Author's Note 1:
Question for you readers: Have you ever heard of the term "leaning on the fourth wall?"
Because I'm a bit weary from all this writing and I think I need something to lean on…
Here's a new chapter for you all, thanks for the feedback on yesterday's short one.
As well as some appreciation for some past chapters as well :)
LOVING the comments, the PM's and the dedications :D
Let me know if you like it!
Hope you do,
bobbiejelly
PREVIOUSLY ON "FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING":
A female figure walks into Emerald City bar now.
She's ready and wanting to ask some tough questions about what went on here the other night.
She's willing to find out some truths, and sort out her feelings.
She's finally starting to admit to herself who she is, who she was and who she really wants to be in the future.
She's staring Joe right in the face as she walks in the door…
Determined to win or to lose it all tonight, to finally learn what Joe and Walter had been thinking.
The woman knew that he knew everything and everything to know.
And everything and anything she could possibly ask them would help her.
And that at the end of tonight, it would be the 'end of the world' for someone, somewhere, somehow.
That, someone, was about to be heartbroken, and someone was about to be saved.
And that she had no clue on earth, yet, which one she would be, and who would be the other.
END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it. MerAdd. Meddison. Set during "Bring the Pain" GA. An Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy Fanfiction. Written by me, bobbiejelly . NOW RATED E FOR EXPLICIT. You're welcome :)
Chapter 31: It's The End Of The World, Part Two.
The female figure who walks into the bar right now to ask Joe and Walter all sorts of questions is not wearing a blue form-fitting dress, a star-shaped necklace, kitten heels along with Addison's lipstick.
Instead, the female figure who walks into the bar right now to ask Joe and Walter all sorts of questions is wearing a mostly red but also green scarf.
The very same one that Alex and George might remember from Addison having worn it when she had been sneaking around the neighborhood and returned Meredith's key, then, to under her doormat.
"Well if it isn't Addison," Joe and Walter welcome Addison into the bar in a pleasant surprise.
"Did you get my messages?" Addison panics and asks them immediately, still panting a bit from walking as fast as she could in her heels from the hospital.
"We did," They say to her then.
"And?" Addison asks her.
"She hasn't been here since that night anyhow, Meredith isn't here tonight. Not yet, at least," Joe and Walter both offer to her.
And Addison looks around in surprise as she realizes they're right.
(At this time, Meredith is far from finished being stopped by Bailey, being asked for a favor, packing her things, almost walking in on the boys, checking on the patients and their parents, getting her backpack and painstakingly slowly dressing in all her clothes and applying her lipstick… Meredith is still in the car-park by the time Addison has first arrived at Joe's bar…)
What's your first drink going to be? Joe asks her now, and motions for her to sit down.
"Gin and Tonic," she says confidently; Addison doesn't drink scotch without Derek.
"Coming right up," Joe says, motioning for Walter to pass him a can of tonic.
Addison reaches to pull out her credit card, but Joe waves Addison's hand away from his.
"This one's already been paid for," Joe explains in a deadpan.
"Huh?" Addison says in confusion.
"It's from 'your secret admirer' whoever that happens to be" Joe just shrugs at her.
"What?!" Addison exclaims to him, incredulously and in surprise.
Already SHE WAS a secret admirer and Meredith thought of her as her mystery person.
And now SHE HAD a 'secret admirer' of her own, buying her secret drinks at Joe's bar…
(Addison's head is starting to spin with the drama and she's staring blankly on into nowhere.)
"Can't give you any more than that, someone swore us to secrecy" Joe only shrugs.
('Dear lord, someone ELSE wanting to get into my pants… As if I don't have enough drama with divorcing Derek and lusting after his ex-girlfriend/mistress, Meredith Grey…')
('Normally it could be a compliment but this is starting to be a sort of a hindrance…I have my reasons…')
('Wow, you really are hung up on some Meredith-shaped reasons if you can't even handle the thought of someone else buying you free booze…')
"Umm, thanks, I guess…" Addison doesn't even try to feign interest in her 'secret admirer'.
(Probably some desperate man or something, family member or staff of the hospital...Addison thinks to herself.)
(Okay now there is SOME like 3% curiosity...Addison thinks to herself.)
(But surely they couldn't be a better choice than Meredith? Or maybe they could be someone like really magical?)
(Get it together, Addison, you are here to ask a question about Joe's loyalties, right? Not to just bask in the attention you're getting as a newly single woman who is now more than straight!)
"So about ME, swearing YOU BOTH to secrecy! Addison waves her hands in a panic.
"Is that STILL a THING?" Addison freaks out at them, then.
"Yes, it is; relax, Montgomery," Walter says to her soothingly.
"How is she?" Joe asks Addison, then.
"Meredith Grey?" Addison clarifies to him.
"Yeah, that's the blonde intern who was here with you the other night, right?" Joe asks her.
"Yeah, but that's a secret," Addison says sharply to them.
"Of course, but no one here now, not that you know anyhow. We just want to make sure she got home okay," Joe says to her, softly.
"Oh." Addison says to them first.
"She did," Addison says, before looking down at the floor.
"Thanks for doing that I know you didn't have to - given who you are to each other…" Joe says to Addison, now.
"What?" Addison says in confusion. She's wondering whether or not he's talking about the whole 'mystery person ordeal' even though there was no way he should be able to know about that.
"Well, she WAS your ex-husband's girlfriend/mistress, at the time, anyways, and she was waiting for him to show up for him when you arrived, that night…" Joe explains to Addison as if she's forgotten.
And truthfully, Addison almost had forgotten, by this point, that Meredith had at one point been, at least a caricature of her then-husband's "dirty mistress" or "lusty intern" or whatever.
But even that night, based on what Derek did to her - did to them both - by not making a decision and what he did to her even before that - when he lied to Meredith by omission by not saying he was married… Addison had never hated her at all.
Maybe she had hated the idea of her, but as much as she tried, Meredith was just so…
('Sweet and lovely. She was extremely bright and empathetic and compassionate. She saved patients every day and she saved Addison and her friends on multiple occasions from extreme embarassment. She was just REALLY HARD TO HATE YOU KNOW…and beautiful too…')
"She is, you know. Empathetic and compassionate, at least. I don't know her that well so you'd know more about the rest of those things…" Walter says to Addison, sweetly.
