Chapter 23 – I'm Addicted To You

Note: Chapter Title from Britney Spears' song 'Toxic'

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of its characters.

Now that that's out of the way, let's begin…

Last time,

Harry and Hermione walk back in at that point, Hermione sitting down and pointedly ignoring everything while Harry seems perfectly at ease and calm. Sirius' sarcasm takes root.

"The cheer in this room is bloody overwhelming."

Now,

All too soon, visiting hours are over. As everyone prepares to leave, Remus takes a minute to make sure Mary's okay.

"You aren't responsible for me just because you helped me escape, you know," She assures him.

Remus sighs, taking her hand, "I know, that's not what I'm doing. I just…I'm sorry about freaking out on you in that cell, that probably wasn't very easy to deal with."

Mary's face falls, "I've been gone a long time, last I knew you were steadfastly refusing to take part in the first war. I have no idea what happened, but if it did that to you it would have killed me." Remus looks away, she squeezes his hand as best she can, "Don't ever apologise for surviving something terrible and having the scars to prove it."

Remus sniffles slightly, wiping away a few stray tears. "I'll be back tomorrow, I promise."

Mary nods, "Remus?" She asks as he walks away, he turns back, "Thank you." He smiles slightly, nods, and then walks away, leaving her once again to wonder what on Earth could have shattered her friend.

Neville and Benoit both decide to go back to Hogwarts that night, give Harry and Hermione a chance to catch up with Sirius, despite numerous reassurances that Neville is family too and doesn't have to go. He promises he'll return tomorrow. Benoit just wants to go back to school.

Back at Grimmauld Place, no one is all too surprised when, upon arrival, Remus disappears for ten minutes and comes back with a drink in hand.

"We have really got to talk about this, Mate," Sirius tells him, Remus looks mildly panicked at that, downing the glass quickly. That more than anything decides it for Sirius. Something needs to be done. But not tonight. Tonight everything is so very quiet for the first time in a long time, and all Sirius wants to do is rest in the arms of the man he loves. But that will have to wait, because he has his children back and he needs to be there for them.

Sufficed to say, Moody is rather surprised to see them.

"You're dead, you're in school, I don't know who you are, and you ran away," He says, pointing at Sirius, then Harry, then Hermione, and then Remus.

Sirius smirks, "Not dead," He says.

"Not in school," Harry points out, raising a hand slightly to indicate to himself.

"Hermione Black, previously Hermione Granger and Hermione Willows, now minus the glamour charm," Hermione tells him.

Moody's eye widens minutely, "Seen through the charm, not many get past this," He says, pointing at his magical eye, "Didn't realise who you are though. You?" He asks, looking to Remus.

"Wasn't going to leave Sirius again."

Moody nods, looking oddly pleased when Sirius takes Remus' hand, "Think I'll go make myself scarce. I'm sure Mr and Mrs Tonks would be glad to hear from you, seeing as you ran off on them," He tells Remus who looks mildly sheepish.

'Peter?' Harry mouths to Remus when Moody walks away, Remus shakes his head.

"Why didn't we tell him?" Sirius asks Remus after Moody's door has closed upstairs.

"He'll find out on his own anyway, no doubt news of the trial will leak out soon enough. The less we tell anyone the smaller the chances are someone with a grudge finds them."

"You're really that protective of them?" Harry asks.

Hermione frowns, taking a seat at the table, "'Then he went and brought Voldemort back from the dead.' You've been talking to him since before then, months before then," Hermione realises.

Remus nods, "I met Bridget a few months before Rema was born, it was around two months later that Pete showed up."

Sirius seems to ignore the entire conversation, "Food, anyone? I feel like I haven't eaten in…I have no concept of time, how long has it been since…?"

"Seven months," Harry replies, voice sounding rather hollow, Sirius walks over and wraps an arm around his son. Harry doesn't really know how to respond to this but hugs back, albeit stiffly.

"Was it as bad as last time?" Hermione asks him.

