A/N: Hi Everybody. So, I don't even know where to start. It's been long since I've posted, and that's because there was happening a lot in my private life. I'm not quite ready to talk about it but I can tell you that it had a huge impact on my life, as well as that of my husband and kids. Writing just wasn't my priority because I needed to focus on real life.
I'm back at writing for about a week now. I'm not back at my normal rate, but at this point I'm honestly happy to hide in the world of Ana and Christian for even ten minutes if I'm able to. Writing has always been fun for me, and because there was so much going on in the past months, I just couldn't write.
Now, let me one thing clear: I love this Christian and Ana. I actually think I love them the most of all the versions I've written. I'm completely smitten with their intense love story and the chaos of it, and as I've said before: I will always come back to them.
Right now I just need to put myself and my family first, which means the updates will be slow. A lot of you have sent me PM's and messages, and I thank every single one of you for them. I've just spent the last hour reading them, and I can't tell you how much they mean to me. Thank you for reaching out and thank you for waiting.
Without further ado, here is chapter fifty. I hope it was worth the wait.
Stay safe and well, especially in these insane, crazy times. You guys rock! Love Milou.
#StayHomeStaySafe #FlattenTheCurve
Fifty: All the consequences.
My eyes focus on the trees that flash by at high speed in order not to see his lifeless, pale body laying on the aluminum table. Where just moments ago I thought I was fine and that seeing Colton was easy, I'm now starting to understand that it's the complete opposite.
My brothers are silent. They haven't spoken since we drove away from the morgue. Taylor's eyes are fixated on the road ahead while he drives us to his house, Luke sitting next to him while he is staring at his phone. I know without a doubt that they have no idea what to say to me.
I don't blame them at all. I wouldn't know what to say to myself either.
I'm confused. Confused and scared. While this morning I thought that seeing Colton's body would be the hardest thing to do, I now slowly begin to realize that this is just the beginning. Seeing Colton was just the tip of the iceberg, and the thought alone is almost enough to send me straight into a panic attack.
Because we still don't know the reason he died.
What if he died because I hit him on his head with that bottle? What if he died because Luke didn't keep his hands to himself?
I try not to think about it because the rational part of me understands that the chances are very small. Colton was fine the days after it happened which makes it hard to believe that things are connected. But the more time passes, the stronger the fear gets.
What if I killed him?
What if that blow caused the bleed that eventually killed him? What if the police want to know what went down that night? Before, during, and after my fight with Colton?
"How are you holding up, Rabbit?" Luke pulls me out of my thoughts, successfully stopping me from going back to that night. Stopping me from going back to that call I made because I needed help.
"I don't know. I'm scared and confused," I answer truthfully, unable to hide my feelings.
Luke's eyes scan my face, his head slowly nodding understandingly. "Of course, you are, but Tay and I will help you, Ana. You know that, right? We'll never leave you and we'll always have your back. We'll fix this."
Taylor nods his head, his eyes briefly meeting mine in the rear mirror before they move to the road again. "We will. What you did was self-defense, so if that's the reason he died, you can tell the police exactly that. They've spoken to you that night, so they already know what happened. You didn't lie."
Guilt washes over me as I hear my two brothers stand up for me. Determination is clearly audible in both their voices and expressions, and I know that they will move heaven and earth to make sure I get out of this okay.
But I did lie. And I can't help but wonder if they'll still be this determined if they know the whole story.
Tears form my eyes as I nod my head and focus back on the trees outside. We're just seconds away from Taylor's house and I'm trying my hardest to keep everything in until I'm alone in my room. I can't break in front of them.
I feel Luke's eyes on me, making it even harder to hold back the emotions. I know he sees my struggle, and when the car stops and Taylor also turns around to look at me, I feel the control slip away.
I bury my face in my hands, shielding myself for the gazes of my brothers and cry uncontrollably. I can't hold it in anymore. All the pain, fear, and anger, it leaves my body in heavy sobs until my breathing is uncontrolled and my eyes are burning.
Without looking up from my hands, I feel the bench dip beside me, and a second later I feel a pair of arms around me, pulling me against a warm body. It's Luke. I can tell by the way he smells.
I bury my face in his chest and force myself to focus on his hands that move up and down my back slowly in order to get control over my breathing back.
"There you go, in and out. In and out," Luke mumbles in my hair, encouraging me.
