Chapter 39
Tony sighed again, trying to avoid meeting Ziva's eyes again. He should have known that, of all the people involved in this, Ziva was the one who wouldn't let things lie.
...and I should have known better than to turn my back on her, he thought to himself. When Ziva got upset, she tended to get physical and he had basically asked for her to do something.
"Please," Ziva said, her voice now pleading instead of combative. "I have to know why it is that at this moment I can trust Levi Carew more than I can trust you."
Tony winced. That one hurt.
"Tony, you cannot stay silent. You cannot pretend that this does not matter. It matters." Ziva grabbed his hands. "You matter, Tony. We need you."
"Who's we?" Tony asked, feeling a little bitter. "When you've jumped on the Carew cheerleader bandwagon, too."
"Do not deflect, Tony," Ziva said. "Something is wrong and I will not allow you to pretend that it is about Carew. I can see that it is not. What?"
Tony felt a little annoyed that he couldn't dance around this topic before going back and talking to Dr. Hicks again. If Ziva had waited just one more day...
What, DiNozzo? You'll be magically cured? Tony thought to himself. Yeah, right.
"I don't know what's wrong with me," Tony finally said.
He chanced looking at Ziva and he could see her skepticism. She probably thought he was just trying to avoid the conversation in a different way.
"I... Gibbs said I had to talk to someone and so I went to Dr. Hicks."
"You what?"
"I went and talked to Dr. Hicks a few days ago. I figured that, since he knows all this stuff already, I could get out of talking about it as much. ...but I was wrong. And... I don't know." Tony looked at his hands. Ziva hadn't let go yet. He looked up at her. "When did I start thinking that everything in my life was bad?"
"That is what you think?" Ziva asked, her brow furrowed. "After all the good that has happened, everything in your life is bad?"
Not exactly the most sympathetic, but she was listening, at least.
"I don't know."
He pulled his hands away and stood up, forcing Ziva to lean back a little bit. He walked away from her. She stayed where she was, kneeling on the floor.
"I was talking to Dr. Hicks. He was asking me questions and suddenly I was saying that there was no point in seeing things any other way because they always went bad again. Every time. When did I start thinking that way?"
"Tony... I did not think that you did feel that way."
Tony laughed humorlessly. "Yeah. Neither did I."
"Only you can know what you are thinking," Ziva said. "And even if that is the case, why are you hiding from all of us?"
Tony didn't want to talk about this to Ziva, too. Bad enough that Gibbs was forcing him to talk to Dr. Hicks. Not Ziva, too.
"Tony, you cannot just sit there and ignore me. I am not above slamming you into the wall again."
"That might be better than answering your question."
Before he was ready for it, Ziva was there, grabbing him and forcing him to turn around. She did not slam him into the wall again, but she didn't let him go, and he'd forgotten just how strong her grip was. He hadn't really given her any reason to push him around for a while.
What really surprised him was the expression on her face. It was almost one of desperation. It wasn't anger like he'd expected.
"Please, Tony. You have been running away for too long. It started before now, before we found Tim. Tell me why."
And being forced to look her in the eye again, Tony found that he couldn't lie about where his mind had settled, where all this was leading to. He didn't want to say it, but he couldn't lie about it.
"Because... everything being so bad still is my fault."
Ziva let him go, looking surprised.
"What?"
"All this. The times Tim got taken. The times he's had to worry about this stuff... it's my fault."
"Why would you say that?"
"Because I broke. Because I told the people who wanted to torture Tim to death who he was... because I decided you were more important than he was."
Ziva was silent for almost a minute, just staring at him in what could only be disbelief. Tony wasn't sure how to take that expression.
"Tony... are you really so arrogant as to think that what you do matters more than anyone else?"
"Huh?"
Ziva laughed incredulously. "What you did ten years ago has no bearing on what happened this time. The only time that maybe could be blamed on you was when those people took him to the desert, the time when he was tortured. That is the only time. The problems he has had since then have had absolutely nothing to do with you. Why do you think you are so important?"
