Stay
Chapter 39
A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
Here is Chapter 39, the one we've all been waiting for. Explicit sexual content and associated triggers, including brief mentions of perpetrators of previous sexual abuse. I apologize for how long it took for me to write and post this, but I wanted to get it right.
I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.
Alex tipped her head to the side, wanting to make sure her request was explicit. "Can we try again?" she asked softly, stepping closer to the woman she loved and squeezing her hip gently.
The detective smiled, offering a small nod. "Do you think Justice O'Connor will be okay out here for a little bit?"
"I think so." The blonde chuckled, turning to the sleeping feline on the couch as Liv quickly pecked the side of her head. "She's a strong, independent woman." Alex turned back to Olivia, and the older woman's eyes were brimming with tears.
"You sure about this, love?"
Cabot bit her lip, resting her forehead against the brunette's. "Yeah."
The realization was overwhelming. Choices had been such a problematic concept for Alex's entire life, and once she'd been given permission to make them, she didn't think she'd ever get the hang of it. There had to be a right and wrong answer, right? But in this moment, as the ADA let vulnerability and intimacy wash over her, as she surrendered to what she wanted, this decision was impossibly easy.
Liv had to remind herself to breathe as her eyes bore into the pools of blue that looked at her with such adoration and trust. If Alex could trust her with something as significant, as vulnerable, and as dangerous—which her previous experiences would suggest—as this, then certainly the detective could trust herself with it. Alex was safe in Olivia's hands, and as such, so was Olivia in Alex's. The brunette cradled the other woman's face in her hands and their foreheads met, silence coming over them for a few seconds as both absorbed the emotion of the moment. "I love you," Benson breathed, her voice shaking.
The attorney bit her lip at the sight of tears in her partner's eyes, waves of gratitude and love coursing through her body. "More than anything," the younger woman whispered, smoothing over Olivia's hair. "Can we go to our room?"
It still made the cop's heart skip a beat to hear Alex refer to it as their room, something that was equal part hers. She hummed, bringing her lips to the tip of the prosecutor's nose, making her giggle, content.
They hadn't even kissed yet, but still, as Liv led Alex towards their bed, the charge of electricity between them continued to grow. And though the blonde tended to question it when she felt this way, today there was no need for that. She hadn't ever felt desire like this, and the slight discomfort of it now only served to excite her further, giving ammunition to the butterflies in her stomach as they swirled around her body and brought attention to the live nerve endings on her skin—every touch lit her on fire.
She sighed as Olivia's fingers ghosted over the exposed skin right above her hip before playing delicately with the fabric, eyeing her for approval to take it off. Cabot nodded quickly, her own fingers landing over the hem of the brunette's T-shirt immediately after her own had been removed. Wordlessly, they continued to ask for and receive consent to rid each other of clothing until neither woman wore anything but underwear—Alex gently snapped the elastic waistband of the other woman's cotton briefs against her skin, and Olivia's fingertips danced over the satin panties the lawyer wore, two sets of hands coming to rest on two pairs of hips as they laughed easily together.
They stepped towards each other, words still not needed after months of learning to communicate nonverbally. Both women knew they would talk more before things were taken too much further, but for the time being, Olivia felt safe listening to Alex's eyes as they explicitly asked for more contact, more connection.
Finally, they kissed, and the older woman was nearly shocked by the hunger in her girlfriend's movements—the way her fingers gripped onto her face, the way she pressed their bodies together, the way their mouths moved against one another, passionate, yet tender. Alex pulled away after a few seconds, noticing stiffness in her love's form. "You okay?"
Olivia nodded. "Yeah, you're just…." She paused waiting for her mind to clear somewhat. "I'm just really happy, and you're—" She gave a short hum, Alex watching her curiously. "It's intense, but in a good way," she summarized.
The lawyer bobbed her head up and down. "As long as you're okay."
"I'm great." The detective cleared her throat, one of her hands migrating down the side of Alex's neck, over her shoulder, and around to her back. She smiled as the woman in her arms closed her eyes gently. "Are you good?" She waited a moment. "Al?" she asked when Cabot didn't respond. "You still feeling okay, baby?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm great. Intense, but in a good way," she repeated her love's earlier assessment. "Bed?" she offered, a sly smile returning to her features, her fingertips tickling the brunette's side.
