-Cerulean Elpharae, Victor of the 127th Annual Hunger Games-
He felt like shit as the train continued to move forward, towards home. After getting out of the Arena, he was so hyped up on adrenaline, excited to be alive, inspired to go back home and make a real change, help the families that were so hurt…
But now that he was here, actually on his way to District Seven, he felt sick to his stomach. He felt foolish for even thinking he could do those things. The courage that had brought him out of the Arena had all but completely faded away. Now, he didn't know how he was going to achieve any of that. It was like the courage had been sucked out of him, and he was left the same timid person he had been before going into the Games.
That made Ceru sick to his stomach. He didn't want to be that person again. But after everything that happened to him, he had no idea how he was going to cope.
The lights of the room flickered on and off, and he looked over at where Maud was to get his attention. She entered the room and sat across from Ceru.
"Tea?" she held out a mug.
"Thanks." He reached out and took the handle from her. It was the tea he loved in the Capitol. Now, it just tasted bland, like nothing. As determined as he was, he had a long road ahead of him. Sometimes he wondered if his fire would burn long enough for him to reach the end of that path.
"Are you ready to go -?" he could fill in the word he missed. The question was whether or not to be honest with her. He had stood in front of a Capitol crowd, that applauded and stomped their feet so much the floor shook under his shoulders. He stood tall as Blossius put the crown on his head, but that didn't mean he was ready to face the District he had once called home. He was ready learn sign language, but when Piccolo signed his interview questions, he didn't understand them. It would be a huge learning curve.
It wasn't that he thought he couldn't do it. Sometimes, he just wondered. Doubt crept into his brain when he tried to sleep at night. Pictures of the faces of those whose lives he'd taken were burned into his memory.
"No," he finally said. He was trying not to be so paranoid, and he knew that if anyone had his back, it was Maud. She had a calm, motherly aura about her.
"Nobody is."
"They always seemed so happy," Ceru said thoughtfully.
"Helen had an anxiety attack on her way hum." Ceru thought back to how strong and beautiful she looked when she returned home. It was all just one big act, though. It seemed that much of this was one act. And Ceru always thought he could read people. "You'll be okay."
He wished he hadn't been told that that enough to recognize the lip movements immediately. "I don't have a choice right now."
"Oh sweetie," Maud reached over and put her hand on his knee softly. She heard the wobble in his voice before he even knew the tears were coming.
Ceru hated crying like this. He wanted to be strong.
There is strength in every tear you shed. That was what Helen told him. He had trouble believing her.
Maud let him go for a little while, as Ceru let out tears of pure worry and fear at coming home. What if things were different? He was different. Maybe it would be easier if he tried to be who he was before. What if the people around him didn't accept the new Ceru? Why did he care about that? He hadn't cared in the Games. Now he was getting cold feet… Dammit.
When he looked back up, he had no idea how much time had passed. Maud was still sitting with him, sipping her tea, and the scenery was still whizzing by out the window.
Damn, he was exhausted. And sleep would never come.
"Go - your -." Without the context, he couldn't tell what she meant.
"I'm… Sorry?" he practically winced at being back in this position again.
Maud made a motion, rubbing her face with her hands. What?
"Wash your –"
"My face." He got it now.
Ceru nodded obediently and got up to walk back to the sink and get himself put together. The cold water felt so good on his hot, teary cheeks, and on his stinging eyes. He splashed a couple more times, feeling the coolness on his cheeks, and felt refreshed again. Things weren't right, but he was going to make them right. One step at a time. He had a whole lifetime in front of him to figure it out, after all.
The images from the Games replay were still burned in his mind. Watching each of them die again, watching Lonan torture the boy before Owen killed him. Watching Camellia attack someone that was her ally for no reason… Ceru trusted her. But it was perplexing. He knew he wasn't ready to watch it all again: and he learned just how far each of them had come.
Owen's mother was in remission. That was why Ceru needed to care for her. He was going to do everything he could for her. Her, and the Gallens, who had lost both of their children… Ceru splashed his face one more time before he went back out to Maud, who had a glass of water for him.
"Drink, or else you'll get duh eye dra—d" Dehydrated. Ceru nodded obediently. He didn't want to get a headache, so he drank the whole glass obediently.
