now. If she has to bear it a minute more, she thinks she'll fucking explode!
She needs to calm down. Right now. Even if she's heartbroken- even if she's pissed... if she shows weakness to these people, that's vulnerability. And if she lets her parents get on her ass right now - lets them ask 'why the hell are you crying?' in those voices filled with chagrin, then she's only letting Yanagisawa hurt her further. She cannot - she will not let the way he's taken her heart and shredded it into a million fucking pieces hurt her an ounce more.
She takes a sharp turn towards a local department store and heads inside, keeping her head low to the ground. She marches towards the bathroom, shutting and locking herself inside… before staring up at the mirror and meeting her own gaze.
'Stop it,' she thinks, staring at her reddened eyes . 'Don't you get it!? Even if you stop crying now, you're going to look like you got hit by a bus when you get home! What will your parents think!? Get yourself together! Splash some water on your face! Get over it! It doesn't matter, okay!? This is what you get for trusting them!'
'...This is what you get for being a naive, directionless, and gullible bitch.'
She shakes her head, but doesn't move to splash water in her face. In fact… she doesn't even turn on the faucet. She just stands there… staring at herself… and wonders why this suddenly feels so hard.
She's been good at hiding it all her life, hasn't she? When she's upset… when she's angry. She's never had issues making herself stop crying before now. And so why? Why all of a sudden can't she just turn it off?
( 'You know why,' that little voice inside of her head says. 'They gave you a taste of freedom, and it was a lie. Of course it hurts to go back')
They'd just… they'd just… made her feel so safe…-
The way Makoto would smile at her when they first met up at the school every morning… Kiyoshi's reassuring, all-too-certain words… the way Makoto'd picked her up and spun her in circles, laughing at the top of his lungs when she'd first told him the truth. It had felt… so like… so like a home… had it really all been a lie?
('Of course it had!' she hisses. 'Just remember the way that person treated you. Don't fall for it. You're not that stupid, are you?)
...Terrible people are plenty capable of pretending to be better than they really are.
She still remembers the first time she met him... all those years ago. It had been on the college campus. It was her fourth and final year in education, and she was making good progress… at least… for the most part. The school year had just begun and she'd taken a wrong turn, only to end up stumbling into the wrong classroom. Panic had overtaken her as she realized she might be late to her first class of the semester and end up making a bad impression. She'd rushed out of there, books in hand as she desperately tried to find the right place, only to end up falling on her ass.
That's when she'd heard a laugh. She'd whipped around- almost offended as she scrambled to grab her things, only to be met with sight of another student. A strange-looking man… definitely a few years older than her… maybe working on some sort of master's degree? (She couldn't tell. He had to be at least early thirties, though.) He was staring down at her with a curious eye, but made no motion to help her grab her things.
She hadn't complained. She just wasn't that sort of person. Instead, she'd finished scooping up her books and stumbled to her feet, asking him if he knew where class 413 was.
He'd scoffed, hands still in his pockets as he exclaimed "Of course. It's just by the west wing. You don't know that?" He'd squinted. "Are you new here?"
"A-ah- no," she'd replied, eyes flitting towards the ground. "I'm - uh - in my fourth year. I'm just a bit of a klutz."
"I can see that…" the man had commented. "I'm curious… what are you majoring in? I feel like I've seen you around somewhere before… but I just can't place my finger on it."
"Uh- education!" she'd clapped her hands together excitedly. "I wanna be a teacher! I start my internship next year!"
"I see," the man had said, eyebrows furrowed. "I must have been mistaken, then… unless…-" he paused. "Have I gotten your name, actually?"
"Uh- Aguri! Aguri Yukimura. You probably haven't-"
"I have, actually."
Now that'd given her pause. "You have?"
"Believe it or not, when I'm not participating in this institution I'm already employed in my field of expertise. I-"
"Without a degree?"
She'd seen something flicker behind his eyes back then, but she hadn't recognized it as annoyance… not at the time. "Don't interrupt me, will you?" he'd asked, arms crossed. "Yes, without a Masters' degree. I've long since already obtained my Bachelors." He'd paused. "Besides, I've been told I'm somewhat of a prodigy."
"...Wait. Really? That's awesome! But what does this have to do with me again?"
"I was actually just getting to that. I've become a rather major figure at my place of work… Yukimura Pharmaceuticals. I'm a close affiliate with the CEO there. Tomohiro Yukimura?"
"Oh! That's my father! Yeah!"
"Thought so. He's mentioned you once or twice. Although I never expected to run into you here."
"H-hey!? What's that supposed to mean!? Has he really never mentioned we're going to the same college!?"
"I suppose he simply didn't think it noteworthy." He brought his hand to his chin, stroking it absentmindedly. "...That, or perhaps he's not proud of you."
It's only when her eyes went wide and she took a step back that'd he'd let out another bark of a laugh. He'd shaken his head, giving her a mischievous - almost malicious grin. "Joking, of course," he'd specified soon after, but she couldn't help but dwell on just how seriously he'd said that. Had… had he actually considered that as a possibility?
'No. Of course not,' she'd quickly told herself. It's rude to assume such things of a stranger!
"Well," she'd said with an awkward laugh. "I'm not that remarkable. My little sister's more of the superstar of the family. I'm just trying to find something I'm passionate about and get by."
"Something you're passionate about?" the man had asked. "You love teaching?"
"Ah! Yeah! It's what I've wanted to do pretty much all my life! I grew up tutoring my sister, and I found out I'm actually pretty good at it!"
"Interesting," the man had said, but hadn't commented further. In hindsight, it had felt more like an observation than a reply. "Well… you're certainly not what I expected Miss Yukimura, but I'll take that as a pleasant surprise. However, you should be on your way. If you're that invested in your future career, I'd hate for you to miss your class."
"A- ah! Right! Crap!" She'd said, whirling around. "I need to go! You said west wing, right?"
"Just past the stairs. Across campus. Keep heading west and you'll find it."
"T-thank you! And sorry if I wasted your time mister… mister-" she pauses. "Oh! Gosh! I never even asked for your name!"
"Yanagisawa. Yanagisawa Kotaro. Science major. Remember the name… because I'm going to change the world."
Admittedly, she thought it was a little bit of a ridiculous thing to say… but who was she to step on his confidence? "Okay, then!" she'd admitted with a laugh. "I'll remember the name! And good luck!"
She'd felt his eyes on the back of her neck the entire time she'd retreated, but quickly forgotten any feelings of unease as she arrived at the correct class.
After that, she started seeing him pretty regularly. They didn't share any classes, but they'd pass each other in the halls every now and then. Each time he'd make sure to stop by for a moment and have a quick chat. They were never anything too intense… if anything, he'd just seemed interested in her future career.
...That… and himself.
It had taken a little while to notice, but sooner rather than later she'd learned he had a strange habit of making every conversation topic eventually drift towards himself. She'd tried not to mind too much, however. Confidence was a trait to strive for, wasn't it? And when someone was as skilled as he was, she supposed they had earned the right to brag.
