Remus wasn't expecting Sirius to be awake. He hadn't made it home until late into the night.
His debrief with Dumbledore had taken some time. He'd become convinced that they needed a new approach with Annabelle, to reach out directly to negotiate. She didn't have the same intense distrust of wizards that so many werewolves did. Given that she already seemed to harbor her doubts about Remus' cover, he believed it might be more successful for a meeting to be set with Dumbledore directly. Remus would go back once everything was arranged, assess the safety of the situation, and approach Annabelle with the proposal. He didn't think she'd be interested, but Dumbledore seemed confident he could convince her.
He was dreading the thought of returning, even if just to arrange the meeting. He couldn't see Andy again. He'd left without a word. It wasn't his fault that Andy was the living, breathing personification of his failure. He deserved better than Remus. They all did.
He'd closed out the long night with a trip to Madam Pomfrey. He came back clean on all her tests. She told him she was proud of him. He felt sick as she said it.
Sirius was not asleep when he got home. He was wide awake, Sex Pistols blaring loud enough that the neighbors would have called the cops if Sirius hadn't set silencing charms. He was sat on the living room floor, a pile of playing cards in front of him that were being stacked into an elaborate castle, complete with levitated draw bridge.
There were records strewn across the living room, along with a pile of takeout containers on the floor beside the coffee table. They had clearly been set aside to make room for the game. There were days' worth.
The tower of cards fell and scattered spectacularly as Remus opened the door onto the scene, Sirius standing up abruptly and knocking the table in the process. His unbrushed hair was falling around his pale, slightly sickly face.
"Moony, you're home!" Sirius called out.
He whipped his wand in the direction of the record player wordlessly, halting the music with a dramatic scratch. Remus had hoped he'd have more time before having to face him. He seemed frantic. Almost manic. He hadn't decided if he was going to confess. He knew it would hurt Sirius. Probably end things between them for good. He didn't want any of that. He was so tired of lying.
"Hi Pads," he said carefully as he closed the door.
Sirius rushed over to him but stopped just short of reaching out physically to greet him. He seemed nervous.
"I'm sorry," Sirius said painfully. "I'm sorry for what I did. Please don't leave like that again. I'm-"
He was cut off as Remus kissed him. Deeply, passionately. Remus could taste Firewhisky on him. He held him close. A silent, desperate plea for forgiveness that Sirius could not understand.
When they broke apart, he looked around, noticed the half empty bottle by the couch. There were empties in the bin, too. Sirius didn't notice, just stared at Remus in confusion.
"I thought you were mad at me. You should be mad at me," he stated as if it were obvious.
"I was," said Remus, feeling sick to his stomach at the guilt that Sirius had been so clearly harboring. "I'm not now. I know you did what you did because you love me. I love you too," he said, reaching out and squeezing Sirius' hand, begging him to believe it. I loved you even as I ruined everything, even as I took another man into my bed.
"I- yeah, okay. Okay," said Sirius, struggling to change gears.
This time he noticed as Remus' eyes wandered back over to the bottle, almost wistfully. He slapped his palm to his face, swearing. He whipped out his wand and pointed to the bottle, muttering 'Accio.' It flew into his hand, a little bit sloshing out of the open lid onto the floor.
"I'm so sorry. Fuck, I didn't know you'd be home tonight, I'll get rid of it," Sirius rambled, striding over to the kitchen sink.
"It's fine, Pads. Really, don't worry about it."
"No, it's not. It is- I have been inconsiderate," he said, over-enunciating every syllable as he poured the alcohol down the drain. "Not a good partner. I've had a lot of time to think about this, Moony." He dropped the empty bottle into the sink with a loud clatter, then turned to face Remus. "You've been gone a month, after all."
"I'm sorry," he said earnestly. So deeply sorry. Please, please forgive me.
"How did it go? Where were you? Did anything go wrong?" asked Sirius in rapid fire, desperate to get answers.
Remus hesitated. "I can't talk about it."
