Chapter 24.

Sam grabbed a quick breakfast with his mother and then went to the garage. The Impala continued to haunt on Dean's behalf and he found his gaze repeatedly drawn to it, as if looking at it could summon its owner. Usually, the hunters' other vehicles clustered around it, like horses around their leader. Now, everyone seemed to park a little further away, out of respect perhaps, or perhaps, like Sam, they found it a disturbing presence without Dean.

He was still there when Sarah arrived. She parked her elderly Ford near the entrance to the garage and took a box from the passenger seat. "Good morning, Sam, I made some cakes." she said.

"You didn't believe I would call?" he said, slightly wounded by her lack of faith in his word.

"I was almost sure you would, but I thought if you're ready to talk, face to face might be better. You might find it harder to lie to me that way."

"Why do you assume I'll lie?" he said,

"Because I've met you. Of course you intended to lie. How else could you convince me not to worry?"

"Well, I could just honestly tell you I'm fine." he said.

"There, you see. It's much harder to look me in the eye and sell me that raccoon as a Persian cat."

He looked into the unflinching blue eyes. Sarah had seen a lot of people pretending to be okay when they weren't and she knew the Winchesters and had the benefit of Castiel's understanding of them too. Lying to her was stupid and pointless. It was an insult.

"Sorry." he said, "I had to try."

"Of course you did." she said, "But now we can talk properly, yes?"

He nodded. "Okay. And, since you're here, you can also talk to Cas. He's not doing so well."

"Compared to you?"

He smiled. "Well, he's not even trying to pretend he's fine."

"That does sound bad. I'll try to talk to him, although he's avoiding me as effectively as you are. You look exhausted."

"Do I? I thought I was doing okay at looking okay."

"Sleep deprivation is a very effective form of torture. It's so effective that Dean uses it to punish himself when he feels he's failed."

"That's not what I'm doing." said Sam, "I try to sleep, but I can't. And when I do grab a couple of minutes of shut-eye, I have dreams about how badly I'm letting Dean down - again."

"How many archangels do you have to defeat in single combat before you'll feel you're doing a good job?"

"Just one more." he said.

"You don't even know where Michael is. You have no weapon to use against him."

"I didn't know where Dean was when he was in Purgatory either. He didn't consider that a good enough excuse and neither do I." said Sam.

She took his arm. "Where can we talk?" she said.

"My room." he said, "I have a bunker full of people who need to believe the act."

"You feel as if you're standing in for Dean." she said.

"I've felt that way my whole life." he said, starting to walk towards his room.

"Which is strange, when he always talks like you're the natural leader."

"Yeah, well, I'm doing great at that now, aren't I?" he said.

"According to Jules, you are."

He suddenly remembered the whisky. "Maybe we should use the Dean Cave."

"Sam, I had a son. I know what boy's rooms look like when tidying is not a priority."

"I still think ... "

"You don't have to hide anything from me."

"After a bad dream, I decorated my wall in whisky." he said quietly.

She smiled. "Then let's go via the kitchen and get something to clean that up."

"You are not cleaning up after me." he said.

"I need to do something. That's something."

He didn't argue further and when they reached his room, she gestured for him to sit on the bed and she carefully picked up the pieces of broken glass.

"I'm sorry." he said, "It was so dumb."

She waved a hand in the direction of the door. "Out there, you're a calm, rational leader, keeping everyone focused. In here, you have to be allowed to crumble a little."

"I'm crumbling everywhere. Bobby thinks I'm not the right person to lead. He has a point."

"That man can make a fine chicken coop, but if he said that, he doesn't know squat about leadership. If he said that. But maybe you just heard that." She cleaned the sticky mess left by the whisky and then stood up. "There. That's one thing you don't need to worry about."

"Thanks." he said. Not having to be the responsible adult for a moment felt good.

She pulled up a chair and sat down. "You and Castiel are making the same mistake, cutting yourself off from those who could help you. You have a support system, but you're choosing not to use it."

There was no point in denying it. "Yes." he said.

"And you're even avoiding Castiel's help."

"He's in no state to help anyone. He couldn't even look at Jules yesterday. What help do you imagine he could be to me?"

"Well, for a start, he could put you into a deep and dreamless sleep. Why didn't you ask him to last night?"

"Two reasons, really. First, sleep seems like a waste of time when Dean is out there somewhere, controlled by that monster. I can't afford to sleep too deeply. What if I slept through some sign of where Dean is? I need to nap, maybe, but deep sleep is out."

"He can limit the time you sleep."

"Yes, but even half an hour could be too long. If I miss Dean ... "

"Others can look for him too." she said.

"I know. Not such a good leader after all. I can't delegate."

"It could take days or weeks to find Dean." said Sarah.

He nodded.

"What was the other reason for not asking him?" she said.

"He defied Heaven for us, more than once. He fell for us. He died for us several times. I owe Cas so much and how do I repay him? I let Lucifer escape and make a deal with Michael. That made it inevitable that Dean would say yes to Michael. Things were good for him recently. He had Jules, he and Dean had their mindlink thing. He was happy."

"Well, he was getting there." said Sarah.

"The things he's done for me ... for Dean ... for the world ... "

"Michael is to blame, not you."

"Dean is lost because of me. The mindlink is dead. Dean might be too. Castiel has lost his best friend and because that has screwed up his head so much, he's hiding from the woman he loves and Jack is scared he will disappear. I can't even tell Jack he won't, because there is nothing in his eyes but pain."

"Sam ... "

"I can hardly bear to see him like this. He keeps apologising, to me, to Jules. He has nothing to apologise for."

"Neither do you." she said.

"Oh yes, I do. I can't ask him for anything, because I already took everything away from him."