Dinner was...bland. It was the first real taste of food Elissa had had in months, and it was the most unappetizing meal she'd ever seen. She could barely stomach anything, water included, and it was for that very reason she retreated to her room with the food. Bread, potatoes, cheese. There was flavor here, and she just...didn't want it.
Elissa hadn't been the only one to either skip or take their dinner to their room—both Alistair and Leliana had done something similar, with the former making a short appearance and the latter not making one at all. Alistair hadn't been very talkative after their return, leading Elissa to believe whatever encounter they'd had with his sister had been sour. She hadn't even seen Leliana when they returned; she had understandably wanted time to herself, but Elissa wanted to know what happened.
She could ask Aedan. Just go find him after dinner, and casually ask if they found Marjolaine. Maybe ask if they found Alistair's sister, too, just to make it look less suspicious. Ask for some details about the goings-on in the Alienage. There'd been slavers from Tevinter taking advantage of a sad situation that they'd sorted out earlier in the day. Yes, she could ask about all those things. That way her curiosity and worry could be satiated until Leliana was ready to talk.
Or she could act like a normal human being. She could just go ask Leliana herself instead of going behind her back. It would probably be nicer than Leliana finding out Elissa was snooping. Her skipping dinner would be the perfect excuse for bothering her.
Elissa had to sit and debate for a minute. Would it be ruder to ask Aedan, or would it be ruder to pester Leliana?
She drummed her fingers on the arm of her chair, chewing her lip, before making up her mind. She wanted to be better. If not for herself, for Leliana, and not sneaking around behind her back would be a good first step. She might even make a habit of it.
Decision made, Elissa hopped to her feet. She folded her blanket as best as she could, organized the messy pile of clothing and armor beside her door, and tried to make herself somewhat presentable. Pants tucked neatly into her boots, shirt laced back up, hair quickly brushed and braided. She gave her room a once-over as she headed for the door. It still looked like a wreck, but she couldn't place her finger on why.
Every room Elissa had seen Leliana in was so tidy, and hers was always unorganized. Did that bother her? What if Leliana thought she was a slob?
Elissa scoffed. Of course she was a slob. She'd never had to clean up after herself. She barely knew how to make her own bed, and even that was clearly a half-assed attempt. Everyone else took time to organize their belongings whereas Elissa was satisfied as long as she could find everything before leaving. There was no way Leliana didn't think of her as a mess.
Oh well. Maybe that was part of her charm? Elissa hoped so.
Satisfied this was as good as she'd manage, Elissa headed out her door and jogged down the corridor. This was perhaps the silliest thing she was ever going to do, but Leliana deserved it. She deserved the whole world. If Elissa could've given it to her, she would have.
Down a staircase, across the main hall, and down another set of stairs until she found the kitchens. They were smaller than the ones at Highever and Redcliffe, but then, this was only a small estate, meant for housing a family and a few guards, not those same people on top of however many of them there were. How many people had Aedan recruited now? There was the three of them—her, Aedan, and Alistair. Then there was Morrigan, Leliana, Sten, Zevran, Wynne, and Oghren. Bodahn and Sandal had long gone their own way simply from lack of business, but it was understandable, so there were nine of them in total. That was over twice the capacity the kitchen was prepared for, so the chaos Elissa walked into was both understandable and unsurprising.
She edged her way past scrambling elves, muttering to themselves while the cook was barking orders. Her goal was the preparation table, where quite a few plates still sat untouched. No one seemed to be paying her much attention, so she grabbed one of the plates, took the only pitcher of something that wasn't water, and headed back the way she came.
Elissa didn't doubt that cook would've lost his mind if he'd seen her. They were just so busy preparing meals for Eamon's knights that they didn't care who came and went.
Getting back into her room with two full hands was a bigger challenge than it had any right to be, but once she had everything where it belonged, Elissa went back out into the hallway. Just a few more steps, past Morrigan's room, to Leliana's. She inhaled deeply, fidgeted with her shirt a bit, before lifting a hand to knock, but something stopped her.
