We were all in a group and we had just finished a group and we got a ten minute break to stretch out legs and go to the fresher, but now we were all back in a circle to talk again, and I was getting sick of talking. I got why Chance went to his room and read all day this was emotionally exhausting, and I don't think I could do this for another eighty-six days.
"All right," said Dudly. "We are going to talk about an emotion that everyone struggles with, including myself, and this might bring some stuff up, so we are going to go slow, and if something is too hard we don't have to explore it this week, but we need to try okay. Can everyone try?"
"What the fuck are we going to talk about?" asked Verdo.
"Anger," said Dudly.
Chance just got up.
"Chance!" cried Dudly. "It's not going to be that bad."
"Come on man," I said. "This will be fun. We can let loose."
"Yeah, and try not to get extra days," said Peermens.
"Wait, what?" Shit if I say something and get extra days, then this isn't gonna work. I'm never gonna see my kid.
"Exactly," said Chance. "I have nothing to say."
"Now calm down everybody," said Dudly. "What did I say about people worried about extra days? First of all, as long as you were honest in your intake, you are not going to magically get extra days. None of you are going to get extra days because you have problems with anger, unless you want to act on that anger in such a violent nature I think you or someone else is going to get hurt. So calm down. This is actually one of my favorite groups."
I looked to Verdo, if she stayed and talked, I would too. But if she thought it was too risky I was out of here.
When she sighed, and reclined on the couch, I grabbed a seat on a couch by the window. Taking a cue from me, Mishi snuggled up beside me, curling in a ball protecting herself, and I draped an arm over her to keep her warm. Chance scowled, and grabbed a seat swearing explicits about a pact. Everyone else sat down and got comfortable, and Dudly got started.
"Well, since there a couple of new faces to this group, and I am counting Chance. Lets start with a basic question: are there bad emotions?"
"Yes," said Mishi.
"No,'' said Verdo.
"Who cares if there's alcohol," said Chance.
"And deathstick," said Vednis.
"Meesa no know," cried Flee.
"It's only bad if it gets you in trouble," said Peermans.
"All emotions are bad," I whispered.
Dudley looked at me. "That is an interesting idea, Anakin. Love, devotion, happiness, those are bad?"
"I'm in here because I love someone so much I'll kill for her, so yeah. I can do without emotion."
"Dude, who hurt you?" asked Vednis.
Dudly scribbled something down on the data pad, and I internally cursed myself, cause I just went from 90 days to 95.
"What I mean is," I said, trying to redeem myself, "as Jedi we are taught not to keep emotions bottled up, but to release emotions into the Force and let the Force carry us through. We release everything, anger, grief, love, happiness, so that we are at peace all the time."
"That is a beautiful sentiment," said Dudly, "but is it practical? When your men are killed by the Separatist for no reason, do you really release your pain, or do you hold on to it?"
I was quiet.
"Skywalker, they aren't going to run to the Jedi Order and tell them your answer," said Vardo. "Legally they can't."
"Okay, I don't really do the whole releasing crap. I mean I thought Ahsoka how to do it cause not fifteen year old needs to think if someone dies its her fault. But, yeah, I bury it."
"How does that make you feel?" asked Dudly.
"Normally it makes me feel sick, the whole not eating thing," I said. "Some days, on good days, I can get numb, and just kind of space out."
"I've gotten like that before," said Chance, "But I can't imagine anyone liking it, it scares the hell out of me."
"It sounds like having a black out on drugs, but you're not really blacked out," said Vednis. "That would really fuck me up."
"What Anakin is talking about is called dissociation," said Dudly. "It can be common with an addiction or a mental disorder, and anger can be a trigger for it."
"Why is it happening to Anakin?" asked Mishi.
Dudly looked at me, "I can explain it, but it is a breech in confidentiality."
"Please do," I said, "God knows I don't know what's happening to me."
"It's possible that Anakin had a dissociative episode when his mother died, and when he is in similar circumstances he is having repeating episodes. The war, we fear, is exacerbating the problem."
"Fantastic," I said. "How do I stop it?"
"Learn what we are trying to teach you here. You might still have symptoms, but they should be less severe." He paused a moment. "Flee what do you think, is anger a bad emotion?"
"Messa no know. Messa not angry, messa so sad," she wailed.
Everyone, including me and Mishi this time rolled their eyes.
"Vardo, what about you," said Dudly, "do you think anger is a bad emotion?"
"It's an effective emotion. If I am angry at my husband, he listens more."
Dudly laughs. "I sure. Peermens, thoughts on anger?"
"I'm in here because of anger so I don't know what you guys want me to think."
"Well what do you actually think?"
"I think it's natural and normal, and nothing wrong with it."
"But?"
"No but."
"Alright."
"Padme said that," I thought. When everyone looked at me, I realized that I had talked out loud, and I leaned back into the couch to hide.
"What did Padme say?" asked Dudly.
"Nothing, I already talked."
"It's okay."
"When my mom got… killed, my wife told me that to be angry was to be human. I told her Jedi don't get angry."
"Well, ask a Jedi at dinner, and see what they say."