Stay

Chapter 38

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

Here is Chapter 38, which I've been waiting to write for FOREVER. Content warning for the management of vaginismus, as well as conversation around sexual boundaries. My AO3 friends, thank you thank you thank you for getting me to ONE HUNDRED kudos. Wow!

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

And move forward they did. As winter turned into spring, Alex had sprung forward in progress. Her entire body felt lighter as it moved, and though the ghosts of her past hadn't freed her entirely—she suspected they never would—the load she was carrying was now bearable. Anger at her abusers had turned into love and compassion for herself, and she'd never in her life looked more forward to the future, while still capable of living in the present. The ADA occasionally still experienced moments of frustration towards herself, but she had a rebuttal argument now—"It couldn't have been my fault."

And if that were true, many other related things had to be true also.

It couldn't have been her fault that she was jumpy. That she was in pain most of the time.

It couldn't have been her fault that she was uniquely troubled by the D'Agostino case.

It couldn't have been her fault that her one attempt to insert a tampon into her body had ended in Olivia guiding her through breathing as she gingerly helped her remove the plastic applicator.

It couldn't have been her fault that she wasn't quite ready to have sex.

But God, how she wanted to be.

Alex and Olivia were no longer seeing Kimani every week. They went together once a month, and each of them went once a month alone. That was the deal, though Olivia had missed most of her solo appointments thus far due to "work conflicts." Cabot knew her partner was trying her best to be vulnerable, but just like the attorney's healing, the older woman's would also last a lifetime. So, she didn't push hard, and whenever the brunette did go to her therapy appointments, she left having had made strides. Her pace just needed to be slower in order to avoid burnout.

Alex used most of her solo appointments with Kimani to discuss her progress with relaxing and stretching her vaginal muscles, which was for the most part going fairly well. She'd mastered using each finger—even her thumb—and she was sometimes comfortable maintaining the penetration for a full fifteen minutes, though any movement usually caused her pain, so she had to be incredibly careful.

"As you work up to more fingers," Kimani had said to her during a recent session, "it's going to be important that you set yourself up for success. One of the ways you can do that, in addition to taking your time, being gentle with yourself, and setting an alarm, is becoming aroused before you try to insert anything inside of you. This will," she'd continued, "help with relaxation of the vaginal muscles, as well as with lubrication."

She'd at one point suggested involving Olivia, not to be an active part of the process, but to serve as "an aid to lubrication and arousal," the therapist had explained. And as much as Alex loved any excuse to cozy up to her partner in bed and make out a little, she did feel that would be taking advantage of her, even if she consented—which Cabot feared she would do, faking enthusiasm—because the older woman would likely end up standing outside the bathroom anxiously for the full fifteen minutes waiting for the sound of crying to come through the door, which—though rare—had happened once or twice.

So in the interest of protecting Olivia, the ADA had decided to continue going it solo, at least for a little while longer.

She was sitting on the couch reading when the older woman returned from a session with Kimani. Alex laid her head back on the arm of the couch for an upside-down kiss, and then Liv sat down on the couch next to her, lifting her legs onto her lap.

"How was it?" the blonde asked as the detective took her purse off her shoulder and rested it next to her.

"Good." Olivia smiled, still out of breath from the trek up the stairs. "You up to doing some homework?"

The lawyer nodded. Her girlfriend hadn't brought home any work for the two of them to do together yet, so she wondered what it could be. "Yeah, sure."

"Well, let me tell you what it is first before you agree." Benson laughed quietly, reaching into her purse and pulling out a small rolled up poster board, as well as what looked to be flashcards. As they increased their level of physical intimacy—they'd bathed together many times since D'Agostino's acquittal, and they had established a routine of Olivia lovingly and protectively cupping her center for a few minutes while the women spoke softly to one another—Liv had begun discussing with Kimani ways to establish clear boundaries, something they could refer to and update that wasn't just in their heads. Olivia's boundaries had mostly to do with being deeply aware of Alex's, so she figured they could kill two birds with one stone by completing this exercise she and the therapist had planned together.

The brunette flattened the poster board and laid it out on the table in front of them, before pulling it towards the couch and reaching into her purse for some stick glue. There were three columns drawn onto the board with what looked to be sharpie marker, labelled "green", "yellow", and "red" respectively. "Our homework is an art project?" Alex asked incredulously. "Baby, I'm an attorney, not an artist, and I must admit, I'm not particularly skilled with Elmer's Glue."

