22: Sooth this weary soul
"Lee," Kara calls from somewhere in the apartment just as you're lowering yourself into the tub.
It's only been a full week since Maggie has upped your strength and core training, and for the hundredth time, you regret bumbling into your reaching out to her without a proper plan and letting her try to whip you into shape. At first it had started as a silent unspoken exchange, a tit for tat, though it escapes you now how your bringing her afternoon snacks and her taking a half hour break to go to a nearby park with you bi-weekly needed payment in the form of her laughing at you as you wheezed your lungs out. You bring her lattes and pastries and she makes you jog and sweat, your lungs and muscles burning.
You used to run your own company, you used to be CEO, you used to be able to negotiate mergers to your benefit on little to no sleep with only caffeine keeping you on your feet, you used to buy off and assimilate smaller companies with great potential at the drop of a hat, and yet Maggie Sawyer, a mere cop for the Science Division of the NCPD, has you running laps until you're about to pass out, and still you're the one buying and bringing food and refreshments.
But really, there's nothing mere about Maggie Sawyer, she's spunk and overwhelming sincerity personified and your guilt at not having reached out before gets the better of you.
It had started as early as the second week, after "If you're not going to get to the point and tell me why you keep dropping by, you can't do it anymore."
And you'd tried to wheedle out of it because you couldn't very well tell her Alex Danvers still talks about her like she's the love of her life every time she gets drunk and that you think Alex is spiraling into an even bigger heartbreak than the one she'd gone through right after they'd broken up, what without even being in a relationship with her anymore, because really, what the hell, right? But God. Alex's eyes- Haunted and hollow. So much pain and confusion. And you hadn't known what to do.
So you'd told Maggie you were interested in self-defense lessons, and you'd been pleased with yourself that it was at least a halfway decent reason because you at least bothered to do cursory research before plucking up the courage for what was bound to be highly awkward visits with her. Maggie had looked at you strangely, because it had to have been obvious it wasn't really what you'd come for, but then she'd smirked and given you a time and place and you couldn't back out. And of course when you'd gotten there you realize you'd actually completely dropped the ball on that research because Maggie's self defense class is for eight to twelve year olds and not adults, but you were already there and backing out was even less of an option, and she was positively bent over in laughter when she saw you realize that upon your arrival.
But Maggie hadn't pushed again. She hadn't asked again. She's made you come to the afternoon sessions, bi-weekly, effectively turning the 15 to 30 minute drop-ins into two hours of physical activity which you positively hate. You like the kids, they're cute, and hyper and happy and fun, and they know nothing of who you are, who your brother is, and it doesn't at all matter that they don't remember the previous reality, all that does is that you try (though you fail) to do cartwheels and handstands during the breaks and know how to leverage your weight and extol maximum damage for the lessons. So sessions for the most part are fun, but the laps Maggie makes you run, likely as punishment for lying to her about why you've actually reached out, and the drills she makes you undergo to get you fit are decidedly not.
"In the bath, darling." It's more a soft groan than actual speaking but you feel sore all over and you know Kara has a habit of listening for you anyway so your reply isn't even really necessary.
"Hey…" she says appearing at the doorway, brow furrowed in concern. "You okay?"
You groan in response and can't help the pout that forms on your lips.
"Oh, babe…" Kara whispers, kneeling beside you, tucking a lose strand of hair behind your ear and you lean into her touch, closing your eyes. "How far did Maggie make you run today?"
"Torture." You rasp out in reply. You don't want to think and talk about Maggie's sadistic tendencies.
Kara laughs softly as she presses a kiss to your cheek. "You soak while I make dinner. Stir-fry, okay?"
You give a light hum in approval, eyes still closed. You feel Kara press another kiss, this time to your lips and you smile in appreciation. If your body wasn't so sore you'd pull her into the tub with you, but you are and you're quite literally falling asleep.
"Love you," she breathes into you and your eyes snap open. It still gets to you, her saying that. Your heart flutters and races and beats beats beats. Her eyes, blue and bright and gentle and loving looks into yours and it's moments like these that you'd give up absolutely everything for. Moments that make breathing and living in this crazy new reality the easiest thing in the world.