With a quiet laugh, Liv nodded, sitting down on top of the comforter and beckoning her girlfriend closer. Quickly, Alex straddled her lap, eagerly reattaching her lips to Olivia's waiting ones, giving her rapid-fire kisses as she carefully pushed her fully onto the bed.
They kissed languidly for several minutes, hands wandering slowly over heated skin, both women simultaneously calming and burning with desire. Alex wanted so badly to rip off Liv's underwear and have her way with her, but she knew that what the brunette wanted was to take care of her, to love her in a way no one else had. And when she took the time to really search herself, Alex knew she wanted that too, as scary and as vulnerable as it sounded. Still, she had to consciously slow her frenzy as her body ached to frantically push against Olivia's, a low churning starting in her stomach as the pressure between her legs grew to be almost unbearable.
Benson could sense the other woman's hurry, and so she pulled back after a little while, brushing the blonde's messy hair away from her face and providing a soft hum of comfort. "It's okay to take this slow," she whispered, sliding out from under her partner. "I'm going to take care of you, but I don't want you to get too overwhelmed too fast."
The ADA nodded, scooting forward a few inches so that their bare torsos met. "I just really want you," she admitted with a slight blush.
"I know," Benson acknowledged with a gasp, the corners of her lips quirking upwards as she cradled the other woman's face in her hand. "I do too." Her hand migrated to Alex's side and slid down her waist, her fingernails eventually scratching at the younger of the two's hip.
"It's all just a lot," Cabot summarized.
Olivia buried her face into Alex's neck, letting her lips linger against an accelerated pulse. "I feel some tension in your body, love. Do you think you can take a few slow, deep breaths?" The older woman waited as she felt Alex breathe, her heart slowing just slightly. She could tell that the major cause of the rapid beat beneath her lips was scorching hot arousal, and she knew this by the instinctual movement of the attorney's hips against her own, but it was going to be safest if Alex could remain somewhat rational, knowing her physical and emotional needs would be met. "There you go."
The prosecutor realized she was basically humping Olivia's leg as her breathing slowed, and embarrassment washed over her. She wanted to be in control of her own actions. "I'm sorry." She knew the feelings rioting through her were normal, and she could see in Liv's darkening chocolate orbs that she felt similarly. Maybe the cop's experience allowed her to remain more calm in the face of such intense sensation and want, but regardless, she knew the response her apology would garner.
"Shhh," the brunette cooed, holding her closer. "I'm so proud of you, sweetie. You're okay. Do you want to stop?"
There was nothing the lawyer wanted less. "No."
"If you change your mind—"
Alex interrupted her, placing a hand on the older woman's cheek. "Baby, you need to take some deep breaths too," she said softly. "I am a little nervous, but it isn't going to go away. I'm okay with that. And you don't deserve to drive yourself crazy over it." Liv inhaled deeply, resting her fingers over Cabot's before intertwining them and bringing both hands to rest in between the two women. "My nervousness has to do with me—with what I feel, how I'm acting. Reacting rather than responding, you know?" Benson pecked her lips in response, reminding her that she wasn't alone in her feelings. "You calm those nerves, Olivia. You're home. You're safety," she insisted. "And I want this. But if I do change my mind—for whatever reason—I promise I won't let us keep going. Neither of us deserve that."
She paused for several seconds, waiting for her partner to nod with a gentle smile, squeezing her hand. "Are you going to be able to enjoy this? Because if not, then we're not ready, and that's okay."
Olivia bobbed her head up and down, tangling her fingers in the bird's nest that had formed in Alex's flaxen mane. "I can do that. We'll figure out the balance eventually," she promised the person she loved most in the entire world, referring to the balance between wanton lust and impossible care.
Both sufficiently assured that the other woman felt comfortable proceeding, it didn't take long for two sets of underwear to be removed and discarded onto the floor. Alex sighed as she molded her body to Olivia's, the brunette's hands taking intentional paths over her arms, sides, back, and hips. She was creating a roadmap for love, for pleasure, for safety, and the ADA was happy to be along for the ride. The blonde, for her part, was enjoying the feel of soft olive skin beneath her sensitive fingertips, along with the gentle sighs and audible gasps each touch pulled from Olivia.
They were quiet again for some time, the friction of skin against skin and the occasional moan of pleasure the only sounds remaining between them.
