She was full of adrenaline as they arrived in Albus' office. Minerva had met them at the entrance hall, reassured them that Serena was not needed in the infirmary, and sent them up to the Headmaster's office. Apparently, Professor Hooch would be fine. She spotted several student's heads poke out of classrooms and saw a red-headed prefect stalking the transfiguration corridor importantly.
When they entered Albus' office the mood was tense. Severus was standing at the far end of the room, his black robes hanging heavily behind him. His back was straight and his posture was tense. He turned around jerkily when they entered, looked them both over and then went back to staring out of the window. Albus was sitting behind his desk and Pomona and Filius were standing on the other side. Pomona came and squeezed their hands tightly.
"Thank goodness you're ok."
She gave the older witch a reassuring smile and turned to Albus.
"Quite successful, I believe. They were surprised by our reactivity, I don't think they were expecting us at all."
"My dear child, you're bleeding," Albus swept around to her, gesturing towards her arm that was stained in crusty blood, but she waved him off. "It's nothing, it's healed, don't worry." She smoothed down her hair and wiped more sweat from her grubby face.
The door opened and Minerva came through with Dawlish the auror. They nodded proudly at everyone and Dawlish started talking numbers with Dumbledore.
Severus, who hadn't moved an inch from the window suddenly spoke. "Albus, a word, if you please." His voice was sharp and had no room for argument. His eyes lingered curiously on Serena and she gave him a small smile from across the room.
Albus left them and moved to the other side of his office to Severus. Severus murmured something and pointed out of the window. Albus' shoulders seemed to slump and he looked back towards the room, looking worried. His gaze caught Serena's and he opened his mouth as if to speak, and then shut it again. He muttered something to Severus just as the door opened behind Serena.
Remus entered with Tonks at his heels. Serena felt relieved to see him, but something stopped her from rushing over, something seemed off, and the others had sensed it too. A hush fell on the room as Remus shut the door behind him and Serena looked properly now at Tonks, whose eyes were red and puffy.
Remus swallowed and looked at Albus who had moved back into the centre of the room.
"Albus-"
"I know," Albus said quietly.
"What's going on?" asked Serena lightly, a strange, panicky feeling building in her stomach. "Remus, where's Kingsley?"
But Remus was looking at Albus, a strange, silent conversation happening between them, and Albus stepped forward and touched her shoulder lightly.
"Serena-"
"Remus, where is Kingsley?" she said more urgently now, stepping away from Albus' touch. What was going on? Why were they all behaving so strangely?
Remus took a deep breath and stepped forward to meet her. "He's not coming," he said quietly, his eyes filling with tears as he looked desperately at Albus, begging him to deliver the news instead.
Surprisingly, it was Severus that stepped forward and spoke in a grave, quiet voice. "Serena, Kingsley is dead."
Serena whirled around to look at him and then flipped back to Remus who had tears welling in his eyes. Tonks was openly sobbing behind him.
"Wh-what do you mean?" she looked between the two wizards, her legs feeling weak and unstable. "What-"
"He's dead," Severus repeated more firmly; looking her squarely in the eyes, hating himself for doing this to her, but well aware that everyone else was too cowardly to do it. "I've just seen his body from the window."
"Wh- what, what the fuck are you- why are you- why are you lying like this!" she shouted finally, anger building inside her, "why would you hurt me like that!" She didn't even see the others in the room as she rounded on Severus. "You- you sick fuck:" she screamed, advancing on him and drawing her wand. Severus didn't move an inch.
"Serena, wait" Remus spoke quickly behind her and she whirled around again. "It's true, he's- he's dead… He went to check the hills… she surprised him… Bellatrix…"
"No, no, no," she moaned, shaking her head at him and feeling her mind starting to spin. "But he can't be, we've only just- I mean we've only just, haven't we? He can't…" her head span further, she felt as though she was falling, falling hard, falling far, falling out of control all alone, so deep that she didn't hear the sharp voice calling her name, or feel the hands shaking her shoulders until she saw a flash of light and all was dark.