The lights flickered again, and Helen was at the door, pointing behind her shoulder as Ceru's stylists approached. Ashton Mai was a kind man, and Ceru was glad that he was under such competent care as he was taken back to a different car specifically to change and get ready for the big moment.
He got more and more nervous as the moments passed by. He would never be ready for this moment. It was coming too quickly.
The train came to a stop just as they made the finishing touches on his outfit: making sure the sleeves were rolled up and buttoned, ensuring that his deep purple tie was straight.
Ceru took a deep breath, when Ashton waved to get his attention.
"For you." He took Ceru's jacket and attached the pin of the pink flower to his lapel. Camellia.
"Thank you Ashton," Ceru said, accompanied by the sign for good measure.
Maud appeared in the doorway again, ready to take him. Ceru's heart pounded in his chest as they walked out of the train, down the path into the Justice Building. He couldn't hear to know if the mayor was making his speech. He couldn't hear the crowd at all. He had no idea what he was in for.
If it weren't for his mentor holding his hand as they walked, Ceru surely would have bolted away by now. The Justice Building was brighter, lighter than he remembered it as they walked through the hallway. He could feel the nerves overtaking him as they moved forward, his legs shaking more and more with each step.
It felt like the world was closing in on him.
He and Maud moved ahead, standing together behind the big doors, which were now closed. Ceru could feel himself trembling, and Maud gave his hand a gentle squeeze. He couldn't see if she was saying anything in the dark, but he could see the motion of her nodding her head.
Suddenly, the large doors started to swing open. Maud was gone in a flash, allowing Ceru to have his moment. He was exposed to the world, squinting as he stepped out on the stage.
He was greeted with a District that did not clap. Instead, they all had their hands up in the air, all of them waving and wiggling their fingers. Applause that he could see.
Ceru's hands shook as he grabbed onto the microphone that was in front of him. "District Seven, I am p… pa-roud to return to you." A loose tear rolled down his cheek at the support he was being shown. Already, he managed to change something. There was hope. He could do this.
"Thi-s is my home, and I lo… love it." He could feel his nervous stutter returning, and as he got passionate, it only became worse. But now, unlike the Ceru that left this place, he wasn't ashamed of it.
"I hope you will f…forg…g-give me for what I have done." How could he ask forgiveness when he didn't forgive himself!? "I am g…glad to be your newest Victor. I will con-cont… con… co…" he took a moment to steel himself, taking a deep breath. "I will kee…eep making you proud. Thank you." He extended his hand to the District, and they put their hands up, their mouths open as if they were wooping perhaps, as Ceru shook the mayor's hand, who gave him a smile, and the crowd started to disperse to go to the feast.
He stepped off the stage. His parents were waiting for him at the bottom. His father looked regretful: as he very well should be. His mother's breaths shook as she gasped with tears, hugging her son. Ceru gave them pleasantries, but he was really looking for someone else.
Elphias almost tackled him in a huge hug, rubbing his head with a fist, and he could feel his chest moving as if he were either laughing or sobbing. A look up at his friend's face confirmed that it was both. Ceru hugged his friend tightly, so happy to see him: but mostly happy that he was happy to see Ceru. He clapped Ceru on the back as he gave his congratulations.
Ceru was smiling now, but he still felt a nervous bubble in his chest.
He felt a tap on his back, and when he saw her there, Ceru scooped her up into his arms, lifting her off the ground. He could feel the vibration of her laughing from her chest as he spun her around. She was gripping him just as tightly as he was gripping her. Clair buried her face in his shoulder, and Ceru breathed in the familiar scent of his best friend. The two stood there, embracing tightly, for a long while, and all the hell he'd been through was worth it for just this moment. It felt like there was nobody else, no one there to haunt Ceru, no one there to tear them apart…
He pulled back only slightly so that he could look at her face. The tears that glistened in straight trails down her cheeks, the slight quiver of her lip, but the corners were turned up in a smile. Ceru hated to see her cry, despite the fact that he was now crying as well. He reached over to brush the tears off of her cheeks.