Besides, he seemed nice enough. She got to learn about him… how he majored in pharmaceuticals and minored in 'more fruitless endeavors.' (Something about illusions? She hadn't entirely gotten it, but at the very least he'd seemed well-read on the topic.) She noted his behaviors… his little (unnerving?) quirks and the way he'd storm out of college on some days, screaming at the top of his lungs.
"How… how can he get away with that?" she'd whispered to another student. She hated to gossip, but… "It seems like he should have gotten a stern talking to- or at least some kind of councilors appointment by now."
"Haven't you heard?" An onlooker had butted in, keeping his voice low. "He's - like - a household name. One of the highest-scoring students in the country. They can't kick him out… if they did their reputation would sink. "
"Besides," the original student she'd pulled aside had commented. "It's college. Who doesn't want to behave like that most days?"
"I suppose…" she'd relented, wholly aware of the fact that she'd been in college for four years now and had never wanted to throw a book at anyone's fucking head.
Outbursts aside, she'd have considered them… if not awkward friends, friendly acquaintances, at the very least.
...That's when he bought her.
Fucking. Bought her. Not wooed her... not asked her out... Bought her. In the good lord's year of 2013, he blackmailed her father and bought her. Even thinking about it now it makes Fumiko quiver with anger.
It had been so rotten… so vile… so violating. This person she'd hardly known - considered a barebones acquaintance at best demanded she dedicate the rest of her life to him. And on what!? Some sick whim!? What sort of needy, violating pervert does that!?
...Of course, that's not how he described it. He hadn't 'bought her…' he was just 'taking pity on her.' She needed him, after all, didn't she? 'Teaching doesn't pay much, you know. You're gonna need someone to take care of you.' 'I didn't force your father to do anything… this was his decision, really. He was simply rewarding me for all my hard work… don't you think I deserve something good after all I've been through?'
And to think… she'd thought he was nice! Charming, even! In another world bumping into him could have been the start of a beautiful friendship! But no. They couldn't have that. He. Fucking. Bought her. He violated her trust - her privacy and he'd decided he needed to own her.
(He's watching her closely as he speaks… eyebrows creased and fingers steepled. Somewhere a lot less long ago Kiyoshi cries into his hands... curled up on his bed as he makes her promise she's never going to leave him.
"Of course not," she'd replied. "Why would I ever do that?"
...Those words still feel heavy on her tongue… a promise he knew she couldn't keep. He really hasn't changed a bit.)
Of course… that's not how Aguri had seen it, either. Even stressed… even confused… she'd tried to put faith in his words. Maybe he really did mean that… that he thought he was doing what was best for her! Maybe… they didn't need to be enemies. She could have sympathy for him… or at the very least… she could try!
"Who cares if I'm not attracted to him?" she'd asked, prepping herself in the mirror. "I - uh… he's very smart! And besides! Maybe I don't need to be. Maybe… he's just lonely. Maybe he just wants a friend…"
...That hadn't been it either. Soon after their arranged proposal the illusion had fell apart entirely. No longer an intriguing, if troubled person… he became temperamental at best and violent at worst. It's funny… to think that he ever struck her as anything but.
For a guy who minored in magic tricks, she supposes it was only fitting for that kindness to have been nothing more than a sleight of hand.
She still saw it pop up now and again… but never towards her… that way he pulled the wool over others' eyes. Polite calls with businessmen and a professional, almost charismatic demeanor when he felt he had something to win. Yanagisawa knew he was rotten… bitter… ugly inside and out… he had to if he was well aware he had to hide it. That's… that's why…-
"...You're doing it again, aren't you?"
She stares at herself in the mirror… glares and snaps the faucet on. Running her hands through the cool water, her thoughts run wild.
(Kiyoshi makes her promise to never leave him, and gently consoles her when she weeps in his hallway. He tells her he believes in her, and he tells her they're family. 'We're always gonna need each other,' he reiterates so patiently… but suddenly something so violent - so manipulative - seems to lurk behind that innocent smile.
'I pitied you. You're the one who's benefiting from this, not me. You're depending on me.')
"I'm not going to fall for it," she growls, dabbing water on her wrists and trying to still her quivering hands. "I've seen who you are. I've seen what you can do. And I am never going to believe in you again. Because you know what, asshole? You think you're so foolproof - you think you're so innocent... but the only thing you've actually gotten any better at is acting."
She resents herself for not seeing through it sooner. She should have known better than to just trust strangers… especially with people like that out there… hiding under confident grins and kind smiles. Anything he says he is - kinder, smarter, sorry- she has no way to verify that. No reason to believe it! Not when… not when…-
...Not when she's already been burned before.
She wonders what he's going to do to her. He's not the sort of person to take these defeats lying down. He hates the word 'no.' He's going to want revenge. She's already confided so much in him… what if - how long until he uses those things against her?
And in an instant, it's hard to breathe. No - she doesn't want to - she can't think about it! Her hands drift down towards the edge of the sink and she clutches tight, knuckles going a ghostly white. She struggles for breath. No - she can't hyperventilate. Focus her thoughts- you can't cry right now!
'You've broken away, but what will that do!?' she thinks. 'That's not going to - that's not going to undo the things you told him! What if it just makes him angrier!? What if you've just gotten him to turn against you!?' Even if he's small-! Even if he can't lay a hand on her-! He still has a chokehold on her life! What if - what if he tells her parents about her plan to break away!?
She's spent the last three months formulating a plan… incessantly blabbering about it to anyone who'll listen! What if… what if he renders all that effort useless? What if he 'takes revenge!?' What if he ruins her future no matter what she does!?
He… he wouldn't do that… right? Kiyoshi… with the kind smile and the stutter as he speaks… he wouldn't send her back to her abusive family, right? Right?
(She remembers Yanagisawa's manic grin and feels a cramp in her stomach. Who is she kidding!? He'd - he'd do anything to make her suffer! It's all over!)
She… she needs to talk to someone. To Nagisa - or! Or to Akari! They'll know what to do… right? Then again... she remembers the disappointed look Makoto had stared at her with and starts to shake. What if… what if they take his side?
Nagisa - Akari! They believe in Kiyoshi! They've known him so much longer than they've known her! He's - he's got this mask of innocence! They've watched him grow up! Of course they won't turn against him! They'll tell her she's crazy! Just like Korosensei did! Even when she's panicked and scared out of her mind! No! No! They can't know! She can't take another goddamn betrayal!
...She's really in this alone…
Fine, then. It's not like she has any other option. She can't confide in her teacher… she can't risk losing her sister… and she is never again going to risk trusting her 'friends.' She'll do this on her own. And she'll be strong. Not scared - strong. She's not the same quivering coward she was sixteen years ago. Her enemies may have gotten better at acting, but she's gotten better at things too. This time she'll be prepared.
She won't be frightened… she won't be heartbroken… and she certainly won't hesitate. She's going to be what Aguri never got to be… she's going to be angry. And she's going to stand up for herself. And she is not going to let this man destroy her future a second time.