Olivia reminded herself that she could let go, that she could give herself permission to savor the sight of the protruding veins in the column of Alex's throat as she threw her head back in response to the insistent ministrations of her lips and tongue against her collarbone. She reminded herself that she was allowed to commit to memory the airy laughter that escaped Alex's lips with each careful line she scratched into the skin over her ribs. She took her time staring into wide blue eyes, brimming with tears, becoming clouded with desire, and she was absolutely positive her own body was changing accordingly. Liv smiled at the familiar slickness of her inner thighs as they moved against one another, searching for friction. She smiled at the blush forming on her—now—lover's cheeks, ears, and perfect breasts. She eagerly obeyed Alex's wordless command when the younger woman guided her lips to a beautiful rosy nipple, two deafening groans splitting the air around them at the contact.
"Liv," the blonde croaked eventually, shifting her legs on the bed as the fire that started in her clit and scorched every inch of her raged on. "Please." The word came out in a breathless whisper, and she whimpered when Olivia released the bud between her lips. "I need…." She started, a low whine the only conclusion she was capable of. She felt the detective's fingers dance across her hip and land on the uppermost portion of her thigh. She nodded. This is how they communicated in the bathtub. This is how Alex knew Liv wanted to cradle the most vulnerable area of her body, the most wounded part of her—other than her heart. Usually a shallow nod was all the enthusiasm the brunette needed, but today was different. This wasn't solely about comfort, about protection. Though those qualities were there and always would be, as the two women maintained prolonged eye contact, both of them realized this moment was so much more.
She nodded again, exaggerating her need by meeting Liv's fingers with her own. They hovered over the cop's, millimeters away, and Benson could no doubt feel the static between both sets of digits. There was passion between them—and the type of sexual energy both the detective and the ADA had denied themselves throughout the duration of their relationship—Olivia because she dreaded the thought of possibly scaring her partner and Alex because…Because if she were being honest with herself, she wasn't entirely sure how to let the energy in. She'd forced herself to keep it out since she was a child, for a whole slew of reasons, and now—the dam was breaking with such force, she anticipated the sob that would escape her the very moment the woman she loved grazed sensitive, waiting flesh.
And it was every bit as earthshattering as she'd expected, a barely existing touch sending Alex into cataclysmic emotion. Physically, it felt good, and she'd become used to the sensation of careful fingers lying impossibly still over her warmth, but she was experiencing a different kind of intimacy now—it was everything Liv had given her so far and so much more. She knew tears were running down her face uncontrollably, and she tried to pull herself together when Olivia's brow furrowed in concern. "I'm okay," she panted, lying her hand over her partner's. Everything she'd worked for had come to this moment, and though they had just started, a sense of peace came over the younger woman.
Her arousal dissipated for several pregnant seconds, and Olivia's did too, as waves of warmth washed over them both, the women remaining impossibly still, naked, connected, and suspended in time.
"Alex," the brunette breathed after a full minute, still processing the intensity of the prosecutor's emotional release. Because that's what it had been. The reaction had been entirely emotional in nature, as the physical need with which Cabot was contending was completely eclipsed by the poignance of being touched so tenderly. "Take all the time you need, my love," she said, gathering her own bearings.
It was her eyes that did it.
Olivia had seen the woman cry before, had seen her sob with an agony that she'd never be able to fully comprehend. But this—this was something else entirely.
The brunette had heard people talk about being able to see someone's soul through their eyes before, and she'd always considered it poetic hyperbole, but Alex's eyes—in the moment their bodies touched so intimately for both the purpose of connection and the purpose of sexual gratification—said everything that the attorney was thinking, and the intensity surpassed human understanding.
"I want you—" was the first thing Alex could bring herself to say. "—I want you to move your fingers, when you're ready," she added, opening her eyes to see that Olivia's were still shedding tears.
There was no need to question why the older woman was crying—they were crying for the same reason.
Olivia nodded her head, inhaling deeply in preparation for what she knew she'd feel against her fingertips. She could tell the blonde was well-lubricated, which was comforting to her—not because she believed the presence of wetness necessarily indicated arousal, but because she knew that Alex was sensitive and her touch wouldn't be as abrasive with the right amount of lubrication.
Alex's warmth made her fingers twitch in anticipation, in want. But first she waited for one last nod, a confident smile melting the brunette's heart. She purposefully avoided her clit, wanting to be sure she was adequately worked up before risking direct stimulation. Her fingers migrated downward, delicately rubbing the space between the head of her clit and her opening.
