A/N: So I've decided that this will all end next chapter. Or rather, it'll be an epilogue that will tie off any loose ends. One thing about this quarantine I'm glad for – I have a lot of free time to work on this story. And what a journey it's been.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Title: The Past Does Not Define Us
Rating: T
Pairing: Theodore Nott/Hermione Granger
Summary: "I'm sorry." Those two words shot like an arrow through his soul and Theodore found that there was nothing he could do to stop himself from falling.
Warning(s): Mentions of child abuse and suicidal thoughts.
Chapter 24: The Aftermath
Deep breaths, Theodore, he thought. Inhale. Hold. Exhale.
The sky was clear and blue, the trees of the Forbidden Forest greener than he'd ever seen. He could see flowers growing on the school grounds below and in the distance, a group of students played a pick-up game of Quidditch on the rebuilt pitch. A breeze swept through the Astronomy Tower, ruffling Theodore's hair and running over his skin. He's glad he wore a sweater.
Exams were over. He should be packing his things, but his brain refused to cooperate. After completing his NEWTs, he couldn't summon the willpower to do anything, to think about anything. His schooling and everything that happened in the meanwhile – from the tumultuous tenures of his Defense professors, to the opening of the Chamber of Secrets, to the escape of Sirius Black, to the chaotic and deadly Tri-Wizard Tournament, to the rise and fall of You-Know-Who, to the death of his father and the start of his subsequent friendship with Hermione Granger – had come to an end. It was all finally over.
And yet.
And yet there was one more thing he had to do. One more loose end he had to tie.
He didn't want to pressure her. For the past few weeks, they were both so busy with exam prep that he honestly had no time to think about it. After everything he confessed (baring his heart and soul to her), after putting everything on the table for her to see, he felt lighter than he had in years. He was sure that even if she rejected him, even if she never wanted to see him again, he would be able to move on and live his life.
"Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only from other human beings," (1) he thought.
Perhaps that's why he's here now.
She strode up to him before their Arithmancy exam and asked him to meet her at the Astronomy Tower. The examiners called them into the room before he could reply and she swiftly disappeared into the crowd. He could see her bushy head from his desk and decided then and there that he wanted to know, needed to know what she had to say. He finished before her, handed his exam paper in to Professor Vector at the front of the room, and left without looking at her, no matter how much he wanted to.
Inhale. Hold. Exhale.
His palms were clammy and cold, despite the warmth of the sun shining on his face. No matter what she said, he would accept it. That didn't mean he wasn't nervous.
Theodore jumped as the door behind him opened.
He whirled around and there she was, her bushy hair frizzled from the stress of exams, her chocolate eyes shining in the sun. He quickly counted each freckle on her face and relaxed. Hermione smiled awkwardly in apology and locked the door behind her. She walked over and leaned against the tower's guardrail beside him.
They stood in silence for a time. Theodore could hear the shouts and laughter of the students on the Quidditch pitch, watched as the flowers and grass of the school grounds swayed gently in the warm summer wind. The sun reflected off the Black Lake, the waters sparkling like the night sky. The Forbidden Forest looked brighter, less imposing, less terrifying than he'd ever seen in all his seven years at Hogwarts. Eventually, it became too much for him – he had to say something.
"How were your exams?"
"Good," she replied. "There were a few questions I wasn't sure about, but there's nothing we can do about it now, is there?"
Theodore raised an eyebrow.
"Am I hearing you right? Is Hermione Granger, brightest witch of her age, purveyor of books, and walking encyclopedia, relaxed?"
Hermione let out an offended gasp, head snapping towards him. A smile, however, pulled at her lips as she gently slapped his arm.
"I can be relaxed!"
Theodore smirked. She flushed.
"I can!"
"Of course. I never doubted you."
She pouted, crossing her arms. Theodore couldn't help himself – he laughed. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed so hard. As he wiped tears from his eyes, he noticed Hermione staring at him, a thoughtful expression on her face.
"What is it?" he asked, frowning.
"I've never seen you smile like that before." She paused, unsure of how to continue. "Not to say that you don't smile. But ever since I first met you, you always seemed so sad."
Theodore didn't know what to say to that.