She tries her best to still her shaking hands… runs them under water and splashes it in her face. She counts down backwards from ten and dabs at her eyes with a wet rag. She remembers not that long ago it was Kiyoshi who taught her these techniques, and feels her heart in her throat… but quickly banishes it. Who cares what he taught her? That doesn't mean she can't use it. It just means… it just means… she's using his own tactics- his own hubris against him.
It takes five minutes just for her to look like she hasn't been hit by a bus. Her eyes are still a puffy red, but she figures there's not much more she can do at this point. She needs to get heading home. She just… has to… not start crying again the whole way there.
'You won't,' she reiterates. 'You're not going to sit around and cry about your problems. You are going to be proactive. They can't fucking hurt you.'
She sincerely doubts that as she peeks out of the bathroom and then the convenience store, legs shaking like goddamn leaves.
She still can't believe Makoto. When her mind isn't wandering back to Kiyoshi - it's to him. And somehow that feels even worse. She'd been so certain… so sure that Korosensei - that Makoto was her ally… and he'd abandoned her... for what!? Some guy he just started getting along with? He'd been her rock! He'd been Aguri's reason to live! He'd seen everything she went through, and he still had the audacity to take his enemy's side!?
(She remembers Korosensei ravaging the lab all those years ago… even as she begged him to just wait- to listen to her. Dozens had died… her among them. She supposes she really hadn't been enough for him after all)
Even up until now… she'd thought them birds of a feather… all each other had in the face of suffering. But it turns out… it turns out that was wrong. He's still as shitty as he's ever been. She supposes she's glad she figured that out sooner rather than later, at the very least.
(She almost hopes it'll backfire on him. That Kiyoshi will hurt him… but just as soon retracts the thought. No… no… she doesn't - even if he's abandoned her, she doesn't want to see him suffer! She just… she just…-
...Wishes he'd want the same for her.)
She quickly buries the aching feeling in her chest. No. Now's not the time to be heartbroken. She doesn't need him, and she certainly doesn't need to dedicate any thought to him. She needs to figure out what to do with herself first and foremost.
She's not given much time to sort it out. She arrives home before she knows it - breaths still heavy, but her eyes dried. She unlatches the door and steps inside, keeping her head low to the ground as she heads straight towards her room.
"How was school, Fumiko?" Mother calls in from the other room. "Did you behave yourself?"
"Of course, mother!" Fumiko chides in falsetto, pretending she didn't just sock a classmate in the face. "Things went wonderfully! I'm making excellent progress in my math scores! I can't wait to show you what I got on midterms!"
...BLEGH.
With that, she arrives upstairs and shuts the door behind her. She briefly considers locking it… but soon decides against it. There's no risking it. She can't be caught behaving abnormally… not when she's so close to freedom.
(Not when she's so close to losing it.)
She briefly considers texting Kiyoshi- warning him that if he dares to speak up about this she'll ruin his life in return - tell his parents or whatever… but she quickly shoots that idea down as well. She doesn't want to give him any ideas. Besides… she sincerely doubts Mr. 'I'm Going To Change The World' cares what Tadaomi and Irina Karasuma think about him anyways. All he cares about is himself.
She settles on blocking his number, before tossing her phone aside and staring up at the ceiling. Her fan's spinning in lazy circles. She can't help but note just how cold it feels… hands drifting up to cover her neck. But free of her scarf and free of any sadness, she doesn't give herself time to think about that, either.
Instead, she simply commits herself to loneliness… reminds herself of the feeling of palms wrapped 'round her throat… and slips into another, much worse time.
[2/11/2031 5:01 PM:] [Makoto] Where are you?
[2/11/2031 5:02 PM:] [Makoto] Kiyoshi!
[2/11/2031 5:02 PM:] [Makoto] Are you okay?
[2/11/2031 5:06 PM:] [Makoto] It's okay! You can talk to me!
[2/11/2031 5:07 PM:] [Makoto] It hurt my feelings too! But I'm sure she'll come around.
[2/11/2031 5:10 PM:] [Makoto] Fumiko would never hate you.
[2/11/2031 5:17 PM:] [Makoto] Please just message me back...
[2/11/2031 5:20 PM:] [Makoto] I'm worried about you.
[2/11/2031 5:25 PM:] [Makoto] You don't gotta talk if you don't want
[2/11/2031 5:26 PM:] [Makoto] Just say 'I'm okay.'
[2/11/2031 5:28 PM:] [Makoto] You are okay?
[2/11/2031 5:29 PM:] [Makoto] Right?
[2/11/2031 5:36 PM:] [Makoto] ...Kiyoshi?
[2/11/2031 5:45 PM:] [Makoto] Fumiko I think there's an emergency
[2/11/2031 5:45 PM:] [Fumiko] From 3401, the recipient you are sending to has chosen not to receive messages. Msg 2905
[2/11/2031 5:45 PM:] [Makoto] Fumiko unblock me, please!
[2/11/2031 5:45 PM:] [Fumiko] From 3401, the recipient you are sending to has chosen not to receive messages. Msg 2905
[2/11/2031 5:47 PM:] [Makoto] Kiyoshi's not responding to my texts!
[2/11/2031 5:47 PM:] [Fumiko] From 3401, the recipient you are sending to has chosen not to receive messages. Msg 2905
[2/11/2031 5:47 PM:] [Makoto] Fumiko!
Makoto's on the brink of complete and utter panic.
Things had seemed so fine just a few hours ago! What was Kiyoshi thinking!? And how had a few simple words been enough to tear this thing they had apart!? They'd… they'd been so close! Everything was perfect! But now…
...Now…-
Everything's falling apart.
No. Don't think about it like that. It's - it's not the end! Who cares if Fumiko has his number blocked and Kiyoshi won't message him back? They're in the middle of some pretty crazy stuff themselves. It doesn't mean- it doesn't mean that they hate him … or that… they're in danger…! It just means… that this is a bump in the road.
...That's right. That's all it is. There's nothing to worry about. Not yet.
He doesn't head home… and he doesn't intend to. By now his dad's used to him coming home during the evening, and something tells him even if he stays out a bit later than that he won't particularly notice or mind. The last thing he wants right now is to be in that environment.
He doesn't run towards Nagisa's place either, however. At first he'd been inclined to… surely Nagisa would know how to fix this! But then he'd reconsidered. It's not like… it's not like Nagisa would really get the whole situation. He'd just be mad that Makoto lied! And besides… he doesn't wanna risk making Nagisa hate Kiyoshi too. What if he gives up on him? Expels him from the school? That's the last thing Kiyoshi needs right now!
Why does… why does no-one else seem to see it? That he's… that he's good! He just had an… upsetting past! He doesn't want to hurt anyone…
Makoto takes a sharp turn into an alleyway. Whatever… it's been a while since he's traversed the city anyways. He'll just… explore. He doesn't gotta go home and he doesn't gotta go to Nagisa's… not when his eyes are all teary. He'll just look around. Who knows? If he's lucky, maybe he'll find another stray cat!
