldn't do it. He wasn't ready to face her yet - so, despite his guilt, he pushed thoughts of her away and went on with the rest of his day. He hated himself for putting it off, but he just wasn't ready.
When visiting hours came again, he was expecting Greg and Jasper again - so he was surprised to see Bismuth enter with his father instead, and even more surprised by the sudden rush of excitement that engulfed him when he saw her. He'd never said it aloud and he probably never would, but the rainbow-haired gem was… well, she was his favorite. Despite everything that had happened between them in the past - which she had long made up for, mind you - he was always eager to see her, always happy to greet her with a hug and a smile. She was easy to talk to, and she didn't take 'I'm fine' for an answer, either; so, sure, his first reaction was to grin at the sight of her, but that quickly vanished when he remembered that she knew what he'd done and what he'd tried to do. Excitement was replaced with dread and shame immediately, and it didn't get much better when her eyes finally landed on him, filled with nothing but worry.
But even then, through the concern, when their gazes met - to his surprise, once again - she grinned, making her way over to him, stepping around the other patients carefully. Greg followed her, smiling rather brightly himself, and Steven breathed in slowly, bracing himself silently as Bismuth finally reached him - but just when he thought he might be about to receive a scolding, she leaned down to pull him into a hug. He winced at first, admittedly; mostly because her grip was tighter than he'd expected, and his back was still sore. But she seemed to know he was injured, because (thank god) she didn't try to pick him up like she usually would have.
He hugged her back, silent as ever, and blinked back the tears that rose up.
"Steven," the rainbow-haired gem finally spoke as she pulled away, and Steven took the chance to rub his eyes slightly, furiously wiping the tears away and looking up at her just as she pressed a finger against his chest. Not hard enough to hurt, but enough so he could feel the pressure behind it. He merely blinked, unafraid but guilty all the same, as she went on just as sternly, "don't you ever scare me like that again, or so help me, I'll kill you myself."
It wasn't funny, but Steven laughed anyway as he rubbed his eyes again, nodding. "Noted."
Bismuth got along with his friends much better than Jasper had; she greeted each of them happily, once she had assured herself with the fact that Steven was somewhat okay again, and Steven was a little more excited to introduce her - mostly because he knew she was capable of civility, while Jasper was most certainly not. Parker seemed absolutely awed by the rainbow-haired gem, and even Will had a few questions that Bismuth was happy to answer. Kevin was still silent, but he introduced himself to Bismuth regardless before he returned back to his book. Peedee, who had taken over for Vexy again before lunch, was pretty eager to introduce himself to her - but that was somewhat surprising for Steven, too, realizing for the first time that Peedee didn't know who Bismuth was. When had they stopped speaking? Steven was sure he had mentioned her, but… maybe he hadn't. Maybe he'd forgotten. Or maybe he'd just wanted to keep gem stuff out of his relationship with Peedee back then. He really didn't know.
Either way, besides that, his third day was actually pretty nice. Bismuth got along great with his friends, and Steven made a mental note to introduce her to Vexy when he got the chance to, because he already knew they'd get along famously. If Vexy liked Jasper, she'd love Bismuth.
"I think tomorrow is Lapis's turn," Bismuth told him as she hugged him again, and Steven pressed his face into her shoulder, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly in a soft sigh. "But I'll come visit again soon. Hey- how long are you supposed to be in here, anyway?" She asked, pulling back after a second and looking down at him curiously, and Steven shrugged.
"I thought I'd only be here for a few days, but I don't know. Thought I'd be out by now, but I guess they don't think I'm ready." He fell silent for a moment, staring down at his hands, then took another breath and looked up. "It was nice seeing you again. Bismuth…" He paused, swallowing, and shook his head a little at himself as he went on, "Bismuth, I'm really so-"
Bismuth interrupted him by pressing a finger against his mouth, and Steven fell silent, somewhat miserably at that. "Don't apologize, okay?" She told him firmly, pulling her hand back, and Steven only heaved another sigh, somewhat frustrated this time. Everyone was telling him not to apologize, but apologizing was one of the very few things he was actually good at. Apologizing and wallowing in his own guilt - which, as happy as he had been to see Bismuth, had only intensified tenfold when he remembered exactly how hard this was for them, too. "There's nothing to forgive. I'll see you soon." She ruffled his hair, and, though he groaned, Steven did end up leaning into the touch regardless. "Love you, kiddo."
