CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
A Life Without Jasper Hale
What they don't tell you about recovering from trauma is that life continues, with or without you. As the bruises faded to tarnished green, sickly yellow, and finally to nothing, I fell into a routine. It was obvious that Will had changed his schedule around because now he was always with me in the morning before school. We sat together, me on top of the counter eating my strawberries and whipped cream and him leaning against the island downing a large cup of coffee. Sometimes we laughed and joked around, but most days we were silent. I'd never been more thankful for my brother.
Jasper hadn't been at school since that first day after the incident. Emmett admitted that it was tough for him to see the bruises on me, knowing that his hands were the ones that made them. I found it impossible not to think that it was tougher for me to have the bruises, knowing he had caused them. Luckily, I had basically three weeks without him around constantly reminding me of what had happened.
I spent more time with Hannah and Jordan. We went bridesmaid dress shopping, and it made me cry when Jordan purposefully avoided Port Angeles "knowing" what had happened to me there. We ended up all the way out in Seattle and it was absolutely worth it because Jordan found exactly what she didn't know she wanted. The entire time, she was convinced her bridesmaids would be in bright red, but it took one look at a line of light, cornflower blue dresses and she was settled. She admitted to us that she wanted to have kids, that she was seriously considering not bothering with the college thing when that just wasn't her dream. We cheered her on and got ice cream to celebrate.
Every Tuesday afternoon was spent in the therapist's office. It had only been a couple of visits but I had a good feeling about her. We hadn't talked about anything too difficult yet but I left her office feeling refreshed every time.
Life was peaceful and easy without Jasper Hale, not to say there wasn't a small part of me that didn't miss his presence. It was that part of me that was the most terrifying. Was that the part of me that was his mate, destined to be in love with him forever? Was I destined to forgive him for anything he did, simply because some part of me couldn't let him go? I feared the answer to that question. I feared that question because even though my life was easy without him, it was also boring. There was something missing and unfortunately, I knew just what it was.
"Okay, so let me get this all straight. Dr. Cullen was the first one of you guys. Edward was the first one he turned, then his wife. Then Rosalie? I get the other two, he wanted a family and all that, but why not just stop if he felt so guilty about it?" I asked Emmett during our lunch break. It was Sunday, meaning I was sitting in Emmett's jeep parked on the top of a random cliff eating lunch. He didn't seem to want to leave me alone for too long, and I had way too many questions and he was the only one I could ask.
"She was supposed to be Edward's wife. They didn't get along very well," Emmett laughed, something in his eyes letting me know that he was remembering something distant.
I tried to imagine the gorgeous and intimidating blond with the red-head who always seemed to be pouting. The mere idea caused me to laugh, pulling the same reaction out of Emmett, too. "That's when she found you, right?" A nod and a wistful smile from Emmett confirmed what I already knew at this point. "Did," I paused, wondering if it was insensitive to ask the question but being too curious to stop now, "Did you want this? To be a, you know?"
"You're allowed to say vampire," Emmett laughed, nudging my arm a little with his elbow. "Honestly, I can't imagine a regular life now. I don't mind it like the rest of my family does."
"Is Jasper ever coming back?" I asked, voice dipping a little as if someone might overhear us.
"Alice says he is."
That wasn't the kind of response I was expecting. I knew Alice to be one of the Cullen siblings. She was the tiny one who walked so gracefully I would have believed it if someone said she was floating everywhere. "Why would Alice know? I thought he just took off?"
"He did. Alice is just guessing," Emmett spoke quickly. It was a good thing he was a horrible liar, eyes tilting away from me after he said it.
"Uh uh, I can see right through that, Em," I laughed, "You gotta tell me now. What's up with Alice knowing everything?"
Emmett mumbled something, though it was too quiet for me to really make out. "I'm sorry, what was that?" I asked him to clarify, my chest now burning with curiosity.
"Alice can see the future."
"What?" I shrieked then, head whipping around to stare at him like he had three heads. Honestly, that probably wouldn't have surprised me as much as that last statement. "How dare you not tell me if I get into Harvard or not!"
"It doesn't work like that," Emmett chuckled, "Her visions change as people change their minds. And it's not exactly important to her that you got in or not, so it probably wouldn't show up for her unless she went looking."
