Day 173

I was staring at Maggie, not sure if I understood her correctly. We were just talking about Christmas gifts and Glenn's birthday that are just a few days before. The idea was to have a dinner for him, but only two of them. Something romantic, or as romantic as it can be with a house full of people. She even had a gift for him already, something she got just moments ago from clothes boutique.

Since early this morning, we were in the mall, clearing the shops that were still locked, killing the remaining walkers. And now, with the entrances locked, we were roaming freely, getting what we needed and wanted. First, we cleared the food stores, all two of them, restoring our supplies.

But now, somehow, I found myself in the same store Daryl was trapped yesterday, fucking jewelry shop.

"I just want to be ready," The woman added, making me slowly nod my head.

"No, I think I get it. I just don't understand why I'm here." I told her, looking around.

"Well, you're my friend," She stated, crossing her arms, smirking at me. "And you also know how to open those without breaking the glass." She pointed at displays with rings and earrings. Two of them were already smashed, maybe walkers, or some previous people who got here, before everyone turned.

"Aha. So you need me, only for this?" I took out my burglar set, waving it at her face.

"Please, I also want you to help me pick."

I sighed heavily and got to work, slowly breaking in into the glass displays, giving access to all jewelry. When Maggie started going through them, I looked around at shiny objects. Something on the rack next to the door caught my attention. There were dozens of keyrings, with various shapes and colors. But the one that I was staring at was silver, I think, no gems on it, beautiful angel wings, spread in full. I took it off and hid it in my pocket, I guess my gift searching was over.

"Eli, come on." Maggie beamed me over, I strolled towards her, she had few velvet trays out, searching for one that she liked.

"Alrighty, what we're looking for. What kind of metal you want?" I asked her, looking at different rings.

"I dunno."

"That's not very helpful."

The brown-haired woman snorted at that, but she knew I was right.

"Look, Mags. It doesn't matter how it'd look like. It's the thought and gesture that counts."

"I know, I just never imagined myself doing that, you know?"

"I get it." I looked down and touched a few bands, one of them catching my eye. I brought it up, I never was big for shinny stuff, impractical in my line of work. But it was pretty, I guess. It was simple, flat, and quite wide. Chrome surface in the middle and smooth on the edges, the tag told me it was made of white gold.

"No, I don't like that one," Maggie commented, making me flinch a little. I almost forgot that she was here. I hummed in reply; she was already leaning over another tray, so she didn't notice me stashing the band into the pocket.

It took her another twenty minutes to pick up, a gold round ring with a small stone in the middle, almost flattened into the metal.

Day 184

I was so fucking bored. In the past months, we always had something to do. At the quarry, we were patrolling and hunting, washing clothes. At the farm, first was the search for Sophia, later taking care of the farm, fortifying it. And then the herd came, destroying it all. Now we sat on the mattresses, in cold basements, eating dinner, with nothing to do.

We collected some thick branches for the past few days, sharpened them, and put them around the house, like pikes, so walkers wouldn't march straight through the fence. We had lots of food, and not many places left to scavenge. Walkers were scarce, moving at half of their average speed, some buried under the snow, so it was less dangerous.

We barricaded the back doors and covered the windows with newspapers, planks, and binbags. The only entry point now was the front door, and we always had someone standing watch, mainly during the night.

But I was still bored, I missed hunting with Daryl, trekking through the forest's floor, listening for birds, signs of life. I already read like twenty books, and wasn't sure what to start on next. The others, especially Lori and Carol, enjoyed this quiet time, without running and planning if we have enough food for tomorrow. And I get it, of course. But I was never a person who could sit; still, my life used to be fast-paced, and now, I just didn't know what to do with myself.

Of course, we were still planning. We could stay here, but we did have an emergency meet up point, just outside the town, in case something happens. Rick had planned were to go if we'd have to abandon this house, and where to go scavenge once winter is over.

People around me were already going to sleep; only other members still awake were Rick and Daryl, talking something over in hushed voices. T-Dog was on the watch, for the next three hours. I curled myself tighter in a blanket, trying to control shivering. It was warmer down here than upstairs but still not enough. Our duvets were distributed between Lori, Carl, Beth, and Hershel. Others had multiple blankets, but I gave my spare one to Carol, a few days ago when I noticed that she's shaking during the night.

I closed my eyes, trying to think of something else, hoping that sleep will take over me soon.

"Ya gonna wake up everyone with yur shakin'," Daryl's whisper next to my ear, made me squeal a little. Damn, this man is moving like a panther, one day he will give me a heart attack. I felt the weight of something on top of me, and I opened my eyes. In dim candlelight, I saw that it's orange.

