Clara recoiled from the Doctor as if she'd been struck, her eyes wide and fearful as she processed what he had just said. Of all the ideas she had had in her head, the possibility of him actually going through with this notion hadn't been one she had given any weight to. It made her sick. The thought of this Doctor, her Doctor...doing it. Pressing the button that would destroy his home. She'd managed to stop him from doing it before and she would do the same again. She would not stand by and watch him become a killer. He'd argue that he was already one of those. She would argue that he only ever did that when all was lost, when there was no other option. Surely there had to be another option.
"You...can't!" she whispered angrily, flinching away from his as he reached his arm out towards her. He hated when she looked at him as she was doing now, as if he was some sort of monster. Maybe he was and he'd been kidding himself that he could do better. Maybe it was only possible to make the final stand when it really mattered because the heroes didn't have the courage to do what was necessary.
"Clara...we have to…" he mumbled feebly, still wanting to be able to touch her but she continued to resist his attempts.
"No! Do not try and justify this! I will not hear anything of it, do you understand?"
"I know you don't understand…" She let out a cold, bitter laugh at that.
"Of course...I don't understand. How could I? I'm just a simple, tiny human who could never comprehend what you're going through." This time, she stepped closer to him without any of the usual warmth she had for him. "Do not speak to me like I am some stupid child!"
"I didn't mean that. You know I didn't mean that." He was fully aware that people were now watching their argument, wishing that they could have done this in private.
"Well, it definitely sounded like it!" She swatted his hand away from her yet again. "I can't believe you. I saw how much it destroyed you to do it the first time. You found a way to get out of it because you couldn't bear the thought of being that man. What's changed? What has happened to you to make you even consider this?"
"Would you rather me condemn Earth? Is that it? I'm doing this for you!" She slapped him hard.
"Don't you dare say that. Don't you dare! You don't get to put that burden on me! Shoving the guilt onto me! It's not fair." This wasn't the man she knew. This wasn't the man she loved.
"Clara…"
"Don't touch me. You always find another way. You'd do something clever to make sure Earth is safe without destroying Gallifrey and yourself in the process."
"Sometimes there isn't a way to win cleanly."
"Is the situation really that dire that you'd have that mindset?"
"Look around you. The Earth is dying and quickly. If I don't act soon, there'll be nothing to save. If we can get there in time before Gallifrey starts coming through the rift, then we might stand a chance of this working." He wasn't listening. He'd grown to be better at listening to her but now the Doctor was reverting back to what he did best. Isolating himself and trying to deal with the problem alone. Clara decided to use a different tactic, turning to walk over to the other Time Lords. Not the other Doctors, who she could tell would be just as stubborn and she didn't really want to talk to the Eleventh in the state she was in. No, she focused her attempts on the General, Ko Sharmus and Cassandra, all three of them looking at her in trepidation.
"Are you okay with this? Are you okay with going through with wiping out your home and your people?" Ko Sharmus looked at the ground, ashamed of what they were planning.
"In truth, we have not been properly consulted on this. But if they think that it is our only option, then it must be. I'm sorry."
"I don't care that you're sorry. If you were truly remorseful, you would stop talking like this."
"Clara," the Doctor tried again, walking slowly towards her. She didn't stop him as she wanted to hear what pitiful thing he would say to convince her. "I'm not just doing this for Earth. Although I see that as reason enough, you also have to think about what would happen after Gallifrey comes through. It wouldn't be peaceful at all. They might destroy the fleets in orbit with their arrival but there would still be millions out there who wouldn't be happy with them coming back. Not to mention that they would likely be tried with every intergalactic crime there is in the book, bringing the likes of the Shadow Proclamation into the fold. Another Great Time War, even greater and deadlier than the last. How many billions of people would suffer and die as a result? Compared to those on Gallifrey?"