Both women realized her fingers were massaging Alex's scar tissue at the same time. Though the touch against needy skin felt like heaven, the prosecutor wanted to know—had to know—what Olivia thought of it. "Do I feel weird?"
Benson paused her movements, going back to carefully cupping her hand over the blonde's mound. She'd noticed the difference in texture, sure, but Alex didn't feel weird. She felt like Alex. "You feel incredible, sweetheart," she murmured into a sweaty brow. "Just breathe, Al. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't want to." The younger woman took a cleansing breath, nodding to indicate her blessing for Liv to continue, and she did, letting the backs of her fingers move in short lines over dampening flesh. "You're so beautiful."
"You're so gentle." Alex wished she could claim she'd been expecting this. That she'd predicted Olivia would gingerly move her fingers—body parts that had been used as weapons against her in the past—back and forth over a smoldering path of growing intensity in a way that said both "I love you" and "I want you." Her spoken observation was spontaneous, unplanned, and she regretted the surprise in her voice. It wasn't as if she thought Liv would be outright violent, rough, callous with her, but she still couldn't believe that touch against her simultaneously tense and wanting body could feel so indescribably safe. Olivia's gentleness was absolutely in character, but Alex's feeling of security was so far away from what she was used to.
"I love you," the older woman explained her tenderness, her pointer finger alternatively tracing along the length of each of the lawyer's labia. Slow, careful movements, as she took in the feeling of the woman she loved. "And unless you explicitly ask otherwise, I will always touch you like this. Always gentle. Always loving."
As she moved her fingertips over exposed, sensitive skin, Olivia carefully swiped over the underside of Alex's clit, gauging her reaction. She inhaled quickly, her fingers wrapping around her partner's bicep. "That felt good," she told her breathlessly.
"I'm glad." Benson wanted to further address Alex's nervousness around the texture of her scarring before she continued on though. "This feels amazing for me too, I promise. But we can stop if you're uncomfortable."
"I'm not," Alex swore, fearful that Liv would stop. "I was just...a little self-conscious." She'd always felt ugly, that her body wasn't as soft as it should have been because of what Pastor Paul did to her. She blamed herself for her own mutilation, as if the child's skin should have more successfully withstood the violence being committed against her. As her anger transitioned towards the true perpetrator of the injuries she sustained, her self-hatred was ebbing away, but still—she had trouble comprehending that anyone would want to touch her there. Wasn't it a reminder to Olivia of what had happened to her?
The brunette nodded her head at Alex's words, her fingers once again stilling in order to rest protectively over the skin that her girlfriend was criticizing in her mind. She thought for a few moments, studying Cabot's face. Olivia had been thoroughly enjoying getting to know her partner's body, but she needed Alex to be able to enjoy it too. Had the brunette registered that her fingers were grazing the physical remnants of the worst thing that had ever happened the woman she loved? Of course. But she felt no disgust, no revulsion. Nothing but the intense need to help the ADA feel deserving of the love she was entitled to in their relationship. "I'm going to ask your permission to do something, okay? But if you don't want me to do it, please say no."
Alex was unsure about what Liv was about to propose, but if the last few minutes had done anything for her—in addition to adding to the ache that resonated between her legs—it had provided an indisputable amount of proof that Olivia wanted nothing but the best for her. "Okay."
"I want to kiss your scars." She waited for the other woman to process and then she continued, her voice soft, her fingertips still against hot skin. "I want to give your body the love and the gentleness it deserves."
The lawyer reminded herself to breathe as the brunette leaned her forehead against hers, waiting for a response. "You want to go down on me?"
"Not necessarily," the detective said, reminding Alex they'd take it one step at a time, "It would just be closed mouth, chaste kisses—unless you want more. What do you think?"
"I mean, you actually want to kiss me...there?"
"Of course," the older woman breathed, bumping her nose affectionately against Alex's and letting her thumb move soothingly over the length of the prosecutor's glistening folds. "You're beautiful, and I love you." Though she hadn't yet had the chance to look at what she knew would be red, swollen flesh, Alex felt beautiful. She felt right, like home, like everything Olivia had imagined her to be. And she just wanted the woman she loved to see herself in the same light.
Absolute perfection.