He pulls me a little bit more to him to make room for Taylor, who has slipped onto the backseat on my other side. His hand finds my hair, where his fingers gently start to massage my scalp.
We sit like that for minutes, the three of us, huddled on the backseat of Taylor's car. When I've finally calmed down a little, I move my head from Luke's chest and sit up again, in between my brothers, who both grab my hand.
"You have to be strong, Rabbit. I know it's hard but-"
"I lied." I freeze when the words leave my mouth, my hands squeezing theirs in fear of their reaction.
Silence fills the car for a brief moment, their confusion obvious even though they don't say a word. I close my eyes and wait for one of them to speak, for one of them to challenge me in telling them the truth.
"What do you mean?" Taylor demands after a few seconds. When I open my eyes, I see he is already looking at me. One look at his face tells me that he knows what I'm about to tell him is bad news.
"I lied to you," I repeat, my eyes focussed on the front window, not daring to look at either of them. "That night when Colton and I had a fight."
Luke's hand grasps mine harder when the words have left my mouth. "Fuck, Rabbit, what did you do?"
I can tell that he is fearing for something completely different than I'm about to tell them. He, without a doubt, thinks that I've lied to them about what I did to Colton that night.
"Nothing you're thinking about," I reassure him, just for now. "I'm talking about what happened after I left the house."
"For God's sake, Anastasia, stop talking in fucking riddles and just get on with it," Taylor snaps, obviously done with my postponing behavior.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a brief moment, pulling together all the courage and mostly, preparing for the massive blow that I will receive once they've heard what I've got to say.
"After I got out of that house, I ran until I was sure that Colton didn't follow me. I ended up in an alley, about twenty minutes from home. I was cold, bleeding, panicked and I had no idea what to do. I know I should've called one of you, but I didn't. I called someone else."
I stay silent for a moment. I'm not sure how to continue my story now since it actually starts way before I had my fight with Colton. I literally don't know where to begin to make sure they completely understand.
"Who did you call, Ana?" Taylor is losing his patience. He has yanked his hand out of mine and has turned his body completely towards me, his eyes almost pulling the words out of me.
"Christian. He is the guy that I invited over that weekend." My voice is soft and a little hesitant. It feels weird to say his name to my brothers. I know I have to tell them everything, but it also feels as if I'm getting Christian into trouble.
I hate it that I couldn't talk to him before all this, just to give him a heads up.
"Jesus, Rabbit." Taylor moves his hand over his face. I can see the wheels in his head turning, no doubt thinking about how we can twist this story in a way that will clear my name.
Luke is surprisingly quiet, and when I look at him I see that he doesn't look surprised. His thumb is moving over my hand, almost in a reassuring way as if to say; I've got your back.
"Okay," Taylor suddenly says, his expression determined. "We can just say he is a friend. If there is any reason you need to elaborate on where you where that night, you'll just tell them he is a friend that was close by."
I close my eyes again, wishing it was just that simple. Luke seems to agree with Taylor because he is nodding his head while he squeezes my hand once more. "Taylor's right," he nods. "They don't have to know anything about the nature of your relationship with him. Besides, this whole thing might not even be important. We don't know if Colton died because of that hit."
"It's not that simple," I mumble while pulling my hand out of Luke's as well before I fold my arms in front of me. "If the police want to know where I was, I can't tell them about Christian. They can't know I was with him because I never should have called him."
"Fuck, Ana. Enough with the riddles," Luke barks out of nowhere, making me shiver. "Why can't they know?"
"Because Christian is one of my students." Tears well in my eyes as I confess my biggest secret. I can't turn back now. They know. And I can only close my eyes and pray that they'll still have my back just like they promised moments ago.
Both of them are frozen and quiet. I don't have to look at them to know that. The only thing I hear is their breathing. To my right, Taylor's breathing is shallow, telling me that he is using every will power in him to think before saying something he'll regret.
To my left, Luke's breathing is fast and hard. I can also feel his whole body is tensed. He is holding himself back, but from what I'm not sure. I do know it's nothing good though.
"How old is he?" Taylor demands after what feels like hours. It's the most rational question that he could've asked, and it's completely Taylor.
"Eighteen."
"Was he eighteen when it started?" Taylor asks again, no emotion clear in his voice.
"Yes."
He nods once before he abruptly opens the door and gets out of the car. I don't have time to call after him, because the moment I turn my head towards him properly, the door is slammed shut in my face. He walks towards the front door of his house without looking back once, and I can honestly say that I've never seen him this angry.