Severus had felt it before the others, the sudden drop in temperature, the slight trembling in the stone floor that got louder and stronger until the others shrieked in confusion. He drew his wand and moved closer to her, shouting to the others to get against the walls. Albus was the only one that didn't move. "Serena!" he shouted at the girl, swaying in the middle of the room. "Serena!" He saw his own breath as he shouted, saw potions starting to freeze over, and cracks starting to appear in the floor, "Goddammit Serena you need to get control!" he took another tentative step towards her and reached out carefully to shake her shoulder but one look in her eyes told him all he needed, he felt icicles forming on his eyelashes, heard the cries of the others and did the only thing he could;
"Finite incantatem! Trancia! Stupefy!" He caught her before her head hit the floor and felt relief as the temperature began to return to normal almost immediately. He crouched awkwardly with her draped over his arms, one hand around her shoulders and the other cradling her head. He breathed deeply, ignoring the voices around him, and shifted, picking her up properly and standing straight with her slumped in his arms.
"Severus!" said Minerva in a high voice, "What did you-"
"You felt what was happening, Minerva," he snapped, "Another second more and she'd have killed us all."
Albus nodded in the stunned silence. "Severus understands Serena's magic more than the rest of us," he explained.
"I'll take her to the hospital wing," Severus said curtly. "Bring her wand," he said to Remus. He shifted Serena in his arms and walked past them all and out of the door.
The hospital wing was far from Albus' office, but he did not feel the weight of her body, his mind was elsewhere, because that was when he realised- here was his epiphany and the weight of the knowledge shook him.
Because at seeing this wonderful, strong, determined, brilliant witch deteriorate mentally before his very eyes, at his very words, he realised that he loved her.
As he looked down at her open mouth, her bloody arm, and her mangled hair, he knew he loved her.
He loved her because he would do anything to bring Kingsley back, just to make her happy again, even if that meant standing by and watching her live her life with another man.
He loved her, and the thought terrified him, because he knew how much it would hurt him, just as love was hurting her.
Remus had run ahead and warned Poppy and as Severus entered the hospital wing he was ushered into a private room for teachers at the end of the hall. He lowered Serena gently onto the bed, looking painfully at her tear-stained face and bloody clothes.
Poppy scurried in, dabbing her eyes with a tissue, and looked down at Serena with tears in her eyes. "Oh the poor girl!"
She waved her wand over Serena, healed the cuts to her arm and used a siphoning spell to take off the dried blood.
"It's freezing in here," Remus frowned, looking around the small room. "Is it her?"
Severus gave a curt nod. He was trying to think about how best to handle Serena's magic. Grief had always been a loophole in the efficiency of her potion, but he hadn't planned for the possibility that her grief be this strong and linked to the one person he had told her to confide in.
"Physically, she has no injuries," Poppy sniffed, looking at Severus and Remus who lingered together awkwardly in the doorway.
"She will need a strong calming draught when she wakes and we must wake her quickly," Severus said curtly, noticing that he could see his breath when he spoke now.
Poppy fetched one and Severus took out his wand, casting strong protective spells around the walls. Remus looked at him as though he was mad.
"Didn't you feel her magic in Dumbledore's office?" Severus snapped.
"Of course, but do you really think-"
"Serena is the most powerful witch I know," he interrupted quietly. "Except that she's not in control of her magic now. I'm sure you can appreciate how dangerous that can be."
Remus didn't say anything but he wrapped his cloak tightly around him in the cold air.
Poppy came back with her potion and moved to the young witch, her wand ready to wake her. Severus, unsure of what would happen, still had his wand fixed on her too.
"Rennervate." Poppy murmured.
Serena took a few seconds to come round, blinking in the bright light of the room and frowning. When she saw the three of them staring at her it all came flooding back and panic started.
"Serena dear," began Poppy, but Serena sought out Severus' eyes and stared at him in horror. He could feel the air getting even colder and he stepped forward.
"Serena."
"Severus!" she gasped, tears welling in her eyes. "Did I hurt anyone? I lost control! I couldn't feel anything, I knew it was happening but I- Are they ok-"
"Serena, you didn't hurt anyone-"
"It's happening again, I can feel it, what do I-"
"Stop panicking woman and listen to me," he ordered in a sharp voice that shocked her into silence.
"You need to drink a potion. Focus. Close your eyes. Focus on the particles. Use the power of your mind."
Serena did as he said without thinking about it. She willed her mind into shape, bringing forth her second vision and concentrating on the water particles in the vial of potion she now saw coming closer to her. She reached out blindly and drank it, feeling instantly calmer as it hit the back of her throat. She breathed deeply and opened her eyes, seeking out Severus.
"Is it working?"
Severus was casting spells over her. "For the time-being. You'll just have to wear a coat."
Serena snorted and then her eyes filled up and welled over. Remus rushed to her side and pulled her into a tight hug. She sat up, sobbing into his shoulder uncontrollably as he rubbed small circles on her back and whispered reassurances into her ear.