He ducks past a garbage bin and stares at his feet as he walks. His gaze flickers left, then right as he observes his surroundings. Nothing interesting… not yet.
He doesn't get why everyone's acting like he's been lying, anyways. He hasn't - he never once told Fumiko anything that was untrue! Kiyoshi is her friend, and he is safe to be around! He knows that! He's certain! He's…
...Remembering that thing she said to him… about how he hadn't known she was going to die back then, either. It had taken him by complete and utter surprise… and even now when he thinks about it he feels his stomach twist in knots.
He hadn't wanted to - Aguri dying was the last thing Korosensei wanted! It haunted him up until the moment he died and a little bit after! It had broken him… served as his inspiration for becoming a teacher… Fumiko implying that it was somehow his fault… that he somehow didn't care enough - it stings more than anything.
He'd cared. He'd cared so much. And he still cares! It's not like he wants Fumiko to suffer! He just- he knows she's behaving irrationally! They know Kiyoshi! They've seen his room… his dumb manga collection and the way he jolts every time the fire alarm goes off. He is the least dangerous guy Makoto knows. He wouldn't - he wouldn't put so much faith in this if he wasn't certain!
('Constant beratement,' Fumiko had claimed, tears in her eyes as she spoke. 'Abuse. Getting me murdered. And you're taking his side? After everything he did to us?'
'...I thought we were two birds of a feather.')
And he is certain! He's not going to take his word back on that! Kiyoshi had seemed so… so heartbroken… so terrified of himself confiding in Makoto! He's not going to turn his back on him and say 'you've been bad the whole time, actually!' Who cares about human experimentation!? Who cares about sharp words!? And… and who cares about the stuff he did to Fumiko!? He's a new guy now! He deserves a second chance!
(...Just like Makoto wants... just like Korosensei was lucky enough to earn.)
He's right! He's not going to change his mind about that. Fumiko… she's hurting. But hurt is temporary. Once she calms down… has the time to think things through… she'll get what he was saying! She'll think about Kiyoshi and all he's done for them and realize everything he said he was is the truth! That he really is the guy that he's 'pretending' to be! That… that Makoto's not 'taking sides.'
...That Korosensei would never abandon her.
Sure… he's a little upset with her… at least he thinks he is… but he doesn't want to give up on her. He just wants her to come to her senses… he just wants her to be his friend again. There's nothing really so wrong with that, is there?
('But thanks for reminding me that you still don't understand how your actions affect others,' she'd spat, in a voice that seemed to imply 'you really haven't changed that much at all.' And remembering the way she'd stared at him… Makoto wonders if the real monster she'd discovered today wasn't Kiyoshi, but rather her oldest friend.)
He's not… he's not a bad guy! Sure, he was - but… that doesn't mean he is anymore! Aguri was the one who convinced him of that! Surely… surely she should be able to extend the same kindness to Kiyoshi! She'd stood by her principals so staunchly! Don't tell him… don't tell him she's willing to give up on them now!
(Don't tell him she's taking back her 'you can do it,' too.)
No. He won't consider it. He won't. He takes another turn and heads further into the alleyway. There's some little antique shop back here… and next to it a grocery store that looks like it hasn't been visited in months. He loves the city. There's always some new thing to discover.
(...Always some dark underbelly to find.)
He's not a bad person, okay?
Sure, he hid things from Fumiko. And sure, she can call that lying if she really wants. He killed a lot of people a long time ago, and he thinks Kiyoshi Karasuma deserves a second chance. But none of that makes him bad! Even if… even if the rest of the world disagrees with him! He doesn't want to hurt anyone! He just wants to make sure everything's okay!
(...He just wants to make sure everything stays the same.)
Korosensei… Korosensei honestly grew up with a pretty bad life. But Makoto's life was… different. Sure, the beginning had been a bit rough, but things were good. It's… it's everything he ever wanted! Happiness, with the people he's always wanted to be surrounded by! He can't… he won't lose that now!
...He'll make sure everyone sees his perspective.
Not because - not because he's selfish! Because he's right! There is nothing selfish about thinking - about thinking that everyone deserves a second chance! Regardless of what they've done! After all… he was given a second chance… and it did wonders for him. And besides! Aguri believed in second chances! Just because she doesn't now… that doesn't mean that makes the old Aguri selfish, does it?
(...If anything, he thinks Fumiko is being a little selfish.)
There's still no signs of a wild cat, or even a wild dog. Gosh darn it. Why can't he just find something interesting out here? Something to get his mind off of all of this nonsense. If Fumiko will come around in due time, then there's no point in thinking about it. He has… he has better things to worry about.
A raindrop comes down and lands on his nose.
Okay… so that's not what he was hoping for, but he'll take it. He just hopes it doesn't start to shower. If it's a light drizzle he can hop around in puddles, but if it starts to pour he'll have to take shelter in a building.
For now he just peeks under an underhang and continues to prowl the city. For a rainy day it doesn't look particularly cloudy. If anything, in fact… the sky almost looks peaceful. Makoto thinks that's silly… for there to be such a nice sky on such a bad day. These sorts of sights should wait until they're friends again.
(' If we're friends again,' Makoto thinks, but shakes his head. No, they will be. And besides… it's not a bad day…
Just… a tough one.)
Kiyoshi's come a long way since then… that time Fumiko can't seem to get her mind off of. Thinking about the way he acted then and the way he acts now, Makoto can hardly even process them as the same person. Kiyoshi's kind… Kiyoshi's gentle. Kiyoshi crouched down on the grass and talked to Makoto softly until he finally felt safe. How could he hold something from so long ago against him? How can Fumiko? It's not like… it's not like Kiyoshi is evil.
...Maybe… he just needed a little love. Maybe that's all he wanted, even back then… family. Friends.
("I try…- I try so hard to support him, " Aguri had said, her head low to the ground. "I don't get what I'm not doing right… why does he still hate me?"
Reaper had squinted, thinking it over. He'd watched this woman pour her entire heart and soul into someone who clearly didn't give a shit about her.
"Well… I think sometimes no matter how much support you give someone, they might never change.")
Makoto sighs. If not love, then what? Reaper's right. Chalking it up to just kindness feels ingenious. Aguri had given him plenty of love. So why now? What changed? Is it the family…? The way he's been raised? The things he's learned or those he's been taught? Makoto supposes he doesn't know. Perhaps it's just the aftereffect of someone being reborn at all. After all… he and Fumiko are plenty different. Whatever it is that's changed him, it shouldn't matter much, however, should it? What matters is that he has changed.
...What matters is that he has become good.
("She deserves to know the truth," Kiyoshi had mused, walking home with him through the forest that day. "...What if… what if she doesn't feel safe around me?"
"What do you mean?" Makoto had replied. "Of course she'll feel safe around you! You're her friend, dude. You don't gotta share.)
...He wonders if he's good, too.
He quickly shakes the thought. Of course he's good! Just like… just like Kiyoshi is. And just like Korosensei was, too.