"I missed you," she said, and he pulled her in for another hug, he missed her so damn much. She returned the embrace, tightly holding onto his arms and shoulders.
"I mi…ssed you too," he said, through his tears, still holding onto her.
He pulled back again, smiling at her, and he felt her hand thumping his chest. When he looked down, he saw a sign that he knew. I love you.
Ceru put up his hand in the same sign, and he had to physically will himself to let her go. But now her face had a different expression on it that he couldn't really read. She looked like she was thinking through something.
"Clair?" he raised his eyebrows at asking the question, having no idea if his inflection was right.
"I love you," she said, and the look on her face made Ceru's eyes widen as she grabbed his face. "I love you!"
Ceru didn't know what to say. He'd just been through so much shit with the Games, he definitely wasn't in a position to take care of her like he was before… But his heart beat faster. He didn't want to let her go. He didn't ever want to let her go. He wanted to be with her.
Clair dropped her hands off his face, biting her lip and turning to walk away. Ceru quickly reached out, grabbed her shoulder, turned her around, and pressed his lips on hers. Clair melted into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him back fervently. She was the first one to pull back, but the smile that spread across her face was too irresistible, and he kissed her again, which eventually dissolved he started laughing, and she laughed too, both of them like idiots, noses pressed against each other, breathing the same air as they looked into each other's eyes.
They stayed there, completely still, staring at each other: slightly in shock, their smiles so close they almost bumped teeth, hearts pounding in sync with the other.
He wiped the tears off of her eyes with his thumb, and they only had a second to prepare before they were glomped by Elphias, who was grinning ear to ear.
"I'm hungry!" said Clair, and Ceru felt a rumble in his stomach. She didn't let go of his hand, and together the three friends went to the long, stretching tables filled with food. He looked over at Clair, whose smile was wider than ever as she loaded up her plate, the only reason she had to let go of Ceru's hand.
They could talk logistics later… there was so much pain in Ceru now that hadn't been there before.
But he wasn't worried about that now.
He finally felt like he had a reason to celebrate.
~.~.
Two weeks after the death of Philander Markov
She was helpless. There was nothing she could do.
Calliope Fortier was always the one being protected by her brothers. Now, it was her turn. She hated that she had to be this person for someone she loved so much: someone that lost so much. But the fact that Pri was so crushed was slowing eating away at Calliope. It had been weeks, and he showed zero improvement: he still spent his days staring at the wall, blankly. He didn't want to hear music, he didn't want to go outside, he couldn't see the beauty in anything. Calliope wanted to get him to a therapist, but he refused. He was barely even vulnerable with Calliope: let alone a complete and total stranger.
The dishes sat in the sink, dirty. The mail sat on his table, unopened. His many notebooks of scripts sat untouched, unedited, collecting dust. Every time Calliope came, the place looked the same, but worse.
There was nothing left for her to do. Her brother was rotting away in his room, his dreams and passions completely left behind, and Calliope couldn't do anything to stop that from happening. If she didn't drop by every day and make him eat, she was sure he wouldn't. He loved Philander Markov so much. Without him, Pri felt like nothing. Calliope's heart burned in rage every time she thought about that fateful night. The day of her first kiss with Thack would forever be soiled. She would never get to be fully happy on that day that had started so beautifully. It was a selfish thing of her to think: at least she still had her love here with her: but it was one of the many things that made her irreparably hurt by this situation. Phil was innocent. He didn't deserve to die that night. If anyone did, it was Numi. Did he even deserve it? She didn't know.
Last week, she'd tried to get Pri to go on a walk, and he at least came out to sit in the living room for his supper. That was at least one step forward.
It was before he heard back from the funeral home, saying that they weren't allowed to give Phil a funeral. His body had already been burned to ashes. They would not be allowed to come together to mourn. That sent him back into a spiral. Once, she had even come in to him sick, lethargic, as his tears left him dehydrated. And there was nothing she could do.
Every time she left his apartment, she felt like a damn failure. Thack was irreplaceable at this time: telling her she did all she could, that Pri would have to find it in himself to keep going when he would, and not to rush it. But Calliope feared every day for her brother's safety. He never made any indication of suicidal thoughts, but that didn't mean Calliope didn't dream of the worst happening. They were all grieving. They all had no idea how they were going to continue on. They all didn't' know what to do from here.
