Getting back to Alexandria was tense, I was mad and I knew that Daryl was as well. I didn't want to have to ever feel like I had to choose between my brother and husband again. At that moment I was so lost and so mad, I didn't know what to do. When we got back I jumped off the bike and hugged Michonne and Carl tightly.
"Are you both okay?" Carl asks. I smile tightly at him.
"We're safe." I vaguely answer.
"And Rick?" Michonne asks.
"Sticking with the plan," I say as I watch Daryl walk away. "Everyone here okay?"
"Fine." Carl answers and I smile again.
"Judith?" I ask.
"At the house." Carl answers. "Come on." I wrap my arm around his shoulders as we walk to the house with Michonne. After a shower and some sleep, I get up to look for Daryl. I can't find him or Michonne anywhere. Carl then tells me that they left about an hour after we got back. Michonne and Rosita get back before the others to tell us that Tara and Daryl were going on with the plan to smash the dumpster truck into the Sanctuary wall, letting the walkers inside. My heart started to feel too heavy, I didn't know how many more stones I could add to it.
I sit in a chair by the gate for 2 more hours before I hear a car driving up. The person on lookout nods, indicating it's safe for the person manning the gate to open it. As the gate opens I stand up anxious to see who it is. Relief hits me as I see Tara and Daryl, neither looking harmed. As the relief subsides my original anger sets in and I glare at them both as they get out of the car.
"I… I'm going to go look for Rosita…" Tara says as she sees my anger.
"Glad you're safe." I clip, my tone is not friendly.
"Yeah…" She nods walking away quickly. I turn my glare to Daryl. He stands there his arms crossed his face blank a lot like it used to be when we first met, this for some reason angers me more.
"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" I burst.
"No, because it worked." He growls out.
"Oh, really? And you know this for certain."
"It's going to work, woman."
"You know this 100%, Daryl?" Exasperated I ran my hand down my face.
"You've never questioned my plans before, why now, huh?" He asks, getting in my face.
"Get out of my face." I push him back from me. "You're going against the plan Daryl."
"That's not what you're mad about and you know it." He growls again stepping back up to me. "Say what you're really mad about."
"You're acting out of line Daryl, your actions can get us killed," I growl, pushing him harder this time.
"All actions can get us killed, women, yours, mine, or Rick's. You're mad because I got in a fight with him." He argues stepping back and grabbing my hands to keep me from pushing him again.
"You put him in a chokehold, Daryl. Yes, I'm angry about that because I don't want to ever have to choose between you or him again." I try to move my arms but he keeps my hands locked in his."I couldn't choose Daryl, I love you both too much too. And if your actions get either of you killed, I will never forgive you!" I can feel the tears start to well up, he frowns at me and looks away. "We've lost too many people already Daryl. We're family, we have to stick together or this war will end with us dead, not the Saviors." I see him nod at someone behind us and I turn to see Michonne.
"I'm glad you came back," She smiles at Daryl, as I pull a hand out of his and turn fully to her. "It's better we go out there together."
"It worked," Daryl tells her. "We'll roll in, tell them to give up, they're going to give up."
"I'm sorry," Michonne says sadly. "I couldn't."
"Don't be, It worked," Daryl says letting go of my hand and walking away. I sigh and shake my head.
"What are we going to do if it didn't work?" I ask, staring at Daryl's back and missing his wings.
"I don't know, let's just hope he is." She says and I nod walking with her to the house to check in with Carl.
"Hey, what are you doing?" I ask leaning on Carl's room door frame. He looks up at me startled.
"Oh, just writing stuff." He says putting his stuff down.
"Everything ready for an emergency?" I ask to make sure he remembers the routine.
"Of course, Aunt Esme, how many times are you going to ask." I smile and notice a weird look in his eyes.
"You okay?" I ask standing up straight and walking into the room.
"Fine, I'm going to go help others prepare now." He says grabbing his papers and walking past me.
"I love you!" I call out to him as he turns down the hallway.
"Love you too!" I hear him call and the front door opens and closes. I shake my head in worry as I walk to his window watching him as he disappears behind a house.
As night finally approaches, Michonne comes and wakes me up.
