There was a repeated banging sound that tore me from my blissful sleep and I lifted my head with a groggy feeling. Bellamy stumbled as he hurriedly climbed over me to his feet and scrambled around the room in search of some clothing. I gradually registered the noise as insistent knocking on the door as he finished fastening his bottoms and gazed at me with an irritated face. He ran a frustrated hand through hair before stomping over to the door as I raised into an upright position with a yawn. I caught sight of my naked chest as I finished stretching and just managed to pull the blanket into a bunch over my chest as Bellamy threw open the door with annoyance.
"Can I help you?" Bellamy spat in a gruff voice with his back to me and I spent a moment ensuring that I was properly covered. I rubbed my eyes sleepily as I leaned forward to peek at the door curiously, only to find Monty standing in the doorway. As recognition struck me and I shuffled awkwardly in an effort to subtly slide back out of view, he noticed me on the bed with wide eyes. He broke into a smug smile as he clocked me and returned his attention to Bellamy's dishevelled, half dressed appearance with a single cocked brow full of insinuation.
"Kane wants to see you for a report." Monty answered formally, although he visibly struggled to contain a smile as Bellamy nodded with a reluctant acceptance. Monty's eyes flitted back to me one last time with an amused smile before he finally wandered away, leaving me with fully flushed cheeks. Bellamy turned back to face me as he closed the door and I raised a brow at him in scrutiny.
"You know, I have a sneaking suspicion that you enjoyed getting caught." I accused as he flashed me a guilty smile and one hand came to rest on the back of his neck nervously. I laughed lightly under my breath at his confirmation as I tried not to consider the spread of this information now that Monty of all people had discovered us.
"I've gotta deal with this." He stated in an unenthusiastic tone as he strolled back over to the bed and perched on the edge. His gaze roamed my body with an obvious reluctance as he leaned closer into my space and it was clear that he'd rather stay in bed.
"It's okay." I smiled shyly as I slid myself closer to the edge of the bed to grab my underwear and noticed him flinch at the movement. "I've got a few errands to run anyway." I clarified as I started to dress myself and he furrowed his brows with concern whilst I slid my vest over my head.
"Are you sure you should be up and about?" He questioned and held out a hand to pause me in place so that I would meet his eyes. I grinned with warmth and although a part of me was frustrated at the continued implication that I should just stay in bed, I appreciated his protectiveness.
"I thought I'd shown you already that I'm perfectly fine." I suggested as I leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on his cheek and he relaxed at the contact. "I'm gonna need slightly more to wear than this though, don't you think?" I teased as he pondered me and sighed with a hint of disappointment at this idea. I frowned at him and he broke into a cheeky wink.
"Don't worry, I'm way ahead of you." He declared with a smile before he crossed the room in search of something and I waited with interest as he rooted around. "I had a feeling you'd be done with that dress. I picked up these to bring to medical for you when you were discharged. I didn't think I'd be breaking you out straight away." There was an amused tone to his voice which was obvious even across the room. He sauntered back to me and held out some clothing. Thankfully, I stood to take a pair of trousers from him and immediately busied myself with stepping into them as he threw something else onto the bed behind me. He waited just out of my reach, anticipating that I might need his assistance and I managed with a determination to prove that I was ready to go outside. He raised a brow at me in surprise as I buttoned them up and shrugged at him. He leaned over to the bed to pick up the item that he had discarded earlier and handed it to me with a poignant expression. I gripped the heavy jacket and immediately recognised it as I met his eyes with awe.
"It's not perfect, but I got as much of the blood out of it as I could. I thought you'd want it back." There was a casual shrug alongside his words in an effort to downplay his kindness. He wandered off to find a shirt whilst I slid the familiar jacket around my shoulders. The desperation that I had felt for it before was absent now that I had Bellamy himself back, but I still appreciated being able to hide myself in its oversized comfort. I suspected that he didn't mind the idea of my covering myself whilst around the others of camp too.
