27 Spring, Year 3

Public opinions

I wait until Saturday. It's harder than going through the mine, but I wait. Think about things. Water my crops and think. Milk my cows and think. Feel stupid, and think some more.

On Saturday, I go. He generally doesn't come down from his apartment all day on Saturdays, but the door is open in case someone comes into the clinic. I walk up the stairs by 11 am and, before I change my mind, knock on the door.

Normally I just go in, knocking as I go, so it's not unexpected that it takes a minute before Harvey opens the door.

"Hi." I try half-heartedly to smile.

"Good morning. Come in." Harvey is also serious. Great start.

I go in and close the door behind me. On the table is a medical magazine, with next to it a cup of black coffee. He sits back down, skimming the magazine without picking it up.

The first thing I do is set a small bottle on the table next to his magazine. It's no taller than my hand and contains a transparent yellow liquid, but has no label. My clients provide their own labels for these.

Harvey looks at it for a moment, then apparently decides he can't really refuse to pay attention to it – or maybe he suspects something – and picks it up.

"Oil?"

"Smell it."

He twists off the top and immediately I see his eyes go wide. The smell is quite potent. He cautiously sniffs the bottle.

"Truffle oil?"

"Not the kind you get at the supermarket. Pierre refuses to buy these from me because it's so big of an initial investment he says it would put him out of business. I've had to find a reseller in the city to sell it to restaurants. Turns out the stuff you have in your cupboard has never even been next to a real truffle."

"But... how did you know...?"

I shrug.

"Even the supermarket stuff is hideously expensive. I happened to spot it in your cupboard at some point when you were getting sugar and figured that if you'd forked out for it, you must really have wanted it. And don't you go saying that you can't accept it or anything like that, it cost me nothing."

Harvey shakes his head, possibly trying to look at the gift critically.

"So how do you want me to interpret it? Just something you had lying around that you didn't want?"

"Peace offering. Sigh of goodwill. Just a gift, whatever you like."

Harvey pinches the bridge of his nose, something I've never seen him to.

"Sit down, Evan. We both know that this is not what you're here for."

I sit down and wait. Harvey seems to be doing the same.

"So what, now we play the waiting game?"

Well, seeing him annoyed sure is a new experience.

"You have a grievance," I start. "I don't know what it is. You never want to come to my farm, so I came to you, but I'm afraid I don't know what to say. I don't understand what's going on."

"How about you tell me why you asked me to dance? And with all that back and forth with Maru and Penny. I don't understand the point of publicly embarrassing me."

"Embarrassing you? That can't be about the dance itself, since you dance with Maru every year."

Harvey looks away. I guess we got to the point quickly. I don't want to make this too hard either, so I figure I might as well tell him about my own suspicions. It's easier to debunk what other people think than to start from scratch.

"Look, I've told you a bit about where I came from, and you've given me some vague hints about you, but I don't have enough to go on here to be sure of what's going on. I don't want to make assumptions about people because... well, because they lead to stuff like this. You told me you moved here because you had trouble with your family, and that homophobic remarks weren't uncommon around where you came from. I have an idea that that might have something to do with this, but that's all I have to go on."

"You could have asked before."

"Every time I've invited you over to the farm, I had the intention of talking about this. It's a bit harder to get interrupted or accidentally overheard out there, I don't get anyone stumbling in at any random hour of the night."

"You mean because they need help? And because I am the person responsible for helping them? Evan, this is exactly why I can't go and spend a night out in the middle of nowhere."

"It's only twenty minutes away."

"People wouldn't know where to go looking for me. What would you have done the night Leah brought you in here if I'd been nowhere near? Where would you have started looking?"

He had a point.

"Well... you could have told me that when I invited you. I mean, that's a good reason, you've been giving me vague excuses."

"You've just tried to change my mind on this twice in two minutes."

"Yes, because now you're angry with me for something I could have known before any damage was done if you'd told me. Harvey... When you told me..."

I stop. I feel like this is going to be the core of the problem – he's tiptoeing around it – and if he wants to avoid the subject, I don't want to push him, but we can't solve this without mentioning it. I take a deep breath.

"When you told me... you're gay... I mean, that's what I understood there, correct me if I'm wrong?"

Harvey looks down at his hands this time. This is not annoyance. That right there is guilt.

"I've been trying not to assume anything about what all of that meant, man, but that was..." I sigh. "I guess at least I was pretty damn vulnerable back there. I'd hate to misinterpret all that, but you can see where I'm coming from here, can't you?"

"You're not exactly being clear yourself, Evan." His voice is soft now, though. "You're talking about interpretations and assumptions, but you're not naming them."

"I already did. Right here, downstairs in that bed. I fell in love with a straight man before. Have you?"

Harvey takes a very big breath, then lets it out slowly.

"I don't think he was, but I'll never know now."

"They chased you away?"

"I didn't give them the chance. Evan, I still don't understand what you were thinking at the flower dance."

I shrugged.

"Trying to gauge the public opinion in this place."

"If that was all, you could've asked any other man."