"It's almost time to go." She tells me. I stretch and move to put on my boots. "Hey, have you seen Carl? I haven't seen him anywhere."
"Not since earlier," I answer tying my shoe. "He told me he was going to help prep."
"Hmm, I haven't been able to find him." She mumbles.
"I'll help you look," I answer grabbing my police belt as we walk out of my room. We find Carl near a sewer grate opening it.
"Carl," Michonne calls. "We've been looking for you. We're about ready to head out. What are you doing?"
"I… Umm…" He hesitates. "I'm helping someone."
"What do you mean?" I ask worriedly.
"A traveler," Carl says. I tilt my head confused.
"In the sewer?" Michonne asks just as confused. Carl is about to explain when we hear clunking from the front gate.
"You may be wondering why the hell your lookouts didn't sound the alarm." Negan's voice calls and my heart skips a beat as I hear it. "See, we are polite, I mean I don't know when they are going to wake up from that shock but they should wake up." He continues as my heart races with worry. I grab Carl's hand and instinctively pull him behind me. "So let's cut through the cow shit! You lose! It's over." I turn to look around as I hear the others approaching. "So you're gonna line up in front of your little houses and you're gonna work up some apologies, and the person with the lamest one is gonna get killed. Then I kill Rick in front of everybody, and we move on." My heart sinks worried that he may have my brother with him. "You have three! Count them, three minutes to open this gate or we start bombing the shit out of you!"
"They got out…" I hear Michonne say with dread as Negan whistles.
"Come on!" Carl pulls my hand and calls Michonne. "Come on!" He leads us to the packed supply truck. "You need to make it look like we're escaping outback. Get to the woods halfway to the quarry, and cut the lights. Get enough of a lead on them, hit them and get away on foot. You know where we'll be. Just have to get the guns, get everyone else here, and we'll meet you there."
"Two minutes people!" Negan calls, making me feel sick. "Dig deep! I want these apologies to be memorable. Bonus points for creativity! Work up a poem, sing a song. I love that shit!"
"Get going!" Carl tells the round-up team. "There's gonna be people in the infirmary. They're gonna need your help." He orders and they leave. I can't help but be proud of him at this moment.
"Look, we got guns," Tara argues. "We can fight them."
"We will but not right now," Rosita steps up. "Carl's right."
"Carl, we can't just let them have this place," Michonne says.
"We can." He says firmly. "All you need to do is survive tonight." He tells us, his words sounding strange to me and I can't figure out why. "This is my show, you said it. This is my plan and you're going to do it. We're all going to do it. Let's go!" He orders as Negan calls the one minute mark. Carl runs to the front to buy us more time as we get everyone from Alexandria rounded up and ready for the plan. Once they were settled I run to the dump truck.
"Everyone is ready," I tell Daryl as I step up to the driver window. "Be careful and come back to me."
"Always do." He tells me, I lean in and kiss him.
"I love you."
"Love you too. Now go, get safe." I nod jumping down and running to my group of people I was going to lead. Daryl's group is the distraction, as I and a couple of others lead our people down the sewers. I slowly start to lead my small group as explosions go off around them, I stop as one goes off 3 houses down from us. I was going to have to find a different path, I lead them between the houses and start a slow jogging pace. I freeze when a house in front of our path blows up again. I turn us to the right and start running again. We finally make it and I open the grate, I make my group get in first when the last of my group is in I go down pulling the grate almost fully shut to wait for Carl and the others. Slowly more of our people come in, my heart pounds in fear as I wait for Carl. Finally, I see him and I open the grate.
"Hey, freeze kid!" I hear someone scream but he sets off a smoke grenade and runs to me. I climb down as he climbs in and closes the grate. I make sure everyone is as comfortable as possible as we wait for the others to get back. Rosita, Tara, Daryl, and Dwight come in but Michonne apparently ran off into Alexandria. I grumble angrily as I patch up Dwight's gunshot wound as much as I can. Apparently, he was worth saving, he grunts for the 6th time as tightly wrap gauze around it, I was not being nice. I finish placing the med tape on the gauze and glare at him.
