Dance with Me!

Jake was playing with his three kids when he heard the doorbell ring. As he went to answer, he saw Rosa standing alongside an obviously drunk Amy.

'Hey,' greeted Jake, 'you guys left the party early, huh?'

'Yeah, well the bachelorette has a child so we had to call it a night early. Plus, your wife is super drunk,' Rosa explained. The party they were talking about was Genevieve's bachelorette party. Genevieve had invited Amy, Rosa, and Gina too.

'Hey, babe,' Amy said in a sultry manner.

'Oh, my God! Pervert and horny Amy! Ugh, this is not good!' Jake said.

'What? Like any other drunk version of Amy is good?' Rosa asked.

'No, but the kids are awake! They can't hear all the weird things that come out of Four-Drink-Amy's mouth!'

'You know how we have kids?' Amy started speaking again, 'It's 'cause we had sex! Except for Liz, someone else had sex. Maybe we should do it the way Liz's actual parents did it!'

'No, no, no! This is bad, real bad!'

'Come on, babe,' Amy said as she leaned forward to kiss him. But before their lips could meet, she ran inside, covering her mouth, most probably to throw up.

'Well, at least she'll go one step down,' Jake said to Rosa. After Rosa left, Jake went inside to find their children confused.

'Daddy, why was Mommy running to the bathroom?' Mac asked.

'Oh, she's not feeling well,' Jake said.

'And why was she covering her mouth?'

'Like I said, she's not feeling well, she probably had to throw up.'

'Will she come and tuck us in bed?' Liz asked.

'Well, I'm not sure, Liz,' Jake replied. Then he realized it would probably be best if their kids went to bed early instead of seeing another version of their drunk mother. 'You know what? You should all go to bed now. I'll tuck you in,' Jake advised.

'But what about Mommy?'

'I'm sorry, Liz but Mommy isn't feeling good today. You can meet her tomorrow morning.'

Just then Amy entered the room. She had gone down one level on the drunkenness scale, i.e. Three-Drink-Amy or Amy-dance-pants, and Jake's attempt to get their kids to bed was thwarted. Amy danced into the room, swinging her arms wildly and dancing the best she could. 'There you all are! Come and dance!' she exclaimed. The kids had never seen anything weirder. Just as Jake was about to stop Amy, he got a call. When he looked at who it was, he saw that it was Gina.

'Hey, Gina,' he answered.

'Jake? Why'd you answer your phone?' Gina asked.

'What?' asked Jake, not understanding the question.

'You're supposed to be having wild sex with your drab of a wife, boy.'

'What has gotten into you?'

'I made sure Amy was gonna be horny by the end of the night so that you could enjoy.'

'What? Well, whatever, it didn't work anyway.'

'Huh?'

'She threw up. Now she's one level down and dancing.'

'Bitch! What is wrong with you? I was being a good friend! Can't even take a gift! That's the last time I'm helping you, dumbass! I can't – '

Jake hung up before Gina finished her rant.

'Jake, come on! Dance with me! We're gonna have to dance in a month at the wedding! Liz, you wanna dance, right?' Amy asked their youngest.

'Um….' The little girl had no idea what to say. She always agreed with her mother but Amy was being really weird now. Amy decided to play Taylor Swift on her phone, knowing none of them could resist. But only Liz and Harry joined her as Mac got even more confused and Jake sighed with exasperation.

'Daddy?' Mac called.

'Yeah, Mac?' Jake responded, his head still in his hands.

'I thought you said Mommy was not feeling well. So, why is she smiling and dancing?'

Jake sighed again as he turned to his son. They hadn't really explained about being drunk, let alone Amy's drunkenness scale, to their kids. But now was probably as good a time as any. 'Mac,' Jake began, 'you remember the grown up drinks we tell you about? And how you can't drink them until you become sixteen?'

'Yeah,' Mac responded.

'Well, sometimes when Mommy drinks too much, she becomes hyperactive, just like you do when you have too much ice cream.'

'Oh,' Mac said as he processed his dad's words. He then laughed. 'Mommy's funny when she's dancing,' he pointed out.

'Yeah, she is,' Jake said slowly.

The dancing lasted for another ten minutes or so, until the kids got tired. Amy started yawning too and Jake realized this was the time everything would return to normal. 'Okay, Ames,' he said, 'I'm gonna put the kids to bed, you go to our bedroom, okay?' Amy didn't respond and left the room, dancing.

After putting Liz and Mac down, Jake started tucking Harry in. 'Daddy?' the boy called.

'Yeah, Bud?' Jake responded.

'Dancing with Mommy was fun,' he said sleepily.

Jake smiled a bit. 'I'm sure it was,' he agreed.

'Can we dance like that at Uncle Charlie and Aunt Genie's wedding?'

'Yeah,' said Jake as he ruffled his son's hair, 'but that's in a month. Just go to sleep for now, okay?'

'Okay. Goodnight, Daddy.'

'Goodnight, Harry.'

When he reached his own room, he couldn't see Amy. 'Ames?' he called out.

'Yeah?' she responded from their joined bathroom. At least she was hearing and responding well.

'You alright in there?' Jake asked.

'Never better,' she replied. At least she wasn't slurring her words.

'You ready for bed?'

'No.'

'What? Well, what do you wanna do then?'

Just then she came out of the bathroom. She had a bottle of beer in her hand, which Jake could tell was already empty. 'You,' she responded as she put the bottle down and started kissing Jake.

Jake was surprised at first but he then kissed her back as he helped them into bed. Honestly, who could blame him for wanting to have sex with his awesome wife?