A/N: OMG! This is PART 1 of the FINALE of Lose You to Love Me. I can't wait to read your response for this chapter. I actually like the outcome of this one and I hope that you guys do too. Thanks again to everyone who read my story and took the time to review it, it meant a lot to me and I don't think I could've pushed it this far without your opinions and insights into the series. It always gave me something to look forward to and I just hope this story taught you something about toxic relationships and about discovering yourself. Make your final reviews count so I can respond to them one last time. I always answer questions. Thank you.
Katy Kear: Yes! That chapter explained why Missy is the way she is and why she always gave Riley a hard time. I answered that a while ago, but there was more to it and you guys finally got to see what that was. And period sis! We should never push our beliefs on anybody. We should respect their choices for their own being and focus on our own - even though some people can be morally wrong. And Riley opening up to her mom was something she needed to do. It set up the events for this chapter.
Guest: I actually wasn't planning an epilogue for the series, that's why the opening for LYTLM was called Prologue-ish. It was called like that because it wasn't really a prologue, that scene was forshadowing Riley's emotional state - which came full circle in the previous chapter. I added it as an introduction because I wanted you guys to see what events led to Riley feeling that way. I might change the name of it, if I'm honest.
Guest: OMG! I was waiting for someone to say this. Here's a little assigment for you guys, I already answered whether or not Riley and Zay have a chance of being together or not in the future. It's sprinkled throught chapter nineteen Fights & Revelations. You guys are gonna have to look for it, but there's something that's linking them - I'll let you guys figure that one out. Also some of it is shown in this chapter. ;).
Hey: One hundred percent true! Riley needs to focus on herself. I love that my readers know a lot about astrology. QUEEENS! Y'all really out here making me proud. And, got i!. Riley is a Scorpio Venus in this fic and Lucas is a Scorpio Mars. Interesting.
Guest: Thank you, I'll be looking into them.
Guest: So interesting. Can't wait to see what they say.
Enjoy!
Chapter 23
Lose You to Love Me
i needed to lose you to love me
ooo
Riley nervously waited for Lucas at Topanga's. She had stolen her mother's key and waited till Katy closed the cafe before she could sneak in and have the place to herself. She had spent the entire day contemplating a decision that could change the rest of her life and now that she was finally going through with it, the nerves kept running up and down her body.
She thought back on her decision various times and tried to talk herself out of it, but every time she did, she felt like she was making a mistake. It didn't matter how wrong it felt to her, she knew she was doing the right thing.
Lucas was the love of her life, she loved him deeply and would do anything for him, but as Topanga had described him: he was toxic. And their relationship was catastrophic. She didn't know if she could survive another year or their vicious cycle.
As she sat on the couch waiting for him, she thought back on all of his mistakes. She thought back on his jealousy, his bitterness, his controlling nature, and every argument they've had since they started dating.
There were too many to count, too many scenarios to think back on, and too much pain to feel. She just hoped all of that pain could numb her for the rest of her life; till she no longer felt it.
She knew facing him after everything they've been through would be difficult. She hadn't talked to him and she knew her absence drove him crazy, but there was another reason she was hesitant about seeing him. It was an overwhelming feeling of sorrow. The sense that despite everything Lucas had said and done, she had somehow hurt his feelings.
Although Lucas had made things in her life dreadful and exhausting, Riley knew how much she meant to him. She knew what purpose she had in his life and he had told her many, many times he loved her. She just couldn't help, but fixate on how broken he must've been in the past few days.
It was heartbreaking anguish, and it tore at her every time she thought of him.
Just then the door to the cafe opened and a certain blonde with emerald eyes peeked his head through, the second their eyes met he released a broad smile and stepped inside. He rushed to her, excited to see her as if it had been the first time in a long time. Just then, he cupped her cheek and kissed her. "I'm glad you finally came around."
Riley didn't expect the kiss the first time, neither did she expect it the second time, but by the third peck, she had pulled away.
"Look," he began, "I know I screwed up badly and that even though you've forgiven me it's gonna take a lot for me to regain your trust. I just want you to know that starting now, I'm turning over a new leaf. I'll do anything you want. Anything," he stretched out his arms to show the length of his commitment to do anything by her. "Literally."
"Lucas..." she spoke halfheartedly.
Even though Lucas noticed something was wrong, he was too excited to let her speak. His mind was wrapped around the simple fact that they were back together and the emotions ran through him at an all-time high. "These past few days I was convinced you wanted to break up with me. What I did was unforgivable I know and I regret it, I do. I wouldn't blame you for being angry, but you need to know I was scared. Terrified. I love you and nothing scares me more than losing you," his hands trailed down her shoulders, passed her elbows, and to her hands, "I'm just really glad you took me back."
"Actually," she pulled away, staring back at his eyes. It was funny, she knew every shade of green his eyes had ever been and he knew every fleck of gold in hers, yet the current color in his eyes was completely unrecognizable to her. "Lucas, you should sit down."
He furrowed his brows, "Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm gonna be honest, I wasn't expecting us to do much talking. I got my dad to rent us a suite at the Moxy Hotel, we can head there now...catch up?"
She took a deep breath. He was too happy to see her and it pained her that she was about to put an end to it. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Is there something you wanted to talk about?"
"There is," she confirmed.
"Wh-what is it?" he stammered, unnerved by her hesitation.
"Umm," at the thought of continuing, the tear ducts in her eyes took full effect. "Oh my God, I don't know how to tell you this."
"Tell me what?" noticing the tears streaming down her cheeks, he wiped them away and stared at her cautiously, "Riley, what's going on? Are you okay?"
