Only in My Dreams

by Madkat89

They had made it through all the dangers of the quest only for the Line of Durin to fall in the Battle of Five Armies. When given the chance to fix it, even if it removes her from their lives, Bella Baggins jumps at the chance. Now all she has left are her memories of the quest, memories that the rest have forgotten. But fate, it seems, is not quite done with Bella Baggins yet.

29. Chapter 29: The Truth Comes Out

Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Truth Comes Out

To everyone - You are loved and we will get through these trying days together. I hope that this story gives you laughter and joy and I hope that you know how much joy all of you bring to me

Bella woke slowly, not wanting to let go of the lovely dream that she'd been having. To think, that Fili might have actually remembered her and actually come to the Shire to fetch her. It was both heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once. Sighing, she gently touched her braid. She needed to stop putting it in, it was clearly causing her to have false hope, which had translated over to her dreams. Opening her eyes, she confirmed that she was alone in her room, no Tauriel anywhere in sight.

She clenched her jaw tightly, breathing out through her nose as she stared at the ceiling and tried to get her emotions under control. She allowed herself three deep breaths in and out before pushing the hurt and anger aside and locking it away. She needed to finish the book and move on with her life. Determination washing through her, she sat up, resolved to finish writing the ending today and quit mooning like a tween. Rising, she dressed in a simple brown skirt and cream blouse with a black corset, practical colors to ground herself and help her to remember that fairy tales didn't come true and happily ever afters didn't necessarily happen. She undid her braid with stiff fingers and stuffed the bead into the pouch clumsily, tucking it eagerly out of sight. The loose curls fell into her eyes and she shoved it impatiently behind her ear. Once she was done writing, she would cut her hair back to a more sensible length. It was time that she became a respectable hobbit once and for all and gave up her silly pining.

She was making her way from her room when she stumbled over a pack leaning against the wall near the door. She frowned at it, not recognizing it and wondering what it the world it was doing in her room. Her eyes widened as she suddenly saw the bow leaning against the wall next to it, the distinctly elven bow. Hope flared almost painfully in her chest and she wrenched open her door, only for the normal silence of the smial to greet her. Torn between hope and fear, she tentatively made her way down the hall and into the kitchen, her heart jack rabbiting in her chest.

She had to lean heavily against the door frame as her legs suddenly refused to support her and she must have made a sound of some sort, because Dwalin who had been quietly working on something at the kitchen table looked up inquisitively. If Dwalin was here, that meant that it hadn't all been a dream, that Fili truly had remembered her.

She must've been pale with shock, because Dwalin pushed to his feet and moved towards her, asking quietly, "Lass, yer pale as a ghost. What's wrong?"

Unable to speak because of the tears suddenly clogging her throat, she found the strength to push of the doorway and run to him, throwing her arms around him while burying her face into his chest and weeping. He scooped her up as easily as a kitten, moving back over to the chair that he had just abandoned and sinking back into it. Rocking her gently, he soothed tenderly, "I've got ye, lass. Yer safe now and we're here. Everything's goin' ta be all right." When she couldn't stop crying, he just tucked her in more comfortably and rumbled, "Go ahead and cry, get it all out of ye. Ye've been a right brave lass for a long time now. I've got ye, just let it out. A little cry never hurt anyone anyway and ye'll feel better when yer done."

She didn't make a sound as she wept, just clung to him hard while tremors wracked her frame and hot tears soaked his tunic. He just allowed her to cry, running his hand soothingly up and down her back, able to guess well enough what had set her off. Although it had been hard on Fili, to have no memories of his One, he at least had been surrounded by kin and kept busy. The lass had undoubtedly gone through it all alone, why, he didn't know yet, although she would tell them when the time was right. But she had had no one to talk to, no one to grieve or mourn with, no one to hope or rebuild with. This was all quite evident by how no one had arrived to check on her the night before or this morning, although word had surely circulated about strangers in the Shire by now. Never again would she be alone, they would all see to that, make sure that she knew how much she was treasured and loved.

Fili and the rest came trooping in a little later, but she didn't even notice their presence as Dwalin hastily signed for them to be quiet. All of them traded troubled glances but slipped quietly away except for Fili. He hovered next to them, his expression torn between frantic fear, desperation, and helplessness. Dwalin motioned for him to sit and that everything would be all right. Fili carefully sat, his hands curled into fists as he watched his beloved crying in Dwalin's arms. He could see no hurt on her, so what then had wounded her to the point of tears?

