CHAPTER 38 - I see you
Kal turned the map over again. She frowned for the hundredth time at the unfamiliar writings naming lands, mountains and waters. Her eyes locked on Legolas. "It is of course no good to attempt cajoling the Uruk-hai to pass through the Black Gate," she smiled dryly. "The guards are not as plentiful nor as vigilant as in the past, but that makes no difference. The way is shut. It is impregnable."
The elf nodded, also eyeing the map. "I have watched and scouted that place for more than I care to remember. I know." After all, he had been close to it countless times, to see the truth of all that she spoke of and more. "The Black Gate is here," he pointed on the scroll.
The half-orc and the elf sat facing each other, pouring over a map of the world Legolas had drawn from the chamber of records the community had put together, each having contributed with whatever sources of knowledge they possessed for the use of posterity.
Theirs was the only presence in the otherwise quiet, windswept cave, the mouth of which opened into the northwestern side of the isle. The space itself was, Legolas had told her, the remnant of a previously inhabited shelter in times when men of Gondor still walked Tolfalas. The isle itself had been a royal fief, and at one moment in history was maintained and explored by a few hardy souls appointed to its care. Hence, the cave they presently occupied boasted rather straight and quite livable spaces carved into the rock and a multitude of abandoned utensils, fallen into rust with disuse. Following her voiced interest to explore more of the isle, Legolas had constructed a trail of sorts and guided Kal into the Tolfalas mountains showing her new paths, more of its valleys and when midday hit, he led her towards the western coastline. Here they had reached a small sheltered bay. And yawning towards the sea, quiet and undisturbed for many a year, was the opening to the cave.
It was close to midnight now and so they yet sat, their heads brought together, still pouring over the geographical elements of Mordor and its vicinity.
"Then, there is this... " Kal pointed lower on the map, along the jagged relief of the Mountains of Shadow. "We call it the Nameless Pass. However," she sighed, returning to less than pleasant memories of marching in and out of Mordor, "It is also guarded. There lies the seat of the Black Riders to the West, and the Spider's Cleft hails in the East. You have little chance of going through undetected, even with your swift and shadowy elf steps," she finished softly, casting a look of gentle teasing his way. Though they sustained she was of their race, there were things Kal thought would never truly define her. She could be rather stealthy herself when required, but her infuriating elf would always best her at such skills. Her pique, however, was usually quickly drowned by the light of his eyes.
"What else?" Legolas asked without acknowledging her mild bite, his attention trained on the map.
Somewhat disheartened, Kal went on. "In so far as simply walking into the Black Land, there is a third way... but it is far East, as you already know, where the mountains fade into the plains of Khand-"
The elf shook his head. "That would mean crossing the entire width and breadth of the Black Land on foot. Too much time wasted, and the highest risk of being discovered."
"Indeed," their eyes locked. Her chest seized with worry again as Kal met his determined gaze. "Elf, please, let me come with-"
Slowly Legolas reached for her, drawing her into his side. "You are barely free of that nightmare. This is not your battle and not your quest. I cannot ask such a thing of you, nor do I wish to."
Kal hissed and made to draw away, but the elf would not loosen his hold. Then he stared into her eyes, and her world faded away akin to frost met with flame. "I know words are not enough reassurance, not by far, and you already know I feel torn between you and my promise. But can you understand, it will not leave me be?" his features were firm yet pleading. "I will not take unnecessary risk, now I have you to return to. Will you attempt to believe me?"
Kal set her gaze on the small fire burning closer to the mouth of the cave. Of course, she understood. The nameless call was still forceful, ever looming in the back of her darkest thought. "Stubborn, infuriating elf," Kal balked before she gasped, the feel of fingers lightly along her ribs sending her into a stream of laughter and halfhearted kicks. "Do not-... ! I will hurt you!" but she was already brought into submission, her breathy pants struggling against his chest. Memories rose of a similar encounter from their early beginnings, though its cause had been much different. At the time, his knee was at her throat.
"Will you trust me?" Legolas repeated his question, gently nuzzling her nose with his as Kal squirmed beneath him.
"Release me, now," she tried to be demanding, but he felt so good right there where he was that all her protests came halfhearted at best.
"Do you wish me to?" the question was clear, but its meaning went far beyond that of shimmering eyes and the soft set of his mouth.
