Chapter 31
"Oh my god", Lily cried.
There he was, Severus Snape she had been dying to see, holding a newborn baby wrapped in a white blanket. The red-haired girl gaped her mouth in utter shock, unable to speak or move. The baby he was holding squirmed, burping, which prompted Severus to sway the baby gently. To her horror, Severus seemed so natural at doing it as though he had been doing this for quite some time.
Seeing the lose gown and nightwear he was wearing, it appeared the Slytherin boy lived in this very room instead of the Slytherin dormitory. The furniture inside the room was convincing enough and the bed with majestic headboard and an exquisite canopy.
Trying to process what she was seeing with difficulties; Lily Evans finally opened her mouth.
"Severus, what is all this?" she asked in whisper.
But the boy simply baffled by her presence, awkwardly stealing glances in between rocking the baby to calm him. When the baby stopped squirming, Severus gave an incredulous look towards Lily.
"How did you find me here?"
Lily snorted; "-how did I find you here? What is this place? What are you doing here and who is that baby? What- why Black's keeping you here?" And the redhead started to unload all of her confusion in desperate voice.
However, the boy did not answer. Instead, he looked at the baby in his arms and then her.
"Would you like to sit down?" Severus paused, gesturing a cherry wood chair near him. "If you want an explanation. I have to put Caelum back into his crib."
Lily opened her mouth to argue but she quickly closed it without speaking and nodded grimly. When the girl tentatively took a step towards the chair, Severus moved towards a small door she had not noticed there was and went inside.
Lily stared at the door fixedly, fidgeting uncomfortably. Her mind was completely blown away by the unexpected situation that she could not even process any logical thoughts. She simply pressed pause and waited until the Slytherin boy come out.
And finally, the boy came out, heaving a heavy sigh. His dark eyes met her green eyes straight. Lily felt a shiver running down her spine. He never looked at her eyes straight, always the stolen glances like that of a covetous child stealing sweets. It felt so different to look at the bottomless black eyes right in front of her, never avoiding her gaze. He looked different, even.
Severus always hung his head low, hiding his face in the curtains of black hair, his dark eyes avoiding any gazes. The boy walked straight to the redhead and placed a chair in front of her. He used to walk like a twitchy little spider, his shoulders hunched, his hands fidgeting nervously. It was so strange to see him like this.
Lily swallowed hard.
There was a pang of guilt and regrets that went straight to her heart. He changed. It was so crystal clear that Lily had to bite the inside of her cheek to swallow bitterness. Severus Snape had changed and grown so much that she barely recognized him. Of course, she should be happy for it, but the wicked part of her mind grieved at the loss.
"You look different", without moment to stop herself, Lily blurted out.
Severus gave a wistful smile, "it's been a while you've seen me."
Lily also gave a rueful look at that.
"Can you explain what is going on? Sev", Lily chewed on her lip nervously.
Severus paused, momentarily savoring the way she used to call him. It has been so long they've been apart. Though Severus was no longer helplessly alone as before, he was glad to see her.
"It's… complicated", the Slytherin boy sighed. "How did you find me here?"
"I've… I've been following Remus and Sirius Black. They've been acting so strangely, and you weren't showing at classes or mealtime, so I…." Lily trailed off.
"You wished to see me?" Severus asked incredulously.
Lily Evans fixed her gaze upon Severus' dark eyes and gave a firmed nod.
"Why?" Severus immediately asked, unable to believe that to be true.
The red-haired girl lowered her gaze, staring at her hands fumbling her skirt, looking ashamed. She took a moment to arrange her thoughts, and to choose right words for her mind.
Lily looked up, biting her lower lip.
"I am sorry, Severus."
Severus' eyes widened.
"I'm sorry for not trusting you, Severus, I am sorry for letting us apart-,"
"-No, that's, Lily, that was my fault", said Severus, interrupting Lily's apology. "I'm sorry for calling you mudblood, I'm sorry that I didn't see what I was becoming of. You were right, I chose my path and I chose the wrong one."
"Oh, Sev", Lily sighed. "I heard you with Regulus Black few months ago. I heard the conversation and I realized you've made the right choice, eventually", Lily said, leaning towards Severus.
She reached her hand and placed it upon Severus' thin hand and squeezed.