The older woman chuckled again. "I'll do the gluing then," she offered, nudging the woman next to her with her elbow. "Okay, so—" She took a deep breath, starting to display the flash cards in front of them. Cabot's eyes perused the writing she saw— "Oral sex—giving", "Penetration—digital—receiving", "Clitoral massage—digital—receiving", amongst several others, and she intuitively knew what the different colors meant.

Alex loved lists and categories, and the cop knew that, which is why she thought this would be a good idea, but when Olivia's eyes met the blonde's in order to continue speaking, tears were building up in her waterline. The older woman immediately shifted her attention from the work in front of her and turned fully to face the prosecutor, placing both hands on each of her knees. "Oh, sweetheart, we don't have to do this. We don't have to— Baby, it's okay. I just thought…"

She stopped speaking when Alex began shaking her head, rubbing at her eyes. "No, honey, I'm not…I'm not upset. I'm just. I'm just really moved by this. That you would…go through this much trouble."

Olivia's voice grew soft, reverent. "Of course." She helped the woman she loved wipe away the rest of her tears. "I didn't mean to spring this on you, though, so if it's overwhelming—"

"It's just putting these different actions in categories, like a traffic light, right?" Alex squeezed Liv's bicep, seeking to slow her racing thoughts.

The detective bobbed her head up and down. "I thought it would be a good idea to do together, as a way to facilitate this conversation. Kimani and I came up with it today, and I was just kind of excited about it. I don't want you to feel—"

"—I don't feel pressured."

"And it doesn't mean—"

"—It doesn't mean we have to try any of this any time soon, I know." Alex gave her girlfriend a comforting smile. She knew the script. She'd internalized it, just like the one she'd previously operated off of, the one that discouraged any kind of emotion, any kind of connection, and definitely any kind of love. This new script encouraged patience, self and mutual respect, as well as open, honest communication. "I'd like to have this conversation if you still want to," the ADA said to the brunette, leaning into her for a moment, "that way when we decide we're ready, we already have a roadmap—or a traffic light. I just got emotional because I love you," Cabot promised, receiving a hum of empathy from Olivia. "And I'm grateful to be able to do this with you."

"Me too." She leaned in to press her lips against Alex's, and the women took a few seconds to bask in the gratitude, and then the attorney gestured for Olivia to continue explaining the process she'd co-created. "So, I think it's pretty simple, but tell me if it sounds confusing. So, the idea is we take these flash cards and place them in a column based on how comfortable you are with the idea of doing what's on the card. Green means comfortable, so you'd do it now or fairly soon, yellow means sort of in the middle, so one day, and red means a really long time or never. It's all hypothetical and subject to change though. We tried to be exhaustive with these, but if you think of anything you want to add, I have extra cards, and if there's any you don't want to talk about, we can just put them aside for now." She bit her lip. "What do you think?"

"I like it."

"Yeah?"

"It's very me," Alex commented.

Olivia laughed. "Yeah, I thought so. Where do you want to start?"

"Um," she thought aloud, "let's do greens first, and go from there."

"Sounds good," Liv said softly, uncapping the glue stick. She had a few suspicions about what would go in each column, but ultimately, she wanted to clear her mind and be guided through the exercise by the woman she loved. "And we don't have to do it all right now. Just let me know if you need a break."

"Mhm," she agreed, somewhat absentmindedly, as she was already scanning the cards in search of the first one she wanted to place under the word "green."

Olivia misunderstood her hesitation. "Sweetheart, if nothing is green yet, then that's okay."

"No, I have greens, I mean, usually I do. We've even done some of these things. I just keep seeing reds."

"Do you want to back up and start with the reds, love?" Benson asked gently, tucking a few pieces of hair behind Alex's shoulder. "Just to get it out of the way, and then maybe the greens will become clearer to you?"

She nodded. "Um." She took a deep breath. "All of the receiving penetration ones." She watched as Liv picked up three cards and placed some glue on the back of each. "Actually, do you think we can put the digital one in between yellow and red?"

"You mean like orange?"

"Yeah, I guess." She chuckled sheepishly, inhaling through the slight embarrassment. "I told you I wasn't an artist. Are we going to display this somewhere?" she questioned after a moment.

"No!" the brunette assured her immediately. "Unless you want to," she added in response to the unreadable look on Alex's face.