A loud knock on the door startled Calliope practically to screaming. She looked through the peephole and met a face she had never seen before: but was familiar to her. If Kat hadn't taught her self-defense, she wouldn't have opened the door. But she did.
Priapus's mind replayed memories like a broken record. All of the good times he'd had with such an amazing man… Just to have him taken away. Priapus was so sure his future was made, until it wasn't. What was he going to do? How was he going to continue on when even standing on his own two feet seemed like a gargantuan task!? Phil was everything to him. And he wasn't even there to try and protect him…
If he had only known that their goodbye after phase one of the party would have been his last goodbye. Maybe he would have held onto him for one second longer.
Tears tickled his face as they rolled down his cheeks, snot bubbling up in his nose. That seemed to be all he could do now. Waste away here. The thought of doing anything he once loved was like a stab to his heart. All of it hurt too much. Even getting a piece of toast from the kitchen seemed too much for Pri. Each footstep just seemed like agony. He had no drive left. He could die, go to be with Phil, leave Calliope alone, save her the burden. But he didn't even have the energy or the courage to do that. He hadn't worn make-up in days. It would always run off. Calliope tried, but she couldn't bring back his music. Nobody could bring back his music. His nose hurt from being wiped so often, his dry skin begging for a real wash, for no more salty tears, but he couldn't stop. He was absolutely powerless. Without Phil, he felt like he was nothing. All of his drive was sucked out of him. He didn't know how his tired heart would keep beating through the night. He dreamed of the gory scene over and over again. It was all that he could dream of. It was all that consumed him.
He heard a loud thump on his door. Pri squeezed more tears out of his eyes. "Go away Calliope!" He didn't want to talk right now. He didn't want her to try and drag him out of the house anymore. Maybe Pri didn't want to be happy. And with what he's been through, why should he have to be happy? Why should anyone believe he would be happy?
"Pri!"
It was a voice that sent shivers down his spine. One that he hadn't heard in so long. One that belonged to someone Pri was not ready to face.
"I don't want to talk Az," he said again. "There's nothing to say."
"Oh there's something to say!" said Az, and the anger in his voice only made Pri feel worse: and more irritable by association. "I'm not leaving until we talk. Face to face."
Pri growled a little bit as he grabbed the handle and pulled open the door to face Phil's brother. "What do you want?"
This wasn't who Pri was. This wasn't who he wanted to be. But he did not want to be messed with. He did not want to be counselled. He wanted to grieve the loss of the man he loved. Why did nobody understand that?
Phil's younger brother had his fists balled, looking at Pri with fiery eyes: eyes that he simply couldn't look at right now.
"It's Henryk," said Az, and his arms started to shake.
Pri felt his eyes widen in shock. In horror.
Azriel already had tears streaming down his face, just at the mention of his youngest brother's name. "One of his tumors ruptured. He had a stroke." Az let out a muffled sob. "He's been unresponsive for days. We've tried everything. He's just… giving up." He took a few gasping breaths in. "We've done everything we can do to get him to wake up. But we can't."
Pri's body was rocking with sobs. Not Henryk… They already took Phil, but why did they have to take Henryk? He was so young! WHY!? It wasn't fair. None of this was fucking fair.
"You're our only hope," said Az quietly. "He's been waiting for a letter back for a week. If he could just hear your voice…"
"You think I can face Henryk after what happened to Phil!?" Pri snapped. He couldn't. There was no way. "You think I can face anything after what happened to Phil?!"
"You're damn lucky that you have a fucking choice what you want to face! Do you even realize that?!" his voice resonated off of the walls of the room.
"I don't have a choice. If I had a choice he would be alive!"
"Well I don't have a choice but to watch both of my brothers die!" Az yelled out with a sob. "At least you can choose to sit here, locked up in your room, and pretend that it's not happening, that the world isn't still spinning!"
"Az…" Pri could feel his face softening, all anger fading away into desperation. "No…"
"I came to give you this. We found it when we were cleaning out his room, and it belongs to you."