(Just like Reaper wasn't.)
He pulls his phone out and tries to send his friends a text again.
[2/11/2031 5:57 PM:] [Makoto] Hey.
[2/11/2031 5:57 PM:] [Makoto] I dunno if you're getting these, but you didn't mean that thing you said earlier, right?
[2/11/2031 5:58 PM:] [Makoto] About me… murdering you.
[2/11/2031 5:58 PM:] [Makoto] I didn't wanna hurt your feelings. I hope you know that.
[2/11/2031 5:58 PM:] [Makoto] You're still my best friend… and… I want whatever's best for you.
[2/11/2031 5:59 PM:] [Makoto] But I wasn't gonna let you become someone mean. I know that's not in your heart.
[2/11/2031 5:59 PM:] [Makoto] Love you. Hope you feel better soon.
…
[2/11/2031 5:59 PM:] [Fumiko] From 3401, the recipient you are sending to has chosen not to receive messages. Msg 2905
...He's not sure what he'd expected.
[2/11/2031 6:00 PM:] [Makoto] ...Uh… it's okay if you don't wanna talk right now.
[2/11/2031 6:00 PM:] [Makoto] And I'm sorry for spamming your phone
[2/11/2031 6:00 PM:] [Makoto] But please be okay, alright?
[2/11/2031 6:00 PM:] [Makoto] And… don't take what Fumiko said to heart
[2/11/2031 6:01 PM:] [Makoto] You're good. I know you are.
[2/11/2031 6:01 PM:] [Makoto] And no matter what happens, I'll always be here for you, alright?
[2/11/2031 6:02 PM:] [Makoto] ...Recyclables for life.
He doesn't get a response from Kiyoshi, either. He stands there… staring at his phone as the rain starts to come down harder, but doesn't even receive a notification his message has been read. He sighs and pockets his phone, but keeps his ears perked just in case he finally gets a call back.
...Silence.
Kiyoshi's starting to scare him. It's not like him to ignore his messages entirely. Did he lose his phone somewhere along the way? He hopes he hadn't dropped it when running away. He briefly considers paging Kiyoshi's home phone, but decides against it. He doesn't even know Kiyoshi's home in the first place. After all… he's not.
He wonders again if he should call Nagisa. If Kiyoshi's really in danger, then Nagisa should be able to fix it. He starts to overthink it too much however, and feels his stomach churn. What if Nagisa just makes it worse? What if he asks too many questions and gets to the bottom of things? What if Nagisa hates Kiyoshi? And what if… what if…?
What if Nagisa hates him?
(He's not being selfish. He's not!)
...He's sure Kiyoshi will be fine. Kiyoshi's strong. Kiyoshi's brave.
(And Makoto doesn't know what he'd do with himself if he wasn't. )
He's coming up towards the end of this alleyway by now. He ducks out from under the overhang and steps into the rain. It's ice cold, and splatters on his skin, but he tries not to mind much. About now he's ended up in a wing of the city he's not too familiar with. He quickly gets his bearings, however, as he spots a convenience store somewhere across the street. He decides to step inside… grab a slushie and some snacks, if only as an excuse to get out of the rain. He pays for it in cash of course, with money Nagisa and Co gave him for helping out around the house. Now that puts a smile on his face.
He remembers a time not so long ago when he'd just have snatched this shit. But now… he's better than that! That's proof he's improving too, isn't it?
('Killed me,' Fumiko growls, and the Reaper kills a thousand others.)
...Maybe there are some things paying for a slushie or teaching a group of kids just can't make up for.
He doesn't stay in the convenience store for long. There's a weird atmosphere in there, and besides… his thoughts are all out of wack. He supposes he should start heading home about now. He's not particularly fond of the idea, but it's clear the city has nothing to offer him today. And if exploring won't get his mind off of things, then surely taking a nap will.
...He's sure when he wakes up this will all feel like just a bad dream.
"I'm good," he repeats to himself under his breath, stepping out from inside the sliding glass doors. "We're good. Everything's gonna work out. And everything's gonna be okay."
...Even if Kiyoshi won't respond to him, and even if Kiyoshi's a monster. Even if Fumiko looked at him with those hateful eyes, and even if she's scared out of her mind right now. Even if he's a little afraid Nagisa might be mad at him, and even if he's a little afraid he did the wrong thing.
Because… it's okay to not know how things will turn out, isn't it? All he has to do is have faith they'll be alright.
...Korosensei seemed to have faith in that, at least. Even when he was uncertain… he always found the right thing to do at just the last moment. Because he was smart... and he was skillful... and most importantly, he was optimistic. Makoto just supposes he has to believe in that Korosensei... that he has to believe in that Makoto.
And that he might just have to believe in a pretty similar Aguri, too.
...But remembering each and every time he's screwed up, and knowing Korosensei never quite forgot them either… Makoto wonders if he really had been clueless sometimes. And even worse, he wonders if there are scenarios with no right solution after all.
"No," he repeats again and again. "I'm right. I have to be. Otherwise… I don't think things will ever be okay."
But right or not, Makoto still walks home alone in the rain.
Kiyoshi doesn't remember walking home, just that he'd had to.
It had hit him like an instinctive urge. 'Get out of here, now.' With tears running down his face and body shaking so hard he'd convulsed, he'd pulled himself to his feet and stared down at the forest like a deer caught in the headlights. He hadn't been able to make them out, but he'd heard Makoto and Fumiko screaming. And eyes wide… hands quivering… he'd whipped around and made a run for it.
'Out. Now.'
He couldn't bear to hear it a moment more. Their cold voices and the way they shrieked at each other. He couldn't sit there and wait… to meet Fumiko's relentless gaze or once again hear Makoto's empty words. 'You're good,' he'd say again, like a delusional madman. 'You're perfect. You're making up for it.' over and over again like a mantra. But Kiyoshi doesn't want to hear it! He can't a single time more!
Because he's not!
Whatever it is Makoto's convinced him - none of it is true. And now… the illusion's finally crumbled.
...Leaving Kiyoshi all alone, and running for his life.
Quite frankly it's a miracle that he makes it home at all. He's crying the whole way there, and suddenly it's difficult to even breathe. By the time he reaches his doorstep he's in hysterics, fumbling for his key and dropping it twice before he even manages to wrench the door open. He yanks himself inside and slams it behind him, jumping at the noise, before shaking his head and stifling a sob as he remembers it hardly even matters.
...It's not like anyone's home to hear it anyways.
Ignoring a twinge of irritation in his gut (Outrage- is it outrage at how he's been treated ?) he rushes towards his room. He can hear Taro barking down the halls, but he wants no part in it. He doesn't want to see Taro right now, okay!? Taro wouldn't get it! He'd just look at him with those same gentle, big black eyes that seem to say 'what is it? What's upsetting you so much? Let me try and fix it!' but there are some things you just can't fix, and he doesn't want to be around a single living thing right now.
Taro tries to beat him to it. He's waiting by Kiyoshi's doorway, head cocked sideways. But as Kiyoshi steps inside and he tries to follow, he's shoved aside and has the door slammed in his face.