Kal sighed in mock defeat. "No," she barely uttered before soft lips grazed hers. Oblivion had never been so sweet. She felt him along her chin, her neck, lower, until his nose pressed into her chest, and he was nipping at her through the linen.
"There... there is another possible way," Kal said, at which point she felt the elf go still. He lifted his head to meet her eyes.
"Which is?" Legolas rose, drawing her into a seated position as well.
Retrieving both the map and her better sense, Kal pointed to one particular spot on the yellowed scroll. "It is all but abandoned nowadays from what I remember, as the Black Land needs no great protection. What manner of fool would attempt to infiltrate it in secrecy, after all? But," and their eyes met over the map, "the drawback is, that again you would have a large expanse of land to traverse to reach The Tower in the North." She swallowed, imagining him in such peril, the thought menacing as a blade in wait strung above her head. "It is called the Torn Cleft Pass."
The blue-grey fire in his gaze burned strong, urging her to continue.
"It is located close to the southernmost river feeding into the lake Núrnen. Here, in the southeastern reaches of the Mountains of Shadow. In the past, none but the most trusted lieutenants of the Dark One knew of it, due to its tactical location in military strategy and supply. But now it is sparsely guarded, and it may prove your best chance. Its location is well hidden by the mountains growing into the Mountains of Shadow. There. I told you. Satisfied?" she bit, sighing heavily.
"Kal," the elf followed gently. She let him wrap an arm around her without protest. "Gratitude."
Kal scoffed. "An elf, striding through the plains of Núrn," she murmured, her hand running through her hair in silent distress.
"You have my word I have learned much from past recklessness," Legolas whispered into her.
"You said words do little to avail this, elf, so please, just be silent," Kal grumbled, though he was a warm balm against her troubled state.
"I know. Forgive me."
"I will, only if you return in one piece."
"I endeavor to."
And still, Kal told him all that she knew, pouring over details Legolas was asking for - what she remembered of the Tower, its levels, its layout, and numbers. Kal told him there were none too many guards, as His power was so great none dared step out of line, let alone prance around the Tower without strict orders bestowed. At times her memories would lash and darken her words but she felt his silent support, reaching her through unseen threads.
Kal had long fallen silent, cursing the unending voice at the back of her head as she nestled into the elf. The night was rich upon the land, and the meager fire at the mouth of the cave was dying. Her lashes became heavier, and it was not long before she drifted into rest, map, and all forgotten.
Legolas had wrapped himself around her in comforting silence, allowing the rare luxury of rest to take over.
When the elf next awoke, deep into the night, she was gone.
The lone sigh of the wind was her only companion. Kal walked with fast and urgent steps, following the same ruthless pull. She had thought to swiftly inspect that which led her here, and return before Legolas awoke. If she failed in doing so before he stirred she would concoct a reason by way of justification. When her eyes had snapped open to the command yet again, the half-orc knew it was now. It had to be now.
She climbed upward around the side of the cave and followed the narrow paths between cliffs, heading ever northward. There was a thirst, a craving, ever growing, and misted shadows encroached on her mind.
It called endlessly, and her feet obeyed of their own will through the pitch-black night. Kal passed through ways sheltered by high ominous peaks and narrow vales until finally, she reached what appeared to be a cove. She skittered down towards it, seeing another recess within the stone. Another cave?
But its entrance was rectangular, clearly man-made with its straight lines carven into stone. She stepped inside the darkness.
Her eyes discerned great stone structures with embellished writings in a script she did not understand. It was similar to the one she had seen written in the tome Legolas had given her to study. Her fingers lightly touched the cold stone, but she had faced death too many times to not have at least an inkling of what this place was. It spoke of death, but there was a quiet murmur akin to a halo surrounding it which tempered her unease. And as her searching eyes sought she knew not what, Kal noticed the first steps of stairs in one corner, leading downward. A terrible certainty flung her forward, and without thought, Kal crossed the darkened stairs one by one.
As she drew nearer to the center of the winding stone staircase, the beckoning encroaching on her will subsided, and the wisps of a foreign melody reached her. A bright light sifted and speared in rays through the black void. She drew nearer still, feeling as though she were floating, and stepping off the last stair, Kal lifted her gaze.
A gasp of awe escaped her.
A slight shimmering globe made of nothing but light, beaming in and about her, swallowing the dark. There was such greatness reaching from its endless center that Kal nearly fell to her knees, unable to gaze into the shard of light for too long lest it blinded her. It shone white, then gold, then burst into myriads of colors before returning to its silver beaming.