After what seemed like hours, her tremors finally started to die off and her grip on Dwalin's tunic eased slightly. Seemingly satisfied that she was calming down, the guard stood and moved over to Fili, carefully transferring her over into his arms. Fili stared at him bewildered but Dwalin just stared at him in return for several long moments before nodding and turning, quietly making his way out of the room.

Fili carefully smoothed a hand over her hair, not wanting to upset her further, and hummed an old lullaby that his mother used to sing to him and Kili when they were just dwarflings. His voice seemed to soothe her as she gave a shuddering sigh from where she had tensed and burrowed into him, as if she wanted to hide from the world. He wrapped an arm around her while the other continued to stroke her hair, mindful not to crush her to him as he longed to do, wanting nothing so much as to tuck her in next to his heart where he could keep her safe and protected from all that would harm her.

It took several more minutes for her to calm entirely and her shaking to stop. Finally, she let out a soft, hiccupy sigh and mumbled, "If this is a dream, don't let me wake."

Suddenly understanding her tears, he coaxed her out until he could tilt her face up enough for her eyes to meet his. Even tear ravaged, she was beautiful in his eyes. Pressing his forehead gently to hers, he said softly, "This is no dream, we are really here, I am really here. I'll never leave you again, my Bella."

She whispered softly, her voice hoarse with tears, "I woke alone and thought that I had dreamed you all. I thought that I had lost my mind and simply dreamed what my heart yearned so deeply for. So many times have I ached to be with you again, only to wake alone and cold in a home that contains only ghosts."

He smiled at her gently, pulling back just enough that he could kiss away her tears before pressing his forehead to hers again. "It is not a sin to grieve, love. I have yearned for you as well, so fiercely, even when I could not remember you. How much harder must it have been for you, to have remembered all of us but not been able to say a word? I will spend the rest of my life devoting myself to your happiness, if you will but agree, amralime. For every moment that you felt sad and alone, I will offer you a thousand moments of happiness if it is within my power to do so."

She sighed softly, threading her fingers into his hair and pressing her forehead even more firmly against his. "Fili mine, you have already filled me with much joy. I never thought that I would see you again. To be here, in your arms, it's a gift beyond price. I'm just, rather, overwhelmed. It is so hard to believe that this is real, that this is true." She sniffled and then chuckled wryly, "I don't suppose you have a handkerchief, I forgot to grab one this morning."

Chuckling, he leaned back and pulled out one with a flourish, "Dreadfully handy thing, handkerchiefs. I find that they are a must have when one travels, don't you, love?"

Snagging it from him, she blew her nose as daintily as she could, which wasn't all that dainty after a hefty crying jag. Mopping at her face, she muttered, "I must look positively dreadful and it's a miracle that Dwalin didn't run from Bag End screaming when I went all weepy on him. I don't know what's come over me."

He slid a finger under her chin and lifted it until she met his eyes. He admitted softly, "When I dreamt about what happened that day on the rampart, I wept like a pebble. It was Dwalin that comforted me as well. He understands the pain that we've been through and he cares for you, deeply. He wasn't upset that you cried but honored that you actually trusted him enough to let him see you vulnerable. It will take time, for us to believe that this is real and that we have found one another again. It will also take time to work through the pain and heartache of this separation. But I would walk that road to healing together with you, if you will but let me."

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pressed her lips firmly to his. It was a kiss of brokenness and healing, grief and joy, a shared past and future hope. After several long moments, she pulled back and buried her face in his neck, breathing deeply of the scent that was uniquely Fili to calm herself. He played absently with one of her curls, both of them drawing strength from their nearness.

Finally she sighed and pulled back, meeting his eyes regretfully, "I really need to pull myself together and get some breakfast going before Kili comes barging in here and interrupts us again. Plus, I'm being a terrible hostess, allowing you lot to go hungry first thing in the day."

He gently cupped her cheek, stroking his thumb over her cheekbone, "I think that you are beautiful no matter what, amralime. And none of the others will bother us until you give the word. I'm am sorry that we gave you such distress upon waking alone. I just wanted to surprise you and I needed the others help for it. I should've guessed as to how it would distress you."