"No, I don't want to!" a red-faced Alex asserted with a good-natured shove to her girlfriend's arm. They laughed together for a bit, and then Olivia finished pasting the three flash cards onto the poster board. "Okay," the younger woman sighed. "I'd also like to add penetrative sex with a strap-on—giving to the red column, as well as any kind of bondage or power play." She worried her lower lip for a moment, realizing this wasn't anything they'd discussed. "I hope that's okay."

The cop wrapped an arm around her, pressing her lips against her temporal pulse and letting them linger, kissing in time with the beat under Alex's skin. "Of course it's okay. This is all okay. Wherever you are is okay, baby." Alex already knew this was true, but the conversation was poking at some not-quite-closed-wounds. "Is there anything else you want to put in red?"

"Not right now."

Liv took her time gluing several flash cards to the "red" column. She'd purposefully given yellow and red more space than green because she and Kimani had made the educated guess that there would be more cards populating those categories than green. "It kind of looks pretty," she said to the woman she loved, succeeding in lightening the mood. "Maybe we should display it."

"Moving on," Alex expertly segued, unwilling to even entertain her girlfriend's joke, but she still felt butterflies moving about her abdomen at Olivia's goofy grin. She identified a few cards that needed to go in the yellow column, before examining each of the remaining activities in front of her. "The rest of the giving is is green," she announced after a few seconds of considering her options. "And the rest of the receiving—" She cut herself off, catching Olivia studying her intently out of the corner of her eye. "Well, except—Hmm," she pondered. "Does green and yellow mixed together make a color?"

"Light green," Olivia supplied with a chuckle.

"Works for me," Alex decided. "Receiving oral sex is light green."

"Hey, we got all of them," the older woman commended, patting her on the thigh after she glued one of the last six cards to the board. Cabot smiled, proud of herself, rubbing her girlfriend's back as she finished their project. "What do you think about this arrangement? Looks right?"

She nodded, a little dazed. Though there were admittedly lots of cards in the yellow and red columns, she was pleasantly shocked to realize the greatest number of them were under the word "green." "What about you? How do you feel about it?"

"Well, first of all," Olivia emphasized each word, wrapping both arms around her partner, "I am astounded by how far you've come. I mean," she continued gushing, "look at this. I know it's just hypothetical," she disclaimed, "and once we try a yellow, it could become a red, and that's fine, but—" She shook her head in amazement. "The fact that you were even able to sit with me and do this. A year ago, all you felt comfortable talking to me about was a coffee cup. And now…you just said the words 'receiving oral sex is light green'."

Alex cracked up immediately, covering her face with her hands. "How long did you and Kimani spend on this rainbow of sex?"

"Most of our session, but in the interest of full disclosure, I just suggested this—Kimani fleshed it out. And for the record, it's not 'Rainbow of Sex'. It's 'Green, Yellow, Red.'"

"Speaking of our progress in communication," Alex heaved through laughter as Olivia began tickling her ribs, a thought striking her, "can I change the subject?"

Abruptly, the detective stopped her careful torment. "Sure. What's up?"

"I, um," she started, clearing her throat. "I would like to ask you for something." Why did she sound so formal? It was Olivia! It was just Olivia. The ADA took a deep breath, affording herself patience, knowing expressing what she wanted would be a skill she'd have to work on for the foreseeable future. "I mean, I have an idea about…something."

Liv interlaced their fingers, smiling softly at the way her girlfriend was allowing herself to be vulnerable even in the face of obvious anxiety. "You know I want to hear all of your ideas," she murmured.

The younger woman nodded, hyping herself up with a small bob of her head. "This is ridiculous," Alex prefaced with a gentle laugh, "so don't say yes just to make me happy."

Though somewhat confused, the detective could tell this was a lighthearted ask, so she wasn't worried at all, but her brow furrowed just slightly as she chuckled out, "Okay?"

Cabot bit her lip, squeezing her partner's hand and averting her gaze, blushing. "I've always wanted a cat." Her eyes darted back upwards, meeting Liv's amused orbs. The older woman was laughing now.

"Al, you don't need to be nervous about telling me that," the brunette told her lightly. "The worst I could do is say that I don't want a cat, baby," she explained, a little more serious. "But that isn't the case. This is a great idea."

"Yeah?" Alex's eyes widened, and she leaned her forehead against Olivia's shoulder, wanting to hide her embarrassment.