Severus, feeling out of place, stepped outside into the ward where he fell face to face with a grave looking Albus.
"I have had everyone's report," he said quietly to Severus. "We really were extremely unlucky. You had no information confirming Bellatrix?"
Severus gritted his teeth. "I gave you all the information I had."
Albus nodded thoughtfully. "How is she?"
"Physically, fine. But she has no control over her powers. This was a risk we were aware of."
"You must stay with her, Severus, until you find a solution. We can not have her being a risk in the castle."
"Then let her stay here," Severus protested, "Poppy can-"
"You know that Poppy does not know her well enough. You are the one that has studied her capabilities and understands them best-"
"Yes, but let's not forget that she has just lost her bloody fiancé, Albus! I don't think she will want me around, funnily enough!"
"Serena has always been fearful of her powers, it will reassure her, now there is nothing more to say on the matter."
Severus clenched his fists and looked at the older wizard with fury. They were interrupted by Serena and Remus who walked through the door, with Poppy protesting behind them.
"Please, Albus," she said quietly, "I don't think Severus should have to give up any more of his time for me."
"Severus knows you, Serena, and he is the safest option, now it's decided."
Serena looked guiltily at Severus who avoided her gaze.
She turned to Remus who checked his watch. "I need to go now," Remus said to her, looking anxious. "Severus has your wand, I'll be out of it tomorrow but I'll come by first thing the day after, ok?"
He pulled her into a tight hug and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Be strong," he said quietly. "We're all here for you."
She could only nod, feeling slightly numb, and watched him hurry off to his rooms for his transformation. She could see the full moon through the tall windows and realised that she should be at a music concert right now, with Kingsley.
"I'm gonna go back to my quarters too," she said quietly. "Unless you need my report, Albus?"
"Not at all, child, not at all, you need to rest."
Serena made a non-committal noise and looked at Severus. "How long will the calming draught work for?"
"Unsure. I have a few… ideas to try. I shall pass by my potions laboratory and pick up my notes, then I shall join you?" There was a hint of question in the air as he spoke, although they both knew he didn't have a choice.
"Of course."
They left the hospital wing together, although Poppy was still protesting that Serena should stay for at least another few days.
"Can I have my wand?" she asked in a flat voice.
Severus hesitated. "I'm not sure."
"Well then can you sort my hair and clean my face because there's a possibility we're going to bump into some curious students."
Severus gave her the wand and watched her closely. She couldn't manage either of the two charms, no matter how hard she concentrated, she felt even worse as tiny, pathetic sparks flickered feebly out of the tip of her wand.
"Is it because I lost control?" she asked in a small voice.
Severus took his wand out, cleaned and refreshed her face and then scrunched up his nose at her hair. "If you don't want to be bald you may wish to do your own hair."
She snorted and patted it the best she could with her hands. "Thanks. See you in a bit?"
Severus nodded and descended the stairs down to the dungeons.
She watched him go, rooted to the spot, feeling the panic creep back up into her. Her breaths came short and quick and she felt suddenly very hot. She needed to get back to her rooms. She half ran through the corridors to her quarters, fumbling with the wards that were thankfully linked to her touch and not to her magic, and slammed the door behind her.
She leant against it and slid down to the floor as all the feeling seeped out of her legs and the deep breaths became heaving sobs that wrenched at her insides and tore her apart. She had never cried so hard in her life. She thought about her Kingsley, her man, her everything, about how empty her life was going to be without him, about how he had died, about what she was going to do now, about the empty aching hole inside of her.
She moaned in pain, hugging her knees tightly with her arms and rocking backwards and forwards, tears streaming down her face. She was alone. She was completely alone. Kingsley had been her rock since she was a teenager, he had saved her, loved her, forgiven her, and she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with him and he had been torn away from her, torn away by a Death Eater.
Her breathing slowed and she blinked through her falling tears, opening her eyes and seeing her breath in the air before her. The anger she felt centred her, calmed her down and made her brain focus. Bellatrix. Bellatrix had killed him. Bellatrix had murdered her Kingsley. And Bellatrix would pay.
She breathed slowly until she had calmed down and carefully stood up.
She didn't know what to do with herself. She walked to her sideboard and pulled out an unopened bottle of whiskey and a glass and poured herself a double measure. She sat down on the sofa and looked around her room, feeling like she was seeing the place for the first time; It didn't feel like her room anymore, she realised, she felt like a stranger. All of the memories she had in there seemed so far away.