"The majority of those people are innocent. Why should they die because of the actions of a select few?" Why wasn't anyone else agreeing with her? They all looked so sad, standing around and watching this play out. She could understand some of their reactions; most of them would feel that it wasn't their place. The likes of Wilf, Graham, Brian, Yaz...they shouldn't have had to watch this decision being made. This was one person contemplating destroying one planet or the other. Both couldn't survive in his view. She eyed Kate, who was looking crestfallen. She was seeing what her father had always spoken about, how, no matter how much he tried to look and act like a human, the Doctor was something much greater, the universe in his hands. "Are you going to allow him to do this?" The blonde woman shrugged helplessly.
"Has there ever been a way to stop him?"
"Yes! It's why he keeps us around him...so that we can show him what he is actually doing and stop him before he goes too far and does something needlessly drastic."
"Dad…" It was Jenny who spoke up, looking mainly at the Tenth Doctor but the others were looking at her too. "Is this what it is like travelling with you? Watching you make these choices?"
"Sometimes it only comes down to me. That's my responsibility." He looked old regardless of his relatively young face. "I don't want to involve you in this. Any of you for that matter." He spun in a slow circle, looking at them all.
"You brought us together though," Sarah Jane argued. "Maybe not on purpose. You weren't the one who made the calls but you're the one who touched our lives so strongly that we couldn't leave you on your own in a time like this. It's your gift. You can't turn us away now when it gets difficult. You only hurt yourself in the process, which ends up hurting a lot more people. It's why you're thinking about this in the first place. You're closing yourself off from us because you don't want us to see you like this."
"I can and I will do this. This is Gallifrey we're talking about. You're not from there but I am, which is why I have to make the decision."
"This concerns Earth too!" She very rarely shouted at him but she wanted him to see sense. "What if we decided to give you more time so that you can think of something clever? The Earth isn't dead just yet. Maybe it could hold on a bit longer."
"Oh, Sarah Jane Smith." He held her head in his hands. "This isn't you. Look at all of you. Wanting to risk the Earth to save me and my soul. It doesn't work like that and it never has. It's the other way around. I'd gladly do this for this planet."
"Have you thought about how you could do it?" River was the one who asked the question no one had thought about yet. They were rushing into this, she could tell. They wouldn't survive going through with this if they did it by thinking on their feet, no matter how good they were normally at doing that. Her worry was that they weren't thinking about surviving this. The way they were talking...she knew they didn't expect to do so. Maybe it would be for the best in their eyes since they wouldn't have to live with the guilt of their actions. But she was also thinking about the universe and what state it would be left in if they were to die - it would be a cold, empty and dark place without them in it and people would suffer because of it. "Because I don't think you truly have." Surely her husband would listen to her even if two of them didn't actually know who she was in relation to them.
"We'll think of something," Twelve answered dismissively. "We normally do."
"This isn't a normal situation though so can you stop referring to it as if it is!" He hated how angry everyone seemed to be at him, especially the two women who were closest to him. His friends were also looking at him as if he were a different person. They'd heard the stories of what he'd done in the final days of the Time War but they would never have envisaged the faces they'd known and loved in that scenario. It just wasn't right. But to see it happen in front of them...they could hardly process what they were hearing.
"There are lots of unstable areas on Gallifrey," Ten expanded. "Areas that we can exploit. Even the Matrix could go critical with the right amount of tinkering."
"You want to create a bomb."
"...I guess you could call it that."
"Then do it. Call it what it is. Own your actions." She was looking at him with cold eyes, judgement pouring out towards all of them. She'd always been a force to reckon with and was showing just why at that moment.
"Why do I have to?" Eleven wondered, taking a step towards her. She'd say that he was almost sneering at her as if to say that she had no clue what she was talking about. Using his facade as someone much greater than all of them. He hardly ever used it unless it suited him because he didn't really believe it.
"Because I want you to show us all that you are fully aware of what you're doing. The man who never uses weapons but is perfectly happy creating a bomb that could wipe out a planet. Why not go all the way? Sneak into the Vaults once again and steal the Moment. For old time's sake." He ran a frustrated and tired hand over his face with an annoyed groan.
"You're not going to convince me not to do this."
"Then you will die a stupid man."
"Maybe that has always been my fate."