Only a few hours ago she was conflicted about whether or not to put an end to this and whatever they had. She was a mess, literally and figuratively, and Leliana didn't deserve to go through it with Elissa. Whatever her problems were, she needed to work through them on her own.
But then, she'd had that vision. Where she died. And Leliana would be hurting now, no matter what the outcome of their confrontation was, so what would it matter? If Elissa was going to die, why couldn't she enjoy what little life had given her?
Because it was cruel. If she really was destined to die fighting the Archdemon, leading Leliana on like this would be the worst thing she'd ever done.
Simple solution: don't die. Unfortunately that would then recreate the problem Elissa was already struggling with.
She sighed and shook her head. Why couldn't anything ever be easy?
She knocked once. Several seconds passed before the lock clicked and the door swung open.
"Again, I am unsurprised to see you," Leliana said.
Elissa felt her cheeks redden, and unlike Leliana, Elissa was surprised to see that little grin. It was like Leliana counted every time she made her blush. She would've had to be able to count pretty high—Elissa was easily flustered. "Well, I mean...I'm a pretty simple person. Where else do I go?"
Leliana leaned against the doorframe, one hand planted on her hip, and said, "So? What do you want?"
Elissa blinked, confused, and then gathered her thoughts. "You skipped dinner."
"Um, yes," Leliana said, frowning. "I wasn't hungry."
"I was wondering if you wanted to..."
"To...?"
She laughed awkwardly. How was this the good idea?
"I got you dinner," Elissa explained. "In my room. In case you changed your mind."
The blank expression Leliana presented a moment ago was replaced with a small smile. It made Elissa's heart race. Yes, this was definitely the good idea.
Leliana straightened and Elissa moved aside so she could step outside. She was more than content to follow the bard back to her room, relieved that Leliana had even appeared remotely interested in conversation. She didn't shut down like Elissa did when she was upset or stressed, and as weird as it was, it was a welcome change.
She immediately plopped down in a chair at Elissa's small table. It was oddly ungraceful. Not that Elissa minded or cared, it was just odd.
"Is there something you wanted to talk about?" Leliana asked.
Elissa slid into the seat across from her. "I can't want to do something nice for you?"
Leliana raised a quizzical brow. "You can, but you look like you have something to say."
"You got me," Elissa admitted. She paused for a moment, hand quickly locking onto her fork so she had something to fidget with. She didn't exactly know how to say what she wanted to, so she decided to just do it. "I was wondering what happened today."
"With Marjolaine?"
Elissa nodded.
Leliana sighed, shrugged a single shoulder. "I...made sure she wouldn't ever bother me again."
"So she's dead?"
One, slow, pained nod. Leliana swallowed, eyes firmly planted on a knot in the table's scrubbed surface.
"I'm sorry."
She nodded again, but didn't say anything. What was there to say? That she missed her? That she regretted it? If Elissa was in her place, she would've been glad to be rid of Marjolaine, but then, she wasn't, and she didn't always think the same way Leliana did.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm just thinking."
"What about?"
Leliana sat forward, eyes suddenly alert and alight. "I can't get it out of my head. I'd been in Lothering for years and she still thought I was plotting against her. She didn't trust me. Maybe she never did. She loved me when she could use me and control me, and now that she can't, she wants me dead. It...it hurts to realize that I never really knew her."
"Maybe you just didn't want to admit it to yourself."
"I knew she was ruthless, but I didn't know how far she could go. She is self-serving, cruel... She uses people, then discards them, but that's how she survives in the life she leads. She—"
Leliana cut herself off, suddenly unable to look Elissa in the eye. Maybe it would be overstepping, but Elissa reached across the table to push their plates aside and squeeze her hand. "What is it?"
"She told me we are just alike," Leliana said. "W-what if she was right? What if we're the same?" Elissa couldn't think of anything to say, but she didn't have to. Leliana kept going. "I...perhaps it would've been wiser to stay in the Chantry."
"She would've just attacked you there."
"Maybe, but that is not the point. I was a different person there. I forgot my life as a bard while I was in the cloister. I felt safe. I didn't have to watch my back all the time. That's what made Marjolaine the person she is, don't you see? It ruined her; it will ruin me too."