Though trapped in its spell, Kal suddenly felt the unsettling prickle along her spine usually hinting at another presence. She was not alone. Her gaze shot to the eastern wall of the chamber, and she took a step back.
Leaning against the cold stone with his arms crossed at his chest, was a stranger. Speech eluded her as Kal watched him, taken with the sheer playful beams hallowing his being.
Kal shook her head though she felt no less enraptured, all sense flown astray when the stranger stared deeply into her eyes. He was a wondrous presence, a youth basking in the light of his prime judging by his appearance. His hair was of a fiery copper, flowing in waves as shimmering spun-metal to his waist, and his golden eyes caught hers with no trace of fear nor wariness. His skin appeared imbued with sunsets she had never seen, and his garb was plain, a white unbelted tunic and trousers. He was barefooted, though far from ragged.
"Who are you? Do you live here?" Kal demanded though he looked not the least bit threatening. On the contrary, such restfulness and calm emanated from him, as intangible waves beating against the seams of her mind.
The copper-haired one held her gaze with a look of guileless sincerity and astonishment on his slight, handsome face. "I am you," he spoke in a light voice. "I am here because you are."
Kal narrowed her eyes, her innate suspicion brimming to the surface. "Say your meaning."
But the stranger held her amber gaze silently before his attention was turned to the brilliance of the ever sparkling shard, reflected in his eyes. "Such beauty," he said in wonder, causing Kal to cast her vision upon the object and quail anew at its luminescence, its loveliness, its purity. It contained that which was long lost, the notion floated on the fringes of thought. Nearing, in an unthinking trance, Kal reached for the light. On the other side of the enclosure, the bright one watched. He watched with an inscrutable yet eager expression as her pale hands gently blocked the light, now suffusing through her fingers-
Then the chamber darkened, and light became furious flame. Kal wanted to retrieve her hands but failed, her fingers clutching the brightness as urged by the shadow, and then all burst into a maelstrom of fire. She was afire, her hands were embers.
The ache cleaving her senses surpassed any torture ever suffered, ever remembered, reaching through her very center and flowing through her veins. Kal screeched, attempting to avail herself of her own grasp, helpless against the scorching of her skin.
A blazing eye, burning through all that she was, gaining berth until its adamant gaze broke the guard of her spirit slithering through her mind and memories, seeking, scouring. Words gained meaning, akin to chains winding around her will, and amid her wailing Kal still heard the triumphant edge to the hollowness of them.
Where is it... where is it...
A straight, white smile on perfect lips.
A pale hand raises her chin. Eyes widen and she stares into herself. It reeks of pestilence, void of light.
I knew you would find it for me... now where ... precisely... is it...
Her thrashing struggle resounded against the walls, and Kal knew not the moment she was tumbling, rolling and falling, torn from the shadow, a wrathful light enveloping the frayed edges of her spirit.
Her eyes met cloudy, frightened grey ones.
Legolas was holding her fast, her wrists in his grasp, straddling her. "Do you realize what you could have done?" he shook her with a fervor and fear Kal had never seen on him, moving to lock her shoulders in his grasp.
Retrieve it... the command bellowed even as Kal did her utmost to severe the ties bending her will.
Ah... that Sinda.
A hissing grin.
I remember him.
Laughter gurgled from unseen depths.
"No!" Kal screeched, fighting against the fell incision with the remnants of her will. She had to flee. It had not seen it all, though it burrowed well into her mind. But then came the crushing realization of what she had encountered and felt, searing black and crimson flame.
His eye cast upon her. His presence.
She was shaking, unthinkingly struggling against the elf who tried bringing her into his arms. "Let go of me! Put me down!" Kal fought, the crushing fear and guilt too much. She had to flee.
"Kal, cease struggling, please look at me," and the elf tried reaching for her, fëa to fëa, but all he found was walled ice.
A well placed desperate strike to his abdomen freed Kal of his hold. With the black voice still caving in her mind, its sting coiled deep into her heart, Kal struggled to stumble and staggered breathlessly outside in her flight.
The formless urge was still there and now there was ire and the threat of punishment. Her palms and fingers ached and burned, bright angry red from the light of the shard as Kal touched it. And she ran ever faster, uncaring of his voice laced with distressed worry, of him calling for her, running after her.