"Well make her go looking. Please, Emmett, it's been months." I knew I should be getting the letter any time now, but every day that went on without it made the nervousness grow. What would happen if I didn't get in? I had a backup plan, but was that what I wanted?
"So you just found out someone can see the future, and you're hung up on college admissions?"
"Well, when you put it that way I feel dumb."
"You're one of the smartest people I know, don't let anyone make you feel dumb," Emmett told me, a playful look on his face but words so serious. That's just how it was with him.
"Okay, so smarter question. Can all of you see the future?"
"No, just Alice. Edward can read minds though."
"He what?" I found myself trying to remember every thought I'd had while in the same room with him, not wanting him to know something embarrassing about me. "Oh please tell me he didn't read my mind. Those are my thoughts."
"I'll just keep quiet then."
"Emmett!"
"What? It's not me!" he protested, throwing his hands up in the air in a defensive stance.
"Okay. Alice sees the future. Edward sees into people's heads. What can you do?"
"I'm strong, even stronger than some vampires. Carlisle and Rosalie have extreme self-control. Neither of them has ever slipped. Jasper can-" Emmett stopped himself in his tracks, eyes looking to me hesitantly.
"As long as you're not about to say he can read minds too, I'm good."
"Okay, he can feel other people's emotions. He can influence them too."
"I take it back, that's worse," I said immediately.
"How could that possibly be worse than reading minds?" Emmett asked, this time clearly confused.
It was easy for Emmett, I supposed, as he always seemed to reveal exactly what he was feeling. Knowing that at every point Jasper knew exactly how I was feeling made me feel vulnerable in a way I'd never been before. All those times he'd been able to tell I was hurting was real. A shudder ran through me at the thought of him being able to sense exactly when I began to feel something toward him. "Can he turn it off?" I asked, almost hopefully.
"No, he can try not to focus on it but he can't just refuse to notice it," Emmett explained, shrugging his shoulders.
"Wouldn't that get overwhelming?"
"You'd have to ask him that."
"I have so many questions for him," I admitted, knowing there were just some things that Emmett either couldn't or wouldn't answer for me.
"Are you going to see him again? When he comes back?" Emmett asked, golden eyes watching me carefully.
I wished I had a good answer for him. If this time without Jasper Hale taught me anything though, it was that there was never a good and easy answer when it came to him.
Two more days had passed and Jasper was still gone. I could tell the student body was getting nervous. People had even come up to me to ask where he was and if he was coming back. Unfortunately, I didn't have a good enough answer for them either. What could I possibly tell these people about where my vampire ex-boyfriend had disappeared to?
I was thankful when Rebecca suggested I skip school with her that Wednesday if only so I didn't have to be bothered by more gossipmongers. It was just a peaceful day with an amazing family member. It wasn't too often that I got to spend time with just my brother's wife so it was great that we had the day to ourselves.
As the day went on, though, it was clear why Rebecca had me skip school. Though she thought she was being clever, it was clear in her eyes that she wanted to bring something up to me. Her eyes kept lingering on me, staring and giving me flashes of pity. Finally, as we sat down to lunch, I dared bring up what I knew she wanted to talk about. "I heard from Emmett that Jasper should be coming back soon. He wanted to give me time to think things over." It wasn't entirely true, but it was hopefully enough for Rebecca.
"What's there to think about?" she asked me carefully over her cup of iced tea.
"Emmett told me that Jasper's hoping I'll forgive him."
"Are you?" It was a loaded question. Those two words were enough to sent silence over our table, both of us just watching each other.
"I know he didn't mean to do it. He has his own problems and trauma he's working through right now...," I began, trailing off as I thought about the next half of that sentence.
As if Rebecca knew just where I was going, she spoke up with, "But...?"
"But I'm worried he's not capable of changing." There was so much I longed to tell her but couldn't, knowing what I had promised Emmett. But Jasper and I are meant to be together according to the vampire rules. But Jasper warned me that he was dangerous and I ignored him anyway. "It sounds crazy because I'm only eighteen, but no one has ever made me feel like Jasper does. He's infuriating and he really scared me this time, but...I just keep wanting to go back to him."
