This one turned out a little longer than I anticipated. Apologies for taking a bit longer to get it out :) Thank you again for all of your support.
The hospital bathed in the brightest of sunshine. The rays touched almost every part of it as the sun shone high up in the sky. The cracks in the brickwork were similar to the lines on a persons face. They told the tale of the building's existence and the stresses it had had to endure. It had to adhere to the pressures of the weather, shifting of the brickwork, and invasion of ivy and other creeping plants. If you looked at the building with care, you could almost make out the face of a man. The roof was like an old hat. The placement of the end windows were like eyes looking upon the world. The line of sills at the bottom spread out like the grin of a mouth. Then, if you tied in the ivy and cracks as wrinkles, there stood an old English gentleman of Downton Village. Surprisingly, and even she thought it was strange, it reminded her of Carson. The hospital was a protector of the village. It helped people get back on their feet and back to good health. Carson was that to her, was that to so many.
The air around her was warm enough so that she could feel it beneath her clothes. It was if it was warming her right through to her core, and so she closed her eyes to let it sink into her face. It was what she needed. The night before had been long. After her Mama had visited her in the early hours, she had struggled to sleep afterwards. It had been patchy and full of unwanted dreams and nightmares. Sybil and Matthew were at the forefront of the difficult ones, reminding her of the sadness she was feeling. When she had awoken at one point, she had felt the neck of her nightdress and found it soaked with sweat. After that, Mary had tried to go back to sleep with nothing but a sheet covering her. It had left her feeling off when she had woken up for the morning, and she could feel the panic and sadness sitting in the pit of her stomach.
Once she had eaten her toast, had a cup of tea and retrieved the message from her Mama, she had climbed out of bed. It only took a moment to put something on her feet, and then she made her way downstairs towards the garden. The dream had made her feel some pressure from her grief, and so she needed to try and clear her mind so that the feeling would go away. Mary knew that she was going to overcome this grief. What she needed to do was do it in such a way that it would not mar the memory of Matthew in her mind. It seemed like the hardest challenge that she would ever have to face, and it was daunting without him by her side. What she had to remember, because people had made their love very clear, was that she had people around her that had been through something similar and would do whatever they could to help her get through it. When she had made her way downstairs, her first point of call had been to see if Carson was awake as he had always made her feel secure. When she could see that he was sleeping peacefully, she had gone to the garden without him.
The life she was living now was a distant contrast to the life she had previously lived. Before the grief. Before the pain. The years before had been filled with arrogance to loss, desires for greatness and a hardness to her soul that only Matthew could soften. The hours she would spend deliberating dresses, seeking out men who could elevate her and her life, and how she needed to have her hair in a particular way that day. Now all she cared for was trying to feel peace inside her aching chest. Parties swapped for a quaint hospital garden, smiles and laughter replaced with tears and grief. How she was now was not how her life should be. She was trying not to resent it and accept it for what it was now. The pain needed to set free from the stone wall in her heart, but breaking that down was a difficult task she had to face. Piece by piece, moment by moment, it would come down. It had to come down. There was no other way.
The breeze whipped around her hair as she looked up at the cotton clouds that were tracking across the sky. It reminded her of when she was a child, and how they would try and imagine the things that the clouds resembled. Sybil always had the best imagination and could see the most intricate details within the shadows and highlights of the cloud formations. Sybil could see the best in things, and any cloud that she saw was always something positive, always something warm. Edith would see monsters and spiders, whereas Sybil saw bunnies and happy faces. Those days were much simpler. Mary should have treasured them more. As a child, you have no concept of those times and what they mean. So really, there was nothing in that time as a child to treasure, because children lived in the moment. What she should do now is value the happy moments in her life to help her through the bad.
Mary let out an elongated sigh. The air outside was fresh, a light breeze coursed through the air and wafted the scent of freshly cut grass towards her. It made her take in a deep breath, reminding her of the days that she and her sisters would play with the grass after it had been cut. They would play with it, throw it, roll around in it and let it fall through their fingers until it would get removed and the lawns cleared up. It was always fun to throw grass in Edith's face.