Despite the guilt churning in his chest, Steven managed to crack a somewhat tired smile in response as she pulled her hand away, reaching up to fork his fingers through the messy curls and shaking his head slightly as he looked up at her again. "Love you too, Bismuth."
A 'few days' turned into a week, each day slower and slower, but each one was more interesting than the last. Steven wouldn't ever admit it, of course; he wouldn't ever admit how much he was starting to look forward to going to breakfast, and sitting with Kevin, Parker and Will and joking about how bad the food is and what horrible thing might be on the menu for lunch and dinner. He wouldn't admit how much he was starting to enjoy hanging out with them during free time, playing the 'Issues Game' with Parker and Will while Parker tried unsuccessfully to get Kevin to join in. He wouldn't admit that he was starting to see the appeal in art therapy. Or that he was really starting to like Balance. Or that he had to hide a grin when Parker called him 'Stevie'. Or that having Peedee around sometimes to fill in for Vexy stopped making him so anxious, and even left him somewhat excited on the days he knew his old friend was going to be with him.
He wouldn't admit that he was starting to like the mental hospital, but he didn't really need to say it out loud for everyone to know, did he? It wasn't at all how he thought it would be. It wasn't filled with 'crazy people' - Steven noticed, occasionally, yes, they acted crazy. Some people screamed for no reason, freaked out and punched walls and went into panic attacks and had to be sedated or taken to the 'padded room'. Parker explained to him that the room wasn't as bad as he initially thought it was; apparently, he'd been there on several occasions. It was just a white, padded room, made specifically so that the patients could go in there when they needed to calm down and breathe and get away from everyone else for a little while to clear their heads.
But nobody was really crazy in here. Everybody had their own story, some kind of mental illness that needed either treatment or simply attention. Steven found himself watching the other patients more often than not, learning about their conditions, and he couldn't believe he'd never known that they could be like this. He was startled to learn more about schizophrenia and hallucinations. He was surprised to learn his common sleeplessness had a name; insomnia. He learned about bipolar disorder, and dissociative personality disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder, and anxiety, and depression. He learned so much, but the things he learned about himself were even more startling than that. Once he was finally allowed around paper, he read up on these things. The past few days had been spent doing as much research as he could fit into his new schedule, learning how to cope with anxiety and PTSD, dealing with depression. There were a few articles about 'self-deprecation', but Steven chose to skip those.
"You know, Stevie, I skimmed every book in this place when I first got here," Parker had admitted one day, leaning over the side of the couch to peer at the book Steven was holding. He'd found an entire book, not just a few measly paragraphs, dedicated to PTSD, and was silently flicking his gaze through the list of symptoms. "But I don't think I was as interested in it."
Steven hadn't responded immediately; he'd flicked his gaze over the list, over and over again, feeling a little more shocked every time. "I thought all of this was normal," he'd finally mumbled. Parker had glanced at the book, just enough to skim the page Steven was focused on. And he hadn't said much of anything else on the subject, but he'd offered a tiny, understanding smile that Steven just barely caught before the boy straightened up again and walked away, getting the hint that the hybrid wanted to be left alone for a little while just to register what he'd found.
Aside from the books, there were other things that Steven found interesting about the mental hospital, but it took him a while to really grow comfortable with it enough to look for these things. Only halfway through the week, when Steven had been informed that he'd be staying longer than had originally been intended, did he finally find himself looking beyond the books and the few patients he had (begrudgingly) made friends with. He found himself venturing outside with some of the others during free time, not really to interact, but just to take a few good looks around. There was a fence around the little area they were allowed in, a few benches and stuff for the patients to sit on, a few bookshelves so they could read in the shade if they wanted. Steven found himself more interested in the little garden area they had, rolling himself down the path while Vexy followed not too far behind him, surprised by his curiosity but silent as ever.
He flicked his gaze over the flowers, a multitude of different colors. Red, orange, white, yellow, blue, pink. The pink ones caught his attention; his disdain for the color had drastically decreased, no longer really reminding him of his mother, but instead making him think back to his pink brother, still struggling with the final chain. He gazed at the pink flowers for a while, wishing he could lean down and pick one, while Vexy settled herself down in the grass and grinned up at him, meeting his intense gaze with that knowing expression she got so often. Despite himself, Steven managed to crack a faint smile back at her. He'd grown fond of her, too. "You like flowers?"
