Jay's POV
The past month has been an emotional roller coaster for Hailey and me, no doubt. After the fire, life began to feel like it had become more than I could handle. The blinders of uncertainty seemed to grow tighter and tighter around our world and I was beginning to suffocate. I was struggling and I was sinking; I was frustrated and I was scared. Then our worst fear came to pass – the abruption worsened and Hailey went into labor.
I still haven't fully wrapped my head around everything that happened in the last twelve hours. My brain is still playing catch-up. But despite the whirlwind in my head, this overwhelming sense of gratitude overrides all other emotions. So much could've gone wrong. I could've lost so much today, but only gained. As I look at my son this hits me so deeply that, believe me, I start to cry. I stand in front of his incubator with tears rolling from my eyes, thinking, everything is okay.
"You must be dad," a nurse says.
I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes with the sleeve. "Yes." I nod.
"You can reach inside and touch him if you want. See the holes on the side. Unlatch the panel and put your hand through there.
"You sure it's okay?" I ask.
"Of course. You want to gently lay your hand on him. Try not to pat or stroke. Too much stimulation will hurt, but the pressure will be comforting for him."
I slide my hand slowly through the circular openings, afraid to startle him. He is so small – the span of his shoulders and chest is about the size of my palm. I place my hand over his little legs and he twitches. Tiny features contract into a grimace.
"Oh no, did I hurt him?" I ask, snatching my hand away.
"No, it's okay. You're doing fine."
I place my hands over his little chest and he straightens both legs in a long stretch, before relaxing into a loose bundle. I think of all the times I held my hand over Hailey's belly, feeling his little feet kick and elbows thump. I touch his little hand and tiny fingers wrap around one of mine, squeezing strong and unequivocal. I feel myself smile, and it sits clumsily on my face – the first smile I haven't forced in the last twelve hours.
"Hey, bud…" I whisper. "You were supposed to cook for another two months. A smidge overeager, huh?" His little eyes blink open and stare in my general direction – as if recognizing the sound of my voice. "We've spoken before but not face-to-face like this." He eases the grip on my finger, only to tighten it again. "I'm your dad and I can't wait for you to meet your mom. She's amazing. You're going to love her."
I stand there with my hand gently over him. I hadn't believed I was capable of loving anymore more than I love Hailey, but this is a totally different kind of love – immediate and all-consuming. No getting-to-know-you required. I lose track of time watching him. I could have been minutes or hours or days, but I don't take my eyes off of him until a nurse gently taps my shoulder. "They have moved your wife to a patient room. You can see go see her now if you want."
"Oh, okay," I say and look down at the little fingers grasping my own. My heart is torn.
"Don't worry. We'll take good care of him."
I nod.
"You just hang in there, little man. I will be back as soon as I can."
I leave the NICU and head to the maternity ward. I enter Hailey's room and as I do I find a nurse there taking her vitals. "She'll waver in conscious for a little while, but she is doing great," she tells me. "If you have any questions, please, just ask anyone of us. We're here to help."
"Thank you," I murmur, moving past the bank of monitors to which Hailey is hooked up. I pull a chair alongside the bed and reach for her hand. I hold it carefully in both of mine, tracing my thumb along the edges of the surgical tape that holds the intravenous needle in place. I lean over and kiss her fingertips.
"Hailey, baby, I'm here," I whisper. "And you're okay. And our son's okay. He is pretty perfect. Oh, and the whole team is outside, every one of them. Your parents are here too. God, you did so good – I love you. I love you so much."
I close my eyes and squeeze her hand, and am startled when I feel a squeeze in return. I hear Hailey groan as her eyelids flutter slowly open.
"Hey, hey... How are you feeling?" Before she can form a word, tears begin streaming down her face.
"Our son? Is he okay?" she asks.
I lean down and kiss her. "He is good. I was just there. He's a peanut, but the doctor said he is doing really good." More tears flow down her cheeks. I kiss her again and a radiant, albeit tired smile spreads over her face.
"Did I hear you say that everyone's here?"
I nod. "Yes, the whole team, including your parents. Everyone has been so worried, which reminds me, I should probably give them an update."
"Jay…" Wiping at her eyes, she sniffles, "I want to see our son. When can I see him?"
"I'm not sure, I can ask a nurse," I say and she heaves in air, attempting to keep herself from crying although it doesn't work.
"Can you ask them?" she says. "Please."
"What? Now? You want me to ask them now?"
"Yes," she nods. "I need to see him."
"Okay, I can go ask them. I will also tell everyone you're both doing okay. I'm sure they are on pins and needles waiting to hear from me. In the meantime, get some rest. I will be back before you know it," I say and kiss her forehead. "I love you."
"love you too."
I ask the nurses if Hailey can see the baby tonight, but they quickly shoot me down. I update everyone in the waiting room and we celebrate together. It's nice to be happy and smiling again. Since visiting hours are nearly over, everyone leaves, but not before they make me promise to call them first thing tomorrow with updates. On my way back to the maternity floor I swing by the NICU just to get another quick update from the nurses and snap a few pictures for Hailey. She will be devastated when I tell her she can't see our son tonight, but maybe seeing a few pictures of him will ease her qualms.