Sirius sighs, "Less people this time, less time but…none of it really makes a difference. Not in there."

"Uncle Moony bitched out the Wizengamot about your lack of trial the first time," Harry tells him, Sirius looks to Remus in amusement.

"How about I get started on that dinner," Remus suggestions, walking towards the kitchen.

"Don't set the house on fire, we've got nowhere else to go." Remus glares at Sirius who grins. The entire interaction feels forced to them, given how often they've done it before, but the kids are convinced and that's what matters.

"He's a Malfoy now, he could just buy a planet or something and we could all hide there," Harry points out.

Remus huffs as he walks into the kitchen, "I'm not taking their money."

"Your money, by law."

"I only needed their name to get out of trouble in case I got caught doing something. It was a favour to my sister and I'm not taking advantage of it."

"But a planet, Uncle Moony!"

"Harry, even if I were to use the money, I'm not buying a planet."

Harry seems rather putout about this, "What about a golden palace?"

"Why gold?" Hermione asks.

Harry shrugs, "I like gold."

"You have a vault full of it."

"Galleons aren't actually made out of gold Mio, trust me, I looked into it." Hermione rolls her eyes.

"Wait, they aren't?" Sirius asks.

Harry shakes his head, "Not entirely, there's some debate whether the second metal is silver or nickel though, the Goblins won't say. It's only a small amount."

"But you'll only have it if it's solid and pure gold, right?" Hermione asks in amusement.

"I nearly bought a gold cauldron for school in first year, but Hagrid stopped me."

"Good thing too, can you imagine how Uncle Sev would have responded to that?" Hermione asks, Harry laughs which makes Hermione roll her eyes, but she chuckles too.

"On the other hand, it's nickel," Sirius says, they both look confused, "Got a galleon on you? Sure fire way to tell." Harry pulls one out of his pocket. "Oi, Moony, catch!"

"What?" Remus asks, turning around to see something flying at him, he catches it out of the air. "Why?" He asks, Sirius gestures for it back, Remus chucks it over, Sirius hands it back to Harry.

"Believe me, if it were Silver, we'd be hearing about it. Which reminds me, what the bloody hell happened to your face and hands?"

Remus grimaces, "Hit a wall."

"A silver wall?" Sirius asks with narrowed eyes.

"A wall laced with silver, I think."

"Why was there a wall laced with silver?"

Remus freezes in putting bacon on the fry pan, clearing his throat before he keeps going. "Best way to keep in a Werewolf, lace the walls and door with silver."

Hermione and Harry exchange looks.

"Well, we're pretty tired," Hermione begins.

"We'll just go to bed I think," Harry finishes before they both hug Sirius and book it out of there. Sirius walks over to Remus, turning the stove off and spinning him to look at him.

"Don't…" Remus says, closing his eyes, "I don't want to talk about it."

"You've been saying that for seventeen years, Remus. It's not going away." Remus scrunches his eyes closed more, Sirius takes his face in his hands, Remus grabbing one of them but not pulling it away. "You need to let it out, Moons."

Remus shakes his head even as tears spill from his eyes. "I can't Sirius, I can't. Please, please stop," He begs, trying to pull away. Sirius pulls his love into a hug and holds him as he calms down again, Remus sobbing quietly as he does. Sirius sighs, stroking a hand through Remus' hair and holding tightly.

"Why don't we have Kreacher make dinner?"

"He's not here anymore. Severus sent him to work at Hogwarts after he got you killed."

Sirius raises an eyebrow but asks no more questions. "Then let me help you." The two make a simple dinner, making enough for Harry, Hermione, and Moody.

After the two eat they let the others know about the food and then retire to Sirius' bedroom.

"I'm sorry about before," Sirius tells Remus who slumps over as he sits on the bed, "I only want to help you."

Remus nods, "I know I just…" He seems to try to say more before he just shakes his head. He walks out of the room, Sirius sighs, completely unsurprised when he walks back in with a bottle of firewhiskey in shaking hands.

