I am not sure what it is about his comment, but something about it does not seem to sit well with me. Katniss will just have to pick the person she can't survive without. Maybe it is the air of assurance that rings through his voice, it's hard to place. But I can't help but feel that there is a real and true possibility that Katniss could go on and survive without either one of us. I think back yet again to our first Hunger Games and am reminded that I know Katniss can survive without either of us. Before the Quarter Quell Katniss and I tried so hard to profess our love to Panem. For me, this was simple. I have been in love with Katniss since I was five year old, there was not much pretending involved. But for Katniss I know it wasn't the same and it took me a lot longer than I would like to admit to accept that. Whether or not that changed for her, I might never get the chance to know thanks to President Snow. What I want most for Katniss, is for her to be content and confident in her choices. I never wanted to be with her out of force, I wanted it to be real. I wanted her to want me, just as bad as I have wanted her and if she cannot do that, I will have no choice but to accept it.
I try to take my mind off things by eating a big breakfast of liver pate and fig cookies. The remaining squad gathers around Tigris' television for one of Beetee's break-ins. Gale has his eyes trained on the screen. I wonder if this is a scenario they have discussed before.
There is a new development in the war. Apparently inspired by the black wave, some enterprising rebel commander came up with the idea of confiscating people's abandoned automobiles and sending them unmanned down the street. The cars don't trigger every pod, but they certainly get the majority. A very brilliant plan indeed. At around four in the morning, the rebels began carving three separate paths - simply referred to as the A, B, and C lines - to the Capitol's heart. As a result, they have secured block after block with very few casualties.
"This can't last," says Gale. "In fact I'm surprised they've kept it going so long. The capitol will adjust by deactivating specific pods and then manually triggering them when their targets come in range." Almost within minutes of his prediction, we see this very thing happen on-screen. I'm not sure how he is able to analyze strategy this well, but I'll be the first to admit that it is very impressive. All seems well. Three scouts follow and make it safely to the end of the street. But when a group of twenty rebel soldiers follow them, they're blown to bits by a row of potted rose bushes in front of a flower shop.
Beetee gives the broadcast back to the Capitol, where a grim-faced reporter announces the blocks that civilians are to evacuate from. Between her update and the previous story, Gale is able to mark a paper map to show the relative positions of the opposing armies.
I begin to hear scuffling out on the street, I move to the windows and peek out a crack in the shutters. In the early morning light, I see a bizarre spectacle. Refugees from the now occupied blocks are steaming towards the Capitol center. Many are panicked and wearing nothing but nightgowns and slippers. For most of these citizens, they have lived a life of complete ease, so seeing them like this now is bizarre. A few others seem more prepared and are bundled in clothes, they carry everything from small dogs, jewelry boxes, to potted plants. What is most disturbing to me, is the large number of confused, sleepy children that stumble after their parents. One catches my eye, she cannot be much older than six. She is barefoot and clutching to a small doll. Her hair tied into two braids, instead of one. Surely, she has never wanted for much. Until this point she has lived a life of luxury and safety. Perhaps her parents even wish for my death now. I should despise all of them. But despite those feelings, this young girl is a child all the same. An innocent piece of this war where she doesn't deserve to be. I leave the window as I can't stand to look at them anymore.
Tigris offers to be our spy for the day since she's the only one of us without a bounty on her head. She secures us within the shop and goes into the Capitol to attempt to pick up helpful information. When she leaves I walk over to Katniss who is sitting on a small wooden chair in the corner of the shop across from the window. She has her pack neatly tucked to the side after just organizing the few items inside. Her brown hair is pulled to the side of her shoulder and she fastens it into a familiar braid.
"Any nightmares last night?" I ask her quietly as I take a seat on a small stool near her chair.
She looks up at me, pondering my words for a moment the way she usual does lately. Trying to find a true memory that is attached to what I am saying.
She shakes her head. "No...how about you?"
