Souji took Haruhi by the hand and this time, no one stopped him. He took her upstairs to his quarters and closed the shoji.
« Why are you taking me here ? » she asked, confused « I'm not gonna lay with you if that's what you expect. »
« No. » he chuckled « Besides, we're in a middle of a party, it wouldn't be proper. I just don't want Shin or anyone spying on our conversation. The stairs crack, if anyone comes near, I'll hear. »
Haruhi nodded, flushed, and waited for Souji to speak but that didn't seem to be in his plans anymore.
« So ? » she asked, out of patience « I thought you needed to explain. »
« Yeah... » he said, passing a hand in his mane « I thought so too, but now I'm here, it's hard to find out where to start... Give me a second. » he stayed silent for a moment and deeply sighed « I messed up. »
« That's a cute way to put it. » she commented with a frown.
« I thought I could have it all. » he continued, unfazed « I wanted to do my duty to Kondou, to make him proud from the afterlife because I was walking in his steps. It has been so easy for Tsune to manipulate me that it makes me wanna kill someone, preferably her. I thought I could still have you even if I were to marry Tama since there was nothing between her and me. I thought you'd understand that I would put you above her, because I loved you and I couldn't be without you and that we could be happy together, even if Tama was there. I've lost you a first time and it killed me. When you returned, I didn't even question my choices. I was happy you came back to your senses and that you could be with me. I've been a selfish bastard. I couldn't see it then, blinded by my duty and conflicted with my love for you. In my head, at that moment, you were the one hurting me, refusing to acknowledge the obligations I had, and only thinking about your own happiness. »
« How dare you say this ?! » she yelled.
« Wait, Haruhi ! » he said, sighing « sorry, the words just... I'm trying to apologize and I got carried away. I don't mean it was your fault, just that at that moment, I was thinking it. I was thinking you were abandoning me when I needed you the most. But in the end, I was the selfish one. Although I wanted to put you above Tama, to share my life with you and not with her, I married Tama, not you. I hurt you and I hurt her. »
Souji paused and remained silent for a moment, trying to organize his thoughts. Haruhi could see the exercise was hard for him. Souji wasn't really the kind of man to apologize about anything. It was already a miracle that he could open up so much, alone with her. If they had stayed with the others, never those words would have passed the barrier of his lips. He would have made jokes and mean comments, harass Haruhi to marry him but she wouldn't have had all this monologue that he seemed to need to get out of his heart. Souji was always more human, more talkative and open, when they were only the two of them. He could let down his armor of villainous jokster around her.
« After the wedding... I lost you for the second time and it wasn't easier. I was still seeing you every day and it was both a relief and painful. I saw how you were looking at me, like if you were broken, for real this time, and I was the asshole who broke you. I knew I had no right on you anymore and I hid my shame behind... well, you know... my usual despicable attitude. For Tama too, it was a nightmare. She was married to a man who wouldn't stop comparing her to you. Nothing she could do or say was enough for me to be satisfied. I tried to be nice to her, make her more comfortable, act like any husband, but my eyes wouldn't lie. She wasn't you. »
« When did you decide to divorce ? » asked Haruhi, crossing her arms.
« This morning. » he chuckled.
« That's quick for a wedding proposal. » she stated.
« When I realized that my memory loss was only linked to you, and my death obviously, I realized Tsune lied to me. I was so... angry... To have been manipulated that way that I lost my mind and then took my decision to take revenge and divorce. It was so easy by the way. Without conception of our first child, it's almost as if we've never been married. We're not even considered divorced. »
« How can you be so sure ? » she frowned « you've been married a bit more than a month. Tama could be pregnant already. »
« If Tama's pregnant then I'd be curious to know where the child comes from because it's clearly not from me. » he chuckled.
« You were with her this fucking morning ! »
« What ? » he widened his eyes before he understood and laughed « no, I didn't fuck Tama this morning. Nor any morning of evening since we've been wed. I just wanted to be able to talk to her without being disturbed. I needed to know if she was happy with this marriage and if she would oppose divorce and adoption. Marrying her was my mistake but that didn't give me the right to abandon her like an used toy. She's still Kondou's daughter and I respect her. »
Haruhi squeezed her eyes, distrustful, trying to figure out the truth in Souji's eyes. Yet, he seemed to be so assured that she decided to believe him.
« There still was the wedding night. » she stated « Tama could be one month pregnant. For a first pregnancy and considering her ignorance on that particular matter, it wouldn't be surprising that she doesn't know it yet. »
« No way. » he shook his head, uncomfortable « Tama can't be pregnant, even from that night. »
« Souji, may I remind you that I was waiting for you that night ? » she frowned « I was there. I know it happened. You told me. You wouldn't have lied to me about it. »
« Don't think about it. » he furrowed his brows, blushing a little while avoiding her gaze.
« I have to think about it ! » she protested « because if I marry you and then it turns out your adopted daughter is pregnant with YOUR child, we're gonna have a problem ! »
« So you're gonna marry me ? » he asked with a teasing smile.
« That's not the main point ! » she yelled « Fuck... » she muttered, holding her head in her palm. That argument was exhausting... That whole evening... That whole day was exhausting. Too many informations for her little head.
« Okay... » sighed Souji, a trace of blush on his cheeks « That night... That night I was pretty drunk. I joined Tama as expected of me and I tried to make it pleasant for her. I did go all the way with her so, technically, she's no virgin anymore but... I was so drunk and my mind was so occupied with you waiting in our bed that... It was taking too long okay ? »
« I don't understand what you're telling me... » confessed Haruhi.