Alex offered a shy smile and a thoughtful nod, running her fingers through Liv's growing mane. "Yeah. I think yeah."
The cop brushed her lips against the younger woman's, letting them linger against hers in a way that spoke volumes—Alex presumed the brunette saw this as a scar too—before beginning a slow descent down her body. She kissed the skin over Alex's heart first, invisible scarring that was just as deserving of attention as any other part of her. Her lips blazed a trail down her abdomen, and she smiled to herself as Cabot once again began reacting favorably to the stimulation she was providing.
Olivia kissed the sweaty skin just above a small blonde patch of curls, and then, making eye contact with the woman who's chest was now heaving, she pressed her lips to the back of her own hand—hard—adding pressure to the touch against her core. She pulled her hand away, running it down Alex's left inner thigh, humming slightly as she settled between Alex's legs. "Hmm. Does this feel good?"
"Yeah," Alex panted, feeling her hips rise of the bed, searching for the fingers that were no longer nestled in her warmth.
"Good." Liv let her lips linger against the inside of the younger woman's knee for a few seconds. "Focus on breathing again. It's gonna be most comfortable if you can lay your legs all the way down on the bed. I don't want your inner thighs or your hips to hurt later." She watched as the ADA relaxed her legs to the side, and she got her first up-close look at the wonder that was Alex's sex. God, she was beautiful, and she was putting so much trust in Olivia. It was almost enough to make real tears fall down her face—again. "There you go. Perfect. I just want to check in. We can stop, or..."
"I don't want to stop." Cabot was resolute, her eyes dark but alert.
"Understood." A smirk grew on Olivia's lips. "I'll start with kissing your knee and work my way up from there. I'm going to need feedback from you though, baby, okay?"
"Okay," the prosecutor sighed, reaching for the detective's left hand and resting the intertwined sets of fingers over her belly button. "I do want you to do this, honey. But like I said, there's no way I'm not going to be at least a little nervous."
Olivia nuzzled her partner's inner thigh, attaching her lips to the hot porcelain that awaited her there, allowing the fingernails of her right hand to etch careful lines into her side and ribs. She wanted to keep Alex calm, yet full of desire, and based on her experience, that particular gesture seemed to do the trick. She kissed the inside of her knee. "That's understandable, sweetheart. Just breathe through it, and remind yourself that you're with me, and we can stop at any point."
"I trust you." There was no doubt in Alex's voice, and though her heart hammered in her chest, the look in Liv's eyes told her everything she needed to know. She was genuinely wanting to show her body affection, to show it love and tenderness, both foreign concepts to the attorney before Olivia had walked into her life. If she couldn't trust those eyes, then she couldn't trust anything.
"It's okay if you're not all the way there yet," Benson noted, her lips slowly traveling towards the apex of her thighs, her right hand massaging circles into her hip. "It's going to take time...and more evidence. I get it. But I'm promising you, on my life and yours, that I will never continue once I know you feel uncomfortable. But I can't read your mind, so I need you to be honest with me."
"I want this."
The brunette's lips ghosted over the crease separating Alex's leg from her center, and when the younger woman squeezed her hand, she kissed more firmly, ensuring her hand was not accidently forcing her partner's legs apart—this was yet another wounded area of Alex's body, the victim of brutal force, something Olivia made it her mission to steer clear of, even inadvertently. It had to be Alex's choice to keep her legs spread and relaxed. If she didn't—or couldn't—Liv was ready to back away and change her plan.
When instead of tensing and pressing her legs together, the cop felt her girlfriend breathe and further open herself up, Olivia turned her attention to the differently textured skin right above the other woman's opening, peppering featherlight kisses around the area while keeping her eyes locked with Alex's. "I love you," she whispered into sensitive flesh, pressing her lips slightly more firmly into the scarred tissue, feeling the other woman shift on the bed below her. "You deserve to feel good." She squeezed the fingers that rested over her abdomen. "You deserve safety." Kiss. "And love." Kiss. "And tenderness."
Cabot used her free hand to wipe some longer strands of hair out of her partner's face. "I deserve you."
Liv smiled against hot skin, and then she blushed, inwardly chastising herself when she realized she hadn't thought to ask a rather important question. "Do you have feeling here?"
"Mhm," Alex hummed. "Yeah, I feel it."
The brunette searched for eye contact. "Good?"
The lawyer nodded, squeezing Olivia's hand. "I want you to...keep going, but not...down there."
