A/N: Thanks to PredaconWyvern and Bluebell20 for reviewing the last chapter. Here's the next one!
Chapter Twenty-Three: Star Sapphire's Love
October 2004
Hal chucked his keys on the counter and peered into his meagerly-stocked pantry, hoping to unearth something he could whip up for dinner.
I really need to get some groceries.
The last two weeks had been rather hectic. What with his most recent U.S.A.F. assignment (testing a bunch of different military-grade planes from different aviation companies to find a replacement for the Peregrine), taking care of Carol as she recuperated, and covering for her to her father, colleagues — and Hector Hammond, of all people — as to why she needed recuperating, he'd hardly had any time to himself. He'd also had to endure two long meetings on the Watchtower — one to debrief after the fiasco in Coast City, and one to discuss the crystallized men situation. Batman had been quite adamant that he let them know as soon as Carol was recovered enough to free them, given that she owned the only Star Sapphire ring available to them for this very purpose; Hal, while empathetic towards the trapped males — particularly J'onn and Zatara — was just as immovable from his position that he would not push Carol to do so until she was good and ready. Things had gotten a bit heated and he and Batman were still unhappy with each other (it didn't help that Bruce still harbored some animus towards Hal about what he saw as a dereliction of duty to the League). Between all of that, Hal had had sporadic visits from John Stewart, who was keeping him appraised of the situation on Oa: Sinestro had been locked up in the highest-security sciencell beneath the citadel, on the other side of the planet from his yellow ring, where — along with the first one — it was under investigation by Salaak and Kilowog; Katma Tui had been dispatched to Zamaron to find out more about the Star Sapphire Corps; and apparently the Guardians were looking into reorganising the structure of the Green Lantern Corps.
All this had not left Hal much time for domestic affairs; consequently, his house was in dire need of some cleaning and his food supplies were dangerously low. Hal was resigning himself to having a meal of eggs and beans — hardly a filling repast after a day of flights — when the doorbell rang. He jogged over to answer, reflecting wryly that the thing had certainly seen a lot of use lately — so many people had dropped by his house, and done so frequently, in the last few months.
Outside stood Carol, holding up Chinese takeout and a six-pack of beers and wearing a slightly bashful smile. "Mind if I bribe my way in?"
Hal laughed warmly and took the items off her hands, ignoring her protests about it as he stepped aside to let her enter.
"How are you feeling?" he asked as he busied himself getting out their dinner. He cracked open two beers and passed one to Carol before checking the contents of the takeout boxes. Carol had gotten him his favourite — Hong Kong fried rice and five-spiced pork.
"All right, I guess. I'm still getting used to the scar." Even Doctor Fate's formidable magic could not erase that visible reminder of her near-fatal injury — and even if she'd had the choice, Hal felt Carol would have told Fate to leave it.
"What about internally?" Hal placed their takeout on the countertop and rummaged in a drawer for cutlery.
"Still sore. But much better than it was."
"That's good. It'll probably be another couple of weeks before you're completely back to yourself."
Carol made a face. "Remind me never to get stabbed again."
"Please don't. Seriously." Hal took his seat next to her at the countertop. "I don't think I could handle that again."
Carol's gaze softened. "You and me both," she agreed. She nudged Hal's chopsticks with her own. "Come on, eat before it gets cold. The serious stuff will keep till after dessert."
"You brought dessert too?" Hal said with delight.
"Why do you think I brought six beers?"
They kept the conversation light as they ate, simply enjoying being in each other's company. It had been far too long since they'd spent time together like this — no tension, quarrels, or romantic expectations, just two people who cared very much for each other. Hal was almost sorry when dinner was over and the empty takeout boxes were in the bin and they had to address the several elephants in the room.
"So…." He trailed off. This was the part he'd never been good at.
"So," Carol echoed. "What do you want to start with?"
Hal made a vague gesture with his hands. "Um…Star Sapphire?"