"What?" Addison furrowed her brow.
"OHMYGOD!" Addison exclaims in a panic. "DID I JUST SAY ALL OF THAT OUT LOUD?"
"You did, sorry, Addison…" Joe says to Addison sheepishly.
"You know, it wasn't a problem, really it wasn't any trouble, she wasn't any trouble, she was easy to take care of…" Addison trails off a bit in the memory.
"But I've been keeping that night a secret from the interns, especially her...But one already knows and the rest might find out soon enough if I don't figure all of this out.." Addison sighs.
"Is it really the end of the world if they do find out about it? If SHE does?" Joe asks her.
"Well, I have to tell her myself eventually before- Well I just do. She'll be mad I've been lying but I just didn't want her to like me out of obligation or become a hero or object of worship or something untouchable, you know? I didn't need the credit and it was all so complicated and there was never a good time, and I just..." Addison trails off, then as Joe begins to formulate his thoughts.
"See, over the course of the evening, way back then, I think you might actually have enjoyed her company. Even I could see that," Joe says to her.
And it's fascinating to Addison because she's played and replayed every inch of that night over and over in her memory, but she's never had another person's perspective to compare it to.
"That night, when she laughed, you smiled like it was the funniest thing in the world," Joe says to her.
"You let her buy you drinks. You never let anyone else do that for you," Joe says.
"I didn't know you'd remember that," Addison says.
He's referring to the few times prior that Addison had found herself alone at the Emerald City bar. Both women and men had offered her drinks, then, but she had just flashed her wedding ring in their faces and declined.
"You always said no. To everyone," Joe explains.
"I guess maybe I felt lonely because I wasn't wearing the ring anymore," Addison says, unsure herself.
"I have no idea. But you felt something for her then. Compassion. Empathy. Shared experience maybe?" Joe tries to understand it all but he's outside of it all.
"I guess, I came to the bar that night because I felt like I should tell her my ass of an ex-husband wasn't going to be her McDreamy," Addison shrugs as if it wasn't a big deal.
"Mc?" Joe raises an eyebrow.
"It's just a thing we do at the hospital here, McNaming. It's sort of like my ex-husband Derek was McDreamy, and sometimes people called him a McBastard… And things spiraled from there." Addison shrugs again.
"I think I remember this now. Meredith threw in a few 'McNames' into your conversation but she was so drunk I wasn't sure if she was making sense to anyone," Joe says.
"I understood her," Addison says, in a way that made it sound like a much more profound statement than she had originally intended.
"You know, I think you really did, you were exactly the person she needed there for her at that moment. I don't think anyone else would have the same shraed experience to be able to know what she was feeling at that moment and to be able to comofort her." Joe says softly.
"The thing is, though, she was trying to comfort me the whole time. That's what kills me. She apologizes in a way that she takes on other people's burdens. She offered me a seat at the bar next to her as if she knew that my voice would break if I had to keep talking…" Addison says.
Then she takes a long sip of her Gin and Tonic now as she tries to reign herself in.
"So, aren't you at least a little bit curious about who your 'secret admirer' could be?" Joe asks her, cautiously.
"Not really. I'm like 97% sure I don't care." Addison says.
"I'm sort of hung up on someone else…" Addison admits, finally.
"I'm going to take a wild guess and say that this person is NOT your ex-husband?" Joe asks her, seriously.
"NO! NOT DEREK! NOT AGAIN!" Addison exclaims waving her arms around.
"He's a good guy, just not for me, that's all…" Addison says a little more calmly.
"Well, that's more interesting. Someone else catching your eye, I see," Joe plays along, even though he has an idea just who she is talking about.
"Are you going to give me any names?" Joe asks teasingly.
"No." Says Addison flatly.
"Ok. So do you want to talk, then?" Joe asks her.
"Why did you only call us one cab, me and Meredith, that night?" Addison asks him.
(It should have sounded like a change of topic, even if it actually isn't… Addison thinks to herself…)
(About how she's sort of only half telling the truth to Walter and Joe now.)
"They were backed up," Joe says the same thing to her, then.
"Bullshit!" Addison swears at him.
"Right. Well, I had a feeling she might have blacked out. She had a certain glazed over quiality to her eyes. You wouldn't have known that since you hadn't seen her druken before. But I had. And I didn't want to take any chances with her going home with someone who was going to take advantage of her in that state, or her not getting home safetly at all," Joe says to her simply.
"And how did you know I wasn't going to take advantage of her?" Addison asks him.
(Not because she would have. At that point, liking women was the farthest thing from her mind. And even if she had subconsciously known something about her attraction to girls, she would have NEVER slept with someone new while they were drunk. EVER. Not in a million years...)
(But she wanted to hear what Joe was going to say to her… So she listened.)
"Well, I know this might be kind of a strange answer, but you helped her when she had gotten sick. And that's not something people usually do for one-night hookups they hadn't even propositioned, yet" Joe tries to explain.
"I'm a DOCTOR. I deal with it all the time. Tomorrow, even I have these pyloric stenosis babies who- Well, anyways I'm a doctor. Instinct, that's all-" Addison tries to downplay the heroicism of her past actions.
"You helped her walk out of there. You had your arms around her but not in a creepy or suggestive way. Plus I mean you weren't divorced officially yet, and she had JUST been left behind by your ex-husband who she was dating or not dating right until that evening, so I didn't think much would happen between you two at that point. Plus you'd basically just met her…" Joe explains rather uncannily.
(Wow, has it really been that long since I've been to Joe's, last? Addison wonders. I guess it has because I havn't been here since that night with Meredith. And it's true, so much has happened and NOT HAPPENED between us since then; it's hard to remember that at that point our only conection was that Derek had been someoneto both of us or something, somehow… Back then…)
"Look, here's the thing. I'm a bartender. I've always been a bartender and a bar owner. And Walter has been by my side for a long time. We've seen things before. We have a lot of regrets from times when we'd wished we'd done a lot of things. But since then, we learned when we SHOULD do a lot of things…" Joe tries to explain to her.
"We know when someone is long past the gone…" Joe explains with a pang of sadness.
"Meredith was 'long past the gone' that night and you never SAID!?" Addison wants to shriek at him, now.
