chapter 26: nothing?
Taki 17 July
We don't talk much on the way back, but she surprisingly looks better. Almost as if she had accomplished something. I feel confused at her sudden change of composure. It's good, of course. The therapy sessions helped. But what exactly?
"So… you're feeling better?" I ask Mitsuha apprehensively, desperately studying her face.
"Of course," she says affirmatively, staring straight into my eyes and smiling a bright smile. It's then I realise that I haven't seen that smile in so long… It isn't the insincere, sad smile that I used to see. It is the genuinely beautiful smile, of genuine joy and happiness, the one that had gone away for so long. I can't help but smile as well.
"Ever since I've started, I could never speak and tell Emiko what happened. I don't know why, but I just couldn't. I don't know what happened today. I just… I just felt safer, less terrified... like I was in control." Mitsuha tells me.
"Could it have been because… I was there?" I say. I suddenly realise that it sounds awkward and out of context, and I lower my head in embarrassment.
"Hmm…" She hesitates, "it could be. Like you… reminded me that it wasn't real... I guess."
A warm, sudden, but welcome gush of relief floods my heart. All the guilt that was building within me rinses off… well, most of it. Some of it is stubborn: it clings on to my heart, never letting me go, reminding me that I am the reason why she got into this mess in the first place. But I feel lighter, and so does my heart. An invisible weight has been lifted. I feel strangely relieved and happy now.
We continue to walk silently, taking time to enjoy a moment of serenity. I begin to feel what Mitusha feels: happiness, a sense of accomplishment. I can't help but feel happy, not just for her, but for everything in general. Hope embraces my heart like a warm, soothing blank.
One which I hold tightly onto, one which I'd never let go.