"You're better than that, though."
"No, it already happened. When we killed her...I-I enjoyed it. Seeing her dead gave me satisfaction."
"She deserved it," Elissa said, frowning.
"So? It is still no reason to rejoice over her death. That is what she would do. I don't want that. What we're doing...what we've done—hunted men down, killed them—part of me loves it. It invigorates me and this scares me. I...I feel myself slipping."
"You're not. It's just who you are."
"I admit I took great pleasure in the intrigue back in Orlais. It was dangerous and chaotic... it was exciting, but it destroyed my life. I thought the Chantry showed me another path. I thought I was done with this life. Am I wrong?"
"I thought you said you didn't fit in there."
"There is this thought that floats in my mind constantly—that I lie when I say the Chantry gave me peace, when in truth it...it bored me. Here, with you...the freedom of the road and the uncertainty of tomorrow... I feel alive again."
Elissa frowned. "Then why run from it?"
Leliana looked away again, pulled her hand back into her lap. "I do not want to be Marjolaine."
"You're not."
She had this far off look in her eye, like she was thinking harder than Elissa had ever done in her life. "Maybe you're right. I don't want to admit it, even to myself, but all those years in Lothering, I yearned for the freedom and recklessness I knew in Orlais. The Maker made this world beautiful, but He also made it dangerous. To really experience it, I have to embrace this—not hide away in some nunnery."
"You were never meant for the cloister. Sometimes I look at you and I forget that's where we found you."
Leliana laughed, sounding sad. "Sometimes it takes another to show us the truths we hide from ourselves."
"I'm glad I could help."
Leliana gave her a surprisingly easy smile. "And I'm glad I left Lothering with you and your brother. I...I thank the Maker for you everyday. You're a true friend."
Elissa arched a brow. "Friend?"
"Well, what else would I call you?"
Elissa shrugged. "Dunno. You're better at this than I am."
Her smile broadened into something devilish. It made Elissa's heart skip a beat, and she was suddenly very, very busy digging into her cold food.
Several long minutes passed in a comfortable quiet. Elissa was the only one eating, but Leliana appeared more relaxed now, so that was a plus. The anxiety leading up to this little...whatever it was made her hungry and eating was something of an escape. She briefly wondered if Leliana ever felt anything like...what she felt.
The anxiety, the jealousy, all the weirdness in between. Leliana just seemed so...mature, and Elissa felt lame in comparison.
"I'm glad you're okay," Elissa said.
"I will be," Leliana agreed, "but enough about me. What were you up to while we were gone?"
She froze in the middle of chewing. The dream flashed through her eyes again—all the smoke, the fire, the darkspawn, the dragon. Her body ached everywhere, and only when she blinked did it go away.
Elissa finished chewing and swallowed. "Nothing interesting." She knew that look in Leliana's eye, though, and she knew Leliana knew she was lying. "Sam and I watched the clouds."
"You. Watched...the clouds?"
"I used to do that a lot in Highever," Elissa said. "There were only so many books to read and so many knights to best. Eventually I exhausted all of those things."
Leliana laughed and shook her head. "You never cease to surprise me."
Elissa laughed too, hoping she'd successfully turned Leliana's mind elsewhere. They had promised not to keep secrets from one another. They had agreed their secrets were far too dangerous to keep and that they needed to be shared immediately, especially if they could hurt someone else.
As far as Elissa knew, Leliana had been honest ever since. She had even tried to be herself, but oh, this...this was something else. This was the most selfish secret she could've kept, the most disgusting thing Elissa could've ever hid from Leliana, and she didn't see herself revealing it any time soon.
Eventually, Elissa finished her meal and Leliana had finished picking at her own, so they moved to the bed. There Leliana spoke of her usual—various things she had seen in Orlais, things she'd been part of or orchestrated, and when she spoke, she seemed so...content. Before, Leliana had never hesitated to tell Elissa a story or talk about anything under the sun, but this was different. Elissa couldn't put a finger on it, but seeing her like this made her happy.
They could stay like this forever and Elissa would never want to change it.