CHAPTER 21: Go Stand in a Plothole With Your Plush Bunny Named Lasagna

It was an odd case for the BAU. Though it started normally, it didn't stay that way. There were no leads, or at least, none that made sense to the investigators. Agent Hotchner kept having to take medicine for his pounding headache (Author-san says to be careful kids! Know what to take and when, if unsure, ask someone who knows, don't guess and get yourself hurt.). Dr. Spencer Reid had a hunch, but it went against everything he learned in physics - it even went against Newton's laws of motion! However, it seemed to be the only answer.

The case they had been called to investigate was the fact Dollar General's around the country were being bombed. The team was working it from their offices in Quantico Virginia, but nothing made sense. So they went to different crime scenes, got camera footage of the unsub, and tried to talk to the families of the employees.

The crime scenes were already cleaned up and rebuilding started.

The footage showed the unsub - who hid their face - walking in, and out, then the building exploding with the employee still inside.

No body was found, there should have been bodies, or at least, parts of bodies, and no one seemed to be related to the employees.

Then there was the fact that when they talked to local police, none of the departments had invited them onto the case. Who had called for their involvement? The request file that they had gotten never said. They had assumed it was a mistake.

All of the attacks were aimed to only harm Dollar General. If the building was near to, or directly next to another building, the charge was only strong enough to kill everyone inside. If the building stood alone, such as in more rural areas, there was almost nothing left.

"Okay, what do we know." Agent Hotchner started the meeting, against his better judgment. Something was telling him to either go home and play with plushies or go jump in a lake. This case must be getting to him.

"We know that the unsub is targeting Dollar General's." Reid started.

"Yeah, and that's about all we know." Morgan finished.

"We're missing something." Greenway stated.

They were, nothing made sense. Why Dollar General? Why didn't any of the employees have family? Who put them on the case?

A cell phone rang.

He picked up. "Hotchner."

From the other end came a panicked voice, "I believe I can answer some of your questions about the case."

"Who is this?"

"No, no, that's too dangerous. Can't talk long, but there's things you need to know. Put it on speaker."

Hotchner did.

"You're on speaker."

The voice took a breath. "We don't exist. He's after us because we don't exist."

"What? What do you mean?"

"The bosses don't want you to know, but they want this dealt with. I'm afraid they're going to do something drastic, that's why I put you on this case."

"You put us on this? Why?"

"Go to Widewater Road in Stafford Virginia. In between Tamerlane Road and Valley Ridge Drive, there is a small road, it isn't even counted as a road, it doesn't look like anything more than a deer trail. Take it, in the middle of it you'll find a building, go inside, just you and your team, all of your team, even the girl with the computers. No one else can enter. You can keep your weapons. Only I will be there, unarmed, no one else, not living, dead, or otherwise will be there. I need to show you something. Be there as soon as you can, we still have time to stop it."

(We interrupt your story to inform you that this is an actual place that exists. It is approximately 16 minutes from the FBI academy (13 if you go near the NCIS headquarters). Author-san hopes you enjoy the extremely suspicious things that were put into Google.)

"Stop what? Hello?" The person had hung up.

Morgan immediately called Garcia as a conversation happened in the background.

"Are we going?" asked Elle

Picking up his stuff, Hotchner answered, "Yes."

"Even Garcia?" JJ added after a beat.

Gideon sighed, "we don't have a choice."

Twenty minutes later the entire team, and against better judgement, Garcia, were there. They had arrived in the middle of the woods at a strange building, just as the caller said. The building was really just a shack but painted above, in very faded paint, were the words, 'Dollar General'.

They arrived with another team of agents that were to be posted outside just in case. This was a really bad idea, but what else could they do? This could be their only lead.

They geared up. They prepared to enter. BPMs increased. They entered.

The store was dusty and run down. The team quickly cleared the store. No one was there.

"We must hurry."

They spun around, guns aimed at the voice.

"We don't have much time to achieve our goal."

A young girl, who appeared to be in her early 20s, stood behind the counter. She hadn't been there before.

"Who are you?" Hotchner spoke

"I told you, it's too dangerous."

Reid tried next, "why did you call us here?"

"So you'd be safe, I must admit, I'm a fan."

"A fan? Of us?" Gideon was surprised.

The woman looked down, "Yes, I've been reading your cases. I knew you could help with this, that's why I asked you here."

"What do you mean by safe? Safe from what?" An energy wave went through the building at JJ's words. Things fell on the floor, it felt like an earthquake.

"That."

"What was that!"

"An energy blast, no property was damaged. As for people," the girl paused in her explanation for Elle. "It depends on if you count messing with people's memories as harm."

They looked at her in confusion.

"Perhaps I should just explain in full instead of you asking questions."

"That might be good." Hotchner replied.

The girl sighed, "In my call to you I said that 'we didn't exist', and that's why the person was after us. No doubt, you noticed that none of the employees had family. This is because they don't, they have never had family."

The girl sighed again, "I'm sorry, this is hard, this has never been told to anyone outside of our organization. But, it must be said if I am to get your help. Dollar General is not normal. It's not from earth, as you would say."

Morgan interrupted, "Aliens?"

"Yes, in a way. I know it sounds out there. But all Dollar General employees are void creatures. We don't have families. I don't know how, but a man named Walter D. Gaster found out about us. He started harassing employees, but then, when he was banned from all stores, he started placing bombs and killing the employees inside. He wanted to destroy us because Dollar General isn't from here. The higher-ups were starting to notice, so my bosses decided that they were going to cover it up. It's a tool that we only use in emergencies. It basically wipes the memory of the target audience, whether you want it to be a small community or the entire universe. That's what that energy blast was. They used it. I thought they might, which is why I brought you here, so you would remember."