The brunette reached for him, taking his hand as he kissed her palm. Everything she had ever gone through, every threat, every outburst of anger she'd ever felt for him came down to this moment and she couldn't bring herself to follow through with it. She found herself sitting there beside him in silence wanting to back down, but she couldn't. She had to talk herself into doing the right thing, even if it meant dragging herself through the pits of hell. "I think we should break up."
He shook his head a little, trying to comprehend what she said, "...what?"
Saying the words alone had shaken her reality into something she'd never felt before. The words themselves didn't feel right attached to his name, but she reminded herself that it was being done for a greater good.
"You're joking, right? That-that's not funny." When she didn't smile, Lucas understood she was being serious. "Riley, no. What are you doing? We just got back together - "
"I didn't ask you to meet me here because I forgave you, I called you back to end - "
He stood up from his seat and ran both his hands through his hair, "That's bullshit. That's fucking bullshit. Tell me you're joking, th-this is a prank, you're messing with me, right? Babe, please tell me you're messing with me."
When there was no response, he chuckled. He chuckled in the way people do when they're trying not to cry. "You can't just do that... you can't just end things like this without giving me a heads up. If I knew you were feeling this way, I would've done something, I would've changed the way things were a lot sooner.."
She couldn't look at him. Even though he was promising the things she wanted to hear, a part of her knew they were broken beyond repair. "This isn't something you can fix."
"I can try," he suggested. "Riley, Riley, Riley, what do you want me to do? I'll fix whatever it is that's making you feel this way, just tell me and I'll fix it."
"You can't. I'm sorry."
He must've stared at her for a few seconds. He couldn't say anything, he felt like he was losing his grip on something far too precious and fragile in his life. After a few more seconds, when reality started to set in and he was beginning to realize what was at stake, he felt the inner turmoil rise. He spoke, his voice broken and deep, "C'mon, you don't gotta do this. You don't have to. Just give me another chance, just one more, please. Give us another chance."
A wave of doubt came over her, whispering thoughts and hopes into her heart, attempting to tell her they could work out. She was reminded of their dance together at Homecoming, their first conversation, their first date, and their first kiss, she thought back on the day they danced in the rain and made brownies together and he told her he loved her for the first time. They were very special moments that she loved dearly and wasn't sure she could let go.
However, as she looked at him she was able to acknowledge that she had already given him dozens of chances. Every argument she'd forgiven, every mistake he'd made that she purposefully overlooked was a chance, an opportunity to do better and he had failed to do so every time.
They were two different people who judged each other worse than any bully or critic. Nobody had hurt her as much as she hurt him and nobody had hurt him as much as he hurt her. Which added to the neverending list as to why they weren't good for each other.
"I already have. A hundred times. Ever since you found out about my past with Hayden you've been so jealous. It's like I'm not allowed to hang out with guys that aren't you. We argue like all the time and yes I love you, I do, with all my heart, this has been our relationship for an entire year. We fight, we kiss, and we make up without sorting anything out."
"But we always forget about it - "
"Do we?" she questioned, "'Cause I haven't. I haven't gotten over you telling my dad I got high even though you do it all the time. You did it to get me in trouble because you were mad at me for dropping your grade - "
" - that I don't care about anymore - "
"...and then you found out about Zay and how we were still friends so you beat him up for it. Because you were angry about everything I did to you before."
Even though she was right, he didn't want to give her the satisfaction. "That doesn't matter. That's the reason we work so well in the first place because no matter what we always get back together. Our love is stronger than anything."
"At the expense of our happiness..." she concluded as though it's a fact, not a question, or accusation, or theory. "What if we only work out when we're hurting each other's feelings?"
"That's not true. I'm happiest when I'm with you."
"Then why did you kiss Victoria, huh? Why did you hook up with Zuri?"
"We never hooked up," he clarified, but she didn't believe him. Zay had told her everything and Lucas denied it, but at the end of the day Zay had no reason to lie, he confessed the truth while Lucas did his best to drive her away from it. "And I was being an idiot. It meant nothing to me."
"And the other girls? Did you sleep with them because I wouldn't sleep with you?"
He looked away, unable to stare at her in the eyes.
She took this as a yes and remained silent as she willed an understanding smile.
"I regret it, you know that..."
"Like you regret hitting Zay or all the terrible things you've done?"
"Yes," he confirmed. "All of it. Look I'm not perfect you know that more than anyone, you know how my family is like. You've met them before. And I hate to admit it, but I got it from them. You know me, Riley. You know the kind of person I am and this is not me, this is what I can do, but..." he lost his train of thought. "And you keep pointing out what I've done, what about you? You haven't apologized for it."
"I am sorry for what I did to you, Lucas. All of it. It turned me into somebody I did not like and I regret it. That's why we can't be together," saying this lost his attention, he turned to look elsewhere. "I lost so much of myself dating you that I tried to hurt you. I wanted you to be sorry, what does that say about us?"
"That we love each other... a lot."
"A lot to hurt you?"
"Yes."
"That's twisted..."
"We're twisted," he confirmed. "That's kind of our thing."
"I don't like twisted. I don't like hurting you one day then kissing you the next. I'm tired of it, I have been for a while now and I know you are too. I'm not going to keep doing this if all it's good for is breaking my heart," her brown eyes were shimmering with unshed tears, all her anger and fear had melted into her last words, "I can't keep doing this anymore."
"Then let's work something out. Instead of breaking up let's take today to fix our relationship, to fix us?"
She had to be honest his suggestion sounded promising, but she needed to continuously remind herself why she was doing this. If she didn't she would succumb and return to their already established cycle.
"From now on we're not arguing. It's not an option, we're working through our differences and we're gonna be completely honest with each other. Okay?"