"Well, I certainly don't now," Tony said.
Ziva rolled her eyes at him. "Please, Tony. I will not allow you to brush this away like that. You know what I meant. Why would you think that your actions so long ago are why Tim has fought against the FBI, why Carew took him to Yemen, why Tim went off to save Carew, why these domestic terrorists decided they wanted him? You did not start all this. You are merely a blip in Tim's problems."
"So what I did to Tim doesn't matter?" Tony asked...but not really asking. "You think he's ever really forgotten what I said to him, how I treated him... how I hurt him? You really think that Tim just bounced back from that and doesn't think about it?"
"No. I think that he does not think about it much...except when you make it impossible for him to ignore it. Tim is stronger than you seem to think he is."
"So strong that he fell apart because of what happened this time?"
Ziva grabbed him and shook him again.
"You will not insult Tim in your attempt to take responsibility for everything in the world! If you wish to drag yourself down, I cannot stop you, but I will not stand by and let you put Tim down because you refuse to make any effort at all in saving yourself!"
"Whoa!" Tony said, surprised. He pulled himself free of Ziva's hands and took a step back. "Saving myself? Insulting Tim? A little over-dramatic, aren't you?"
"No," Ziva said, angrily. "No, I am not being over-dramatic. You are destroying yourself, Tony. Bit by bit. Tim is dragged down by these things that keep happening to him, but he tries to climb back out. You do not. You're sitting down there in a hole pretending you are not there, and now, it seems that you are starting to dig."
Which was a lot like what Dr. Hicks had said, Tony realized uncomfortably. He didn't like that two people were saying essentially the same thing.
Then, inexplicably, Ziva's eyes filled with tears and she turned away from him.
"What's that for?" he asked, a little belligerently. He felt like Ziva was trying to manipulate him, although if he was honest, he knew she didn't do that. Ziva was far too straightforward for manipulative tears. But he really didn't know what she was crying for.
For a moment, it was silent except for Ziva's breathing. Then, she straightened and turned around, tears running down her cheeks.
"I have seen a man I loved once die, Tony. I have seen a man I loved destroy himself. With his last breath, all Ray wanted was some kind of redemption for what he had chosen to do. He wanted some way to... be saved. I watched him die. Destroyed by his own choices."
She stopped and looked at the floor for a few seconds and then, she proved that she didn't have to hit him to knock him down. She looked up again and shook her head.
"I will not do it again."
Then, she turned and literally ran out of his apartment, leaving Tony feeling utterly shocked. He sank down onto the nearest chair and wondered what had just happened.
For a long time, he didn't move.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
The door to the office opened and Zahara smiled as she saw Tim come out, looking a little better than when he had gone in. She stood up.
"Tim?"
He mustered up a weak smile for her. And Zahara reminded herself that he hadn't been able to smile even just a few days before.
"Remember what I said, Tim. Can you wait for a couple of minutes while I talk to your wife?"
"Yeah," Tim said and sat down. He didn't ask what the conversation would be about.
Zahara went into the office and sat down on a chair. Dr. Hicks sat across from her.
"Was that helpful for you?" he asked.
"Yes, I think it was. Dr. Clarence is very kind," Zahara said.
"Good. Would you be willing to keep speaking with her for the next little while?"
Zahara considered it. Her meeting with Dr. Clarence hadn't felt like therapy of any kind. It had just seemed like she was speaking to a very good listener.
"Is this what all therapy is like?" she asked.
Dr. Hicks smiled. "It depends on the problem. What you need most is some extra support, relief from the stress. That's what she's giving you while you need it. As long as you need that, I think it would be a good idea. If you're amenable."
"I suppose so. Is Tim better?"
"A little. I've told him that he needs to get outside at least one other time besides coming here to see me. At least once every day. If it can be with you or with Salma, that will be good, but any time spent outdoors will help."