The long gown she was wearing flapped delicately against her ankles as the wind moved through any gap it could find, like water, it managed to find a way through the smallest of spaces. The air was warm, fresh, laced with the smell of flowers and grass, and it fingered through her hair like the fingers of mother nature herself. It made her sigh. The sigh was not a happy sigh, but it was also not a sigh of desperation that she was used to. It was just a sigh like it was the only way that she could express that moment of temporary stillness as she let her mind settle. It was this stillness that she craved. Mary needed to learn to treasure the past and not dwell on it. In essence, she had to live for the now because that was all she had. At the same time, she had to look to the future as a cure for her sadness. How she would get through this and what she would strive towards. Matthew. George. Mama. Papa. Carson. Anna. Tom.
"What a beautiful day, My Lady," she heard the deep voice of Carson say. Turning quickly, she jerked her head as fast as she could to see Carson standing to the side of her, a smile on his face. "Are you well, My Lady?"
Mary tracked her eyes over his face, starting with the top where she could see the minor yellowing over the slightly sickly pallor that his face still held. It was because Mary knew where to look that she could make out the faded bruising. Then she moved to his brows that sat like a shelf over his sparkling eyes. There was a warmth and glow behind his eyes that Mary had never noticed before as if something had come alive in him, something good. The hair on his head was not lying flat, she noted, a small lick of hair was sticking up by his ear as if it dared to reach towards the sun like a sunflower. Looking at the way he stood, he was carrying himself high, and she could see that he was feeling much better. It was radiating out of him like he had swallowed the sun whole. "Yes," Mary replied, taking a step back so that they were shoulder to shoulder. "It's a lovely day."
"Nature is a wonderful thing, My Lady. It really is. It grounds us. It makes us realise our place in the world and just how much life we have to live." Carson allowed himself a moment to inhale the smell of freshly cut grass that he caught when the wind rushed by his face. "It's a wonderful day."
Mary turned curiously to look at Carson who was beaming from ear to ear. "You look like the cat that's got the cream," Mary grinned. "You must be feeling much much better."
Carson raised his eyebrows instinctively. It was his natural response to almost any situation. They were expressive and dominant, and nearly always showed what he was feeling even if he was trying to hide it. Not that he ever really did. Seeing Mary smirk at him made him feel warmer than the rays of the sun that were bouncing off of his face could. Something was bothering her, he could tell by her face. It was likely why she was outside. Carson was no stranger to grief and the way that it moved differently within people. What usually occurred was that they lifted and fell like the tide. The frequency of good days changed and altered, but when the mist began to rise, the good days came more frequently and then lasted longer. It was what he was hoping would happen sooner rather than later. In his eyes, she had come so far after having battled for so long to keep herself afloat. The falter had perhaps been a blessing in disguise because she seemed to be getting better as the days went. The moment she had broken meant that the pieces could be glued back together. Seeing her doing better in herself as the days went, and the fact that his own life had turned on its head made him swell out with happiness. "I am feeling much better, My Lady. I really am."
Mary stared at his smile, seeing the corners of his mouth reach up towards the sky. It was the happiest she had seen him for a very long time. "Well," she said softly. "I am glad to hear it. Maybe we can go home soon?"
Carson nodded and smiled. "I believe Dr Clarkson is coming to talk to me about that later on today." Staring out across the garden, he looked to see a small bed of flowers near to him. Carson did love flowers and gardens and hoped to be able to work on one when he retired. They were colourful and well kept, and he could see that the colours moved from whites to yellows, and then to oranges, pinks and purples. The purples were the same hue as the Scottish thistle. This image of the thistle in his mind made him think of Mrs Hughes, and all he could do was smile. The smile stretched far up his face until the point he felt his cheeks ache, and then he sighed deeply. Happiness felt like it was oozing out of every single pore in his body. In his mind, he still had to tell himself that what had transpired with Mrs Hughes had not been a dream, that it was real and it had happened. "Yes, it is a beautiful day," he sighed again happily before staring out into the furthest corner of the garden.