"What about you?" I asked as I surveyed his bare arms in confusion.
"We've got more guard jackets on the Ark than we have people left." He assessed with a disinterested attitude and I shrugged absentmindedly. When returned to me he was dressed in a black t-shirt and his usual bottoms. As he clocked me wearing the jacket he smiled in his usual charming manner and reached out to adjust it's position on me. "Plus, I like seeing you in something of mine." He expressed with a heart stopping smile and the slightest glint of playfulness. I giggled in embarrassment and he handed me a familiarly chunky pair of black boots.
"Ah, the beloved space boots." I chirped as I sat to put them on and I heard him cross the room to find his own. Once we'd finished getting ready to face the outside, he wandered toward the door but I grabbed his arm to halt him. "Wait, you still have bed hair." I sniggered as I observed his chaotic locks, which was more of a challenge with how much he towered over me and he met my eyes with an affectionate smugness.
"Oh, you think so?" He drawled. "You should see yours." He chuckled with a smirk as his attention landed on my hair. He indicated toward a mirror in the corner that I hadn't noticed earlier and I gasped at my bedraggled reflection. I neared the mirror with an open mouthed horror as I absorbed the bright red birds nest that sat atop my head.
"Oh my god, I can't believe you didn't tell me!" I stated accusingly and he chortled in the background. I returned my attention to my reflection and realised that I already appeared healthier than when I'd last seen myself. The colour had returned to my skin and I'd finally slept off the bags and dark circles that had taken up residence beneath my eyes. As I examined that area of my face, I was shocked to find a slight twinkle in my eyes in place of the vast emptiness that had been there previously.
I felt much more comfortable in the familiar combat trousers of the Ark. This pair were dark navy blue with an unnecessary silver zip on the outer side of each leg and under the huge cover of Bellamy's jacket I wore a black spaghetti strapped vest which would show several blemishes if worn alone. The boots were thicker and more padded than the old pair I'd been given at Mount Weather and I came to realise that there were some advantages to things being designed for space. The baggy bottoms tucked neatly into my boots and I was relieved to no longer have to concentrate on sitting like a lady. I fiddled with my gravity resisting hair in a fruitless bid to get it under control when Bellamy appeared behind me.
"I don't suppose you have a hairbrush in here?" I enquired hopefully and felt my heart sink when he shook his head in the glass.
"I don't need one, can't brush curls." He answered with amusement as he ran his fingers through his hair in a carefree manner and it fell easily into style. I huffed in annoyance at his natural beauty and sighed at my reflection as my hair refused to cooperate. He leaned down with a mischievous smile and kissed my cheek.
"Why don't you leave it?" He suggested as his breath warmed my cheek and I rolled my eyes at him. "It looks hot." He winked at me in the mirror and I turned to face him with a scrutinising look. I knew exactly what he was plotting but he still fruitlessly attempted to quickly cover his expression and forced his face into the picture of innocence.
"Haven't you advertised our antics enough this morning with Monty?" I commented as I crossed my arms at him and a devious smile broke through his facade. "I'm not going outside with this, I might as well walk around with a sign over my head saying guess what I've been doing!" I added and he chuckled as he left me to fix the damage. I met him at the door once ready to face the camp and as I reached out to the handle, he gripped my hand to halt me in place.
"Wait, you forgot something." He blurted in a convincing manner and I opened my mouth to question it when he pulled me into one last world spinning kiss. I couldn't help a contented laugh before we finally parted ways.
- O - O - O - O - O -
I hadn't even left the Ark before I was intercepted by a member of camp who informed me that Abby requested me in the medical unit and I gulped in dread as I walked there delicately. The moment that I entered the room I was met with Abby's disappointing eyes. I shuffled inside with a guilty smile and perched on the edge of a bed as I waited nervously for her to scrutinise me.
