Alexandria. I was surprised at how easily we'd found sanctuary. We hadn't been that far from our starting point, and there it was. The leader, a politician named Deanna Monroe, when we introduce ourselves I see her eyes flash at my name. Great, I thought, one of Mom's friends.
"I was sorry to hear about Delia and Robert," she offered, once my trio of travelling companions were scouting houses to see which one would be best for us. "They were good people."
I nodded, my fingers twisting the diamond necklace that Negan had given me during my graduation dinner, the matching bracelet flashing in the sunlight, and with my hair pulled back the earrings were visible too. I wore the set because each piece had been given to me by someone who wasn't with me right now.
"The world wasn't great before," I muttered, looking around at the shiny new community that seemed too perfect to be trusted. "But this? This is a fucking nightmare."
Deanna was far more optimistic than I was. She was a politician after all, so she knew how to spin the scenario to best suit our needs. Since I would have gotten my teaching degree had the world not turned to a living horror film, she decided that would be my role in our new group. I'd teach. Mary, Eric, and Steven were given the same types of jobs that they would have had if we'd kept going down our planned path. Mary, who had teased about winning acting awards, took charge of supplies and inventory management. Eric had planned to go to medical school, but after four years and time spent as a medic, became the medical team for supply runs outside of the walls of our community. And Steven worked with Deanna's husband, since he'd planned on working in architecture.
We settled into our new life, but after only a few months, I knew there was something Mary hadn't told us. And I confronted her, forcing her to confess to something that I had suspected, but she had feared.
"Yes, alright, I'm pregnant." She had her forehead pressed to the toilet of our shared bathroom. After a week of hearing her rush to the bathroom at first light and toss her cookies so fucking loud that I nearly joined her, she finally admitted it.
"Mary, who-" She shot me a look and I swallowed the question. "Well, I guess I'll just have to be the little peanut's 'daddy'." I sat down beside her on the bathroom floor and brushed her hair out of her face. "I mean, not like I'm gonna have any kids of my own, right?"
She rolled her eyes. "Amara, you could meet someone-"
It was my turn to flash her the look. That was dangerous territory and they all knew it. "Or," I stood up and offered her a hand up. "I could just be a spinster and leave the romance to Eric and Steven."
"That's right, bitch!" I heard Eric call from down the hallway. "We do it better than you straight assholes anyway!"
A year and a half, give or take, and our foursome was five, at least for a while. Trey was our little monkey. Adorable, with dark curly hair, eyes so dark they looked black, and an olive complexion that people would kill to have. He had all four of us wrapped around his little finger from day one.
Unfortunately, our lives weren't guaranteed, not that life was ever to be taken for granted. When Trey's first birthday drew closer, Mary became insistent that she go on a supply run. I told her it was ridiculous, a one year old doesn't really care what he gets for his present, all he really wants to play with is the wrapping paper anyway. But she wanted, no she swore, she needed to go out and find him something special.
I didn't like it or agree with it, but Mary was his mother. She wanted him to have something hand picked by her for his first birthday, then come hell or highwater, she was going to do it. I should have known, between the flash of fear when she said she wanted to go and then the promise she made me make before she walked away with Aiden, Deanna's son, I should have seen it. The promise was easy to make, of course I'd take care of Trey, and God forbid should something happen, I'd take up his care with the same intensity as Mary had.
Mary didn't come back. No body. No closer. She was gone. Aiden couldn't look me in the eye. He definitely didn't look Eric or Steven in the eye. And as I held Trey to me, knowing that he would feel the tension in our house from Mary's absence, I knew that he was mine. Forever.
Almost eight months after we lost Mary, as Trey was nearing his second birthday, a new group showed up led by Aaron our resident people finder. They looked haunted, and terrifying, but there was a baby and a teenager in their group so I knew I'd come to know them sooner or later. I was taking Trey for a walk when they showed up, dirty and thousand yard stares all around, but my little boy was excited when he saw they had a little person too.
"Come here, baby," I whispered, picking up his toddling self and holding him tight as the group passed. "Can you wave at the little girl?" Trey's fat fist waved and I caught a few of the adults in the group smile despite themselves. Kissing his dark curls, I turned away and walked back home.
I'd been right, of course, I did get to know the group. Rick Grimes became our security/peacekeeper, along with a fierce looking woman named Michonne. She had taken a keen interest in Trey, asking if she could hold him and I trusted her, somehow. Michonne became a welcome visitor to my house, along with Maggie and her husband Glenn. Maggie's eyes had landed on my rings and asked a question I'd grown to expect.
"Did your husband not-" I smiled sadly, watching Trey play with a set of blocks on the floor.
"We never actually made it to the altar." I thought about the dress I'd found almost a week before I saw the text that ruined it. "I don't know if he made it or not." I left it there, and usually that kept people from asking more questions. Grief was easy to deal with, we ALL lost someone, but the unknown? That was far worse and left people speechless with the worry and fear of the status of their missing loved ones.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, and I let our eyes meet. "Glenn and I were separated for awhile, and I thought I lost a piece of myself."
Nodding, I didn't share more. Negan and I were a conversation I kept to myself. Even Eric and Steven knew better than to bring him up. Wearing the rings, my diamond set, those were the only evidence that I even thought about him at all.
Trouble seemed to follow the newcomers into our world. The walkers, the dangerous people, and so much upheaval that I couldn't possibly tell anyone what I taught or who my students were during that clutch of waves. I lost two young students. I watched another lose an eye. I saw our leader die from a walker. Her husband having preceded her to the grave by the hand of another community member, our physician actually. I watched Deanna lose Aiden. I watched our people learn quickly that we were all so very ill prepared for this new reality we arrived in. And I watched as Rick Grimes and his group try to catch us up to speed.
Out of the entire group, even including Michonne and Maggie, I found the most comfort in getting to know the crossbow wielding redneck that needed a shower worse than some of the feral animals still roaming freely. I had a feeling he and Carol had more than a friendship going, but I caught sight of the woman leaving Tobin's house so I guessed wrong.
Daryl was soft spoken, despite his outward appearance. He listened and he learned quickly. Lacking tact, he almost made me think of Negan, but then he'd blush and duck his head and the flash of memory would go away and I could have peace again. He was amazing with Trey and Judith, Rick's little girl.
When the horde came, it was Daryl, Sasha, and Abraham that led them away. We lost so many fucking lives that day. I had the children whose parents could be convinced of the danger, hidden with me in the church, the preacher Gabriel keeping me company, creepy though he was. We heard the chaos and could almost FEEL the pain of loss even tucked away.
We all should have known that it wasn't over. Not when we heard about the attack of motorcycle riding men demanding things on the road. Not when the long haired man who called himself Jesus came along. Not when we lost Denise, or second in line for group doctor since Eric demanded to be allowed to stay with the runners, just in case. He hadn't been with Mary's group the day she died, and he still blamed himself. What horrible irony that the one time Denise went out on a run would be the last time she breathed air.
I'm not sure how I missed his name. I'm not sure how Eric and Steven didn't hear it. Maybe we'd conditioned ourselves to NOT hear his name. Since I wouldn't say it, they wouldn't offer it up, then maybe we'd conditioned ourselves to not acknowledge his name at all. That's the only way I can explain not knowing he was coming. That he was alive. That the man I'd loved was safe and sound, and apparently he was also the biggest bad that anyone in our community had ever fathomed.