"We already know what's in the third-floor corridor," Blaise says smoothly. "Winnie, Kevin, and Paul."

Ron and Draco look confused.

"The three heads of the Cerberus," Millicent explains. "They all have different personalities."

Ron shakes his head. "You don't have to meet several times a month to discuss that."

"Probably because we're also studying," Hermione stresses.

"Yo," Neville says, taking a seat at the table. "I looked over those blueprints of the school, and that trapdoor was not there last year. It's obviously new."

Draco's eyes widen. "Ha! I knew it!"

Neville glances over at them. "The fuck these bitches doing here?"

"Give it up, Neville," Draco says, grinning behind his sunglasses. "We know everything."

Neville blinks. "Including the part with your mother?"

Draco looks confused. "My mom?"

"Yeah," Neville says. "I fucked her."

Draco's mouth drops open.

"AND THEN I TOOK HER TO IHOP FOR BREAKFAST AFTERWARDS OHHHHHHH!"

The rest of the library joins in with a loud "OHHHHH" to acknowledge Neville's burn.

"You take that back, Neville Longbottom!" Draco yells with tears in his eyes. "You take that back! MY MOTHER WOULD NOT GO TO IHOP! EVER! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

This attracts the attention of Madam Pince.

"Bitch you wanna keep screaming?" she asks softly as she loads a shotgun. "Because I got something of my own that screams. And it'll make you scream. Scream loud. Scream sayonara." She cocks the shotgun. "Wanna get into a debate, bitch?"

It's at that point that Ron makes an executive decision to not piss off the shotgun-wielding librarian.

"We'll just be going now, then," he says in a normal tone of voice that totally gives away how scared he is. "Right, uh, Draco, let's go, bye!"

And with that, he grabs Draco's hand and drags him out of the library.

"You just do that, boy," Madam Pince's voice floats after them. "I'll be right here. All night. Just cleaning. This. Gun."

"Well that was a bust," Ron complains as he paces around their dorm room. "We didn't get them to tell us anything!"

"Yeah!" Draco agrees. "They weren't even intimidated by my awesome shades!"

"How are we gonna find out what they're up to now?" Ron asks. "We've gotta get that information!"

"Why?" Theo asks.

Draco and Ron stare at him.

"Have you been here this whole time?" Ron finally asks.

"Yes," Theo says.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Draco asks.

"Because you're not including me in whatever dumb shit you're trying to do."

"...do you...want to be included?" Ron asks, visibly uncomfortable.

"Hell no," Theo says. "I just want you to leave so I can finish my homework in peace."

Draco and Ron look at each other and move to leave. Before they can, Draco stops at the door.

"Wait a minute," he says. "Neville's working with them, right?"

"Yeah?" Ron asks, pausing with him.

"So Neville would know what's going on there, right?" Draco guesses.

Ron shrugs. "I suppose. Why?"

"And who does Neville spend all his time hanging out with?"

Slowly, Ron and Draco turn back to Theo. They grin.

Theo doesn't even look up from his homework. "Nope. I don't know what's going on."

"Or do you?" Draco asks.

"I don't."

"Or do you?"

"No."

"Yes?"

"No."

"But maybe you do?"

"No."

"How can you not?" Ron interrupts. "You hang out with Neville like, all the time!"

"That's because you two are joined at the hip, which means the only other two people in Gryffindor that anybody cares about have to hang out together."

Percy takes a few deep breaths, staring at the sheaf of papers on his desk. It's just his final paper for the art class. After that he just has to paint something good enough for the teacher. But for now, this paper is all but done. He just has to read it over one last time. Just in case.

He steadies himself and reaches for the stack. As he picks up the first page and starts to read, a water balloon flies through the air and explodes onto his desk, ruining the papers he has on there.

"FRED! GEORGE!" Percy screams pusily. "YOU WRECKED MY PAPER!"

Fred and George hi-five. "PRANKED!"

"NOT PRANKED!" Percy yells pusily. "NOW I'LL HAVE TO GO INTO TOWN, TO THE LIBRARY, AND PRINT IT ALL OVER AGAIN! THAT'LL TAKE ME AT LEAST TWO HOURS! AND THEN I'LL HAVE TO READ THIS, AGAIN, AND EDIT IT, AGAIN, AND PRINT IT, AGAIN, AND MAYBE I WAS GOING TO DO MOST OF THAT ANYWAY BUT YOU'VE STILL COST ME TWO HOURS! YOU JERKS!"

Fred and George just hi-five each other again and run out of their older brother's dorm room.

"Well he's obviously told you what's going on!" Ron blusters.

"Nope," Theo says flatly.

"Well why not?" Draco asks.

"Because I ain't no snitch," Neville says from behind them.

Ron and Draco whirl around.

"Snitches be bitches," Neville continues. "And you twos is bitches, so you bitches probably be snitches. Stop snitching, snitch bitches."

"...what?" Ron and Draco say dumbly.

"Ain't no snitching in this bitch," Neville says. "Because snitch bitches get stitches."

"What," they say again.

"Y'all's better back off," Neville continues. "Because me and the boys gots business to take care of."

"...Hermione and Millicent are girls," Ron points out.

"Well ain't y'all some raggedy-ass terf motherfuckers," Neville says.

"Raggedy-ass terf motherfuckers?" Ron and Draco ask each other, completely confused.

"I tell you, I'm sick of looking at your bitch asses," Neville says. "Neville out!"

And with that, Neville leaves the Gryffindor dorms. Ron and Draco look at each other, confused, before turning back to Theo.

"Raggedy-ass terf motherfuckers?" they ask.

Theo doesn't stop reading his textbook. "I find it's better not to think about it."