She kisses you again, chastely, quickly, before pushing off the floor and heading out. You're quiet for a bit, listening to the sound of her preparing dinner in the kitchen for a minute, two, three, four, until your heart calms and isn't completely bursting with desperate love and clawing affection. "I love you too, Kara." You say, softly, almost reverent.
You know she hears because in the next instant there's a loud thunk, likely a pan crashing onto the floor and a loud squeak. You shake your head, smiling softly. She's such a dork. And God, she's yours.
You lay your head back so it's against the wall and close your eyes. The next time you open them, Kara is trailing light kisses on your jaw.
"Come on, sleepyhead." She says softly, pressing one last lingering kiss to your lips before pulling you up and out of the tub.
She's got you ensconed in a large fluffy towel, rubbing you dry and you lay your head on her shoulder and let her do all the work. She chuckles against you and you hide your smile in her neck rubbing your nose against her collarbone and pressing a kiss to it.
You love her. You love her so very very much you think you'll melt into a big puddle of goo if you opened your mouth and tried to tell her exactly how much.
Kara has always been attractive and it was impossible not to be attracted to her. But you'd been dealing with your own problems, problems thrust upon you by your brother and your mother, and though friendly flirting was something you had engaged in on your worst of days, or best really, depending on whether you were in a masochistic mood, you never actually thought you'd get here with her. Some days you still marvel at how far you two have come, how easy it was to just love her and let her love you when everything else about this reality is proving to be complicated.
Just months ago you were drowning in misery at her betrayal and heartbreak on a near hourly basis and now you're happily, marvelously drowning in everything that is her. God. You don't think you can ever go back from this. You'd thought you knew what it meant to be lonely and miserable, growing up and living all those years with the coldness befitting the Luthor name, and then with the warmth of friendship with Kara alleviating some of it, taking off that icy chill, but now, to be loved by Kara in this way, to live in her love each and every day… To have to ever be without it again would undoubtedly bring on unfathomable loneliness and misery, one you're going to make sure never comes to pass in this reality and in any other.
You'll make sure all the possibilities of forever are with her. All. Every single one.
"Come on, sleepy." She tells you again, pulling your head up from her shoulder and rubbing your cheeks. She's warm and you realize you're chilled from the bath water that had since cooled and not noticed in your sleep. You let out an appreciative moan when she rubs her nose against your cheek, your heart full full full.
She gets you into a tank top and sweatpants before she's tugging you into a hoodie. "You always get so cold." She tells you as you're mostly limply sitting on the bathroom counter. Your bones feel like jelly and you're yawning and fighting to keep your eyes open once again.
"Come on," She says again, stepping between your legs and tugging you towards her.
You sink into her, holding her in her place tightly as you let out a muffled "I can walk."
She chuckles, her breath warm against your neck and you sigh. You're happy. So so happy and comfortable and in love. And God, you're also loved. You're loved and you know it. You feel it. You're loved and safe and for the moment everything is good and perfect and most certainly enough.
"I really don't think you can right now." She responds with a light chuckle.
You lift your head and open your eyes again to look at her and she's got a dopey, adoring smile on her face.
"God, Kar." You say, a little choked up by the blatant love and adoration in her gaze, and you pull her closer. "I love you." She pushes a stray strand of hair away from your face again, her brow crinkling ever so slightly. "I love you. I love you. I love you." You tell her, and your heart beats to its rhythm.
"I'm going to talk to Maggie about easing up and not killing you." She says seriously and you snort. As if Maggie would listen. You know it had started out as a joke but Maggie's been going a bit gaga and insisting you take it a lot more seriously recently. You haven't had a chance to press and ask why exactly, honestly mostly because you're afraid of the answer. Things are starting to change in this reality, you can feel it.
"Tell me you love me too." You say in response, pouting at her.
"Always so demanding." She rolls her eyes, a smirk on those gorgeous lips.
