Rob's arms were crushing her to him and—given the circumstances—he didn't care. When the emotion of the moment engulfed him, destroyed him, surrounded him, he'd lost it. A full explosion of emotion pent up had made him a blubbering mess. It couldn't be real, he mused. It wasn't true, he argued with himself.
Normally, he'd be mortified and horrified to have acted in such a way, but he wasn't. To his surprise and reprieve, she was sobbing just as much as he was and that told him a lot.
She'd just sent him away, said she couldn't be with him now, and she'd meant it. Regina didn't say things she didn't mean. When he realized she was pregnant, his whole world erupted with joy. With a joy so tender, so encompassing, it swallowed him. It didn't matter what else was going on. That simple piece of news was the best feeling in the world. A feeling he'd missed out on.
In Rob's mind, he was meant to be there for it all. He'd missed the agony of wondering if they were pregnant. He'd missed the anxiety of waiting to hear the results, last time and this time. Now, she was here, and he wasn't going to miss a thing.
If she tried to push him away now, she'd have an uphill battle on her hands. He wasn't going to let her.
His arms held her to him with such force, he slowly realized she was shuddering from her own tears. To comfort, he loosened his grip and used his hands to caress her shoulders, her back. His instinct was to hold. To soothe. But he needed to look at her. To see her eyes.
Slowly and reluctantly, he leaned back. He cupped her face gently and scanned her face. "How long have you known?"
She swallowed. "Since our last day together," she admitted. "I wasn't myself."
"You knew?" He frowned.
"No," her arms tightened around him. "I…I can't breathe." Slipping out of his arms, she took a few deep breaths and paced. "I was at the store and when I went to get some ladies things, it hit me. I hadn't bought them in a couple of months. I was so stressed out, I hardly noticed what was going on." Her feet were bare now, she'd toed off her heels.
Of all things, his eyes focused on her burgundy toenails. Absurd, he thought.
"I was distracted and talking to Maggie on the phone. I freaked out and I left and got home. I didn't realize that you'd be here, and I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind." She stopped. "Maggie made me go get a test that night. I couldn't even think, and I don't even know what I said to you."
Holding on to his disappointment, he asked, "Why did it take you so long to tell me?"
"I needed to wrap my head around it. We didn't plan this, Robin." Her voice was high, and he knew it meant she was panicked. "This was all happening too fast for me. I couldn't catch my breath. I'm still overwhelmed."
"Is this why you didn't take the job? Because you're pregnant?" He swallowed his emotions. "Are you just telling me because you feel guilty?"
To his surprise, heat flooded her cheeks and her eyes turned hard. "No. I'd never do that to you. It just so happens that when I found out I sat down and had to look at myself. Not to mention, I had Maggie kicking my butt around every thought I had."
Crossing her arms, she sighed. "Maggie gave me an ultimatum, I had to tell you today or she'd do it for me. I wanted to tell you, but I feared what was in my mind."
That a girl, he thought. Maggie was his hero, he decided. "What did you find?"
Sitting down, she brought her knees up to her chest. Wrapping her arms around her legs, she rested her chin on her knees. He thought she looked fragile and small that way. "I talked to my therapist and she helped me see some things I've buried. I'm still ashamed."
Softening, he sat beside her. "I thought you'd made good progress in getting past that. I know it won't ever go away, but you said you felt better."
"I thought so too, but it isn't easy. I still want to be independent." Her head turned and their eyes met. "I need to do things on my own. I can't have you stepping in every time I mess up. You have this way about you, and I don't have the guts to tell you to stop."
Unsure of where to go, he asked, "How do I help you?"
"I need to fight my own battles, pay for things, and I need to be emotionally self-reliant. I can't put all my emotions on you and expect you to carry me. I feel like I've used you as a crutch. I feel amazing when I'm with you." Touching his hand, she smiled.
"But when I'm alone, I let it all back in. I need to handle it alone. I need room to do them, to figure out who it is I am."
"I know who you are," he said simply. Taking her hand, he kissed her knuckles. "In here." He pressed his hand to her heart and felt the strong steady beat.
"I don't know who I am outside of being a lawyer, or a…"
"Don't say it, you'll piss me off," he said darkly. The look on her face told him she was about to degrade herself and he wouldn't stand for it.
"I need to figure out how to be independent and feel secure in myself."
His thoughts shifted, released ideas, discarded others. When he spoke, he hoped it would be a good solution. "What do you need from me?" He kissed her hand again. "Space? To live alone. What?"
Pressing her hand to his cheek, she kissed him. Her lips tasted like pie. She pulled away too quickly. "I might need to stand on my own for a little while."
Closing his eyes, he asked, "Where does that leave us? I can't be jerked around here, Regina. I just can't handle it. I did it once and we spent a decade apart. I'll do what you want, but you've gotta be honest with me. If you want me, I need to know. If that means, I give you some space, I will. But I need to know the general trajectory."
"I love you," she said.
"Enough to spend your life with me? I'm not asking that you promise me that now," he argued. "I need to know in the long run what's coming. I can't keep turning myself inside out like this. It hurts too much. I don't have it in me."