"Now's not the time, okay, Taro!?" Kiyoshi shouts, sliding back against the doorway and collapsing to the ground. "I'm not in the mood!"
Taro scratches stubbornly, claws raking against the door. But Kiyoshi pounds his fist against it, screaming at the top of his lungs.
"Go away! I don't deserve to be around you! So… so leave me!"
Taro yelps, but that seems to shut him up. There's a gentle click of claws against the hardwood floor as he retreats. Kiyoshi almost feels bad… and far lonelier than before, but he reminds himself that it's before the best.
Because even if 'I don't deserve you' is what he says, 'I'm scared I'm going to hurt you' is quite frankly what he means.
He feels ready to fucking implode… hyperventilating and clutching at his head. But somewhere underneath that sheer panic he swears he feels anger… and that terrifies him. Why!? Why is there a sense of self-pity!? Unfairness!? Why is he still thinking about himself!? What on earth is wrong with him!?
Struggling for breath, he lowers his head to the ground.
If… if he hurt someone in a state like this… he doesn't think he'd ever forgive himself.
(Ha. What a sick fucking joke. Why doesn't he seem to get it!? He's already never going to forgive himself! He's already hurt people! And in far more morbid - far more brutal ways than he could ever possibly hurt the damn dog.)
...Fumiko had looked just so damn afraid of him.
She hadn't had the courtesy to hide it. She'd stared at him unabashedly with those terrified, indignant eyes… spoke the words she'd been keeping inside for so long, and told him "Fuck you." Again and again. "Fuck you. Fuck you. You've hurt me irreparably. And you are never going to fix that."
"You are never going to be good."
...Kiyoshi's eye aches.
He's never been in a fight before. He's not the type. He'd never realized just what a black eye feels like. It's surprisingly worse than he'd expected.
He wonders just what a face full of bruises feels like.
"Goddamn it," he whispers, sobbing incoherently. He claws at his carpet with hands so stiff they ache. "Goddamn it. Goddamn it. God- fucking-damn it!"
He can't blame her for hitting him. It's not like the way he'd hit her. After all… he'd been the one reaching out- and after a pattern of violence at that… but it still makes his heart ache. Self-defense… that's what it is she utilized. Had she really felt the need to defend herself from him!?
('Of course she had!' some part of him screams. 'Just look at you! You're a fucking monster!')
He… he wants to think he's safe… he wants to think he's good.
He wants to think… he'd been there for Fumiko. But that's not what she'd said. She'd said he'd hurt her… she said he lied to her. And so… if that's the truth… then why does it hurt just so damn much!? To be rejected by her!? To be seen as someone to fight back against!?
('You're not hurt. You're not. You don't get to be. Your feelings- they aren't valid. You not sad you lost a friend. You're frustrated your scapegoat finally learned to stand up for herself.')
No… no… he doesn't want to think about it like that.
He wants to be… he wants to be-
'No! You can't!' he thinks. 'Just accept that! You're bad! You're evil! That's all you'll ever be!?'
But then what's the goddamn point!?
He doesn't want to hurt people. He won't… at least… not intentionally. And so… if he can't be good… if he can't fix the things he's done… but he can't play the role of the monster either, then what's his purpose? Is he really here just to suffer!? Or is he just here to screw things up whether he wants to or not!?
He has made everything worse, hasn't he? In fact, there's no reason he's here! Everything that's happened this year… they could have done it without him! Fumiko and Makoto could have become friends on their own! They could have learned about their pasts! His classmates could have thrived, and no-one would have noticed his absence. His entire life he's been a figure in the background… unnoticeable at best and a nuisance at worst. There really is…
...There really is no reason he's alive.
It's a thought that makes his stomach do flips, but he pounds at his head. 'It's true, isn't it!?' After all, Fumiko and Makoto would still be friends if it weren't for him!
'Don't say that,' he begs. 'Don't say they're not friends.' But he remembers the way they'd screamed at each other, and he knows deep down that's not how friends talk to each other. Whatever it is they had… he's torn it apart… destroyed it like everything he's ever dared to touch… and now… soulmates-
Well… they're not so much soulmates anymore, are they?
('Isn't that what you wanted, Yanagisawa? You were jealous, weren't you? You should be glad they hate each other! After all, you resented their bond!')
Shit. Shit!
He's destroyed everything! And for what!? Because he was afraid!? Of what!? His mom dying!? Like this is going to help her! None of it matters! He's not going to save her life! She's either going to die, or she's going to wake up and he's still going to be this. Her family's still gonna suck, and everything will still be wrong. She'll be left to deal with his burdens!
...To think… he ruined the one good thing he ever had over sheer paranoia.
( 'You had to!' he tells himself. 'You were scared! Besides, you were going to have to say it eventually! Honesty matters, doesn't it?'
'NO!' Kiyoshi roars. 'Not if it feels like this!')
He stumbles to his feet and staggers over to the bed. Head spinning he tries to reassure himself... say 'it's not really over,' but he knows deep inside it is… and it rakes at him like hot coals. He collapses onto his mattress, screaming and pounding his fists on the blanket.
'Just listen to yourself!' he thinks. 'You're throwing another temper tantrum! You're the same! You're the same! Fumiko was right about you!'
'It just feels so bad!' he refutes. 'I'm allowed to feel bad, aren't I!?'
'No! Of course not! Never! You deserve whatever it is that comes to you!'
Burying his head in the covers, he pulls at his hair and lets out another ragged shriek.
And boy will it come for him. Fumiko… Makoto… someone… they're going to tell everyone. Shiota-sensei… Karma-san… even Auntie Kayano. And what then? This is just… this is just the tip of the iceberg. They're going to tell everyone…
(...What if they tell his parents?)
He wonders if they'll be afraid of him too, or if they'll just be angry. He couldn't particularly blame them, but all the same the concept puts a knot in his gut. He just… he just wanted them to be proud of him… but now they never will…
...Not after all he's done.
Creating Korosensei… attacking the E-Class… abusing Aguri! His dad will… his dad will never be willing to look him in the eye again once he learns he beat a helpless woman! And his mom - his already traumatized mom - she's going to wake up to this horrible thing… this horrible scenario… this horrible son!
As if… as if he hasn't made their lives miserable enough as is! As if he hasn't been a burden his entire goddamn life! Now this? No… no… nononono. He can't handle it!
(Korosensei was right! He really is never going to feel alive!)
...They're going to know everything. They're finally going to have an actual reason to resent him! They're going to see it… every mistake he's made! And they're going to loathe him… like he's always been so scared they would… all because they finally see what sort of pathetic creature he really is.
He needs to remember… now. Everything! If… if not to prepare himself for the fallout, then to punish himself. The experimentations… the beatings… the reckless violence... it's terrible! But surely it's not all! Surely it's not the full extent of his sins! What else lurks below the surface, just waiting to lunge at him!? What else will the rest of the world see when they look at him!?