Mary watched as Carson stood tall by her side, seeing him stare off into the distance with blissful contentment. There was certainly something that had shifted within him. Carson usually held a firm gaze. It was in his make-up to be direct, and he rarely moved away from that stone-like persona. Now he seemed to be living in a dreamy and content state. It was odd, but it was pleasant. The hard edges of his face looked to have been softened by the movement of a coursing tide. Was it because he was outside and finally free from his hospital bed? Was it because he was on the mend? But who was she kidding really? She knew that it was something to do with Mrs Hughes. Mrs Hughes was that tide, the rush of water that turned a rock into a precious stone. Of course it was. The evidence had pointed towards it like a flame in the night. Carson's expression was the look of a man in love. Mary remembered the same expression on Matthew's face. Her darling and loving Matthew. This reminder of how he used to look at her made her recoil and stare down at her feet. The sadness in her stomach balled up. It felt like she was being weighed down by a lead balloon. The panic began its ascent.
"And how are you doing, really, My Lady?" Carson could see her eyes downturn suddenly, and he sensed a shift. The smile had dropped, and her eyes glazed over. It was a split-second change, but he had noticed it none the less.
Mary preferred it when she was focusing on him. It helped her direct her attention away from herself. Watching how Carson reacted to things, how he was doing and acting. It was a distraction, something that she wanted for herself but also him. Not knowing how Carson had lived his life before the Abbey in much detail made it apparent that she did not know if he had ever been in love before. What she wanted was for him to have that in his life. To have him feel something deep and meaningful, pure and raw. It was his right to have someone to share his life with and be by his side. It was his right to have someone to plan his future with and settle down to each evening.
Mary had lost the man she was going to share her life with. That thought nestled deep in her mind, and it started to move around and around like a painful distraction.
Everything had been about her, and it had been like that since she was born. Living in a moment where it was about her meant, in that second, that she would have to think about how she was feeling. It was easier to focus on Carson. Much easier. "I think I'm nearly ready to go home. I've been waiting for the moment when we can both go back. We can both get back to our lives. I know it's not going to be easy, Carson, I am not naive to the fact. I just know that I have people there behind me, people who will help me and be there for me. I need to remember that over everything else. Matthew consumes my thoughts more often than not, and I can see him in the smallest of things. The problem is, Carson is that I am stubborn. In my head I knew that there were people there to help me all along, but I chose not to recognise it. I chose, because there was no other option that I could muster, to go about it alone. I have had a lot of conversations with people who care, and I have promised to talk to people when I need to. It's made things a bit more bearable I suppose, but I need to ensure that I don't let the stubbornness mix in with the grief. I'll get there. I have some wonderful people by my side."
"You're very strong, Lady Mary. Very strong. The best thing is to take it a step at a time. A day at a time. A minute at a time."
"I have been thinking actually. The thing about grief is that nobody talks about it. They speak of grief as just a word, but nobody ever discloses the truth of it until it happens to you. It's as if people can't physically speak of it to you until they know that you can relate to it. It's like their words will never prepare you for what is to come when you lose someone you love. Then, do you blame them? The people that know the true wrath of its power are ones that have been pushed down to their knees by its true and brutal force. It's like the first dandelion on a lawn. It appears, springs up and then spreads its seeds that then root in every field. They ravage, remove the sustenance and nutrients from the soil around it and eke into every gap that they can find. That is what grief is. It's a weed. At the same time, I have never truly noticed it in other people until I've felt it too. I think back to the time when Tom, Mama and Papa were suffering through their losses, and the pain was so clear I don't know how I was able to miss it. I suppose, selfishly, I was concentrating on myself. Through most of our lives, we look through rose coloured glasses. We see what we want to see or what we understand to be our reality. Nearly everyone around us is hurting in one way or another. Is this is what life is, Carson? Pain and suffering? Even when we are at our finest moment, we are tainted with the sadness that will be in our hearts. Will it always be there? Will it ever get better? See, I do not believe it will, Carson. I feel as if something like this will taint our lives forever. I am truly astounded by how the whole world has twisted into something completely different now as if the sun itself has changed colour."