"Robin." She wrapped her arms around him. For a minute, he buried his face in her hair. "I need you to be patient with me."
"I have been," he said. "Tell me, you want me." Before she could, he indulged himself by closing his mouth over hers and sinking into the sweetness of her lips. "Tell me what you want."
"I've never wanted anyone else," she whispered. "So, be patient with me. I want what you promised me, but I need to figure out what's inside my head."
"I'm gonna hold you to that," he said and kissed her again. Slow, steady, and as he let himself drift into the flavor and feel of her, an idea came to mind.
"I think you should take the house."
"What?" Her frown made her brows curl and her skin wrinkle.
"I bought that house and fixed it up for you. That house is more yours than it is mine. If you need to feel secure in your ability to support yourself, move in. Pay for the utilities, the land taxes, pay for whatever you want to change. I don't care. It's yours."
"But I can't do that, Robin. That's your house."
"I moved out, Regina. It's empty. The furniture is in storage. If you want it, make it into a place for you. I'll stay in the cabin here. If you need your space, take it. I'll make sure you're set up and I'll help fix the alternator in your car. If I can help you, I'd like to do it like this."
Her eyes scanned his face. "Why do you give me everything I want? I don't deserve it."
Framing her face with his hands, he kissed her forehead. "You deserve everything. I made a promise to you when we were kids. Do you remember?"
"Not specifically," she said looking confused. He liked her that way, confused and searching. He remembered that summer with perfect clarity.
"I promised to take care of you in any way I could as long as you let me. Ten years ago, I tried to take care of you. When I stepped up, you stepped out. I had to live with that pain. If you need to live alone, take care of yourself for a while, I understand. But Regina," he said seriously. "I'll be damned if I miss anything this time."
He took her hands and squeezed. "If you want to put the breaks on this romantically, I'm all for it. I'll help you with whatever you need. All you have to do is ask, but when it comes to this baby." He glanced down at her flat belly. "I don't want to miss anything."
"Okay," she nodded. "I promise."
"If we're gonna do this right, I'm gonna take advantage for a minute." Before she realized his meaning, he yanked her against him and took her mouth hot and deep and long. If this was the last time, he was going to kiss her, he'd damn well make it memorable.
He felt himself sliding down into the dizziness of desire. The fire in him threatened to engulf him, but he held it tightly. When she yielded, he changed the angle and sunk into her sweet surrender.
When he finally lifted his head, her eyes were clouded, her lips swollen. "I needed that." Nudging her shoulders, she sat up. "Come on, let's go see what trouble Roland's got himself into." He extended his hand and companionably, they walked down the stairs.
…
Regina stood on the back porch of the house as movers, with the assistance of Rob and Tuck, carried in furniture and boxes. Crossing to the planters, she babied the flowers with water. The hummingbird feeder was filled with bright red sugar water. Around the back, she'd planted lavender and hoped they'd bloom big and flashy.
Rob had been right, she mused. The house with all its charm, character, and sturdiness was exactly what she loved. Roland had been ecstatic to hear they'd be moving in. And he'd been disappointed to hear Rob wouldn't be. That had been a losing battle, she recalled.
Despite it, Rob promised to be involved as much as he could. He'd met with the principal of Bradford's Elementary and set Roland up for his first day. It had gone smoother than they'd hoped. He'd made a friend on the first day, she smiled. Little Jodi.
As she looked out in the yard, Roland and Jodi were climbing a tree and swinging from a tire swing. Proud of her son, she sat and enjoyed the cool weather. Flurries had fallen the night before and left behind a dust of snow. Not enough to stick, but enough to turn the dirt to mud.
With her request to be moved in by Christmas, Rob had made sure it happened. Just three more days, she thought. Tomorrow, they'd go down to the tree lot and have one chopped down. It would dominate the living room. Closing her eyes, she could see it.
Lights strung around the branches, popcorn, and candy canes look bright and cheery. Ornaments in silver, gold, and red. She compromised with the action figure ornaments Roland picked out. To counter, she chose snowmen, snowflakes, and holly. She couldn't wait to see it all decorated.
Therapy was working wonders, she mused. Dr. Yonkers was based in the town and she found her to be better than her online appointments. To put it mildly, Dr. Yonkers gave it to her straight. Gentle but firm, she helped Regina sort out her emotions. It gave her a sense of self-awareness she didn't think she had.
Just yesterday, she mused, she'd been feeling shame and embarrassment when her name came up at the local diner. A local woman, Trudy Wade, recognized her from the news. It had been a dark moment, but she'd survived it. Then, she'd cried on Dr. Yonkers couch.
Reflecting on how she felt, she heard a commotion inside. Making her way to the living room, she watched Rob and Tuck wrestle in the new wraparound couch into place. "This fucker is heavy," Tuck complained. He winced when it landed on his foot. Quickly, he lifted it and his foot was free. "Heavy bastard."
Rob cleared his throat. When Tuck turned, he blanched. "Sorry, Regina. I didn't see you standing there. Pardon my language."
