Menyoo thinks about where he should begin the story, when it crosses his mind that he has never told it before. Since he joined the order at a young age, he became accustomed to not sharing his personal thoughts with others. He had his Uncle, but he just spit the Jedi teachings back at him each time he sought advice, so it was not worth going to him about personal matters. He did not have friends in the order, just acquaintances. Even if he had met somebody who he got along with, he still could not share his feelings with them; He is not supposed to have them in the first place. According to Jedi teachings, any semblance of feeling must be rooted out and destroyed before it grows into something vile and deceptive. Mill really is different, Menyoo thinks to himself. He looks up at the man sitting beside him, then realizes he is patiently waiting for Menyoo to begin his story. Menyoo clears his throat, then begins:
"When I became a full Jedi, I was behind most of my class. So many of them knew what they wanted to do and were already receiving their first assignments. I had not chosen a path and didn't have the faintest idea of what I wanted. My master recommended I take a month to myself, make a vow of silence, and try to connect with my inner me. Or so he called it. He claims it worked for him when he was my age, so I did it for a week. Well, I kept to myself anyway. Staying silent didn't last long. I decided instead that I would take a trip back home, to Skustell, my people's homeworld. My master had an old beater ship he wouldn't miss, so I took that. When I got home, I found my mother first, then my brother Dryell, both of them I hadn't seen since I was 4. I spent a few days with them telling them about my adventures, and they caught me up on what changed since I had left. Things were very different than I remembered, but Dryell, he was the same as he was before I left.
Being around him reminded me of when we were kids. We agreed as kids that when we got older, we would look for the golden falls. There is a legend on Skustell about them and how they supposedly hide great treasure, and a lot of Ongree believe the stories. Dryell and I took off in search of the treasured falls, and went to the Skhost bluffs to begin. It was a dangerous climb, but many locals believed the golden falls were at the top, so we started there. Since most Ongree are accustomed to living in the ocean, they can't be on land for long, much less scale a mountain, so it made sense that it had never been discovered before if the falls were up there. Since I had just come back from the academy, I was excited to show off my new powers.
About halfway up it became too dangerous to continue. Bad wind caused the oceans to batter and spray the cliffs, making them dangerously slick. Dryell wanted to turn around, but I insisted we go farther. What would I have to be afraid of? I was a jedi. If anything went wrong, I would save him. Things did go wrong. It wasn't his fault either, he was only a couple meters from the edge when the rocks gave out from under him.
I was already over the top waiting for him. Without any hesitation, he let go of the cliffside completely and reached his hand out for me to catch him. He was too far, so I reached out with the force instead, but I felt nothing. I first tried to steady the rocks that were falling, hoping I could freeze one in the air to catch him, then lift him up over the edge. When that failed, I reached out for his body instead, and same as the rock, I felt nothing. He just watched as I held my hand out in front of me like a kid playing Jedi. That was the last thing he saw as he fell to his death."
Menyoo, having balled his hand into a fist during his description of Dryell's fall, slams it into the side of the bunk. The thick stalks of his eyes go slack, bearing the weight of heavy memories rushing back to him. He continues on, quieter than before, "I was going to turn around after that last ledge. We were so close. He wanted to turn around so many times, but I just kept pressuring him. I still don't know what happened… I…"
Mill fills in the void between Menyoo's stammering, "I'm so sorry to hear that Menyoo. I'm surprised your uncle never told me. He must have sensed it, and if I knew that…"
Menyoo stops Mill before he can finish his statement, "He doesn't know. Dryell wasn't my actual brother. We were raised together as brothers, but my Uncle never visited, so he never met him or knew of him. On Skustell, best friends for life raise their families together, live in the same households, and call each other brother and sister. Often, the kids go on to form similar relationships. As a Jedi, I will never have a family, but that is what we were supposed to be, Dryell and I. Our entire lives, I have just abandoned him. First for the academy, then when he needed me most. And as for why I still have problems connecting with the force, I don't know why. I used to think it was because I defied the order. Since meeting you, I'm not sure what I believe anymore."
Mill interjects with a thoughtful "hmm," before telling Menyoo, "I used to think something similar. When I was a kid, before I was picked up by the order, I was given a locket by my dad. Well, sort of my dad. It's hard to explain. It's kinda like your relationship with your brother. He was my everything. The locket," Mill lightly chuckles, "it was somebody else's family. It had an older man and a young girl in the picture. But on Socorro, you appreciate what you can get. My old man, his name was Darren, he gave me the locket as a keepsake.
I knew what it symbolized, and he did his best, so it was important to me. When he died, I took it with me. During my first month of training it was found during a random search of my quarters. I was ordered to destroy it. It along with the memory of my dad. Attachment is bad, makes us weak and susceptible, yada yada you know their reasons. Suffice to say, I didn't destroy it.
But this is what the order does. They convince us that their way is the only way, then instill enough fear in us to ensure we never deviate from their ways. And if we do, we convince ourselves that terrible things will happen." Mill pauses before finishing his statement, "We'll figure out what happened Menyoo, I know it."
Mill places his hand on Menyoo's shoulder and shakes it lightly, prompting Menyoo to lift his eyes up toward Mill. A palpable sorrow rests atop his heavy eyelids, straining his gaze and forcing his eyes down to resume facing the ground. Mill takes his hand off Menyoo's shoulder and says in an acerbic manner, "You having lost access to your force powers the way you did, is that why you were so freaked out after my duel? Because that's what happened to him?" Menyoo continues to stare down, but nods to affirm Mill's calculation. Mill continues speaking, "what happened to him is not the same as what happened to you. I am wielding force powers that I do not yet know how to control. The Jedi who was killed, he was a consequence of my inept abilities. For any number of reasons, you lost your connection to the force like he did momentarily, but I don't think the dark side had a hand in it."