"You said you're not mad at me," whined Sirius. "Just tell me if you are and I'll make it right. You can't freeze me out!" he declared.
Remus stepped forward, putting his hands on Sirius' shoulders and looking him in the eyes.
"I'm not mad, really. This isn't out of spite. I just… can't talk about it. Not anymore. Dumbledore say's we can't risk anyone else knowing anything," he explained in what he hoped was a reassuring tone.
Sirius' eyes widened and he backed out of Remus' grip. "You don't trust me! I haven't said anything to anyone! How can you just cut me out like that? A month, Remus, a fucking month waiting to talk about this with you and now you're telling me you won't?" yelled Sirius, all regret forgotten as his mood swung wildly to anger.
"I'm telling you I can't," said Remus calmly. "Why don't we discuss this tomorrow? It's late and you have work in the morning."
"No! You don't get to just come and go as you please with not a word about it! We've done that before, remember? It didn't fucking work."
"Sirius, please. I'm tired and you're drunk-"
"You're one to talk," he spat. "You can keep your hypocritical judgments to yourself. After everything I've put up with! You finally get your shit together and now you want to turn it all around on me?"
Remus sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm not judging you, Sirius. I just want to go to bed."
"Well fuck off then," he hissed.
Remus walked towards the bedroom, not looking back as Sirius knocked a plate from the kitchen bench onto the floor with a crash. He couldn't keep down the tears as he reached the door. As soon as it was closed behind him, he sunk to the floor, already hyperventilating.
He wanted to tell Sirius everything. To lay it all out and beg his forgiveness. He wanted to skip ahead to the part where life wasn't a constant state of disaster.
He'd leave him. Surely Sirius would leave him if he knew. It would be exactly what Remus deserved. He was terrified of what he would do, how he could possibly survive it if Sirius didn't want him anymore. Now, seeing how much he was hurting, how much he was losing his grip, he was terrified of what Sirius would do, too. Sirius acted recklessly when he was in pain. He could get himself into real trouble.
He couldn't do that to him just for the sake of alleviating his own guilt. It wouldn't be fair.
Sirius didn't come to bed that night.
When Remus woke up after his fitful sleep, it was early. The smell of bacon and eggs wafted in even through the closed door.
When he came out, he found the table set with coffee and breakfast. Sirius looked over at him from the kitchen where he was plating the bacon, the final touch on the generous morning spread.
"Good morning," Sirius said apprehensively.
"You too," said Remus tiredly as he sat at the table, reaching for the coffee.
"Please enjoy my apology breakfast that I won't be eating because I'm hungover as fuck and the smell is making me nauseous," Sirius joked awkwardly.
"You don't need to apologize. I get it, it's fine."
"I was a mess. I didn't mean any of it. You shouldn't have had to come home to that," he said regretfully.
"It only seems fair, after all the states you've found me in."
Sirius sat down, placing the bacon on the table and pushing it in Remus' direction. Remus did not take any, continuing to sip at his coffee. Sirius looked at him incredulously.
"I don't understand. You were furious. I fucked up, you had every right to be furious. If you'd gone behind my back like I did to you, I'd be livid. Why are you acting like nothing's wrong?"
"Because I'm over it," he said steadily. "Because I love you." Because I've fucked up so much worse than you could imagine.
Sirius looked very much as if he didn't believe Remus, but he dropped it anyway. He grabbed his own cup of coffee but kept looking at Remus over the rim as he sipped.
"So how did it go then? Are you," he cleared his throat, "did you get through it okay?"
"Yeah, still clean and sober. I really can't talk about any of it, though," said Remus apologetically.
"Come on, you're really sticking to that? Is that really what you want?" asked Sirius, a look of hurt etched into his features.
"Of course it's not what I want. But it is what's happening. I'm sorry, really, I am."
"So you're not going to tell me when I can next expect you to vanish of the face of the earth, then?"