"Hold on! He can't die! We know that's not possible," Wilf strongly argued, slowly piecing together what was on the line.
"Regeneration only goes so far," Ten said. "That sort of event would mean that it would be very unlikely that we could do that."
"No. I'm not talking about that. I'm alluding to the fact that there's four of you standing here. If the youngest of you dies, surely that means the rest of you won't...exist! Everything you lot have accomplished wouldn't happen." Twelve took it upon himself to quell his fears.
"Normally that would create a paradox but, because time is in the state that it's in and we're at the eye of the storm, we can get away with it with minimal damage." Wilf looked at him with puzzlement evident in his eyes.
"But you'd still die," Clara said, tears in her eyes. "You wouldn't be travelling with me anymore. Would I have to go back to my boring normal life with the knowledge that I've lost the one part of adventure that I had?" She knew that she sounded incredibly selfish but she felt that she had earned the right to be. "You'd leave me. After what we've been through and what we've recently just said. Can you do that?" He couldn't meet her eye so, this time, she did grab his hands strongly, pulling him closer so that he couldn't deny she was there looking so sad and disappointed. In him. He'd never wanted to be on the end of that look but he was sad to say that he had been on a number of times.
"You'd still be alive. That's all I care about." His eyes met hers and she could tell that he meant it, no matter how foolish she thought it was.
"What's the point in living without you? That's not life, not really."
"Don't say that. Please. I have to know that what I'm doing will be worthwhile. I need to be sure that you'll make the most of it."
"Of your sacrifice?" Why wasn't he feeling the guilt she intended for him to be feeling? Maybe he was just good at hiding it after all of these years.
"Yes." There it was. The confirmation she didn't want to hear. He was actually going to do this. And nothing she could say would stop him. Then there was one last choice she could make and she was surprised at how easily she was willing to say the next words out of her mouth.
"Then I'm coming with you. I'll stand by your side when you need me most. Think about it. All of my echoes helping you when you'd reached your lowest points. This is...natural. What my role has always been and always will. I can't deny it any longer." He took a step away from her, a mixture of anger and fear on his face.
"No. No way would I ever allow you to come with us. Why would I pointlessly sacrifice your life when I'm doing this to save you?" She was being reckless, being like him. He had to make her stop. There could only ever be one him. Well...four at the moment but the point still made sense to him.
"Because it wouldn't be a sacrifice! Not truly. I'd be giving you the strength to do what you have to do since there's no words I can pluck from the air that will change your mind. If you die, I die."
"That has never been a stipulation in our relationship!" Usually, she would have smiled at the thought of him using the word 'relationship' but now it just stung. Because it was coming to an end. "I never made that promise because it's the worst thing I've ever heard." He moved over to his Tardis, placing his forehead and hand on the wood of the door.
"What if it wasn't just her?" River asked. The three Doctors looked at her in confusion.
"What do you mean?" Eleven was scared to follow up but his curiosity won out against his better judgement.
"We could all come with you. Maybe that's why we were all brought together. So that we could do what we have always done best. Help you when you need us. If we go with you, we might be able to think of something else that you can't or won't." Her voice was pleading, her eyes so very filled with love and distaste at the same time. Eleven looked at everyone slowly, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Why would you even contemplate such a thing?" Amy took his hand, hoping the simple touch would make him see sense.
"Doctor." She smiled sadly. "Me and Rory were sent back in time. We've been given this extra chance and maybe this is why. To make one final stand by your side." Clive then stood up.
"Could it be that this rift sent me here to do that too? You said the paradoxes would fix themselves so I could...die here as well as when I actually did." It was strange how accepting he was of his fate now he'd been told it.
"And I'd gladly do it," Graham spoke up. "If I can do anything that will save the planet, meaning that Grace and Ryan remain safe...then it's an easy choice for me to make." Yaz stood by his side, indicating that she felt the same way.
"You'd never get to see your families again."
"You'd never get to see yours either," Sarah Jane countered. "We are your family."