Menyoo responds with more fervor than before, "But what if it did!? This happened no so long ago. And, not so long ago I killed a defenseless man out of anger! That surely must have been the dark side. You were there, we communed with a Sith idol immediately after. Whatever has been affecting you, I am infected too."
"You are not infected, that is not how it works. When you meditated at the idol, you rewatched the death of your friend didn't you?" Menyoo does not respond, but his prolonged silence is confirmation enough for Mill to continue, "what you are dealing with are feelings. You can't handle these intense emotions and you are seeing the consequences of it, just as I am. I don't know what happened in that moment when you were with your friend, sorry, your brother. But I think in order to reconnect, you have to work through those feelings. This dark force power inside me, I thought it was something different too. Some evil entity or energy intent on destruction and chaos. But I'm starting to see that the bad energy inside me, it's my own stuff. It's chaotic only because it has been left unsorted."
Menyoo faces Mill and sighs, "So the Jedi are right. Our feelings have caused all our problems. But how do I stomp them out? Time? More meditation? Have you found anything that works?"
Mill responds sternly, "No, the Jedi are not right. If I am correct, this is their fault. We don't need to learn how to remove our feelings, we need to learn to control them. I was everything the council could want in my heyday. Free of love, attachment, pain, empathy. I was a tool, suppressing a dangerous concoction of trauma and negligence, and just waiting to explode. The nexus on Moltok brought it all to surface, but it was always there. If they had taught me to embrace these feelings, to control them and live with them, more people would be alive. The troops on Mygeeto, the Jedi on Socorro, the… I would be better off too." Mill was about to mention the banished Makurth on Moltok, but then remembered he had not told Menyoo about that incident. He instead takes a note out of Menyoo's playbook and looks down at the ground, waiting for Menyoo to fill in the silence like Mill often does for him.
"So when I killed that guy in the temple, you don't think it was the dark side at all?
Mill answers, satisfied with the topic having returned to Menyoo, "Yes, I don't think the dark side made you angry. I think you were just angry. As I said, if you were taught to control that anger, he would probably still be alive. Since leaving Coruscant, I have learned the primary difference between the dark side and light side tactics. Those on the light side of the force remain rational and calculated when fighting or making decisions; while those belonging to the dark side use feelings to their advantage, amplifying them to increase their power, and leading to an obsessive need for more suffering and pain. These feelings are a fuel for strong force abilities and raw power. The Jedi disregard them because of their unpredictability. The common factor between the two is that those on both sides feel, it's what we do with those feelings that determines our actions."
"Wow," Menyoo says, "you really have learned a lot on this trip. It makes sense, but that would mean that the Jedi have been handling this all wrong since the very beginning."
"That is what I'm afraid of." Mill muses. "And that is what we have journeyed to figure out. And from this point on, we are partners. And if you care to join me, I have a lot of material to study now that Sbeit is off the ship." Mill tells Menyoo about the books from the library on Xagobah. He shows him the strange writing in the Sith tomes, but like Sbeit and Mill, he does not recognize the alien sequences of lines and dots. Mill then shows him the dark passage from the first volume of D.G.'s set, and Menyoo similarly recoils at the crude exposition of the Dark-force user's methods. Mill and Menyoo make a plan to read through the other three volumes before reaching Jaguada: a far enough trip to afford them the time.
TC-26 comes bobbing up to the side of the ship and opens the door. As he climbs in with his tangle of grappling legs, TC exclaims to Mill, "All filled up Captain! Where are we off to now!?" TC pushes off his last two legs from the refueling dock, heaving himself through the open passage. He then stabs his way forward into the the small kitchenette area and leaps onto a chair.
Mill and Menyoo stand up from the bunk and walk over to join him at the table. Mill sits across from TC and says to him, "We have a task ahead that is going to call on every bit of skill and talent you possess as a pilot. We"—Mill looks at Menyoo for unity—"know you can do it." The droid cannot make facial expressions, but it appears to Mill that the droid's excitement overcharged the lights in his eyes, causing them to flash a bit brighter than usual. "It will be dangerous droid. The next planet is Jaguada, tucked away in dangerous part of space.
TC's eyes dim again. The droid remains silent, processing the planet's name as he renders it through a database. After a short pause, the light returns to his eyes, then immediately dims again, "Jaguada is marked as a distant mythological planet belonging to the lost sectors north of the Thanium sector."
Mill looks at Menyoo, then back to TC, "Yeah… it isn't a myth. There are old hyperspace lanes running through that area. According to Plank's description it is due west of Almania. Like I told you, it's a dangerous mission, but if anybody can do it, it's you."
TC-26 hops down from the seat and scurries to the spot underneath the cockpit. He says with courage, "Well then it will be a long trip. We had best get started!" TC leaps vertically, pushing off each leg collectively, straight through the open hatch. He extends his legs to stop his momentum, digging into the paneling inside. He then inserts his legs into the proper interfaces to begin the next stage of their journey. Mill gets up out of the seat and grabs the credit chit that TC left for him after refueling. Probably won't be good for much longer once Sbeit makes his report, Mill thinks to himself. He starts walking towards his bunk now that plans have been settled, but Menyoo asks him one last question before he can get comfortable.
"Hey Mill, do you still have that locket your father gave you?"
Mill remains turned away from Menyoo and lets out an inquisitive, "Hmpf," before answering, "Today was the first time I have thought of it in a while. Honestly, I'm not sure."