She stayed silent.
"Look, let me convince you you're making the wrong choice," he offered.
"How? I already made up my mind there's nothing you can do."
"Let me kiss you," he said. When the words left his lips, she felt a tingling sensation in hers and she was compelled to let him.
The second she nodded, he caressed her cheeks and stared at her longingly, trying to prove that their love for each other still existed and was just as strong. He brought himself closer to her, placing the tip of his nose along with hers and whispering multiple I love you's.
Lucas knew this could potentially be their last kiss, he knew it was singlehandedly one of the most important opportunities in his life and he didn't want to mess it up. He held her face with shaking hands and leaned forward, planting an intimate kiss on her lips.
He kissed her with the intention of reminding her how much he loved her. He wanted her to remember everything, all the good, all the love and hope, the passion, the promises, everything.
"Please," he begged, "Please, tell me you feel something. Tell me that you won't go through with it and that you love me. Please."
Although she wanted nothing more than to hug him, she knew the sensation of it would be different. He couldn't offer the same warmth and she would no longer be able to put him at ease.
She stared into his eyes, "Of course I love you," she confessed, "But we're not good for each other. Lucas, we'll never be good for each other."
He made a puzzled expression, unable to believe their kiss hadn't changed her mind. "That's bullshit - "
"It's not. It's the truth and you know it - "
He persisted, "Then why did we fall in love with each other? Why are you crying right now? Why do you still love me? Why do I still love you if we're no good for each other? It doesn't make sense."
She stayed quiet. His questions were valid and they made perfect sense, but sometimes doing the right thing feels wrong. She wasn't sure she'd understand that. "Can I ask you something? And can you answer it honestly?"
He furrowed his brows.
"Were you happy dating me? Were you genuinely happy?"
"Of course I was. Why would ...?" His words trailed off.
She stared at him knowingly, no matter how often he tried to lie to her she always knew the truth. "See. You weren't."
"Well of course I wasn't," he revealed, throwing his arms in frustration. "We were arguing all the time, you were threatening to break up with me, I didn't trust you, I was scared I was gonna lose you like I'm scared of losing you right now. How could I be happy? How am I gonna be happy now? If we're no good for each other why does breaking up hurt so much?"
"Sometimes the wrong people fall in love - "
"No," he cut her off, "Don't give me that. It's bullshit. I don't want to hear it."
"Lucas…"
"Riley," he spoke, but his voice broke. As the tears began to gather in his eyes and he could no longer hold them back, he turned to look away from her. Her gaze would only make him feel worse. "You can't be serious… one year," he stated, holding up a finger. "We've been dating for over a year and you just want to end it? No warning."
"All we've done is hurt each other," she informed, "Just admit it. You know it's true."
"Then it doesn't matter, I don't care. Break my heart, hurt my feelings, Riley, as long as it's just the two of us by the end of the night that's all I want."
"It's not what I want," she said to him.
He slammed his fist against the counter, "Have you been talking to Zay, is that it? Did he make you do this?"
"This isn't about him. Okay? This was my decision, I am making this choice all on my own."
"I don't believe you. I don't. We haven't been talking for like a week you guys apparently talk every night, he could've fed you some fucking lies about me - "
"Lucas, please." She stared at him, not knowing how to prove him otherwise.
He didn't want to focus on the thought any longer, he refused to believe that the love of his life wanted to end their relationship. She was the most important person in his life and he depended on her for many things that nobody else, not even his family, could offer. He was beginning to feel like he was free-falling and he wouldn't be able to catch himself now that Riley wasn't there to support him.
He studied her posture, the sadness in her eyes, and he realized the decision was entirely her own. The weight of realization came barreling toward him, knocking him senseless and he cursed in frustration.
Instinctively his hands went to the glass on the counter, he slid them off and watched as they broke into pieces. "That's some fucking bullshit! I should've known better. You've never been interested in working shit out with me. When you're mad you're stubborn and nothing can change your mind, here I am trying to fix our relationship Riley, but you don't care!"
"Of course I care," she fired back, noticing that he had lost his ability to keep his composure. He was angry and yelling at her and she needed to defend herself. "Lucas that's exactly why I'm doing this. We're not good for each other all we've ever done is hurt each other that's why this needs to end."
"This needs to end 'cause you caught feelings for Zay - "
She was taken aback by his allegation, "That's not true."
"It's not? Then what exactly would you and Zay do when you met behind my back late at night?"
"We didn't do anything."
"Did you guys fuck?" he asked, accusingly.
"What? No, we didn't."
"I don't believe you."
"Lucas..."
"How exactly do you expect me to believe you then? You think I didn't notice how fucking friendly you guys were a few weeks ago? That's why I told Zay to stay the hell away from you. I'm not blind I knew something was going on between you two!" He shouted, his voice dripping in acid.
"What are you talking about? Nothing happened between me and Zay. At all."
"Don't believe you."
"You don't believe me?"
He shook his head.
"Well then do you want to know what we really talked about?" she asked.
"Please."
"We talked about us," she gestured to the two of them. "And how we argued all the time."
He stayed quiet. "And then you say he didn't give you the idea to break up with me?"
"Because he didn't, that was my idea."
All Lucas could feel at the moment was anger. He was convinced Zay had something to do with it and he wasn't sure Riley could change his mind, there was too much evidence that pointed him in the opposite direction of her claim. And when Zay confessed he still had feelings for her everything made perfect sense. He somehow manipulated Riley into ending their relationship and he was mad at her for giving up on them so easily; without any effort to make it work. And he started taking his anger out on her. "I'm glad I cheated. You were a waste of fucking time, I should've known better."
