Chapter 24
Cinna escorts me out to get ready for the ceremony tonight. I am greeted by my prep team, who show no caution when they hug me. The three of them gush over me and seem genuinely excited to see me again. I try to reciprocate their excitement but once again the best I can muster is a fake smile.
After I shower, we start the usual commotion to get me ready. The team starts babbling about how wonderful I was in the Games. However, I start to notice that they never bring up anything I did in the Games but rather how I looked. It's not how well I escaped the mutts it is, "You were so graceful when you were running!" It's not how I made it to the final two, it is "You looked so beautiful on top of the mountain!" And there is definitely no mention of me getting my shoulder dislocated or having my fingers cut off.
I am more than a little confused by this. I know the Capitol citizens adore good looking tributes but I never thought that would supersede the action in the arena. I wonder if this is what Effie meant about how popular I am in the Capitol. That I am 'everything they want a Victor to be'.
I shoot Cinna a look after one of them mentions yet again how lovely I was in the arena. He interjects that I will look great tonight, which successfully sidetracks the team into discussing how amazing this look is going to be.
The prep team adds the shimmer to my skin again and coats my hair in the gold dust. My hair is curled and pulled back from my face into a half updo with the rest tumbling down my back. The hair is decorated with white flowers and jewels, from strands of pearls to bright diamond stars. Cinna then weaves in my original white ribbon through the twist, making the ragged cloth blend in.
My outfit is an elegant white halter dress made of a thin material with a low back and a slit up the side. While my last gown emphasized my body and curves, this one hangs loosely in an effort to hide my scrawny, sickly body. The decadence is still there though, as the outfit has heaps of mini diamonds sewn into the fabric. I have matching diamond stockings that catch the light when my legs slip through the dress's slit. I literally sparkle from head to toe.
"You have transformed from bituminous coal into a diamond," Cinna jokes, resting his hands on my shoulders comfortingly.
I look at myself but I can't appreciate how nice I look now. All I can think of is that you can't make a diamond out of coal. Yet, it exemplifies all of this perfectly. All of this is a lie. I'm no diamond or champion. I just happened to survive a little longer than Foster.
Just like thinking about Rory earlier, thinking about Foster is a punch in the gut. In fact, it is not that different from the feeling I had when his knife dug into my side.
Stop it. Stop thinking about this.
Again, I force everything out of my mind until I can keep a level head. I don't know how I'm going to handle watching a recap of the Games tonight. I will just have to keep doing what I have been doing and force myself not to think about any of this.
I wait underneath the stage for the ceremony to begin. Effie is in her element instructing everyone where to go and what to do. I am a little impressed at how organized she is.
Haymitch stops by before he has to go upstairs. He and Peeta will be seated off to the side while Katniss will be introduced as my official mentor. Haymitch gives me a concerned look and says, "Hang in there, okay? It's just one more night."
I thank him as Effie spots him. She shrieks at him before grabbing his elbow to hurriedly shove him away. He rolls his eyes but lets himself be pulled away by her.
The evening begins right on schedule as Caesar opens the show. My team is introduced one by one, the applause getting more frenzied with each new person. By the time Katniss enters, the crowd is screaming.
I sigh and square my shoulders then wince as I remember how sensitive my shoulder still is. The discomfort temporarily distracts me and I am caught off guard as the platform I am standing on raises me up to the stage. For a moment, I am back in the Games, rising up to enter the arena. The stage lights shine into my eyes and it reminds me of the glow of the Cornucopia on the plateau. This all hits at the worst moment and I am standing there, shell-shocked, in front of a screaming crowd chanting my name.
I inhale deeply to steady myself and force my feet forward and get away from the platform. I keep myself moving and I walk to Caesar. His greeting is drowned out by the crowd so he gestures for us to sit while they settle down. I catch a glimpse of myself on the monitor and again see the unreal, ethereal girl that looks so much like me yet not like me at all. I only recognize myself because I have my hands clasped in their usual position in my lap. I can just discern the flesh-colored splint still wrapped on my wrist.