Her curiosity piqued at that, even as she smiled warmly at him, "No regrets, Fili mine. We will craft and forge a new path, together. But I am curious as to what surprise it would take all of you to put together."

He rolled his eyes before smiling shyly at her, "Well, originally it was just going to be Tauriel, Ori and I, but where Tauriel goes, Kili follows. And of course, Bifur wanted to know what we were up to, so Bofur came along. Only Dwalin remained behind, to guard you and so that you wouldn't have an empty house to wake to, although that rather failed."

He frowned and she gently reached up and smoothed his brow, "That still doesn't tell me what you were doing, Fili."

He drew a deep breath, "I wanted to make you a courting bouquet, like I did at Beorn's, to show you my intentions, but I needed some help finding the right flowers."

She positively melted at that and nothing would do but for her to steal a kiss from him. When they parted, he teased, "You haven't even seen the bouquet yet, I could've accidentally said something horrible."

She grinned at him, "I don't care, it's the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me. Show me this bouquet and then you can help me start breakfast for our family."

Sucking in a deep breath at her words, he gently placed her on her feet before standing and making his way over to the pile of flowers that he had dropped by the door upon seeing her crying. Carefully rearranging them so that they were tidy, he brought them over and offered them to her shyly. She took them, her cheeks turning pink as she read the message of love and adoration, healing and promises for the future, peace and happiness that the flowers contained. She said softly, her voice husky, "Oh, I see that I'm going to have to keep an eye on you. If you keep on being so sweet and perfect, I'm going to turn into a total watering pot. I've never been offered such a beautiful bouquet before, it moves my heart, dear heart. If I didn't already love you, I think that these flowers would've sent me head over heels."

Relief washed over his face and she couldn't help pressing a kiss to his cheek before bustling off to find a vase to place them in. Filling the vase with water, and taking the opportunity to wash away the evidence of her crying jag, she hummed as she carefully arranged them. Fili peeked over her shoulder and watched quietly for several moments before asking uncertainly, "Bella, is there a reason that you're not wearing your braid?"

She whirled to face him, her eyes wide as she fumbled for the pouch, "Oh my, I totally forgot. I thought that I had dreamt all of you returning and blamed it on the braid, on hanging onto the past. I was determined to move forward, to be happy that you were alive and happy. I was going to finish my story and then cut my hair and do my best to be just a plain hobbit again." She pulled out the bead and offered it shakily to him, "Would you be willing to rebraid it for me?"

Horror washed over his face before it was swiftly replaced with determination, "If the braid makes you remember everything, remember me, you are never allowed to take it out again." He brought a chair over and urged her gently into it before swiftly rebraiding her braid even more intricately than he had the night before. Snagging the bead from her hand, they both sighed in relief when he clipped it into place.

Running a finger lightly over her braid, Fili teased, "If I have to braid every curl individually so that you'll have no choice but to remember me, I will do so."

She laughed at that, feeling relief flowing through her. "You don't have to go quite that far, love. However, I would appreciate it you would braid my hair like you did after Carrock. That was so nice and neat, kept it all under control and out of the way."

He beamed at the request and quickly set to work. She smiled brightly when it was all done, only her betrothal braid hanging loose and tapping reassuringly against her temple. Standing, she ran a hand carefully over it, "Oh, that's so much better. I hope you know that you're going to be stuck being my hairdresser for forever. Now, I really do need to get breakfast started."

He laughed and dropped a kiss on the top of her head, "You act like being your hairdresser is a hardship, I adore your hair. Now, what do I need to do to help out with breakfast?"

Kili paced the parlor anxiously, ignoring Tauriel's attempts to calm him. He couldn't remember seeing Bella cry, ever, and they had been through some pretty rough stuff. So what in the world had reduced her to weeping as brokenheartedly as Fili had that night in Rivendell? He all but flew to Dwalin when the guard entered the room, his expression thoughtful.

Kili demanded, "What is it? What happened? Why was she crying like that?"