"Sit, and do not move," I order and he does as told. I look up when I hear a noise at the end of the tunnel. I smile brightly as I see Michonne and my brother make their way over. Rick is taking in everything slowly and I can see he is in shock. He finally gets to Carl and Judith sitting nearby and takes her hand then stops in front of me placing a hand on my shoulder, I smile and nod letting him know I'm okay. He then moves to look at the stranger at the end of the tunnel. Carl still hadn't explained who he was to me. He told me he would later when things calmed down.
"I brought him here," Carl tells Rick and we all turn to him. "That's how it happened." He says and I freeze when he lifts his shirt and I see the bite. My blood drains as my heart starts to rebel. Tears well in my eyes as I gasp, he covers the wound again and I fall to my knees trying to catch Michonne as she does too, we hold each other. This can't be happening, I shake my head as I think of his words and actions lately. 'All you need to do is survive this night.' He said you not we. That's what was strange, what was wrong. I stare at his sweaty pale face as I hear the explosions going off above us each explosion moving and slowly cracking the stones in my heart.
"I… I don't…" Rick tries to say anything. "How…"
"Dad," Carl gains his attention. "Dad, it's all right."
"No…" I shake my head as I feel the tears fall.
"It's gotta be." He looks at me then to Rick. "I wasn't sure if you'd make it back before… But just in case, you know…" He pulls out a bundle of papers and hands them to us. That's what he was writing earlier. "I wanted to make sure I was able to say goodbye." Michonne takes the letters in a shaking hand.
"No. It's them." Rick grunts out. "It's them. They, they don't… It wasn't,"
"No," Carl states, shaking his head.
"Carl…" Michonne cries.
"No, I got bit. I was bringing someone back. His name is Siddiq. We saw him at that gas station before… It wasn't the Saviors, It just happened, I got bit." He explains and winces, I blink something coming over me.
"Come on, hun. Let's get you comfortable." I say getting up and looking at the cot I saw earlier.
"No."
"Don't argue with me, not right now," I say my voice cracking and he nods. I get Rick to pick him up and we move him to the cot. "Is that better?" I ask.
"Yeah, thanks." He weakly smiles at me.
"I, um, I got these," Siddiq says. "They are over the counter, non-steroidal, anti-inflammatories." I turn to look at him. "They will help a little with the fever. They did for my mom and dad. Please take them." He says his voice breaking. "Your son… he should have them." Rick looks at me and I nod. Rick takes them and gives them to me to inspect. The pills are what he says they are and I take 2 to give to Carl.
"You a doctor?" Rick asks.
"I was a resident… before. Yeah."
"Your name is Siddiq?"
"Yes."
"Did you know he was a doctor? Is that why you brought him back?" I ask Carl.
"No, he wasn't going to make it alone." Carl answers. "He needed us. That's why." Rick nods.
"He's the one at the gas station," Rick says, an explosion shakes above us and dirt comes down on us, Rick and I cover Carl and he starts to cough.
"Water!" Michonne turns to look for some.
"I need water!" I yell people pass some up and I give him some water then the meds. "Slowly, slowly," I tell him as he gulps it down. I spend the rest of the time trying to make Carl as comfortable as possible.
"The Saviors are gone," Michonne tells us. "We can get everyone to Hilltop. We can get Carl there." I start to shake my head.
"Carl? No." Rick thinks the same thing as me.
"Daryl can get one of the cars…"
"Carl won't make…" I start but am unable to finish.
"He can't leave here," Rick says. "I have to stay with him."
"Rick," Michonne tries again.
"He can't. I have to stay."
"Ok, we'll both stay," Rick shakes his head.
"Will you… Will you take Judith? She needs to be there." Rick says, his voice breaking. "If she… If anything… happens, and… and Esme..."
"We'll take her," Daryl says nodding to me and I smile gratefully to him. "I'll get them there, I'll keep them safe." It's only then I realize this is goodbye.
"Let me say goodbye," Carl's words tear at my heart. Michonne and I help him sit up, I grab his hand and I hold it to my lips. "Michonne please give Aunt Esme her letter," She nods and rifles through the letters. "Auntie, please don't let this break you, please try to stay strong, for my dad and Judith. Don't lose yourself ever, please, please promise me you won't," I nod and mumble a broken yes, as Michonne puts a letter in my lap. "Always remember if you get lost, look to the brightest star in the sky. I will make sure you always find your way." I hug him and try to fight back the tears.