"So," Caesar smiles knowingly at me, "Margaret."
I force myself to grin and play along. "Please, Caesar. Call me Madge."
Caesar chortles as the audience cheers in recognition.
Luckily, the interview is not too long. It is mostly Caesar just pointing out how beautiful I look and how incredible I was in the Games. It is easy to blush and smile and say nice, bland things in response. The only difficult part is when Caesar talks about that "lovely song" I sang and I have to force myself not to think of Rory singing along with me.
The recap is unbearable. Three horrible hours spent watching the worst weeks of my life. The first part, spent on the pregame week, is awful enough but I am not prepared for when the Games start.
Everything flashes by. I meet up with Rory and join the alliance. I talk with Foster as we keep watch. We dance, laughing together.
Random details are filled in in the worst way possible. The girls from District 3 and District 9 died on the same day because they were in an alliance. The Careers corner them. Gusto slices up one of their faces and again I flash back to that moment when he had me pinned on the ground, tracing his knife along my face.
It turns out Truss had lied and the boy from District 4 was not tracking him. Quite the opposite, I see. Truss spots him, spends a day following him, waits until he falls asleep and then stabs him in with his spear-the same spear he killed Rory with.
The avalanche surprises us and crushes Paisley. Watching Heather kill her feels worse than watching it in person did since the camera cuts to multiple angles to show the death in detail. We face off against the Careers and I watch Heather distract us from Sprig as he dies off to the side.
I dig my nails into my palms. Here we go.
Heather betrays us and I shrink into the seat as I see in detail just how Truss cornered and murdered Rory before stepping back in the hopes of catching me. What a coward.
They play my speech to Foster, where I resolve to win the Games. The crowd cheers but I cannot even react anymore.
The scene continues after I leave. Foster watches me go, then kneels next to Rory. He lays his hand on Rory's forehead and says, "I'm sorry, kid." He looks back to where I left and whispers to Rory, "Don't worry, okay? I'm gonna take care of her."
Well, that is disturbing in hindsight. His knife came very close to taking care of me, after all.
They play my confrontation with Gusto in full. The cameras highlight all the details that slipped by me in the moment and I have to see Gusto's face in a close-up that lasts way too long. Mercifully, all that is left is watching Foster fight Heather before the end. Foster looks mortified as he bashes her head in. I expect to feel some pleasure watching Heather die, but all I feel is apathy.
Then he and I are on top of the mountain, facing off by the Cornucopia. I stab him and my long hunting knife slashes him right through his gut. It is messy and horrible and me pulling the knife out only makes it worse.
Then Foster stabs me with his knife. It is clean and barely burrowed in my side.
My mouth drops at the ongoing clip. It all becomes so clear. Foster never intended to kill me. Injure me, yes, but he had to cover his tracks. He told Rory he would take care of me and he had meant that sincerely.
What have I done?
The recap cuts back to a shot of me before when I was waiting for him to arrive. I am standing tall, looking out over the plateau. I had recently washed up so I appear clean with my hair down and blowing in the wind. The editing makes it look like this was the moment when I won the Games rather than me bleeding out on the ground while clinging to a corpse's hand. The audience eats it up, stamping and hollering in joy. Again, this is all a lie. I am not a diamond, I am just a dull piece of black coal.
No, I'm worse than that. I'm a murderer.
I feel sick to my stomach. My eyes fill with the tears I had been holding back.
No, I tell myself, No, stop thinking about this.
I force the thoughts of Foster away. I focus on my hands in my lap, on the ornate armrests of the chair, on Caesar's bejeweled shoes, on anything I can. Then, slowly, I feel a calmness come over me. It reminds me of that emptiness I felt staring down at Gusto's body. It reminds me of that cold feeling I had when Rory died. It reminds me of that tingling, numbing sensation I felt from the pain medication in the arena.
The recap ends and Caesar is turning to look at me.
"So Madge," Caesar says, "How do you feel right now?"
Then I smile. To Caesar's clear surprise, I'm laughing.
"To be perfectly honest, Caesar, I don't feel anything at all right now."