"We didn't know at the beginning, just after the last call when you cared for her. We're boys if you havn't noticed so we didn't want to go into the women's washroom to find you. And we weren't going to put her in a cab home by herself when she could hadly stand up" Joe keeps saying.
"But we weren't going to outright ask you, not because we were afraid you'd say no, but because we wanted to spare Meredith's dignity and her feelings at the time. That's why I nodded at you over her shoulder," Joe finally says.
"So it WAS on purpose!" Addison exclaims to her.
"There's a lot more to bartending than meets the eye, Addison," Joe says to her.
Walter pipes in then, to give the analogy of how surgeons check to make sure a patient has someone to pick them up after surgery before they begin.
"It's just the way it is, part of doing a good job. I'm proud of him, for stuff like this," Walter says, smiling up at Joe, now.
"You are good at your job…" Addison says to him idly.
"Look, I know alcohol and it affects people. Alcohol doesn't change people's instincts; it just increases them and lowers inhibitions. For you, we could already see there was a part of you that wanted to nurture her. You cared for her, plain and simple. So we figured you were someone she could grow into trusting… Even if, at that moment, the only person she needed to count on is you," Joe finally says to her.
"But what if I'm not actually someone she SHOULD grow into trusting?" Addison says all uncertainly to Joe.
"Why? Are you lying to her?" Joe asks her flat out.
"Well, I stil haven't told her the truth about what happened that night. She has no idea. I left her a note saying 'thanks for the memories' and a glass of water and aspirin. And she's basically her and her friend had this 'criminal minds' or 'csi' investigation about who the hell it could be. And Meredith still doesn't know…" Addison says.
"And do you want her to know? I mean you wanted to take her home to put her to bed. You're a strong, independant, and smart woman, Addison. If you didn't want to do it you would have said so," Joe says to her, and Addison knows he is right.
"Well, what if all that, it was the alcohol talking?" Addison resorts to.
"Alcohol usually makes people want to screw people too fast, not to carry them home to sleep." Joe says bluntly.
"Plus you didn't even know you were gay back then. So I don't think you were thinking about screwing her at the time..." Joe chuckles as he says this to her all a sudden.
"HOW DID YOU KNOW I AM GAY NOW?" Addison exclaims. Sure, she's come out to some people but not the entire city of Seattle…
"Gay news travels fast, welcome to the club…" Joe says simply to her.
"Did you always know I was gay? Or kinda gay? Or Bisexual? Or…."
(Addison trails off before she can say something stupid like 'did you always know I was GREY-SEXUAL…)
"97% sure. Upon first meeting you. And after only made us more and more sure." Joe deadpans.
"MORE SURE? HOW?" Addison is flailing again, which makes Joe take her drink away from her until she calms down and pouts until he gives it back to her.
"Well, even before that night, you were always friendly with women at the bar. And sometimes they would flirt with you. And I guess subconsciously sometimes you'd flirt back with them or at least respond to their flirting. Plus if women had their hands on you, even platonically, you kind of let them mold you under their touch, in a good way..." Joe delivers an assessment that is terrifyingly similar to Derek's.
Similar enough that Addison asks him that, flat out.
"No, Derek never talked to me about you," Joe says with a sigh, and then an apology.
(The 'never talked to me about you, EVER…' was implied. It should hurt, Addison thinks. It really should hurt that the ex-husband has never talked about the ex-wife at all. But it doesn't.)
"Look, as I was saying earlier, sure, the alcohol got you two talking, initially, maybe…" Joe trails off as if he's not sure of that answer, himself.
"But trust me, we would have called them two cabs if we thought you would try to sleep with Meredith Grey, or even kiss her that night, that night…" Joe finally sighs.
"Is Meredith…" Addison doesn't know the correct term to add to that question so she leaves it ambiguous.
"I don't talk about other people's sexual orientations with other people, except their own and mine… And also Walter's, but I'm allowed that one…" Joe says to her seriously.
"But I thought you said gay news travels fast?" Addison says.
"It does," Joe says. "But that doesn't mean that I spread that kind of gossip," Joe says to her kindly.
"Thanks," Addison says. "That's actually nice. But back to my question how did you know to trust me with Meredith if you had a hunch I could - would - was ? Into women or would be?"
"Look, even if we thought you might be kinda gay at that point, we knew that a bigger part of you would want to be her 'knight in shining...whatever'...much more than her drunken tequila lay." Joe explains with a smile to Addison.
"Knight in shining…?" Addison tries to finish the expression but she can't seem to find a better word than 'whatever', anyhow.
(Secretly, Addison really, REALLY liked the idea of being Meredith's 'knight in shining whatever'...)
(Well it's good to know you're a gentleman.)
(GENTLEWOMAN. BUT WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE GENDER CONFORMING OF STEREOTYPES? I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE FUN PART OF BEING QUEER.)
(You've been openly 'GREY-Sexual' - AHEM! - I mean 'bisexual' - for two seconds - maybe you're not such an expert for already…)
(BUT YOU LIKE THE SOUND OF IT! KNIGHT IN SHINING WHATEVER! LIKE A HERO! BUT SECRET! AND NOT HAVING TO WEAR AN UGLY KNIGHT'S ARMOR SET THAT'S TOO HEAVY TO MOVE IN ANYHOW…)
(You might be taking that expression a bit far out of proportion!)
(I wonder if Meredith is still coming to the bar tonight. She said she would be but where IS she?)
"Where IS she?" Addison doesn't realize she's said that out loud until Joe says he has no idea, either.
"You could call her if you're that concerned." Joe says.
"I don't have her number," Addison says, a bit dissapointed.
"Well, then I guess you're out of luck, then," Joe laughs.
But then Addison thinks about texting Cristina, so she gets out her phone and does just that.
Text Message, 20:30, Location: Seattle,
Skippy Gold to Cardio Goddess
SKIPPY
[Yo, Cardiogoddess, do you know where Grey is?]
[Is she coming to Joe's tonight?]
[When is she coming to Joe's?]
[IS IT SOON!?]
Skippy Gold sets her notifications for 'Cardio Goddess' to a different text tone.
Getting no response from Cristina, immediately, Addison goes back to drinking back another Gin and Tonic as she continues to look around longingly and asking Joe more questions.