"I don't need your ugly poncho," I told him, looking over my shoulder, trying to shrug it off. He was half-laying, half-sitting next to my mattress, he was dressed warmly, but he didn't have any covers.

"Just shut up, 'nd go to sleep."

"You going to be cold, Daryl."

"Nah, I'm fine."

I sighed heavily and lifted up the covers, looking at him intently. He furrowed his brows like he didn't understand what I mean.

"Just fucking come here, Dixon." He moved slowly, carefully laying next to me on the mattress, making sure that he doesn't touch me. My back was turned to him, but even with space between us, I felt warmer. I sighed again, this time with content, closing my eyes.

Day 189

I woke up on this particular morning to a pleasant surprise. Though, I doubt it will stay like that for a long time. Since that night, nearly a week ago, Daryl was sleeping next to me, he never touched me, we just shared a blanket, to keep warm. Usually, he'd woke up before anyone else and escaped, so no one would see us together, but with how the group was looking at us, especially me, I suspected that they knew. Noisey buggers.

But this morning was different, oh yes. There was a warm hand, sneaked under my shirt, touching the sensitive skin on my stomach. My back was flushed against Daryl's chest, his face was buried in my hair, breath caressing my neck.

Oh, boy. I couldn't move; I mean, I didn't want to. I was warm and felt safe. I am an independent person, was since I reached adulthood, not ever, a man made me feel like that by merely holding me. I knew that this ruff, scruffy mountain redneck made me feel like nothing wrong could happen to me.

But, if he wakes up now, and realizes that I am not asleep, we would take a huge step back. He would shut down, ashamed to be found in that position. I get it, I know why, he doesn't know how to deal with such closeness.

Daryl stopped snoring, and I shut my eyes, making sure to try to breathe evenly, not moving an inch of my body. He made some noise, something between a growl and moan. His hand under my shirt moved gently, fingers gently rubbing my scars. It took everything to not flinch, that gesture almost made me cry, it wasn't sexual, just genuine care. He knew what they were, how I got them, what I've been through.

I started to feel something else, pressing to my thigh, making me take a sharp breath, breaking the peace and image of me being asleep. Daryl froze all his movements, I could feel that he was lost, not knowing what I'd do, and what he should do. I swallowed hard and covered his hand with mine.

"It's OK," I whispered. "It's morning, your body's natural reaction. And that." I squeezed his hand gently through the fabric of the shirt. "It's calming."

"Ya were crying, in yur sleep." He moved, so he wasn't touching my back anymore, but he kept his hand on my stomach.

I sneaked my hand in, to hold his properly, and slowly turned around to face him. He had hair in his eyes, face flushed, and he was avoiding my eyes.

"Hey," I spoke softly and smiled at him when he finally met my eyes. He was chewing on his bottom lip, and I could feel him overthink things. "We are friends, I don't mind hugging. I know that you aren't a fan. But we don't do anything bad or wrong."

He looked so unsure of himself, like a small child, not aware of how to act in certain situations. I let his hands go, just in case he feels the need to run or put more distance between us. I propped my head on my arm, and my smile grew wider.

"Do you want to sleep more?" I asked him, knowing that he had a middle shift, that one was always a bitch.

"Nah."

"OK, what's on today's agenda then?"

"Dunno."

Alrighty, changing the subject didn't relax him, but he was still here, so I'll take it as a small victory.

"You want to go for a run? There are still places we didn't check," I told him, I felt like we both could do with getting away from the house, he was just like me, didn't like to stay in one place.

"Sure." He grunted, bitting on his thumb, watching my every movement.

"Great, I'll get changed, can you make me a coffee?" Oh, another perk of the generator, we could heat up water now, so I could have my usual dose of caffeine. I stood up silently, going through my bag and grabbing clothes for today, making my way to the bathroom.

When I walked upstairs, careful to not wake up others, fully clothed I could smell breakfast and coffee in the air. Rick greeted me by his post next to the window; he was on watch now. Daryl sat by the counter, and Carol was working on some oatmeal, from what she did, I could tell she was awake for a while. Thinking about it, I haven't seen her in the basement, which would mean, she definitely saw the hunter and me. I glanced at the man, he was eating his food, a mug with warm liquid in front of him, head down.

The gray-haired woman turned around and sent me a huge smile, confirming my suspicions. I took a seat next to Daryl, and he pushed the mug to me.

"Thanks."

"Sleep well?" Carol asked innocently.