"I am so proud of you. I wish I could have put more faith in you like I always did but I was scared, Severus. Everyone was telling me you were going to abandon me for You-Know-Who and I was scared. But none of these make a good excuse for leaving you to the dark. I just-," Lily bit her lip, unable to put her feelings into words.
"You were frightened that you already lost me", Severus whispered, as though he realized something.
Lily nodded her head grimly.
Severus looked down at their joined hands. He caressed the back of her white, plum hand with his thumb. How much he wished he would be able to hold this hand once again. How much he missed her. Severus met her green gaze in adoring way. So many times, in the past he blamed and hated the girl for leaving her, and for choosing Potter, he barely remembered any of those moments. He used to blame the girl for leaving him all alone in the dark miseries he was living in.
"It's alright, Lily. I'm fine now", Severus said.
Lily squeezed his hand once more, before sitting up straight in her chair.
"Now please tell me, what is going on." The redhead repeated.
Severus swallowed a sigh and met her gaze.
"Last summer, before the break-, there was incident between Sirius and I", Severus started with a determined look adorning his feature.
Even though he wanted Caelum to be kept as secret, but he wouldn't lie to Lily. He trusted Lily to be discreet.
Lily's eyebrow twitched at the way he called the Black boy with his first name but remained silent.
"He… Sirius drank some potion he had found out from an old book. And it made him do things, things he would have not done in his right mind."
"What kind of things?" Lily asked, feeling the chill running down her spine. There was a horrible feeling stabbing at her heart like an ice.
"I think you can guess what happened", said Severus.
It had been a while Severus recalled that night started all this. Curiously, it felt hurt but not as hurt as before. The night Sirius forced himself upon Severus used to send an icy dagger to his heart. Yet, surprisingly, Severus felt much easier telling about it now. Perhaps the joy of having Caelum overwhelmed the horror, or perhaps the sincerity of Sirius and his newfound emotion faded the scar.
Whatever it was, Severus realized with a slight surprise that the nightmare haunted him would never hurt him again.
Lily froze.
Her entire body started to spasm as the green eyes asked for confirmation on her theory. Severus gave a short nod in respond. Lily gasped, covering her mouth with her hand in horrified look.
"Oh, Severus-," Lily sobbed.
"And after I got back from Hogwarts that I realized I was carrying his child", Severus calmly continued his story. "I could not erase the life inside me, so I decided to let go of what I used to think was the only resolution to my life. I chose my child instead of the dark path. That's what happened. And Sirius Black found out the truth and regretted his action. He started to help me go through pregnancy as well as the labor. He will be accommodating me and my child, in his flat when we graduate-,"
"You are going to live with Sirius Black?" Lily interrupted, her eyes widened, horrified.
Severus paused, studying the girl's face who looked absolutely disgusted at the idea.
"Where else would I go? My father's? You are perfectly well aware of that horrid man's-,"
"Sirius Black raped you!" Lily spat, her eyes glaring dangerously.
Severus was taken aback. He hadn't expected the girl to utter the word. More than that, he has never seen such a look upon the pretty face of Lily Evans. Her face contorted as though in agony, her eyes wild with fury and her mouth twitched and flexed. Never had he even imagined she would make such face.
"He apologized for what he did, he had sworn to me that he will never harm me", said Severus after a moment of silence.
Lily snorted, outraged. "And you believed that?"
Severus frowned, perturbed by her tone. He slowly nodded.
Clenching tightly around her skirt until her knuckle turns white, Lily breathed through her nose deeply.
"You're not going with him", suddenly the girl spoke decisively.
Severus quirked his eyebrow, "what?"
"You're not going with that monster", Lily gritted out, "you'll be staying with me and my family as well as your baby."
"What?" Severus repeated dumbly. It was all he could do as his brain froze in shock.
The girl's face flushed in blotchy red and her eyes glistened.
"Severus, I'm so sorry for what happened to you." A tear fell, rolling down her cheek. "I'm sorry I was not there for you when you needed help. But I won't let you go further down to that monster's trap. I won't let you walk into a dark path, not this time." Lily declared, her voice trembling with sob.
It took a brief moment before his brain could process what was been said and Severus chuckled faintly in bewilderment.
"Lily, what are you talking about?" Severus asked.
"He did something to you, didn't he? He must have given you a potion or cast a curse on you", Lily ranted.