"I thought I was very clear about you not walking yet." She tuttered as she reached me and regarded me with disapproval. I could feel my heartbeat quicken in her company and gulped to contain my nerves. "So, what are you doing pottering your way into camp?" She interrogated with a motherly authority and I dropped my gaze to avoid her prying eyes.
"I feel fine, I wouldn't push myself otherwise." I chirped in the hope that my enthusiasm would convince her but she simply raised a brow at me. I was surprised by how intimidating she was and had to admit that this was not what I had pictured of Clarke's mother.
"I would've expected Bellamy to be more sensible, he certainly has done his best to give that impression so far." She probed in an accusing manner and I squirmed in my seat. I felt immediately guilty that I had stained the reputation that he'd been working on before I stomped my way back into his life. I reflected on the difference in his behaviour recently and wondered if this had been for the benefit of the adults that were here now, or simply a result of them taking the responsibility from his overworked shoulders.
"He doesn't know, I wanted for him to leave." I lied through my teeth in an effort to preserve his good impression and decided that I would happily take the blame for him. If anything, most of what had happened over the past 24 hours had been at my insistence and it didn't seem fair to blame Bellamy for my stubbornness. Abby inspected me and I held my ground, careful not to give her any reason to suspect me.
"Hmm, sounds like you're the one to watch." She expressed and I smiled playfully at her. She leaned me back onto the bed and rolled my vest up to access the wound. Although she had a tenderness that was comforting, she was also efficient and focused on her work. It was surprising to me that I found myself liking her already when I'd constantly clashed with Clarke. "What was important enough to be up and walking so soon?" She enquired as she viewed me with interest and I carefully considered my response.
"I wanted to check on some of the others from our camp, especially the ones who weren't in Mount Weather with us. I haven't met my quota for heartwarming reunions just yet." I detailed as I smiled in a peaceful way and realised that I already felt that I could easily talk to her. I was honestly excited to see the familiar faces and wished that I hadn't been apprehended so I could be with them already.
"I understand. I assume Bellamy has filled you in on who to expect?" She suggested in a heavy tone and I raised a brow at her curiously. Although we'd discussed some of what happened in our time apart, I felt as if there were specific losses that she was referring to and I couldn't recall any that he had mentioned. "Clarke's gone." She clarified and I widened my eyes at her in shock.
"What do you mean gone? I thought she was part of the rescue?" I asked in a confused tone as I started to bolt up and she firmly pushed me back down with a disapproving expression. I was sure that I'd heard Bellamy say Clarke's name just before I lost consciousness from the gunshot and I couldn't imagine why he wouldn't tell me if we'd lost her after that.
"She survived the attack, but apparently she couldn't face coming back to camp. We haven't been able to find her yet." She answered in a tone that tried to mask the hurt that she was feeling but it was still abundantly clear. I sighed as I processed this and found myself considering whether Bellamy was affected by his part in the mission.
"There's also Finn." Abby muttered and my attention shot to her face in a wave of panic. She noticed my expression and sighed reluctantly as she fidgeted on the spot. "He didn't tell you. Finn died. It was an impossible situation and it's not really for me to fill you in on. I just thought you should be prepared before you step into camp...not everyone is able to talk about it yet." She detailed obediently and I was surprised to find that even her eyes glinted with remorse. I couldn't understand how we could have lost him under the additional protection of the Ark and instead pushed the questions to the back of my mind as I nodded solemnly in response.
"Thank you for telling me, the last thing I want to do is upset anyone." I acknowledged as I considered the undeniable impact that this loss would have on Raven and I knew that she had been referring to her. "Is there anything else I need to know?" I immediately regretted my question even as the words left my mouth and found myself wishing that I had simply stayed in the blissful bubble of Bellamy's room.
"Well, Raven's alive but she has a leg brace now and I think she's struggling with adjusting to it. I've been advised that you were close before, maybe you can help her through it. Jasper's not been doing too well since returning to camp either." She listed and I tried to contain my distress as she kindly took the time to bring me up to speed. "And Jaha left with a small group to chase some ridiculous rumour, so I'm the Chancellor." She clarified and I raised my brows in shock before I noticed the small metal pin on her chest.