"What?" Riley's hand went to meet her chest the second she was able to process his words. Their hearts were no longer beating at the same tune, it felt as though their minds were thinking the other away; breaking the bond that had been created over a year ago.
The guy Riley had fallen in love with was becoming something she wasn't sure she could stand.
His hands were balled into fists, she could see the veins under his skin
"I'm an idiot for thinking this could work. I tried so fucking hard to keep us together and..." he shrugged, "For what? So you could end it with some lame speech about deserving better? I love you, Riley, I do and I would do anything for you, but this is some fucking bullshit. I hate this shit, bruh!" He kicked the couch beside him, "You hooked up with him, didn't you?"
"I already told you, I didn't sleep with Zay. He's my friend."
"I don't believe you."
"Yeah, you never do and then you argue why we should be together," she spat. "I can't believe you said that."
He scoffed, "Can't believe you fucked my best friend."
"I didn't sleep with him!" she yelled, glaring into those dark embers shamelessly. "I didn't beat him up either, but you did!"
Riley didn't understand why Lucas had abruptly started attacking her. A few minutes ago he was being sweet and begging for her, but now he was back to his old ways. She started seeing his true colors, colors that had always been there but always hidden and she was confident she didn't like them.
"I love you," he reminded, but this time it sounded forceful.
"You don't cheat on someone you love." He scoffed yet again at her words and she continued nonetheless. "You don't send nudes to another girl if you're in love with someone."
"This is your last chance to think about it carefully," he advised. "Do you really want to break up - ?"
"I really do," she cut short, she had never been sure of anything like this before.
"After everything we've been through?!" Lucas yelled.
"You mean after everything we've put each other through," Riley suggested. "We've hurt each other too much. The bad outweighs the good, we both know that."
Lucas' unshaven jaw flexed in determination. He reached for his pocket and pulled out his phone, he clicked a few buttons before bringing it to his ear and staring the brunette in the eyes. "Hey, Zuri, it's Lucas. What are you doing tonight? Oh, nothing? Are you home alone?" He nodded, the corners of his lips rising, "All right, I'm gonna slide in a bit if you're interested in...catching up if you know what I mean. You are? All right, see you soon." He put his phone away, "See, replacing you is that easy. I'll see you around, Matthews."
As he headed for the door, his shoulder brushed passed hers along the way.
"Lucas," she called out to him in shock. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah," he confirmed like there was nothing wrong with it.
"You're unbelievable," she replied despairingly.
He stopped, "One last thing, Victoria, and I hooked up yesterday. She, uh, she hates your ass, but we had fun enjoying each other."
Everything between them hung in the air and she watched him walk away. She felt herself wanting to cry and scream in despair, his words had torn through her heart and ripped her to shreds and she didn't have the energy to hold it in together.
All the soft kisses, the hugs, the beautiful conversations, and memories they shared stopped for a reason and despite everything, she was still grateful for the experience. But at this point, they were an open invitation to a floodgate of tears that she wasn't sure she could revisit just yet.
When he was gone and she was there alone, she couldn't bring herself to understand how they could share the same heartbreak yet feel a completely different range of emotions.
It only reminded her that the Lucas she fell in love with was not the same guy she had just broken up with.
ooo
Riley climbed out of bed and turned her phone on. She checked to see the time, it read 9:15 am. School had passed her by and she had no intention in going, she didn't have the energy for it. She was already dressed in a loose and oversized graphic tee that nearly reached her knees and her hair was wrapped in a messy bun to control the brown cascades she no longer had control over.
The more and more she succumbed to her sadness the more she felt her current attire represented her mood.
She walked into her bathroom and brushed her teeth. As she reached for her toothpaste, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror and sighed. She saw her tear-stained cheeks from the night before and darkening of her eye bags from the mascara she forgot to wipe from the day before. Her reflection was unlike anything she'd seen before, but she didn't care.
It didn't matter to her anymore. Normally, she would've taken a shower and been grateful that no one saw her, but she didn't even have the energy to care anymore. She wiped the mascara from her eyes and finished brushing her teeth.
She had already made a mental note and decided to dedicate the entire day to silently sobbing behind her locked door. Since she was alone in the comfort of her own home, she walked downstairs and into the kitchen. Her stomach was growling and the only thing she could bring herself to eat was cereal.
There was a note on the fridge:
Your mother and I are at work and your brother is at school. Let us know if you need anything.
- Dad
She sighed and at that moment another tear fell down her cheeks. It was that moment that Riley realized something, the only guy in the world who ever loved her unconditionally and rightfully was her father. And she spent the entire time with Lucas forgetting that.
When she made her way back into her room, she found the scrapbook she made for Lucas. She was currently working on it and planned on giving it to him the night of their graduation as a present, but he would never see it in his life. She started it on the day of his birthday. Even though they were going through a lot back in January, she loved him deeply and continued to work on it because even then - even if she didn't realize it - she always knew they wouldn't break up that time.
As she flipped through the pages, she started whimpering at their old memories. She still missed them, but she knew she shouldn't. He wasn't right for her, she knew that now.
By the time she was halfway through, she slammed the book shut and started sobbing. She hated that it hurt her so much, she wanted to be happy, but she wasn't. She was sad.
A few minutes passed and she pulled herself off the ground and moved towards her bay window. Her bay window was her comfort place inside her comfort place. It was the place she and Maya created so many memories. It was the place she found Isadora and the place their friendship was created. She brought her legs closer to her chest and hugged herself, thinking about both of them.
She was sure they were at school now, wondering where she was, probably asking Lucas if he knew. Given the circumstances, if Lucas showed up to school, they were likely to ask him about it. And given his mood, they might've seen his true colors.