"A student, Rabbit? What the fuck were you thinking?"
To my surprise, Luke's voice is dangerously calm. It doesn't fit his demeanor at all. He is ragging with anger as well, but he manages to sound the complete opposite. For now.
"I don't know," I sob, tears falling down my cheeks again. "I honestly don't know how it all happened. I tried to fight it, I really did. But he is just..." I wave my hand, not sure what word would describe Christian the best. He did so much for me in the short amount of time that I've been seeing him, everything that I want to say just doesn't cover it.
"Who else knows?"
I turn my head towards Luke. His eyes are dark and intimidating, and I can tell that he, just like Taylor, is trying to get an insight into potential problems.
"Hannah," I mumble. I hate that I have to name her because I don't want her to get in trouble with Luke. "And a colleague of mine, Kate. She's my friend."
"That's it?"
I shake my head, preparing for yet another scold from my brother. "No. Two other students know as well. They are friends of Christian."
"Jesus fucking Christ," Luke growls. "How can you be so fucking stupid, Ana?"
His expression oozes disbelieve, his hands pulling his hair out of frustration. His question matches his appearance at this moment perfectly, and I know that I will never be able to explain to them how it all happened.
They don't know how I felt when I met Christian. They have no idea what my life with Colton looked like. They will never understand, so right now, I don't even bother answering his question.
"You made this shit a lot more complicated now," he says when he sees that I'm not going to give a response. He then opens the door and gets out of the car as well. He has the decency to throw the door shut softer than Taylor did moments ago, but judging by the way he walks towards the front door I can tell that he is just as mad, if not, even madder.
When he has disappeared behind the front door, I finally let out the breath that I was holding. My head drums on the beat of my heart, my eyes burn and my chest feels heavy, but as fucked up as it is that Taylor and Luke, and probably Gail as well once she knows, are fucking mad, I'm also relieved.
It was inevitable. If Christian and I want any future at all, they had to know. The timing sucks, and I hate that they feel betrayed, but at least now they can help me. If they want to, that is.
As I will myself to calm down and prepare for getting out of the car and facing my family, I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I take a few deep breaths to get control over my sobs while I pull out my phone.
It's an anonymous number, and for a split second, I feel hope rise. Maybe it's Christian.
"Hello?" I answer, my voice still trembling, but fortunately without sobbing.
"Yes, hello. Is this Anastasia Davies?" The man on the other end asks. He sounds formal, and it takes a moment for me to switch since I was hoping for someone else.
"Yes," I confirm, straightening my back without realizing it. "This is she."
"Very good. My name is Dr. Lombrasky. I performed the section on your husband this morning."
My breathing hitches as I realize that this is the call that can change everything. The first thing that comes to mind though, is that the outcome isn't as bad as it could be since the pathologist anatomist is calling himself. Surely, if it was bad news, the police would've stood in front of me right now.
"Are you still there, ma'am?" The low voice pulls me out of my thoughts.
I snap out of my thoughts and focus on the conversation. "Yes, I'm still here. Did you find anything?"
"We did," he answers. "But before I tell you more, I'd like to know if you were aware of the medical status of your husband?"
I frown and shake my head, even though I'm aware that the doctor can't see me. "Uhm, no? Is there something that I should know?"
"Well, during the section we've found a tumor the size of a golf ball on the left side of your husband's brain. The tumor exerted pressure the more it grew, and it eventually caused a bleed which caused his death."
I focus on the view in front of me while I try to register everything Lombrasky says to me. A tumor. Colton had a tumor in his head. And I didn't know. "Did he know?"
"That's why I asked you about his medical status. Your husband had numerous scans and examines in the past year regarding the tumor which was malicious. Six months ago it became clear that the tumor, given its location and the growth rate, couldn't be removed. Your husband was terminal, Mrs. Davies, and according to his medical file, he was definitely aware of that."
And just as you think it couldn't get any worse... I hate him so much. More. Fucking. Questions.
"So he died because the tumor was getting too big?" It's the one question that pops into my mind, and I'm aware that it's because I once again want to hear that the blow I gave him on his head had nothing to do with it.
"It did. There simply wasn't any room left. The situation or the place where he was found didn't have anything to do with it. I didn't find anything else during the section, apart from the bruises and marks on his skin. Everything looked completely normal," Dr. Lombrasky kindly says. Of course, he also knows where my husband died, and I can just hear the pity in his voice.