« I faked it. » He spurted out, crossing his arms, flushed « right, I said it. You're happy ? It's not impotence, okay ?! It just can happen when we're very drunk. We can go on for hours and we're bored and there's no release and we fake it to end it. Girls aren't the only ones faking... »
Haruhi exploded in laughter to see Souji so embarrassed by his confession. She never saw him that flushed before. He really seemed conflicted, angry, ashamed... A man's wounded pride really was something.
« You tell anyone, I'll fucking kill you. » he threatened as Haruhi had problems calming herself.
« Sure... » she chuckled « So okay, no heir, I understand... »
« If you keep mocking me, I'm gonna put my sword through your throat. » he warned.
« Okay, okay... » she muttered, trying to calm her laughter « fine, see ? It's over. »
« Thank you. » he muttered, uneasy.
Haruhi got closer and clenched her hands on his kimono, smiling up to him.
« I love you, Souji. » she stated.
« I know... » he smiled in return « I'm sorry I've been such a moron... Can I get a second chance ? »
« You already know I can't resist you... » she sighed, burying her face in his chest.
« Really ? » he chuckled « because you seemed pretty talented at resisting me this past month. »
Haruhi was taking deep breaths, filling herself with Souji's scent and warmth. His skin was just there, under that kimono... Souji let her, bringing a hand to her hair so he could carress them carefully, without destroying her bun.
« So... Are you okay to marry me ? You still haven't given me an answer and I'm starting to get anxious. »
« You don't want to seize the day, now that you regained your freedom ? » she asked, chuckling.
« No way. » he shook his head « I'm too old. I need a young and pretty wife to take care of me and I'm pretty sure you'll do. Besides, if I waited, you probably would have married Shiranui-chan and that is something I refuse to see happening. »
« I wouldn't have married Daisuke... » she flushed, looking up to Souji's amused gaze.
« Poor boy... » he whispered « He really is missing something... »
Souji leaned over and kissed her with a kiss full of promises like the one he gave her on Kondou's grave. Except that this time, they weren't lies. They really had the chance to spend the rest of their life together, to belong to each over and to build something together. It was electrifying and a lot too blissful for Haruhi's mind, which started spinning with elation and confusion.
« I need to stop there. » whispered Souji when he broke the kiss « otherwise I'll never be able to let you go back downstairs... I still expect an answer though, I can't let you go without one and I have a lot of ideas and means to make you talk... I suggest you don't play with my patience. »
That voice was enthralling and smoking hot, making her want to do the exact opposite and test the limits of Souji's patience. Yet, they were in the middle of a party and she couldn't let everyone wait forever.
« Hum... Souji... » she said, embarrassed « I'm... I'm not sure I would be a good wife... »
« Your cooking is shit. » he nodded « but that's not why I'm marrying you. »
« No, that's not what I meant... » she replied, ashamed « I'm... I'm not sure... I think I can't have children... »
« Is that all your thing about being broken again ? » he smiled, reassuring her « It's fine, Haruhi... There's nothing broken... »
« No... I... » she blushed « fuck, you're gonna hate me... »
« Why ? » he asked, confused.
« I... I took the herbs that kill... » she muttered, avoiding his eyes « when... after the matsuri, when you told me you were gonna marry Tama... I took them and it didn't really go well. I'm sorry... »
« Wait a second... » whispered Souji, lifting her chin up so she would look at him « You were with child ? »
« Yes... » she confessed.
« From me ? » he asked again.
Who fucking else, you moron ?
« Yes. » she nodded, tears pearling at her eyes.
Souji took a step back to look at her. There were so much emotions agitating his body than it was hard to decipher which one was the strongest.
« Shit... » he whispered, looking down on her, under her obi.
« You can be mad at me... » she cried softly « I didn't tell you and I was so sad and angry, I took the herbs and there was so much blood and I think I'm broken for real now so... You see, I wouldn't be a good wife... »
« Shit... » repeated Souji, still in his moment of dullness.
« I'm so sorry ! » she cried and Souji took her back in his arms.
« It's me... » he whispered, stroking her hair « It's me who's sorry, Haru-chan. I made you do this, I abandoned you... I should have noticed... It didn't even cross my selfish mind. »
« So you see now... You... You can't marry me... » she sobbed « you told me... You wanted children so... If I can't bear, I'm of no use. »
« Yare Yare... » he patted her head with a smile « I'm not really into babies anyway and I have a lot of children already as a sensei. I don't need ones of my blood that bad. Although, if it does happen, I would be happy too. Only thing I need is you, Haru-chan. »
« You say that now... » she started.
« And I mean it. Please stop this thing you're doing all the time, putting that much pressure on yourself. » he said « just try to be happy and please, do it with me. »
« With you ? » she sobbed again.
« I wonder how many times I need to ask you to marry me for you to finally agree... » he sighed with a smile « come on, say yes so we could go back downstairs. Shiranui-chan is gonna think I'm holding you prisoner. »
« O... Okay... » she said, wiping her tears.
« Say it. » he grinned.
« Say what ? » she asked.
« I wanna hear you say it. »
« I... I'll marry you. » she blushed.
« About time ! » he chuckled « now comes the hard part. »
« W... What hard part ? » she asked, confused.
« We are gonna travel and try not to get killed by Hajime-kun when I'll ask for your hand. » he chuckled again playfully.