"Well, that's a lot to process." I muttered as I cleared my throat and she smiled in understanding.
"Take as much time as you need to acclimatise, you kids have been through a lot. Though I would recommend speaking to Bellamy for any of the finer details, he seems to have forgotten to update you on events." She suggested and I nodded in response. Whilst I appreciated that he probably wanted to enjoy our time together rather than wallowing on our losses, I felt that he had left me unprepared to rejoin our friends. Abby seemed to be almost finished with the wound as she applied fresh dressings and gave me a scolding look that made my stomach drop.
"The stitches are fine and I have to admit that you seem to be doing remarkably well, all things considered. However, the wound does appear to be slightly inflamed. I'm sure that I instructed the both of you to rest." She lectured and I felt my cheeks growing hot under her all seeing gaze.
"I must say Doc, I'm really feeling well rested." I divulged in a smug manner causing her expression to crack into a smile.
"You kids will be the death of me." She groaned in frustration but I noticed that her eyes twinkled even as she complained. "I'm not going to tell you to go back to bed as I know I'll be wasting my time, but strictly no strenuous activity. Take it easy." She ordered firmly and I reluctantly agreed to her terms.
Once I'd been released from Abby's care I wandered slowly through the camp in a bid to familiarise myself. It felt strange to be outside after the imprisonment of Mount Weather and I enjoyed the simple pleasure of the wind on my face. I inspected the small tents and makeshift buildings that surrounded the hulking structure of the Ark with wonder. It was an overwhelming sight and I felt myself basking in the relief of knowing that I was home with my own people again.
I navigated to Raven's quarters with nervous anticipation and tried to prepare myself for the changes that I'd been warned of. I wasn't sure what kind of greeting to expect or what state of mind she would be in. I tapped the door gently and took a deep breath before stepping into the cluttered mixture of work and living space. I could hear clattering and the sounds of her working, but I couldn't see any movement.
"Hey, I heard there was a feisty trouble maker in here, am I in the right place?" I called out in a playful tone as I prayed that we would be able to pick up our friendship as normal. I heard several objects drop abruptly and there were rushed footsteps with a strange creaking that fell into perfect time with them.
Raven emerged from the back of the space with a delighted expression and tore over to me as quickly as she could. She pulled me into a firm embrace and I didn't hesitate at all in squeezing her in return. We stayed for a few moments in our joyful reunion before she stepped back to regard me with a warm expression.
"It's good to have you back Indie, it's no fun being the only bitch in camp." She expressed and I couldn't stop a fond smile from creeping into my face. "Abby said you wouldn't be up and about for another couple of days yet, good to see nothing's changed." She commented with a lilt of amusement in her voice and I shrugged.
"We're not the type to lay around. You know how it is, things to do." I chirped as she nodded in agreement. She wandered over to a workbench and took a seat to continue working. Even from the limited time that I had known Raven, I identified that this was a sign of struggle for her. I felt that the foundation of our friendship was based on distraction or humour when either of us needed it, but I was unsure if there was much I could do to help with the level of hardship that she'd experienced since I saw her last.
"You can say that again." She remarked as she started to fiddle with tools again and gestured for me to join her. I strolled over to take a seat at her side and relaxed into her company. "You must be glad to be home after spending so long in that creepy bunker. After visiting there myself I can safely say that they get zero stars for hospitality." She mentioned as she cocked a brow at me in interest and I chuckled quietly at her choice of words.
"Yeah, it's a good feeling finding out the people you care about didn't die after all." I muttered gratefully and she hummed quietly in response. I kicked myself internally as I considered that this was selfish compared to her loss and tried to concentrate harder before speaking again. "I really missed this." I added in a sentimental tone and she sighed comfortably as she peeked over at me.