"Past few days have been a lot, I know," Sirius tells him, Remus scoffs, "Okay, I don't. But I can imagine. Do you think it's easy for me? Being back in this house?" Remus looks away. "I know what it's like to have your worst memories thrown back in your face, I spent twelve and a half years with dementors." Remus just looks down at the bottle, fiddling with it before drinking a bunch. "There is no escape there, it's just on repeat, with no end, no break, forever. So I know how hard it is, Moony. I also know that ignoring it and drinking isn't going to make it any better."

Remus sighs, "I mentioned Bellatrix died?" Remus asks, Sirius nods, frowning as he leans against the door, "I watched her die through Draco's memory." Sirius face falls. "I barely cared. I was so afraid seeing Voldemort again, seeing her again, that at the time, what I was watching barely registered." Sirius moves forward, sitting beside Remus on the bed. "She loved me so much, right until the end, and I can't even mourn her." Sirius wraps an arm around Remus' shoulders, Remus leans his head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. You just got out of Azkaban and I'm here complaining."

"You aren't complaining, Remus, you're processing. Besides, I have been through hell. Lived in it for years. But you know what I've never had to do before?" Remus shakes his head. "Move on, deal with it, keep living. I was miserable and half mad but I never had to keep on living. I don't think I could have, either. To be perfectly honest, were I in your position, hell, not just after the war but most of your life, I'd probably have –"

"Jumped off the Astronomy tower?" Remus asks in a deadpanned tone.

Sirius chuckles slightly, "Yeah."

"I'd have caught you."

Sirius looks at Remus, smiling gently and nodding, "I know."

He kisses him gently.

The two change into pyjamas, Remus lucky in that he still had some here, and lay down in bed together, holding each other close in the dark.

"You asked me, once, what the worst part about the war was for me," Remus tells him, "I lied." Sirius waits for Remus to continue in his own time. "It wasn't Mary's death. I thought of when Mio was taken from me but…even that wasn't it. It's not even those ten months. What haunts me the most wasn't the war, it was the moment after it when I realised everything I had fought for was gone." Sirius frowns, snuggling in closer to Remus. "I could go and visit Alice and Frank, and I do, but they aren't there, not really. Hermione, Harry, Neville, they were all gone to me. You and Del were in gaol, everyone else was dead." Remus takes a deep breath before continuing, "I know, from the group, I still had Severus but…it didn't change the loneliest, most haunting and completely unrelenting fact of them all."

Sirius sits up slightly to look at him, "What was that?"

"I was the last Marauder."

It's too dark to really see each other, yet Sirius is certain the two are looking straight into each other's eyes, and they cannot look away. It's a moment before Remus continues, "I have you and Wormtail back but that feeling just won't go away. It didn't last time and it won't now. I can't talk about any of what happened because I have felt so alone for so long that I don't know how not to. When I was in that place it was the same. There was no one and nothing and I can't relive that, not any of it."

Sirius nods, "I'm sorry I pushed you." Remus pulls Sirius back down and hugs him close again. Sirius allows himself to melt into him, feeling tears of joy in his eyes when Remus kisses his head.

This is it, Sirius thinks, I made it. He knows I love him, he loves me too. Sirius can't think of a damn reason that things can't be okay from here on out. He has his kids, he has his Moony, what else is there?

Remus, meanwhile, is rather guilt-ridden. It's been such a hard few days, every single day bringing up everything Remus wishes he could forget, not to mention what he did for Phia, seeing her at all, her bringing up Derek. Now, now he's got Sirius back and they are together at long last, but he's holding back. How can he not? Until Harry decides to bring Sirius in on this whole Inimicus thing, that's how things have to be. When he knows, Sirius will surely leave him for letting Harry do this. The way Harry's been reacting, Remus doesn't think it will be any time soon that he lets Sirius in on it all, and everyone will follow his direction regardless of their own concerns. For now though, for now he has Sirius, and he has to make that count for something.