"I… I love... you bud…." I stamper out as I pull away from him, kissing his forehead and stepping back.
"I love you too" He replies as I put the letter in my pocket and try to smile as he turns to Judith. "Judith, you be good ok? For Michonne, For Aunt Esme, For Dad. You gotta honor him, listen when he tells you stuff, you don't have to always, sometimes kids got to show their parents the way." He smiles, grabbing his hat and placing it on her head. "This was dad's before it was mine. Now it's yours. I don't know just having it… it always kept dad with me. It made me feel as strong as him. It helped me, maybe it will help you too. Before mom died… she told me that I was going to beat this world, I didn't." My heart churns and I turn around my hand over my mouth trying not to sob. Daryl pulls me into a hug. "But you will. I know you will." Judith starts to cry and I turn to get her, pulling her close and not wanting to ever let her go.
"These people, you saved them all. That's all you, man." Daryl tells Carl, I take his hand and follow my fallen angel out as the 31st stone settles heavily in my heart, I feel the stones about to tumble and break me.
I numbly walk with the remaining people of Alexandria, I was carrying Judith close to me, even as I got tired I wouldn't let anyone hold her. I felt bad for snapping at Tobin or anyone else trying to help, but I didn't want that right now.
We continue to walk until the people get tired. I sit down on a log, sighing and look to Daryl as he continues to walk.
"Daryl, Rosita!" I call, Rosita turns and sees us. She stops Daryl and he nods to us. I let Judith stand a bit but watch her. "So what's the plan?" I ask Daryl as he passes by me, he stops.
"To get to Hilltop." He answers, pulling out a map and sitting next to me, I help him open it as Tara and Rosita join us. "If they're smart they'll cover all these passes between here and Hilltop."
"We have to keep moving," Rosita says.
"We'll just have to risk it," Tara agrees.
"Maybe you don't have to," Dwight says walking up to us. I glare at him but say nothing as I watch Judith playing in the leaves. "Negan won't send his people down into this stretch of swamp. Not if he doesn't have to."
"Yeah, How do you know that?" Tara asks.
"Negan wanted to map the best routes with cover from the Sanctuary to the Hilltop." He answers. "He... He decided the swamp was too dangerous. Didn't think it was worth the risk."
"It makes sense," I say looking at the map again, the others look to Daryl.
"You aren't seriously gonna listen to him?" Tara scoffs at us. "It's too dangerous for the Saviors so you're gonna send us? Are you kidding me!" She shakes her head in anger.
"They have us boxed in." Rosita states.
"Tara has a point." Tobin steps in. "Why should we trust him?"
"He could turn on us as he turned on his own people." Someone else says as I stand up and pick Judith up.
"I didn't just turn on 'em, I killed 'em" Dwight speaks up. "Daryl saw it. Rosita saw it." He turns to Tara. "You saw it, but one of them got away. So if they find me Negan puts my head on a pike. I'm not working for them and I'm not going back to them. I chose my side, this is it. I'm here to help you beat Negan. After that… Well, I know how it ends." He chuckles looking at me and Daryl.
"All right." Daryl nods and gets up. "We try the swamps."
"Let's go, people!" I call to everyone as Daryl starts to walk. Once they start moving I follow Daryl.
We stop once we get to the swamp, Daryl kills a walker as we think of a plan.
"We are going to have to clear a path, make sure there aren't any of those fuckers under the water where we walk," I tell him and he nods.
"We have to be careful, but we can do this," Rosita tells everyone.
"We have to push through," Daryl tells us. "Clear a path for the others."
"Count me in." Someone says.
"I'll go," Dwight says. "If I can have the crossbow…"
"NO!" I growl.
"You can't." Daryl points to him. "You'll stay right there." Dwight just nods. "Esme, I'm going to need your help with this." Daryl nods to me indicating Judith. I'm about to protest when I see that no one else is volunteering.
"You coming?" Rosita asks Tara.