"Yes, very, thank you. How about you?" I took a sip, my eyes not leaving hers.

"Oh, you know. It could be cozier." I heard Daryl choke on his oatmeal, and I patted his back.

"Ignore her. She's messing with us." I told him, making him grunt.

"Alright, alright, I'll stop. You two are lucky it was me. Imagine if Maggie or Glenn would wake up first."

"I'm gonna have a smoke," Daryl said in a low voice, swinging on his stool and leaving the room. Seconds later, we could hear front door closing, indicating that the hunter indeed left the house.

"You shouldn't give him shit," I scowled Carol, looking at her from my coffee mug. She shrugged and passed me a bowl of food.

When I was finished, I moved to where Rick was sitting next to the door.

"Hello, Officer."

"You in a good mood this morning." He looked me over.

"Well, I had coffee, woke up rested, and tomorrow's Christmas, so, yeah."

"I heard that you going on a run with Daryl."

"If it's alright with you, Rick."

"Yeah, just tell me where you going and take walkie-talkie with you."

It was getting dark when we were coming back. Our pick-up full of stuff for baby, we scored a gold mine in one of the houses, baby clothes, some formula, pacifiers.

"Lori will be happy," I spoke, breaking the silence. I cracked the window open a little, and took two cigarettes out, sparking them and handing one to Daryl.

"Hmm." That was the only answer from the hunter, when he took the stick from me, inhaling deeply.

"I'd ask if you're excited for tomorrow, but I know the answer," I told him, smirking in his direction, Dixon glared at me for a second before looking back at the road.

"I'll live."

"I know. Look, just try to enjoy it. We don't know how much longer we all have."

"I don't plan on dying, princess."

"Of course not, Big Boy. Just try not to be too grumpy, please. You know it means a lot to the group."

"Fine, whatever."

I looked out the window, enjoying my cigarette, watching the trees, while we were driving. We were happy and safe, for now. Tomorrow we'll have a lovely evening, something bright, something to remember. That was life now, just living in the present because we never know when our last day would be.

We could've been taken down by walkers, surprised by other people. You never know in this world anymore. But here, in the car with Daryl, I couldn't feel more alive.

I noticed that we got to the house, and I was about to jump out to open the gate when Dixon's hand landed on my shoulder.

"El." His voice was husky, and when I glanced at him, he had a weird look on his face.

"What's wrong? Everything looks fine."

"Nah, all good. I just, um." He shifted in his seat. He seemed to be uncomfortable, and that made me nervous. Did I do something stupid today that I was not aware of?

"Is it about this morning? Because I told you-"

"Stop." He rose his hand, closing his eyes for a moment before taking a big breath. Daryl reached into his pocket, and seconds later, something was dangling from his fingers, just in front of my eyes.

It was, well, beautiful. Silver chain, locket from this same metal, oval with small diamonds all the way on the edges. In the middle, there was an engraved eternity sign.

I looked Daryl in the eyes, I could see how unsure of himself he was, at that moment, his face was like an open book. His eyes were scanning my face, bottom lip between his teeth, worry clear as day.

I smiled widely, slowly reaching out for it, clearing my throat.

"Is that for me?" I asked him lowly, taking it, running my fingers over the gems, and the sign.

"Open it." His voice was husky, more than usual, telling me just how nervous he was. Confused, I pried the locket open, revealing something folded inside it. I took it, my hands shaking slightly. A soft sob escaped my lips, and my eyes immediately filled with tears when I recognized that it was a print off from one of my sonograms. The one I had shortly before she died.

I looked at him, not knowing what to say or do.

"That way, ya can carry her with ya," He said.

I gently folded the picture and put it back inside the locket. I handed it back to Daryl, something like pain crossing his face. I shifted in my spot, turning my back to him, and gathered my hair.

"Put it on, please," I told him softly, and after a moment, I could feel his hands reaching around me, cold metal touching the space between my breast. His fingers run over the nape of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. My heart was speeding now like crazy, not just because he was right behind me, but also because he was so thoughtful. Daryl put his hands on my shoulders when he was done, but they dropped when I turned back to face him.

"What's it about?" I asked him in croaked voice, wiping the tears that fell down my cheeks.

"Um, happy birthday." Breath hitched in my throat, and I launched at him, wrapping my arms around his neck, squeezing the shit out of him.

"You remembered."

"Yeah."

"And you got me a gift."

"Yeah."

"Is that's why you were stuck in the mall?"

"Um, yeah."