A few hours later Sirius is woken up by moaning, and not the good kind. He looks over to see Remus' face scrunched up, though by fear or pain he can't tell, only that Remus is now sobbing in his sleep and writhing on the bed.

"Remus, Remus wake up," Sirius says gently, Remus whimpers trying to move away from him, it's giving Sirius the idea that to shake him awake would be a very bad move, "Moony, wake up!" He says louder.

"No, Trixie, please, please no," Remus pleads, Sirius feels the blood drain from his face. The nightmares had happened a lot when he first came back and was living with Sirius and Marlene, but Sirius had hoped by now they'd have faded. He doesn't recall Remus having nightmares when he was lying low at his place, but perhaps they had come back? Watching both Sirius and Bella die was bound to have consequences for him, Sirius just has to hope he can help the man he loves through this.

Nothing for it, He thinks to himself before grabbing Remus' shoulder and shaking him.

"Remus!" He calls loudly.

"ELLA!" Remus screams as he jolts upright, looking around with wild eyes. Sirius retracts his hand and tries to appear non-threatening, Remus on the cusp of hyperventilating. He calms himself marginally before grabbing the firewhiskey that had been left on the nightstand the night before, Sirius sighs.

It's a few minutes later, and literally the entire bottle, before Remus takes a final shaky breath and looks over at Sirius sheepishly.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."

"Don't be daft, Moony. Do you want to talk about it?"

Remus just looks away, "I'm fine."

Sirius frowns, then he clears his throat and gets up. "I feel like some hot chocolate, care to join me in the kitchen, Moons?" Remus looks mildly surprised but nods. He avoids physical contact with Sirius and slowly descends the stairs on shaky legs, but otherwise seems pretty okay given how he had been mere minutes before.

When Mary wakes up it's to find Remus looking like crap and passed out in the chair beside her bed with a blanket thrown over him.

She watches him for a moment, noticing his twitching in his sleep. He whimpers for a moment before jolting awake.

"Morning," Mary says quietly when his breathing calms a little, he looks at her in surprise, clearly having forgotten where exactly he is.

"Mary, right, hi."

"Did you and Sirius not sleep much last night?" She asks, a teasing smile on her face, he gives a slight quirk of the lips in return, she sighs, "You know, I often wished I'd get free. I didn't consider what things would be like once I did."

Remus frowns, nodding. He knows the feeling. "Meetins for tha Order go on where'll be stayin. 'm sure you'd be welcome ta sit in when one happens, if you want to. But, perhaps you'd like ta livea life 'way from th'War?"

Mary frowns, "For all of you you've fought a war, but I basically got a free pass out of it. I'm not saying what happened to me was easy, fuck knows it wasn't and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be in a room with the door closed again but…this war…I spent the better part of seven years preparing for it. Everything that happened in school, the childhood I sacrificed, none of it will have meant anything. Even if I can't do anything to help right now, the least I can do is be there."

Remus nods, "Okay then."

Half an hour later the two return to Grimmauld Place, Remus helping Mary walk since she's still a touch shaky. She kindly ignores the fact that he's drunk until she can find out what happened.

"So, this is your childhood home?" She asks, seeing Sirius who shakes his head.

"No, this is where I lived before I went home." Mary smiles at Sirius before looking around the room, her breath catches as she sees a familiar face.

"It's good to see you again, Miss Macdonald," Mad-Eye tells her.

Mary grins, "Hiya Alastor." Remus helps her over to a seat before he moves to sit beside Sirius. "So, you're Sirius and Del's kids," Mary begins, looking over the two children who both look back challengingly, "Yeah I see it. How's your Mum? Apart from, you know, gaol."

Hermione shrugs, "I don't know, we haven't met her yet."

Mary seems confused but nods, "Well, she's a brilliant person so you've got that to look forward to." Hermione seems very pleased with that answer. Though because of the answer itself or because of the reaction to them not having met their mother, none are sure.

"We should do that at some point. If you both want to, that is," Sirius tells his kids. Hermione's excited at the prospect, Harry seems less enthused.