"I'm gonna hang back and watch over the group." Tara answers and I sigh knowing Daryl was right. I turn to Tobin.
"Tobin, come take Judith please," I sigh hesitating to give her over.
"I'll protect her, I promise." I nod knowing he will, I kiss her forehead and turn to Daryl.
"Come on," He calls "Let's get this done."
We wade in the water with long sticks making sure a path is empty and safe.
"Fuck!" I grumble as Daryl, Siddiq and I come across a large group of walkers.
"We can go around," Siddiq suggests.
"The shallowest spot is straight ahead." Daryl shakes his head.
"So we clear them out," I say, walking to one and killing it.
"You ready?" Daryl asks Siddiq as I kill another.
"Yeah." He answers and they start to kill them as well.
We get back to find Tara and Dwight missing. Tobin tells us that they went to get rid of some walkers. I check on Judith to make sure she is fine.
"I told you to wait!" Daryl yells when we find out what happened, apparently, Survivors were going to come to check the Swamp and Dwight led them away. "For all, we know he could be telling them everything!"
"He isn't, he won't," Tara argues back. "He led them away, they were coming right for us and he saved us."
"Oh, so you now agree he's on our side!" I counter back.
"She's right, he did, I saw it." Rosita chimes in.
"I don't give a damn what he did!" Daryl yells angrily. "He can stick with them, he can come back, hell, he can run!"
"Daryl, babe…" I try to calm him as he paces angrily.
"When I find that son of a bitch, I'm gonna…" Daryl stops when he hears Judith whimper. "Come on!" He points to the swamp and we all head in. I follow Daryl with one of my knives in my hand. I pull Carl's note out of my pocket when it starts to get deep. I put it in my bra as I had no other place to put it.
Finally, we make it to the Hilltop where we can relax. Telling Enid, Carol and Maggie was the hardest part. When we got there I went straight to Maggie's room to give Judith a bath, after I laid her down she fell straight to sleep. I smile down at her and turn to go shower myself pulling my bra off, I feel something fall from me. I look down at Aunt Esme written in familiar handwriting. My hand shakes as I pick up the note and open it.
Aunt Esme,
Thank you for everything. For teaching me about forgiveness, peace, laughter, and how to write. I remember you always helping me write for school papers and reading to me when you babysat me. Those days always made me feel at peace. Then when I was older and we broke Dad's rule and stayed up staring at the stars, you taught me about forgiveness one time after Dad and I got into our first real fight. I want you to have those again, I want you to feel at peace again and I want you to forgive again. Don't let this world steal those away from you. I know you always tried your hardest to protect me, and you will beat yourself up for not protecting me now, but you couldn't have, I know you know that. So please don't let this break you, please try to stay strong, for yourself, for my dad and Judith. And always remember if you get lost, look to the brightest star in the sky. I will make sure you always find your way. You have to find peace with Negan. You can forgive him. We don't have to forget, but you can forgive. It'll be hard I know that, but like you taught me. Life isn't always easy, but it's worth the hard work. You also taught me that every life is worth something. Help dad to start everything over. Help him show everyone they can be safe again without killing, that it can feel safe again, that it can go back to being birthdays, schools, jobs and even Friday night pizza somehow — and staying up late staring at the stars. Don't forget to teach Judith to write and read, stay up late with her and watch the stars. She'll remember those days and she won't get lost.
I love you.
- Carl
I sit on the toilet crying as I reread his words. I didn't understand why he wanted me to forgive Negan. It made no sense but I knew that I would honor the rest of his words. I check again on the sleeping Judith before I finish my shower and lay down with her. I watched her breathing and couldn't help but feel that Carl should be laying with us like the many times the three of us curled up together. I stayed staring at her when I heard the door open.
"They're asleep." I hear Maggie whisper. I can't help but close my eyes to her words. I hear someone move around the bed and sit near my legs next to Judith.
"Do you think she will get through this?" Daryl's words surprise me but I stay still none the less I didn't want to talk or do anything but be with Judith.
"It'll be hard, but I think she will, if not for herself than for that little girl right there." Maggie voices.
I must have fallen asleep after that because I don't remember anything till I hear a commotion outside.