"You know, of all the things you said, that he was pretty wise and thanks that's a high compliment, the trust thing. Yang said it too…"
Addison is clearly a bit tipsy now because she's bringing up Cristina Yang's name into the conversation.
He looks at her, then, and he finally says to her, before it's too late and she's too drunk to clearly remember him saying this to her:
"Look, no matter who she is to you, and what kind of relationship that is, either way, you treated Meredith that day, at least, much better than Derek ever did the whole time he was seeing her. You weren't around for that, then. But we were. And we were a bit worried when they went home together that first time, and even more afterward. But with you, we've never had those sorts of doubts…" Joe says as Walter nods along with him.
"You know, if I was like a God and I had to pick someone for Meredith to fall madly in love with, it would be you, you know," Walter says softly.
Walter hasn't spoken that much to Addison, ever. But the words he is saying to her now are the most magical and meaningful words he could ever say.
"If you were the one loving Meredith, you'd love her in a way that respected her more. She deserved more love than Derek or any boy she had been with had to offer her," he says.
And Addison somehow thinks that this phrase sounds vaguely familiar. Maybe HER memory of that night with Meredith wasn't as clear-cut as she thought.
When he says to HER 'we accept the love we think we deserve', "But we know YOU know that. We know that you think that for Meredith…"
That's the moment Addison remembers completely, and that she knows he remembers everything as well.
"For a while, I would deny myself these gay feelings. I never let myself feel them forever" Addison says.
"And it never seemed to matter… Until Meredith-"
Addison cuts herself off once she's realized she's actually confessed her feelings to someone who is conscious and not her ex-husband.
"FUCK!" Addison swears at herself.
"We won't tell. Swear to God!" Walter and Joe console her.
"Hey, we're basically you're Gay therapists who give you unsolicited advice and also alcohol. You look like you feel better once you start talking so if you want to keep talking, you can…" Walter says with a kind expression.
"Why don't I share a bit?" says Joe.
"I wasn't as out until I met Walter. And now we are happily married and might even want a kid someday. He says he gets it, I get it. Just take your time figuring out the Gay thing and the crush thing. And just try not to screw around in the process." Joe says.
"I've had a few struggles as an openly gay man, but that it's actually not been too bad at all and it's always getting better. It gets better, I promise" Walter says.
She asks him not to say anything. To let it all play out. So she can tell Mer herself Joe agrees wholeheartedly.
"We would never want to take this away from you. First love… It's exhilarating!"
"You know I've been MARRIED, right?" Addison deadpans.
"FIRST GAY LOVE THEN!" The cheers and Addison hushes them and tells them to stop yelling even though there's no one else in the bar.
"I'll have to work fast because Cristina already found out and now she's dating Izzie and so I don't want this to all blow up in my face. I should tell her today. Or at least approach the subject," Addison says to herself in a determined tone.
"Being open and in a relationship is also worth it and they had to come out and fight for their rights. Like marriage. Gay marriage." Walter smiles;
"Tell me you're not picturing marrying her already!" Joe says to her knowingly.
"SHIT!" Addison says in response to that...
"Not like, seriously considering! I swear! Just...daydreams... I must have zoned out again" Addison says with a bit of a slur, so Walter hands her a glass of water and makes sure that she drinks the whole thing before slowing down the rate at which he's giving her drinks again.
"Look, we're glad you seem to be having a breakthrough moment. Just take it on in pieces. Take small steps and you'll get there. And if you don't, you'll be okay. You have people who care about you, Addison. Don't ever think you don't. And if you really find yourself alone you can always come to talk to us and cry on the bar," Joe offers to her.
And it's just the perfect thing that Addison needed to hear today.
Addison has some deep thoughts in the middle of Joe's bar that evening.
In fact, she's so lost in thought she can hardly think of anything else, other than about asking Meredith Grey out and confessing her feelings to her.
Confessing everything to her...
('I have to tell her! I have to ask her out and say I'll tell her everything, or tell her everything and then ask her out, or I don't know. But in my drunken state now, I couldn't care less who this 'secret admirer' person or who anyone else is. At least 97% of my entire being wants Meredith Grey. And those are some pretty good odds…' Addison thinks to herself…)
(Addison does not pause to think for a second, that perhaps, the odds just might not be in her favor, tonight… Or would they be? )
Addison snaps her head around to see who has just walked into the bar.
Addison hopes with everything that she has that it's Meredith, but it isn't.
Instead, it's George O'Malley and Alex Karev.
So Addison just turns her back from them and focuses right back on her drink again as Joe and Walter go to serve other customers again.
Now that there're plenty more people in the bar, their 'true confessions' time was all over.
Addison was on her own...
The boys are laughing about something, all loud and boisterous. And Addison can't help but feel a little jealous at their carefree sexual arrangement.
('Because you'd love to be giving Meredith Grey that post-sex-haze look, right Addie?' says her brain.)
('Yeah but you'd also just like the easy companionship and togetherness too.' says the other half.)
('But you basically have that NOW, you get along great with Grey, it's just the whole more-than-friends part that's all really complicated' part of her brain argues.)
('Right. Because being a 'mystery person' and having a newfound 'secret admirer' isn't complicated on top of the whole Derek-Mark-Addison-Meredith love square or parallelogram or trapezoid or…')
('Addison you were never any good at geometry…')
As the boys arrive at Joe's after having many, many rounds of sex, they spy a woman wearing the very same scarf that they recognize.
"It's HER," Addison can hear someone say in a muffled voice but she can't discern who.
"Should we ask her out?" George and Alex whisper quietly to each other.
Each of them dares the other to go first, but eventually, it is Alex who steps up to the plate.
"Hello, there," he says in a loud voice.
"O'Malley?" Addison snaps her head around, recognizing her intern.
"Doctor Mongtomery-" George stammers a second.
"We were just admiring your red and green scarf," George blurts out truthfully.
"Oh, thanks," Addison smiles at him.
Addison is fond of O'Malley.
He seems like the type of person one might want around in a major life-changing life-threatening crisis.
"Can we see it?" George asks boldly.
If it had been Alex who had asked, she might have said no. But Addison says 'sure' to George, and soon enough he and Alex are examining it in a particular amount of interest.