Pri looked at the CD dropped in his bed. "I can't listen to this," he said, unable to control the frown that spread across his face. He couldn't.
Azriel shook his head. "I have to go. I have to catch the first train home. I can't let my little brother die alone." He turned around with a sniffle, and quickly ran out of the room.
"Az, wait!" called Pri, but the boy didn't stop on his way out the door, slamming it shut as he left. Pri held the CD in his hands, his lips trembling as his body contracted with sobs that felt like they were stealing the air from his lungs.
"I'm so sorry Pri…" Calliope said. "He'll come around."
Pri wiped the tears that were escaping his eyes, staring out the door that Az left. "No," said Pri in a low, trembling voice. "He's right."
Pri moved, with purpose, to the bathroom. He took the quickest shower he'd ever taken. He put on a new set of clothes. He did a quick face of make-up. He grabbed a bag, he threw in a change of clothes. He put on shoes. He went out to the kitchen and threw on a jacket from the coat closet.
"Pri!" said Calliope. "Wh… Where are you going?"
"I have to catch up to him," Pri said, his voice burning with fire. "I'm taking the next train back to District Three."
Before she could say anything else, Pri hurried out the door. He was determined now. He walked down the streets, head down, straight to the station. He saw the boy standing there, waiting, his face twisted in concern as he tapped his foot.
"Az!" called Pri, and the boy turned around, eyes widening in surprise.
"Pri?"
His lips trembled. "Please. I need to see him."
.
It was a sight out of his worst imagination. Henryk, hooked up to machines that were giving him life. Each breath was slow, heavy. The sight of that terrible room. His face had once been constantly smiling, and was now set in a straight, unmoving line.
Pri could barely stand it. The fact that this young person was here… He hurried to be by his side, his heart being squeezed with tears. Az stood in the doorway, his face in concern.
"Go to your parents," Pri told him, as they exchanged pained expressions. "I'll stay here."
Azriel nodded, ducking out of the door and going to where his parents were sitting.
"Henryk?" he said, with a shaking voice. "It's Pri." He took the boy's hand, receiving no response. "I'm… So sorry…" he said quietly, barely able to talk through the tears that blurred his vision. "I'm so sorry I didn't respond to your letter." Guilt crashed over him as he hung his head, tears rolling down his face that he couldn't control. "The truth is that I took losing Phil hard… I thought that shutting myself out from the world would make the pain go away…" he had to pause to let out another quiet sob. He didn't have time to try and make excuses. "I failed you… I'm sorry." He certainly felt like a failure. "But Henryk… If you can hear me at all… Please, you can't give up." Tears rolled out of his eyes. "It's not what Phil would have wanted for you." He felt like a hypocrite. Who was Pri to say those words? But he also realized that for himself. "He lives in you, Henryk, and through you. You can't let it end here, for Az, and your parents, me… Phil…" He realized that he had to try and pick up the broken pieces. "Please Henryk…" The machine started to pick up, a stronger ping, steadier paced. Could it be…!?
He didn't know how he found the strength, perhaps through Phil protecting him, but Pri found it in himself to sing.
"He lives in you…" his voice wobbled as he held Henryk's hand, weakly getting out the chorus.
"He lives in me…
He watches over…
Everything we see…
Into the water… Into the truth…
In your reflection…"
He felt a light pressure squeeze his pinky finger.
"He…" his voice caught with tears, and he started the line over.
"He lives in you."
The door opened, and a doctor came in as Henryk took in a deep breath, one of his eyes flickering open. His family must have been summoned, as they all rushed into the room, taking care of Henryk and checking his vitals as he gave the room a bleary, long blink.
Pri felt relief course through him. He could relax knowing that Henryk was going to be alright. He stood up, ready to excuse himself, when Az collapsed into his arms, crying and holding him like they were going to take Pri away from him. Pri squeezed tears out of his eyes, returning the hug, as so much relief and deep pain filled the room.
Pri had no choice but to live out his words now that Henryk was awake and depending on him to set an example. Somehow, he would have to figure out how to keep going without Phil. It wasn't something he thought he could do: or he would ever have to do: but Pri wasn't going to let himself rot away while Phil's killers ran free. That was what they wanted.