"Me too." She admitted with a fondness in her eyes before she returned her focus to her work. "Things have been pretty shit here too. I think we needed the morale boost of getting you all back." She disclosed and I could tell that she was avoiding meeting my eyes. I hadn't expected her to initiate conversation about events here first and took a moment to recover from her unexpected comment.
"Abby was filling me in a little, it really sounds like you had your hands full here." I started nervously as I tried to tread carefully and she nodded slightly. She was gripping her tools with an unnecessary amount of force and I knew that it would be a challenge to get her to open up. I could only understand a small portion of her pain after my experience of believing Bellamy was dead; I acknowledged that she had loved Finn for a large portion of her life and I couldn't imagine how agonising his loss was compared to my relatively short time with Bellamy. "How are you holding up?" I breathed as I leaned in to her and she flinched as she noticed my concerned gaze.
"I'm fine, I'm still alive right." She deflected without even glancing in my direction and I cleared my throat to prompt her to look at me. When she finally met my eyes, I furrowed my brows in sympathy and her controlled expression finally changed to reveal her vulnerability. "It sucks but I'm dealing with it. It's easier with Murphy out of camp." She confessed reluctantly and I couldn't contain the furious glare that overtook my face.
"Murphy's alive?" I snarled with more anger than intended and I battled to reign it in as she nodded in confirmation. This conversation wasn't about my anger and I had to remind myself that I was here to support her.
"Yeah, he ran off with Jaha after he was pardoned. I think he could tell that he wasn't wanted here." She answered bitterly and I felt myself balling my fists under the strain of my anger.
"Of course that little cockroach would find a way to keep going." I growled under my breath before I paused to take a long, slow sigh and closed my eyes. I forced the feelings to the back of my mind with some difficulty and when I next opened my eyes, I found her smiling fondly at my reaction.
"There's the Indie I remember." She drawled with a glint of appreciation in her sad eyes and I chuckled as I organised the information away to deal with later. "How about you? Sounds like it was pretty rough for you guys in there?" She enquired with concern and I brushed her off. Although I was willing to discuss the events of Mount Weather if she wanted to know, I felt that it was inappropriate to burden her with my feelings when I'd been fortunate enough to get my family back.
"It wasn't so bad. It was all cakes and clean clothes until they started killing us off. The worst part was thinking anyone who wasn't there had died at camp. Now I get you all back, nothing else matters." I smiled as I spoke earnestly and I noticed a flitter of pain cross her face.
"Not all of us." She sighed and I felt immediately guilty. My intention had been to express that I understood how blessed I had been but it seemed to have come across as gloating instead. I sat awkwardly for a few moments as I considered how to address the loss with her and she returned to working to fill the silence. It was difficult to tell if it was wise to directly mention it, or if doing so would cause her more pain. I decided to wait until she bought it up and felt confident that she would confide in me if she needed to. I didn't want to risk saying anything else that would worsen her suffering and considered what else we could catch up on to distract her.
"I saw Bellamy this morning." She commented in a falsely casual manner and my eyes snapped back to her as she viewed me with a meaningful look.
"Good for you?" I stated suspiciously and watched with a knot forming in my stomach as her features contorted into a sly smile. The sensation of dread crept down my back as I wondered what he might have told her. Bellamy didn't seem the type to intentionally gossip, but I knew that Raven was nosy enough to have weaned some information out of him without his notice.
"He's been a total dick the last few weeks…" She trailed off as if giving me one final chance to confide in her, but when I didn't take the offer she sighed in exasperation. "Seems like you fucked the attitude right out of him." She crooned as she leaned towards me with a mischievous interest and I gasped at her brashness.
"Raven!" I cried as I felt my cheeks flush hot and squirmed uncomfortably in my seat. "How did you know?" I whispered despite the fact that we were alone. Although I was happy to provide Raven with any distraction that she needed, this was not a conversation that I was willing to have with anyone.