Colors she had seen since the first month they started dating but swept under the rug because she was so fascinated by Lucas.
If only she knew what having him in her life would entail.
That night, as expected, the trio showed up at her house. Maya, Isadora, and Missy rushed into her room with expectant eyes, wondering where she had been all day and why she wasn't answering her phone.
One look at them and her face fell, tears spewing from her eyes. She was in her bed and wanted to pull the covers over her head, but she couldn't hide it from them anymore. They deserved to know.
"We broke up," she said to them.
Judging from the look on their faces, Riley came to the conclusion that they didn't know. Instinctively, they sat on her bed and hugged her. Wiping and sniffing her nose throughout.
When they were done comforting her, they sat in her bay window once again. This time they were asking the who, what, where, when, and why of it all.
"It happened last night," she revealed, playing with the sleeves of her oversized cotton sweater. "I invited him over and that's when I told him."
"I thought everything was perfect between you guys," Maya asked. For a short period of time, she felt like they were arguing, but that time had passed months ago. Everything from the coming weeks had convinced her otherwise. She genuinely thought they were happy.
"It wasn't ...um," the second she felt like crying again, Maya pulled her in for a hug. "It was actually pretty toxic."
"Toxic," Isadora asked, curiously. "How so? How was it toxic?"
"Lucas, he'd...he was really jealous and possessive and it got to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore. We went months and months of constant arguing and constantly hurting each other's feelings that it got out of control. He did things that...I just don't think I'd be able to forget. I had to end it before it got worse."
Maya's eyebrows furrowed, "What kind of things did he do?"
She negotiated with herself, questioning whether she should tell them. She'd been keeping it a secret for months now and telling them now felt right, she knew they had to know. "He cheated on me."
Their jaws dropped in astonishment. "When?"
"I don't know exactly when, but I found out a week before his birthday party."
"That was four months ago," Isadora informed, "You've known for four months and you're barely telling us now?"
The brunette nodded timidly, "I know."
"Who did he cheat on you with?" Missy inched herself closer to them. She was just as interested and confused as they were.
"This girl named Zuri. She's a sophomore, I think. I don't know if they hooked up or not, but Zay told me that they would hang out at parties and disappear for a while. I thought I could forget about it when I found out - and I did for a while - but I couldn't see him the same. Everything was just...different."
"So Victoria...?"
She laughed bitterly, "Yeah, her too."
Maya was shocked to hear this, "So he cheated more than once?"
"What an ass," Isadora cursed. "Why wouldn't you tell us?"
"I didn't want you guys to know. I was trying to protect him and if I'm being honest I didn't want to believe it. I was hurt and embarrassed."
"He's the one that deserves to be hurt and embarrassed," they countered, "Riley, you're our best friend. When things like this happen, you tell us, so we can handle it."
She nodded, taking their hands. This was the kind of support she needed and shyed away from because of Lucas. "I love you guys."
"You know we got your back. On anything."
She held their hands and smiled. She was so happy her girls were there for her in the end. "God, it feels like I've finally taken off my blindfold, you know? I see him differently."
She spent the following hour telling them everything that went wrong in her relationship with Lucas. She disclosed everything from his jealousy to their arguments. She also spoke about his relationship with his dad and how she believed that influenced his behaviors. By the end of the day, the trio walked out with everything they needed to know.
And they hated Lucas for it.
A few days ago she would've feared this, she would've tried to convince them otherwise, but she didn't care now. She knew what he did was wrong and she couldn't lie to everyone anymore. The people who truly loved her needed to know the kind of things he put her through.
Even if it meant they would hate him. He wasn't hers to protect anymore.
ooo
Riley hadn't had any intentions of laying out of school the next day. Yet somehow she had awoken in the middle of the afternoon to find that half the day had already passed her by. She sat up in bed, her knees to her chest as the events from the night before flashed like glimpses of memories. She vaguely remembered breaking up with Lucas and discussing their situation. They had agreed to end the relationship, but not on the terms she had expected.
Lucas resorted to hurting her feelings and confessing things she never expected he would do, even though he'd confessed to cheating on her in the past, Riley believed him when he said he'd never do it again. But just like before, he had fooled her.
The thought of Lucas sleeping with Victoria and picturing them in the same bed chewed away at her thoughts, it left an empty hole in her heart and she wished she could forget the pain, but she couldn't. She couldn't hide it either. She thought ending her relationship with him would push her in the right direction, that she'd start to see the world clearer and brighter, but when she did that she had skipped past the heartbreak and agony she would feel grieving their relationship.
She had no idea how long she had sat alone in her room, hugging her knees against her body, before her mother had come upstairs to check on her. Aside from being a diabolical genius in the courtroom, she was also a nurturing mother who would stop at nothing to ensure her daughter was okay. So she'd come bearing the wonders of Kleenex and Mint Chip Ice Cream.
She stayed in her daughter's room for a few minutes discussing how the brunette wanted to handle the situation. Topanga wanted to know how her daughter was coping with everything so she could help in any way shape or form. By the end of the conversation, Riley decided she wasn't going to do anything. She wasn't gonna let her parents talk to Lucas' parents, she wasn't going to let anyone talk Lucas into apologizing to her. She just wanted to move on from it without having to deal with its consequences. Of course, her mother believed Riley wasn't thinking clearly and that'd she'd reach the anger phase in a few days, but she insisted on her stance.
So they did nothing. They let their daughter grieve and hoped for the best.