"Kal, stop, your burns-" Legolas urged helplessly, seeing she went faster despite his pleas or indeed because of them, dashing across the path, not unlike the frightened deer of his former homeland.
She did not heed. All Kal saw was an end to the voice, to the peril. She had to leave this place, and it had to be now, ere the Shadow would take her again and find it. As it had all the others. It would ensnare and destroy, and drive it into the dust of memory. It was over and done with, this fool's fancy. She quickened her pace.
When inside the mountain Kal hurried towards her allotted chamber ensuring her wolf followed, and her lost gaze roamed left and right. She knew by now that at this time before dawn, someone would head out to the mainland soon for the changing of sentries on watch. If she hurried, she may catch a boat and ask to leave with them. She began to swiftly place a few items together amid sparse belongings, and barely heard Legolas, who had reached the chamber and was now standing in the doorway.
"What are you doing?" the elf asked softly and steadily, though there was urgency in his tone as he watched her throw her belongings into a worn leather satchel onto the pallet in the enclosure, wincing at her burns. "Kal, we must treat your hands-"
"I wish to be away from here," Kal interrupted as she finished, shouldering her bag and storming out of the chamber, Eron in tow. She strode swiftly along the hewn corridors.
After a brief moment of confused stupor, the elf followed after her. "You are wounded and clearly unwell, if you would only wait, let us speak-"
"It is my decision. You have no say in it. No one does, none but I." She struggled to regain some of her harshness from her time serving the armies of the Dark One. All of this, him, it had turned her into a craven. She had to stay grounded.
"Why?" Legolas asked curtly, his hand reaching for her arm so Kal was turned to face him.
She looked away. Because I endanger you with my presence. Because I am a coward. Because I now feel His black chains under my skin, dormant until such time as it suits.
"Why now, and why so sudden? Legolas insisted. "And what precisely happened in the crypt?" he demanded. "How did you find it, and the s-"
"I wished to see more of the world either way," Kal cut into his words. "This place was never for me. They stare and keep their distance. I never belonged here. I have no reason to stay," Kal broke, doing her utmost to hold his gaze.
"No reason," Legolas spat, going rigid. "Other than a chance to live among ones who are not torturers and killers." His words were colder, measured now.
Desperate at this losing struggle, Kal mustered all and any reasons against it all, fickle though they were. "And you ask me to stay, but you, too, keep secrets!" she showed him her reddened palms.
His gaze gained a muted sort of despair. "None but very few knew the precise whereabouts of that place, let alone that which it harbors, save for myself and Arwen. And neither of us spoke to you of it. Kal,-"
"See!? Yet you do not trust me-"
"Do I not?" Legolas took a step towards her then, and unthinkingly grasped her shoulder. When Kal recoiled from him it felt like a blow to the chest, and he could barely bring himself to speak. "I do trust you," the elf said honestly. "And I trusted you, with myself, despite..." Legolas paused, wavering before golden eyes, unsure whether his following words would do more harm than good. Still he said them. "... Despite knowing there are things you still hide, even from yourself."
Her astonishment was raw, as was the kindled shame at his reveal. He did not know. He felt pieces of darkness but did not see. He could not ever know. "I hide nothing of great import-"
"You do, you do," the fair-haired elf said dejectedly, drawing even closer to her. "You shield yourself from me, do not deny it. There are shadows that linger within you, but I said I would wait, did I not? Do not leave. We can repel whatever ails you, together. Please."
Kal had never seen him appear so young and helpless and wretched. She struggled through her following words. "Together? With you gone? With you strolling through the heart of the Empire, in close quarters with Him?" she shook her head.
"I-..." the elf fell silent, his own guilt awakening in choking hues and shades, each more bruising than the last.
"Besides, my kind and yours do not belong together. Not now, not ever. Everyone saw this, except for you." She turned from him to walk towards the harbor.
"Where is this coming from?" the elf asked, at the end of his wits. They had spoken of it all. "Our differences had never been an impassable wall. Not to me, and surely not to you. Is this it? Is this all your fear will conjure, or is there more?" he challenged.
The rippling of water against stone was the sole disturbance in the silence descended as Kal stopped walking, her fists clenched at her sides.
"What else must I do to prove myself to you?" Legolas asked quietly. "Tell me, and I will. But do not leave. Not like this."