"Yeah!" The cop wrapped her arms once more around her partner. "It would be a great anniversary present to give to each other."

Less than twenty-four hours later, the women were at an animal shelter, looking at a whole bunch of hopeful cats and kittens. Like Alex had her entire life, they longed for safety, for love, for companionship.

"This little girl is a rescue," one of the employees said to the prosecutor when she noticed Cabot was staring at a particularly puny kitten, who was curled up in the back of her kennel. "She's four months old, spayed, and she was taken from an irresponsible breeder, where we know she was neglected and likely abused."

It took a moment for Alex to avert her gaze from the bright green eyes that were cautiously locked on hers. "What's her name?"

The shelter employee checked the label on the top right of the kennel. "Sandra."

Alex practically lept for joy at this information, turning to her partner with glee. "Ooh! Come on, Liv, she's meant to be ours!"

Benson was enjoying this playful, almost childlike behavior from Alex. She was starting to genuinely enjoy life, and it was something to behold. The detective raised her eyebrows incredulously, but she kept a small smile on her lips. "You think a cat is meant to be ours just because she has the same name as the first female justice on the Supreme Court?"

Like a petulant child, the lawyer placed her hands on her hips, scoffing jokingly with a smirk. "You don't?"

"Yeah," Olivia relented, her smile widening, "you have a point."

She always did.

A few days later, Olivia left the bedroom to find Alex sitting with Sandra in the corner of the living room. The kitten had warmed up slightly to the older woman, but was generally more comfortable with Alex. She was lighter on her feet, and her voice was softer—the blonde had begun using the Olivia Benson voice on the small cat, something the detective had yet to do. Sandra was willing to get incredibly close to the younger of the two, but she still wasn't sure about being touched. She wasn't feral, just afraid, but Alex had decided to be in it for the long haul, to make the tiny feline her project.

"Oh, you lucked out, little kitty. It's a great day to be Sandra Day," she sing-songed, as she had been doing since that first car ride home. She reached out carefully to scratch the cat's ears, but she flinched away from her, cowering in the corner. "Are you scared, little one? I was scared when I first came to live here too. But there's so much love here, and you'll learn, you'll learn that you don't have to be afraid of it."

Benson would have stared at the duo for hours if she had the time. Alex's gentleness, her patience, and her care were astounding to bear witness too. Through her own brokenness, she'd developed an extraordinary ability to facilitate the mending of others. Though the kitten hadn't acquiesced to Alex's desire to pet her, she did unravel herself from the ball she'd placed herself into, and she sniffed the ADA's hand.

Alex heard her partner shift her weight behind her and looked up, finding unfettered emotion in her eyes. "What is it?"

"Nothing, it's just...watching you with the cat...it makes me fall in love with you all over again."

Cabot smiled mischievously, carefully standing up so as not to spook the baby. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Liv rested her hand on Alex's waist, bringing their foreheads together. "Also, it makes me incredibly jealous."

The attorney chuckled, taking a moment to watch Sandra walk towards the couch, hopping onto it and lying down, content. They had some time. "Come here. I'll give you some love too." Alex brought her hand to the back of Olivia's skull and then crashed her lips to the cop's, sighing happily and pulling her even closer so that their bodies were touching at every possible point. "Olivia," she panted once she'd pulled away. "I…I want…."

Though she was incapable of even a shred of eloquence in that moment, Benson nodded against her forehead, understanding gracing her features. "I know, baby." She wanted it too, but so much had been leading up to this. There was a pregnant pause as each woman stared into the other's eyes, pupils dilated and eyelids watering with need, with desire, with love.

"I'm okay, sweetie," Alex promised her, knowing all she could do was promise that she felt comfortable for the moment. Her emotional state had the propensity to change quickly, so she couldn't swear this would be a "successful" attempt, but what she knew would never change was the adoration they had for one another and their dedication to growing together. "I'm feeling very, very green," she added, making both of them laugh for a moment.

"I know," Liv whispered, her fingertips dancing across pale—but flushed—features. "I'm…I'm okay too," she confirmed for the woman she loved, who despite her obvious arousal, was looking at her with unfathomable concern.

In addition to the love and respect they had for one another, one more thing would never, ever change, and both Alex and Olivia would make it so.

Alex was safe.

Olivia was safe.

Together, in each other's arms, they were safe.

A/N: Thank you for reading! The next chapter is a BIG one.