"Yeah, that sounds great. My options are Sebastian, who doesn't like people and is in love with Abigail; Sam, who is in love with Penny and whose father beat me up and threatened me to stay away from his family; Shane, who is a depressed alcoholic and also rude as fuck and I am seriously not up for that; Alex, the jock who looks down on me for having dirty shoes; and... Elliott, who I wouldn't be surprised if he turns out to be gay but is way too airy for my tastes and also I'm pretty sure he would've made a scene if I'd accidentally stepped on his toes or something. Sam is the only one I wouldn't have minded dancing with myself. Besides, I guess I'll have to admit, I've been trying very hard not to think about the possibility that... you... might actually not want me. With all your rejections I was getting just a little bit desperate."

Harvey looks away, obviously chewing on something. This will be the one thing he isn't comfortable with, then.

He puts one hand over both of mine, lying clasped together on the table.

"Evan, I don't think I can."

"Did you know the mayor has a thing with Marnie?"

Harvey frowns, confused.

"Where did that come from?"

"She wants to go public. He doesn't. He thinks it'll 'undermine his authority' in the town."

"What, did she tell you that?"

"I... overheard them talking. I was fishing and they just kind of happened to pick my bush to have that conversation."

"And you didn't leave?"

"People walk around the forest and chat with each other all the time. Leah and Elliott, Sam and Haley... Even Shane walks around every now and then. By the time I realized this was different, I'd heard too much, so I figured it would be better not to let them know I was there. I'm not going to tell anyone else, but... well. Don't you think it's a shame? No one will really mind them getting together, will they?"

"It's not the same." He pulls his hand back and I suppress the impulse to stop him. I don't know what to say. It doesn't seem to have any use to say anything.

"Okay."

I stand up from my chair and walk to the door. He looks at his hands.

"See you around, Harvey."

"Goodbye, Evan."

Around 8 pm, I walk into the pub. Most of the town is there. Harvey is too, but I ignore him.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen," I greet loudly. All heads turn toward me. Good.

I move over to the bar, pick a dry spot and climb up to sit down on top of it.

"I've got an announcement to make, so listen up."

"Let me guess, you've brewed Fern Island beer," says Maru, amused.

"Mead. Becomes a lot more interesting with some added lemon peel."

"How many bottles did you have?" asks Harvey, looking worried for more than just medical reasons.

"Half a one."

"Lightweight," Willy chuckles.

"Hey, don't distract me here, this is important. Listen up."

I wait a few seconds and get total silence in return. They're expecting to get a good laugh out of me.

"I am gay. And I want you to know that. And if you have any opinions on that that you want to share with me, I'm all ears, because I really like this town and I really like you guys, but I'm not staying any longer if I have no future here."

"What the hell are you talking about? We're not gonna make you leave over that," Maru bursts out, looking truly insulted.

"That's so wonderful!" Emily bursts out almost at the same time.

"If you think you would be harassed, I'm sorely disappointed in how you've got to know my town, Evan," Lewis says, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I just told Elliott I was sure of it the other day," Leah laughs. "Too intelligent and understanding not to be. He'll love to hear it, he seems to like you."

Well, there's that suspicion confirmed.

No one else speaks for a while; some people look uncomfortable. Shane looks annoyed, but that's just him. Then a plate connects with the counter next to me.

"Eat up, kid. On the house," Gus tells me, pointing at the Survival Burger on the plate. "Just get off my counter, you're gonna hit your head."

"What, that's all? No boos? No shouts? No insults? Come on, out with it. The truth!"

"Well, if you want it, stay the fuck away from me, sissy," Shane says in a loud mumble. He's not slurring for the moment.

"You'd better keep your mouth shut or you're sleeping in the chicken coop tonight, Shane. I won't have that kind of behavior around Jas," Marnie tells him.

"He just wants attention. He's fucking drunk. On half a bottle of wine!" Shane laughs.

"Not really," I correct. "I mean, I had half a bottle of wine. And I'm in love. And I know my guy isn't leaving here, so if I can't live together with him here, then I should stop wasting my time."

"Get off it, Evan," Lewis protests. "You are one of the most productive, helpful members of this community. The governor was in seventh heaven with our potluck soup last year, for the first time in ages, after you contributed something to it! If anyone gives you trouble, I will personally drag them onto the bus to the city and make sure they never come back." He looks suspiciously at Shane at that last sentence.

"I ain't doing anything to him. He asked for the truth. As long as he keeps his sissy hands off me, we have no problem," Shane says defensively, and takes a swig of his beer.

I see several people wanting to respond, but I stop them.

"Hang on, hang on. I've got this. Shane." I turn to the other town drunk. "You are the rudest fuck I have ever known. That doesn't surprise me either, because with all the beer you knock back in a day, you can't have a lot of brain cells left. So don't you worry: I don't want to touch you with a ten foot pole, and I'm sure I'm not the only one." I immediately turn back to the others, because I don't want people to keep on focusing on Shane. "Thank you all so much for your cooperation, you guys are the best." I jump off the counter – with a little extra step to keep my balance – and dig some coins out of my pocket. "30, 35, 45... 52, here you go, Gus. Thanks for the burger."

I grab the Survival Burger off its plate and walk out of the saloon.