Dwalin raised an eyebrow at the impatient lad before moving over and sitting slowly on the sofa, Kili shadowing him uncertainly. Dwalin sighed and told the silent group, "The lass has gone through all of this alone. We didn't remember her, but that might've been a blessing in it's own way. Now she, on the other hand, has known all along where we were, that we were alive and didn't remember her. She's had to face all of this alone for months and months now. As far as she knew, I wager, she didn't know if we'd ever get our memories of her back. And no one was there for her. I'm sure that word of our presence traveled through this place like wildfire. Has a single other hobbit shown up? To check on her, make sure that she was ok? Not a one. The lass hit a wall, I'm sure that she's overwhelmed by all of this."

Both Bofur and Kili were clenching their fists as he spoke, anger and sadness warring on their faces. Kili swore, "Never again, she never has to be alone ever again. We'll take care of her, treasure her."

Dwalin said quietly, "You'll give the lass and your brother space. It'll take time for them to work out all that is between them. But yes, she's ours now and they don't get her back. She's coming to Erebor with us, where we can keep an eye on her and treasure her as is proper."

Tauriel sighed, tugging absently on one of her braids, "This is partially my fault, I should've left her a note or something. She must've thought that she'd dreamed it."

Kili turned to face her, frowning, "Why would you think that?"

Tauriel smiled at him, "Because, there were times when we first started courting, when I didn't see you for days and weeks on end, that I started to think that I had just dreamed it all. I'm sure that she has had dreams that seemed real, only to wake and discover that she was still alone. It isn't hard to put it all together."

Kili sighed, moving over and hugging her gently, "Well, we'll just keep reminding her that it was not a dream then until she actually gets it." He grinned at her, "Would it help if I did something monumentally stupid, something so stupid that she couldn't possibly have dreamed up something like that."

Tauriel laughed, "Why don't we let your brother reassure her first and save that idea for a later date if nothing else works, ok?"

He pouted, but couldn't contain his worry, releasing Tauriel and starting to pace again. He waited for several more minutes before he couldn't contain himself and went to peek in on the pair, see if she was still crying or not. To his relief, the sound of soft laughter was coming from the kitchen. Cautiously peeking around the corner, he drank in the sight before him. Bella and Fili were standing side by side, working on a counter. Fili was chopping something while she was stirring together a batter of some sort. Fili had clearly braided her hair and she looked composed. Fili asked her something and she turned her head and looked up at him.

But what took Kili's breath away was their matching expressions of utter peace and love. He hadn't seen his brother look at peace and happy, actually happy, for well over a year now. Bella said something teasingly to him and he had laughed without taking his eyes off of her, his expression content and adoring. He said something back that made her laugh and reach up to playfully dab a bit of batter on his nose.

Unwilling to break their moment, Kili carefully backed out of the kitchen. They would be just fine, they all would.

Only a short time passed before they had breakfast ready, although she teased Fili that breakfast would've been ready even quicker if he hadn't kept stealing kisses. He just shrugged and kept moving the food out to the other room. When they finally had it all transferred, they called everyone in to eat. Bella quickly claimed Fili's lap again, knowing that she would need his strength to get through the meal and what she had to tell them. But both Fili and she had agreed that it was better if they just told everyone now instead of making them fret the entire way back to Erebor.

Once everyone's plates were filled, she said quietly, "I know that I worried all of you this morning, I want to apologize for that." Kili started to speak but she shook her head and he settled back into his seat. "Fili and I have been talking, and all of you deserve an explanation. You deserve to know what happened, why I'm back here in the Shire and not with all of you at Erebor. And before you ask, it was not the gold sickness. I might've scolded you but good once you had all recovered, but it wouldn't have driven me away. You are all my family, I love all of dearly, I hope that you know that."

Dwalin looked at her solemnly, "You tell us what you need to at your own pace, lass. None of us will push you for more."

She smiled at him, leaning even more into Fili. "Thank you, Dwalin. However, it's better that this comes out now."

She looked at Fili and he rested his forehead briefly on hers and murmured, "You can do this, amralime."

Taking a deep breath, she turned her attention back to the table. "After that morning on the battlements, I went with Gandalf. I was shook up and a little bit angry, but I still hoped that everything would work out all right. However, I had not factored in that thrice cursed orc and his spawn. I spent the majority of the battle looking for all of you, praying that you were safe. But it was all for naught." She swallowed hard, stifling a sob. Fili pulled her even closer to her, trying to reassure her that he was there, alive and unharmed. She wove her fingers through his and continued, "During the battle, the line of Durin fell."