Understanding gracing her features, Olivia squeezed the younger woman's hip, crawling back up her body and taking her incredibly riled up form into her arms. "Need a break?" she asked quietly, preserving the intimate atmosphere that had settled around them.
Alex shook her head in the negative. "Just need you," she heaved, still out of breath from the earlier stimulation. She felt warm—not to mention hot—and cared for, and safe enough to voice aloud the extent of her desire. "I know you want to take it slow, and I get it." She took a few seconds to get a full breath in and out. "But I really need you to touch me." She felt her inner muscles twitch, something that had happened from time to time in the shower. "Like, really touch me."
"Okay. Okay," Liv soothed, cradling the back of her partner's head. "Will you show me what you like?"
Alex immediately reached for Benson's hand, guiding it to rest over her heart for long enough for Olivia to feel the rapid nature of the beat, and then the blonde moved it down her body, maneuvering her fingers into caressing her breast and brushing featherlight against her ribs.
The next few seconds seemed to last forever as Olivia watched the woman she loved bring herself pleasure with the brunette's hand. The moment was charged, and the older woman gave in to her own arousal, her eyes closing as a low moan left her throat. They snapped open when she felt the coarse texture of Alex's pubic hair, and she smiled softly when the ADA paused her movements, waiting for permission to continue. "I love you," she mouthed, offering Alex a slow nod.
Taking a cleansing breath, the prosecutor slid their joined hands to rest fully over her core, preparing to demonstrate for the cop the kind of touch that made her feel good before she was ready to fully relinquishing control. She knew she could do this safely, even if it were a little scary, because she knew that at the end of the day, she did still have the control. It would take one word—maybe less—for Olivia to pull away and simply hold her close for the night.
Their foreheads met, and an involuntary chuckle escaped Alex, levity breaking up some of the intensity of the moment. "What?" Olivia laughed.
"It's just crazy to me how good this feels," she exclaimed, "and you haven't even done anything yet."
Liv pecked her nose. "Show me." She let her fingers go slack, allowing her partner to gently fold all but two down to meet her palm. Ever so slowly, she dipped Olivia's fingertips shallowly into the wetness at her entrance, studying Benson's gentle eyes as she didn't even twitch, giving Alex all the power.
"I need to start slow," she purred, her voice scratchy, lifting Olivia's fingers to meet her clit. "And soft. Because I'm sensitive," she explained after recovering from the involuntary gasp the touch elicited. "But," she added shakily, moving the brunette's fingers in careful circles, "I'm going to need speed and pressure in order to…" She stopped herself, blushing. She neither forced herself to say the word, nor chided herself for being unable to. Liv knew what she meant.
"If you want to let go," Olivia offered, overcome with the desire to have her movements alone be the cause of the blonde's parted pink lips and delicious sighs of contentment, "I'll stay like this until you tell me you're ready for more."
Wordlessly, Alex released the detective's hand, the intensity of what she was feeling increasing tenfold at the knowledge that it was all Liv. The white hot pleasure scorching her veins was due to Olivia's knowing touch, due to the way she expertly responded to Alex's reactions—the way she pushed harder when the blonde bucked into her hand and barely danced across her nerve endings when she pulled away.
She couldn't help but shudder at the rhythm of it. "Oh, Liv," she sighed breathily, gripping onto the woman she loved for dear life.
"Good?" the cop checked, exaggerating the endeavor of collecting more wetness from Alex's opening, keeping their eyes locked in reassurance that she wouldn't push all the way in.
All the attorney could muster was a stuttered "more", though the meaning was clear. As the detective sped up her insistent circles, murmuring words of adoration into the younger woman's ear, it occurred to Alex that Olivia was the perfect antithesis to everything Tammy was.
When Tammy said, "Jesus Christ, Alexandra, just relax," Olivia countered with, "Take a few deep breaths, sweetheart. I promise you're safe."
When Tammy scolded, "Stop crying, you whiny baby," Olivia cooed, "I know you're emotional, baby. Just breathe. I'm emotional too."
When Tammy pushed Alex back down onto to bed as she jumped at the feeling of an unfamiliar sensation, Olivia provided more room for the younger woman to move, made sure she wanted to continue, and pressed a kiss into her hammering temporal pulse.
