Chapter Thirty-Eight: A Spy and A Lie

TW: Mentions of Death

Lily slowly took the stairs back down thinking about the way Sirius had been looking at Remus. Surely he wouldn't hate his best friend if he found out?

He cared about Remus but from what Lily had observed in DADA his hate for all dark creatures seemed unnaturally hostile. Like something personal had happened hostile. She and Marlene, who liked to gossip, had tried to piece a picture together from what Alice had learned from Ted Tonks.

She now regretted doing so, remembering how upset Sirius had been about people whispering about him behind his back, but it was quite hard not to. Still, she knew that despite everything Sirius was a good person, even if he was a moron, and she just had to believe he'd come through for Remus.

Surely James and Peter would, though she figured she best make Peter swear the same thing the other two had. Not that she saw Pettigrew getting mad, but afraid, which might hurt Remus more now that she considered it. Then there was James who she actually probably knew the least about out of the four.

He was usually an annoying toe rag and she just tried to habitually block out whatever was said by him or about him. Still, James had been sweet to get her, he had a sort of cute expression when he was so clearly at a loss, preferable to his typical arrogant one, well it would be if the situation hadn't been so upsetting.

Why hadn't Remus cried to her?

Sirius didn't even know all of what was going on, that was still apparent. Maybe that's why Remus had cried to him not her? She felt the tiniest bit of jealousy though she had realized that while what she felt for Remus was fiercely strong it was platonic, regrettably so since she was sure he'd make a wonderful boyfriend. A much better one than Black or stupid Potter would anyways, especially stupid Potter.

Still, if Remus decided to date her she also decided she wouldn't say no, mostly because he could then better use her as an excuse to flee his friends. Besides, she figured if things didn't turn out things would be awkward but her and Remus' friendship had survived plenty of awkwardness. But around the same time, she realized this she also realized that Remus would never ask her out. She knew someone needed to show him he could be loved in a romantic way but she knew that couldn't be her because try as she might to conjure up those feelings, because honestly what was wrong with her, he was wonderful, she could not.

Still, she'd show him he deserved to be loved platonically with all her little heart. Maybe Lily just didn't like boys, in fact, she questioned the sanity of those who did. Not that she liked girls but she felt a little foolish as all her friends had 'crushes' even if it was just some idol or athlete. Then there was her, and she just had two special friendships with two very different boys each dear to her. But she could no more love Remus in the way Marlene seemed oddly but sweetly infatuated with Peter than she could ever love Severus.

She tried having a crush but it didn't work, so maybe it wasn't entirely fair she didn't refute her friends' suggestions about a crush on Remus as adamantly as she should have, but it was better they thought she was crushing on him than on Severus. She sighed heavily as she often did when thinking about Severus and nearly got stepped on by Peter coming up the stairs she had sat down on.

"Ah! Oh Lily sorry I didn't see you there!" he gasped looking earnestly worried he had indeed stepped on her. He was another one Lily couldn't quite understand, at least as far as why he was so devoted to Sirius and James who she'd witnessed be just dreadful to him.

Remus, surprisingly, seemed able to hold his own amongst the two and could send back witty comments if their teasing was getting to be too much. But poor sweet Peter never seemed to quite know how to, or even how to tell his friends no.

"Actually do you have a moment Peter?"

"Uh….well I'm nervous about my friends James told me to wait downstairs... but it's been a while and he never came back….."

Lily felt a stab of sympathy for him.

"They're asleep Peter but I don't think he meant to forget you," though one could never know with James Potter, "I think they are just all pretty upset."

Peter hung his head looking understandably upset at being forgotten.

"Yeah, I know. I'd be pretty upset if my mum died. I wrote her a letter while I was down in the common room because I got worried."

"What?" Lily asked, taken aback. Strangely she had never considered why Remus had been so upset, or more accurately what he had told his friends the reason was. Peter gave her a weird look then looked nervous.

"You didn't know about Remus' mum? Oh no please don't tell them I told you! Sirius and James will be so mad at me," whined the smaller boy whose pudgy cheeks were puffed out in a pleading look that made Peter look rather...uncomfortable.

"No, I knew. Sorry, it's just late," she assured him, wondering to herself when Remus' mother had actually died and hoping both that it had been a while ago and that it hadn't been.

"Oh, oh ok," Peter gasped, relaxing. "Well did you still want to talk?"

"Sure Peter." She smiled deciding she ought to be nicer to the boy. They went back into the common room where Dorcas approached her looking worried.

"You look sad. Was it a prank? Lily, I swear when I get my hands on that Potter,..."

She let out a laugh she needed and gave Dorcas a grateful smile.

"No it wasn't a prank Dorcas I promise. James actually did the right thing...for once," she added, making Peter squirm and open his mouth as if wanting to defend his friend then closing it as he thought better of it.

"Well...ok then." Her friend relaxed only to raise an eyebrow in confusion and concern. "Remus alright then?" Peter squirmed some more glancing worriedly at Lily as if afraid she might say something.

"Sorry Dorcas sworn to secrecy, you'll have to ask him," she replied with a cheerful smile figuring Dorcas might plan to do so but wouldn't when she saw Remus joking around with his friends tomorrow.

At least she really hoped he'd be smiling and laughing with his friends tomorrow.

Because if Remus' mom hadn't recently passed away then she realized perhaps other than the stress of his friends finding out, which was plenty to make someone cry though maybe not to those friends, she couldn't think what else would have caused Remus to be that upset if he really was as accustomed to his transformations as he'd have her believe.

"Hi, Peter. You gonna join in?" Marlene asked, waving her hand as Lily led Peter to their table.

"Yeah, Lily said I could. Is that ok?" Peter asked, looking a little uncertain but smiling at Marlene all the same.