"Say it." And yes, it's demanding but you also know Kara loves it. God. Kara's been showing you there's not a single part of you she doesn't love and you can feel yourself positively flourish at each passing day with her.
"Oh, Lena Luthor," she says shaking her head at you. "You have no idea how much I love you."
"I think I've got some idea." You tell her, a bit cheeky, but yes, you've definitely got an idea.
She laughs, pressing a kiss to your jaw before pulling away from you. "Come on then, if you insist on walking."
You slide down from the counter, her hands firmly on your hips, keeping you steady. Yes, you've definitely got some idea of how much she loves you.
You're greeted by darkness when you step out of the bathroom and Kara gently tugs you towards the bed.
"But you cooked," You protest half-heartedly.
"Hmm," she agrees, pulling the covers back and nudging you down. You fall to the bed, sitting, and immediately pull Kara into you and you nuzzle your face into her stomach. She removes the stick keeping your hair up and in place, and runs her fingers through it for a minute, two, three and you feel yourself almost drift off again.
"Go to sleep, Lee." She tells you, rubbing your shoulders lightly before pulling away from you and once again nudging you to scoot further into bed.
You acquiesce, moaning as your back sinks into the mattress, your aches and pains coming to the fore now that your body can officially shut down for the night. But it can't, you can't, not just yet, not until Kara is in bed too. She's back in a few minutes and you groan your way to snuggling against her. She laughs at you again, pressing another kiss to your head.
Yes, you've definitely got some idea of how much she loves you.
You wake at around five the next morning and you're careful not to wake Kara, taking only a moment to bask in her embrace and press a kiss to her neck before slipping quietly out of bed. You see the pills she has left for you on the nightstand and you take them, draining the glass of water and heading to the kitchen to refill it. The dose should be enough to stave off most of the muscle fatigue and you know keeping hydrated helps too.
You've never been one for sleeping for too long, your brain has an ugly habit of going on overdrive after a certain number of hours, churning out ideas and thoughts you have to jot down and let play out consciously, critically, weighing which do and don't have merit, which may or may not work, which are vital to pursue at the given time and which aren't. Right now you've got the nanites on the back burner, you're really close to the finished product, while you tinker with the shield prototype.
Kara had recounted to you the different possibilities the fifth dimension being had showed her and the one where you'd killed her has been on the forefront of your mind and you've been scrounging to create better protection for her lest something similar ever occurs in this reality. Of course, you'd never be a party to it, but if your mother had figured out how to create Kryptonitized humans as weapons, your brother certainly can as well and he's much more deranged than your mother ever has been and more than a little over the top in his presentation and follow through. Creating enough of them could be more than Kara can handle, possibly more than all the heroes can handle if Lex is intelligent enough to launch massive coordinated attacks tailored to cater to each and every hero's particular set of weaknesses. And he is. He really is, it just doesn't seem to be his priority at the moment, but you're not going to wait for it to be, you'll tackle the problem right now before he even starts thinking about it.
The coffee maker starts up at exactly 6:30, missing the beginning of the sky lighting up in your concentration, and you swiftly put your tools away. You briefly consider starting on breakfast but decide against it, you know both you and Kara much prefer to waking up to each other however nice waking to breakfast is.
So you snuggle up next to her, a happy sigh escaping your lips as she pulls you into her arms even in sleep. You revel in the feel of her for a few short minutes, breathing her in, letting her warmth seep into your bones, your heart, your soul. You press a kiss to her neck, and then her jaw, nuzzling her cheek after pressing a kiss to her lips. You let her wake slowly, with featherlight kisses and a gentle, peaceful love.
When she opens her eyes her gaze is hazy and unfocused but her pulse quickens and a smile forms on her lips. "Morning," she rasps, briefly closing her eyes again.
"What do you want for breakfast?" You say kissing her again, your own silent greeting.
"Hmm," she says her eyes dark, positively purring "YOU."
And fuck, fuck, fuck, that's still something you haven't gotten used to. Your heart starts hammering inside your chest, desire and unadulterated want immediately spreading to every bit of your body. You surge forward, stealing her very breath in a deep dizzying kiss, and whisper, "I think that can be arranged."