I leaned back a little, looking into his eyes, wetting my lips. "It's beautiful, thank you, Daryl." I put my hand on his cheek, making his eyes go wide. He stayed frozen in the spot when I kissed his other cheek, loving the feeling of his scruff under my lips. The hunter swallowed harshly and clear his throat, pulling away.

"Good, now move yur ass and open the gate, woman," He told me when I sat back. The hunter looked like a tomato, even his ears in a deep shade of red. I laughed at his remark, and got out of the car, jogging to the gate and quickly unlocking it.

Day 190

I reached into my backpack, pulling out a small wrapped present, right before I walked upstairs. Opening the secret door, I walked into the living room, where several members of the group already sat on the couches.

"Merry Christmas!" Carl yelled, jumping in his spot next to his mother. Lori, according to our estimations, was nearly five months pregnant, and it started showing. Her breasts were swollen, and there was a small bump, pressing onto her shirt. Looking at her hurt a little, a reminder of what I lost. But it wasn't her or the baby's fault, so I tried to keep my emotions in check.

"Merry Christmas to you," I answered, smiling widely. We were still missing Glenn, Maggie, T-Dog, and Beth, so I decided to make myself some coffee.

"Here you go." Carol pressed warm mug into my hands as soon as I stepped in the kitchen, making me raise eyebrows at her.

"Morning, what's that for?"

"'Cause you're a bitch without it." She chuckled under her breath, and I pressed a hand to my chest.

"Words hurt, Carol." I looked around, noticing Hershel next to the door, shotgun in his hand. "Morning, where are Rick and Daryl?"

"They checking fence." The older man replied, smiling gently in my direction. "They don't want any surprises today."

"I bet it was mainly because Dixon wanted to avoid Christmas wishes," I smirked at a grey-haired woman, stepping next to her.

"Probably," She snorted and started to mix something in a big saucepan. I leaned forward, trying to see what it was, but she swatted me away.

"Pff just wanted to help."

"Elena, I wouldn't want your help with cooking, even if our life depended on it."

"You could teach me."

"I tried, remember?" She and Lori gave me a basic lesson, back at the library, which turned into a disaster. I scrunched my face at that memory.

"Oh, I do. That's why I want you to slowly step away and leave cooking to me." I scoffed, grabbing my mug, and moving back to the living room.

"Are you excited, kiddo?" I asked Carl, plunging myself onto the other sofa and spreading my legs. Lori was reading some adventure book, and the boy had some comic books on his lap.

"Sure, I am. I just wish that everyone was here already, so we could open presents."

"You know, we always opened presents on Christmas Eve," I told him, and he shifted in his spot, even the woman next to him put away the book, listening.

"Why? That's weird."

I laughed at Carl's comment and continued. "Well, my mother was Polish, and in there they celebrate Christmas a day earlier. We usually listened to carols through the day, made the last-minute preparations." I said, looking away, remembering when I was his age, how impatient I was for gifts and dinner. "And we didn't open presents until after dinner. We always waited for the first star to appear in the sky, then we would eat. Twelve different dishes, no meat. Only after that, I was allowed to see the presents."

"So, what were you doing on Christmas Day?" Lori asked softly. I noticed that Carol sat down on one of the chairs while I was telling the story.

"See, that was mainly for my mum. So she could still relate to her roots. But then I still had my grandparents, on dad's side, and his sister. We would all go visit them, and it was like celebrating twice." I finished with a smile.

"Was it always like that?" Carol asked me from her spot.

"No, that was mainly when I was a kid. Then, I was in college, my parents moved away, life happened, you know."

"Merry Christmas!" I looked over to the bookshelves, the rest of the group, just came in, finally waking up.

"Finally," Carl exclaimed.

"Go, eat something, and we can start." Carol really was like a hen mother to us. I think she needed a purpose, something besides surviving, and she was good at taking care of others.

After eating, we all sat down in the living room. A small pile of weirdly wrapped gifts was stacked up on the coffee table. Rick and Daryl came back, not long ago, stating that everything looked good, they didn't see any walkers nearby.

Carl stood in the middle of the room, excited, rocking slightly on his heels. His sheriff's hat sat proudly on his head, the kid didn't go anywhere without it. I sat squished between T-Dog and Carol, the other sofa occupied by Lori and Hershel. The rest took remaining chairs.

We appointed young Grimes as our Santa, making him in charge of distributing gifts. After all, it was his idea.

"Let's start!" He said and reached for the first package. The boy squinted his eyes, trying to read the name. "For you, Glenn."

The Asian man took the soft gift and ripped the paper; seconds later, he had a new baseball hat on his head, grinning at his girlfriend. "Thanks, whoever it's from."