"The loss of someone we hold dear is something that will naturally change us because that person had an impact on our life. We don't forget them, but we learn to live without them by our side. It doesn't mean the love goes away. It just means we tolerate the state of our being as it is. We learn to move forward because we have no choice but to do that. We must take stock of what we have around us, realise the positives that remain and take hold of them with both hands. People don't talk about grief because they prefer to leave it behind them for as long as they can. They have learnt to deal with their grief, put it to one side and learn to live their life again. Sometimes speaking of it can render the wall that they have built into nothing. What you say is true, to an extent, it's better to not speak of it because it's not something that can be understood until it's become a real event. When someone loses someone, there is something that can only be acknowledged by someone else that has felt it. It's like love. Until you have felt it, you can't put it into words for others to understand. You also can't relate to people that have felt it, until you have on the same level. I would say, My Lady, that you are lucky to have been able to feel the love that many people go their whole life without feeling. You are strong. You are loved."
Mary understood what he meant, and she instantly wondered if he was able to sing from the same song sheet as she on both levels. "Oh, Carson," she sighed. "I am so glad that you are still here with me."
"My Lady, the relief I feel at having you stood here by my side in a beautiful garden will no doubt mirror that sentiment. We were all so worried. I don't want you to think that you can't get through this. You can. No matter the time, no matter the day, no matter anything, my door is always open."
Mary smiled and nodded. "You're too good to me, Carson. I do wish there was something that I could do to repay your kindness and loyalty."
"There is, My Lady. Keep moving forward. Don't give up."
Hearing Carson talk about love, and how it's something that people can't relate to unless they had felt it themselves made her think about him. Did Carson understand it on the same level as her? Had he thought about the road that he and Mrs Hughes would have to face if they were to become a solid unit? It wasn't unheard of for people in their positions to be intertwined as they were. The Crawley family were of a high standing, but even they have had to traverse some treacherous paths over the years. They were not as uniform as people expected, and they had been known on occasion to follow their hearts rather than what they were expected to do. In her heart, she knew that it was not likely that her Papa would denounce the relationship that had formed between the two people that kept the home moving. If the relationship went sour, it could affect the running of the home. This would likely be the issue that her Papa would think about. Mary did not care much for thinking like that about them, because she had an inkling that the love and fondness that the two held for each other was one stronger than people would assume. Not only did Mary not care for that though, she also knew that if backing their corner would be a way of repaying even a slither of debt, then she would do it with every ounce of determination she had. Mary got what she wanted more often than not, and that was how she traversed the world. It was selfish, it was cold, but it was always for the best intentions for herself and what she needed.
Carson had been the pillar to her life since day one and never had he asked for anything. That was just the type of man that he was. Carson was loyal, fierce, and cut from the finest of cloth. It was also likely because he thought of it as part of his job. What Mary did wonder was how the loyalty he had for the home would contend with the love he had for Mrs Hughes if asked to choose. Carson rarely spoke of his life outside of the home, because his role had been his life. Mary would make this work for him, so he would never have to choose. The fear that if he had to choose, and he picked Mrs Hughes over his role and have to leave was almost as pointed as the fear she had when she thought that he would die. Carson wouldn't be around any longer if that route was chosen. No, she would have her way because she owed Carson, and she knew that she couldn't think about him not being there whilst she tried to fix herself. Not only that, but she wanted him to be a part of her life for as long as it were possible. Mr Carson was special to her and the home, and now Mrs Hughes. They had a debt to him and Mary would ensure that it was repaid. First, she had to let him know that she was willing to do that for him. That was going to be part one.
"I bumped into Mrs Hughes last night," Mary said softly, turning to look towards the tree. "It was very kind of her to come down at such a late hour to see how you were."
Carson, at the sound of Mrs Hughes' name, felt his stomach erupt as the butterflies began to fly. Instantly, Carson tried to gauge where the conversation was going. Curiosity laced the tone of her voice. The confidence and edge to her voice made his eyes shift to the side so he could look at her. The change in him after speaking about love had not gone unnoticed. "Yes, My Lady. I was quite surprised. It was lovely to have the unexpected company. She's let me know that everything is going as it should be at the house, so I need not worry."
"But no doubt you've been thinking about it," Mary smirked. There were two contexts to her statement. One was she knew that he would be thinking about the home and if his standards were being kept up, and the other would be about whatever interaction had gone on that night. Mary had seen him hold Mrs Hughes' face. For a man of his age and stature, she knew that it was one of the least rigid things she had ever seen him do.