I return quietly to the room, planning on not disturbing her if she is asleep, but I find her still awake. Her face is a mask of sadness and fear.
"I know I should, but I can't fall asleep," she says apologetically. "Did you ask the nurses? Can I see him?" she asks anxiously.
I shake my head. "Sorry, babe, not until tomorrow."
Hailey looks into my eyes, and I see it – I see her heartbreaking. She shakes her head, trying to come to terms with the fact she won't be holding her baby tonight. "D-Did you go see him? I need to know how he's doing?"
I fish my phone from my pocket and say, "I did go see him, and this time I took some pictures." Hailey snatches the phone from my hand. I watch her face contort slightly with a grimace, but then her features soften with a wide, genuine smile.
"He's beautiful." Her voice catches. She touches the screen and says, "I just want to hold him." Her words become tears and I begin to wonder how many tears a person can physically make in a single day.
I swallow the lump in my throat and try to sound normal. "You will. They just want you to rest a little." I embrace her carefully and she slumps into me. I kiss the top of her head. My heart breaks a million times for her and it'll break a million with every tear she sheds.
After her sobs subside I say, "They want to know if we picked a name for him yet."
Hailey dabs her eyes, trying to pull herself together. "We should name him after your mom…"
"You want to name our son Michelle?"
"No," she huffs a laugh and wipes her tears again.
"I thought Michael was off the table because of The Office. You said, and I quote, 'I will think of Dwight every time I have to yell, Michael!'"
"That's right," she nods. "Anyone that watched the show will agree with me."
I smile and shake my head. "Do you have a name in mind?"
"I was thinking… Milo. It's short and sweet and we can pair it with your mom's maiden name."
"Carter?" I say, heart completely overflowing. "Milo Carter Halstead," I repeat the name in my head and it rolls easily off my tongue. "It has a nice ring to it."
"I looked up the meaning. Milo means soldier. Considering everything, I think it's fitting."
I nod, tears unsuspectingly welling up in my eyes. "He is our little soldier, huh?"
"Yeah," she looks up at me with love in her eyes. "Just like his dad."
x
The nurse that had greeted me earlier returns, and is happy to see Hailey is awake, though her eyes are heavy and tired. "Good to see you up, Hailey," she says catching up on her chart. "I just saw your little boy and he is doing just fine. His color is good and his vitals are all right where we want them to be."
"I really want to see him."
"Assuming you get through the night well, we'll get you up there in the morning, I promise." She says. "You're heavily medicated right now and feeling no pain. That, unfortunately, won't be the case tomorrow, but we'll keep you as comfortable as possible."
Hailey's frustration is palpable. "Just a quick peek?" she insists.
The nurse smiles and pats Hailey's leg. "I will make sure the doctor sees you first thing tomorrow morning so she can clear you to go see your baby."
Hailey nods, relenting.
"In the meantime, your job is to rest," she adds. "I will be in to check on you in a few hours. If you start to feel any discomfort, press the call button and I'll right over."
Hailey nods.
"Get some rest now, hon."
And that's what we do. Squished together on the small bed, Hailey and I fall asleep.
Hailey's POV
I didn't sleep well. My mind is working overtime. I feel exhausted, weak, and still slightly medicated. I feel sort of empty, too. Milo was growing inside of me for so long, and it just isn't the same without him. I know I'm driving the nurses insane with my insistence on seeing him, but can you blame me? All they tell me is to be patient. Be patient! I don't care if I had just had surgery; I just want to see my son!
Finally, Dr. Asher comes to check up on me and gets right down to business. "How are you feeling?" she asks.
"Like I just had a baby." I'm grouchy and in pain.
"The first morning's the worst," she says. "Let's see how things look." Carefully peeling back the dressings, she checks on the incision site and gently palpates my stomach. It feels like she's thrusting a piece of hot iron against my skin and not her fingers. The pain is unbearable I cry out. Jay is immediately at my side.
"I'm sorry, Hailey, but I have to check for problems. I will have the nurses give you something that'll at least take the edge off."
"That would be great, thank you," I say through clenched teeth.
"I spoke to the neonatologist and the little man is doing great, all things considered," she says by way of preamble. "But that doesn't mean he is completely out of the woods – you need to be aware of that. Your son will need extra attention for a few weeks, but the doctor doesn't see him needing aggressive treatments. In the meantime, you are welcome and encouraged to go visit him."
"Can I go see him now?" I ask, ready to jump out of the bed (if I could). I even attempt to sit straighter despite the pain is causes.
"Yes, of course. Do you guys have any questions for me?"
Jay and look at each other, shaking out heads. "Not right now," he answers. "But we'll let you know."
She nods and looks pointedly at me. "Hailey, take it easy, okay? You just had major surgery."
I nod. "I will."
"Congratulations once again, and have a good day."
"You too," Jay says, then turns to me. "You ready to go?"
"I've never been so ready to do anything in my entire life," I answer.
Jay eases me into a wheelchair, sore and stitched up, hurting all over, and wheels me to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. We ring the bell outside the door and a loud voice comes over the speaker system, "Yes, may I help you?"
