24 Spring, Year 3

The Flower Dance

This spring has been less busy than the previous two.

I like to plant a bit of each crop that's available in a season, because if I have them lying around, that forces me to use them – varied diet, yadda yadda. But the money I get from the animals' products allows me to plant less than normal with no huge loss, which means that I have more time left over after tending to my crops, which I prefer to spend hanging out around the town. I visit the saloon more often, and I'm not as much of a cheapskate anymore because I feel a bit more comfortable about having money to spend. If anyone posts a note on the 'help wanted' board asking for something I can get, I take it to them, have a chat, have a good time. Even Shane has ended up liking me, and I can talk about books with Penny for hours. She's borrowed me a few of hers, which I read sitting in the park when the weather's good. Harvey likes to take walks in the park after hours so this also gives me an opportunity to spend time with him.

Speaking of Harvey... well, I never expected to end up saying this, but it's... complicated? I don't even know. That's really what's going on. I don't know.

First off, I still have no idea how the people here would react to the news that either of us is gay, let alone immediately hear that we're together. I'm not actually sure that we are.

When we meet in the park, we greet each other. He asks about the book I'm reading, I ask about his life – though he never has much to tell, as he can't talk about his patients and he doesn't have a lot else going on. Every now and then he mentions making contact with another pilot, or something about his model airplanes. One time we've sat side by side on a bench, me reading a book of Penny's and him a magazine about airplanes – I didn't even know that existed. How much can you keep on publishing in a bimonthly magazine about planes? He's told me. Animatedly.

I go visit him in the clinic every now and then. We don't really have talks so much as we have silences, up in his apartment above the clinic. It's amazing.

I've invited him to come over to the farm too, but he always declines. Because he has to get up early for work, and I even earlier. Because he'd be in the way of me working. I've invited him for dinner. He still had a fridge full of food he had to finish.

I had my yearly checkup, my pulse was high again, he just assumed it was about being in a hospital again and I didn't correct him.

I think what's going on at this point is that we're both afraid of other people knowing. I've been thinking about that, too – what he's told me about his family, and why he moved as far as possible away from them. They're not easy to live with. He's had trouble – conflicts, differences in opinion. He doesn't like to talk about them. I can't help but wonder if they rejected him.

I can't understand why he would tell me he's gay, and touch my cheek like he did, if he wasn't actually planning to... well, be with me. Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe that was just a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing and he's regretting it. Or maybe he's afraid of taking a next step.

Myself, I can hardly go a night without dreaming about all the next steps we could take. But I can't force anything. I can only try to let him know that I want to.

That's what I'm planning to do today.

I pull my clothes straight. They're new and more geared toward party than casual – my mother forced me to get them because all my clothes were years old and 'threadbare'. I tried to make her understand that it's no use putting on new, clean, good-looking clothes when I clean a chicken coop twice a week and trudge through cow dung about twice a day, but mothers will be mothers, I guess. Maybe I should thank her after all.

At nine, I force myself to sit on the bed and not move. The get-together connected to the dance officially starts at nine, but the dancing itself isn't until 11 or half past, depending on how the mayor likes the party. By half past nine, I'm thinking I should've gotten up later, but I was wide awake before my alarm went off. I try to stop myself from thinking I should bring something – like, what? Flowers? Coffee, his great love? There's gonna be food and drink there, that would be ridiculous. Besides, what am I, some kind of teenager?

At ten o'clock sharp, I get up and force myself to walk slowly, over the path between the beanstalks and the growing cauliflowers, over the bridge to the maple island, over the island of the animals trying my hardest to avoid stepping into any dung or having any part of my clothes munched on by a goat, and leave the farm. I walk slowly through the forest, breathing the fresh air in deep, taking in every detail around me, trying to take my time.

Finally I cross the little plank bridge to the side of the forest that's normally inaccessible – something along the lines of a nature reserve or a natural park but not entirely, or maybe the mayor believes that a party of just one day won't disturb the wildlife excessively. I did go to the flower dance last year, standing by the sidelines and eating the food, but I wasn't interested in playing an active part in it. I mean, technically, I provided most of the food already. Pierre has been spending a lot less on shipping since I came along.

The first thing I do after arriving is pick up a sandwich off a plate on a table near the entrance. I have barely been able to eat this morning. I really don't want to be acting like a smitten calf, it just... happens, I guess? Eating isn't a lot easier now, but at least I'm doing something, I've got something in my hands, I don't know. It makes me feel a little more secure. Because obviously I'm going to be able to hide behind a tiny triangle of bread. I say hello to Shane, make small talk with Abigail. Stand with Demetrius, Robin and Jodi for a while, mostly listening without contributing. Make my way over to where Maru, Penny and Harvey are like I'm doing it because they're just the closest to me now.

"Good morning," I greet.

"Hey, Evan. We were thinking you weren't coming. We were talking about it just now right when you walked in," Maru smiles.