"Otherwise, why would you be here?! With Black of all people! How can you spend a second with that wretched boy? How can you stand to look at the man?!" Lily bellowed, leaping to her feet in fury.
Severus stared at the girl with the most bewildered face. In the back of his mind, he was worried that Caelum might be startled by her voice, but he was immobilized in his seat.
Lily waited for Severus to say something, but when it was clear the boy was speechless the girl breathed out a sigh mixed with sob.
"Severus, please, get out from this hell and come with me."
Lily stepped closer to the still form. She lifted her hand and brushed a stray strand of hair from Severus' eyes. The bottomless black eyes stared at her with unfathomable emotion. The redhead frowned, saddened that she no longer recognized his feeling. But it was not late. They were not late.
She caressed softly down his cheek, lowering her head and their lips met.
As if broken free from a curse, Severus pulled away his face from her lips, jumping to his feet. The Slytherin could see the palpable shock in the pretty face of Gryffindor. She was not to be blamed; it was shocking as hell even to him.
He covered his mouth and took a step back, distancing himself from the bewildered girl.
"I'm sorry-," he breathed out.
…..
Severus was astonished when he saw Lily Evans at the stone entrance. It was late in the Friday evening and he was patting on Caelum's back to make him burp. The shock at seeing the Gryffindor girl where supposed to be a secret place was profound. However, it was incomparable to the one upon Lily's face.
Frankly, there were moments in the past when he imagined himself confiding in the redhead with the secrecy. He often pictured a scene where he tells everything happened to him and the girl would listen and comfort him. In his imagination, Lily was perfectly understanding and supportive, trying to help him in every possible way.
Yet, when he told her the truth, the reaction Lily Evans gave was rather different. It was quite unlike her to shout when there was a child next door resting. The girl he knew wouldn't use the word 'rape' in front of an actual rape victim. Such callus words lacking sensitivity were below her. To call Sirius Black a monster. Though what he did was terribly wrong, the girl he knew would have at least tried to understand his benign intentions.
And most of all, the girl he knew wouldn't act like a helpless child before she comprehends the whole situation.
The look on her face was so alien to him.
And the kiss.
The kiss was like a blow to him, realization striking him like a lightning bolt. Severus would have chuckled if he could. 'The girl he knew'? Did he really know her? Or was it that Severus made up a fantasy over the girl?
There was a small river in Spinner's End. Over the river, there was a little town where people living in colorful houses. There, people would laugh and smile at little things, always happy and content. It was like a different world for people living in Spinner's End. True enough, Spinner's End was dark and gray, and dangerous. Grim and dirt were all over the town and people never smile. Sporadic screams and horrific wails were the background noise in Spinner's End.
The small river separates the two towns, and no one ever crosses it from Spinner's End.
It was only natural for Severus Snape to feel like Lily Evans was from a completely different world from his. In his dark, cold, gray world, a girl so brilliant and colorful, such as Lily Evans was like a different creature: a goddess, perhaps. She was noble and beautiful, unlike Severus Snape who was ugly and low.
In truth, the only difference between them was that she has been loved and he was not.
But Severus Snape knew nothing about love. Abstract knowledge of love twisted up the truth and made him think, perhaps in unconscious mind, that Lily Evans was just a different being entirely. In his mind, Lily was a holy person who would forgive and never forsake. She was the one can understand his darkness and pain and embrace him with all his sins.
Such empty belief created a person who did not exist in his heart and Severus Snape clung to her.
In truth, Lily Evans was only a girl. A perfectly ordinary girl who was pretty and sweet, yet she cries when hurt, rages when angered.
He loved a fantasy he created in his mind, like a child making up an invisible friend when lonely.
Perhaps that was why he was so devastated when Lily called him 'Snivelly'. Because he thought she would never forsake him whatever he does.
Perhaps that was why he was being so shocked when Lily couldn't understand his choices.
The girl he thought he knew would have embraced all of him yet, a girl he was facing could fail to understand.
After all, it was exceptionally extraordinary thing to have a child. You would never know until you have one.
Severus could see it now why they had to fall apart. They were never meant to be together. A love should base on equal ground but what they had was never been equal. It was always Severus who craved more and was desperate to reach her. And she was always on top. Severus always had to look up on her, hoping to reach where she stood. That was what made it impossible for them to be together because he placed her where he could not reach.