"Old habits die hard, My Lady. I like things done a certain way. I trust Mrs Hughes. She is good at her job," Carson paused to open his arm outwards to signal, if permitted, to start walking. "Shall we?"
They both began a slow and steady walk around the garden. "She has been over a lot. I know you won't remember the others because you were unconscious. It makes me think that she must be a very good friend to you."
Carson exhaled. "Yes, My Lady. We have worked together for many years. We have sat at the same table, walked the same halls and seen many things in our time. We are friends. We are very good friends. Not only that, but she is made of a strong core, she is kind and she is firm. Like you, she fights for what she believes in."
"I must say, Carson. I feel frightfully annoyed with myself that I didn't know that about you. You have been so loyal to me, and for so long, and yet I don't feel that I have given you the same courtesy. What do I know about your life outside of the walls? It's pitiful."
"My Lady, you have, and always will have a lot on your plate. You are Lady Mary Crawley, and so you must take hold of this world in a completely different manner to the likes of I. I live a simple life, and what you see is what I am. I have very little to deviate from how you see me."
"It's strange. After all of this, I feel as if I do not know you as well as I should. I would like to change that if it is at all possible?"
Carson felt surprised, but then this transitioned to a feeling of discomfort when he allowed himself to think about what she was saying. This was not a likely topic of conversation. Had everything that had happened made her more observant to the people around her? It was usual in people that lived the life that Lady Mary Crawley lived to not care much for the servants, and she had never explicitly asked him about his life, and nor would he expect her to. That was not how their relationship worked.
There were things about his life that he didn't need to talk about. There were things in his past that he wanted to keep in his past. Carson was there to do his job, and he was there to back her corner and fight for whatever it was she believed in. Of course, he had grown to care for her at a far deeper level than his job dictated. This did not bother him, because it had been a pleasure to watch her grow to the woman she was now. It was not his job to rattle on about his own life. It was not for her to know. It was not for her to care about. Lady Mary Crawley had been given a destiny from the very moment she took her very first breath. Learning about the life of her Butler to such a degree didn't seem proper. But really, his life hadn't been the most interesting, so what was there to tell? "My Lady-"
"I know it's not within the social construct of our statuses in this world, Carson. We are old friends, you and I. You have been so wonderful to me for so long. I don't remember a time when you haven't been there for me. You always know what to say and how to lift me up. I think you know almost everything there is to know about me, but then there is so much that I do not know about you." Mary paused to watch his face. Noticing the discomfort in his eyes, she backtracked slightly. "I suppose the main thing is that if you should ever need something, if you should ever need me to back your corner as you have done for me, then I want you to be able to come to me."
"My Lady-"
"Carson, I owe you my life," she stressed. "I would not be standing here now without you."
Carson nodded, hearing the force behind her voice he retreated. "Thank you, My Lady."
They fell into silence as the pair of them got lost in their thoughts. Mary felt impatient about waiting to see if Carson would say anything about Mrs Hughes, and Carson thought about how he didn't think he would ever be completely comfortable in seeking her out if he ever needed help. That was not how their roles worked in this world.
Mary felt in her stomach that propriety would always be at the forefront of Carson's mind. That, mixed with his sturdy resolve, meant that he would likely never make the first move. What Mary wanted him to know and understand was that she would have their corner if they chose to disclose the status of their relationship to her and the family. Although she doubted that there would be much that would go against it, she wanted him to know more than anything that she would do whatever she could to ensure that he could carry on with his life, but also feel the happiness of having love in his life. Should she just come out and say it?
Mary moved so she stood directly ahead of Carson. "I want you to know something."
Carson tilted his head. "Yes, My Lady?"
"That I would be ok with it," she said coolly, putting her hands together as she kept her focus on his eyes. "I want you to be happy. And so, I would be fine with it."
"My Lady?"
Mary sighed in an exasperated manner. "Mrs Hughes. You spoke earlier about how grief and love can only be understood between people if both sides of the coin have felt them. I know love, Carson."
