22

Scotch Thoughts

All the World's a Stage

The shiver that just sped through his body had once more brought him back to reality, and he tried again to focus on the report in front of him. He knew it was probably no use. If he could just keep his mind on these last two sections of this blasted paperwork, he could get out of there and begin what he was sure was going to be one of the most wonderful evenings of his life. He was a trained operative, he should be able to push aside any distracting thoughts or emotions and compartmentalize his energy in order to perform a simple task like this. But it was no use and he knew it. He was sure he was up against the most powerful force in the world, and at the moment, all of his super spy training was completely undone. And he was going to savor every little bit of it.

Thank God he was alone in his office in the Q. If his desk had still been located in the bullpen he would have been in utter agony right now. As it was, Billy and Francine were safely ensconced down there working on recording the details of Martinet's debriefing. They weren't expecting anything from him except this final report. And Amanda…. Just thinking about her made him tingle all over and smile that ridiculously giddy smile he was so glad that he could hide from Billy and Francine right now. He still had the scent of her perfume all over himself; he could feel the softness of her skin under his fingertips and the brush of her hands up his lapel. They had put in a valiant effort to try to get to work, but it had proved futile. If he couldn't focus on the blasted paperwork in front of him with her not there, it had been a tortured impossibility to try with her right next to him. Even with her sitting on the other side of the desk, they were utterly caught up in one another. At that rate they never would have gotten out of the office. So he had suggested she go on home and spend some time getting the kids settled and herself ready for a romantic dinner date. And here he sat – still.

For days, he had been certain that if he could only just have a chance to really communicate to Amanda how he felt for her, he would be less distracted. He had been fooling himself. But, man, had the past few days been hard! Walking into this very office only a few days ago and finding Amanda working her way out of handcuffs had been intriguing enough. He hadn't seen her since he had left her standing there outside her kitchen the night he'd had to flee Dotty and the boy's sudden arrival home. His enjoyment at seeing her had to be tempered by Leatherneck's careful tutelage, but he sure had been impressed. Amanda had a way of unlocking things, which considering the way she had unlocked so much for him, shouldn't have surprised him.

He had been only slightly disappointed because the case had required them to be working on different things. He was content to let her be alone at the theater; being the lead understudy was a great cover and he had grown to trust her work and he knew she was resourceful and careful. It was just that he had wanted her near him. He had been looking for a moment to pick up where they had left off; the thrill of that quick peck on the lips and a tease of more had worn off rather quickly for him. He had thought he'd been handed one of those moments the other day while they were running her lines. Once again, they had been so close, in each other's arms… and then that blasted interruption. But as he had lain awake that night tossing and turning trying to let sleep finally take over his body, he had silently thanked Francine for her uncanny timing. He didn't want to just catch a brief moment and just playfully kiss Amanda. He didn't want her to have any opportunity to think that they were playing parts or that he might deny what happened in the next moment. That brief moment in the office the other day hadn't been the right one. But it had encouraged him. Just like that other night on her couch, she had been the one to make the first move. As he lay there in the dark last night thinking about it though, he realized that it was very important to him that he be the one to initiate this important step. Maybe he was being old fashioned - he wanted to show her how much he cared for her, but he also wanted to make sure she had as much time as she needed to make sure she really understood him, and he wanted her to know that he was truly interested in her… all of her.

So he had waited. He had waited while they followed Martinet to a hotel for a romantic tryst with Maria von Clausen. It had been excruciating to stand there with Amanda while they watched those two lovers embrace when all he had wanted to do was have a moment like that with the woman standing beside him. And then they had been seen. Amanda had been so brave to just jump off that balcony with him, and he couldn't help wonder if she was as willing to jump into the same depths of romance that he was dreaming about having with her even though it would change everything about their lives. But before he could find out the answer to that question, they had to endure being drugged and kidnapped. And that had been only an affirmation to Lee that he was right in letting Amanda into his work, his life, his heart. He had known it deep in his heart for a while now that Amanda was the one person on the face of this earth that was the right partner for him. Their forced trip to the mountains as Krutiov's captives was exactly one of the reasons why. They were a team. She was the lock pick to his grand theft auto, she was the distracting branch to his round kick and she was the reassuring hug to his weary relief. If they hadn't been accompanied by Krutiov's goon, Mischa, he might have been able to let her know exactly how he felt right there. It was the most amazing sensation to have the warmth of your partner's arms wrapped around you after a harrowing escape like the one they had just accomplished.