He had to be something more. He had to chase the dreams that they always had together. At this point, what other choice did he have?
He looked at the little boy in front of him. He was going to have an extremely mentally and physically taxing recovery ahead of him. He was going to need Pri, and Az, to support him now that he didn't have Phil.
I'll be there for him in your absence Phil, he thought in his head, his heart squeezed by the pain that was overtaking him, knowing that the man that was his forever was truly gone, ripped away from him so soon…
I might have lost my music… But it will live on in all of us.
~.~.
It was after dark when they had the make-shift funeral for Phil. It wasn't official: it had to be kept secret. Henryk was getting better by the day, and Az kept in touch with each small milestone. It was a small group: Wolf said they could only have so many people here, and Pri could see why. It was one of the only places outside of the Capitol's eye. He didn't know that such a place like this existed, but all he wanted was the closure of being able to say goodbye.
God, he wasn't ready to say goodbye…
Pri sat as soon as he arrived. He couldn't stand, he was already in tears.
The rest of the members of Upward Voyager arrived, all of them sitting together. Pri could see on Ambrose's face that it was hard for them to let Thor go, but they knew that right now he needed his friends. Calliope stayed close to Pri's side, but she was relieved when Kat was there to sit next to her.
Like Pri, Pluto was already crying as they entered the room. Nobody had a smile for anyone else today, as hard as they tried.
Scorpio came with tissues, which were quickly distributed amongst the group. Wolf was the one that was greeting people, and leading them to the bunker. They all cleaned up nice. Thack was sobbing into Anakyn's shoulder, the pain obvious throughout the room.
"Well, everyone's here," said Wolf, as a silent tear rolled down Kat's cheek at how much pain he was obviously in. "We've gathered here today to say a final goodbye to our close friend, Philander Markov." No tears appeared on his face. "I thought that I should start by saying some words about him. And anyone that would like to speak after me may." Wolf took a deep breath. "I met Phil because I heard him practicing piano, and I could hear his great talent. I wanted to form a band, but I knew that Upward Voyager needed him. He was reluctant. He didn't think music was for him. I had to give him puppy eyes, and even then, I was afraid that he would ruin their perfect track record." Through their tears, the other band members managed to laugh at the memory. "And… I was right. Upward Voyager did need Phil. And without him, it doesn't exist. I thought we had gained a singer, a pianist, but what we really gained was so much more. We gained a kind and extremely talented individual, that knew when to reign the rest of us in, that would laugh with us and cry with us. I think we can all agree that Phil was the guy to go to when any of us had any troubles or needed any advice." The sobs coming from the group of friends in the front confirmed it as true. "We gained a person that was driven for greatness for this group. He was full of new ideas, and he was the kind of person that would make them happen. He was our yes man."
Thor put his arm around Scorpio, pulling him close as Scorpio cried into his chest.
"For me, personally, Phil was a friend when I needed him. He was always there, and I knew that he would drop everything to come help me when and if I was in need. He only wanted to protect the ones he loved the most. He would want us to lean on each other during this time of such deep pain." He took a deep breath. "You deserved far better, my man. I'm… So sorry." He swallowed a lump in his throat.
"Whoever else wants to talk can step forward."
The group was silent until an unlikely hand came up. Thack blew his nose and stood up in front of the people he loved so much.
"Phil… Was my best friend." He let out another quiet sob. "I knew I could trust him. I knew he wanted me to succeed. Even when I was a total jerk, Phil was… kind to me. He is the reason why I am who I am today. I owe him everything." Thack squeezed more tears out of his eyes. "I'm so sorry. You died, and all I could do is hide under a goddamn table!"
"Thack…" Calliope said, her face covered in tears and standing up.
"No, it's true," sobbed Thack, and Calliope sunk back into her seat. "It's true. I love you Phil. It's true. I'm so sorry." The room went into a miserable silence, filled only by quiet, muffled sobs.
