Please read the author's note towards the end of this chapter! I would really appreciate it if you do. :)
You have an instant message from Tris:
Tris: For the last time, yes.
Marlene: I cannot believe that he wants you to read his estranged mother's PERSONAL journal.
Tris: He thinks he cannot handle the pain.
Marlene: Do you have it?
Tris: I haven't opened it yet. I'm supposed to wait till I get back to Chicago.
Marlene: What could she possibly have wanted to tell Tobias?
Tris: I don't know. And I don't want to read it. It feels intrusive. Like I'm breaking the wall between who she pretended to be and who she really was. I don't think I want to know that.
Marlene: He called you to L.A. for this?
Tris: I didn't expect it. I thought he wanted me to watch Axl for a couple of days so he could relax and spend time with Nita.
Marlene: That's his second wife?
Tris: NO! Girlfriend.
Marlene: We hate her? Sorry, I'm catching up here. I'm out of touch with all your drama.
Tris: Ugh, she was our mutual childhood friend and he hooked up with her during our senior year. They were a mushy couple. It was unbearable to be around them.
Marlene: Mhm. Seems like a good enough reason to dislike her.
Tris: I'm not jealous.
Tris: Okay, I am. A little. Only because she eats up all our time together.
Tris: I don't know.
Tris: I'm in love with him. That's why I hate her.
Marlene: I've been telling you that since we met. Did you tell him this?
Tris: No. But I have an idea.
Marlene: Don't do anything stupid, Tris.
Tris: Just trust me. Okay?
Dear Tobias,
I'm not going to read your mother's personal journal. She left it for you. I'm pretty sure there are some things I wouldn't be able to understand because her diary entries were intended for you and only you. You have a beautiful life, Tobias. Absolutely nothing could destroy it.
You're stronger than anyone I know.
Be brave.
Love,
Tris
(I went for a jog around the neighbourhood. Be back soon!)
Dear Evelyn,
I did what you asked me to. I read every single diary entry including the scribbles in the margins. And…I don't know what to think or how to feel. Zeke advised me to write a letter to you; he claims it to be a cathartic experience. It's the same thing he did after his mom passed away a few years ago. She had a terrible bout of lung cancer. It helped him get closure. I guess that's what I'm looking for too.
I'm trying to sympathise with you and understand why you abandoned me. I've spent years of my life cooking up scenarios in my head where you take me away from that gruesome monster and we have a (utopian) happy ending. I've always thought it was too much to ask for. Maybe you didn't love me enough. So, I decided to let go of you in my mind and live my life as it was meant to be experienced. I thrived in college and then in residency. I didn't see it coming but becoming a doctor and a father changed my perspective towards you.
You became evil. As a resident, I delivered numerous babies. And every time I would see the mother of the new-born gloat with pride and immense happiness. They were thrilled to become parents. It makes me wonder if you ever felt that surge of happiness when I was born or anytime later. Did you ever love me? Or was I just a child-sized version of Marcus to you? It bothered me for a very long time. I questioned my ability to father my son. I doubted every single move I made. Both of you turned my mind against me. And it'll be difficult to forgive you for doing this to me.
I meant to visit you days before you passed away. I was seeking an answer to those troubling thoughts and perhaps an apology. I had zero expectations from either of you so I didn't come at all. Do I regret it? Absolutely. It's true when they say you never really know how much you loved someone until after they're gone. I missed my chance. I missed the possibility of having a true relationship with my only mother. Beatrice used to admire you as a kid and sometimes I think I forget how caring and wonderful you could be.
(I should apologize to you as well. For keeping your grandson away from you. He deserved to have a grandmother and you deserved to have a grandchild too. I slacked off on this opportunity as well, didn't I? I'll get better with time, I promise.)
It isn't easy to forgive someone who has done terrible things to you but it isn't impossible. And that's what I'm trying to do. Each day I replace a terrible memory with one I actually would want to cherish for the rest of my life. I'm moving on piece by piece. I wouldn't have done this if you didn't leave your diary with me. If you hadn't told me you would choose me over the life you lived without me, I wouldn't have decided to walk down this path of letting things go. As long as I can remember that you chose me over things you could've had, I'll choose you over and over again as my mother.
Your son,
Tobias (Johnson)
From: Tris
To: Tobias
Subject: Important! Read me!
I've been reading poetry lately. I have scoured through pages of old, battered books in the library, searching for an answer in the words scribbled by infuriated or betrayed or remorseful or sodden-with-love poets. My mind fumbled and tumbled over itself until I found the answer to a question I didn't know existed before.
Lord Tennyson said, "We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are, -
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."