"He went with Ziva this morning to walk Jethro."
"Yes, he told me. He also said how much he didn't want to do it, but he's in a state now where he can deal with some of the harder things. And that is very good. I think, over the next week, you'll find that he improves dramatically. Not all at once, of course, but he'll be much more like what you want to see."
"Really?"
"Yes."
Zahara felt hope stirring inside her and she forgot her usual reticence. She grabbed Dr. Hicks' hands and squeezed them tightly.
"Thank you for all you have done for my husband... for all of us."
Dr. Hicks squeezed her hands in return.
"I get the best reward there is by seeing my patients recover. And it's happening. Not as fast as you all want it to, but it is. So go home and see if you can help it along by letting Tim see how wonderful the world is."
"Yes. Thank you, Dr. Hicks," Zahara said. "Inshallah, he will be even better next time."
Dr. Hicks smiled and helped her stand.
Zahara went out and greeted Tim.
"Come, Tim. Let's go home."
He nodded and they left together.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
After Ziva's departure, Levi sat back on the couch for a few minutes, just thinking.
And not only about Ziva's request. He was also thinking about the fact that she had simply admitted that he was not the enemy. Now, she had added a qualifier to that statement, but there had been no overt or even subtle dislike expressed. In addition, she had been the one who had been the most willing to look beyond his actions and simply focus on the task at hand.
He couldn't help wondering what made the difference. Was it just that she was too practical to hold onto grudges when she knew the person could help? Somehow, he doubted it. It was possible to hold a grudge but grudgingly accept help from someone one loathed. He was definitely curious about it, though. If it hadn't been for the request she had made, he would have tried to sneakily get at the reason for it.
As it was, perhaps those considerations would be best kept for later.
So, instead of thinking about that, he got up and went into his study for the first time in weeks. He sat down at the desk and began to jot down ideas for how Tim might get out of this trap he was starting to feel closing around him. The trap had been springing for years. It was just that it had been so slow that no one had realized it until it was too late. And it wasn't just some trap he could easily sidestep. No, it was actually a mine that could do more than trap him. It could destroy him. Now, the trap had been escaped, but he was still in the middle of a mine field. What Levi needed to find was some way that he could defuse, if not all the mines, most of the mines and give Tim a way out of the field.
The question was how to do that effectively.
"What are you doing, Dad?" Bri asked, sitting down across from him.
"You could knock," Levi said, mildly.
"You left the door open," Bri retorted.
"True, but I'm pretty sure your arms are long enough to knock anyway," Levi said. "I'm trying to figure out a way to reduce the demand for Tim's services."
Bri sat quietly for a moment, thinking. Levi was surprised. She usually treated any mention of Tim with an extreme amount of awkwardness.
"You might need him to do something himself."
"Why would you say that?"
"Because, from what I understand, Agent McGee has eschewed all aspects of that part of the world where hackers like to brag or get hired to do things. He's never said a word there. Clearly, that didn't stop these people from taking him by force. So, it's probably time for a change in tactics. He needs to talk."
"Even so, he'll need to get that message disseminated widely. There's no one listserv that would be sufficient for that."
"I'll bet there are people who could help with that, you know."
"Possibly, but I don't know how to contact them."
"I'll bet Agent McGee does."
"True. Well, that's certainly a possibility."
"Don't work too hard. You'll irritate Mom."
Levi smiled. "I do that on a daily basis anyway."
Then, suddenly, the slightly-serious banter was gone.
"Let yourself recover, Dad. Stop wearing yourself down because you think it'll make you a better person. It won't. Living right will do more."
Levi looked up from his notes in surprise. Bri shrugged and got up.
"It'll be lunchtime soon," she said.
"I won't miss it."
"Mom won't let you."
"I know that," Levi said.
Bri left the room and Levi looked after her. That had been interesting.
But for now, he needed to keep working.