"I nearly didn't. One of my goats is really attached to me. Can't stand the idea of me dancing with someone else."

"You regularly dance with your goats, do you?"

"I know, those women, right? Where's the time you could just touch their udders on the daily without having to take them out for dinner first?"

"Ew, Evan." Maru pulls her nose up, but she's not really put off. It was a stupid joke and it was meant to be.

"So who are you dancing with today?" I ask the little group in general.

"Not you. Take me out to dinner first," Maru grins.

"Who says I want to dance with you? I have my eyes set on a better prize." I wiggle my eyebrows, deliberately not looking at Harvey. I'm not sure how well he can hide his worry, or how much of it he might be feeling, but I don't want him to think I'm worried about that.

"I imagine you want to dance with Haley," Penny comments. "Biggest prize on the meadow."

"You mean that girl that couldn't remember my name for over half a year after I arrived and who could only ever tell me how disgusted she was with my clothes until I gave her a muffin for her birthday? She's made it very clear she doesn't consider me a prize, and if that's how she thinks about me without ever having talked to me, I'm glad I dodged that bullet. I prefer to still be able to talk to my partner after fifty years."

"Wow, you really are thinking long-term. I thought city people didn't do 'until death do you part' anymore."

"My parents do. We don't like spending our days sitting around an empty house on our own either, you know."

"Do you want a large family?" Penny asks.

"Well. Large. I'd say the most important part is to find a person tolerant enough to want to be with me. Children can be discussed. For me personally they're not necessary, but a relationship consists of two people who each have their own life goals, right?"

"I do think you'd be a good parent."

"Also, it must be awesome growing up on a farm," Maru adds.

"You just like the idea because you could eat all the strawberries," I chuckle.

"Oh, don't worry about me, farm boy. I'm growing them myself."

"Hey, really? Did that finally work out?"

"Yeah, and very stupid, too. I tried to grow them in a few pots out back last year and just left them there over the winter. Two weeks ago, I'm tinkering in the garden, for the sunlight, and I find that plants have sprouted in two of the pots. I thought it had to be something else, but I was curious what they would be, and then I looked up the leaf shape in this book of my dad's, and it's strawberries."

"That makes sense. If we weren't here, the fruits would fall to the ground and stay there all winter. I guess they need a period of cold. Like grapes."

"Yeah, it does, doesn't it."

"But now we still don't know who Evan wants to dance with," Penny remembers. I'm kind of hoping she isn't getting her hopes up now – she does fit the requirement of having a good brain.

"You haven't told me yours, either."

"I'm dancing with Sam like last year," Penny tells me.

"I danced with Harvey last year, but he hasn't asked me yet for now," Maru says at a joking tone. She wouldn't mind not dancing anyway, I know.

"And you're not a strong emancipated woman who goes up to a guy and asks herself?"

"If I cared about the dance at all, maybe," she laughs.

"Well, in that case, I might as well save the both of you the trouble. Harvey, would you like to dance?"

Both girls are stunned, but I can see, now that I'm finally looking at him, that Harvey has seen me coming from a mile away.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea. Do you know the steps? They're quite complicated."

"I do. Leah taught me."

"You've secretly been practicing with Leah? Man, you were really into this dance," Maru laughs.

"If Leah taught you, I assume she taught you the men's part. I don't know the women's."

"I had her teach me both."

"Look out, Harvey, I think he's in love with you," Penny jokes along. She doesn't often do it, but she has a bright laugh.

"I'd almost believe it. I've never thought he liked being the laughingstock of the whole town."

"What are you saying, Harvey," Maru protests.

"We wouldn't laugh at that. It's fun. Different," Penny adds.

"Yeah. This dance is always the same anyway."

"Ladies, ladies. Easy. Everybody knows you don't pressure someone into dancing with you. If Harvey doesn't want to dance... I'll just wait until next year."

"You aren't even going to ask anyone else, are you?"

"Why isn't anyone asking me? Do you want to see me dance?"

"Yeah I do. If you learned the girl's part, I wanna see that."

"Do you know the men's part? We could just switch."

"Only if you put on the dress."

"Dress? What dress? I don't fit in that dress," I laugh. "Look at this." I flex my bixeps. "Your dress can't handle me."

I end up dancing with Maru – positions swapped, and nobody wearing the dress – and we have fun, but something is kind of squeezed up in my chest. Harvey is not dancing at all, now. Emily is standing at the side of the field, but I don't consider it unlikely that those two aren't personally acquainted enough for either of them to want to dance with the other.

I shouldn't make any assumptions, I know. But not knowing when there's so many possibilities is kind of hard. Still, I act like everything's normal and so does Harvey. Everybody goes home. I hug my pillow.

Sometimes I wish I could make everyone disappear. Everyone but me and the person or people I want around. Throw in others, and suddenly everything gets complicated because of what they might think.

I've lived on this farm for too long.