"No...it was nice." I reply. I can't keep myself from wondering if maybe somehow the lack of nightmares is related to the fact that we are sleeping near each other again. It is nothing like how it once was, nothing like all of those memories on the train. Yet having her near me, within the same room, seems to keep me calm.
"I heard you and Gale talking last night." She says, completely catching my off guard with her words. I suddenly feel like a small child again, being caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I begin wracking my brain, trying to remember every word of the conversation, feeling worried that she might be angry with me over something that was said.
"You came to see me every day when I was in the hospital? Real or not real?" she asks.
"Real." I reply. "They wouldn't let me in the room to see you, but I was always there."
She gives a slight nod taking in my answer.
"Can I ask you something?" she says shyly.
"Anything."
She turns her gaze down, away from mine before speaking again. "If you love me like you say that you do...then why are you so nice to Gale. Doesn't he love me too?" she begins. "And if I can only pick one of you, why would you treat him the way that you do?"
For a moment I am confused at what she is asking me, but quickly I am able to see what she is trying to understand.
I reach forward and gently place my hand onto her knee. I am surprised when she doesn't shutter from my touch. "I want you to be happy Katniss... happy with your choices and happy with the person that you are. I don't care who you are with or what you choose to do in order to get there, I just want to see you happy again. If that means being with Gale, or not ending up with either of us for that matter, I would support you. And besides, there is enough hatred in this world, I'm not going to waste my time hating Gale over something that I have no control over."
I used to dream and hope for a day where I got to be with Katniss Everdeen. For when I could be hers, and she could be mine. I was jealous of anything and anyone that got in the way of that, including Gale. After she was captured and returned to District 13, my greatest dream for her changed. The things I once desired most disappeared, and were replaced by the simple hope that maybe she could feel like herself again one day. That maybe she could live a life where she felt happy.
Her grey eyes meet mine the way they have so many times before, and I can tell she is hanging onto my every word. "He was right." She says softly, almost chucking to herself.
"Who was right?" I ask.
"Haymitch," she says. "They let him come visit me in the hospital. He would talk about you a lot, especially before they sent me here."
This catches me off guard because I only saw Haymitch visit with Katniss a handful of times in 13, and he never would say anything about me. It occurs to me that this must have happened during those few days where the doctors and officials forbid me from the observation room, and then again when I had left for the Capitol.
" Peeta is the good one Katniss he would say to me. He is too kind for his own good." She recalls. "I didn't believe him then, but…." Her voice trails off.
I give her a reassuring smile, suddenly very thankful for my mentor. Whether I choose to believe it or not, I truly think that Haymitch has always been on my side.
By late afternoon, we're beginning to get uneasy about Tigris's long absence. The talk turns into the possibilities that she has been apprehended and arrested, turned us in voluntarily, or simply been injured in the wave of refugees. But around six o'clock she returns. She calls us back up from the cellar where we wait, the smell of frying meat fills the air. Tigris has prepared us a mountain of cropped ham and potatoes. It is the first hot food we have had in days.
As I chew my food I try to pay attention to Tigris as she relives the tale of how she acquired it. The main thing I absorb is that fur underwear is a valuable trading item at the moment, especially for people who left their homes underdressed. Many are still on the street right now searching for shelter. Those who live in those choice apartments in the city circle have not flung open their doors to house the displaced. On the contrary, most of them bolted their locks, drew the shutters, and pretended to be out. Now the City Circle's packed with refugees, and the Peacekeepers are going door to door, breaking into places if they have to in order to assign houseguests. I can't help my thoughts from thinking of that young girl with the braids from earlier, and genuinely hoping that she has a place to stay tonight.
On the television we watch a Head Peacekeepers lay out specific rules for the residents regarding how many people each household should be taking in based on their square footages. He reminds them that their President expects them to be not only willing, but enthusiastic hosts. Then they show some very staged shots of concerned citizens welcoming grateful refugees into their homes. The Head Peacekeeper goes on to say that the President himself has ordered that part of the mansion be readied for citizens by tomorrow. He adds that shopkeepers should be prepared to lend their floor space if requested.