Steven nodded, running his thumbs over the wheels of his chair and studying the batch of pink flowers before him. There were different kinds, he noticed. Roses, which he skipped right over. Azaleas, he recognized instantly. Cosmos, of course, he'd had those in his garden, hadn't he? There was one particular batch he didn't recognize immediately, but he felt like he'd seen before. He stared for a while, but when he proved incapable of remembering the name, he turned to Vexy for assistance. "Asters," she had informed him, reaching out toward the cluster of flowers to run her fingers over the petals. "Pink ones. They symbolize sensitivity and love."
She plucked one of the flowers and handed it to him; he took it carefully, looking down at it as Vexy went on to explain some of the other ones. He ran his thumb over the petals, gently spinning the flower around in his hand for a long time before finally turning his attention back to the nurse. He'd seen this type of flower before… he'd had a batch of them in his own garden. They were beautiful, but, because they'd been pink, he hadn't had much interest in them then. Not enough to memorize the name, nor the meaning - but he found himself grinning then, as he thought it over. And he found himself grinning through the whole day, until bedtime had come.
"Aster." Steven had managed to conjure up the flower in his dream that night; it grew through the cracks in the tile beneath him, and he pulled it out and presented it to his brother.
The pink gem was absolutely fascinated, wide-eyed as he reached out to touch it with his free hand, and Steven offered it to him with a smile, letting his brother take the flower. He did so somewhat cautiously, holding it carefully without curling his fingers around it, simply letting it rest in his palm, and Steven leaned himself back with a sigh, propping himself up on his hands and stretching his legs out. "They represent sensitivity and love, according to Ms. Prime."
His brother didn't respond immediately. Steven watched him as he finally curled his fingers around the flower, just enough to turn it over in his hand, and he smiled a little more at the expression on the gem's face. His pink twin looked more like a child then than Steven had seen him since White Diamond's head; the grin that split across his face was wider than ever, and his pupils, which had shifted into the diamonds Steven had already grown so accustomed with, showed no sign of going away anytime soon. The hybrid thought maybe he'd finally caught his brother off guard with something; even now, he could feel the surprise and wonder radiating from him as if it were his own, and he welcomed it with open arms. It tickled him, and this, he would admit happily without a moment's hesitation. "I was thinking," he began after a moment. "You still need a name. As you may recall, I nicknamed a bunch of flowers after my friends…"
His pink twin looked up, and the grin seemed to widen, realizing what Steven was implying.
"I figured maybe I could name my brother after a flower," Steven finished, his smile a little more affectionate, a little more fond now. "I think 'Aster' would be pretty fitting anyway, don't you? My twin brother, 'Aster Universe'?" The expression on his brother's face made him grin.
"Aster Universe." The pink gem fell silent for a moment, looking down at the flower in his hand. Steven thought he saw tears pricking at the corners of his brother's eyes, but he couldn't tell. He was still smiling, even wider than ever now, and Steven felt warmer then than he had in awhile. He'd forgotten what it was like, being the reason for someone smiling so brightly like that - and coming from his brother, it meant even more to him. "I love it," his brother - Aster - finally replied, looking up. Steven met those diamond eyes with a smile, which was returned without hesitation.
"I think I love it, too."
Of course, adjusting wasn't always so easy, either. He was starting to like the place, whether he admitted it or not, but it had its downfalls sometimes. Sometimes he was homesick, and he didn't even know why. He spoke to Greg about the new house, listened to Jasper boast about how much heavy furniture she could carry, and he just… felt homesick. He wanted to see it for himself, to go live with his father again. And then he felt a little bad, knowing what he'd be leaving behind; Parker, and Kevin, and Will, and Peedee. Sure, he could call them at the mental facility - and this reminder always left a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, one he now connected to one simple word; Connie - but it wouldn't really be the same, then, would it?
"Well, I'm glad you're making friends, kiddo," Greg had told him one day, when he'd (reluctantly) expressed his concerns over the matter. Aster was trying to encourage him to start talking to other people more, reminding him that he needed to be honest - at least with their father - about how he felt so that he could help if his pink twin wasn't able to. Steven still found it hard, of course, this 'open honesty' thing. Not replying to 'are you okay' with 'I'm fine' and not forcing a smile whenever someone noticed him brooding. A week wasn't going to change that, and it wasn't getting any easier, but it wasn't going to if he didn't start talking more. So he'd talked; he'd talked about how, yeah, it kind of sucked to leave his new friends behind. Greg, to his credit, didn't remind him about what he'd said at the beginning, that he wasn't there to make friends. He'd only smiled, soft and understanding, and went on, "but I'd be happy to bring you to visit whenever you want until they're released, too." And that had made him feel a little better.
