She had felt him get up more than once the night before. Nightmares. Of what she wasn't sure, but it was enough to make him sit up with his head in his hands for a few moments. When he lay back down she could feel him staring at her. Wanting to touch her for comfort, but not wanting to disturb her. She had rolled over on her side so he could snuggle up and sleep.

Chapter 48 Fear

The Time Lord stirred in the bed. Rose was gone. He put his hand in the spot where she would have been, to see if it was still warm. He left his hand there just feeling that warmth and her scent on the sheets. The Time Lord hoped she didn't want him to rise too soon. He'd had a bad night and was not in the mood for breakfast around a table full of strangers. He closed his eyes and called her name softly.

Rose heard him from her chair, put down her cup, and came over to the bed. He looked so vulnerable and sad. She sat down and began to stroke his hair. When he released a ragged sigh she got in behind him to hold him close. Rose tried to comfort him, "I'm here my love. Just rest." He swallowed hard, "I love you Rose." "I love you too sweethearts." She began to place light kisses on his shoulders. "Are you alright? I know you had nightmares last night. Is there anything I can do?" He let out an amused huff. "You're already doing it."

He rolled over to look at her and pushed a lock of hair from her face. "You're so beautiful and smart, courageous and funny. What are the odds? In all the cosmos, for a refugee like me to find perfection like you." She smiled disbelieving, "Perfection? You're putting it on a bit thick aren't you?" He reached over to pull her to him. She nestled her head under his chin, and he put his arm around her.

"Not at all. You saved me Rose. When I met you I was just looking for a worthy death to end my suffering. I almost found it, I was that close. I might have thrown away all we have now, but for you. Now, I want to live so bad it hurts. I've never been afraid of dying before Rose. Regeneration is difficult and even painful, but not something I've ever feared, even knowing how different I would be afterwards. But now, I'm afraid. The fear of losing who I am now, for myself, and for you and Alice."

Rose knew his emotions had been getting stronger for many years. He had fought with them. Not to suppress, he'd had enough of someone trying to tell him he shouldn't feel things. He wanted to understand them and make peace with them. "Rose your emotions give you strength. Even the bad ones. How? How do you not fold under the strain of such strong emotion?"

Rose's face frowned as she tried to put into words where emotional strength comes from. "There's only one way to live with the fear of death, and that is to accept it. Accept that one day it will happen,… but not today. Humans convince themselves of, not today. Some would call it denial, others see it as confidence. That kind of strength must come from inside you. From what you believe, truly believe, about yourself and your world. Just because you have strong emotions doesn't mean you're not a Time Lord. Remember who you are. Have faith in yourself as I do. You didn't catch and hang on to that girder by chance. You made it happen."

Rose began to wonder. "Do your people have a deity?" He shook his head, "No. Time Lords are far too arrogant to believe in someone else having charge over them." Rose was intrigued, "What about the common people? Have you never had a deity or even superstitions about how your world works?" He was thoughtful, "In the extremely distant past we probably evolved like most species with creator gods. We learned long ago that gods are flawed because those who interpret them are flawed.

Instead, my people believe in having a code of personal concepts to follow. There is no deity who could embody them all, because everyone's list is a little different and often contradictory. Maybe that's why we have such a strict social code of conduct, and why we are so severe when someone steps over the line. With everyone having their own set of morals, civilization would be very chaotic without some sort of guidelines for everyone."

Rose smiled, "I know your list. Justice, kindness, equality, knowledge, humor, humility and courage." He looked doubtful. "Yes," she continued in earnest. "Courage. You're the bravest man I know because you truly understand that fear isn't a bad thing. You have handled your fear thousands of times and always won out. That's, not luck, it's skill. You use your fear like a superpower. It makes you resilient, think faster, react quicker. It will take more than just a loose girder for you to die. Much more."

He smiled that she knew him so well. Rose knew he was accepting her ideas. "Your courage, gives me courage. The woman who followed you to safety in that basement so long ago, had no reason to trust you. She did it because your courage is palpable. You wear it like a cloak. It makes those around you feel safe. When you feel safe you can do anything. Out run a shop full of living plastic or stare down a Dalek." She smiled with a faraway look as she remembered their first encounter.

"Do you have a deity Rose?" He asked gently. She smiled, "Well, I was raised a Christian, but never really took it seriously. Mum always said churches were for weddings and funerals. I guess, I believe in you more than any deity." He was embarrassed by her words. "No one should be put on that pedestal, least of all me. I've done too many terrible things to deserve it." Rose looked up at him, "I think there are enough planets up there that owe you their lives. They more than make up the balance for any wrong you might have done. Unlike most gods, at least you do no harm." He smiled at her and shook his head.

"Are you feeling any better?" He looked deeply into her eyes, "You always make me feel better. Thank you." Rose smiled, "Feel better enough to go for a little stroll? I've had the kitchen make us a picnic basket, and called down for some bikes. I thought we'd get some exercise and see something of the terrain around here." He owed her a day in the sun. "Ok, when do we leave?" "Oh, How about twenty minutes. So the tea can get cold?" He looked at her puzzled, until he remembered a certain pot of tea that never got consumed on the transport, and why.

Chapter 49 Lonely At The Top