"No." The Twelfth Doctor walked back over to his predecessors, placing a hand on the man who came directly before him. "Don't start listening to them. Don't let them get inside your head otherwise we won't be able to do this."
"Is this what you are then? The man who chooses to bottle his emotions because it hurts too much when it comes to situations like this?"
"Trust me, I tried to embrace my feelings." He looked at Clara with sad eyes, the love he felt for her burning deep within him like a raging fire. "But I ultimately knew that I can't always have what I want. We have always known that."
"Maybe you're right."
"Please...don't do this," Clara whimpered. The three of them moved to the doors of their time machines. Twelve refused to meet her eye, instead focusing on giving himself instructions.
"We'll take all of our Tardises so that there's no chance that they can follow. I want you to make sure that none of them tries anything that could harm them." He looked at the Curator, who didn't react in the slightest.
"Doctor! Look at me!" He didn't dare do as she said, the knowledge that his resolve would melt away instantly firmly in his head.
"It's best that we ensure that they don't do anything foolish. My Tardis has already been to Gallifrey recently so it'll create a time column again. You'll be able to follow me through it hopefully." He glanced at three other Time Lords, ignoring her plainly. "You can stay here. Give us a small sense of victory in the knowledge that the Time Lords won't be completely wiped out this time." They were going to debate the proposition but they were already pushing open the doors.
"You said that you would never leave me again!" came Clara's last cry before the doors simultaneously slammed shut. She raced over to the one he had once claimed was hers, finding it locked. She banged on the door, shouting for him to see sense. But the blue box began to disappear in front of her, as did the other two, taking the Doctor with it.
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The Doctor tiredly rested his head on the console, allowing the gentle thrum of the Tardis to relax him slightly. He hated himself. And he knew that she definitely hated him because of what he'd just done. If he did somehow make it through all of this, which he doubted but the knew that the universe often liked to torture him, Clara would never want to speak to him again or see him ever again. The thought destroyed him, the image of her face the only thing he could see. But it wasn't the usual smiling one she had for him. No, it was her face from seconds ago. The way her eyes were filled with tears only because of his actions. The way her voice broke due to her shouted pleas for him to return. He comforted himself with the fact that she would be safe if he could find a way to stop the Time Lords. Hate was better than death. Or was it? Could he live knowing she hated him? Maybe he wouldn't have to find out. He'd either die in the process of destroying Gallifrey or get stuck behind the rift, trapping him for eternity on the wreckage of what was once his home. He deserved it. That was the way he felt anyway. He was the one who had delayed too much, who had hoped that the issue wouldn't become too big a problem because he was fundamentally naive. He thought that the universe could be a good place since he was a damned fool. There were too many races in the cosmos willing to go to any extreme to save themselves. This was what this silly war was about, just like any other. Survival. The Time Lords wanting to return to what they saw as their rightful place. The Alliance fighting to make sure that could never happen to preserve themselves. He just always got dragged into the middle of it. Those people he had left behind...they saw him as the person who resolved these sorts of conflicts. And they were right. They just couldn't accept that sometimes, on the darkest of days, it took the worst of decisions to see that through. They didn't want to believe that he was capable of such an act even though they'd seen him put in these scenarios before. Clara especially, which was probably why she had wanted to stop him. She had first hand experience of what it did to him afterwards as a result and so wanted to save him from himself. This time, it couldn't work like that. He had to save her. He felt the Tardis rumble underneath his weary head as it careened through the rift, fighting off its effects ever since it took off. Of course it would never have been an easy journey. It was if the universe wanted him to suffer even more. He just didn't realise that it was the universe's way of telling him to stop before it was too late.