Carol sighed, but she'd more or less expected that he'd start with the least emotionally-charged issue they had to discuss. "All right, Star Sapphire. What about her?"
"Are you keeping the ring?"
Carol fidgeted with the finger where her violet ring was, currently invisible. "I don't know. I'd like to, I think — after everything I went through to get the damn thing — but…it's a heavy responsibility."
"Don't I know it," Hal muttered.
"Why didn't you keep your ring?" she asked.
"It doesn't belong to me anymore. It's John's now." He felt a strange pang as he acknowledged that. He'd given it up, but reclaiming it for that brief time to fight Sinestro had made him feel whole for the first time since Sinestro's trial. Giving it back to John had been a wrench — he felt empty without it.
Carol seemed to realize this. "If it chose you again, would you take it back? Become Green Lantern again?"
His reply was instant. "Yes."
"Why?"
"Because it feels — felt — right." Hal exhaled. "When I first got the ring, I didn't have much choice in the matter. It basically kidnapped me and I was told I was a Green Lantern and then thrown into training. Then Parallax and all the other stuff happened, and the League was founded, and it's just been one thing after another ever since. I never really had a chance to think about what life would've been like if the ring hadn't come to me."
"Easier," Carol said at once. "Less complicated. Less perilous."
"Definitely. But…emptier, too. Not as fulfilling, or meaningful…" Hal sighed. "When I resigned from the Corps, I was in a bad place," he confided. "I'd lost so much, and I didn't feel worthy anymore — and I sure as hell wasn't up to facing a Yellow Lantern with a murderous grudge against me. So I quit. But it wasn't because I'd actually thought it through and decided that was what I really wanted — it was because I didn't want to have to deal with it all. Life with the ring is…hard, and exhausting, and stressful. But I'd be lying if I said I haven't missed being Green Lantern everyday since I gave it up — I guess I'd taken it for granted, the whole time I'd had it. And — this is gonna sound silly — but when I put it on again that day, it…welcomed me. It was like coming home after a long time away."
"It doesn't sound silly." Carol remembered her own welcome from her ring — remembered feeling like she had found her exact place in the universe, like she belonged to something bigger than she was.
Hal smiled at her before continuing, "When the ring chose me, I saw it as a duty — another mission that had been assigned to me, and I was obliged to carry it out. I had no idea what I was getting into. Becoming Green Lantern that day to fight Sinestro, to protect you — that was my choice. My decision. And I think that's what made it right — how I found the strength of will to confront everything I'd been hiding away from…because now I knew exactly what bearing the ring entailed, and I decided I wanted it."
"You chose the ring for yourself, instead of just being chosen by the ring," Carol surmised.
"Exactly." Hal nodded. "The irony is that I've truly claimed my ring when it's no longer mine to claim. John's a good Lantern — he deserves to hold the ring."
"So do you, Hal," Carol said gently, covering his hand with hers.
Hal shook his head wistfully. "There's only one Green Lantern per sector. I won't usurp John's position just because I've finally pulled my head out of my ass."
"Sometimes you have to lose something to really appreciate it." Carol was fiddling with her ring again; it was visible now. "Do you think I should keep it?"
Hal eyed the Star Sapphire insignia on the violet band. "Seems to me like it's chosen you already. The question is, do you choose it?"
"I want to," she confessed. "It's…I understand love so much better now. I understand myself more. It's like Star Sapphire's filled a hole in my heart."
"But?" Hal prodded.
"But I'm not just any Star Sapphire — I'm queen. I don't even know what that's supposed to involve," she fretted.
"If it's anything like the Green Lantern clarissi, it's a fairly hands-off position most of the time — unless there's a crisis. Most Green Lanterns are pretty independent, and I'd bet the Star Sapphires are too, if they can carry on without a queen for months until the contest is decided. Though I don't know if you'd be the ultimate authority or whether you'd report to anyone like we do."