"So it's true! I knew it." She breathed in a thrilled tone and I covered my face in embarrassment. I couldn't believe that I'd fallen for her trick so easily and I felt my cheeks burning my hands. "Well apart from the obvious fact that he's walking around like the cat that got the cream, Monty told me." She confirmed as I uncovered my face to stare at her in open mouthed horror. "Don't worry, he's a total gossip but he's not malicious. He only told me and Harper, we were invested in the run-up you know." She explained and I sighed heavily in relief. It wasn't a secret, but I was uncomfortable with the idea of the entire camp discussing our personal business. "So you finally got the booty, you made him wait long enough! Smart play." She winked at me with a smugness that made me cringe and I groaned in regret.
"It's not a play! I just rechecked my priorities after spending weeks grieving for him." I stated in an effort to justify my actions and she shrugged at me as if equating them to the same thing.
"How was it?" She leaned in close to ask with devilish curiosity and I squirmed in my seat.
"Oh no, I absolutely know better than to go there!" I exclaimed as I got to my feet and waved my hands in front of me in refusal. "My lips are sealed." I added firmly and she rolled her eyes.
"Tease." She pouted and I couldn't help but to laugh at her with fondness. Although she was exhausting, I had always enjoyed the simple upfront nature of her company and I treasured it more than ever after believing I had lost her.
- O - O - O - O - O -
With Abby's words still replaying in my mind, I made several laps around camp in search of Bellamy but it seemed that he was still busy with Kane. In a desperate bid to divert my attention, I interrogated some of the unfamiliar faces in camp for the location of Monty and Jasper. I sought out their contained section of the dorms and the very moment that I stepped into the space, I was greeted by Monty's eager face.
"Oh hey Indie!" He chirped in an overly enthusiastic voice and I gulped as he smiled at me smugly. I hadn't prepared myself for the fact that the last time he'd seen me I was naked and barely covered in Bellamy's bed. I cleared my throat and fidgeted awkwardly on the spot as I steeled myself for his mockery. "Glad to see that you found some suitable clothes, I didn't think Bellamy would have anything appropriate for you." He commented with a disingenuous tone of concern as he sipped from a cup with a meaningful look in his eyes. I crossed my arms at him and he couldn't stifle a laugh that caused him to choke on his drink.
"That's karma you little gremlin." I remarked with a brow raised at him as he dried his face with a low chuckle.
"Worth it." He breathed with a mischievous smile that warmed my heart. "I'm just glad to see you happy. It's a good change." He admitted as his voice softened and I was surprised by the kindness of his words. It seemed strange to talk in such a relaxed manner when almost every conversation we'd shared over the past three weeks had been hushed whispers and plans for survival.
"Thanks Monty. I feel like we've been given a second chance at life, I don't wanna waste it." I answered honestly and he nodded with a familiar expression of understanding. I'd always felt that Monty displayed a certain air of wisdom and I knew that if anyone would appreciate my determination to make the most of this chance, it was him. "Abby mentioned that Jasper wasn't doing so well, I thought I'd check in on him." I revealed and I noticed that Monty shifted awkwardly. I glanced around the space but wasn't able to see any signs of Jasper and I returned my attention to Monty with confusion. He rubbed the back of his neck in a nervous gesture.
"Yeah, he's really not great." He breathed and furrowed his brows in concern as he avoided my eyes. "He's next door in bed. He's been there pretty much since we got back." He reported with a regretful manner and I shuffled on the spot as I considered this.
"Is there anything I can do to help?" I asked worriedly and Monty shrugged. I hadn't ever seen him look so lost and it caused a pang of pain in my chest.
"I don't know Indie, he's barely even speaking to anyone. He just cries and sleeps." He mumbled and I sighed deeply. I hated the idea of him suffering and wracked my mind for something to suggest. "He blames us for Maya's death and everyone else in the mountain. You weren't involved, maybe he'll talk to you. I know that he was worried about you when we got you back here. Could you try talking to him?" Monty suggested as if he were thinking aloud and I gulped nervously.