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The Doctor, with a dark expression on his face, walked around the console as he glanced at the monitor, tracking the flight of the lead Tardis. He was right. So far, the time column was holding steady, allowing them to follow him rather easily apart from the sparks that occasionally flew out from his ship and its incessant tolls of woe. The old girl would hold steady even if she didn't like what he was about to do. She always did when he needed her most. She took him where he needed to go and this was something he had to do. His friends hadn't liked the idea understandably. He didn't even like the plan. After so many years of living, death wasn't something he wanted to really go through. Proper death too. Not the sort that happened when he regenerated, when a version of himself died. No. This would be permanent. No way out of this one. As his Tardis quickly neared what he could sense would be his final destination, his thoughts drifted to the many adventures he had been on, which was a natural thing to happen when you were faced with your own mortality. All the people he had met and known and loved, many of whom had been standing in that room as he left, telling him to see sense. Then, he began to think about the adventures that were being stolen from him, the ones his future selves had obviously been on, the ones that he would never get to experience. How much of the universe had he not seen? So much. But less than what would be destroyed if he didn't do this. He had to keep telling himself that. His mind would repeatedly question what they were doing before he thankfully saw sense. Then the doubts would creep back in and the cycle would begin again. It was torture. Almost as bad as seeing Jenny's heartbroken face as he'd left her to go to his Tardis. She had wanted to travel with him, she'd said. He'd been the one who had brought her into this. Maybe not in this body but it was still him so he could have the guilt regardless. He wouldn't allow her to suffer when it was only because of his presence that she was involved in this. How many times had that been the case over his lifetime? How many people had died just because he'd turned up by accident? This was his way of repaying them in a sense. Telling them...no more.
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The Doctor ran up the glass steps that led to the console anxiously, making sure that he was still travelling along the right path. Any inaccuracies would prove to be quite serious when they were trying to go through a rift in time. It was the sort of drastic action that he didn't normally like doing. With this incarnation, he'd tried forgetting about his past actions in an attempt to clear his guilty conscience. It didn't really work but it meant that he could often wear a daft grin on his face. It made travelling easier. It made connecting with people easier because he wouldn't allow himself to think about the ones he'd let down. So many of them. He was kidding himself every day. Then he'd landed in America and had been thrown into this mess, the one threat he couldn't run from and pretend like it never happened. He'd wondered when that day would come. He'd just never thought that it would be so soon. He drummed his fingers on a gizmo, one that he didn't know whether it had an actual function. Amy had wanted to come, a desire that didn't surprise him. She was always so strong, sometimes even more so than him. But she wasn't strong enough to do this. Only he was. No one else could ever understand what he had to do. It was why he shouldn't have had any ties anymore. If he had no one to worry about, he would have been able to leave easily. He would probably already have been there, standing on the turf of his planet before it burned around him. But he had never been as strong as he claimed. He needed those people more than they needed him at times. It was why he had second guessed himself before he left, hoping that he wouldn't have to abandon them. There was still so much to do and so much to learn. River had been strongly against this, telling him that she felt something towards him that he didn't understand. He would die not knowing. He would die not knowing what happened to Amy and Rory, which he felt was something he could be thankful for. He would die not knowing why that brown haired woman had been so close to his next incarnation. His last incarnation. He wanted to live through that but was resigned to the fate he'd made for himself. He ultimately was too strong and stubborn to turn back. The universe was relying on his strength now.
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River Song tentatively approached Clara, who hadn't moved since the Tardises had gone. Everyone else stood in shock helplessly. What could they possibly do now? Surely he couldn't expect them all to just...wait. But that's what he wanted. Was it better for them to give into the Doctor's wishes just this once? River placed a hand on the younger woman's shoulder, turning her around. She seemed so lost and small.
"Clara...he wouldn't want you to be like this." She let out a sarcastic laugh.
"And I bet you're so thrilled with this."
"Of course I'm not but…"
"No. You're wrong. He wants me to be like this. Right now, what he wants more than anything else is for me to be upset and to hate him with a passion. Because then I'd be useless and wouldn't try my hardest to get to him. I am not going to give him the satisfaction. I don't hate him. He's just being an even bigger idiot than usual, something I can deal with." She began to smile slightly as she paced the room, thinking through the many ideas in her head.
"You've got a plan forming in your head. I can tell," Wilf said.
"Part of one, yeah. See, the Doctor's been rubbing off on me for years, which means I've started to think like him. It's a curse and a blessing, let me tell you."