"Yeah, you're not getting rid of us that easily," Parker piped up, and Will snickered. Kevin was silent, but Steven caught his gaze; the man cracked a smile, which Steven managed to return. Another thing he hated to admit was how much he was starting to warm up to Kevin, and vice versa; he still hadn't found out as much as he wanted to, and he was still somewhat frustrated, but at that point, he was less intent on figuring out why Kevin had tried to take his own life. He knew he sure didn't like talking about it, and he didn't expect it from anyone else, either.
Of course, Steven realized at the end of the week, good things only lasted so long.
At first, it wasn't so bad; just another round of the Issues Game during free time before dinner, and Kevin, finally, ended up joining in. They were all startled; Parker and Will joked around a little, but he still caught the confused glances they both exchanged with him, and he offered a shrug when Kevin wasn't looking, himself. Alright, it was shocking, but it was a good thing, right? The guy was coming out of his shell, and god knows that was a hard thing to do. But they were all happy to make room for him - especially Parker, who, it seemed, had been waiting for this moment for a long time, because he looked positively thrilled once the shock wore off.
Parker went first; he studied the Jenga tower for a while, looking thoughtful. Either he was running out of things to say, or he simply had too much to choose from. After a few minutes, though, without speaking, he finally reached out to push a block free. It was only when he got it out that he spoke up, a little quieter than usual, but loud enough for them to hear. "I'm trans."
Steven blinked at him, and Parker fell silent as he settled the block on the top of the tower. Will was the first one to start clapping, and Steven and Kevin followed suit without hesitation. Nobody said anything - but nobody needed to. Parker grinned, crossing his arms over the table, and waved them all down before gesturing toward Will; the man dropped his arms and directed his gaze to the tower, while Steven let his eyes linger on Parker until he managed to catch the other boy's face, offering him a warm smile before he turned his attention to his other friend.
Will looked thoughtful, tapping his fingers against the table lightly for a few seconds, then let out a low hum and reached out to tap a block free. "So, I've got two kids," he began, and Steven arched an eyebrow at him as he stretched up a little in his chair, wincing slightly when the base of his spine ached in protest, but he only allowed himself to relax when he felt his back pop, heaving out a great, relieved sigh and sinking back down with a grunt while Will continued. "Twin toddlers-" Steven hummed a little at the mention of twins, and he noticed that Kevin's head turned slightly, abandoning his intent studying of the Jenga tower to look over at Will. "And… I haven't actually seen them in a while. My brother's watching them while I'm in here, because I don't really want them to see me like… well, like this." Will gestured to himself briefly before placing the block on top of the tower and leaning back in his chair again with a shrug.
"Hey, I say go for it," Parker told him, crossing his arms behind his head. Steven nodded in agreement, though his gaze was focused on Kevin now, furrowing his eyebrows. The man was silent, completely focused on Will, who only offered a low, non-committal hum in response. Parker rolled his eyes, as if they'd had this conversation before, and gestured toward Steven.
"Alright." Steven ran his tongue over his lips and pushed himself forward a little, leaning over to cross his arms over the table and looking the tower up and down. It was easier to sit up now, and he figured he had his new friends to thank for that, knowing that he wouldn't be bothering to move this much if it weren't for this stupid game. "On the topic of twins," he began, and Kevin's gaze twitched toward him almost at once; the hybrid kept his eyes glued to the tower, somewhat nervous and, admittedly, a little irritated, by how intently the man was staring him down now. "I've got one of my own, Aster. It's kind of really hard to explain, so I'm not gonna try-" He added. Parker shrugged, as if to say 'that's fair', and Steven heaved out a quiet sigh of relief. "But, yeah. Anyway." He rolled his shoulders back, reaching out to pull a block out.
Parker watched him as he put the block on the top of the tower, then nodded toward Kevin when Steven sat back again, lacing his fingers over the table. "Alright, Moreno. You can start small. Absolutely no pressure or judgement here." Will nodded in agreement, and Steven hummed.