"Queen is queen. I lead the Star Sapphire Corps." Carol groaned. "I haven't even met any of them. I'm supposed to go to Zamaron to be inaugurated or whatever. It usually happens right after the queen wins her contest, but thanks to Sinestro…"
"Yeah." Hal added, "You should go. To Zamaron. Not now, obviously — but soon, when you're up to it. Don't make a decision until you do."
"Right," Carol agreed.
"There is one question I'm hoping you can answer, though."
"What?"
"How did you know I was Green Lantern?"
Carol looked thoughtful. "I'm not sure…I remember running into you a couple times as Star Sapphire — like that time with Doctor Polaris, but I didn't know you were Green Lantern then. I think I knew by the time you told me you'd resigned, though — I remember being upset about that."
"You were," he acknowledged, "but how did you find out?"
She shrugged. "It wasn't like a sudden realization or anything, more of a gradual conclusion from a few different factors. I can't really pinpoint anything in particular. Magically-enhanced perception from the Star Sapphire gem…the fact that you were so torn up about Ace…how Green Lantern disappeared and you were suddenly around a lot more often…Hector hinting that someone we know could be Green Lantern —"
"What?" exclaimed Hal.
Carol paused, her eyes widening. "Crap. I think he knows, Hal. When we had dinner the other day, he was talking about his work — he deals with metahumans a lot, apparently, and they had him on the Star Sapphire case — shit, he might even know I'm Star Sapphire."
Hal's mind flashed back to his own chat about metabeings with Hector — years ago, it seemed — the day of Sinestro's ill-fated trial. His spine tingled. Hector was not exactly favorable in his opinion of supervillains or superheroes — if he knew Hal and Carol were part of that community, what would he do with the information?
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," he decided. "We'll just have to be careful around him. Or, you will, if you decide to keep Star Sapphire."
"Thanks," Carol said sarcastically.
"What's next?" Hal asked.
"Us."
Hal winced.
"You knew it was coming, Hal. Where do we stand?" Carol's question was blunt and to the point. Hal had no room to evade, not anymore.
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "I mean, I know how I feel about you —"
"And how do you feel about me?"
"Come on, Carol, you know that — you're an expert on it now, aren't you?"
"Hal, I need to hear you say it." Her blue eyes were locked on his, intent, fervent, and Hal couldn't look away.
"I love you," he said passionately. "God, Carol — I love you with everything I have. When Sinestro hurt you, I —"
"I love you too," Carol replied. "As deeply as it is possible to love someone — and Star Sapphire proved that. But is that enough?"
"No," Hal said at once. "It's not. If it was, we wouldn't be as screwed up as we are. We'd be — I dunno — engaged or something."
"So why are we screwed up?" Carol pressed, ignoring his feeble attempts to make a joke. "What's our problem?"
Hal snorted disbelievingly. "You mean problems, plural. And we have a bunch."
"Like what?"
"Like me not being there for you when you need me. Like Green Lantern taking up time I should be putting into our relationship. Like me always having to lie or hide things from you."
"You're not Green Lantern anymore," Carol pointed out. "And unless you've been hiding or lying about something else that doesn't involve cosmic ring-related matters, we can scratch that off the list too."
"What do you want me to say, Carol?" he demanded. "Me being Green Lantern was a huge part of why we crashed and burned so hard —"
"Our problems existed long before you got the damn ring, Hal," she snapped.
"Sure, but the ring sure as hell didn't help — in fact, it made things worse." Hal deflated. "Look, Carol, I know I'm the one to blame, all right? I'm not expecting or asking for another chance. I think our ship has sailed."
"Do you really believe that?"
The question hung in the air, a plea and a direct challenge all in one. Carol's expression was vulnerable, full of understanding, heartbreak, and disappointment; it tugged painfully on Hal's heartstrings, making him wish he could sweep her into a hug and kiss it all better.
"Carol, I…" He swallowed, unable to find the words. "I don't know if talking about that possibility is going to accomplish anything."
