chapter 25: the help we search for
Taki 17 July
I stand next beside her, outside the wooden door. Anxiety builds within me, even though I'm not the one undergoing therapy.
But what's more surprising is that she doesn't seem nervous at all. She's not quivering, she isn't sweating. If she's happy, she shows no signs of it.
She seems almost… lifeless.
I shrug it off. She probably knows the therapist well enough.
She steps forward and hesitates for a fraction of a second, barely noticeably, before giving the door a few knocks and heading in. My eyes narrow, this doesn't seem right. She had told me that everything was alright and just wanted me to accompany her for moral support.
"Hi, Emiko!" She smiles, but I recognise that smile. Completely fake. My mind starts to wander off. She seems different, and unfortunately, not for the better. I notice traces of the person she once was. She looks, dazed. Almost, as if she's lifeless... hopeless.
She goes to sit on the couch, and I follow suit. The psychologist says something, but my mind is not present. I continue to think of what could have happened to her. Could it just be a bad mood? Or could it be persistent emotions?
"Hi, Taki!" The psychologist says. I snap back into the present. I shake her outstretched hand, my face turning red.
"Let's try the same thing today, okay? Think about the experience, and tell me how it's like," She says to Mitsuha, "Don't be discouraged, I've seen many more successful patients who've gone through many failed attempts at this. This is considered one of the hardest, but most effective exercises."
I turn to look at Mitsuha. She seems tired, but she closes her eyes, and I leave her to be.
I continue to look between Mitsuha and the psychologist. The silence is uncanny, and the uncertainty freaks me out.
All of a sudden, her entire body tenses up, almost as if she's freezing. My mind turns blank.
I start to realise what's happening. Every session, she tries to remember what is happening, tries to visualise the source of her pain, but the fear paralyzes her, and she says nothing. Instinctively, I grab her hand, in a sudden effort to try to calm her down, to remind her that it's all in her mind.
I slowly grab her wrist harder, to try to get her to speak without her 'waking up'.
She opens so little of her mouth that her words are barely audible, and her lips are barely moving. "I… see… the comet." She pants as if she's being constricted. "It's… it's falling. I see Yotsuha, and… and Grandma in the distance. They're in the middle of the field. The fragments… they are surrounding them. They can't move. But neither can I. I can't reach them. They're hugging each other… in fear. They're alive, but death can be seen in their eyes. I think they can see death… in my eyes too…"
I suddenly feel the pain she goes through. I understand why she wanted to commit suicide now. I was so apathetic, so... uncaring. I wasn't a friend that she needed. I wasn't a friend she would have wanted. I wasn't a friend or emotional support to her. I was…
Nothing.