"Open the gates, it's Rick!" I hear as I sit up. I look around and find Judith missing. My heart races as I jump up running downstairs and fling the door open. Where is she? I panic and run down the steps looking around.
"Esme!" I hear someone call, I jump when someone turns me around. "What's wrong?" Carol asks, seeing my panic.
"J… Judith… She's… She's…" I say looking around.
"Shh, shh, shh. She's fine." Carol rubs my arm. "She woke up and Daryl brought her down so you could sleep." Carol points towards the gate and I see someone passing Judith to Rick.
"Oh… Ok…" I say watching her as my heartbeat regulates. I walk to Rick and Judith as my brother sees me and it's only then that I realize I'm barefoot. I hug them and let him go get settled. I walk to Daryl who smirks at my bare feet.
"Don't say a word," I mumble and he chuckles pulling me into him.
The rest of the day I helped Siddiq inventory our med supplies which were barely anything for the number of people we had. I went scavenging in the forest nearby for herbs as Daryl went hunting. When I get back I find an unfamiliar van and 3 people sitting outside the house. I raise an eyebrow and run into the Barrington house to find Maggie, Enid, and Michonne arguing.
"Wha…" I try to intervene
"Carl was brave." I hear Michonne tell Enid.
"And now he's dead." Enid counters and her words freeze me in place.
"Step back," Michonne tells her and she brushes past me slamming the door on her way out, making me flinch.
"Things don't just work out," Maggie speaks up.
"No, no they don't." Michonne turns to her. "But I think he knew that. He didn't give up on who Rick wanted him to be. And we can't… on who he wanted us to be. We can't." Michonne tells her and walks out. Maggie turns taking a shaky breath and turns back around looking past me, I turn to see Judith playing with Gracie, I smile.
"You want to fill me in on what that was about?" I ask finally. She nods and explains who Georgie and her two girls are and what they are about. "So what do you want to do?"
"I'm not sure." She shakes her head. I nod understanding.
"You know in the letter Carl left for me…" I take a big breath to keep my composer. "He, He spoke of a world with peace. A world where we could have birthdays, school and late nights not sleeping with one eye open anymore. Maybe Georgie is the 1st step to that?"
"And what if it's not?" Maggie asks.
"Then we deal with it the same way we are with Negan," I shrug. "I don't want to but I can't have anyone else die. I want that world of peace that my nephew wrote about. After we deal with Negan I will do anything to honor the world he speaks of." Maggie hugs me as she tears start to fall again. After I regain myself she pulls away smiling.
"Help me pack up some records," She says turning and grabbing a basket. After packing up some records we step outside to find Enid and Michonne with Georgie and her 2 girls.
"No spoken word?" Georgie asks standing up.
"I'm agreeing to your deal," Maggie says. "We'll fill your four crates, then you can go."
"You're going to want that to be sooner than later." I chime in.
"I accept." Georgie nods. "But I'm changing the terms." I sigh and look to Maggie who has an angry look on her face. "This one, no more. In addition, you can have a sizable portion of my food stores."
"What?" I gasp in surprise. "What…."
"From the look of things around here, you need it far more than we do." Georgie continues.
"You're giving us food?" Maggie doesn't seem convinced. "In exchange for what?"
"Records and good faith." Georgie answers. "To be clear, this isn't a gift, it's barter. I'll be back. Maybe not for a while, but I will, and by then, I expect great things." Maggie and I look at each other hesitating as Georgie walks to her van. "Here is the aforementioned key to a future, inside, there are handwritten plans for windmills, watermills, silos, hand-drawn schematics, guides to refining rain, creating lumber, aqueducts…" I stare at the book she gave to Maggie in shock. "A book of medieval human achievement so we have a future from our past. Yes, I know the originals are in my head but I made photocopies. Still, it's been an evolving document since the copy shop."
"Thank you," Maggie says and I just nod with her.
"Build this place up," Georgie smiles. "I want those other crates filled when I get back. Cheeses for Hilda, pickles for Midge."
"We'll see what we can do." Maggie smiles.
"You will," Georgie says and gets in the van. I smile at Maggie go to grab for the book.
"Let me see that thing," I say excitedly as she laughs as we skim through it.