"Tigris that could be you!" says Katniss.
I realize she is right. That even this narrow hallway in the shop could be appropriate as the numbers climb. Then I know we will truly be trapped in the cellar, constantly in danger of being discovered. I know based on Gale's expressions that our days in Tigris' shop are numbered. He realizes too that one way or another our time in the Capitol will be coming to an end.
The Head Peacekeeper comes back with more instructions for the population. It seems that this evening there was an unfortunate incident where a crowd beat a man to death a man who resembled me. Henceforth, all rebel sightings are to be reported immediately to authorities, who will deal with the identification and arrest of the suspect. This is a harsh reminder of how careful we will all need to be when we return to the streets, especially Katniss and I. Despite how fiercely I have vowed to protect her, I am smart enough to know that we would not stand a chance in front of an angry mob of twenty to thirty people.
"People have gone wild," Cressida murmurs.
I am helping Tigris do the dishes in her small white kitchen as Gale silently enters. Tigris looks up at him, and instantly knows he wants to speak with me in private.
"I'm going to check on a new fur shipment." She says, politely excusing herself from the room.
"Do you think it's true." I ask Gale. "That Snow will let refugees into the mansion?"
"I think he has to now," Gale replies, placing a few clean plates back into the cupboard. "At least for the cameras."
I nod.
"I'm leaving in the morning." He blurts out.
I knew this was coming. "What about the rest of us?"
"Cressida and Pollux are useful, they have a lot of knowledge about the area." Gale responds. "They have already agreed to come with me."
I am slightly taken aback to realize that I am the last one who is being informed about this plan. I wonder how long he has known this. I didn't even see him have the opportunity to speak with either Cressida or Pollux.
"Cressida knows a place, a similar bucker for you to take Katniss to when we leave. It's a block away from the mansion along the backside of an apartment on the left of an alleyway. We will split up right before that block, and meet you in the bunker if we need safety. It's our only option, Peeta." Gale says. I can hear the pain in his voice. I know that if I can not do my part in this Katniss will die. If we are found there is no telling what Snow would do to us now.
I let Gale tell Katniss about this plan. She seems reluctant at first. I can tell that part of her, a part of her that we all know so well, is trying to come through. She wants to help and she wants to fight. She is just as good with a bow as Gale is, but she is smart. She is no stranger to the torture she has endured. Gale tries to explain to her that she would not only be endangering herself if she were to step into battle, but the rest of the squad as well if she lost control. She agrees, but I can tell that part of her breaks because of this.
When evening rolls in we decide to eat a good dinner of canned peaches and canned salmon. We stuff the remaining few cans into my pack for Katniss and I. This food won't last long, a few days at most. So we are relying on either finding some extra food in the new bunker, or that this war will hopefully be over with.
"We need your help Tigris, with some disguises." Cressida asks as we finish our food.
Her face contorts in an odd expression but she flies into action from this request. She spends the next hour remaking the five of us. She redresses us with Capitol clothes to hide our uniforms before we even don our coats and cloaks. She covers our military boots with some sort of furry slipper. Secures our wigs with pins. Cleans off the garish remains of the paint we so hastily applied to our faces and makes us up again. Drapes our outerwear to conceal our weapons. Then gives us handbags and bundles of knickknacks to carry, similar to the people I saw from out the window. In the end we look exactly like the refugees fleeing the rebels.
"Never underestimate the power of a brilliant stylist," says Katniss. It is hard to tell, but I think Tigris might actually blush under her stripes.
There are no helpful updates on the television, but the streets seem just as thick with refugees as before. Our plan is to slip into the crowd in three groups. Cressida and Pollux will go first and act as our guides to the City Circle. Katniss and I will follow in the middle, with Gale bringing up the rear incase he needs to defend us quickly.