"Are you interested in fabrics?" Addison asks them curiously.
"No, I just have a thing for women with red and green scarves" Alex smirks at her.
"NOT GONNA HAPPEN, KAREV!" Addison says to him sharply.
They're not at the hospital so Addison has no need to be subtle.
"Oh, don't say you don't wanna piece of this," Alex flirts with her overtly, causing George to bump into him on purpose.
"Look, on the other side of this life, maybe you might have said some line about not having a good dad and maybe I would have felt sorry for you and maybe I would have kissed you and even done other things like one time. But in THIS universe, I'm not gonna go there. I'm not going there with George, and I'm not going there with you. So you can stop all this Threesome bullshit or get the hell out of my sight!" Addison says to them bitterly.
"I have a question for you that's not about sex can I ask you?" George says to her sweetly.
"Sure?" Addison says hesitantly.
"Do you like welcome mats? Or doormats? A lot? Or a little? I'm just asking because my mom doesn't know shopping and…" George tries to think of a good way to put this to her.
"Not particularly, I almost tripped on Meredith's," Addison says bitterly.
"WHEN?" George exclaims at her hopefully.
"This afternoon, when we were picking up the cake, Grey lent you guys her car right so we drove mine to her house to get the cake that Izzie baked," Addison says to them with a shrug.
"Oh." Is all George O'Malley says?
"Would you say she has a nice doormat?" George asks again.
"Umm. I don't know I've never owned one," Addison says to him honestly.
"Really?" George asks.
"Well I live in - well I'm not telling you that but I don't have a doormat. And before that, I lived in a TRAILER with Derek when I first moved here. And that was like hell. And before that, there was the Brownstone and the Hampton's, and I didn't notice if they had doormats because Derek was the one who did the house decorations and I picked out all the clothes. So I hope that answers that question for you, O'Malley,' Addison says in a rant.
(If Meredith had been there to see this, she probably would have found it adorable that Addison was just rambling, and kinda sexy how bossy she gets when she's getting to the point…)
"Well, that's all we needed to know, um, have a good-, bye…" George trails off while Alex says to him "dude…" as he walks with him away.
So now Addison is ONCE AGAIN sitting at the bar by herself and watching the door like a hawk.
(God, this is what Meredith must have been feeling that day we had at the bar. I am more glad than ever I came to tell her Derek wasn't coming for her. I almost want to drown ten tequila's myself waiting for Meredith Grey to come. And we aren't even a thing yet!)
('YET'? Presumptuous, much, Addison?)
('SHUT UP YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE')
('Just saying…')
Addison sits there and waits and waits and waits…
She starts to worry about Meredith.
But she also starts to worry about Derek.
Just as his new 'just friend…'
Addison was starting to get a bit worried he might do something stupid, so she texts him a few times, and when she doesn't get an answer, she tries to call him a few times, also.
Meanwhile,
"FUCK THIS PIECE OF CRAP NOKIA!" Cristina is yelling at her phone.
"Totally dead?" Izzie asks her.
"100% not happening!" Cristina yells at it some more.
"Hey, can we consider this a GOOD THING?" Izzie says to her.
"What do you mean?" Cristina asks her.
"Like tonight, it can just be us. No texting. No phone calls. Just US" Izzie begs her.
"I understand what you mean, does that mean you're shutting off your phone too for the night?"
"Yeah, I think that it does," Izzie smiles up at Cristina.
(And Cristina is sort of relieved that she gets a real break from being some unhelpfulyoda matchmaker/counselor for her best friend and...Addison.)
(She finally gets her night to be with her new… Girlfriend? Who knows - MAYBE SOON!)
"How did you know to come to this Italian place on Bank Street? It's AMAZING!" Cristina says enthusiastically.
"A friend suggested it, that's all" Izzie says to her cryptically.
(Not wanting to say 'Addison Forbes Montgomery' actually… The moment she knew I liked you…)
"Oh, sweet. Well, I'm getting the spaghetti, want to share a garlic bread?" Cristina asks her.
"Yeah!" Izzie says.
And they do the cute thing where they suck spaghetti noodles at the same time and kiss in the middle.
They actually pull it off… twice during the entire dinner after lots and lots of practice.
"Good thing you packed extra clothes," says Cristina.
"Well, it wasn't like you were going to be the organized one, HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR ROOM!" Izzie teases.
"Well, I know where my picture of YOU is," Cristina smiles at her.
"Ah, ok, you got me there," Izzie finally says.
"Am I your girlfriend?" Cristina asks her seriously.
"Do you want to be MY girlfriend?" Izzie asks her seriously as well.
"Well, I do, but I know we haven't had sex yet, but we do seem to have chemistry and I really do like you…" Cristina says wide and vulnerable.
"I really like you too, you're so smart and wild," Izzie says.
"I think we should talk about it, like what do you need from me, to be your girlfriend?" Izzie asks in a very mature way.
"From you, I think I need you to not only wear underwear around your shared house because it makes me get jealous and not in a good way,' Cristina says to her.
"And of course, to know that I'm never going to date Mer but I'm always going to be her person,
Cristina says.
"That can definitely be arranged," says Izzie.
"What do you need from me, to be your girlfriend?" Cristina asks in a very mature way as well.
"Well, the same thing about me being George's person, and also at times, Alex's," Izzie says as Cristina nods.
"But I also want to know what you're thinking when I talk about Meredith and Addison's keys. I know you're keeping secrets from me for good reason. But if we're going to be in a relationship, I don't want to feel like I'm on the outside of things," Izzie says.
"Izzie…" Cristina sighs a bit.
"I told you everything I know about it. And I know you're holding back. I'm not going to tell Meredith or Addison anything. Or anyone else. But right here, it's just us. And I need that, otherwise, I don't know if I can trust you," Izzie says.
"You're right that you've always been truthful to me," Cristina says.
"I can keep a secret, Cristina. I was a secret MODEL until Alex pasted underwear pictures of me all over the walls," Izzie laughs to lighten the mood.
"I kept one, you know. It got me thinking of you," Cristina finally admits to her.
"I knew it!" Izzie says as if in a revelation. "But keep talking about this Addison and Meredith thing… Because I really want to know!" Izzie says.
