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Confidence and Control
Chapter 30: Forgive Yourself
The rest of the day was spent with plenty of mugs of tea. Hecate engrossed herself in what looked to Mildred like a very dull book on theoretical and unproven properties of certain ingredients in potion making. Mildred drew some of the pictures that she had collected earlier, before Pippa challenged her to some of Hecate's board games.
Mildred's particular favourite was a witch's version of Guess Who, which automatically filled the spaces with people that they mutually knew.
"Does she wear glasses?" Mildred asked.
"Yes," Pippa gritted her teeth competitively, watching Mildred gleefully knock down many of her cards.
"It's Miss Cackle, isn't it?" Mildred laughed at Pippa's shake of her head.
"Yes - you're annoyingly good at this Millie!" Pippa pouted.
"Well the non-magic version is full of random pictures," Mildred explained.
"Mildred," Hecate appeared at the doorway, shot an apologetic look at Pippa, and seemed to silently communicate something as Pippa nodded understandingly, before turning around so the girl followed her into her study.
"Please sit Mildred," Hecate asked, Mildred smiled softly at her in return, noticing and taking pity on what she now knew was Miss Hardbroom's awkward demeanor.
She took a rather old looking book from the desk and pushed it towards the girl.
Mildred took it from the desk and fingered it wonderingly, ' Witches and The Origins of their Power' she read the title aloud. The book was covered in a deep purple, but slightly worn fabric with seemingly no illustrations. Its yellowing pages neatly printed in an italic font.
Hecate gestured for the girl to have a good look at it, "I feel I've neglected part of your education," Hecate began to explain and raised her brow. "I've suggested to Miss Cackle before that we should educate you girls more with some of the spiritual aspects of being a magical being. Her response..A right response.. I'm not questioning that," Miss Hardbroom suddenly looked appalled at the very idea of questioning Ada Cackle and Mildred smiled, "is that there is no need to teach it discretely, as it encompasses all of what we do. However, Mildred - you and your non-magical background are an exception. One I should have done something about long-ago. You do not have the same grounding, the same understanding of how our magic is interconnected with so many things. It occurred to me that a non-magical Godmother is someone who is suppose to guide the spirit," Hecate said wryly, "So it seems only right that I should be doing the same on a magical book has served many generations of Hardbrooms well, Mildred, it is now only right that it now serves a Hubble," she finished with a firm smile.
Mildred felt emotion well up in her. "But Hecate..," Miss Hardbroom noticed that the girl didn't call her HB on this occasion and was thankful for it, as much as Mildred said it as a simple acronym, memories of the masikim and 'Hard Bitch' were hard to fully forget. "If it is a family heirloom - surely it's too precious to give away. It must hold memories for you," Mildred held the book back, but Hecate didn't move an inch.
A sudden image floated in Hecate's mind: Her mother, perfect smile infectuous, passing her the same book, tiny fingers feeling the aging embossed cover. "Look after it Catey darling, and when you are ready - pass it on to your child, so that they too can learn from it."
"Dear memories, Mildred, and yes it is truly very precious so you need to look after it. But I'd much rather you have it," Hecate told the girl firmly. "I know my mother would have said the same," she finished unfalteringly.
In a couple of quick movements, Mildred had got up from her chair, made it round the desk and had thrown herself at Hecate. Hecate remained seated but allowed the girl to nuzzle into her shoulders from behind, feeling her head atop of her own. "Thank you," Mildred breathed emotionally.
Hecate clasped her hand on top of Mildred's, "Soppy child," she murmured fondly.
xxx
Mildred was surprised just how brightly the log ignited, all the colours of the rainbow dancing in its flames and smoke.
Hecate had insisted she was included in casting the spell and Mildred felt nervous as she followed her and Pippa's lead with the chant that Hecate had taught her. It was in old-English, and its strange vowel had been difficult on Mildred's tongue but Hecate had been rather patient with her, despite her usual insistence on precision.
When the first flame flickered, Mildred grinned at both Pippa and Hecate in turn, finding them both (and unusually for Pippa) very solemn but in a strangely peaceful way, so Mildred followed their lead and stared into the blaze, letting feelings of thankfulness and contentment wash over her.
"Hecate, are you doing the honours?" Pippa asked, with the pragmatic force of a command albeit in her sweet-natured way.
Hecate nodded, glancing at Mildred for a moment and offering her a wry smile of sorts.
"Fire from the mighty oak, bless us with your light in the darkest of times. Remind us all, that though the dark may seem difficult, full of uncertainties and may at time lead us down the wrong path, it is the light of which we must seek. A light which can come from all of us, and we must seek to share. Let us be forever thankful for those that bring light into our lives, and may we forever strive to return the favour."
