Chapter 47: Feeling Guilty

Derek's Point-of-View

As if we weren't scared enough with the early birth of our daughter, my wife goes and passes out on me. Luckily, it was just a panic attack, she'd gotten herself too worked up and her oxygen levels dropped as her BP skyrocketed… leading to unconsciousness. It was good in a way; she needed the rest. It had been a rough couple of days, and I didn't know if they would get any better.

I left my mother in the room with her as I went to go get a status check on my little girl. I'd only seen a glimpse of her before they whisked her away to the NICU. As I put on a sterile drape, I saw Addison waving me in, I had to take a moment to breathe when I first saw the baby in the islet, she was tiny.., tinier than tiny! I couldn't believe a human being could be that small! She could probably have fit from head to toe in the palm of my hand.

They'd shoved tubes and wires down her throat and into her scalp, things were running from here to there everywhere to monitor her bodily functions, but I felt almost angry that she'd been in pain when they did that to her. I flashed an angry glance at Addison as I approached the islet.

"What are you giving me that look for?" she scoffed "I'm trying to save her life."

"Did you have to use so many damn wires and tubes though!" I scolded.

"Yes Derek." She reprimanded "I know you're thinking like a father right now, and you should be. But think for a second like a doctor."

My face softened a little "Is she ok?"

"She's tiny." Addison said softly "But she's strong."

"She gets that from her mother." I smiled. "But how bad is it?"

Addison's face looked a little remorseful as she let out a sigh "Her lungs are very underdeveloped, hence why I inserted a breathing tube, and feeding tube, and I had to give her some serfactant. I'm going to give her a light dose of antibiotics to try to keep the infection risk down. As long as her internal organs mature and hold up then all she has to do is gain weight."

"How little was she?" my voice shook as I asked. I was so worried about Meredith at the time I didn't even see if they'd weighed her or not.

"Two pounds, twelve ounces."

"Oh god." My voice shook as I tried not to let my sob escaped, I put my hand over the Plexiglas that isolated my baby girl from the dangerous world outside it and felt nothing but blame "I'm so sorry baby girl."

I sniffled and felt the guilt wrap around me. I welcomed it, I deserved to feel guilty. If I'd only tried to keep Meredith less stressed, if I hadn't tried to kill her brother, if I'd gotten up to get her a few more midnight snacks...maybe this little nameless girl would have still been growing safely inside her mommy by now.

"Derek." I heard as a hand rested over mine "It's no one's fault…it was just an unfortunate thing that happened. I really have high hopes that she'll pull through this."

"It is my fault." I whimpered like a baby "I wanted her to be a boy. I wanted a son, and now I have a daughter who was born too early, I have a daughter that has the possibility of not making it through the night." I sniffled "So, you see Addison, it is kind of my fault."

"We all have hopes Derek." She sighed "It's part of what makes us human. Even healthy babies have problems sometimes. The important thing is to love them and take care of them…let the universe take care of the rest."

"I do love her." I said as I rubbed my fingers over the plastic material.

"Would you like to touch her?" Addison asked, I looked up feeling a spark of light in my eyes at the thought of it. She smiled as she opened a side of the islet.

"I would love to."

She nodded, and I smiled as I reached in and softly stroked her fragile skin. It was the most amazing feeling, she was warm and softer than cashmere, her arms were the size of a pencil and her fingers were like tiny needles, she had a head full of raven curls and it was no surprise where she got them. I picked up her tiny hand with my index finger and she made a little grunting noise as she squeezed her fingers around my large one.

I felt a jump in my heart as I felt the tiny but strong squeeze; she may as well have been squeezing my heart. For that was the moment I felt it, the love a father has for his child…it was unconditional. No matter how tiny she was, she had a hold of me with a strength that was unbreakable. She would make it…she just had to.