And Cristina finally decides that seeing as Izzie knows practically the whole story already, and that Cristina has held out on her for ages, and that she's exhausted, and that she shouldn't have to choose to give up her own happiness for her friends' "hypothetical love is not dead" theatrics…
Cristina finally decides to come clean to her.
With more of it.
Most of it.
Anyways…
"Wow, so Addison did all that for Meredith, and Meredith thinks it's a whole other person?" Izzie finally says to her.
"Plus they sort of seem to be falling for each other anyway, and this whole mystery is just getting in a goddamned way. Ironic, isn't it? Cristina sighs.
"And Meredith doesn't know what happened that night?" Izzie says as Cristina nods.
Cristina decides not to tell Izzie the details of the evening, because she decides that part is only for Meredith and for Addison.
She just says that she knows, and when the time is right they'll tell each other.
And whatever the fallout, they'll be there for their friends.
"So I was right about the key thing, then?" Izzie says.
"You were right about it. I didn't even notice those things that you noticed. You're a pretty good detective, yourself," Cristina says to Izzie.
"Hey, learned from the best," says Izzie to Cristina.
"I have a plan, to help them hopefully speed things along and make the right choice for the right reasons. Are you maybe in? Cristina says to Izzie.
"Oh, I am so, so, in!" Izzie says.
And they begin their conversation which would last for another while into the evening.
"You know, you're like my 'knight in shining whatever," Cristina finally says to Izzie.
"Why is that?" Izzie asks her. "You've always been the strong one!"
"I never would have let myself in if it wasn't someone with such empathy as you. You're my opposite. I'm a robot but you care like crazy. And I really like that," says Cristina.
"You're like the smartest person ever I want to be like you, too," says Izzie.
Which would be followed by Cheesecake, which they would share with one fork, before kissing, walking and talking, hand in hand, all the way to Joe's Bar, later that evening...
Meanwhile,
George and Alex go out for fries.
Mostly because they want to eat fries, but also because they want to talk about things they can't talk about in the middle of Emerald City Bar.
"So, now we know that Addison has the exact same scarf that person snooping around our house did," George begins.
"Who knows?" says Alex. "Do you think she's having an affair with Cristina or Izzie?" he asks.
"No, those two are so close and Addison is their friend. I don't think she would do that to either of them," George says.
"Even if Montgomery kissed Yang?" Alex adds.
"That was only one time for truth or dare. Plus it was more Cristina kissing Addison," says George.
"Do you think she's banging Mer?" Alex asks George in all seriousness.
"Are you asking me if I think Addison who used to be Shepherd, is having an affair with her ex-husband's ex-girlfriend/mistress… in OUR HOUSE… Sneaking around in broad daylight under the scarf she told us all about?" George says to him skeptically.
"Yeah, that's probably stupid," says Alex. "Even if she did have an affair before…" he adds.
"People can change you know," says George (Hopefully… about Alex's past as a player…).
"Yeah, once a cheater always one isn't fair," says Alex. "I wonder who the boy she banged is though, and if he's hot or a doctor or if I could learn from him…" says Alex.
"We're off topic now, let's focus on the fact that scarf person and Addison both have red, red, hair," says George before he gets jealous of the thought of his… Alex wanting to have some sort of thing with Addison Montgomery's nonexisting to them (yet?) former dirty mistress boy, Mark Sloan.
"And that she sort of looks like her, too, scarf girl and Addison are the same height" Alex adds. "AND CAN YOU BELIEVE ADDISON DOESN'T WANT SEX WITH US!" He says with a deadpan.
"Well, it's her loss. Besides I'd worry she'd enjoy you too much, Alex," George says to him.
And that's the closest George has come, thus far, to acknowledging any deeper feelings for Alex.
"You know, when your mom gave me three bowls of soup, I've never been treated that good by any mom ever, in my life, not even my own mom," Alex says to him.
And that's the closest Alex has come, thus far, to acknowledging any deeper feelings for George.
"Fries will be 30 minutes, only one of you has to wait though," the cook says to them an apology.
"I'll stay," George says to Alex.
(George wants to say more, or articulate that it's nice that he's being the gentleman in the relationship, now.)
(Usually, Alex was the one doing that, but today he just felt like he wanted to be more…)
(Is it called chivalry? Or cavalry? The one about being someone's 'knight in shining whatever…' George can't remember… But by the time he tries he hasn't said anything at all)
"Thanks, dude," Alex says to him in a grin.
(Alex wants to say something like, 'do you wanna go steady or some shit?')
(But he can't seem to figure out a smooth enough way to say it…)
(So he doesn't… this time. At least.)
Meanwhile,
Addison had thought to herself that tonight was the night;
That, someone, was about to be heartbroken, and someone was about to be saved.
And so far, this evening, she seemed like she was the one who could be saved…
IF ONLY MEREDITH GREY WOULD SHOW UP!
So they could finally talk it all through with each other…
But each time Addison looked up, it was someone who was not Meredith.
PRESTON BURKE AND RICHARD WEBBER STOP BY THE BAR AND ALL TRY TO TALK WITH HER.
(Ugh, if she wasn't so annoyed with her fellow Attending colleagues at this moment…)
Addison puts in a good word for Cristina to Burke professionally at the bar when Burke shows up there. He only nods.
Richard Webber just says he's proud of Addison for the party.
Addison wants to stop talking with them now entirely, so she decides to say goodnight.
She makes something up about checking up on Derek and John the patient and they believe her.
So she says bye to the attendings and Joe and Walter as if she isn't coming back, just so that they don't follow her out and ask her more annoying questions.
Addison has to go for a long walk alone to process her chat with Joe before she could stand waiting for Meredith alone at the bar again...
Addison eventually does walk back to the hospital to check on Derek because he isn't answering any of her calls and she's worried he's passed out in his office on scotch.
As Derek never shows to Joe's so she wants to make sure he's ok.
And he is when Addison gets there.
He's still talking with John, who says that he's staying another while just until he can get his ex-boyfriend's family in. There was some sort of delay, so Addison says good luck and they will chat more another time.
Addison stays with Derek and John for a little while to make sure Derek is okay, before saying she has to go back to the bar.
"Are you going to talk to Meredith?" Derek asks her.
"Yeah, I'm going to talk to Meredith," Addison says with confidence to him, and a wink to John at the same time so he knows she means she's going to REALLY talk to her, or at least try to.