"You should probably tell her you're alive and free first," Harry says, Sirius nods, "Among other things." At this, Harry sends an awkward look to Remus who looks warily at Sirius.

Sirius nods, "Which I will do in the next few days." They hear the floo activate and moments later Neville and Benni walk in carrying Crookshanks and Illa.

"Illa!" Harry exclaims happily, going over and chatting to her in Parseltongue.

"Thank you," Hermione tells her cousins as she pets her cat.

"Are you all right, Benni?" Remus asks his son, noticing the dejected look on his face. Benni looks mildly panicked before shaking his head and sitting at the table. Harry suddenly laughs and a strange hissing sound accompanies it from the snake.

"What's going on?" Hermione asks her brother.

"Illa thinks Seamus fancies Dean," Harry replies, seeming happier than anyone's seen him in a while.

"Where'd you get the snake?" Sirius asks, the room grows tense, much to Mary and Sirius' confusion.

"Draco," Harry replies, leaving out the part about his Father.

"Draco Malfoy?" Sirius asks incredulously, Harry nods, "I thought you hated him? Didn't you once call him a useless waste of carbon?"

Remus shakes his head, "No, that was James about Lucius."

Sirius frowns, "Oh, sorry. My heads all over the place at the moment. Okay, but I know you didn't like the kid. What happened?"

"I moved in with he and Professor Malfoy," Harry replies, Sirius' frown deepens, "They got me away from the Dursleys," he adds, knowing Sirius will approve of that, at least.

"Good. However, in the last war Voldemort frequented Malfoy Manor. So be careful, purposefully or not, this may be putting everyone, including Lucius, in more danger than you were in to begin with."

Harry frowns, "Why Lucius?" Sirius hesitates.

"He knows who his Father is," Remus tells his heart.

Sirius hesitates a moment longer until Harry raises an expectant and challenging eyebrow, "Harry, he killed James and Lily for hiding you from him. If Voldemort doesn't know you are there, how do you think he would react to Lucius keeping that from him? And if, to protect himself and Draco, Lucius has already told Voldemort, then you may be in danger anyway." Harry opens his mouth to retort, but Sirius holds up a hand, "I'm not trying to tell you what to do. If you are there then Lucius is clearly willing to take any risks involved and I've no doubt you've thought of most of this. All I am saying is keep your eyes open, I don't want anything to happen to you."

Harry seems surprised, "You aren't mad?"

Sirius looks confused, "Mad?"

"About me staying with the Malfoys."

"Of course not. I'm rather thankful they got you away from Petunia."

"She apologised," Harry says after a few moments of silence, everyone looks over in shock, "Apparently Draco tried to pull exactly what you did when you first won her over. She recognised his name, too. Knew he was a wizard. She apologised to me, explained herself."

"Better have been a bloody good explanation," Remus grumbles.

"There wasn't much left to say on my part, Uncle Moony had already bitched her out about it."

Sirius looks to Remus who doesn't seem at all repentant.

"Well, it sounds like everything is working out then."

"Lucius has a kid?" Mary asks, everyone seems confused for a minute.

"Oh, right. You were dead before then. Yes, Draco Malfoy, my God-son. Brilliant kid if a bit…" Remus trails off.

"He's sort of a giant bag of dicks sometimes," Harry tells her. Remus and Sirius suddenly look to each other, both seem amused but unsure if it's appropriate to laugh. Benoit tugs on his Père's arm and gives him a questioning look.

"I called Sirius something very similar though, mildly more…intense, many years ago," Remus explains, Sirius nods.

"When and how have I not heard about this? Or was this after I was captured?" Mary questions.

"No, it was in sixth year. When we were, um, having that fight…" Remus explains awkwardly.

"What fight?" Neville asks.

"I made a very bad decision which could have had very severe consequences for Remus and Sev. Remus wasn't very happy with me afterwards."

"Is that why Professor Snape used to hate you?" Neville questions, Sirius nods, "How come you get along now?"