The usually optimistic brunette supposed she had been in shock or denial. She knew she wasn't sad, she had experienced it before. Sadness was the feeling she lived with after arguing with Lucas, it was the feelings she felt whenever she was uncertain of their relationship and it was many other things she had felt dating him, but the sadness she was feeling didn't feel like it. Honestly, she wasn't feeling much of anything at the moment. She just felt…tired. Tired and Numb.
Of course, that didn't last.
The tears came later that night. As she laid there in the silence every memory came crashing down on her. They washed over her one by one; each image and emotion crisp, clear, and excruciatingly more painful than the last. She remembered kissing him and hugging him, the excitement she felt before seeing him, and every moment they'd ever shared.
And it hurt.
Despite the setbacks and turmoil, Lucas had fulfilled something in her life she had never felt before: love. In the year and a half that they dated, he had completely illuminated her already brilliant world. He had made her feel beautiful and brave, and she had gotten her first taste of romantic love. She learned about his troubling relationship with his father and encouraged him to show his emotions, she was there when Lucas told her he wanted to be a veterinarian rather than a football player and she was always there for him when he needed her.
And that's what made breaking up with him hurt so badly.
Ending their relationship meant ending all of that. It meant she could no longer see him in a way she had done for over a year, it meant that their time together would come to an end and they would eventually grow apart and meet different people.
She knew this would happen if they broke up, but now that she was feeling this for the first time she needed to process it.
It was scary and dreadful at first, someday she and Lucas would marry different people and never talk to each other again, but then she realized why she had to break up with him in the first place.
She did it for her own good. A few days ago, Riley realized she didn't love herself enough to break up with him. She always prioritized his needs above hers and dealt with the consequences of it, but now that she had followed through with it, she was going to prioritize herself and every decision she made was for her own good.
She gave herself the weekend to deal with every emotion she needed to deal with before she started her healing process. It was hard at first, she couldn't lie. She had moments of contradiction, she told herself she would never cry for him again, then five minutes later she would remember what it was like to hug him and she was back to square one. There were moments where she wanted to dance and have fun until she remembered how well she did that when she was with Lucas. She tried baking to calm her nerves, but then she remembered that she was baking when he told her he loved her for the first time.
Her recovery wasn't easy, there were multiple setbacks and she wasn't entirely sure she would ever be completely over him, but she could move on from him.
Isadora, Maya, and Missy played a huge role in helping her find her confidence. Isadora provided intelligence and determination, she was awkward and stoic at times, but she never cared about other people's opinions. She was too smart to let herself fall into an endless pit of insecurity so she guided Riley into embodying those traits of herself. Maya, who represented the wild, party girl next door, taught Riley how to exude carelessness and independence. She taught her the key characteristics in striving for herself and, if needed, she taught Riley what to do in case she was ever in a fight. But that mostly served for comedic purposes. And lastly, Missy, who had sought treatment for her bulimia and was building a better lifestyle for herself, taught Riley how to love herself and overcome her challenges.
Although they were dealing with different things, Missy and Riley found similarities in their obstacles. Missy was learning to love herself and her body after her mother bullied her for years and Riley was learning to love herself after she allowed herself to undergo an excruciatingly and toxic relationship. This created a bond unlike any other and she was grateful for the experience, Missy credited Riley as the reason she decided to get help which meant a lot to her.
On a random Wednesday, a week after Riley and Lucas had broken up, Lucas had posted something on his Snapchat Story that her friends insisted on hiding from her. They made Riley hand over her phone for her own safety, but she was curious as to what he posted. So she went on her phone to see the post and instantly regretted it.
Lucas had gone to a party and made out with a girl she didn't know, the video consisted of the two of them kissing while his hand gripped her ass. In the next video, the girl was grinding on him while he stared at her, mesmerized by her body. She set the phone down and cried. A few hours after that, he drunkenly called her to tell her he missed her and that he wanted to see her.
His words were like venom. He poisoned her and at the sound of his voice, she was tempted to do away with everything her friends taught her and run to him. He was in tears and desperate for her, but she couldn't let herself cave. She told him to call somebody else. He revealed to her that he loved her deeply and that he wanted them to get back together, but she hung up the phone before he could continue.
The next night, Lucas posted a video in which he was getting high.
Riley had told her friends many times that she wasn't keeping tabs on him, but the truth was, she was keeping tabs on him. She stalked his Instagram, his Snapchat, and Twitter to see what he was doing and it never made her feel good.
She couldn't believe it at first, she thought that he'd at least take some time to mourn their breakup, but he hadn't. He'd been out partying ever since she ended it and it made her question how much she mattered to him.
She was angry he wasn't sad, she was angry he wasn't heartbroken, and she was angry he wasn't showing any emotions. It was a huge setback that made her cry, but her friends were there to catch her.
They were there to remind her how much she mattered to people in her life that she genuinely cared about. Like her parents, her brother, and her best friends. Not some toxic boy in her life with daddy issues.
Truth was, Lucas had killed something inside of her. He had stirred her soul and manipulated her in a way she only caught onto after they had broken up. It was only when it was too late and the damage had been done that she realized how toxic he was, and how dating him was slowly killing her.
Lucas made her feel good, yes, but there was always a catch. Something always happened that took that happiness away and replaced it with something unexpected - something that completely ate away at the happiness she once felt. That had been one of the never ending cycles in their relationships and she was sure she wouldn't be able to tolerate it her entire life.
By the time acceptance swooped into Riley's life, she had learned how to carry on. She had learned how to be dependent of herself and only herself. She learned to love who she was and what to expect in a relationship, she wasn't going to settle for anything less.
"You look beautiful, Riley," her mother Topanga complimented from the door to her room.
"Thank you," she said back to her. She turned to her mirror again, there was a time she couldn't recognize her reflection. She was so broken and lost she couldn't see herself, now she was comfortable with it.