"Good luck with that," Derek says to her. And he seems to really, really mean it.
Addison asks Derek if he has Meredith's number, but Derek says he doesn't he deleted it out of spite and doesn't remember.
Addison sighs at this and smiles at him.
And Derek says "thanks for coming to check up on me," to Addison.
She mutters he wouldn't pick up his phone and she has the habit of worrying over him. And he just shrugs unapologetically as Addison mumbles about actually checking in on John as well.
Addison considers calling Joe to tell him to buy a drink for Meredith on her while she waits, as she walks out of the hospital.
But then Addison figures it'll only be a ten-minute walk, anyhow.
And this way Addison could surprise Meredith in person.
Would the odds be in her favor, tonight, that Meredith would still be waiting for her by the time she had gotten back? Or would she already be gone again…?
Meanwhile,
Sometime AFTER Addison has left the bar for the FIRST TIME that evening,
But BEFORE Addison ever arrives at the bar for a SECOND TIME, that evening…
Meredith has some deep thoughts on the way into Joe's bar in Addison's car that evening.
In fact, she's so lost in thought she can hardly think of anything else, other than about asking Addison Montgomery out and confessing her feelings to her.
Confessing everything to her...
('I have to tell her! I have to ask her out and say I'll tell her everything, or tell her everything and then ask her out, or I don't know. But in my excited state now, I couldn't care less who this goddamn 'mystery person' or who anyone else is. At least 97% of my entire being wants Addison Montgomery. And those are some pretty good odds…' Meredith thinks to herself…)
(Meredith does not pause to think for a second, that perhaps, the odds just might not be in her favor, tonight… Or would they be? )
By the time that Meredith enters Joe's bar, later on in the evening, she thought her friends George and Alex would be already having the times of their lives playing darts with each other and trying to beat their high score, but she can't seem to see George, anywhere.
By the time that Meredith enters Joe's bar, later on in the evening, Joe and Walter are having a rather intimate conversation with each other, and even some of the Attendings were having a drink there and mingling.
By the time that Meredith enters Joe's bar, later on in the evening, Meredith looks around left and right, up and down to find Addison. She thinks maybe she should look for her friends, Cristina and Izzie because she doesn't see them either.
So she shoots them a text to ask how they are doing before she wanders around the bar sort of aimlessly, receiving no text back from either of the girls in response. She's trying to be subtle, but Meredith is really only looking for Addison. She's wondering why she isn't here because she said she would be, and eventually, she sits at the bar in a huff, feeling completely dejected.
Meredith doesn't remember feeling this dejected, waiting for someone that night at the bar who promised that they'd be coming since she'd asked DEREK to wait for her at Joe's that one time. And somehow, this doesn't feel any different, it feels even worse to be truthful.
Because that time she'd said 'pick me, choose me, love me,' to Derek and he hadn't said a word to her after and had not really promised he'd come. But this time she was wearing Addison's lipstick and her beautiful outfit Addison had picked out for her.
And Addison wasn't even HERE for her. How could she do this to Meredith? How could she do this to her! How could she not show up? Was this some stupid joke between her and her husband? That they would both stand her up.
Meredith doesn't remember much of what happened that night after her first couple shots made her blackout completely. That blackout was a solace that at least she didn't have to deal with the humiliation of Derek standing her up.
But Meredith can't drink herself under the table, this time. She can't drink away her pain with lime and salt and WAY too much tequila. She can't drown herself in the alcohol and hope to a God she doesn't know if she believes in that some 'mystery person' will carry her home again.
Meredith can't do any of those things because she's on call for Bailey. FOR ADDISON, actually, and she thinks that it's ridiculous she's doing Addison a favor and she isn't even showing up here on her night where she doesn't even have to work so she can't be at the hospital.
Meredith calls Walter over to Walter, eventually, because Joe is caught up in a conversation somewhere and she asks him for a vanilla soda with extra ice and extra cherries because it's the fanciest thing she's even allowed to have on this evening.
Plus it makes Meredith think of Izzie's cake and more importantly about the cherry and vanilla lollipops that she and Addison had had...
Meredith thinks back to what she thought only that morning, that today was going to be like 'the end of the world' for someone, somehow.
And she had thought at that moment that it would be one of HER 'lovers'; either her 'mystery lover' or Addison who would be walking away from her, out in the rain, alone and without any more answers.
She had not thought that it would be HER, hurt and angry and abandoned, for the SECOND TIME since meeting Mr. and Mrs. McDreamy and meeting than not remembering 'McMystery' and everything else that had happened to her and her friends in this godforsaken Seattle...
"Meredith" A figure approaches the intern from behind as she's sitting there drinking her vanilla soda with cherries for the evening.
"You're not Addison,"
Meredith says annoyedly before she even looks up to see that the person behind her, not only is it certainly not Addison but it is one of the other four people might have expected to greet her with her own name that night at the bar.
"I'm not Addison," says Alex Karev with a smirk.
He's standing there, hovering, dressed in his 'party clothes' or whatever and all this seems to just annoy Meredith more.
"Where IS Addison?" Meredith insists.
And she's sure she's about lost it now because if Addison didn't come to meet her at the bar then surely she shouldn't be at 'home' with her ex-husband - WOULD SHE? because that's the whole point of her divorce so that she didn't have to be at home with him being his McWife. And she shouldn't be at the hospital, either, right, because that was the whole point in her doing that secret favor of staying on call at Bailey's request, on Addison's service for pyloric stenosis babies...
And so surely Addison should be standing right behind her in this godforsaken place - and happy to see her in the OUTFIT THAT ADDISON HAD HANDPICKED OUT FOR HER AND SAID SHE COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE ON HER...And without her godforsaken divorced husband or ex-husband or whoever, he was to her - to him - to whomever.
"She should be coming," Meredith says to Alex in a huff.
"She should be coming," Alex says flatly.
"I FUCKING KNOW THAT ALEX" Meredith deadpans at him with a glare.
And the compassion in HIS voice is carrying over into HIS speech now and it's making Meredith even more confused. Why on earth would Alex be standing right behind her, sounding sad about being HER being alone? Why is he here without George on this disgustingly rainy evening - when he could be holed up who knows where his arms or something sickly un-domestic and un-refined like what real Evil-Spawn would do just like people with hardly even real jobs and real friends-with-benefits arrangements in their lives, do.