The man who drowned the E-Class… the villain in their story. The brutal avenger and the one who cut their last moment with their teacher short. The man who hit Aguri… the murderer, who drove her to suicide, and built the damn trap she did it with! The surgeon, who strapped The Reaper down and never once let up until he'd become something unrecognizable… none of that's a harsh enough descriptor! It's just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it!?
He's the man who rushed towards Aguri's corpse… held it tight and wept. He's the man who felt no accountability! He's the man who started a witch hunt and got a hero killed! He's the man who felt rather like a corpse himself for two years straight, and he's the man who died alone… unloved… the man who knows all too well the sensation of beating someone senseless, and the man who remembers a rumble in his throat as he watched his prisoner vomit blood. He's the man who left a scared teenage boy alone to die and he's the man his friends and family have only discussed in whispers for the past fifteen years.
The one who fought with Aguri… strangled her until she was breathless, and still somehow told her she was lucky to have him. The one who preyed on Damien… had him attack innocent children… and the man who stood by - encouraged it even! - when Akari Yukimura - a grieving 14-year-old had implanted herself with tentacles.
...Akari… Akari-
Why even now does it feel like there's something he's forgetting?
(A burst of crimson, and his vision goes to red)
Of course…-!
HE'D KILLED HER!
How had… how had he managed to forget!? That was - that was the last piece of the puzzle he was forgetting! Auntie Kayano! The last remaining piece of the Yukimura legacy! He'd murdered her! He'd been so fucking certain of it! He'd laughed about it! Commented on her going out in the same damn fashion as her beloved sister! And so how… how? How is she still here today!?
No - what does that matter!? Whatever it is - whatever miracle that salvaged her - he so distinctly remembers commanding the beast to slaughter her… the gaping hole left in her chest. The wonderful adult she's managed to grow up into today… that's no thanks to him. In fact… he'd nearly destroyed that!
He thinks of a life without her and feels his heart spike into his throat… thinks of a life without his dumb family friend's jokes, and thinks about just how incomplete Nagisa's family would be without her… thinks about how he'd almost made that future a reality, and thinks about just how much Fumiko would loathe him now if she learned about that…
If she learned that he'd dared to place a hand on the one thing she'd treasured most!
He buries his face in his pillow and screams. It really is true - he destroys everything he touches… doesn't he? He remembers laughing at what he thought was the end of her life and wants to claw his damn eyes out! Shaking… shuddering… he drags himself up onto his knees and shrieks for dear life.
Why!? Why does he have to be this person!? Why does he have to be Yanagisawa!? Why does he have to be Kiyoshi! And why does he still have to be here at all!? He doesn't want to remember these things! He wants to be happy! He doesn't want to feel guilt! He wants to disappear! He wants to stop hurting people! He wants to… he wants to…-
He wants to just go away!
He grabs at his pillow and smacks it against his bedpost… takes his covers and casts them aside. Sobbing… weeping… he drags his nails across the wall and begs for something - anything - to make it let up… this pain he feels… complete and utter despair… hopelessness! Sheer self-loathing!
(A complete fear of what he can do.)
He wants to stop desperately… knows he's overreacting… but he can't. He thinks of it and his whole body convulses. Even though he never asked for this - even though he never asked to be alive - he's always going to hurt people, and he's always going to be miserable! He's never going to get his happy ending! His friends! His family! They're all going to hate him… no! They already do! And they're all right!
It makes him hopeless! It makes him hysterical! It leaves him petrified, and it leaves him gasping for breath. He wanted to be happy! He really did! But that's Yanagisawa talking, isn't it!? Of course he'd think he deserves to get off scot-free! But he doesn't! He doesn't! He's a monster, and that's never going to change!
He slams his fist into the wall with a shriek.
...At first… he hardly processes it… simply stares... trembling... at his own outstretched hand. He hadn't managed to do anything… the wall still looks good as new, but all the same, he feels his stomach turn inside out.
He'd… he'd really…-
...He acted out violently. There's no other word for it… no other explanation. Here he is… throwing a temper tantrum… pounding his fists against the wall… and for what!? Because he's scared!? Because he's angry!? Because he doesn't know how else to behave!?
His gaze slowly drifts to the rest of his room. His covers are haphazardly tossed to the side, and pillows litter the floor. There's a spot on the ground that still has his imprint… reminding him that not that long ago he'd been sobbing onto the carpet. Suddenly he feels horribly empty… and horribly frustrated, too. Is this how he reacts to getting what he deserves? With outrage?
(He'd never destroyed anything that was his… not back then, at least. But all the same, their house tended to end up looking like this. Couches flipped over and plates thrown through windows. He remembers the way he'd looked over it after he'd finally calmed down… if not at least a little satisfied by the sheer destruction, relieved he wouldn't have to be the one to clean it up. She'd learnt by then that if she didn't, it'd be her head through the window next.)
...Of course it is.
Who has he fucking been kidding? Of… of course he's terrible! And of course he ruins everything! That's who he really is inside! And it makes him angry! Not at his friends! Not at his family! And not even at the world! At himself, and himself alone. Because he doesn't wanna be this person… he doesn't wanna be scary, and he doesn't wanna be mad. But he is. He's angry that he's scared, and he's angry that he's alone, and he's angry that no matter what he does it aches.
He's angry that he's fucking angry in the first place!
Before he even knows what he's doing, he's slamming his fist into the wall. Pounding again and again until his knuckles feel ready to bleed. But he doesn't let up, no. He just sits there… aching… sobbing… screaming at the top of his lungs until he hears a snap. Because he can't stop! He shouldn't stop! He doesn't want to stop!
He wants to be allowed to be mad! He wants to be allowed to be angry he was born into this life, and he wants to be allowed to be angry he just lost the one good damn thing he ever had! He wants to be allowed to be angry his mom is dying, and he wants to be allowed to be angry his father's never once been there for him! He wants to be angry he's scared, and he wants to be angry he's hurt! But he's not! He's fucking not!
He's not allowed to feel this way! He destroys anything - everything when he does! And that fucking sucks! He feels miserable - and he deserves to - but that doesn't make it any more damn bearable! He thought he could be happy! He thought he was! But he's not! HE'S NOT!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
CRACK.
There's a sharp pain and a cloud of dust as he rears his hand back and puts it through the wall. A long moment of silence… before the dust settles, and he's left staring at his own fist through the drywall. It aches slightly. He distantly wonders if he'd sprained it… but somehow that's the least of his concerns. Slowly… he retrieves his hand… and as all that vigor fades from his body in an instant. He lowers his head… clutching at his throbbing hand for dear life.
...What the fuck is wrong with him? What had he been thinking? He doesn't feel any better. He just feels hopeless. Sitting there… nursing his hand… staring up at the big black hole in the wall… he feels his lip quiver. He takes a shaky breath and bats at his eyes… sniveling into his hands and weeping.
It's over. It's all really over. He's just as bad as he's always been, and his dad's gonna have to come home to this. Just like always, someone else is going to have to clean up his mess… and Kiyoshi's not going to fix it… just sit there and feel bad about himself. Because he's helpless… because he's selfish… and because he's goddamn evil.