She didn't want to be the old Riley, that Riley was easy to manipulate and hurt, instead she was new and improved. A better version of herself and if she was entirely honest, that was the best thing she ever got out of her relationship with him.
"You ready?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "I am."
Time was supposed to be the healer of all wounds, and enough of it had gone by that the gravity of the universe made what seemed so large and irreconcilable feel small and insignificant.
She moved on.
And she was ready to see what else was in stores for her.
ooo
Riley ran in the misty, early morning, through the open fields of Central Park. She was at peace feeling the ground quickly pass her by and the soft caress of leaves and branches against her arms and legs as she followed her usual trail.
There wasn't any point to her run today - usually, she ran to distract herself from her heartbreak and angst (Lucas hadn't exactly left her alone since they've broken up and she needed ways to cope) but today was just for the sheer joy of breathing in the green air beneath the trees and feeling the sun on her skin.
She reached the lake, which sparkled a dark, clear blue, and put her hands on her knees to catch her breath for a moment before she stepped into the clearing. Looking around, she seemed to be the only one there, but some days she could almost hear the grand willow humming along to the tune of the wind. She walked over, slinging off her light backpack, and leaned against the wooden rails - mopping the sweat off her forehead.
It was so nice to get away from all the drama at school nowadays. She and Lucas had become the center of every conversation amongst their peers when word got out that he'd slept with Victoria. She'd hear the murmurs between the girls in the bathrooms and in the classrooms, she didn't have the energy to confront them about it because she no longer cared. She wanted to be as removed from the drama as possible even though it kept coming back to her.
"Hey," a soft and hoarse voice spoke.
She turned to the person beside her, he was wearing a Nike sweater with dark sweats and running shoes. When he spoke a gust of steamy air escaped his lips and rang a sound so familiar to her she could basically melt in her shoes.
"Thank you for coming, I know it's early."
"I don't mind," Zay answered. "I wanted to hear what you had to say."
The last time they spoke, he had rejected her thirteenth attempt at apologizing to him for getting him arrested. They were arguing and she was being too loud and the police arrived. Since Lucas had beat him up, the police thought he looked suspicious and they arrested him. The guilt ate her alive and she was glad she could finally speak her truth.
Her friend's support reminded her of somebody that had been there for her when no one else knew what she was going through. He was kind and observant and always made her feel better about herself, but something happened that ended that friendship.
And so her path to making amends began.
"I'm sure you know by now, but Lucas and I broke up," she said because the silence lengthened.
"I heard. People been talking about you at school and Lucas hasn't exactly been nice to me since."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"It's not your fault," he noted dejectedly. "Lucas has always been like this. I guess I just finally had enough."
She turned to him. She had fought for a chance to talk to him ever since their argument and now that she had that chance, she didn't know how to say what it was she needed to say. She took a deep breath and played with her fingers, brainstorming her apology "I'm sorry, Zay. About everything," she confessed. She'd never been sorry about anything like this. "I'm genuinely sorry you got arrested over something so stupid that was entirely my fault. You helped me in ways nobody ever has and I need you to know that not a day goes by where I don't think about it. You listened to me when I needed you the most and if I had done the same it would have spared us so much trouble. You are such a good friend, a great friend in fact, and I hate myself for using you to rant about my relationship problems. You didn't deserve any of it and when you realized it and told me to handle it on my own with Lucas like a normal couple, I freaked out and went crazy on you. I didn't mean to get you into trouble."
Listening to her apology sounded like a plea, almost like she was begging for his forgiveness. When he looked at her eyes he could tell that she meant every word and he realized then how much she regretted her past mistakes with Lucas. For the first time in their friendship, he felt like she was making an effort into getting her life onto the right path - which was away from Lucas.
"So I'm here now and I'm telling you that I will never forget how much you've helped me. You're the only person I told about Lucas when I was with him and I did it because I trusted you. I still trust you. You told me everything I needed to hear. I just couldn't listen," their eyes met. "So thank you and I hope that one day we can be friends again. We'll go to In-N-Out and talk about something that isn't my bad experience with boys."
He laughed. "We'll go to our usual place that overlooks the city and play heads up or something."
"I love that. It'll be like old times."
"I'm curious," Zay spoke, "What was the final straw? What made you realize you needed to end it."
She sighed, "Everything, but mostly my mom. She put my relationship with him into a different perspective and from there I guess I kind of realized what we had wasn't love. Or maybe it was, and it wasn't the right kind of love. And if I'm being honest it was meant to happen, I've taken this time to prioritize things in my life that really matter. And I feel great. I'm focusing on my health, both mental and physical - as you can see," she gestured towards the park, "I'm hanging out with my girlfriends, my parents and I are talking again, I'm getting ready for college...everything feels perfect and for once in my life, I'm in control. I don't need to worry about upsetting someone, I don't need to worry about what I'm wearing, who I'm with, whether or not he's texting me, I can finally breathe," she smiled. She felt like she could shout it from the New York rooftops and fly into the sky, "I can finally breathe."
"That's great to hear, Riley. I'm proud of you."
"And I'm so thankful for you. I finally blocked out the noise and started listening to your advice and now everything is clearer and this is all thanks to you." She turned to hold both his hands. "I know I already said this, but I'm gonna say it again. Thank you. Really."
He looked at their hands, they were gripping his tightly like she was scared to let go, but excited to hold on.
The more he looked at her, the more he realized that they'd been through so much together. He helped her through a lot and as a result, he suffered a consequence that she had spent the past few minutes trying to apologize for. He cared about her, yes, but their time had passed.