"That's probably why I sought you out in the first place," she confessed, words slow and soft like pollen on the summer breeze. "Harry and Ron both joined the auror training program and as much as I enjoy Ginny and Luna and Neville's company, it's just not the same. Harry, Ron, and I, we've been through so much together. That's something that nothing and no one else would ever understand. The things we've seen, the things we've done – it's not something we could just tell people. Without that comfort, that understanding that we forged, it was like I had two left feet. I didn't know what to do without them. But you…"
Hermione took his hands in hers and Theodore's heart skipped a beat.
"There was something about you that made me think: 'He's just like me. He would understand.' And the more I got to know you, the more I realized that yes, in some ways you are what I expected. Thoughtful. Intelligent. Snarky, when the mood strikes you." Her lips twitched into a smile. "Kind. Supportive. Exceptionally sweet. You always seemed to know what to say and do. But then you do something painfully awkward and I wondered if you're not just going along with peoples' expectations."
Theodore's cheeks warmed and he swallowed.
"In some ways, I think I am," he replied. "That is, going along with peoples' expectations."
"If you hadn't said anything, I probably wouldn't have noticed at all," Hermione frowned. "I've always told Ron that he has the emotional range of a teaspoon. But truthfully, I'm not much better. And that's when I realized that you're so much more different than I thought you were. You're sensitive and sentimental, anxious and afraid, troubled and turbulent, and you've been like that for so long. You bottle everything up inside like a potion on the verge of an explosion, and then you break down. You break down hard. I'm sorry I never noticed."
"It's not your fault." Theodore's voice cracked as he squeezed her hands. His heart thumped erratically. He wasn't sure if he wanted to cry or if he wanted to run (he really needed to stop running).
"And it's not your fault," she insisted, grasping his hands tighter like that would keep him here, like she could stop him from avoiding his problems (it was sort of working). "Nothing was your fault. Your mother's death was not your fault. Your father's death was not your fault. You are strong, Theodore. Strong and determined and brave for pressing on when the entire world was against you. I don't know if anyone has told you this, so I'm telling you now. You deserve to live. You deserve to love."
His eyes locked with hers. His hands shook in her grasp. Did she? His heart lurched as he dared to hope. Could she? (Please, please, please, please, please) Theodore took a deep breath and shakily let it out again. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. (Please, please, please, please, please, please, please-)
"If you're going to break my heart, just say so," he begged, searching for answers in her chocolate brown eyes. "I don't know if I could take it after all this build up."
She gave a watery laugh and intertwined her fingers with his own.
"I honestly thought I would end up with Ron in the end," she whispered, "The world was so much simpler with him."
Theodore's heart dropped. She squeezed his hands, imploring him to wait.
"But the long distance was too hard. Relationships rely on communication and Ron's never been good at keeping up with letters and the like. So we said we would wait, we said we would try after I graduate, after he finishes the auror training program." She shook her head, face pained. "Evidently, it was too long. He moved on. We'll always be friends, and I'll always love him, but the relationship we wanted just… didn't work."
Theodore could hear his heartbeat speed up.
"I'm sorry," he said. He mentally squashed the hope – she was hurting and he shouldn't be rejoicing at that fact.
"It's alright," she replied, voice wobbling as she tucked her hair behind her ear. She took his hands again and looked up at him. He could see the pain in her eyes and knew that whatever she asked, he would do (anything, anything to make her feel better). "I do care for you. I wouldn't say love, not yet. I barely know anything about love, but I'm willing to try. I feel like I could love you. I just need some time."
Her voice trailed off and she waited for his reaction.
Theodore thought. And thought and thought and thought. His heart ached and his hands shook. He closed his eyes and breathed. He smelled warm summer, old books, and cinnamon. He heard laughter on the wind, the rustling leaves of the trees, and the soft splashing of the Black Lake. And in the distance, Theodore swore he could hear his mother's voice singing. He pressed his forehead to Hermione's and opened his eyes.
"I've waited almost five years," he said softly, "What's another five more?"
When she smiled at him, he could see the beaming face of the angel that he saw in his fifth year. At that moment, with Hermione in his arms and tears gathering in his eyes, Theodore felt hope.
1 – Elie Wiesel