The dwarves looked at each other in confusion, even while Tauriel paled and reached for Kili's hand, as if to reassure herself that he was really there. Dwalin looked back and forth between the two princes, his brow creased in confusion, "What do you mean, lass? They are right here, alive and hale."

Bella nodded, grounding herself in that fact. "Yes, that's true. But it wasn't true then. You all ended up in an ambush set up by Azog. He killed Fili, then Bolg killed Kili. Thorin managed to kill Azog and I hoped, for a moment, that he would survive. But he too, left for the halls. The battle ended, had even been won, but at such a cost. I wept next to Thorin, that day, unable to contain my sorrow at the loss of all three of them."

Fili pulled her closer, murmuring reassuringly in her ear. Feeling stronger now that she had actually voiced the worst bit, she turned and smiled reassuringly at him, pressing a brief kiss to his cheek before turning back to the table. "There, as I wept, Mahal and Yavanna appeared to me. They asked me why I wept and after I told them, they offered me a boon. In exchange for all of your memories of me, they would restore the line of Durin. However, I could never speak or see them again. If any of you realized that I lived or who I was, things would return to what they were. In other words, all three of you would die again."

Kili had paled a little bit as she spoke, but asked firmly, "But that doesn't make any sense. We're here with you right now and we're just fine. And even if that were the case, why did you have to come back here to the Shire?"

She smiled at him, "If you even received word of me, you would die, that's why I had to come back and pretend that I was a normal, hobbity hobbit, as you like to say. But the thing is, Yavanna offered me a boon. If you all remembered me without any mortal help, then you all would live and my lifespan would be extended to match Fili's. If you didn't remember, I would live out my days as a hobbit would."

Ori's eyes widened as he glanced up from where he was writing frantically, "The soul dreams!"

Bella nodded happily, "Yes. I didn't know that was even a thing. But apparently, the soul remembers, if one looks for it."

Kili said firmly, "He was looking. Has been looking for months. When he woke up in the healing tent after battle, he said, 'What about?' but then couldn't finish the sentence. We wrote it off as part of his head injury, but he was looking for you from literally the first moment."

A sigh of relief escaped her and she turned to smile warmly at Fili, her lips trembling slightly, "Oh love. Praise Yavanna and Mahal."

Fili had forgotten entirely about that, but agreed heartily with the sentiment. However, before he could kiss her like he wanted to, she twisted back to face the table. "Does anyone have any more questions?"

This opened the floodgates and the dwarves peppered her with dozens of questions that she answered to the best of her ability. As they talked, Bella felt something in her settle, realign, as she realized that they were real and they were here. Finally, they ran out of both questions and food. Bofur and Bifur offered to take care of the dishes, something that Bella accepted gratefully. All of the dwarves hugged her before scattering about the house to take care of small repairs that they had noticed that the smial was in need of.

Bella stopped Fili and told him to wait in the hall while she changed really quickly. Running to her room, she quickly changed into an emerald green skirt, a white blouse, and a gorgeous goldenrod corset that was reminiscent of the vest that she had worn on the quest. She whirled back out down to the hallway to where Fili was waiting for her.

He looked at her appreciatively, "I'm not saying that you're not gorgeous, because you are, but why did you feel the need to change?"

Snagging her burgundy shawl and her market basket, she handed him the basket before cheerfully looping her arm through his and tugging him out the door. "What a hobbit wears indicates how they are feeling sometimes. I wanted to ground myself in reality this morning when I thought that I had dreamed you, so I wore grounding, somber colors. But now, I want everyone to know how radiantly happy I am."

He grinned at her, "Well, far be it from me to hide your happiness. But I'm puzzled, where are we going?"

Bella grinned before trying to look up at him innocently, "Why, Fili, we're going to the market. After all, I was not expecting such an influx of kin and I simply do not have the staples to feed all of you properly."

He eyed her suspiciously, a smirk curling one corner of his mouth, "Why do I get the feeling that it is much more than that?"

She moved closer to him, laying her head lightly on his shoulder for just a moment before continuing walking. "I'm honestly just going shopping. However, if I get the opportunity to show of my incredibly handsome fiance, well then, who am I to complain?"