This is what we are, Tobias. You and I. We may lack the strength of our golden days- the power; the thirst which moved earth and heaven closer together- but together still we are determined enough to sow the seeds of our longing and together we shall reap its yield too.
And I'll travel anywhere across the world just to be closer to you. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care anymore. You're a want, Tobias, my want.
My love feeds on your love, beloved.
From: Tobias
To: Tris
Subject: Re: Important! Read me!
I knew it. I knew you were going to do this. You've always wanted this, haven't you? I told Tobias you were going to destroy our relationship. And I was right. I mostly am.
If you think you can win his heart over by copy-pasting some sloppy, ancient poetry and attach other meaningless words to it, then you're wrong. All of that is bullcrap. He's not that easy and he's not yours. Stop this useless, wishful thinking that he will drop everything as soon as you say those three magical words back to him. That's not how the world works. He has responsibilities, work, a duty to save lives and to look after his family. A family you can never become a part of.
You don't love him, Tris. I do. And that is the truth. If you did, you would have said something ages ago when I wasn't in his life. You haven't been there for him the way I have. All you do is complain about your miserable life. The only reason why you came to visit him for the first time in several years is that you pissed him off and wanted to be forgiven. I can also tell why you wrote that awful, vomit-inducing email. It's because you're lonely, Tris. You're leaving your husband and have no one to fall back on. And Tobias was the only person near you. So, you decided to cling to him like a parasite.
He's over you. He's working on building a future with me and his son, Axl. Stop barging into our lives like this. You're not a welcomed guest anymore.
This is Nita, by the way, if you couldn't guess.
From: Tris
To: Tobias
Subject: Re: Important! Read me!
I'm not even going to question how you got into his private email and had the audacity to threaten me.
You can believe whatever you want about me- I'm lonely, pathetic, miserable- if it helps you sleep at night. But my love for Tobias is something I should have realised ages ago. I cannot believe I'm saying this but you're right, Nita. I should've said something before you slithered into his life like a venomous snake.
He's only staying with you because your dad is one of the best heart surgeons out there and he wants to learn as much as he can before he has to let you go. When he's done, you're gone. You're a temporary arrangement. You're nothing compared to me.
He might be over me but he was never in love with you. Not even when he first met you.
From: Tobias
To: Tris
Subject: Re: Important! Read me!
And you don't think I know that, Tris?
I know the reason why he stays, why he tolerates me and why he pretends to be infatuated with me. I have always known I am temporary. He doesn't even attempt to hide his adoration and love for you whenever you're around. I've seen him smile stupendously when he receives a text message from you. He gets excited like a puppy to call you. There is a noticeable lilt in his voice when he speaks to you. He has spent days stressing about what gift to get you, what to write in your card and how to surprise you. He's never done anything for me which is remotely close to what he has done for you. I've always gotten roses for my birthday, which unsurprisingly wilt in a couple of days.
He loves you more than he could ever love me. And I have known that since we were kids.
But I'm asking you, begging you to leave us alone for the first time, Tris. He has come around to accept me as a part of his life and his family. He apologised for being absent in our relationship and promised to cherish me as long as we're together. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. He's happy. He said we may even get married by the end of this year.
I know I cannot stop you. But please think about what this will do to all of us. I'll forever be grateful to you.
Please.
P.S. Don't tell him about this. I've already deleted all our emails.
From: Tris
To: Tobias
Subject: Re: Important! Read me!
Okay.
From: Tobias
To: Tris
Subject: Re: Important! Read me!
Thank you. Thank you so much for understanding.
You have an instant message from Christina:
Christina: I think you did the right thing.
Tris: I hope so. She sounded so…sad. I couldn't think of anything else to say or do.
Christina: Everyone deserves to be happy. And that's what you did for her. You're a good person, Beatrice. Never forget that.
Tris: Thank you. I just can't get over it, you know. I've let him go. Forever.
Christina: It'll get better soon. I promise. Anyway, how are you feeling? Everything alright? I know the divorce paperwork is an unbearable load.
Tris: Yeah, it is. At least Robert didn't go down the more complicated way of court proceedings and custody battle.
Christina: That is indeed a good thing. Remember Will's sister, Cara? She had to drag herself to court every morning for a month just to prove her capacity to raise her children in a safe and enriching environment. She had to go to therapy later.
Tris: Hm. Poor her. I've been thinking about this lately: What if Robert never loved or even liked Leah and was just pretending from the beginning? Is that why it was easy for him to give up his parental rights?
Christina: It's a question that only he could answer. Have you told Leah about this? I hope she isn't being too hard on herself. And the same goes for you too.
Tris: I've reached out to divorced parents and counsellors to learn how to make the going easy for Leah. They say the best thing for a young kid like her is to have a good support network and to be honest with her.