"Phil was a good man. I always wanted to be like him, and he was the youngest of the band." Thor gave a small smile as the group laughed through their tears. "Though he was young, I looked up to him. He was strong for his brothers, he was diligent in his studying, he was talented musically. I would watch him perform, and I would just say… 'Damn,' y'know? 'I want to be like him when I grow up.'" It gained a laugh from everyone, as they all knew what he was talking about. "He will be missed. He was so deeply loved, and we are so deeply hurt. We miss you, Phil." He buried his face in Scorpio's hair.
"Betting on crazy shit isn't going to be the same without Phil there to be right about it," Scorp said through his tears, and the rest of the group agreed. "He was a class act, that one. Always had something nice to say. I think something that the others haven't said yet is just how helpful he was. Always, and with a smile. Carrying equipment, making breakfast for everyone, he always wanted to help without complaint. Just because that was the kind of guy he was, y'know? He was a life changer, that one." They all agreed to that, especially Pri, who leaned on Calliope and couldn't control his tears.
"I didn't know Phil for very long," started Calliope. "But after only six months, I considered him my brother." Kat rubbed circles on her back as she continued. "He acted like everyone's brother, really." That gave her a chorus of vocal agreement. "He was a family person. He loved everyone, and protected them. You know… I'm sure that he's happy up there, because he would have rather taken that bullet than seen any of us take it. As badly as we all wished we could have protected him… He wouldn't have accepted any of our protection. And it hurts, but we all know it's true." Murmurs of agreement filled the rooms, as sobs quieted into silent tears. "I miss him so much, and we will never be able to fill the void he left. But that's because of how much he loved us. Each and every one of us."
"I love you too Phil," said Pluto, and everyone soon followed suit.
"Saying goodbye is hard. But he really did change so many lives, and that will continue to have an impact if we carry him with us through the hard times," said Ambrose, and everyone nodded.
"We had so many good times too," said Anakyn, blowing his nose. "We'll always remember them. I still have that picture from our beach vacation on my wall. Every time I see it, it hurts, but I smile. I just wish they could have lasted…" Everyone agreed.
Pri couldn't speak, but he didn't have to. Phil knew.
"We will miss Phil, but Calliope is right," said Kat, as concluding words. "He would have rather gone than have his family be hurt. Now, it falls on us to continue protecting and loving each other in his absence. It certainly won't be easy. But I think that what you guys in the front row have is so special. Never let go of that. Upward Voyager was more than just a band. It became a family. A family that included your fans, your friends, your partners. I feel lucky to have been a part of it." She smiled through misty eyes at Wolf holding Pluto on his lap, Thor and Scorp cuddled close, Thack now nestled in between them all. "Never forget this feeling. Never forget how lucky you all have been to have something this special." She wiped her eyes one last time. "Ready to bury?"
"No," said Wolf, but it was time.
The group stayed close together as they went out to the area above the bunker, where a few small plots were dug. The original members of the group: Wolf, Thor, and Scorpio, along with Pluto filling in for Phil's spot, put the very first T-Shirts they'd made for the band in the ground.
They each managed a fond smile at the memories that had been given to them by those shirts. How proud Wolf was when they made them, how excited they were for their first gig… The thrill of being on stage with an audience for the first time… Meeting Pluto, Capitol pride, the laughter they'd shared, the tears when Scorp quit, when Thor's heart was broken, when Pluto dropped out, when Wolf graduated… The excitement, the rush of playing for the Capitol, supporting Pluto at their first pride, headlining a party, keeping from Thor who he drunk kissed, seeing signs made for them, hearing cheers, meeting Dalton and changing him, betting on stupid shit, vacations together, baby pictures, nude photo shoots, body image issues, dyed hair, bright lights, singing on a damn ferris wheel together…
Tears dripped onto the shirts as they buried their band: that they had loved and nurtured so much: with dirt, burying their dreams along with their friend.
When they patted the plots with the shovel, Wolf finally collapsed, sobs racking his body, and the others were soon by his side, trying to give comfort they couldn't possibly give as he believed that it was his fault. His friends, his family, gathered around him, all of them with a hand on him, trying to reassure him, but it would never come.
Wolf cried over the buried shirts, the group that had once been close as brothers, destroyed now by the guns of Peacekeepers that should have been trained on him. Pri held tightly onto Calliope, Kat there to rub his back and support him, tears streaming down her cheeks as she looked at her Stellan in concern at the final physical sign of goodbye to such a kind, protective, and loyal person.
