He was numb. Completely numb.
Sirius had come back for the funeral, but he had to leave again right after. He hadn't wanted to go. He hadn't wanted to do anything. Poor James and Lily couldn't even attend in the first place. All any of them wanted was to be together.
Remus had remained alone back at the apartment after Sirius left again. Harry's first birthday came so soon after and he couldn't bring himself to go. He just dropped Sirius' gift at the door along with his own and left. He'd received a letter from Lily that afternoon with a picture enclosed of Harry cuddling up with their new cat, the gift Remus had given after obtaining Lily and James' full permission nearly a month ago. Apparently, he'd also loved the broomstick Sirius had got him. He was glad.
He'd spent a lot of time with James and Lily since it happened, but this was supposed to be a day with the slightest glimmer of hope and he just couldn't bring himself to taint it. He certainly couldn't bring himself to feel anything so unattainable as hopefulness.
It just wasn't fair. None of it was fair. They were all holding it together, even him, because the enormity of it was just so much that nobody even knew how to go about falling apart.
Almost nobody even knew that Marlene and her family were involved with the Order. They had only ever attended meeting sparingly, and only with core Order members. The legal work they did with was vital and the secrecy of it was utmost. Death Eaters had swarmed their offices. Marlene and her family never stood a chance.
Somebody leaked it. They always knew it was an Order member, but somebody in that core group was a traitor. It was unthinkable. At the funeral, nobody could quite meet anybody else's eyes. The Marauders and Lily knew they could trust each other. Everyone else was suspect. Sirius had been so angry Remus was genuinely afraid he would start a fight right there in front of the graves. Didn't matter with who.
It was bad enough, but then days after Harry's birthday they finally got the word. Dorcas had been missing since right after the attack. The slaughter. They had all been hoping for some miracle, but as had been drilled into them again and again by this fucking nightmare, there were no miracles.
She had gone after them. They always knew that she was a powerful witch. There were really no areas in which she did not excel, but she chose to channel it all into healing.
She got through a lot of Death Eaters before Voldemort decided to deal with her himself.
Sirius came home again after that. He'd taken a week off work after getting back from the mission and had stayed in his Animagus form almost the entire time. Him and Remus spent most of their days laying in bed together, though sometimes they took long, aimless walks through the city. Remus was up to smoking nearly two packs a day. Sirius never commented.
Somehow, he'd managed to avoid relapse, though he hardly knew how long he could keep it up. It just felt wrong. Too wrong even for his worst instincts to convince him to give in. They were in it together. Himself, Sirius, Lily, James and Peter. He couldn't be the one to fall apart and make it all about his drama. He wouldn't do that to them. He wouldn't put them through all that again when they were in the middle of the worst moment the fucking war had yet to lay at their feet.
He wouldn't do that to Marlene and Dorcas.
It had been six weeks and he still hadn't really accepted that they were gone. He'd been volunteering a lot since Sirius went back to work, and it helped him feel slightly more grounded. Still, the grief was almost overwhelming.
Then he got the word from Dumbledore. It wouldn't be long this time. Only a few weeks while they worked through approaching and negotiating with Annabelle. He knew he had to do it, though he desperately did not want to go.
It had been weeks since he'd had any real thoughts of Andy. The idea of telling Sirius what he'd done seemed almost trivial in the face of their loss. It seemed cruel. Now though, he couldn't get it out of his mind. He didn't know what he was going to do.
Remus was on the couch attempting to read when Sirius came home from work. He hadn't absorbed a single word of the book. He hadn't really been able to read since they got the news about Marlene. He just couldn't focus on anything.
He looked up as Sirius closed the door just a little too hard. His knuckles were bloodied. Remus threw his book down and walked over to him, grabbing his hands to take a look. He could smell the Firewhisky on his breath.
"It's fine," said Sirius, yanking his hand away.
"What about the other guy?"
"A total prick."
Remus stared Sirius down. Sirius sighed.