"Well, that's good to know," I answer, not sure what else to say. "Thank you for calling me."
"Of course, Mrs. Davies. Your husband is now cleared, so you can arrange the next steps in laying him to rest. With your permission, I'd like to call your husband's parents to inform them."
"That's fine," I answer. In all honesty, I'm happy he will call them. I'm just not ready to talk to them yet, even though I'm going to have to speak to them soon. I hardly saw them during my relationship with Colton, so I can only imagine how awkward it will be.
"My condolences, Mrs. Davies."
"Thank you," I tell him once again before saying goodbye and hanging up the phone, somehow not feeling relieved at all even though it's now clear that Luke or I didn't have anything to do with it.
This phonecall only confirms what I already knew; I truly had no idea who I was married to.
After sitting in the car for another twenty minutes to straighten out my thoughts and give Taylor and Luke some time to hopefully cool down, I'd dragged myself to the house where I knew my brothers and my sisters in law were waiting for me.
Just like I expected, I spot them all in the living room, waiting for me to join them and talk about what I just confessed. Luke and Hannah are sitting in the corner of the couch. Hannah is curled up against his side, one leg in between Luke's. It's weird to see my brother this soft with her while I know the anger is raging inside. Hannah's hand is moving up and down his chest which tells me she is trying to keep him calm.
Taylor and Gail have taken their place on the chairs left to the couch. Taylor's elbows lean on his knees while he looks at the ground, his thumbs rubbing his temples in circles. Gail's arms are crossed, her eyes focused on the high heel that's hanging on her foot. She is dangling it in a nervous way, and I already know that the very act will piss me off if she keeps it up during the conversation.
The moment I step inside the living room as well, all the attention goes to me. By the looks that Taylor and Luke give me, I can conclude that the twenty-minute cooldown I gave them didn't help. They are still just as mad. Hannah's expression oozes sympathy, and I know that's because she already knew. She had time to think about it and her anger has winded down even though she still doesn't approve or understand.
And then there is Gail. She is looking at me with tear-filled eyes and for a moment it confuses me immensely. Is she crying because she is that mad? Is she sad that I didn't tell her? Did something else happen in the twenty minutes that I was still in the car?
As if she feels my confusion and wants to take the doubt away, she stands and walks over to me. The moment she is within reach, her arms move around my neck and pull me in a bone-crushing hug. On instinct and because I desperately need the affection right now, my arms wrap around her waist. My face lies on her shoulder and I can't stop the tears from falling once again.
"I'm so sorry, Rabbit," she whispers, taking me by surprise. In all the years I know Gail, she has never called me Rabbit. Not once.
I don't respond to her apology because I have no idea what she is apologizing for this time. Instead, I just close my eyes and enjoy her hug. Her hug that tells me that she's here, for me, like a sister.
After a few silent minutes, Gail pulls back. She grabs my hand and leads me to the chair she was in when I walked into the living room, silently ordering me to take a seat. When I do so, she takes her place on the floor next to me, her hand still in mine.
"The pathologist anatomist just called with the results of Colton's section," I start when all of them just look at me.
"And?" Taylor demands, his voice calm and collected, almost as if he has pushed all the anger and emotion aside in a split second to hear everything I have to say properly.
"Colton had a tumor in his head, on the left side of his brain. The tumor was growing rapidly, and the hospital informed him that they couldn't remove it because of the growing rate and location. The tumor didn't have any room left and caused the bleeding which led to his death. I wasn't aware of the fact that he knew. I don't think he told anyone."
A long, relieved sigh leaves Taylor's throat before he rubs his hands over his face. When his hands leave his face, I can see the anger again. "Fucking asshole."
I nod my head in agreement. "Yeah," is all I say.
"So you're cleared? And Luke is too?" Hannah asks, her hand still on Luke's chest, only now, Luke has moved his over hers.
I nod my head again. "We're both cleared. It wasn't because of what we did."
"Thank fuck," Luke breathes.
Silent fills the living room as we all go over the information again. Everybody is relieved and for a moment I hope that the conversation about what I just confessed will be postponed because of it.
But then Taylor speaks.
"That's one problem down."
For some reason, his comment doesn't sit well with me at all. I don't know if it's because of the way he says it, or because he is literally calling Christian a problem, but the tension rises.