"It's Jay, Jay Halstead. We are here to see our son," he says, smiling from ear to ear.
The door buzzes, allowing Jay to open it. As we enter, we are instructed to don a protective covering that drapes over our entire body.
"This is just precautionary for anyone entering the NICU," the nurse informs us. "I'm Erica, by the way, one of the neonatal nurses in charge of your son's care."
"I'm Jay and this is Hailey," Jay introduces us.
"So, you're Will's brother, right?"
Jay nods. "Yes."
The nurse smiles. "He's been by a few times already."
I look at Jay and the corners of his mouth curl up into a big smile. Milo is so lucky to have Will as his uncle.
"Has the doctor already talk to you?" Erica asks and we nod. "Good. Let's go see the little guy."
After completely covering up, Jay pushes me over to an incubator on the opposite side of the room, past several individual curtains that enclose other incubators. Approaching, I recognize our son right away. He is lying on his back with only a diaper on. The diaper looks huge on his tiny body, adrift in a terrifying sea of tubes and monitors. His tiny face swims out of focus, and I realize tears have filled my eyes.
Erica probably notices the anxious expression etched on my face and quickly says, "Lots of wires, huh? I know this looks a bit daunting but they are just helping us track his vitals. The three leads on his belly and chest are keeping track of his heartbeat and breathing. The band on his little foot is a blood pressure cuff. As you can see, he is on breathing support, but I don't see him needing it for much longer." She offers me a kind smile.
"So, he's doing okay?" I ask.
"He is doing great. Vitals have been stable. The doctors did their morning rounds a couple of hours ago and didn't flag anything. Would you like to hold him, mom?"
Mom! I'm someone's mom. "Can I?" I ask, my heart jumping at the prospect. All I want is to hold him.
"Yes. I'm going to disconnect the tube from his nose for a second while I take him out, so his alarms will go off, but it is okay." Erica disconnects the tubes and gently picks him up, trailing a tangle of cords. She carefully and deftly tucks him underneath my hospital gown and reattaches the tube on his nose. "I know it's instinctive to want to stroke his hands or cheeks, but keep it to a minimum because his skin is still very sensitive to touch. Hold him like this with your hands cupped around him. It makes him feel safe."
I wrap my hands around his tiny body and look into his little face. This overwhelming feeling of love and joy comes over me. "Hi, sweet boy…" I kiss the top of his warm head and his scent fills my nose. It is a sweet, beautiful, intoxicating smell. I inhale deeply.
"Before I go," she says. "Does the little fella have a name yet?"
"He does," Jay says and looks at me with a proud smile on his face. "His name is Milo. Milo Carter Halstead."
"That's a beautiful name. I'll make a note of it on his chart." Erica smiles and adds, "If you need anything just press the call button here and I'll come right over."
"Thank you," Jay says and pulls up a chair next to me. "Hey, little man."
I stare at Milo's face, memorizing and then rememorizing every feature. He has a tiny nose and the most perfectly shaped lips. His little ears are perfect too. I pull his hat back and see just a bit of light-colored fuzz on top of his little head. It feels so good to finally have him in my arms, to hold him up to my cheek, to feel his warmth. Tears free fall down my cheeks.
"Isn't he perfect?" Jay says, cupping his little head.
"So perfect." My voice is shaky and I breathe deep, trying to control my emotions, but I'm ragged. Completely undone.
Jay cups my face between his hands and using his thumbs wipes away my tears. He leans down and places a soft kiss on my lips. "You are amazing. You did so good."
A small, watery chuckle escapes my lips. "We did good," I correct him. I don't know that I could have done any of it without him. Jay was my rock, the one steady thing through it all.
"I didn't do anything. I just watched you shine. From now on, you have dibs on the remote."
I chuckle and baby Milo twitches and squirms on my chest. "Sorry, bud, I'll keep my voice down, okay?"
Baby boy stretches his little arms out and Jay offers him his hand. Milo grabs it and wraps his tiny palm around dad's finger.
"Strong grip," Jay says and his eyes glaze over. "Still can't believe he is real."
"I know, right? I can't tell who he looks like, yet."
"Right now he looks like my granddad. All wrinkly, no teeth, little-to-no hair."
I chuckle, softly this time. "He does look like a little old man."
We stay in the NICU until I can no longer deal with the pain of being upright for so long. But I don't know what hurts more, the throbbing on my stomach or having to leave Milo behind. It feels completely unnatural to not have him with me. it's like part of my heart has migrated outside my body, and I'm helpless to keep it safe. I just hope he can grow big and strong quickly so we can take him home.
Thank you for reading! I very much appreciated your reviews on the last chapter. You guys know how to make a girl happy!
Did ya'll hear about Rojas leaving CPD? Sad to see her go, but now I have this awful feeling that she might not be the only one leaving. I haven't heard anything from the other cast members and I'm getting a bit nervous. Am I the only one overthinking this?
Anyways, I hope everyone is safe and healthy. Cheers, D.
ps. For those unfamiliar with the name Milo, it is pronounced "My-Low"