I was willing to do whatever was necessary to assist Jasper and I couldn't deny that I sympathised with the way he felt at the moment. If I could help him out of the hole that I'd been in a few weeks ago, I'd do it gladly but I hardly considered myself innocent in the downfall of Mount Weather. If I'd been given the opportunity and resources, I'd have done despicable things to rescue our people. I nodded reluctantly in agreement and Monty's shoulders visibly relaxed in response.
He led me to the door and opened it to reveal a dark bedroom behind. I entered carefully and struggled to make out Jasper's curled up form in the low light. I stifled a gasp at the state of him as he leaned up to view me. His hair was ruffled and fell in front of his sore, red eyes. I approached him carefully and was relieved to find a slight smile in the corners of his mouth.
"Indie, you're okay." He breathed in a flat, lifeless tone and I felt my brows knit together in worry. The young man that sat before me was barely the shell of the humerus, kind person that I knew and I recognised the familiar look of overwhelming grief. My heart ached for him and it drew me closer to settle on the bed beside him. I tenderly brushed the hair back from his face as I examined him in concern.
"Yes, I'm fine. How are you coping, sweetness?" I asked gently and his eyes filled with fresh tears. I didn't hesitate for a moment in pulling him into a tight hug and he cried on my shoulder. I rubbed a hand soothingly on his back whilst he wept and wished that I could take his pain away. We stayed in this position for what seemed like forever and I allowed him all of the time that he needed to compose himself.
"How do I keep going?" Jasper whispered in a small voice that I wouldn't have heard if we weren't wrapped up in each other. I leaned back with a heavy sigh and gently dried his tears as he'd done for me when I was suffering.
"I'm hardly the poster child for good mental health Jasper." I commented with a light smile as he stared back at me as if I were the only thing keeping him off the edge. I wasn't sure how to answer this question. I'd been where he was but I acknowledged that I only survived because of my focus on keeping us safe and as much as it pained me to admit, because Cage hadn't allowed me to die. If we had truly been safe in Mount Weather, I doubted that I'd ever have been able to leave quarantine and struggled to think of any wisdom I could share to help him.
"You're the only one who gets it." He breathed with a desperate, pleading look and my chest tightened. I reflected on the feelings that I'd experienced when I was still trapped in the white room and battled to formulate a lesson from my pain.
"Find something to focus on. It was easier for me because I had all of you and I still cared about what happened to you, you were all I had left. I can't suggest a focus for you but you need to find one, something other than the way you feel right now." I advised as I recalled how Monty and Jasper's encouraging faces pulled me from my despair. "You and Monty got me through, I had you to lean on and I really don't think I'd be here now without you. I'm here to do the same for you Jasper. You're not alone, you can lean on us. Monty and I-" I started to speak but he scoffed before cutting me off with a low voice.
"Monty is part of the reason that Maya isn't here. He helped to prepare the order for Bellamy and Clarke to kill hundreds of people. How can he help me?" He drawled and I shuffled awkwardly in place. I tried not to feel aggravated by his words as I remembered how unpredictable my emotions were and how I would lash out at people when I was at my worst. I understood that he was grieving and although our opinions differed on events at Mount Weather, he was still my friend that I wanted to take care of. We could discuss our differences when he was more stable.
"All I'm saying is don't isolate yourself Jasper. I'm here for you and although she may be different from how we remember her, I know that Octavia cares about you too. Lean on us, let us support you." I pleaded and he rubbed at his eyes with evident exhaustion. "I can't tell you what your focus should be, you'll know it when you feel it. Perhaps for now you could just try to make the most of the second chance you've been given if the cost is causing you so much upset?" I suggested nervously and I noticed that his brows furrowed together. He was clearly unsettled by my words, but he didn't say anything else and I stayed quietly at his side.