"How did YOU even know she was supposed to be coming?" Meredith asks and she's not entirely sure why Alex Karev is still answering the long list of questions because it's not like he's ever cared to answer any of Meredith Grey's questions before.
"She told me," Alex says simply as if that says it all.
"YEAH AND SHE TOLD ME THAT TOO, MORE THAN SHE TOLD YOU I BET. AND I BET SHE TOLD ME FIRST. AND I BET SHE TOLD ME BETTER. AND WHERE THE HELL IS GEORGE AND WHY IS HE NOT WITH YOU!"
Meredith exclaims all of this frustratedly at Alex, now. Because Meredith is upset that Alex would talk about Addison like he knows something she doesn't about her and she really does want to know where George is.
"He's getting the fries. Can I sit with you?" Alex motions at Meredith's purse which is currently saving the seat right beside Meredith as he offers to move it for her.
"No. Don't move that. Don't sit there next to me now. I'm saving that seat for Addison. If she ever bothers to freaking show up and see this new outfit and makeup I have on. I mean, not just because of Addison but because of, well I wanted to. So just bring me some fries when George gets here," Meredith huffs at Alex now.
So Alex saunters away from Meredith now, picking up his drink from the counter and leaving.
And Meredith pulls out her phone and sends a text to Cristina.
Text Message, 21:30, Location: Seattle,
Meredith 'twisted sister' Grey to Cristina 'my person' Yang
MEREDITH
[Hi, Cristina, do you know where Addison is?]
[Is she coming to Joe's tonight?]
[When is she coming to Joe's?]
[IS IT SOON!?]
Meredith Grey sets her notifications for 'Cardio Goddess' to a different text tone.
But she figures Cristina must be on a date with Izzie Stevens because she doesn't reply.
And as much as that annoys her, she tries to feel happy for her friends on a date.
('HA!' You wish YOU were on a date with a leggy and fabulous redhead…)
So instead, Meredith ends up talking with Walter and Joe.
Still waiting, and waiting, and wishing, and hoping, for Addison to finally arrive.
"Is Addison coming?" Meredith asks Joe and Walter.
"She was already here," Joe says to her honestly.
"She got the 'secret admirer drink' and she drank it," Joe tells Meredith now.
"For what it's worth, she didn't know it was YOU, who sent it or didn't say that…" Joe explains.
"And she LEFT?" Meredith exclaims at him, focusing on Addison's abrupt departure.
"She said she had to go check in on Derek, something about him talking with a patient named John?" Walter asks, hoping this will mean something to Meredith, somehow.
"IS SHE COMING BACK?" Meredith asks them.
"I don't know?" Joe looks at her sympathetically, wishing he could give her the 'yes,'
"She just said bye to Preston Burke and Richard Webber and also me and Walter when she left, that's all she said…" Joe says to her and she wonders whether Meredith would cry.
He thought that Addison was finally going to talk to Meredith and tell her everything, but she left before Meredith arrived and she had said she was checking in on her ex-husband…
So maybe the odds weren't in their favor, after all, after everything, tonight...
('Is she coming back for ME… Meredith thinks to herself... Or will I be ditched here as Derek ditched me, while Ms. McDreamy goes to console her EX-HUSBAND she was so intent on leaving… Or so I thought… What if she secretly wants him back after all that…)
(What if she never wanted me to begin with and this is some sick joke about making him jealous enough to love her again?)
(What if she never wanted anything to do with me at all?)
(What if this was all a stupid McLIE!)
Meredith had thought to herself that tonight was the night;
That, someone, was about to be heartbroken, and someone was about to be saved.
And so far, this evening, she seemed like she was the one who could be saved…
IF ONLY ADDISON MONTGOMERY WOULD SHOW UP!
So they could finally talk it all through with each other...
(If she was even coming to Joe's to meet Meredith at all after she'd promised she would…)
(But she'd been made THAT promise before, by the other Doctor McDreamy.)
(Meredith had always thought that Addison would be better than this, that she would never stand someone up at a bar… She thought she was better than Derek.)
(She was even starting to think at like, a good 97% that Addison, rather than Derek or this goddamned 'mystery person' could be her ONE…)
(And she's trying not to wonder about this 'mystery person' again and if they would become relevant and show up in her life all the sudden just because she was at Joe's bar again.)
(What if they'd been waiting here for her on the nights she hadn't been here?)
(If they show up now before Addison, what would that mean to her about Addison? Would she choose? And who and how would she ever decide between these two probably great possibilities? She's really freaking out now...)
Now Meredith sits and stares at the empty barstool beside her, the one she had once reserved exclusively for Derek, and now had reserved exclusively for Addison…
And now Addison had left the bar to GO CHECK ON DEREK.
As if this were all some fucked up story of twists and turns and irony, and the joke was on HER, apparently.
She wonders if every McDreamy or 'mystery person' she would ever meet would abandon her, each of them, just like her father once had abandoned her family when she was only five fucking years old.
She wonders if she could ever find love again… Or if she ever even had it at all.
Meredith was wearing Addison's lipstick for heck's sake and it said to her 'elevator love letter…'
Meredith wonders if that means anything to her at all, or if it ever had...
Meredith wonders bitterly, to herself, if she should even or should not, have bought Addison that drink earlier, over the phone call to Joe, 'from her secret admirer', after all...
***** END OF CHAPTER 31
Author's Note 2:
Well, this chapter ended up being a lot of angsty content and longer than I thought!
*Sigh*, yes I know, I like a slow burn… (SORRY!)
Also, I like Dramatic Irony (Where the audience knows more than the characters.)
And I also like side plots, apparently.
So here's the setup for the next one, and I hope you'll keep staying tuned.
Please let me know what you think of this one!
(Yeah I know it's not as 'sexy' as the others or as 'fluffy'... But it's a nod to the humble beginnings of this story. And I think there's some depth to the processing of their past traumas that needed to happen around now.)
EEK! Have a great one, everyone.
THANKS FOR READING, LEAVE A NOTE, IT WILL MAKE MY DAY :D
Yours, truly, bobbiejelly