"Why? What do you think we can do?" Garcia asked.

"A lot more than you think. One, you can get Gaster on the murder of seven women in the 90s and early 2000s. He actually did it, he was suspected for a long time but he dropped off the grid and they never found him again."

"And what's the other?" Hotchner asked, a headache forming.

"Well, um… We really aren't supposed to jump the chain of command like this, and I really don't want to get fired. So, I was thinking, if I hand you all of the evidence you can go to my superiors and get them to reverse the effects of the t$6VxzFp`Û r$zD`M1D`B5^ yr#È, or as we commonly call it, EEW, Emergency Evacuation Wave." The girl phrased the ending as a question. Really hoping that the BAU would help.

"What makes you think that we can do something about it? If they won't listen to you, would they even listen to us?" Morgan questioned, also wondering what that noise in the middle of her sentence was.

"Because, you are humans who are supposed to know nothing about this. You go to them and make our case, they can't fire you, you're not employees. They probably listen and you go home like nothing happened, except Dollar General still exists in your world, helping your economic infrastructure."

"Why us?" Elle asked.

The girl ducked her head again, "As I said, I'm a fan, and I really didn't know who else I could go to."

They all looked at Hotch. He was the one to make the final decision. All of them were very confused about all of this, void creatures? Who would have known.

Hotchner took a breath, his thoughts switching between 3 things. Helping the girl, going home and making lasagna, or jumping into a lake. The last two options were very appealing to him, no matter how weird they were, but he had to do the right thing.

"Alright, we'll help."

The young woman sighed in relief and quickly handed them folders with all the facts. Quickly explaining some key things they were going to experience, she led them to the backroom.

"This is a gateway that employees use to get to the main hub. Have any of you ever seen Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?"

"Once, a long time ago." Morgan said as the others shook their heads.

"Okay, think of this as a random probability machine. To get you to and from the hub, it takes you and predicts all of the random possibilities that could ever happen in all of the multiverses, and then it applies the most useful ones to you, including the ones in other universes. So instead of going through hyperspace or void portals, you're already at your location in like, five minutes."

Reid started to open his mouth, but she quickly continued.

"Yes, sounds crazy, but it works. You'll feel really weird sensations, and I will admit, during the journey, you may switch genders, species, ethnicities, and other things that shouldn't be mentioned. Don't worry, by the end, you'll be back to normal. Are you ready?"

They looked at each other.

"How will we get back?" Hotchner asked.

"After you make your case, they'll send you back. You'll wake up either today, tomorrow, or yesterday, and everything will continue as normal. Well, maybe a few minor changes, but everything will be so normal and then you can just forget that anything ever happened."

"Okay, let's do it." Greenway said, and then they walked through the doorway.

Things flashed by Hotch, he was a woman, no, a man, no, both? He was a squid, a lion, a dragon? He existed, but he didn't. He felt sick. He tried to look at his son, er, JJ? Why was Reid wearing a tutu? They were yarn. They were in a place where everyone was referred to as m'lady. Yer a wizard Garcia. Why did Morgan have red and white hair? They were birds? But they didn't look like birds? What is a bird anyway? Is it those things that were about six feet tall and white but also invisible? Yeah, that sounds right. Better than a blue blob that probably had a grudge against humanity for some reason or another. Hotch tried to remember who exactly he was. Phil? No, that doesn't sound right. Author-sama? No, that was someone else entirely, who was naked. Author-sama also wasn't working on this part, thankfully? No cannibalism, wait, yes there is, just went by. What's an Author-san? Is that like a pancake or something? Did pancakes feel sympathy for him? Was this actually sympathy? Or some form of psychopathy? Author-san is not, but really enjoys torturing messing with people.

Ignoring everything else, Hotch focused on what was important.

Psychopathic pancakes. That was always the answer.

(Oh Hotchner, Author-sama feels sorry, for you have seen things no one should see. Like Author-sama naked and the inside of Author-san's brain. But Author-san is not sorry and really enjoyed writing your pain.)

Hotch opened his eyes. He was sitting at his desk at the BAU. Outside his office, his coworkers were doing the same thing. Each of them had varying thoughts on what had happened. From psychopathic pancakes to books that were bugs and bugs that were interdimensional beings from a place called Albemarle. The team was very confused, but yet everything made sense. Reid for one really wished he didn't have an eidetic memory, no one should be forced to remember Author-sama naked. The cannibalism…

(Author-san would like to point out that there is no cannibalism happening in real life of the Authors. In fiction on the other hand…)

Hotch looked out the window but was quickly shocked (more shocked than before.) On the opposite corner of the intersection of Bureau Parkway and Administrations Drive from the HQ, where there definitely hadn't been one before, and DEFINITELY shouldn't be one now, was a Dollar General.

The others walked into his office and went to the window with him. As they looked down, they saw a figure standing by the door of the establishment. It was the employee that started this all. She looked up at them, waved, and walked into the building.

The team stared, then looked at each other. They would be the only ones in the world to remember this event. An event that never happened. They could never tell anyone, they could lose their jobs.

Hotchner sunk to the ground and pulled his knees to his chest.

"Hotch? You okay?" Morgan asked.

"Psychopathic pancakes. Psychopathic pancakes are always the answer."

(Well, 'Break Hotchner' was basically the whole prompt. Dollar General has therapists right? Also, please appreciate Author-san's Extensive research as to where exactly both of the Dollar Generals should be located if they actually existed. Author-sama believes Author-san is reading too much into the subtle details.)