"You don't sound crazy," Rebecca promised, though I had to wonder if she was lying to make me feel better. "I was young when I met Will. He was in a bad way when we first started dating. He never dared lay a hand on me, but sometimes his words cut so deep it was like he had. Turns out he was struggling with his parents disowning him, and then with having to give his baby up. It was so much for anyone to deal with alone, and he ended up taking it out on me."
"Why did you ever stay with him?" I asked. By the time I met Will after the funeral, he was the sweetest person I ever met. I couldn't imagine him ever saying anything that could hurt Rebecca as badly as she'd said. "How did it get better?"
"I learned to respect myself. I had to lay down some ground rules for us. It was a lot of work and a lot of patience, but we figured it out. Will was able to work on what was burdening him and I stuck it out. I'm really glad I did, too. He's almost unrecognizable from when we first started dating," Rebecca told me. "I'm not saying you have to stick it out. But if you do, make sure he understands that you have to be respected.
"How do I know if I should forgive him?"
"You have to figure that one out for yourself," Rebecca answered, suddenly sounding so wise beyond her years. "And there's nothing wrong with asking for time. If Jasper truly respected you at all, he would give you the time and space you need."
"Thanks, Becca."
"Of course, that's what family's for," Rebecca said, reaching out to give my hand a reassuring squeeze before going back to her lunch. "Although I gotta admit, I don't feel good about you going back to him. I can't imagine what kind of force he had to use to make bruises like that."
Enough force to kill me easily. The thought alone was enough to make my hand shake as I brought my cup up to my lips. "Well, I bruise easily too," I tried to explain, not wanting my family to think of Jasper that poorly. He had messed up big time and I was certainly angry, but I knew from the way Rebecca was talking about him that there was no way they'd let me forgive him.
"See, that's what has me worried," Rebecca pointed out, finger stretched out in my direction. "If there's any hope of this being a healthy relationship, you have to quit rationalizing everything he does. What Jasper did wasn't okay and there's no excuse in the world that could make it okay. He's never going to change his behavior if you keep making excuses for him."
It made sense. It made sense in the way everyone told me to stop speaking so kindly about my dad. I could only nod in response, throat tight as I tried to consider what Rebecca had said. She had a point, one that I'd known was true the whole time but never able to vocalize.
"It's tough, I know. When you care about someone you never want to imagine them hurting you. It's easy to make excuses because it's easier to think those actions weren't really them.
"You know, you're really smart," I could only barely get out. "But it doesn't matter, Jasper's been gone for so long I'm starting to think he'll never come back." I still didn't know if I should be relieved or terrified by the thought.
July 4th, 1862
The celebrations from the small town could be heard from where Jasper Whitlock and his men were stationed. His orders were clear though they still sat heavily in his chest. This small town in Alabama hardly made it onto the map, but it had garnered the attention of the Confederate leaders. Roseville was full of Union sympathizers rumored to be housing troops and keeping them hidden from the Southern army. If it wasn't sure before, Jasper knew by the sounds of celebration that these people loved the country they were a part of.
How could a person's love be the reason for their death? Since when was love for country cause for execution without trial? This was a war and Jasper knew death was a part of it, but what of innocent lives? Did they not matter if only the end goal was achieved?
There had to be something else, Jasper concluded. If he could only find something that would make his orders worth it, then Jasper would carry through with them in the morning. After the long celebration, everyone would be asleep as the sun begins to rise; they would never see the attack coming.
Jasper found himself slipping off his coat and anything that would give him away as a Confederate soldier. There had to be some worthwhile reason these people were slated for death, and he was determined to find out. It was easy to sneak out of camp considering he was the acting Lieutenant. It was even easier to get into the town; there were no soldiers guarding the barrier causing even more doubt to fill his chest. This was clearly not a Union army stronghold, just a town of people.
There were Union soldiers, though not enough to be an entire garrison. None of them seemed ready for war either; their own coats shed and celebrating with the other townspeople. "This is our one chance at a drink! Relax, it's the last time to celebrate before the big day," one of the few soldiers shouted to him, clapping Jasper on the shoulder and thrusting a drink into his hand. "Haven't seen you before, 'you part of the support?