"That, right there, is one of our major issues," declared Carol. "You prefer to avoid conversations like this. When we need to talk about difficult things, and complex emotions — you don't tend to stick around for it. You ignore them or you deflect my attempts to talk about them. And then they fester because we haven't dealt with them. Like how we still haven't talked about our fight in my office."
"I already said I know it's my fault —"
"Stop that. You're not the only one at fault, Hal. It takes two to tango." Carol took a swig of her beer. "Yes, you haven't always been there for me. But I haven't always been there for you either. There's a huge part of your life that I wasn't privy to — and you're right, that doesn't help. I don't blame you for not telling me you were Green Lantern — not exactly — but it hurts that you didn't, that you kept something so important from me."
"Carol…"
"Let me talk, Hal," she said firmly. "I need to get this out. Look, I get why you didn't tell me about Green Lantern — if the situation were reversed, I'm not sure I would tell you about Star Sapphire either — but understanding your decision doesn't mean I automatically stop being hurt by it. Maybe it's unreasonable, but humans are complicated — and we're more complicated than most.
"That aside, Green Lantern wasn't our only obstacle. We're both focused on our career. We both put more time and effort into our respective careers than into maintaining our relationship. We have both not been there for each other when we needed to be. And we haven't talked — really talked — about what our future would be, together or apart. We've just been living in the present, not bothering about what we want from the future or how we'd even get there. We were in limbo, Hal. If we were in a good place, we'd be together. If we weren't, we called it off. But we never stopped to think about what could happen if we persistently stayed together, or if we couldn't get back together after yet another breakup. We took each other for granted. It can't go on like that. One way or another, we have to make a decision."
"I know," Hal agreed heavily. "Which is why I think —"
"Shut up, Hal, I'm not done." Carol took a breath. "Listen, us staying together is hard. And we're both guilty of not trying enough — of calling it off when it gets too tough. Like you did when you quit the Corps. Like I did when I told myself I didn't want to care about you anymore. We took each other for granted. But it's like what you said about Green Lantern, Hal — being together feels right. And I think we've learned some things about making the hard choices."
"What are you saying, Carol?"
"I'm saying that life is too damned short for love to be denied. Love alone isn't enough — but if we love each other, then we have to be willing to do what it takes to keep that love alive. Being Star Sapphire has opened my eyes to so many things. The love that we have — Hal, something like that doesn't happen often. It's special. It needs to be cherished. It deserves to live and grow." Carol's blue eyes seemed almost to have a violet glow to them as she locked her gaze onto his.
"If you really believe that we can't grow anymore together, I will let you go. That's part of love. We'll both walk away and finally move on. But if you think — like I do — that there's at least a chance we can make it work, and you want to try…I want to try, Hal. And I mean really, truly try — no more of this half-hearted, one foot in, option-to-escape-and-come-back-when-things-are-easier stuff — I mean actual commitment, working through our issues — mmf!"
Hal had abruptly closed the distance between them to latch his lips onto hers. His fingers twined in in her hair, his mouth moved urgently against hers, and he was kissing her like it was the first and last kiss they would ever share. After a stunned second, Carol responded equally as passionately, wrapping her arms around him to hold him as close as humanly possible while her violet aura suffused them. She poured all her emotions into that aura, into their kiss — all her incredible love, painful heartbreak, desperate resolve, and tentative hope.
Carol had no idea how long the kiss lasted, but when they drew back for air and the violet light faded, Hal rested his forehead against hers and murmured earnestly, "I love you. And if you want this — if you want us — I'll try. I don't know if I'll be enough, but I promise I'll give it my all — I'm not running anymore, Carol. I love you."
"Hal."
"What?"
"Stop talking."
And she kissed him again.
A/N: Only one more to go after this! I'm still working on the final chapter, so please bear with me. I'm a working adult now, which means less time to write - but I promise, this story WILL be finished soon. In the meantime, I look forward to your reviews!