She looked at the space next to her and remembered how she had sat aside Kingsley, half naked, just hours ago. When she looked at her armchair she saw him sat snuggly in it, a quill in his hand, writing a report. She saw him making coffee in her kitchen, saw him showering with her in her bathroom, and saw him gloriously naked in her bedroom, making love to her. On the mantlepiece she saw the two of them in a photo, laughing and drinking in The Three Broomsticks.
Never again would she be so happy.
She tipped back her glass and poured herself another one. She tried to light a fire but without magic she couldn't. She pulled the blanket from the side of the sofa and wrapped it around herself. It was bloody freezing.
She sat, staring into the room for what seemed like hours. Sometimes, tears ran down her face, and sometimes, she just gazed unseeingly with glassy eyes, her mind full of images that could only torment her.
There was a knock on the door. She looked at it. She used to be so excited when she knew Kingsley would come through that door. She thought of all the nights they would sneak into each other's rooms like naughty teenagers, or pretend to say goodnight outside, before flooing back over.
The knock came again, more persistent this time.
She looked at the door. Maybe if she ignored it they would go away. She didn't need a babysitter, she didn't want to see anyone, she didn't want their stupid pity and their sad, understanding gazes.
There was a sharp bang behind the door and she heard a deep voice swearing. She heaved herself to her feet and opened the door.
Severus stood glaring at her, the hand held before him was red and slightly smoking and there was a hand-shaped scorch mark on her wooden door.
He pushed past her angrily, dumped a black leather bag in the middle of the floor and continued glaring as she closed the door and turned to him.
"Sorry, I didn't hear you knock."
Severus scoffed sarcastically. "Of course you didn't. Do explain to me, though, why your wards are linked to blood magic?"
Serena sat back on the sofa and shrugged. "Better to be safe than sorry. The wards to your rooms are protected with worse if I remember correctly."
He scowled and began tracing his burnt hand with his wand. "I have more reason than you to have strong wards," he muttered. "For fuck's sake."
Serena huffed and beckoned him to her. "Give it here."
Severus hesitated. "I don't-"
"It's not my magic is it, it should work. And don't worry, I won't feel your precious emotions, I can't feel fucking anything."
"How so?" he asked curiously.
"Touched Remus, touched Poppy, didn't feel a single fucking thing." Her voice was flat and lifeless, but she still held out her hand to him. Severus, reassured by what she had said, stepped closer. He couldn't risk her feeling what he had discovered not long ago. Not now, not ever. If ever she felt his feelings, felt his overwhelming and unconditional love for her, she would hate him. She would push him away, she would be disgusted, and she would never want to see him again.
Slowly, he held out his palm to her. She winced as she looked at it but took his wrist with her small hand and closed her eyes.
It took her longer than usual, but after almost a minute she hissed with pain and then let go of him. His skin was pale and rough and normal once more.
He grunted his thanks and looked around her living room, feeling like he was intruding.
"Sit down," she sighed, curling her legs up on the sofa and taking another sip of her whiskey, liking how the burn of the amber liquid meant that she could at least feel something.
Severus took off his cloak and sat down awkwardly into her armchair. She had to quickly blink away the memory of Kingsley sitting there, and instead took another drink.
"Can you light a fire?" she asked. "It's fucking freezing in here."
Severus complied and then sat looking at her out of the corner of his eye. He didn't quite know what to do. He was expecting her to burst into tears at any moment and emotional witches were definitely not his thing.
Serena sighed. "What am I supposed to do now?" she spoke more to herself than to Severus who gaped unhelpfully at her question. "Am I supposed to contact Samuel? Or should I go to him? Is it too much for a letter? I don't even know where he lives!"
"Samuel is..?"
"Kingsley's brother," she said in almost a whisper. "I need to let him know. I suppose I could wait until tomorrow, but-"
"This will be in The Prophet," Severus said quietly. "You're best writing to him tonight."
She nodded thoughtfully and then looked about for some parchment and a quill. She was still in her blood-soaked t shirt and ripped jeans, she noticed but she didn't really care for the moment. She sat down at her desk with the quill in her hand and stared at the blank parchment. She stared for a long time. When tears started to drip onto the paper Severus got up and stood next to her.
"Dear Samuel," he said in a low voice, pointing his wand at the parchment. As he spoke, the words wrote themselves on the page in her handwriting and she watched as he dictated her letter for her.