"You know, Riley I never really told you this, but…" he chuckled at the thought and her reaction, "I used to have this huge crush on you in elementary school."
"What?"
"I know," he smiled. "I would always try to sit next to you and talk to you, like all the time. I remember getting so jealous when Mr. Honey, our third-grade teacher, made Lil Thomas your end of the year partner."
"Really?"
"Yes," he confirmed, "And then on Valentine's day when he'd give us time to hand out our cards to people I would make sure you got the biggest candy out of everybody else. I was trying to impress you and I thought that would do the trick."
The corners of her lips curved upwards, "I had no idea."
"I don't blame you, I'm very good at keeping things low key."
She still couldn't process the thought, "Wow, I'm mind blown. That's crazy."
"I know."
All of Riley's childhood consisted of one boy's attention, Lucas. She didn't know that being wrapped around his finger was distracting her from another boy. Zay. "When did it stop?" she asked, curiously.
"Bout two weeks ago."
Her smile fell, "Two? Just two? So this whole time…? This whole time you've been helping me you've also had feelings for me? Zay - "
"Can you blame me?" he questioned, "Riley, you're beautiful. There's no denying it, I'm not blind. I'm staring at you right now, I can see why Lucas fell in love. And aside from looking beautiful, you are beautiful. You have a big heart and I always liked that about you."
When the words left his mouth, Riley jumped at the chance to kiss him. His words sounded perfect and made her feel a way that no guy besides Lucas was capable of. And the fact that they were Zay's words, a guy who she knew would never treat her the way Lucas did and would never let their relationship be destroyed by something so small and petty, made her feel like Zay had been the missing piece to the empty void she still felt. The thought alone made her do something she didn't know she needed.
When their lips met, Zay pulled away quickly. He stared at her eyes and he saw that she wanted the kiss. Had this been a few weeks ago, he would've reacted differently. "I said liked. Past tense."
Her face fell, "What?"
He removed her hands from his cheeks, "Riley I liked you. Up until two weeks ago."
"So you don't… anymore?"
He licked his lips, "When I found out about your relationship with Lucas and how toxic it was I wanted to help because I liked you. I couldn't stand him hurting you like that so I did what I could to help you. I was there for you because you're a great girl Riley, you're kind and optimistic and I loved that about you. And when you told me he cheated on you with Zuri, I thought, okay this is it, this is finally it, she's gonna end it. She has to. I started brainstorming ways I could ask you out, at a time that felt right, but then you forgave him and you got back with him. And then the arguments didn't end and I started to realize this was a cycle that kept on happening. That no matter what, no matter what he did, you'd go back to him. I thought that that night I could end it, but you got upset and the police got involved. When I was in that cell I realized that I couldn't help you. You were stuck...because you loved him and I wasn't enough. And I lost feelings."
She wiped the tears from her cheek. Zay had always been there for her when she needed him.
He was the quiet hero of her tragic love story, he was always there waiting between the windows, ready to catch her if she was unlucky enough to fall.
And he did many times.
"I just want you to know that I would've treated you a thousand times better than he did. Riley, you're rare, and you deserve to be treated like it." He took a few steps back, giving her time to think about his revelation. "Being friends isn't the best choice for us right now. Lucas is…" he took a deep breath, "He's dealing with things his way and school's ending soon so we should focus on that. We're gonna move on and do better things, but maybe sometime in the future, when we're older, and we see each other around New York, we can get a cup of coffee and catch up?"
The tears in her eyes built up like an ocean and she didn't want to blink because the tears would flood through. Saying goodbye to Zay brought a different kind of pain she hadn't felt before. It was a hard one to get over, but she knew she had to. He had just confessed something to her that she had no clue about whatsoever and saying goodbye would be hard.
It made her rethink her life and question everything.
How different would her life have been if she danced with Zay the night of Homecoming instead of Lucas? How different would things be for her if she dated him instead?
She felt like she could lose herself just thinking about it and it made her feel like she had missed out on something great.
A guy she knew would treat her right if she gave him a chance was sitting under her nose the entire time, but she was so blinded by someone else that she didn't see it. And now that she had, it was too late. The opportunity had passed her by.
"That sounds great."
He smiled, "I'll see you around, Riley."
"See you around, Zay."
oOoOoOoOo
A/N: Okay, I felt like this was a good place to end part one of the finale. In this chapter, you guys finally got see the Rucas breakup (thank GOD!) and how Riley dealt with it. I also wanted Riley and Zay to talk things out. These were all moments the entire series has been building up to since chapter one and I hope you guys aren't dissappointed with this chapter at all. This was the direction I've been heading towards since April when I finished planning the entire series. I'm glad you guys are finally reading it. YAYAY!
The reason this chapter was mainly focused on Riley was so that it highlighted her road to recovery and her emotions as realistically and close to her character as possible. In a toxic relationship, the way both parties handle the breakup are extremely different. The victim will work on finding themselves, or focusing on the part of them that allowed them to stay in something so toxic, while the toxic one will find it harder to move on. (I also feel like gender plays a factor in this - but these are the basics). The victim will find ways to make up for everything they endured in their relationships like focusing on their mental and psychical health, surrounding themselves with people they care about, and practicing self love. The toxic party, on the other hand, will find it extremely difficult to move on. They have this mentality where they control their significant other and now that they don't have that control, they'll become reckless, hostile, and spiral out of control. (Some of the times.) There's also a lot of vulnerability that takes control. So you guys can imagine how Lucas will react in the next chapter, which will highlight his reaction in the first half.
The other half builds up to the finale and things will essentially wrap. I'd give more information on the second half, but I don't want to give it away. Let's just say: it's sort of sweet.
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