Before he's even fully aware of what he's doing, he turns himself sideways and hops off the bed. Trudges over to his vanity… and looks up at himself in the mirror.
He's got a different face now… softer… kinder… with baby blond hair and eyes so doelike he could almost pass them off as innocent. But noting his bright red cheeks… the puffiness around his eyes, and the way snot drips down his chin… he thinks he almost sees what Fumiko saw. Not just something pathetic… but something a little bit ugly at that.
He wonders if it's about time he puts some of that violence to good use.
There's a bottle of Xanax on his bedside table. He takes it whenever he gets scared. His bedroom's up on the second story, and just above the driveway. He's sure his dad has weaponry stashed somewhere or another. It's not typical of where they live, but… y'know: Ministry of Defense.
It's certainly a nice thought… to think that he could just put an end to all of this. At least then it wouldn't hurt anymore. He doesn't know where a person like him would go… but maybe at the very least it would make the world a better place. Then Fumiko wouldn't need to worry about anything. He'd be gone for real this time.
(...He wonders if she'd blame herself.)
Who is he kidding? He's certain she would. She can pretend not to be that person all she wants, but she's still Aguri. She'd think 'I wish there would have been a different way,' and she'd cry. Some dark, twisted part of him is almost satisfied by that. At least then she'd miss him.
...At least then she'd admit he could have been good.)
He feels an utter disgust at himself - at the thought - feels his hand twitch slightly, and looks down on his own reflection. He can't just - he can't just do these things because he's selfish. He can't just do these things because he wants attention. It's wrong!
( That's selfish? Dying is selfish? Who is he fucking kidding? It's being alive that's selfish.)
He wonders just how hard Makoto would take it. He'd probably blame himself, wouldn't he? The thought alone makes Kiyoshi feel sick. He's hurt Makoto so, so, so much as is… there would have to be something seriously wrong with him to put another damn burden on that boy's shoulders. Even if it hurts… even if he feels helpless- he can't just take away his best friend…-
He just can't do that to Makoto!
(WHY!? WHY WON'T MAKOTO JUST GIVE UP ON HIM!? ALL OF THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF HE WOULD!)
And he can't just do that to Fumiko, either! Even if he's hurt, even if he's angry, he still just wants her to be happy! He knows that woman! And he knows she'll never forgive herself if she drove him to off himself!
(He knows he certainly hasn't forgiven himself for doing the same to her.)
('Stop, Kiyoshi,' he thinks. 'That's not the same. Don't put her on your level. All she's done is lash out at you once. All she's done is give you what you deserve. All she's done is told you there's no hope for you. You should be thanking her!
You deserve to have your heart smashed into a thousand tiny little pieces!)
He wonders for a second if Dad would even care… and just as soon resents himself for it. Of course Dad would care! Who - who cares if he's never once told Kiyoshi he's proud of him in his entire damn life? That doesn't mean he wants him dead! If he… if he came home to something horrible having happened to Kiyoshi, he'd be scarred. He's already in hysterics over Irina! If he lost his son in the same week, he'd fucking snap.
...Kiyoshi has to be a monster to even consider it.
(Is he going to hate himself no matter what he does!?)
He's just… so tired! He's just so sick of it! Being terrified of himself, and looking out towards the future only to see nothing. Is this what his destiny is? Only to keep living on not because he wants to, but because he's afraid of causing even more harm? What sort of life is that? Surely not one that ever feels any better than this…
He wonders if any of that is really what matters to him… this idea of 'harm…' Hurting his friends and family… is it that, or is he just afraid? Afraid of what it'd be like to die, and afraid of what would happen to someone like him after…?
(He remembers it, just barely. He doesn't want to, but he does. It's an average day… then his heart starts to falter. There's no-one in the room, and he can't scream - can't speak. Even somehow amongst the motionless monotony, he's afraid. Life has become misery, but the idea of death is worse. He's not ready yet. Wait- please.
...For the first time in his life, Yanagisawa's afraid.)
That's what it has to be.
Even now… he's making this about himself. This isn't about his friends… his family… is it? This is about his fear. Plain and simple, Kiyoshi doesn't want to die. And plain and simple he's afraid of his legacy vanishing. There's so much he hasn't gotten to do yet - so much he hasn't gotten to try. But as he reiterates that… meeting his own eyes from across the glass, he feels his heart grind to a stop.
...So much he hasn't gotten to destroy.
'Stop being selfish,' he thinks. 'Even if it would hurt you, that's good… isn't it? You should be afraid. Who cares what you want!? It's about what the world needs! And who cares if it'll hurt them. Surely it won't hurt as much as you staying here will. It'll hurt for a little bit, and then they'll move on. They'll forget you! Like they should have! A long long time ago!'
Kiyoshi takes a step back, knees terribly weak.
'I-I'm not ready. They'll… they'll be sad. I just know it'
'Will they?'
His own reflection in the mirror looks awfully harsh.
...His face doesn't shift. He's in the world of the waking. All the same, those mismatched doe eyes suddenly look violent. He's seen that expression before, albeit never directed at himself. Does that make it okay, somehow?
...He doesn't know.
'I… want to think they will.'
'You want your friends to be sad?'
'No! No!' That's not it… he just… he just-
...He just wants to be needed.
'You can make it about them as much as you want! But you know the truth! You always will! And you're a selfish asshole! So just do it already! The world would be better without you! Why don't you just get that!?'
Because… because…-
KIYOSHI DOESN'T KNOW!
All he knows is that he's scared! Scared of himself, and scared of dying, and scared of never feeling loved ever again. But he has to face that! And that's what his punishment is! And so meeting his own eye- facing down the monster in the mirror- and letting out a scream of frustration for what feels like the hundredth time today, he rears his fist back and smashes it… collapses to the ground as glass shatters around him, and sits… knees beside the broken glass.
...His hand is bleeding.
Some faraway part of him notes that he's lucky not to have severed a tendon. Then he'd really be in trouble, wouldn't he? There's this sharp stinging feeling in his hand. When he glances towards his knuckles, he catches sight of little glass pieces embedded in them and feels his stomach do flips. But he doesn't motion to remove them… some part of him's still convinced he deserves this. Even if he can't die, he can treasure this, at least.
And finally… Kiyoshi doesn't scream. Simply curls up into his knees and weeps. All of the frustration… all of the defiance seeming to have flooded from his body in an instant… all he is is scared… scared of what he's done here, and scared of what that means for him in the future.
...Scared, because he doesn't want to die, but he doesn't quite want to live, either.
One hand bloodied, and the other hand bruised… Kiyoshi hiccups- sputters for breath - and lets them ache… cries so hard his head pounds… and begs for something - for anything.
For help. For an 'I believe in you,' or some form of redemption.
...That's when the door creaks open, and a panicked voice speaks up.
"Kiyoshi!?"
A voice he hadn't expected to sound like that in a thousand years.
...His father's.