"Severus forgave me."

"He did?" Mary asks in shock.

Sirius nods, "More for Remus than anything else, I think but, yes."

"James and Lily would be pleased." Sirius nods sadly.

Neville remembers what he'd seen in Harry's memory of the attack at Godric's Hollow and looks over to the boy he now thinks of as his cousin, unsurprised to see a complicated look on his face. "Harry, can I talk to you for a minute?" Harry looks up in surprise but nods. He says something to Illa who nods and slithers over to Benni, nuzzling his hand affectionately and the boy allows her to climb up and drape herself over his shoulders.

Harry and Neville walk out and into a room down the hall with the family tree.

"Everything okay, Nev?"

"I was going to ask you that." Harry frowns in confusion, Neville sighs, he can't believe he's about to think this, but he wishes Malfoy were here to talk to Harry, "Are you ever going to tell them the truth?"

"What truth?"

"That Aunt Lily didn't save you. That she nearly got you killed."

Harry hesitates, "What would be the point?" He asks. The childishness he's been showing since the trial falling away, "She didn't mean to. It was instinct to dive out of the way. Anyone would have."

"You wouldn't," Neville says, "Uncle James clearly wouldn't have. I doubt Uncle Sirius or Uncle Remus would have either."

"Uncle Moony wouldn't have because he has severe depression issues. That hardly counts."

"He'd do it anyway and you know it," Neville tells him, "Harry, I'm not saying she's a bad person. You're right, a lot of people would have done the same. But doesn't it annoy you that they all think she saved you?"

Harry frowns, "Yes, it does. It especially annoys me because they think my Father tried to kill me and he didn't. That night, he didn't. It annoys me because they think that curse didn't hit me, think I didn't feel it. I didn't know before, I didn't remember, now because of that stupid pensieve I can't forget. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. What is the point of telling them now? All it will do is break the image they have of her. I know what that's like, I don't want that for them." Neville fidgets for a moment. "What?"

"Something weird happened that night Harry, with the spell. It should have killed you. Just like it should have in the Department of Mysteries."

"It didn't."

"Yes, I know. They might know why!"

Harry bites his lip as he thinks, "Maybe we could…alter the story, slightly."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, say it didn't hit me that night. Say he tried it in the graveyard…"

Neville sighs, "Over the holidays the subject of what happened the night Cedric died came up," He admits, "I didn't tell them what, but I did tell them that you told me. I thought it might make them stop questioning it if they knew I knew." Harry nods. "So, if I back you up, they'll believe it."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Not at all, but knowing what happened might give us an advantage for…our extra-curriculars."

Harry smirks, "I like the way you're thinking. But if that is the case, I'd rather certain other people not know about it."

"Then when we get back to school, I think we should search the library for information."

"There's a bunch of books in this house that they wouldn't dare have within a school. If it will be anywhere it will be here."

Neville frowns, "There's just one problem. No one else has been known to survive the Killing Curse. What exactly am I meant to be looking for?"

Harry frowns at the floor, his entire stance having shifted throughout the conversation until it's Inimicus Neville is standing before. Somehow though, it doesn't make him feel small. It makes him feel stronger, because this man before him, the man they all trust to lead them to victory, trusts his judgement, listens to what he says, and wants his opinions.

"The Unforgivables. Why are they grouped together?" Neville seems confused. "Look for any reference to an Unforgivable not working on someone. Any Unforgivable. And find if there's anything in common between them. Look for when they became the 'Unforgivables' and why."

Neville nods, "Yes, Sir."

"And be subtle. If someone finds you poking around in there, they will get very suspicious very quickly."

Neville nods again, "Anything else?"

Harry debates something for a moment before shaking his head, "Not for you. Right, we should get back," Harry says, shaking off Inimicus.

"…tell her before the Prophet does," Moody is saying as they walk back into the room, Remus nods.

"Tell who what?" Harry asks.

"Tell Jamie about me," Sirius replies, "Everything all right?"

Harry smiles, "Peachy."