"Of course it is. Have to save a seat for my little hero now don't I?" Marlene giggled and Peter's face went pink. He took his seat mumbling he hadn't really done much.

"Oh don't be silly Petey, if it wasn't for you we would have lost all our hair at least for a whole day. Thanks to you we didn't have to wear scratchy wigs or just wait for a draught to slowly grow it back," Marlene gushed, latching herself onto the now uncomfortable boy's arm.

"You can't ever tell James ok. He'd be really disappointed. I don't want him being mad at me," Peter fretted glancing from Marlene to Dorcas and finally Lily. She nodded in agreement with Dorcas, she wouldn't say anything though she noticed Marlene hadn't responded, only it seemed Peter didn't actually need any reassurance from her.

She doubted Marlene would say anything since it had been her idea in the first place to have Peter become their spy when they realized Remus was staying out of it as much as he possibly could. Truthfully it hadn't been hard at all, at least that's what Marlene reported, to get Peter to tell them what was coming. They then got to choose what pranks to allow so as not to come across too suspicious and which pranks to avoid completely or which pranks to pretend to have fallen victim to.

"Do you think the prank war could stop soon though?" Peter asked hesitantly, flinching at the displeased look Marlene directed at him letting go of his arm.

"Don't be stupid Peter, they have to admit defeat first."

As much as Lily wanted Potter and Black to admit defeat she didn't particularly want to continue the prank war anymore herself. Not with how upset Sirius had been and apparently that Remus had been as well. She met eyes with Dorcas who gave a shrug to show she was indifferent either way.

"I think that's a good idea, Peter. After all, I think the boys will have other things on their minds and we could just let the whole thing fizzle out," she pointed out, directing her gaze to Marlene who didn't seem pleased.

"What else could they have on their minds but us girls?" she asked and Peter let out a scoff going red as three sets of eyes fell on him curiously.

"Oh uh…..well we don't actually talk about girls like at all unless it's teasing one another about them."

"But we're almost all already teenagers!" Marlene cried aghast though Lily wasn't sure why she was upset since Peter had made it clear he was interested in dating.

"Geez Marlene we're like twelve," Dorcas grumbled, actually the only other girl besides her that didn't seem particularly interested in guys yet.

"Yes, but we're in the midst of war. Teen Weekly said that young witches and wizards are hooking up faster than ever because every day could be our last."

"Oh don't say that," Peter pleaded, looking quite worried about the prospect. Marlene glanced at Peter and apologized for upsetting him, the sensitive boy smiling as he assured her that it was alright and that the boys would for sure think more about girls next year.

Lily could sort of see why Marlene had a crush on Peter, at least she hoped her friend did. Because she loved Marlene, but her friend spent a bit too much time buried in those teenage girl magazines and trying to be the popular girl her sister had been.

This led Lily to believe, along with a few strange things Marlene had said, that maybe she wasn't actually crushing on Peter. But it didn't make sense to Lily and she couldn't see her friend leading poor sweet Peter along, who did have his charms even if he was a bit slow.

"Well, are we going to agree to drop the prank war or not?"

"I think we should put it on hiatus and Peter can make sure the boys do the same. No one needs to surrender and no winner needs to be determined. We'll just pause it until another time," Lily explained feeling relief when her friends didn't seem to disagree.

"Until next year when the boys talk to us more….well, Lily already talks to them but until they talk to the rest of us more," Marlene replied eagerly.

"You sure this isn't because you were actually pranked horribly just now?" Dorcas replied gruffly, shooting Lily a look when she assured her that wasn't it, that suggested she perhaps was a bit frustrated that Lily didn't just tell her what was going on with Remus.

But Lily wasn't about to break that promise, she'd take it to the grave.

...

Somewhere along the lines, Sirius had fallen asleep after James had since he distinctly remembered hearing his friend's soft sort of snoring. He had simply fallen back onto the bed in a sort of uncomfortable position with Remus still on his lap but he wasn't about to wake Remus and risk more crying so he had accepted his fate.

He dreamt of odd floating shapes that glowed and of Remus standing beside him as he faced these odd glowing shapes which somehow suddenly became a whole flock of dementors. But he wasn't afraid and Remus nodded to Sirius holding his hand, appearing older as a burst of white light pushed them all away.

Then Remus was gone and Sirius was staring at Regulus lying in the mud, a frozen look of disapproval on his dead face that left Sirius filled with guilt.

"Ah!"

"AH!"

Sirius had tried so hard not to wake Remus, his back hurt from it, but a stupid nightmare had ruined it and he was pissed.

"I'm sorry Remus I…"

"Sirius? What? Why am I?..."

They both trailed off and an awkward silence followed.

"Well I should get back... to my…. to my much more comfortable bed," he laughed nervously wondering why part of him wanted to stay, he must be awfully tired if the walk back to his bed seemed that drastic.

"Yes, that's a good idea."

"Remus?" Sirius's tired mind tried to process what he was seeing wondering if he was still dreaming.

"Um….yes?"

"Your eyes are glowing? Why are they glowing?" Sirius asked amidst a loud yawn.

"You're still asleep," Remus whispered and Sirius nodded because this made complete sense. He felt his head hit the bed which seemed awfully vivid for a dream.

"They're pretty….like those orbs….strange orbs. Hey Remus?" he asked, feeling the bed shift as his friend attempted to get off of it.

"Yeah?"

"Don't leave ok? You need to help me….defeat the monster…...the dementors….. the whole horde…...only you…," he trailed off somehow back asleep in the dream, what an odd dream.

He was pretty sure dream Remus laid back down though since he felt something warm and safe snuggle up beside him.