Hello everybody! Long time no see. It has been a very, very long time since I posted anything on this site. I really hope in this difficult times that everyone is safe and happy!
Myself currently? I finally got my hands on Midnight Sun! Gotta say, love the changes SM made in some chapters...all I could say is awww, poor eddie. I felt so much sadness and happiness for him while reading. So while reading, I'm also having a twilight marathon...god I miss those early twilight frenzy days...sorry...I'm beginning to sound like an old granny. Lol.
Anyway, half through out the book and movies, my own mr darkward started to speak to me loudly, not letting me sleep. So I decided to write out his own musings in this little outtake. I've written this in like 5 minutes yesterday, so don't expect any angst (okay, a little bit) or some amazing musings of my brain. lol. Just getting it out there.
Still... hope you'll like it. Enjoy. More to come...probably...:D
Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.
All mistakes are mine.
I bolt from the bed with a scream.
Needing a few moments to focus on my environment, all I see is dark. Penetrating nothingness. The fear begins to overwhelm my body. But I'm not alone. Strong, but soft, sensitive hands are soothing me,rubbing my shoulders.
A compassionate,soothing voice makes me turn.
"Hey. It's okay. You're okay. You're fine baby. Take a deep breath. That's it. Very good."
It's Bella. My wife. The instant I see her, even in dark, those beautiful doe eyes relaxes and soothes my body. Soul. My monster quiets down. For now.
The hole inside my heart is whole. Full. I try to close my eyes, listening to her voice, but the faces from the dream keep emerging back. Angry. Murderous. Revengeful.
My eyes keep looking for hers, focusing, not looking away from her, knowing they are the only one who keep me sane, keeping me from going back to the dream, to the past. To the immense pain I endured and still do, years later. It lessened with years, but unfortunately, never goes away.
"You're all wet from the perspiration. Let me get you at least..."
"No!" I shouted instantly, not letting go of her wrist, holding on so tight she winces.
Instantly, I let go. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause you pain."
"It's fine." She lies, but pulls just a little bit.
"You don't have to leave," I add, wanting to sound nonchalant, but knowing me for a long time now, my wife--god, sometimes I still can't believe I have the privilege to call her that-sees right through my bullshit.
"I'm not. Breathe Edward. Focus. I'm right here."
I took a few deep breaths, focusing on every one of them leaving my body.
I can feel more than see her smile. "Good. Excellent." Her nails are lightly scratching my scalp, and I quietly purr in satisfaction.
"Do you want to talk?" she asks encouragingly, yet trying not to pry.
"No." My answer is quiet, but once again, looking into my eyes, I'm sure she sees the fear and reluctance, yet, finds the courage to push on.
"Nightmare?"
I nod. That's all she needs. A silent, reluctant nod.
Then her hands are around me, enveloping my body in her arms. I loved those brief moments. Something I never had as a child, therefore, sometimes still felt as a helpless little kid in her embrace. Like a mother coddling her own child. I know, I know sounds weird. Well...welcome to my world folks.
I'd like to think over the years we've been together we've both grown as an adults. Bella is getting more and more beautiful every single day. She is everything I'm not and more. Free spirited, generous, kind, and somehow, after all those years the universe saw my shitty life and decided to award me with her love. How could I not be grateful?
She would say I don't see myself clearly. That I have changed, matured and all those stupid long words that my therapist uses as well every single week. I don't see it, but I'm glad she does. She sees something in me that no one does, and for that, I'm thankful.
For her happiness I would give up the world, my life and all my riches just to protect her, save her from the pain and misery. All for her, just to see her smile, the way she is smiling right now. With compassion, and most importantly, love.
Of course, if she heard my thoughts now, she would say..."you already have, and you do, every single day, and I love you for it."
Yes, both of us gave up a lot when we went under the protection program. All of my possession went under investigation and under the possession of the state, and my name? No longer mine. No. I was no longer Edward Masen or Edward Cullen. And I was fine with that. What was a bit more difficult to get accustomed to was being broke. Well, not entirely, but all the savings and inheritance that was Alec's and mine was blood shed. Illegal.
You can make your own conclusions about that.
We both got employed by the state...Which is my daily job? An accountant.
Shitty? Yes, it was dull, but served the point. To be invisible. And so I was. To everybody except the one I mattered the most.
Bella? She adored her job. A middle school English teacher. I could see the light in her eyes every time she was near her classroom. Talking with her peers. Smiling. Laughing, trying to teach her classroom...whatever they teach children in school.
What broke my heart was unable to give her the opportunity to have one of her own.
Just one more thing Carlisle took from me.
Anyway, back to the dream.
"What was it about? Is it the same one from the other day?"
"I...I don't know. Don't remember. It was all so fast paced and blurry. But the same feeling...the excruciating pain was there. I couldn't shake it or wake up."
"Carlisle?"
I said nothing, yet she knew the answer.
"I'm sorry," she said sadly.
"No, I am," I added. "Sorry I'm not able to give you what you most desire in this world."
"Hey, everything I want is right here in my hands."
"That's bullshit and you know it. I see how much you long for a child of your own." Before I knew I was out of bed, turning away from her not to see my tears.
She followed me quickly with stubbornness and fierceness.
"I don't care about that Edward. We can always adopt. Plenty of kids never knew their mother or father. I thought you of all people would understand. DNA doesn't mean everything Edward. Don't you agree?"
She had me there.
I stop my way to the bathroom, and lean against the sink, head hanging in shame.
I sigh. She knows my answer already, so why say it? She reads me like a book. Always had.
She lifts my chin with her hands and wipes away my tears. Gently, with moisture in her own eyes.
"Can I be sappy for a moment?"
"Aren't you always?" I tease with a small smile, trying to lift the mood.
She smiles back. "Funny. Now I forgot what I wanted to say."
"How about: No woman, no cry...Everything's gonna be alright? Or... don't worry about a thing...every little thing's gonna be alright?"
"Marley? Really?"
Her small chuckle echoes mine instantly. "What can I say...he's my life inspiration."
She pushes me playfully. "You're an idiot."
Translation? I love you.
I pull her body, wrapping my hands around her lower back. "I love you too."
I kiss her slowly, sensually and the rest is continued in the bedroom.
We take it slow, exploring our bodies like it's the first time. Last time. Like we have forever.
I do have one advice for you guys. Never underestimate the power of the universe. Because three years later, as you now know, we have adopted our beautiful son. And I couldn't have asked for a better present from them.
That's all folks...for now! Thanks for reading!