The man had to have been around Jasper's age; barely old enough to take part in this war. He was wearing the familiar blue of the Union army though his shirt was loosened and crinkled. His brown hair was mussed up and though he'd clearly had enough alcohol to loosen him up, there was a layer of caution in the man's gray eyes.
"Yes, I am," Jasper confirmed, allowing himself to take a drink of what was handed to him.
"Great! Gideon Mitchell," the soldier introduced, sticking his hand out for Jasper to shake.
"Jasper Whitlock." He didn't know why he felt the need to share his real name. It could have been dangerous if this man was at all knowledgeable of the Texas division of the army.
"This is a great town, Jasper Whitlock. I bet you were as shocked as I was when you found out this place was set to be ambushed."
So the Union knew, then. Jasper's troops were going in expecting this to be easy, but now he knew it would likely lead to an all-out battle for the town. "I can't imagine the reason they have. The townspeople seem peaceful."
"They are. They're just trying to survive. They never asked to be a part of this war, they just want their lives to continue unchanged," Gideon explained as the pair moved through the crowd of dancing people.
"You make the Confederates seem cruel," Jasper pointed out.
"Anyone who willingly attacks a town of innocent people is cruel."
"What if they're just following orders?"
Gideon looked sharply to Jasper, eyes watching him carefully. "The soldiers that know their orders are wrong but still carry them out anyway are the worst of the lot. They could make a difference and yet they choose not to."
The words struck Jasper hard in the chest. It was enough to make his breath catch, though he hoped it was too loud outside for the other man to notice. He was fully aware that if he was found out, he was as good as dead. Jasper couldn't help but picture his family then. They refused to support the Confederacy and would likely be killed as quickly as the townspeople of Roseville if anyone of importance found out. The thought made his stomach lurch uncomfortably. "I suppose you're right."
"I know what you are, Jasper Whitlock," Gideon spoke, eyes never turning away from Jasper. The other man stood rigid, trying to think of how to escape without leading them straight back to his men's camp. "We don't have support here. I am here with a small group of my best men to intercept the Confederates. Considering you're here, I'll guess my intel was correct."
Jasper couldn't say a word. What could he say that wouldn't get himself killed? There was no way to get out of this situation and he knew that. When Jasper didn't speak up, Gideon continued, "Who are you really, Jasper Whitlock? I'd think carefully about how you choose to answer."
"Lieutenant Jasper Whitlock of the Texas cavalry," he finally answered after a pause.
"Texas, huh? 'Thought all of you fought to be a part of this country."
"We did."
"You're just going to throw it away like that then?" More silence as Jasper struggled to find a way to answer. "Tell me, do you honestly believe slavery is worth all of this death?"
"It's not about slavery," Jasper corrected quickly, repeating what his superiors had told him all along, "The government has no right to tell us how to live our lives."
"If you really believe that, then you're a fool, my friend," Gideon laughed. His laughter was sharp at the edges, revealing the other man's frustration with Jasper. "Who are the people you're fighting alongside, tell me. Are they the sons of wealthy plantation owners, desperate to protect their way of life? Or are they the sons of poor farmers who have never once seen a slave yet are told abolition will affect their lives?"
"Why haven't you killed me?" Jasper asked, crossing his arms over his chest and wishing he'd brought a weapon with him.
"I feel sorry for men like you. Desperate to support their state but not even knowing what you're fighting for." Gideon shook his head, clapping Jasper's shoulder again. "I know you're not capable of killing these innocent people. If you want a way to support the Texan people, come back tomorrow night."
"And if I prove you wrong?" Jasper asked, only watching as Gideon began to back up. The man turned around, not even looking over his shoulder as he responded to Jasper.
"Then I will be forced to return with the necessary forces to take down your cavalry unit," Gideon answered simply as if they were talking about much more mundane things.
"You don't even know me."
"I know of men like you, Jasper Whitlock. You'll make the right choice."
Will's shouting was what tore me from the pages of Jasper's journal. I jumped, quickly placing the book in my nightstand drawer so no one could see I was still reading it. My bedroom door was closed but I could hear Will's words clearly through it.