"It's the only problem we had," I counter as my free hand grips the armrest of the chair. "Now that we're cleared, I don't have to tell the police where I was before I went to the hospital."
A humorless chuckle escapes Taylor's throat. "And you expect me to just sit back and give you the go now? Just because the police won't find out doesn't mean it's okay, Ana. It's one thing that you were having an affair but with him? He is your student for Christ's sake. What if he decides to spill this shit."
"He won't," I fire back without thinking.
"How do you know that?" He barks, his upper body turned towards me completely. "He can earn a shitload of money with this story, do you even realize that? What makes you think that he wouldn't go for it? You've known him for what? Two days?"
"You have no idea what you're talking about," I grit through my teeth, my hands now clasped into fists. Gail's hand is on my leg, stroking her thumb in an attempt to keep me calm.
"Really? Because I think I know enough. You've been fucking an eighteen-year-old kid while you were married. You don't think the papers will pay good money for that story?"
"I'm sure they will. But Christian won't sell it to them. He won't say anything to anyone. I trust him more than anyone else."
The words are out before I realize what they mean to the people in this room, and for a split second, I try to reason if my statement is driven by emotion. But almost immediately I come to the conclusion that it's the truth. The trust I have in Christian is unique, and I've never felt it before.
Around me, everybody has seemed to be zoned out. Taylor is looking at his hands that are folded together in his lap while Gail is picking her nail. Luke and Hannah are looking at their hands. They are still laying on Luke's chest and it seems that Hannah's hand is gripping Luke's skin with her nails.
"He loves me," I quietly say. I once again feel the huge need to defend Christian and show them that he is not the bad guy in this.
My eyes are on Taylor and Gail, who are looking at me in shock but in the corner of my eyes, I see Hannah whispering something to Luke that's causing his eyes to widen slightly. "And you?" He asks after a short moment, causing me to look at him.
"What about me?"
"Are you in love with him?" His expression is surprisingly neutral considering the subject and the anger he feels. "Do you love him?"
I shrug and stare at the ground. I'm not ready to comment on that right now. I haven't even told Christian I love him yet, so it feels wrong to just spill it to my family now. Besides, I feel like they wouldn't care anyway.
"Can we just drop it?" I sigh even though I know my brothers wouldn't agree to that right now.
"No, Rabbit. We won't just drop it," Taylor states with the 'are you kidding me?' expression that I expected. He then lets out a frustrated sigh. "Invite him over."
My eyes widen in both alarm and shock. "What?!"
On the ground, Gail is looking at her husband with wide eyes as well, and even without looking in their direction, I can sense that Luke and Hannah have similar reactions.
"I want to talk to him," Taylor states. He is acting as if its the most normal thing to do but I know better.
His eyes scream confident, heartless CEO, and I know that the talk that he has in mind is by no means a friendly one. He wants to show Christian his power and make sure he stays quiet with drastic measures if needed, even though it's completely unnecessary. For the first time in my life, I actually get a glimpse of Taylor in full, protective, emotionless CEO-mode. The mode that I, until now, only thought Luke possessed. It's completely unlike him and I hate it.
"No, you don't." I shake my head as I stand from the chair. "You want to scare him."
He rolls his eyes and stands from his chair as well. "No, I want to know what his intentions are."
"You're lying," I say immediately.
"Do you really think he loves you?" He counters, his eyes daring.
I nod my head and without hesitation I answer, "Yes."
"Then I'm sure he doesn't have a problem with meeting us," Taylor answers, a smug yet determined expression covering his face. "Call him."
Crossing my arms in front of me, I say, "I won't."
"You will," he barks back. "Believe it or not, Rabbit, I want what's best for you. And I want this whole situation to go by as smoothly as possible."
"I want that too. You act as if I don't want all that."
"I act like that because I'm not sure if you realize what a mess you've made, Anastasia," Taylor growls, his hands in his hair out of frustration, and I can only shut my mouth.
The anger that radiated from him in the car is back in full force, and despite the fact that I hate that he wants to talk to Christian, I know he is right. I made a huge mess and I can't handle it on my own. I need him and Luke.
"Call. Him." Taylor points his finger to me, ending the discussion before he walks out of the room, leaving us all in silence behind.
After a few seconds, Luke stands and while he makes his way out of the living room as well, he advises, "Just do as you're told Rabbit. It's time to grow the fuck up and face the consequences."