"I think you earned it. How's the foot?"
"I'll live," he grinned. "It looks great, you called that one." He'd bet Rob twenty dollars it wouldn't fit. Rob would be richer, she mused.
Tuck went outside and Rob asked, "Where are the kids?"
"Climbing the trees, being kids."
He walked to her and lifted her chin, moved it right to left. "How are you feeling? You look a little pale, a little green maybe."
It was so unnerving that he could tell when she was feeling nauseous or too tired. Both at the same time, she thought. "I'll be fine," she edged around him and ran her fingers over the deep gray couch. "I love it." Under her feet, a white and gray checkered rug would go nicely.
"I knew you would. I've got the dresser in the truck. I could use a break. Got anything to eat?" He was sweating, his shirt dripping, his hat soaked.
"Sit down, I'll fix something." In the kitchen, he sat while she pulled out sandwich ingredients. Holding her breath had become a skill. Lunchmeat, for whatever reason, made her want to vomit. Eggs too. Strange how some foods become disgusting when you're pregnant. "Dr. Norman called."
"Oh? What did he say about moving the appointment?" Glancing over her shoulder, he took a big gulp of the water he poured.
"Tomorrow at three," she relayed. "Roland's teacher called and sent over the assignments for a break. He'll catch up by New Year."
"Good. It sucks that his credits weren't all transferable. He's a smart kid, he'll be fine." Regina set the sandwich down and watched him take a huge bite. Around that bite, he said. "Mom wants to invite you to Christmas dinner. Says you're required."
"I talked to her already. Maggie and I are bringing the turkey and the ham."
"What about the pie?" His mouth was busy chewing.
"Nope."
"What do you mean nope?" He looked shocked.
Smirking, she said, "I'm having Donna bring her pies. All of them."
"Don't play with me like that," he said. Rob and she discovered a little bakery next to the building she hoped to buy for her practice. Donna Sutherland made the best pies in the world. Rob couldn't get enough.
"I'm not playing. I invited her and her husband. They're going to the festival with us too. I hope you don't mind."
Swallowing the last bite, he shook his head. "The more the merrier. I like Rob. He's a cool guy. Hell, I'll invite Tuck and Yvonne. Make it a big thing."
"Alright." Suddenly, she clutched her stomach and felt bile rise in her throat. For a second, she stood still. Then made a dash for the bathroom in time to empty her stomach. In her hurry, she failed to close the door.
Rob stood behind her and gathered her hair up out of her face. "I don't want you to see me like this," she groaned and threw up again.
"Hush." He rubbed her back as he wet a washcloth and handed it to her. "Better?"
"Yea." He tucked her hair behind her ears. "Did you eat today?"
"This morning," she admitted. "I can't keep anything down."
Frowning, he toyed with her hair. "Maybe there's something they can give you. Don't forget to ask tomorrow." He swung the mirror and took out a toothbrush and handed it to her. Kissing her on the forehead, he walked out. "I'll get back to work. Go sit down and rest."
An hour later, Regina woke like the dead. She'd sat on the new couch and cuddled into one of the plush red pillows. Opening her eyes, she listened but heard nothing. A hand caressed her leg and she turned to see Rob sitting next to her.
A movie was playing, and Roland and Jodi were involved in a villain blowing up a building. The cartoon danced on the screen and she heard giggles. Rob glanced over and caught her eye. "Feel better?"
She nodded. He stood and held out a hand. "I made dinner." Leading her to the table, he put a plate on the table. Sat across from her. "Tomorrow, I'll pick you up to get the tree. I emptied out the bed of my truck. Tuck will bring the rest of the boxes for Roland's room."
Taking a bite, she thanked him and moaned around her fork. He laughed. "That good, huh?"
"What is this?"
He frowned, "Chicken. I put some spice on it."
"It's really good," she declared and took another bite.
"I think that baby is dulling your senses. It's not that great."
While she ate, he talked about his plans for the next day. They'd done that so casually now. Each knew what the other was doing. They called, texted, and they spent time together. To her wishes, he didn't pressure her. They didn't behave romantically. It was comfortable and she liked that he respected her.
At times, she wished she could lay with him and sleep in his arms, but it wasn't in the cards. Not yet. Dr. Yonkers explained that trauma can lead to bad decision making. To heal is to grow and to do things that are normal. So, until she felt she could fully forgive herself, she should remain single. However, given the circumstances, she'd told Regina to follow her heart. To listen to her gut.
When Rob left that night, he paused in the doorway. "I love you." Without fail, when he left, he'd say he loved her. It wasn't a ploy to hear it. It was simply his way of expressing himself and he didn't want her to forget. His lips rested against her temple, as it did each time, he left her. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Then, he knelt and pressed his ear to her belly. "I love you, too." As he did every time, he kissed her belly, stood, and grinned. "Goodnight, mama."
"Goodnight, papa." He kissed her knuckles and she watched until his headlights disappeared down the drive. Tucked in her bed, she couldn't help but fall asleep with a smile on her face.