Well, it was the second most amazing sensation…. But the one that he had felt this morning as he had followed Amanda up to the Q Bureau was anything but wonderful. He had actually been a nervous wreck. As they had ridden the closet elevator to the Georgetown lobby, it had occurred to him that they were about to have an uninterrupted morning in the Q while they wrote up their final report. This was going to be the moment that he had been waiting for for days. The weight of what he was about to do had begun to mess with him the whole walk up the stairs. He had no control over how nervous he was, and he found himself searching Amanda's face to glimpse even the smallest hint that if he went forward everything would be okay between them. After all of these months of waiting and moving slowly, knowing that he was going to go ahead and take that step to finally move them into this new territory in their personal relationship seemed overwhelming. He had dreamed of this moment for a very, very long time it seemed and now it felt almost surreal.

Closing the door behind him as they entered the Q Bureau he thought he could see a slightly nervous look on Amanda's face as well. It had shaken him for the briefest moment. But he knew that Amanda was the only woman that he had ever wanted to be so clear with, and if he didn't begin now, it would haunt him forever. They did have a lot to talk about. He wanted her to know that he wanted more than anything to become the world's leading expert on Amanda King, and he wanted to give her permission to study him as well. But he knew he was better with actions than with words, and if he didn't seize that moment to take her in his arms that morning this one might get away from them as well. And damned if he hadn't been right. There was nothing that Billy could have to say to either of them that couldn't wait. Drawing Amanda to himself and clearly communicating to her how he felt about her could no longer wait. No, not this time!

He was certain that she could hear his heart pounding, feel his hands trembling as he gently reached for her. It was as if he had lost his way and had been searching her face for his next cue. But then she had done something that he realized she had done so often, and yet, this time he had been aware of it in ways he had never noticed. How often had she reached for his lapels or straightened his tie or just reached out to touch him on the chest? Each time she had done so it had registered with him at different levels. But today, standing there so close, so on the brink of what could be such a life changing moment for the two of them, she had run both of her hands up his lapels to his shoulders. God! He had loved the way it had felt, her warm hands touching him so possessively! And that had been all he had needed. He could relax, he was with Amanda and they were finally, finally after all the longing and wondering and attempts and interruptions… and then her lips were touching his and he could feel the softness of her skin - and too soon she had pulled away.

Had that been a question in her eyes? That one brief kiss was nowhere near long enough to convey what he wanted her to know. He had been desperate to close the distance he felt between them, even though she had only pulled back the smallest amount. But then her eyes had smiled and he had known that she was right there with him. And nothing could hold him back. All he knew then was a flurry of real sensations, ones that before today he had only tried to remember from dreams. Amanda's nearness, her body so close to his, his arms wrapped around her completely. Her openness to him and his to her. He could feel the tingle all over him, even now, as he remembered the way it had surprised him when he felt her fingers in his hair on the back of his neck and he had taken his own hand and brought it to her face. He couldn't get her close enough.

But kissing Amanda was so different than anything he had ever experienced. He had never kissed a woman like this before. This was no race to some finish line. This was not one base that led to another and the next, until the game was over. This was the most wonderful sharing of the most tender of emotions. This was all these past three years of learning to care for and appreciate and value each other poured into this one amazing moment together. This was communicating something that he was sure he hadn't the words to express. This was the two of them together entering into an amazing mystery - their hearts intermingling. How could he have so many thoughts and be formulating so many words at the same time that he could think of nothing else other than having her closer, kissing her longer? His heart was pounding in his chest even now, and he realized with dismay that he had just wasted another 15 minutes staring off into space dreaming about something that he could experience all over again if he could just stay focused on this damn report and get out of there! If he could just not think about Amanda and how beautiful she would look tonight and how he could now tell her that and let his eyes linger on her and dance with her and kiss her again and again and again… God! Stay focused man!