Kara is called away over an hour later, and you're grateful you'd both been in the middle of a shared shower instead of the other more intimate and exceedingly pleasurable activities you were in just moments before because the look in Kara's eyes when she heard the fire sirens and realized she had to go, it's the first time the utter unfairness of all your collective abilities and hence responsibilities to the world truly strikes.
It isn't that you doubt Kara's declarations of love, no, of course you don't. But there's something too about having someone so pure and good and bright, say and feel and love you so completely that its depths seem unfathomable. Kara had given you a very pragmatic glimpse of that this morning and you're still fighting not to tremble at the memory of how she had had to force herself to leave and help and save instead of staying with you.
And it's the first time it aches, really really aches to have her leave in such a manner because in the physicality of the moment, in seeing that look on her face, the look in her eyes shifting from curiosity, alarm, deep deep regret, anger, guilt, before tacit acquiescence, and fierce determination, you had seen and felt how she truly did not want to leave your side. But she had steeled herself, deeming her own needs and wants secondary to the safety and lives of other people. And of course that makes sense, she'll have other moments with you and you with her, but today you feel the irreparable unfairness of it all.
So today, even just for a day, you're not going to think about the world. You're not going to think about air, water, soil and land pollution levels, and really, is there anything at all that isn't polluted? You're not going to think about the green house gasses and depletion of the ozone layer, the depletion of natural resources and loss of biodiversity, the massive carbon footprint and the mountains of waste generated each day. You're not going to think about it. You're not going to worry about it. You're not going to work to solve it. Today you're not going to fight to make the world better.
Today you're living the day for you. You're living the day for Kara.
No people to help, no people to save, no reality to rectify, no problems to solve.
Just for you. Just for her.
And you're going to start with chocolate chip and peanut butter waffles, with a side of banana slices and bacon, which you know she absolutely loves, and honestly, you now do too despite your relatively different tastes in food.
You've finished the batter, and the is table set, plates and cutlery laid out, griddle for the bacon on the stove, waffle iron ready and waiting, all toppings and ingredients prepped and on hand for cooking the moment she's back home. You're considering slicing the onions and bell peppers for the lasagna you're planning to make for dinner when she arrives with a surprised but incredibly pleased "Lena!"
"Hi, darling," you laugh at her as you watch her stumble slightly. Such a clumsy dork. Your clumsy dork.
"Aren't you gonna be late for work?"
"I am a majority shareholder." You smirk at her. "I technically still own a large part of the company. I think I can afford to be late sometimes. Or you know, not go in at all."
She squeals, positively squeals and zooms to take you into her arms. "It's a ditch day?"
You laugh and laugh and laugh, not only because you're happy and Kara is adorable, but because you're not in college and God, you wish you'd known Kara in college, known her at any and all points in your past because she makes you feel so warm and full and happy.
"Do you have to go in today?" You ask her, rubbing at soot on her jaw. She really needs to take a shower. "I can hang around your office, wait and take you to lunch."
"No way!" She yelps, bouncing in front of you. "If you're ditching, I'm ditching. I think my throat's feeling scratchy." She fakes a cough, and smiles widely the next instant. "These things you know, they come so suddenly, and they just knock you right out."
You laugh at her antics and give her a peck on the lips before pushing her towards the bathroom so you can commence with making breakfast. "Go on, make your calls and wash that soot off of you."
She returns not long after you've plated the waffles and bacon, a phone to her ear and you laugh as you hear her grumble a, "No, you can't ditch too, Nia. I'm sure you ditched all the time in college and highschool. I haven't ditched since college because of Supergirl and I think 'ditch' is one of the five words in the English language Lena doesn't know the meaning of."
"Of which Lena does not know the meaning, Ms. Danvers." You quip, winking at her as you drizzle chocolate sauce on her waffle.
Kara moans appreciatively at the sight of the ridiculous amount of syrup you've lathered her waffles in, before she looks incredulously at you and shrieks into the phone, "No we are not doing anything indecent, but if we were that's no business of yours as we are two consenting adults in an exclusive loving relationship—No I have not asked her to be my girlfriend!"