"But he's taken all of the Tardises," Vastra pointed out as she moved away from her wife. They didn't know what to think about this. The Doctor was worth risking the universe but they also wanted to keep one another alive. Would interfering with the Doctor's plans put them in more jeopardy? "You saw that. We all did. Even if we wanted to help him, there's no possible way of us getting to Gallifrey. We're stuck here and we might have to start accepting that."
"Do you want to help him? Really?" Clara stood close to the Silurian woman, inspecting her like Vastra had done back in Victorian England, when the Doctor had changed.
"Of course I do!" She was insulted by the notion that she wouldn't.
"Good. Then start having that nonsensical optimism he normally has. The Doctor wants us to give up because then we can't stop him. Let's prove him wrong." She eyed the others. "Who here wants to help the Doctor once again?" She was surprised that it was Graham and Yaz who stood forward first.
"We already told him why we would help him," the young Asian woman pointed out. "Why can't we save Earth and him at the same time?"
"If you think there's any way we can, count me in," Amy said, dragging her husband with her. "Can I just say...I like you. I sense that you're able to put up with him almost as well as I can." Any other time, Clara would have taken the opportunity to flirt with the gorgeous ginger but knew that could come later. Jack, Jenny and the Smiths locked their guns in answer, smirking at her. It would probably be useful to have weapons, that was true. Brian eyed Wilf cautiously before he joined his friend.
"We've always said that we'd assist him whenever we got the chance again. It's why we followed his adventures so closely. We're not going to pass up the opportunity now it's here."
"Thank you," she said earnestly. "Hayley...we could use your...specific skill set. I know that you're worried about your people."
"This is a way of helping them and the man who made it possible for us to live here. I'm not going to sit and wait and hope for things to get better." The Zygon had a steely edge to her voice.
"I'll come." She was shocked as Clive stood up from where he was sitting with a determined look in his eyes.
"But...you hardly know him."
"I feel like I do. I always thought that all he brought was death with him when he arrived somewhere. But I'm seeing now that that's not entirely the case. He inspires people like you even when he doesn't believe in himself. I've been brought here, maybe through sheer dumb luck...I may as well make the most of it."
"You are all forgetting the crucial thing!" River complained once again. "No Tardises. It's all very nice to see you standing together in a unified battle cry but that won't get us through the rift!" Clara grinned.
"You're forgetting the crucial thing. Rule number one: the Doctor always lies."
"I actually didn't say anything this time so surely it can't be considered lying." The Curator stepped forward, a noticeable twinkle in his eyes. Sarah Jane picked up on it.
"I know that face. What are you not telling us?"
"Nothing that isn't obvious, my dear Sarah Jane." He tapped his nose playfully.
"He says that he is the Doctor," Clara said. "We could just take him for his word, like we have done so far. Or there's a very simple way of proving whether he's telling the truth or not. There is one thing that follows the Doctor, no matter what face he is wearing. The constant companion that outlasts all of us. Are you going to tell us then?"
"Tell you what, Miss Oswald?" He was playing along with her, she could tell from the look on his face. He never changed.
"Where do you keep your Tardis?" Their eyes widened in realisation, wondering how they hadn't pieced it together sooner.
"You'd cross yourself to help us?" River asked.
"I've always been my own worst nightmare. And I never listen to myself. Why should I change any of that now?" Clara was properly smiling now.
"Excellent. I'm sure you'll lead the way. The Dromulus may be an issue. Pol Kon Don? How do you fancy enacting some much-needed justice?" She snatched up the time weapon and threw it to the Judoon, who caught it deftly.
"It shall be swift and satisfactory." Clara then focused on Kate.
"We might need some back-up. Just to distract them so we can get to the Tardis."
"You'll have it. I'll stay here with everyone who isn't going. I need to make sure that you have a planet to return to, after all. Good luck."
"Hopefully we won't need it." The Curator knew that it wouldn't be down to luck. As they began to leave, he made sure to pick up the Nebulous weapon from the table. Memories were such useful things when they came back to you.