"He was up and walking when I left. Not likely to grab a girl without asking anytime soon," he said with a smug smirk.
This had been the routine. Once or twice a week Sirius would come home like this. He never drank in the apartment. Remus didn't really think it was about the drinking. He didn't tend to get much more than tipsy. He figured it was more about having an excuse for getting into fights. All that rage and paranoia had to go somewhere.
Remus grabbed him by the shirt. He pulled him forward and kissed him. Sirius kissed back. His jacket was off, followed by his shirt. They made their way to the living room desperately, items of clothing strewn on the floor as they went. Remus had been intending to talk when Sirius got home, but he forgot all about it as Sirius pushed him down onto the couch.
It was quick. Rough. Remus enjoyed the vicarious thrill as he tasted the whisky still fresh on Sirius' breath. He could feel his hips bruising where Sirius' hands dug in and he leaned into it.
When they were done, they lay together on the couch. Some of that anger seemed to have left Sirius, and Remus felt a little more connected to reality than he had all day. He lay his head against Sirius' chest as Sirius ran his hand through his hair.
"I got the word from Dumbledore," said Remus, interrupting the peaceful silence.
He felt Sirius tense up against him. "I thought you weren't supposed to tell me about this stuff anymore. I can be reckless, or so I've been told," said Sirius a little snidely, though it seemed directed at Dumbledore more so than Remus.
"Fuck him. Fuck that. I won't just disappear on you. Not now."
A beat.
"I miss them so much," whispered Sirius.
"Me too," said Remus, tearing up. He wiped it away quickly. "I'll only be gone a few weeks. Dumbledore thinks this might be it, what we've been looking for. I'm not so sure. I think it'll be a harder sell than he believes."
"It shouldn't be a hard fucking sell at all. How is it this difficult to get them to side with the people who don't want to kill them?" huffed Sirius.
"It's not that simple," said Remus.
Sirius sat up, pushing Remus up in the process. He looked over at Remus.
"After everything that's happened, I just don't think I buy that anymore. It is that simple. You're either with Voldemort or you're against him. If someone is too stupid or too cowardly to know the difference then as far as I'm concerned, they're getting what's coming to them," he said bitterly.
Remus looked at him sadly. He understood what Sirius was feeling, but things just weren't that binary. He needed him to know that the work he was doing wasn't just for nothing.
"As far as the people in these communities are concerned, the Ministry is just as likely to kill them one day as anyone else. Plenty in the Ministry have said as much, and not all of them can be converted by having to raise a werewolf son," he said painfully as he thought of his father. "Given the conditions they live with, you can hardly blame them for wanting to listen when someone comes along and tells them they have the key to a better life," he reasoned calmly.
Sirius stood up, reaching over to where his pants lay discarded on the floor and pulling them on. Remus did the same, sensing that he hadn't appealed to Sirius' rationality as well as he hoped.
"That's shit. A cop out. They're not stupid. They know what's happening, what Voldemort stands for. What he's asking them to do in return for rights that he's never going to give them anyway. If they're willing to go along with him then maybe they don't deserve those rights to begin with."
Remus bristled at that. "Don't deserve their rights? Are you hearing yourself?"
"Don't twist my words, I'm not talking about lycanthropes, I'm talking about Death Eaters and everyone who supports them."
They were both standing, facing each other. Sirius seemed to have no interest in hearing a word of disagreement.
"Do you really think the packs that have sided with him have made an informed, uncoerced decision? That they are the same as the privileged pure blood assholes who are joining up for the sake of their own supremacy? You have no idea how these people have been living. They're legislated out of any hope for a meaningful life. Some of them have been hunted. Driven from Wizarding and muggle communities alike. No education, so support. Lycanthropes are murdered at a higher rate than almost any population on the planet, and it's wizards who are doing it. You want to say that they're stupid, evil people because they're willing to listen to the first person who has ever suggested to them that they deserve better? Or should they just be reasonable and join in the war on the side of the same community that will almost certainly continue to persecute them after they win?"