He chuckled at that and she joined in. They were almost at the market when she sobered, "I should warn you."

He frowned, concerned by how the sparkle had dimmed slightly in her eyes. "Warn me about what, love?"

She sighed, "I am considered odd around here. You will more than likely hear unkind remarks about myself and possibly even you. I don't care what they think and neither should you. We'll be leaving for home soon, anyway. But I'm asking you anyway to not take offense at what people say. It is unimportant and I don't care." She sighed before trying to lighten the mood. "However, if you want to subtly drop the fact that you are a prince directly in line for the throne, if it won't compromise your safety, I won't demur."

As they walked into the market square, he lifted their entwined hands and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. He murmured, "Your wish is my command, amralime."

They made their way smoothly through the market, only receiving a few slights here and there, all of which were muttered quietly enough that they could ignore it. Bella was surprised when she saw Lobelia also shopping. This was not her usual shopping day. The only thing that she could think of was that Lobelia had heard of her visitors and had come to discreetly investigate. Since the midwinter festival, the two women had reached a peaceable truce, although neither of them would ever be best friends.

However, she was surprised when Lobelia marched up clutching her umbrella and demanded, "What are your intentions towards my cousin, Master Dwarf. And if you're the one that broke her heart, you have a lot of nerve showing your face around here."

Bella hastily intervened, hiding her surprise and unexpected warmth at Lobelia's defense of her. "Cousin, this is my betrothed, Fili of the line of Durin, crown prince of Erebor. Fili, this is my cousin, Mrs. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins of Hobbiton."

Fili bowed deeply to her, something he'd no doubt learned from either Thorin or Balin, "Charmed to make your acquaintance. I appreciate you watching out for my Bella, it warms my heart to find that her relations hold her in such high regard."

If he expected Lobelia to swoon or melt at his charm, he was highly disappointed. Lobelia sniffed haughtily, "Betrothed or not, prince or not, neither of these explain why she returned to the Shire alone."

Bella smiled and reached for Fili's hand, "I'm afraid that that was my fault, Lobelia. I received a report that he was killed in battle. Unable to handle the grief, I headed for the Shire immediately. As it turns out, he was wounded and it has taken him months to heal enough to come after me."

Lobelia eyed them suspiciously, "And why couldn't he have sent you a letter?"

However, Bella had already anticipated that as well, "We met while I was escorting caravans. He didn't know exactly where I lived and as you know, the Shire can be quite the large place for those who don't know it. It has taken him this long to find me and discovering that he is alive brings me great joy. He and his kin have traveled far to bring me home to Erebor. Why don't you come over tomorrow evening and dine with us, so that your mind might be at ease."

Lobelia nodded sharply, "I shall do that indeed. Otho and I will see you at seven, Bella. If you need anything, anything at all, send word." With that, she turned on her heel and strode away.

Fili opened his mouth to speak and she nudged him gently with her elbow, murmuring softly, "We'll discuss this back at Bag End."

He nodded agreeably, allowing her to lead him to the next stall. This proved to be a mistake as the lass manning it was quite bold and didn't care that he was betrothed to Bella. In fact, she straight up told him to leave Bella and that she herself was a much better catch then some spinster of a mad Baggins. Before Fili could open his mouth and verbally shred her, Bella gave her a sharp smile and coolly informed her that she and her family had lost all of Mad Baggins custom then. The lass paled at that, but Bella moved off before the lass could stutter anything out.

They selected a few more items before leaving the market. Once they were out of the market, Bella dropped his arm and stormed ahead, stomping as she stewed and muttered under her breath. Fili searched desperately for something to say to soothe her, but feared that anything he said would only make it worse. Finally, they reached Bag End and she stormed inside. Once Fili was inside, she shut the door firmly before pulling him down into a scorching kiss. Before he could respond, she pulled back and scowled at him, "You are mine, no matter what those shameless hussies may think. I will be in the kitchen and I want to be left alone!" Pulling the basket from his unresisting hands, she turned on her heel and stomped down the hall to the kitchen.

Totally baffled, Fili went in search of Dwalin or Bofur. Surely one of them could give him advice on how to soothe an irate dam when he was seemingly being blamed for something that was entirely not his fault.