Pippa smiled softly at Mildred. Summoning a candle, the blonde witch bent towards the magical flames and lit it cautiously. "My mother used to always let me have a candle lit from the log in my room during Yule," she explained to them both.
Hecate nodded acceptingly. "Bedtime Mildred," she told the girl, who to her relief accepted it without any arguments.
xxx
"Teeth brushed?" Hecate asked when she knocked on Mildred's door ten minutes later. She set down the candle on Mildred's bedside table.
Mildred nodded cross-legged on her bed.
"Face washed?" Hecate continued.
"I don't think I've quite managed to get all the toothpaste off, but according to Maud it's good for acne. Honestly, I must have brushed for five minutes and it still wouldn't relent from attacking me," Mildred huffed.
Hecate ignored her, "Hair brushed?" she finished.
"Yes," Mildred fibbed, chucking her matted hair behind the back.
Hecate chortled, "One day you'll learn how to lie," she fetched the brush from Mildred's dresser, "But for now I'm very thankful that your face forever gives you away.
Mildred pulled a face in return.
"Self-care," Hecate told her, gesturing the girl to turn around, "is worth every effort."
Mildred looked taken aback for a moment, expecting Hecate to have passed her the brush, but she obediently turned to face her headboard and felt the mattress sag as Hecate sat behind. She started from the bottom of Mildred's tangled mane, the wavy tendrils slowly becoming detached and the hair softening in her capable and experienced hands. Mildred was surprised how gentle she was, the feeling almost pleasurable as the brush now neared her scalp.
"Your first day of Yule," Hecate began to loosely plait the girl's hair. "Thoughts?"
"It felt good, good to be thankful for our magic," Mildred started, brain still piecing together thoughts, "When I got my magic I felt like I'd been given this immense gift, and mum's... well an atheist..." Hecate nodded, understanding.
"You have a gift, Mildred," Hecate told her, "We are all gifted in some way, but as witches with our magic we have a responsibility, to ourselves and to those around us. To Duir too, with the promises we make."
Mildred nodded as she pulled herself into bed, thinking of the promise she had made Duir to help those who had helped her. She had to mean Miss Hardbroom, she chewed her lip slightly before Hecate passed her a mug. "What are our plans for tomorrow?" she asked after a sip, watching the flickering candle cast golden shadows.
"Well Pippa may have expressly forbidden me teaching you any new spells during this time, but I thought after watching you this morning that you might want to help me cook," Hecate queried, eyebrow raised.
"Really?" Mildred's eyes widened.
"You're of an age where you need to learn," Hecate told her crisply. "And since its likely you're going to be a frequent house-guest, you had better start pulling your weight," Hecate smirked.
Mildred smiled, "Thanks Miss Hardbroom - Hecate," she corrected. "I'd love that."
"Good," Hecate nodded curtly. She switched off the bedside light, the room dark except for the glistening candle. "Goodnight Mildred."
xxx
After breakfasting on granola and toast, the three went for a long walk in woods in the brisk morning air (Mildred particularly enjoyed Pippa's fluffy pink earmuffs and found it even more hilarious when Pippa pretended not to hear Hecate's quips about them).
Pippa then took Mildred out on their broomsticks, playing their usual games before Pippa gently coaxed Mildred into practising her form.
"Amazing Millie, just make sure your chin is up nice and confidently," Pippa gently lifted the girl's chin. "Feel your shoulders relax?" Pippa smiled, "The more confident you look the more powerful you feel, and then your broom will submit to your every will."
"Hecate tied me to the broom last practice!" Mildred told Pippa rather indignantly, making Pippa giggle as the two began the trek home.
"Did she now?" Pippa grinned. "Well you know Hecate, takes it all very seriously. She wants you to do well Millie, and you have to remember that she got the school record for just about every examination she's ever taken - she knows how to achieve."
"Has she always been like that?" Mildred asked interestedly.
"Hecate?" Pippa gave a soft reminiscing smile. "As long as I've known her..." Pippa trailed off, as if wondering whether to say anything more. "If you're asking Mildred if a more chilled out version of Hecate Hardbroom exists then I'd have to say no. There's the soft side of her, a huge capacity to love and extreme compassion, but she's always been rather stoic. Her dad expressed his love in much the same way that Hecate does, he was a wonderful man," Pippa finished.
"I .. I found pictures of them - her parents I mean," Mildred confessed.
"I didn't know she had any pictures in the house," Pippa admitted. "She took both their deaths rather hard, she was rather young to be orphaned. Maria - her mum passed when Hecate was five, we were at college when Robert died. She threw herself into her studies, even more so, he was very studious and I think that was her way of feeling close to him."
Mildred felt a pang of sadness for her. "She said to me she never visits Scotland?" Mildred asked softly.