When Tammy told her, "It only hurts because you're squirming," Olivia shook her head at her partner's abuser and made it perfectly clear that "it should never hurt unless you want it to."
And when Alex explained that she didn't want it to, Olivia overpowered Tammy's sadistic laughter with even more gentleness and a reminder that the ADA was loved. "Hey, I just want to check in, love. How do you feel?"
"I'm good. You feel…." She hummed, pulling the older woman closer. "God, you feel so good. I'm just…I'm taking a long time." Olivia hadn't gotten around to battling Tammy on this issue yet.
The brunette slowed her movements, wanting to speak to a lucid version of Alex. "Sweetheart, it's barely been ten minutes since we really started," Olivia observed, glancing at the clock on her bedside table. "What's the point of us having sex?"
"To feel good. To connect."
"Does it feel good? Are we connecting?"
"Yeah."
"Then that's all that matters to me," she promised, searching Alex's eyes for comprehension, "as long as you feel safe. What else is bothering you? I don't want to see anything but calm in those beautiful stormy blues."
The prosecutor felt a familiar wave of shame crash into her. "I'm fine, Liv. I'm just...frustrated. That we can't just be a normal couple."
"Baby, I know your experience has been different, but this is normal."
"I know. I do. And this is—this has been so amazing so far." Alex shook her head at the truth of the statement. "I just wish it wasn't so hard."
"I do too, sweetheart," Olivia admitted, her previously stopped fingers lightly moving through pubic hair. "But it'll never be like you weren't abused. We can't pretend that's the end goal here. But it won't always be like this. For now, just focus on what you know is true."
Alex focused on the ultimate truth. "I love you."
"And I love you."
When Liv's fingers began to move with abandon, more time passing, Alex focused on a few additional truths.
She was safe. That was true.
She felt good. That was true.
The enormous sensation Olivia brought to her body began to concentrate fully in her core, something she'd felt before but had never welcomed by the hand of someone else. That was true.
Alex wanted nothing more than to join with Liv to overwhelm her body with good, and she did, pushing into her partner's fingers with a drive she had never before been capable of. That was true.
As her head flung back against the pillow and she gripped superhumanly hard onto the love of her life, a desperate cry flying out of her, she felt no shame. Only good.
That was also true.
She never thought the sound of her own breathing could be so comforting. She was alive. She was alive.
And she was living.
Alex heaved for over a minute, vaguely aware of discerning fingertips massaging sodden flesh, all the while avoiding her oversensitive clit. She allowed herself to take up the time and space, her ears tuning in to her own breath.
Soon, she also became aware of Olivia's tender words—statements expressing love and pride, and unfathomable happiness.
"Just give me a minute to recover, and then—"
"Hey," Liv interrupted, carefully cupping Alex's sex. She knew where the younger woman was going with her words, and she didn't want her to go there. After the life she'd lived, the least Alexandra Cabot deserved was a night. "How about we get some rest? I'll let Sandra in and we can cuddle."
The blonde lifted her head slightly off the pillow, feeling fatigued. "You don't want—?"
"I see how tired you are. This must have been exhausting for you. There's never any pressure to reciprocate," she reminded the woman she loved, lightly scratching her scalp and removing her other hand from its place over Alex's still occasionally clenching muscles. "It isn't only about me."
"I know that now." Cabot didn't feel obligated to return the favor, she actively wanted to. But Olivia was right. Her eyelids were heavy and her limbs felt like jello. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling—she was undoubtedly sated—but she was indeed exhausted. "I do want to. Maybe not tonight though."
When she'd returned from letting in the cat, who was waiting outside the door, offended, Liv settled under the covers, eagerly pulling Alex into her arms. "Thank you."
The prosecutor gave a quick chuckle. "What are you thanking me for?"
Olivia shook her head as if it were obvious, and to her, it was. Painfully so. Alex had given her the greatest gift. "For the most amazing moments of my entire life. For letting me help you feel good. Feel safe. Feel loved."
The blonde let her fingers dance over the detective's face—her nose, her cheeks, her gently closed eyelids. "I do feel all those things."
And that was the most breathtaking aspect of all. "I know. I can tell." She watched Sandra hop onto the bed and curl up in a ball at the corner. The cat was beginning to feel safe in her presence too. "You letting go and letting good in and…and trusting me like that...it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
A/N: Thank you so much for reading! I would really love to know your thoughts on this twelve page erotic novel!