Sirius was staring at him, mouth agape. "Wow, that's quite a little speech, Moony. Did you rehearse it? Not to sound too much like a privileged pure blood asshole, but fuck that. Obviously, I know how fucked up the Ministry is and I don't expect anyone to just take it lying down, but this is beyond that. Some things are just wrong. What's been done to them is wrong, but that doesn't make siding with Voldemort any less wrong and I cannot even comprehend that you would suggest otherwise after everything we've lost!"
"Of course I'm not suggesting that! Do you think I'm any less angry than you? I'm not saying that maybe Voldemort is a good guy after all, I'm just saying that I don't think you can categorize all of the people from those packs as irredeemably bad knowing the context of how they got there!"
"Can't I? It's not like all of them make the wrong choice. What about the people you've told me about? People like Oliver? All the others who have resisted? What about you? You face all the same barriers as the rest of them and you're not like that at all!"
"Is that what you think? I had an education. I had a family who were willing to keep me. Dumbledore personally on my side. Friends in the Wizarding community and a partner who I rely on for stable housing. I am worlds away from the experiences that these people have had to go through, and you know what? I'm still a chronically unemployed junkie with a suicide attempt under my belt! I'm not better than anyone. If I hadn't had Dumbledore in my corner, I'd probably be in the same place as all the rest of them, and I don't know what kind of choices I'd be making in that position!"
Sirius was stunned for a moment. Remus had never said those words before. Suicide attempt. He'd never, ever called it that. Never admitted that the overdose and near miss with the roof was anything other than an unremembered mistake. He listened as Remus empathized with the scum that chose to associate themselves with Voldemort, and all he could hear was self-loathing.
"Don't say that. Don't even think it. You're not like them. I don't care what the circumstances are, you would never, ever make that kind of choice. You're so much better than that Remus, even if you refuse to see it," said Sirius forcefully.
"You're missing the point, Sirius. It's not about if I'm better. I'm telling you, I'm not. It's about how Voldemort and Greyback can use those horrible circumstances to manipulate incredibly vulnerable people to their will. If you think that vulnerability makes those people inherently not worth protecting, then you don't understand at all why I'm doing the work I'm doing," said Remus, stepping forward, trying to make him understand.
"No. I don't. You said yourself that you don't even think this person you're working with can be convinced. That even Dumbledore can't get them to side against the Death Eaters. They killed our friends! They killed Marley and Dory! Anyone who isn't actively, willfully against Voldemort is an enemy as far as I'm concerned. If you think you can make a difference then go on the mission, I'm not going to fight you or stop you, but I hate the thought of you associating yourself with these people and thinking you're the same as them."
"They're not bad people in this pack. Even if they don't want to get involved in the war. They're just people who've had difficult lives who want to be left alone. I want to fight, but fuck, I can understand why they don't," he said. "I'm not as good a person as you seem to think I am, but my refusal to see things in black and white like you do isn't my problem."
"Well I guess we just have a fundamental difference of opinion on both those counts," said Sirius stubbornly.
Remus sighed. Sirius was still fired up. All of a sudden, he just couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't stand there and listen to Sirius tell him what a good person he was. How underserving and irredeemable all these other werewolves were compared to him. It pissed him off. It made him feel like he was drowning in shame. It made him wonder if Sirius would have ever seen him as worthwhile if had met him as just another werewolf living in the packs, rather than a kid at school. He didn't know what he wanted from this, but he couldn't leave Sirius in the dark a moment longer. He deserved better. He deserved so much better than Remus.
"I cheated on you."
"What?" asked Sirius, blinking rapidly at Remus, struggling to change gears.
Remus just stared at him, hoping he would process the words without making him say them again. He breathed heavily, fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill in the corners of his eyes.