"Not that I've ever been aware of," Pippa told the girl. "Too painful I imagine. When we were younger she had the most amazing accent. It was what got me talking to her in the first place, I was intrigued where she was from and then she regailed me with these amazing stories about her home, the sheer wildness of it."
"Do you think she would like to?" Mildred asked wonderingly.
"What?" Pippa looked puzzled.
"Visit - Scotland," Mildred queried.
"I'm not so sure on that one Millie, like I said - painful. She likes to keep her emotion to herself," Pippa smiled gently.
"But that's no good for anyone!" Mildred spluttered.
Pippa stopped, she rested her hand on Mildred's shoulder and looked the teen in the eye. "You're ever so sweet Mildred, but Hecate deals with emotion in her own way.." She linked arms with the girl, "Come on anyway, better walk pretty briskly. I promised dear Hiccup that we wouldn't be late for dinner."
xxx
"You're late," Hecate greeted them as they bustled in through the kitchen door, but Mildred could see she wasn't genuinely angry.
"Really?" Pippa glared at her delicate gold watch offendingly, "Must have stopped!" she shook it, before shrugging nonchalently.
Pippa and Mildred took it in turns washing their hands before Hecate ushered them to the table where she served three bowls of vegetable soup. "A light lunch," she told them both. "There will be Yule bread later, courtesy of Mildred. There will be a slice waiting for you when you return from your parents." Pippa had informed Mildred that morning that she would be needing to visit them later in the day.
"What's Yule bread?" Mildred asked between spoonfuls of soup.
"Oh it's yum Millie! It's a wreath of sweet bread with lots of dried fruit and spices," Pippa's face lit up. "Hecate makes the best Yule bread!"
"Now Mildred will too," Hecate told the girl firmly, who grinned her enthusiasm.
xxx
"Keep going," Hecate told the girl, checking the consistency of the butter in the small hand churn that Mildred had just paused from pumping away at.
"You do know you can just buy butter?" Mildred rolled her eyes, panting to catch back her breath.
"Who said anything about butter?" Hecate faced the girl. "We're after the buttermilk."
Mildred crinkled her face in confusion, so Hecate continued, "Its the by-product of creating butter, creamier than ordinary milk and therefore perfect for any sweet-treat. Keep going," she ordered again, smirking slightly at Mildred's red face and frizzing hair.
"Couldn't we - just - magic - it?" Mildred gasped between pumps.
"What would be the point of that?" Hecate drawled. "It's the effort that makes food special."
"Let's have a look," Hecate batted the girl's hands out of the way. "Yes," she nodded curtly. "We're finally there."
"Finally!" Mildred huffed dramatically.
Hecate magicked a beaker of water to zoom into her hands, which she passed to Mildred, who gulped it enthusiastically and certainly without any manners, but Hecate didn't comment other than a slight roll of her eyes.
"Now," Hecate asserted, "You need to sieve the flour."
"You're not going to make me grind it from wheat are you?" Mildred cheeked.
"Sadly no, Mildred, I do not own a flour press, but your comment has been noted and I'm sure I can source one for next time," Hecate replied dryly.
"Phew," Mildred said as she was handed a paper bag of flour.
"Measure out the sugar and then make a well, I'll add water to the yeast," Hecate efficiently leveled out a spoonful of the yeast as she passed the sugar to Mildred.
"Add in the buttermilk first, then the yeast. Then I want you to grate some of this zest," she passed Mildred a clementine, as she added in some dried fruit.
"Yes Ma'am," Mildred saluted cheekily, laughing at the look Hecate gave her.
"You've just put flour in your hair, Mildred," Hecate sighed exasperatedly.
"Ahhh well, it'll brush out," Mildred smirked.
"Make sure it's all thoroughly mixed in, place your hands into the bowl and rub it together until it forms a dough," Hecate ordered.
Hecate almost smiled at Mildred, who seemed rather content playing with the increasingly dough-like mixture in the bowl, looking more like a child than ever.
"Now you need to knead it," Hecate told her, sprinkling flour onto the worktop and showing Mildred the technique. "Not like you're scared of it girl! It needs a firm hand," she corrected.
"Keep going!" Hecate told her as Mildred paused for a moment, she wet a clean tea-towel and cast a quick spell to warm it. She grabbed hold of the dough for a moment and kneaded assertively for a moment before pulling it, checking its elasticity. "A fine job," she nodded curtly, wrapping it and leaving it to one side.
"It needs to rise," Hecate explained. "Inside that towel a small scientific miracle is happening."
"You talk about cooking and science the same way you talk about magic," Mildred noted, beginning to wash up the bowls Hecate had piled into the sink.
"Cooking is science, and science is magic," Hecate sounded taken aback. "What did they teach you about science at ordinary school?" she asked with genuine interest.