And you're almost bent over in laughter. It's becoming a terrible habit of Nia's, trying to get a rise out of Kara, and frankly Kara makes it incredibly easy for her. You hold out your hand for the phone and Kara grumbles again before handing it to you.
"Hi, honey," you breathe into the phone. "I'm making lasagna for dinner, I'll send some for you tomorrow, okay?"
Nia cheers on the other end and you let her ramble for a minute before gently reminding her she's on the clock and of all she needs to do. She whines slightly about being kept out of ditch day but then quite happily wishes you and Kara a good day with "Please do all the things I wouldn't do," which has Kara blushing beside you.
"You're spoiling her and she's turning into a brat." Kara tells you when you've hung up.
You tug her into your arms, hands wrapping around her waist. "She misses her Mom. Her sister. She's not looking to you to be her mentor right now, she's looking for family."
Kara sighs and crashes her lips onto yours. "You are utter mush, Lena Luthor." She tells you when she pulls away.
You pull out a dining stool for her and give a slight bow, inviting her to sit and she smiles at you, the adoring one that makes your heart ache and ache. You try to push it down, focusing on lighter, happier things. "So Ms. Danvers, what four other words do I not know the meaning of?"
Kara laughs and you feel immediately lighter. She pauses in cutting into her waffle to smirk at you. "Oh you know, break, relax, vacation, sleep-in."
She trails off for a moment but continues smirking and you know she isn't done. She holds up a hand and starts counting out more. "rest, time off, holiday, play hooky…"
"Run out, Ms. Danvers?"
"No," she laughs, "but the lovely Lena Luthor has made these incredible waffles and everything smells amazing and it's making thinking very difficult."
You smile at her and gesture for her to begin eating. Her moan upon her first bite is absolutely sinful and you feel your face flame at the sound. She eats half of it before you get a handle on yourself and say, "So, Kara Danvers, are you going to ask me to be your girlfriend?"
She chokes and sputters and you're only almost sorry because she's so darned adorable. You bite back your laugh and rub her back as she downs a glass of water, fighting to stop coughing and get her breathing in control.
When she does, she's quiet for a moment, her eyes gazing into you, intense and scorching. "You're so much more, Lena." She tells you, fiery, ardent, fervid. ""You're who I've been dreaming of my whole life. You give me strength and courage, and hope. You catch me and hold me when I fall apart. You let me break and hurt and fail, and your trust in me, your unwavering belief in me, keeps me getting back up. You are my home. The light of your love, the beat of your heart, it keeps me tethered and believing and hoping. You are my light, Lena. And someday… someday you're going to be my wife."
And you're falling, falling, falling.
"But yeah, I guess you can be my girlfriend too. For now."
"Kara did you mean that?" It's half past midnight and Kara's snoring softly next to you, evidently asleep, but you can't help it. You're awake, brain reeling, heart bursting, soul on fire.
"Kaaaraaa…" You whine, rubbing your face against her chest. "Kara, wake up."
She only groans in reply, pulling you in closer.
"Kara…"
"No." She whines, eyes closed. "Sleep, Lena."
"But Kara…" You say, pulling away from her, hovering above slightly, "Did you mean it?"
"Mean what," she says, grumbling and pulling you against her once again.
"What you said this morning."
And she smirks. Your heart thumps wildly and you wait for her to speak.
"That you're a goddess? A sex goddess? That you're beautiful all the time but my favorite is when you're coming undone?"
God, she's teasing you. "Kara!"
"When you're gasping and moaning and writhing and arching—"
"Kara…" You groan and swat at her shoulder before letting your body fall flush against hers and groan once again into her neck. "Did you mean it?" You mumble, hiding your undoubtedly flushed face and she laughs.
She kisses your temple and she opens her eyes, looking straight into your soul, filling you with light and life. "Yes, Lena Luthor. It would be my greatest honor to make you my wife."
And fuck, just fuck, you're simultaneously falling and drowning and flying and you never want to stop.