Remus just looked at him imploringly. He didn't deserve Sirius' understanding. Sirius sighed.
"Fine. Well, I'll tell you that I have to go away, anyway. I leave in two days. Great timing, huh? At this rate we're barely even living together. I'm going to miss Harry's birthday, but I got him a gift that you can take for me."
"Alright," said Remus. A beat. "I missed you, you know."
Sirius smiled genuinely at that. He stood up and leaned over the table, kissing Remus before sitting back down.
"Me too. I have to go to work, but I'll see you tonight," he said with a wink. "All this time apart, we're practically virgins again. We'll have to do something about that."
Remus laughed lightly in a way that he hoped sounded sincere. Sirius headed for the door.
"I love you," said Remus.
Sirius turned around, giving him a funny look, like he was talking nonsense. "I know. You keep saying." Remus just shrugged at him. Sirius shook his head slightly, then turned back around and walked out the door.
Once he was gone, Remus pushed all the food away from him. He folded his arms on the table and buried his face in them. He stayed in that position for a while. How had he gotten to this point? Right. By being a piece of shit. That's how.
He stayed in that position a long time before getting up and heading over to visit Lily and James. They always worried when he was away and he really didn't think he could be alone without doing something self-destructive.
They were both still finishing up their own breakfast with Harry when he appeared in the fireplace. After the obligatory hugs and how are you's of the reunion he set himself up on the couch, laying on his back with his legs hanging over the arm. James and Lily took the armchairs while Harry waddled over and tugged at his sleeve.
"He wants to play," said James.
Remus smiled at him, pulling out his wand and pointing it in the direction of the wall. He muttered a spell under his breath and little image of a bird appeared on the wall. It tweeted musically and began flying around its two-dimensional space. Harry ran after it, grabbing at it, forgetting all about the adults in the room.
James and Lily smiled fondly at their son before turning back to Remus.
"So, been doing any drugs lately?" asked James like he was asking how the weather had been.
Remus grabbed a pillow and held it over his face, groaning loudly. Lily just rolled her eyes at her husband.
"Every single time I see you Prongs. Every fucking time. Can I not have a normal conversation?" asked Remus, removing the pillow from his face and chucking it at James, who batted it away midair.
"Hey! For the millionth time, cool it with the swearing! The kid is right there," said James indignantly, gesturing to Harry. "He's forming words now. Sort of."
"In that case, I'd rather his first sentence to me not be 'are you on drugs, Uncle Moony?' if you don't mind."
"Fair enough." A beat. "Are you though?"
"Leave him alone, James," said Lily sternly.
"Oh don't pretend you're not thinking it, like we haven't all been worrying the entire time he's been gone," said James, waving a hand at Lily dismissively.
"I haven't seen you for a month, Prongs, and I already need a break," said Remus, exasperated. "No, I'm fine. Not on anything. Haven't slipped up. You know, I think I preferred it when you thought addiction wasn't a real thing. You've become very overbearing, like the extra parent I never wanted."
"Just glad you're doing okay, Moony," said James cheerily.
Remus and Lily shared an affectionately frustrated glance. She reached over and squeezed his shoulder softly.
"Hey, so you both know Sirius is leaving for Order business soon, I assume?" They both nodded. "Mind if I stay here while he's away?" he asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.
Lily's expression turned to concern. "I thought it was getting easier," she said softly.
He huffed out a small, hollow laugh. "It is supposed to get easier, isn't it? I keep waiting for that part. I just… can't do that many nights in a row. Not right now."
Long nights by himself imagining all the ways Sirius might react when he told him about what he'd done. Wondering if he should even tell him or if he was too much of a selfish coward. He couldn't do it. He couldn't sit with that. Not sober.
"We are literally going crazy with boredom," said James. "Please, for the love of all that is good, feel free to stay and break up the monotony. I want to turn the basement into an obstacle course for Harry, but Lily thinks it's stupid and won't help me."
"It is stupid," said Remus.
"So you're in?"
"Of course."