Christina: You should leave Leah with me for a couple of days. I'll plan a fun weekend for her. I'll make sure she has nothing but fun. I'm her aunt after all. You'll get to blow some steam off and get those lawyers off your back.
Tris: Sounds like an excellent idea.
Dear Uncle Toby,
Congratulations on your engagement!
Is this your second wedding? I thought you only get to marry someone you love once. And that usually is your best friend. Is Nita your best friend? I thought my mom was your only best friend. I guess adults have multiple best friends. Grown-ups are confusing. Mom says I've been watching too many movies. I disagree with her; I haven't watched enough.
Anyway, I am writing this to thank you for our wonderful trip to California. Axl is a cute baby brother. I don't say this very often because most babies are ugly. He's a little annoying when he asks very obvious questions but I guess younger brothers and sisters are born to irritate the older ones. But don't worry, I still love him very much and would definitely protect him from the bullies in your neighbourhood park.
I should tell you this but I saw you cry. You seemed stressed out and angry like when mom yells at Robert for doing something stupid. I would've given you a hug but Nita shooed me away. She said you were sad because your mother died and wanted to be left alone. I didn't know who your mother was but I bet she was a great grandmother to Axl just like my grandma. Mom says I should say I'm sorry because that's what you're supposed to say when someone dies. I don't see the sense in it but if it makes you feel better then…I don't really know what I'm saying. I hope you feel better that's all.
I wanted to ask you a question: Do you think best friends can date each other? The truth is I think I have a teeny tiny crush on Park, my best friend, but I'm afraid he'll misunderstand my feelings for him and act weird around me. I don't want to risk my friendship with him. You and mom are best friends, right? Did you ever feel that way towards her? Did you ever tell her if you did? I don't really know what to do Park though. What do you think I should do with Park? Tell him or not?
Anyway, thanks again and I hope you have a wonderful marriage with Nita. Send me a picture of both of you in Hawaii. And the pink bear is for Axl. I hope he likes it.
Love,
Leah
Dear Leah,
It's so nice to hear from you. Thank you for your good wishes for my marriage and Axl. I'm glad you enjoyed your impromptu trip in California even though I didn't really take you and your mom anywhere interesting. Next time I'll be a better host, I promise.
Let's begin with answering several questions you have about adults and their strange lives. Firstly, yes, adults can have more than one best friend and more than one wife or husband. From what I've learnt from the life I've lived is that it takes many tries to find The One to spend the rest of eternity with. And I'm pretty sure I made the right choice this time around. I'll be damned if I messed up again. I hope you find your one the first time.
Secondly, I appreciate you offering your condolences. I'm truly doing better now. I would've loved to hug you when you saw me sobbing but I needed to be alone for a while. And if I really think about it, then you're right, saying sorry really doesn't make any sense. People should work on inventing a new phrase. My mother would've been a wonderful grandmother to Axl. I don't doubt that at all.
Lastly, I think best friends do love each other platonically. Albeit It doesn't always have to translate into a committed relationship. You can be friends and still care for each other. Your mother and I have a different kind of friendship. It's a complicated thing to explain to you. Ask me when you're older and hopefully (fingers crossed) a bit wiser.
You should Park how you feel about him. If he truly appreciates you as a friend, he'll understand and accept your feelings towards him. He would never act weird around you. He's a good boy for as long as I've known him. Poke around and see if there's a chance he likes you back. And if he does, do not let this opportunity slide. This is coming from someone who should've taken his chance years ago when the timing was right. Do not let Park go if both of you deeply love and respect each other.
Thank you again for congratulating us! I agree with you; Axl is a cute baby. You were a cute baby too and still are. Younger siblings may be a tad bit annoying but I don't really know much about that topic. You should ask your mother. She'll definitely know the answer to that. Good to know you love him a lot and I would love to know the names of those horrible bullies even though I know you're not a snitch just like your mom.
Good luck for your final exams!
Lots of love,
Tobias
You have an instant message from Marlene:
Marlene: Guess who's preggers!?
A/N: Hello there! I'm back with another chapter as promised. There aren't a lot of chapters left after this one. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter. Leave me a review! It helps me know how you feel about this story and my writing. Constructive criticism is always appreciated.
I've been receiving complaints from a guest user that I've been dragging this story for quite a long time. I don't disagree but the purpose of this format of story-telling is to keep readers on edge and constantly wonder whether Four and Tris get together or not. I could've just as easily given them a happy ending after five chapters but that's not an interesting story. It's not the story I want to tell. Also, love is complicated and it's never straightforward. I apologize for stretching this story over three years but I hope you still keep up with it as the story's about to get over in a couple of chapters.
Don't forget to leave a review! Love hearing from you guys.
:)
- Divergentcake4four