Kal looked briefly ahead of them to see the elf Orophin, clad and armed, and doing his utmost to busy himself with preparing a craft to head out, though she suspected he heard it all.
Turning back to Legolas, Kal wondered when he had gotten so close that she had to crane her neck up to meet his eyes. She looked into his face, into his darkened gaze, its usual grey shade drowned by deep, anguished black. Kal successfully reined the quiver of her lip, and whatever was battling inside of her from pouring over. "This place is not for me."
Legolas looked to the side, as though his next words came spoken against his will. "And what about you and I?"
Kal had to steel herself from reaching and smothering him in her arms, to soothe the hurt she felt rising as an angry storm between them.
Instead, she looked to her feet. Then back up at him, barring any and all traces of weakness from her face. "It was... pleasing, but I have grown weary of it. It is not what I want. I should have been honest with you. Forgive me."
Kal saw him turn a shade paler and wished the world would shift and swallow her whole. There were tortures in the Black Land far less efficient than what she was unwittingly doing now.
To him, this made little sense. Why did she insist on facing this alone? "The fact that you throw all this filth into my face only speaks of how frightened you are. Will you not offer at least one chance, at least to... to try?"
"No!" Kal hissed, remembering the words shared with Arwen. "We are not even bound!" she threw to his widening eyes. "You aided me, I was grateful. There can be nothing else. Now off with you! Leave me be," she turned from him to blink away the stubborn wetness welling in her eyes.
Taken aback for only an instant, Legolas followed. "You know it goes beyond that. Have you forgotten? I feel you, your anguish, your... care. As you do mine." He reached for her hand, which Kal promptly retrieved with a growl.
"Skai! Pushdug!" she cursed drawing away, using Black Speech all the more since she knew he loathed it. "I cannot care for you as you wish me to! Leave me be."
Legolas fell silent, merely watching her. After long moments he sighed, rolled back his shoulders. He made no other move to touch her.
She felt him falling, piece by piece, and loathed herself all the more. Kal met his eyes and held them. "You have been good to me. But it is time I left, and it must be now."
His gaze lowered and as Kal watched him, before long there was a sharp, loveless smile slowly cutting his face. She would have preferred a scowl, snarling, cursing. Anything but the mockery curling lips she had tasted.
When Legolas spoke again his voice was level, his eyes averted from hers. "Orophin," he called to the other elf, "Take her to the mainland."
Kal found it hard to breathe.
The elf regarded her a moment longer, lingering on her features. His face was almost serene when he briefly met her eyes again. He then nodded a brisk farewell her way and with that turned his back on Kal, his unwavering stride leading back towards the dim-lit corridor.
Once, in the early days of her training in Mordor, Kal had been slashed through her middle by a scimitar. The pain she felt now was worse and no less debilitating, stronger and deeper with each receding step. Kal watched his fast retreating figure, still drowning in the black, widened centers of his eyes from moments ago, her mind on the soundless footsteps as they drew surely and steadily farther and farther away.
Her vision blurred, and hopelessness weighed to overwhelm. Kal turned abruptly and angrily wiped her face with her sleeve, hating this depleting spell. With smitten steps, she went and climbed into the craft under the grim stare of Orophin, who followed with a sigh and silently sat down before her.
He can find his own way. And I shall find mine. Kal sat back, dragging an unwilling Eron after and curling tightly into the wolf in the narrow craft. She shut her eyes, attempting to keep the tremor of her shoulders at bay, and cursing the very day she had collided with an elf in the darkened forests of Ithilien.
A/N:
Update 1st July: I've recently rehashed my old tumblr page: ruiniel dot tumblr dot com. It's a place I collect all Tolkien related art I enjoy. Check it out if interested to see what's there or just to connect!
I've used translations for these Mordor locations in the text, where applicable.
Nameless Pass = The Morgul Pass
Seat of the Black Riders = Minas Morgul
Spider's Cleft = Cirith Ungol
Mountains of Shadow = Ephel Dúath
Torn Cleft Pass = Nargil Pass
The crypt Kal found is a place called Imrazôr's Hallow.
Clue: now what could possibly have washed up on the shores of Middle-earth, from the depths of the sea?
'Pushdug!' = 'Dungfilth!' (Black Speech, first of three translations)
Tolkien fic of the day:
The Art of Ending by Idrils Scribe (lovely short piece on Elrohir in Harad)