"Shh, that's the best part. That we don't know." I told him, watching Carl giving present to Carol, who got a knife. I was training with her, and she was more confident in killing walkers. It was time she got a proper weapon. The blade wasn't too big, and the handle had finger holes, so she wouldn't lose a grip. Nice choice.

Hershel received a beautiful watch, with fresh batteries. We couldn't be sure if it showed the correct time, considering that recently we relayed on the sun only, but it was still a nice gesture.

"Elena, that's for you." Carl handed me a package, I could tell it was a box, and when I shook it gently, something rattled inside. Shrugging, I quickly got rid of the wrapping and lifted the top of the old shoebox. Shrieking, I promptly closed it.

"What the actual fuck!" Next to me, T was nearly dying from laughter, and I turned to him. "Is it you?"

"Well, you said you've missed it."

"What's in there?" Carl asked, his face full of confusion. I shook my head and couldn't find the right words to tell him a lie. Carol reached out and peeked at what was inside.

"Ah, yeah. You don't wanna know, Carl."

"I do." Maggie came closer, and the rest of the people looked at our sofa with interest.

"Some time ago, Elena mentioned-" T-dog started, but I interrupted him.

"Don't you dare!"

"-That she misses her vibrator."

"T!" I hid my blushing face in my hands, trying to block the laughs that erupted in the rooms.

"So I got her a new one. Got batteries and all."

"Ain't funny when yur embarrassed, one, huh?" I heard Daryl's low voice, and I just grunted in reply.

"What's a vibrator?" Carl asked suddenly, stopping the giggles. I lifted my head, watching how no one could find words.

"You'll know when you're older. Keep going, Carl," Rick told him finally, gesturing for the remaining pile of gifts.

The boy scrunched his face, not entirely happy with that, but nonetheless, he grabbed another present and passed it to Beth. It was a notebook, a diary if you wish. Lori got a pair of cute, simple earrings, which she quickly put on.

The next package was bigger than the others, and Carl was proudly carrying it to the sheriff, breaking the rule.

"It's from me, dad." Rick looked down at his son and slowly opened it, reviling two sets of walkie-talkies. Wow, the kid had a vision. It was an excellent gift for a group leader, something useful, even I felt proud of him. Rick pulled him for a hug, and they stayed like that for a moment. I noticed a shadow on Lori's face. It was no secret that she didn't really speak to her husband, and I think she missed him.

"Thank you, Carl. It's great, it will help us a lot." The boy was beaming and jumped into the next gifts.

"That's for T-Dog." It was a silver cross, the Black man caressed it for a moment before clasping it on, around his neck. I knew it reminded him of days before the apocalypse and perhaps of a man he was before.

Carl checked the last three presents, giving a small squared package to Maggie. She looked at it, turning it in her hand a few times, and before opening it. It was pretty heart necklace, she cried out happily, covering her mouth with a hand, and looked over at Glenn. The man sat down, watching his girlfriend's reaction. She threw herself at him, hugging him tightly, and insisting on him putting it on.

I caught Daryl's eyes, smiling a little bit, and touching spot under my shirt, where my own locket was hidden. I saw the corner of his mouth lift slightly, before Carl stood in front of him, handing him the gift. That broke the spell, and the hunter reached for it, thanking the boy.

I sat down straight, knowing it's from me, I was watching Daryl's face when he opened it and brought it up, to look at it better.

"That's cool!" Carl stated, still next to Dixon. "You can put it on your bike keys."

"Um, thanks," Daryl mumbled, putting it away into his pocket.

"Time for yours, kiddo," I said, and the boy reached out for his gift. It was rectangular, wrapped messily in a newspaper. Carl ripped it open, revealing a big stack of comics.

"Oh, wow! That's awesome." The boy flipped through the titles quickly. "They all Spiderman! It's my favorite!" He immediately sat down on the carpet and started organizing them by issue.

It was a good day; we chatted for a while after the gifts, people trying to figure out who was their Secret Santa. We had a lovely dinner with the rest of the wine, and Daryl even shared his whiskey with T-Dog and me.

At some point, we went outside and tried to be quiet, building some snowmen, and enjoying ourselves.

I was lying down on the mattress, Rick taking the first night shift, Dixon was already next to me. This time I was facing him, leaving some space between us. I accepted the fact that he was comfortable with holding me only when he was fast asleep. It was better than nothing, I guess.

But if I'd know back then, that it was the last peaceful night in a long, long time, I would snuggle the hell out of him.