Upon realizing this, Severus felt the aching part of his heart where he missed the redhead sorely disappear.
He needn't miss an illusion for it was only in vain.
On the other hand, Sirius Black was very real from the first. Though he tried to put Severus down at first, he came to realize his own failure and placed himself besides Severus. There was no single moment in their relationship when they would idolize each other. Neither of them worshipped one another. They are simply the same: imperfect and immature yet striving.
He always felt anxious when he was with the girl, scared that he might not be able to reach to her level. He would always petrify when she was staring at someone else, afraid that he might lose her someday. Severus was never happy when he was with her.
But he was when he was with Sirius.
He would make him relax, smile. A comfort he feels when Sirius was near was something he never felt with Lily. He felt like as though he finally found his place when he was with Sirius.
The ordinary Lily Evans wouldn't understand it but there was something sublime force in the world that makes impossible possible. He grew to love Sirius Black, despite all his sins.
Severus spoke in firm voice, "I am sorry, Lily. But I cannot follow you."
Lily's face fell miserably.
"The first time we met, I was alone. I was always alone whenever you see me. But, Lily, things have changed", Severus stated. "There are people now I care about. My son Caelum", Severus swung his arm to the closed door, "and Sirius Black."
Lily stiffened at the name. She opened her mouth to speak but Severus held up his hand to stop her.
"I forgive him for what he did, Lily. And there is no potion or spell forcing my choices,
My choices are my own and I chose Sirius Black." Severus said solemnly.
The time seemed suddenly stopped as heavy silence fell upon them. Severus waited for the redhead to accept his choice. But Lily was quiet for a long time before a drop of tear rolled down her cheek. Severus held back sighs, feeling sorry for the girl. Tears started to fall more rapidly until the girl was practically sobbing without making sounds.
"Lily-," Severus tried to wipe away her tears but Lily stepped back.
Her head was lowered so he cannot see he face. "Lil?"
Upon calling her nickname, Lily jerked and dashed away from the room.
…
Severus Snape waited for Sirius to come back yet the night grew darker without his return. The Slytherin felt anxious for the boy as he waited patiently in his bed. The confrontation with Lily Evans gave him a huge realization towards the depth of his feeling for the boy. He wanted to let Sirius know of it.
Severus pressed his palm on his chest where his heart beats loudly at the thought of Sirius.
Of all the miseries the world had bestowed him, this particular one came with unexpected happiness. The night when Sirius forced him was dreadful and horrible, indeed. But he cannot deny that that night had resolved his resentment to the world and to his life. Those heartaches and loathing dissolved and faded away and the warmth quickly filled the vacant.
He now no longer tumbles and falls, waiting for someone to lift him up. Severus learned how to stand on his own feet and walk. And to wonder since when he learned such simple thing, the answer came the moment he found out about Caelum.
And so, his forgiveness for Sirius Black, who had been awful to him, came rather easily. Lily didn't understand how he could forgive the boy who 'raped' him but that's because she knew not of the joy of having a child.
Of the fulfillment of standing on his own and reaching for more happiness.
He wanted to tell Sirius of this revelation he had. He wanted to thank him for it.
But Sirius was getting late. Severus watched the stoned entrance with worried look. As he began to ponder on whether he should go looking for him, Sirius slowly emerged from the entrance. He walked into the room with an air of heaviness and hesitation.
Severus frowned.
"Sirius."
The Gryffindor boy did not meet his eyes and was staring at the floor, his features rigid. Severus worried there might be something wrong. He leapt to his feet and approached the still form of Sirius Black who jerked slightly when Severus touched him on his arm.
"What's wrong?" Severus asked in soft voice.
Clenching his fists, Sirius slowly looked up. A pained look darkened his handsome feature.
"I understand", Sirius muttered.
"What?" Severus tilted his head in confusion.
Sirius took a deep breath before adding, "I understand whatever choices you make and… I respect it."
"I'm sorry?" Severus's frown deepened as his brain failed to register his meanings.
"I said I respect your choices, Severus, whatever they may be", Sirius gritted out as if every word hurt him.
Severus now was dumbfounded than ever. He didn't understand a word Sirius was saying nor the meaning of his talk.
But the Gryffindor boy missed his bewildered look as he avoided Severus' dark eyes and fixed his gaze upon anywhere else.