"You mean with the guy at the club? Moony, I got over that ages ago-"
He stopped abruptly as Remus shook his head no. Sirius was very still for a moment, face suddenly very blank as he turned it over in his mind.
"When was this?" he asked eventually.
"About two months ago now," said Remus evenly.
"Two months… you were on a mission." Remus nodded. "So you lied. You said you didn't relapse, but that was obviously a fucking lie," accused Sirius.
"No. I didn't lie. Not about that," Remus said very softly.
"Oh."
Sirius looked around the room as if he were expecting people to jump out from behind the furniture with a camera. Like he was trying to understand the punchline of a joke. When he couldn't find the answers he was looking for, he turned back to Remus, feeling anger creeping back in through the sudden numbness.
"So what does this mean exactly? Was it just the one guy?" Remus nodded. "Did you kiss him? Did he give you a blowjob? Come on, fill me on the details a little," said Sirius with a frantic edge.
Remus stared back. "Sirius, I'm sorry-"
"You fucked him, didn't you." Sirius nodded, clenching his fists at his side when Remus offered no denial. "Just the once?" Remus hung his head guiltily, shaking it no. "Great. Great, well, it's good to know you were nice and sober while you were fucking someone else. Glad you could have some fun while you were away. Or was it all for the Order? Taking one for the team, as it were?"
Remus stepped towards Sirius, reaching out instinctively. "Sirius, I'm so sorry. I know it's not enough, but-"
He was cut off as Sirius shoved him away. Hard. Hard enough that he tripped backwards, slamming his leg into the coffee table and his head against the floorboards as he landed with a thud on his back.
"You piece of shit! Go ahead, go on your fucking mission back to your lover and those people you sympathize so deeply with," spat Sirius as he stood over Remus, fists balled tight and shaking.
Remus groaned and reached up to clutch at his head. When he pulled his hand away, there was a trickle of blood. Sirius breathed heavily as he noticed the redness. He looked back down at his hands with a dawning horror. His knuckles were starting to scab up from the fight he'd been in earlier.
"Fuck," he whispered. "I didn't mean to…"
Sirius dropped his hands sharply, walking towards the bathroom. He came back a moment later with a potion bottle in hand. He crouched down beside Remus, who had managed to pull himself up into a sitting position. He looked up at Sirius apologetically even as he knelt down to minister to the wounds that he had caused.
"Drink this," he instructed, handing Remus the healing potion to head off any chance of concussion. While Remus drank, he ran his wand over the cut on the back of his head, muttering a healing spell.
After he had finished, they both sat there on the floor in silence for a while. All the fight had left Sirius. He didn't even know if he was sad. He'd confronted the possibility of something like this before, after Remus kissed that man. This was different, though. This wasn't some blacked out mistake.
Remus was watching him carefully, waiting for a response. He knew what he hoped Sirius would say. He also knew he didn't deserve forgiveness, no matter how much he needed it.
"I miss them every day," said Sirius eventually. "All I think about, all day, every day, is which one of us is going to be next. Which one of us will be betrayed by someone we thought we knew."
Remus felt a stab through his chest at the subtext of that statement. "I miss them so fucking much."
"I shouldn't have pushed you," Sirius said softly.
"It's fine."
"No, it's really not. None of this is fine, Remus. Look at us. What the fuck are we doing?" he asked earnestly.
"I love you, Sirius. More than anything. I'm sorry. I know how hollow it sounds, but I mean it."
"I love you too. And you know what? I know your sorry. You're always sorry. I'm always sorry. Maybe it's not enough for us to keep being sorry after we hurt each other."
"What are you saying?" asked Remus, not wanting to hear the answer he knew was coming.
"I can't do this anymore. You knew that. It's why you didn't tell me right away. You knew I couldn't trust you after something like this."
After a moment, Remus nodded. There were silent tears streaming down both of their faces. They sat in silence for quite a long time. They were close, but not touching. The little distance between them seemed completely insurmountable.