Tigris watches through the shutters for the right moment, unbolts the door, and nods to Cressida and Pollux.
"Take care." Cressida says to Tirgris, and they are gone.
Katniss and I will be following in an instant. I turn to her and give her a reassuring nod. Her eyes are clear and she seems as grounded as I can remember. I reach out my arm and offer it to her. I feel her fingers reach up and tuck securely right into the crook of my arm. This is it, I will need to protect her. I can not let us be separated again the same way we were in the Quell.
"It's time," says Tigris, pulling me back to reality. I fasten my red hooded cloak, pull my scarf over my nose and watch Katniss do the same. Then I lean over and give Tigris a simple kiss on the cheek. A small thank-you for all she has done for us.
When we step out into the frigid air sharp, icy snowflakes bite my exposed skin. Katniss and I drop our heads as I try to carefully scan my eyes for Cressida and Pollux. Really we look identical to any other couple walking the streets of the Capitol right now looking for refuge. Now the streets are filled with sounds. Crying, moaning, laboured breathing. Not too far off in the distance I hear gunfire. I can feel Katniss' grip tighten around my arm and am thankful she is staying close.
"Stay to the right!" a voice orders and I see the Peacekeepers dispersed throughout the crowd. I feel my heart start beating faster. One false move and Katniss and I will be spotted and our covers will be blown. It would be almost certain that they would forcefully separate us if captured, making it impossible for me to protect her.
Scared faces peer out of the windows of shops, which are already becoming overrun with refugees. Surely Tigris will have houseguests by lunch.
Despite the snowfall, the sun is shining bright and I am able to locate Cressida and Pollux ahead of me. The sight of them provides me with only some small comfort.
As carefully as we can we follow Cressida and Pollux for several blocks. They lead us down to several streets and alleyways. I know we must be getting close to the circle. We must be nearing the bunker Cressida has been envisioning for Katniss and I. Katniss and I have walked in silence, not daring to say a word to each other since leaving Tigris' shop. But her hand remains steady on my arm. All I can think about is how relieved I am that she is staying with me and not trying to run off. Just as I begin to think that this is somehow much too simple a loud explosion goes off behind us.
Instinctually I swoop my hand over Katniss' shoulder and bring her down to the ground. I attempt to shield us behind a large concrete sculpture. I dare to lift my face just high enough to meet her eyes. They are frantic as she searches from side to side but still clear and grey. I pull her head in close to my shoulder just as the gunfire begins ripping through the crowd.
"They are shooting from the roof above." She tells me just loud enough for me to hear.
I realize quickly that she is correct. They are not directly aiming for the citizens, but rather the Peacekeepers. I can tell easily that they are not a good shot, yet I am thankful that these allies have broken through. Perhaps also giving Gale some extra allies as he heads closer to the mansion.
"We have to keep going, Katniss." I say to her in an urgent whisper. The sounds of her erratic breathing confirm that this is no place for us to be. We need to seek shelter fast. We must be only a block or two from the spot Cressida has planned for us to stay in. The entire street has erupted in chaos. I can barely see the top of Pollux's golden robe. I grab Katniss' hand and pull her to her feet. We keep our bodies hunched over and dash through the street trying to keep sight on our squad members ahead. Gunshots are firing from every angle. Katniss has no weapon but I remove my gun from my cloak, careful to keep my face covered. Screaming people, bleeding people, dead people everywhere. I can feel my body slowing down as the horror of the situation threatens to stop me. But I feel Katniss pull ahead, her hand still gripping to mine. Somehow through the madness she seems to be staying more sane then I as she pulls us along. We drag each other through the street hand in hand. Just as we round the corner to the block Cressida is leading us to I watch a man, not much older than me, pull his weapon and aim it directly at Katniss. Without a second thought I shoot him in the temple. We have darted past him before his body even hits the ground. Everything around us is happening within a blink of an eye. The only thing I know for sure is that must hang on to Katniss' hand.