Severus waited if he would explain what was going on, but no more came.
"What are you talking about, Sirius-," impatient, Severus opened his mouth to ask.
"-I saw you with Lily Evans. I heard you two talking. And she-," Sirius stopped his rant as if to swallow a curse. It took every patience Sirius had to calm himself. His jaw clenched and unclenched before he opened his mouth to continue. "Evans' right, I am a monster and you have a right to choose. If your choice is her, then I-…" Sirius couldn't finish.
Finally comprehending his words, Severus clutched Sirius' arms. "No, that's not what you think. I don't-,"
"You don't have to explain. I get it. I hurt you and she-," Sirius paused, as though something caught in his throat.
The usually cold grey eyes not filled with turmoil of intense emotions. Severus tried to soothe his arms, reassuringly.
"You are mistaken, Sirius Black. Whatever crosses your mind, you are wrong about it." Severus spoke with an air of urgency.
Sirius said nothing. For a moment, Severus thought the Gryffindor finally starting to grip his senses and listen to him.
"You don't have to do this for Caelum, Severus." Sirius spoke in a hoarse voice. Then, he wrenched himself away from Severus and left the room with decisive steps.
Gaping, Severus stared at the boy leaving the room. He saw tears in the grey eyes. His heart gave a sharp warning. Sirius was meaning it. No. No, he can't let him. Severus took out his wand and waved it.
After all he went through, he won't lose it.
And a blazing white light was produced from the tip of his wand. It charged at the Gryffindor boy, shaping a form in four-legged and large animal. The Patronus struck Sirius Black and quickly blocked his way. It was a dog.
Sirius gasped at the most majestic creature he had ever seen. Radiating a breathtaking light, the patronus stood before him like a knight, doing its lord's bidding. Loyal and graceful. He needn't to be told to figure out what this patronus is or whom it belonged.
Sirius slowly turned around.
Severus was glaring at him in front of the stoned entrance, holding out a wand. Severus. He wanted to call him, but he wasn't sure he voiced it.
The Slytherin boy took a deliberate step and spoke, "If you are going to eavesdrop, listen till the end of the conversation."
Sirius winced involuntarily.
"I didn't choose Lily. Nor will I ever be going to."
The Slytherin slowly closed their distance, carefully taking his steps.
"What?" Sirius asked dumbly.
"I will not go with Lily, Sirius," Severus repeated firmly, "because I choose you."
"You're lying", Sirius croaked.
Severus silently walked up to him until they were so close that they could feel each other's breath ghosting over them. Severus raised his hand and Sirius winced. The cold, white fingers touched Sirius' cheek and covered it, making Sirius realize this isn't a dream.
"You, Sirius Black, have always tormented me. From the first time we met on that train, you insulted me and humiliated me. You've always loathed me for what I am and chose to despise me. In the end, you forced yourself upon me against my will." Severus listed all of his sins as though he was listing potion ingredients for making draught of living death. But every word penetrated into Sirius' heart and wrung it cruelly.
As his beautiful face contorted in agonized look, Severus gripped his chin and kissed him.
Sirius, for a long second, could not register what was happening before the soft kiss broke.
"But you gave me the most wonderful gift I could never imagine. So, I forgive you, Sirius Black. I forgive you for what you did to me and I thank you for what you have done for me. I will never choose Lily Evans over you because I've got you."
Sirius attacked his lips, unable to suppress the swelling happiness in his heart. He gripped Severus' waist, pulling him closer as his other hand took the boy's head and fixed it there. Severus, in shock, opened his mouth. The Gryffindor greedily took the opportunity and slide his tongue inside, feeling every inch of the smaller boy.
If their first, a peck of kiss, felt like a warm breeze of summer days, this was much better. It was a promise of more to come.
Sirius slide his hand from Severus' head and caught the boy's chin in between his fingers and placed another wet kiss.
"Are you sure?" Sirius asked before Severus' tongue rushed in and out. "I'm not going to set you free once I got my claws on you", said Sirius breathlessly pulling himself away slightly.
Severus lunged himself up, meeting Sirius' lips. "Never let me go".
And he felt his lips again and Severus knew he made the right choice. He would never feel this way with Lily. This contentment. Perhaps he might have waited for this all his life. This, warm feeling washes over them like a blessing.
Love.
This was what they've been craving for and they found it from each other.