"You have a lot of nerve to show up here after what you did," Will growled, and instantly I knew who it was. My heart began to race as I flung myself out of bed, hurrying down the stairs before Will could provoke the other man.
There he was, standing at the door frame and at least having the decency to look ashamed. In truth, Jasper had seen better days. He looked exhausted and I wondered how a vampire could manage to do that when they didn't need to sleep. His shoulders were hunched forward slightly, eyes never once looking up at Will. They did look up as I approached though, and the look of pure pain in his eyes was enough for me to gasp.
"Will, Will it's okay," I tried, resting a hand on Will's arm to stop him from doing anything he'd regret later.
"No, it's not okay! How dare he show up here!" my brother shouted.
"I invited him," I lied smoothly, crossing my arms over my chest then to hide the fact that I had ditched my bra hours before. I found myself wishing I looked better than I did, dressed only in short athletic shorts and a worn old t-shirt. I found myself tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear to hide how it had fallen from my messy bun. "I wanted to talk."
"I'm not leaving you alone with him," Will answered, turned almost completely around so his back was to Jasper.
"I'm not asking you to. We'll be in the living room, you and Rebecca can hear everything from your room," I reassured Will. It seemed to be enough for he gave Jasper one last glare before retreating back to his and Becca's bedroom. Once my brother was gone, I braved a glance at Jasper. "You can come in," I told him softly, unable to stop the way my hands shook against the edge of the door.
"Valerie, I-" Jasper began once the front door was closed behind him, though I quickly stopped him by raising my hand up between us.
"Emmett told me everything."
"He mentioned that, yes." Jasper was watching me closely, golden eyes never blinking. "Does it explain everything?"
"It explains it, yeah. It doesn't excuse what you did." Jasper physically flinched at that like the words had slapped him in the face. My hand dully ached at the memory of doing that very thing weeks before.
"Valerie, I never wanted to hurt you. It was why I tried to push you away, so I would never lose control," Jasper explained, pleading with his expression for me to understand. I did understand. Emmett had told me countless times how difficult it was to practice self-control around humans, especially for Jasper.
"The bruises only just faded, you know." Jasper didn't have an answer to that one. When I chanced a glance back up at him, I noticed his eyes had turned away from me. "I don't know how I'm supposed to ever trust you again."
"Valerie." There was so much pain in Jasper's expression and I couldn't help but feel it in my chest. Guilt bubbled up in me as I took in how much my words were hurting him. I had wanted him to understand how badly I hurt, but looking at him now I see he already did.
"And yet, I missed you while you were gone." Jasper's eyes snapped back to stare into mine, a little wider in his shock. Before our date, I might've teased him for finally being able to catch him off guard. "There is a part of me that wants to accept you back immediately, completely forget about what happened."
Jasper didn't dare answer and I was thankful for it. I wasn't sure I could continue if I heard his voice. "I know I can't do that though. I need...I have to respect myself. I'm willing to see you again, but I have conditions. I need to know that things will be different from now on."
"Anything, Valerie. Seeing you that hurt because of me was one of the worst moments of my very long life," Jasper admitted, voice thick with an emotion I couldn't place.
"Okay," I breathed, willing my hands to stop shaking and my heart rate to calm down before I continued. "First of all, I need you to be more open with me. I'm not asking you to tell me stuff you're not ready to say, but no more lies for the sake of lies. A lot of this could have been avoided if you would have just communicated with me, not left me in the dark about everything."
When Jasper didn't answer, I took it as an agreement. "Next, no more being a martyr, okay? That shit doesn't work. Don't assume what's best for me or what I want. I'll decide that for myself. I also can't...I need time to trust you. I can't forgive you right away, I can't just flip a switch and be okay. I can't be alone with you yet, not totally. Maybe that means Emmett or someone sticks with us for a bit, I don't really know but I just need time and I need you to respect that."
"Of course, Valerie. I'll do whatever it takes to keep you in my life," Jasper agreed, stepping forward with a hand out to grab mine, though he paused and seemed to think better of it.
"Okay," I breathed, suddenly feeling a rush of relief hit me. I could have seen Jasper saying that was too much, saying I wasn't worth the trouble.
"Thank you, Val, for giving me the chance to make this right."