We manage to reach the edge of the circle where Cressida has mapped for us to hide. We are so close I can almost taste it.
I turn quickly to Katniss and in a voice as loud as I dare, say, "Stay with me." as a final reminder to her to stay near and focus on our goal of refuge. She gives me a subtle nod in return and I take this as my always. The sound of active pods erupt behind us and we bolt ahead.
The Circle is full of people milling around, wailing, or just simply sitting on the snow piles around them. Just as Cressida spots the alley that will be our refuge I become aware of the concrete barricade in front of the mansion. It stands about four feet high. I thought this would be empty, but it is packed with refugees. When I squint I get a closer look and realize that all of these refugees are children. Katniss follows my gaze and without even thinking we slow our sprint down to a jog. I see a mix of all children, from toddlers to teenagers. I know this can not be for their protection. If the Capitol really wanted to safeguard them I am sure they would be down in a bunker somewhere, somewhere similar to where I am supposed to be. I know that this is not for their protection, but surely for Snow's. He is using these children as a human shield.
Suddenly there is commotion to the side of the barricade. I hear shouts "The rebels! The rebels!" and I know they must have broken through. Surely this will be of great benefit to Gale and the others. Just before I begin pulling Katniss back towards the alleyway I see a hovercraft marked with the Capitol's seal appear directly over the children. Scores of silver parachutes rain down on them. Even in the chaos, the children know what they contain. Food, medicine, gifts. I am really trying to pull her now, more forcefully than before, but her eyes are trained on the children. I must admit that through all of this mine are too, but I force myself to remember my mission. I can feel her trying to loosen her arm from my grip. I am worried I am about to start panicking. I cannot lose her now.
The children are eagerly scooping up the parachutes as the hovercraft disappears into the sky. Ten seconds later about twenty of them simultaneously explode.
For several moments my mind goes completely blank. I have no other thoughts but to naturally run in the direction of the children, completely forgetting what I am meant to do. I want to help. A wail rises up from the crowd. Red streaks of blood fill the snow covered ground. We get about twenty paces in towards the mansion when I realize that Katniss will die if I let her in there. I remember my one simple job to do. Keep her safe. I stop dead in my tracks and pull her arm back to me. She stumbles back at my force and almost loses her balance.
"Let go!" She tells me. Her eyes are clear, but she is stern. I have let her get too far. I want to help these children, she wants to help these children, but I will never be able to live with myself if she dies here. I know we won't be able to help. Even in the chaos of the situation before us, we would be found within a matter of minutes and captured. Officials would not have any remorse for us trying to help their own children.
I can tell Peacekeepers did not know that this was coming as they attempt to yank back people and barricades the same way I am trying to yank back Katniss. They are everywhere and I am worried they will spot her. Without thinking I reach behind her so she is facing away from me. I wrap my arms around her waste an lift her off of her feet, carrying her backwards. She is trashing in arms as hard as she can fight. Another flock of peacekeepers enter the area. Only these are not Peacekeepers, yet they look very similar in their white uniforms, they are medics. These are the people who need to help the children in front of the mansion, not Katniss. They begin to swarm among the children wielding medical kits. Her body begins to calm at the sight of them, knowing that people are now here to help.
Just as I am about to let go of my grasp on her, she lets out a blood curdling scream. I tighten my grip again. This is it. This is the breakdown I was dreading since we left Tigris, how naive I was thinking I would avoid it. I take my first step backwards, attempting to lift her away from the scene when she leans back and slams her head into my nose. My reflexes force me to release her body. The blood immediately starts pouring from my nose and I am worried she has broken it. I have barely a second to get a grasp of the situation before she off, sprinting at full force away from me.
A second scream leaves her mouth as I take off after her. Only this isn't just a scream. She is yelling someone's name. The blonde braid down the smallest medic's back confirms what rushes into my brain. Prim.
I am only a few feet from Katniss when the rest of the parachutes go off.