"I am writing to you with bad news. This evening, Death Eaters attacked the village of Hogsmeade. Kingsley was killed in the fight. He died saving many people's lives. He fought well. I have not yet come to terms with what has happened… You can find me at Hogwarts. Serena."
Serena folded up the letter with shaking hands. Severus waved his wand and a minute later a Hogwarts owl sat on her window ledge. She stood, trembling, tied it onto the leg of the bird and watched it fly away.
She couldn't help the sob that caught in her throat, thinking of how Samuel and his boy Max would take the news. Kingsley was his only brother. Their parents had both passed away, and now Samuel would be alone too.
She stood, sobbing, feeling completely lost and alone, until Severus cleared his throat behind her.
She spun round. She had almost forgotten he was there. She rubbed at her tears furiously. "I'm so sorry. This must be awful for you, stuck here babysitting me. I really am fine, you know, you don't have to stay-"
"Albus would skin me alive," he said curtly. "My hope is that your magic rightens itself within a few days." He sat back into the armchair and started pulling papers from his bag. Serena recognised the notes he had taken when he had been working on her potion.
"Come," his voice was surprisingly gentle. Serena took her whiskey, conjured a second glass for him and poured them a good measure.
Severus looked as though he was going to say something and then thought better of it, excepting the drink wordlessly. He took a large sip and then started laying papers down on the coffee table. Serena sat cross-legged on her fluffy rug and leant on the table, looking at his spiky writing but not quite seeing the words. That potion had been a silent promise of a future with Kingsley. They had thought that the worst was behind them, they had overcome the challenge life had thrown at them and pushed through the other end, and yet they would never have their happy ending now.
Severus was watching her with a slightly startled look on his face. He clearly did not know what to do with a grieving witch.
"Sorry, what did you say?" she asked, her cheeks burning.
Severus cleared his throat and pointed to something in his notes. "I was simply saying that since we knew there was a loophole I had started to think about different possibilities of adding solutions to your potion at a later date, I just… I didn't expect it to be so soon," he finished uncomfortably.
"Right," she said in a croaky voice. "So, erm, what do we need to do then?"
"We don't have to do anything right now if you don't want to," he said quietly, looking at her sincerely. "But… I know it helps to keep busy."
Serena's eyes burnt again but she gave him a brave smile, touched by his honesty. "Then that's what we'll do. So, what do we need to do? We can't have me blowing the castle up."
"Indeed," agreed Severus. "Calming draughts will be sufficient for the next few days, but a highly concentrated dose for more than seventy-two hours can be extremely dangerous. I would simply like you to try and go to your mind island. I will do the rest."
Serena looked apprehensive. "What if I can't?"
Severus gave her a stern look. "Now that is not the Serena I know."
She almost smiled. "Of course I can," she said quietly, taking another sip of whiskey. "Okay. And what are you going to do?"
"What I'm best at," Severus said shortly. "Now are you ready?"
She felt that she didn't actually want to know what Severus was going to do. She couldn't image the state of her mind right now, and she quite frankly didn't care at all what he did in there.
She took a deep breath and tried to push the tumult of emotions away from the forefront of her mind and bring forward her safe space. She tried to push what had happened out of her mind, tried to focus on calmness but she just felt wrong, trying to move him out of her mind. Her memories and her feelings were all she had left, and here she was trying to get rid of them.
Severus watched her grimly. He understood the inner battle happening within her, but it was so important she manage this. He had thought of the simplest way he could achieve a complete potion without causing her any more distress. It would cost him time and be painful to him as he was hoping to extract her memory and absorb it into his head, as though it was his own. He waited for almost five minutes, but she eventually opened her eyes, tears brimming and guilt laden on her face.
"I can't do it," she whispered from the floor, looking small and helpless to him. "I just can't."
Severus leant forward and looked deeply into her eyes, seeing her torment before him.
"You're not doing what I asked," he said quietly. She looked shocked at his words, but he continued nonetheless. "I asked you to go to your mind island. That does not mean pushing memories out of your head. That does not mean forgetting what has happened, or ignoring them, or minimising them. Nothing will change what you're feeling. Nothing will change what has happened. He is dead, Serena. Dead. And you're left behind. What I asked you to do is to go to your Mind Island. To picture the sand beneath your feet. To breath in the sea air. To remember the shape of the shoreline. To listen to the waves breaking before you. To feel the breeze on your skin, the warm breeze, tickling your hair and brushing through your fingertips."
Serena closed her eyes and she was there.