Mary had known love with Matthew and had lost it. This made her swallow as she tried to get her mind back onto the right track. The panic reared its ugly head and reignited like an idle ember gently pushed by a breeze. "I've watched, I've seen and I've witnessed the way that you two are with each other. I saw the way you took her face in your hand, and the expression on your face this morning. Mrs Hughes is the woman that you love. I'm sure you wouldn't want people to find out like this, and that you would like for it to be done your way. Regardless, if she is the woman that you want in your life. If she is the woman that makes your day better, your nights warmer and your heart feel alive, then I will be ok with it." Mary closed her eyes and tried to force the presence of Matthew from her words. As Carson had said, people only understood love when they had felt it themselves. Matthew had made her nights warmer, he had made her life better, and now she had to face it all without him.
Carson could see Mary's eyes grow wide as she spoke and he could tell that she was getting upset, so he moved a little closer to her. In response, she lifted her hands so they were flat and facing towards him as if she just wanted a moment to get what she needed to say out in the open before the panic reached the brim. "Don't think that I am permitting you to love her, because love doesn't need permission, and you do not need to seek that out from us even though you feel you might need to. I just feel that I need to tell you that I would be fine with it. Love is precious, delicate, powerful, raw and hard to find," Mary paused to take a breath and steady herself. This conversation had awoken the grief with full force, but she knew she had to carry on. She had started something and she needed to finish it so that she could let Carson know he could carry on with his life like normal. It was important to her. It was important to him. What she wanted was to walk away from the conversation so she could reign in her feelings, but she was speaking now, and it was coming out at force.
"It's ok, My Lady," Carson whispered. The desire to soothe her was strong. It pained him to see her when she was upset.
Mary shook her head. "If this is how you can feel as happy as Matthew and I...as I was, then you can not pass it up. I will not allow it. I will truly be fine with it and demand that you take it with both hands because you never... E-ever know when it will be removed from you." Mary hung her head for a moment before lifting her hand to her face. She quickly flicked away that tear with her finger. "Trust me when I say this. Do not let it go if you have the chance to have it in your life. You need to treasure it, nurture it and let it fill your whole body. I know you love your job, that you love serving this family, and so I want you to feel at ease in knowing that you have our backing so you don't have to choose. I mean, look around, times are changing with the tick of every second. It happens more often these days. Most of all, I think," she said softly. "Is that I don't want you to leave. You mean too much to us for that."
Carson blinked in a bewildered manner. "Leave, My Lady?"
"I know propriety is one of your strengths, and why the Abbey stands tall and firm whilst others around it crumble. I know that potentially you may feel the need to choose between being able to do your job and love Mrs Hughes. You do not have to choose. I don't know how Papa would feel about it, but there is not much of a chance that I will back down to allow anything to remove you from my life. You can both do your job and be together because I know that you will never let anything alter the way that you run the house. You are the epitome of propriety. I want you to be able to have your cake and eat it," she exasperated with a tiny smile that then morphed into a sob. "I want you to be happy." The image of Matthew shot to the front of her mind, and she could feel it eat away at her. The feeling of having someone you loved to share your life with, to feel happy with, to be with and love. Mary moved her hand up to her mouth and began to cry. "I-I want you to have what I can't." Mary trailed off, the last sentence taking root in her thoughts and making her finally bubble over the edge. The grief and panic needed to escape. This was not how she thought the conversation was going to go. But then really, the thoughts of Matthew and what she was missing always appeared when she least expected it.
Carson stepped forward and brought her close to him. The palm of her hand rested just below his shoulder, and she placed her cheek flat against it as she quietly wept against him. All the speaking of love, and having someone to love and cherish had made the grief that she had tried to ground herself from rear its ugly head without any warning. The emotion and truth behind her words, which she had wanted to give to Carson so he knew what she would do for him, had twisted in her stomach and made her take a step backwards. In response, Carson stood strong and firm as she leant into him. The arm furthest away from her head came up and rested across her shoulders, pulling her into him so she had as much support as she needed. It made him feel sad and so he whispered words of reassurance into her ear as she cried.
Carson was confused, shocked and sad at what had unfolded in front of him. In those words, he could tell that she was trying to offer him something wonderful and pure. The thoughts of love had reminded her of Matthew and had been enough to rattle her into the emotional stupor she was in at that moment. So, as she leant into him, he squeezed her tight to let her know that he was there to support her. "Just let it out, Lady Mary. Just let it out."