"I...what if we try this, and I can't forgive you?" I asked, scared to hear the answer.
"Then I'll have to accept that," Jasper answered, even shrugging one shoulder as if he'd considered that option before. He probably had, considering the shock that cleared his face as I spoke of forgiveness.
I glanced at Will and Rebecca's bedroom door, now shut. I wondered if he was pressed tightly against it, listening intently. I took a step toward Jasper then, speaking in a quiet voice so no one could hear. "Emmett told me you can change people's emotions. If you can really do that, then why don't you just make me forgive you? It'd be easier for you."
Jasper was silent then, not moving as he considered it. The look in his eyes was so intense it made me want to look away but I found I was unable to.
"If it happens, I want it to be real. I want to deserve your forgiveness."
The words hung in the air between us. I was suddenly reminded of Rebecca telling me this was too intense for a high school relationship. Perhaps she had been right, though now it made sense. Jasper was a vampire who had been alive during the nineteenth century. He had seen so much for the world and had clearly experienced so much hurt in life. I had only seen eighteen years of the world but with him it felt like I'd seen decades. Life was peaceful without Jasper Hale but it was also a little emptier. Even looking at him in that moment I knew the end result between us.
"You do. I, I'll get there. I will forgive you, Jasper."
Hello, everyone! How're you all doing? It's been a wild ride the past few months. I'm currently one month into my final year of undergraduate study which is so crazy to think about. I have been so busy but this story is one thing that keeps me calm and collected about everything. I want to take a moment and thank you for the warm reception to this story. I can't thank you enough for sticking through this even when my updates take ages to happen. We have officially cleared 100k, the first time I have ever done that with a singular fic. Honestly, that would never have happened without any of you guys so thank you so much for reading and a big thank you to those of you who take the time to leave a review. This was a shorter chapter and bounces around a little, so it's a tad filler-y. It's still important, though! As always, review responses are below and I can't wait to hear what you think of this chapter!
Ghostwriter71: Once again, thank you so much for your continued support for this story. Jasper is definitely beating himself up for this one and definitely needs to learn not to be a martyr like our dear Edward.
sHiZoooo: That's a really good point and I'll make sure to watch that from now on. Ending scenes smoothly is something I really struggle with so I do know I rely pretty heavily on the "and then the bell rang" ending. Also, thanks for your feedback on Valerie! I've had some experience with this so I like to think I'm portraying it somewhat realistically without it taking over the fic. Thank you so much for your review!
GracieAReviews: Seriously, I love your reviews. That is exactly what I was going for with this version of Jasper. We see a little bit of his reaction to it here but it will definitely be revisited as the pair get more comfortable with each other again. I also saw this as like his worst fear ever so this definitely had an effect on him as well. I also read the books/watched the movies and thought that there's no way Jasper was just "over" what happened with Maria in the Southern army. I definitely intend on exploring it a lot more now that the focus can be on him a little more. As for the Major, I don't know if it'll explicitly be like a Jekyll and Hyde situation like I think the original idea was, but I do want to explore the idea that Jasper still has a bit of darkness in him from that time. So yes, kind of, but maybe not like as dramatic as The Major. Also, I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that and thank you for sharing. I was a victim of partner abuse but I still found myself worried about portraying it accurately enough without it becoming the only thing we see about Valerie, you know? So thank you for the reassurance that it's not coming across offensive or anything! Valerie definitely isn't perfect and they will have their moments but she really wants for this to work out in a healthy way. It's going to be a learning process for the both of them! Anyway, sorry for the long response but thank you so much for your review.
.2020: I'm so glad to hear it, thanks so much for reviewing!
TheRealTayler13: Thank you for reviewing! I was late by a week but I hope this chapter was worth the wait.
.7: Thank you, that really means so much to hear! Thanks so much for reviewing.
rachael o brien: Wow, I can't even imagine someone rereading something I wrote because they enjoyed it! I'm so glad you like it so far. I definitely wanted this to be a little more realistic so I'm glad you think it is. Thanks for reviewing!
silvitchadpb: Ah, thank you! I was really worried people would think I wasn't portraying Jasper correctly, so thank you for that! I loved reading both of your reviews, so thank you!