"How things worked mainly," Mildred raised an eyebrow, Miss Hardbroom had certainly never asked any questions of her ordinary life before and Mildred tried to detect any scorn in her tones, but found none.
"Never why?" Hecate probed.
"Sometimes why," Mildred nodded.
"Sometimes - I am guessing only when the explanation did not require magic," she rolled her eyes.
"I guess it's so unbelievable," Mildred grinned.
"More believable than no explanation," Hecate shook her head.
"Is that why you've always disliked anything non-magical?" Mildred asked in a small voice, regretting the question as soon as she had asked it. "Their acceptance of a world without magic to you, it must border on stupidity."
Hecate felt guilt erupt inside her at Mildred's tentative question. She did not say anything, not liking not knowing how to explain herself.
"Sorry," Mildred murmured anxiously, sensing she had gone too far.
"The bread will need another kneading," Hecate told her briskly.
xxx
The wreath of Yule bread sat shining and golden in the middle of the kitchen table. Hecate passed Mildred the knife, knowing the girl would appreciate the control over her portion and was rather satisfied that the girl cut an almost substantial slice for both of them.
"Thoughts?" Hecate queried, watching the girl nibble the warm bread, before taking a larger second bite.
"Delicious," Mildred said. "Pippa was right!"
Hecate nodded as she bit into her own. "A well made bread, Mildred."
"Thanks HB," Mildred smiled.
Hecate swallowed, "Mildred... About what you said earlier..."
"I didn't mean to insult you Miss...Hecate," Mildred corrected herself nervously. "I don't always think and my mouth just comes out with stuff."
"A slight problem," Hecate said drily. "But any offence caused was my own doing. You're right. I have shown prejudice against non-magicals and that does of course include my treatment of you."
"How do you feel now?" Mildred asked nervously, curiosity getting the better of her.
"That I should have been more open minded when it came to you especially," Hecate told her. "That day in the garden, when we last spoke like this..." Hecate almost stumbled across her words. "I never actually said I'm sorry.. I am sorry, Mildred. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel less than you are."
Mildred gawped at her.
"You had such a right to hate me, and yet you never did," Hecate finished simply. "Unwavering loyalty, even when it's not been deserved."
Mildred continued to gawp before shaking her head, "You let me into Cackles. You got me out of so many scrapes. You were willing to give up your own magic to save me countless times. You put me in detention so I could re-learn potions that I did not get right, forced me to study for my end of year exams so that I could stay... You say you were prejudice and maybe you were at times, but you need to admit that you went against that and practically favoured me at times too Hecate, just in your own way," Mildred finished triumphantly. "Then you opened your house for me, were there for me when most would have just thrown me into some kind of mental institution. Understood me. Understand me..." Mildred gestured down to her now clean plate.
"People treat me like I'm fragile after what happened, perhaps I am," Mildred bit her lip, "Perhaps I'll have another relapse one day. But I feel strong now, I can look back and see things clearly and what I know is that I should have gone to you, I think deep down I knew how much you invested in me, and I did not want to feel I couldn't live up to those expectations, the standards you set for me, for all of us. But I do need those standards.. Please don't think that you ever treated me badly, it was never your fault."
"Unwavering loyalty," Hecate repeated and shook her head disbelievingly. "You really do see the best in people Mildred Hubble."
Mildred shrugged, before drinking the remains of her tea. "I actually think I want more bread," she told Hecate.
xxx
Hecate recounted as much as she could to Pippa, who was breaking off chunks of bread between nods.
"Honestly Hecate, Mildred's made it very clear there's nothing to be forgiven. Why can you not forgive yourself?" Pippa sighed.
"Because I'm an adult Pippa, I was the adult that she was supposed to confide in and I made her feel like she couldn't. I might have done my part since, but it's been done out of guilt and then because I've enjoyed the girl's company, selfish...Always selfish," Hecate reasoned.
"Be kind Hecate, please. The reasons hardly matter!" Pippa reasoned.
"The more I grow to know her, the more awful I feel for my behaviour before," Hecate bit her lip.
"Please Hecate.. Even Duir told you to be proud of what you've done this year. Why must you always feel like you're some kind of monster?" Pippa was growing frustrated, ripping bread with increased gusto. "Nobody is perfect Hecate, we all make mistakes and truthfully I think we're all hiding a darker side of us inside, it's just who we choose to be," Pippa reasoned. "And you're choosing to be the most amazing almost-Godmother to Mildred and it's beautiful to watch. So stop it! It's Yule after all - a time to banish the darkness and start afresh in the light.." Pippa finished triumphantly.
"You're right, Pippa, you're always right," Hecate sighed, drinking the last of her wine.
"It's a blessing and a curse," Pippa smiled and went to get another bottle.
xx