Mary allowed herself to cry, as Carson said for her to do, and she did until she was able to reign it in. It took a few moments, but then she lifted her head and took a step back. "Well," she whispered. "That's not how I wanted to tell you that."
Carson smiled. "Do not worry yourself about that. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Whatever you need."
Mary smiled and wiped the corner of her eye. "I hope you don't think I'm intruding."
Carson realised she was speaking about the fact that she knew about Mrs Hughes. "No, of course not, My Lady." He thought that it was kind, intrusive, bold and it was very much everything that Mary was. Mrs Hughes and Carson had not reached the point where they had thought about how and when they would tell the family. It was so new that they had not even discussed the logistics of their feelings. They didn't even know between themselves what they were planning on doing with it. At best, Carson thought that he would have had some time to think about and speak to Mrs Hughes in more detail about what they wanted. They loved each other, very very much, and of course, Carson wanted to make her his wife. But it was new, it was fresh, and they needed to be sensible and follow the river until they were ready to enter the sea.
"I mean what I said. I fully support you."
Carson smiled a huge smile. It meant more to him than he could ever express, to know that his Lady Mary accepted the love he had for Mrs Hughes. Although he hadn't thought about when he would tell the family, it made him confident and happy that he knew that they had her backing. If anything, that would have been the largest mountain to climb. It would have been horrific to learn that Lady Mary did not approve because then that would leave him in a difficult situation. Lady Mary accepted Mrs Hughes as the love in his life. It was the icing on the proverbial cake to know that she wanted him to have all of the things that he loved. The past 24 hours had been one of the most amazing in his life. "My Lady. I really and truly am thankful for what you have said to me. I know it must have been hard, as it must remind you of what you have lost. But it does mean the world to me that you have my corner."
Mary smiled. "Well then," she said in a forced cheery manner. "I think Papa is coming down later today. Mama sent a message up. I can talk to him and get this ironed out so you don't have to worry about it?"
Carson shook his head. "It's a lovely thought and gesture, My Lady. Do not think me rude, but I feel that I should, when the time is right, talk to him myself. I do not believe that we are at that time as of yet. This is very new to me, very new to us, and I don't want to run into something without talking to Mrs Hughes first. We haven't broached the subject. We have much to talk about before we get there."
Mary nodded in agreeance. "I'm sorry, I got a little carried away. I can be there to back your corner when the time is right?"
Carson's face softened, and he smiled a broad smile. "Having you in my corner makes all the difference, My Lady. All the difference indeed."
"Well, that settles it then." Mary moved to be by his side and they started walking around the garden again. "It's very exciting," she said softly, ignoring the pang of pain in her chest. It had already overcome her once, and she would not let it happen again. Faltering was allowed, but she had to make sure that it didn't take root. Just one step at a time, as Carson said, and that was what she was going to do.
"It is certainly that and more, Lady Mary."
"If there is anything else I can do to help, please just ask. I owe you after all."
Carson stopped his walk forward. "Lady Mary, if I may. Do not think me impertinent but I refuse to allow you to hold yourself in an area of debt to me. I am in no position to hold that over you. Please, just allow me to do what I can for you and leave it at that. It is my wish, and if that is the wish that you can fulfil then please take that as a completion of the debt. I have a full life, and that is all I have ever wished for. I need nothing more. To know you are ok, to know that I have so much in my life is enough."
Mary nodded. In her mind, it wasn't the end of her debt to him, but she knew that he would not accept anything else from her. If she had to, she would do things without his knowledge. Mary knew she had a debt, and she would repay it in any way that she could. Maybe further down the line, if they got married, she could make sure that they had a splendid wedding? Whatever it would be, she would do what she could to help him. Carson was proud, but then so was she.
The bell from the nearby church began to chime, and the pair of them turned their heads towards it. "Hour by hour, Carson," Mary muttered. "I'll take it hour by hour."
Carson nodded with a smile on his face. "And I will be here at every second of that hour if you need it."
P.S I know potentially some people may think that some of the dialogue wouldn't happen due to the fact that Carson is just a Butler etc. I just think that their relationship is so special, and with what Mary has been through that potentially she has undertaken a bit of a change. It might only be temporary, but enough for this to happen :) I really enjoyed writing it regardless 3