Kevin fell silent for a while, reaching out. He seemed to already have his eye on a block, because he went for it without hesitation, toying with one at the bottom for a while - and Parker grimaced, but he didn't say anything - before finally, carefully, pulling the block out and narrowing his eyes. It took a good few minutes for him to speak, and nobody pushed him to do so, silent and patient as ever as they waited. Then, finally, Kevin heaved out a great sigh and put the block on the top of the tower, sinking back. "My parents weren't expecting twins," he mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. Steven furrowed his eyebrows, just listening, while Parker and Will exchanged a somewhat confused glance. "They didn't do a gender check or anything, so it was all secretive and stuff- they wanted to be surprised or whatever." Kevin paused, and his breathing seemed to hitch, but he went on, "then my brother and I were born."
Steven couldn't breathe.
"... planned on either naming the kid Kevin or Kylie…"
He couldn't think.
"... we were both boys, so my brother was Kyle…"
Everything was static. He caught bits and pieces, but every word was like a blow to the gut, knives in his throat, crushing his chest from the inside out. He was going to explode. Kevin was still talking, but every word he spoke steadily got quieter and quieter, until he couldn't hear much of anything anymore. And then, just as suddenly, he wasn't sitting at the table with his friends. He wasn't in the mental hospital. He was in the driver's seat of a car, but he wasn't him; well, a part of him was him, and that part of him was aching to his very core. Everything hurt. His chest, his head, his lungs, his stomach, his eyes. He felt like he was about to cry, but he couldn't fathom why. One second, he'd been fine, he thought. But suddenly he felt sad, and scared.
And he didn't understand why until Kevin's voice came back to him. A little younger, but it was still Kevin's voice; I just lash out because of my little brother. He's sick. Been sick all our lives.
Thankfully, his silence didn't raise too many alarms. Kevin was watching him when he finally managed to pull himself back into the present, but Steven couldn't bring himself to meet his gaze now. He could only stare at the table, struggling to keep his expression neutral, while Parker pulled a block out. They were all quiet now; Steven wasn't sure why they were, he hadn't heard the end of Kevin's turn, but he couldn't help but wonder if they were all feeling the horrible, twisting nausea curling in the pit of their stomachs, or if it was just him.
He understood. He wished he didn't.
By the time bedtime rolled around, he was more than happy to go to sleep, and yet once he finally changed into his pajamas and laid down in his bed, all he could do was stare at the ceiling. He still couldn't shake that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach - he hadn't even been able to eat dinner, and he'd been doing so well with that over the course of the week. But he just felt sick now, and he knew if he tried to eat anything, he'd only throw it back up immediately. The only thing he could think about was Kevin, and Stevonnie, and Connie, and the race. And Kevin's whole confession about his brother. And then the way he had laughed it off, with tears in his eyes. At the time, Steven - well, Stevonnie - had been too furious to… well, to care. Now he kicked himself, glaring up into the darkness and swallowing past the bile rising in his throat.
He'd only just realized he had a brother, and he couldn't imagine losing him. He couldn't imagine knowing Aster his entire life - really knowing him - and then just losing him. He wouldn't be able to deal with it. It would've driven him to… to this, wouldn't it? … wouldn't it?
For the first time, his heart ached for his roommate. A genuine, horrible ache that left him feeling empty inside. And that emptiness hurt - a little more than anything else had in a long time. And if he felt that way just from the thought of it, he couldn't imagine how much Kevin was hurting. Maybe a younger him would have wanted to try and fix it, but he didn't know if that was possible. He'd never lost someone that close to him, not like that. He'd never had to deal with that kind of pain, that loss. And the thought of losing anyone like that… it terrified him. It was the first time, since the incident with Jasper, that he had thought of death like that. Like something other than murder, something that wasn't his own fault. Even that thought was scary, now, without that familiar rush of anger there to make it seem like he didn't care.
Heart aching even more, he wondered how he would have felt if Jasper hadn't stopped him that day. If he had managed to take that extra step and done what, in the moment, he'd been ready to do. As angry as he was with the gems, the thought made him feel even sicker than before. Maybe he was mad at them, but when he wasn't completely blinded by fury, remembering the things he had done and said made him want to throw up, and he didn't completely know why.
As his eyes slid shut, heavy with exhaustion, he knew he'd have the whole night to figure it out. As much as he wanted to see Aster, he knew better than to think he'd be sleeping tonight.