It was the end of an era.
They're going to pay for what they did to us.
The tears slowly but surely began to quiet as the unlikely group of friends held each other close. Family.
"I have to go," said Pluto, somewhat suddenly, after long moments of them standing together.
"I should head back to District Three," said Pri, frowning nervously. The others gave reluctant agreement to the sentiment, having to go back to their various different busy lives. With last hugs, the group dispersed, until only a few were left.
"Where are you off to in such a hurry?" Wolf asked, giving a slightly nervous smile as Thor lingered, waiting for Pluto to catch up.
"I…." they looked away from Wolf, and that immediately made him frown, before looking back up at him. "I'm going to a press conference. I'm publicly denouncing the traitorous words that caused this."
Wolf's heart sunk to his stomach. "You…"
"It's not that they aren't true," they said, looking away from him again. "But I don't think that violence like that is going to help anything. They already took Phil from us. Who else has to die?"
"You don't think it's worth it."
"Do you?" They looked to the grave with a small sniffle.
Wolf didn't know what to say. Pluto had backed him into a corner. "They keep targeting our children," he said, finally. "We can't sit back and allow that to continue."
"I agree with you," Pluto said, "I really do. But…" they sighed. "The death of thousands isn't the way to end it. I'm really optimistic that we can change the mindset of my District, and then, if they lose their greatest entertainment in the Careers, the system will crumble. That's our new plan. Nobody else has to die."
Except for countless young teens, that could include Henryk, thought Wolf, but he didn't say it out loud. "Well…" he didn't know what to say.
He disagreed fervently, but he wasn't like Pluto. Pluto had a new little nephew, and multiple siblings to take care of. They had Demetrius. They had so much on the line. Too much for them to afford doing anything reckless. That didn't make it hurt any less, but Wolf understood why. He didn't agree at all: but who was Wolf to talk?
Wolf took a deep breath, taking one of Pluto's hands. "I'm proud of you for deciding the path that you want to take." There had been so many people pulling them in so many different directions, including Wolf. "If you think this is the best way, then I can't stop you. I think that now is the time to stop them from targeting our kids. But, you're right that it will mean innocents like Phil get killed." He would never forgive himself. It should have been Wolf on that stage and they all knew it. "I don't blame you. I hope that your plan works and that you can keep your loved ones safe. It's… probably best for them that you cut contact with me, though."
"Wolf…"
"I'm not going to speak out." He balled his fists in determination. "That is what I think is right."
Pluto's eyes filled with tears as they jumped into Wolf's arms, a hug he quickly returned, holding tightly onto his friend. He just felt so honored that he got the great privilege to watch them grow and spread their wings.
"I love you," Pluto said quietly, holding onto him tightly.
"Love you too," Wolf barely managed to get it out.
Over their shoulder, Wolf locked eyes with Thor, who was obviously waiting for Pluto, his face conflicted and shameful. He couldn't even look at Wolf. He was obviously worried about his family, but Wolf really thought that he wouldn't…
Pluto let go of Wolf, looking up at him with a tearstained face for one more moment, before letting go of his hands, and slowly walking back over to Thor with one more glance behind their shoulder.
Wolf bit his lip, swallowing a lump in his throat and trying to smile as he waved to his friends. They had travelled so far together, but they were taking different paths now. There was a fork in the road.
For all the things he'd seen and done in his tumultuous twenty-five years of life, watching them walk away was by far the hardest for him to endure.
"Stellan…" Kat whispered quietly, and he hadn't realized he was frozen until she put her hand on his arm.
"Let's go back," he said quietly, giving one last look to the buried plots. Phil wanted to protect Henryk and other kids like him from the Games. Wolf wasn't going to rest until he did that, in Phil's absence.
"Are you sure you're ready?" she interlocked her fingers with his, looking up with concern.
He would never be ready to leave like this. He looked at the buried plots on the ground, a new rage burning in his gut at the loss of his innocent friend, the end of the happiest era of his life. He was going to make them all pay.
The blood of the martyrs will water the meadows of France.
~.~.
A/N: I'm sorry but I'm not sorry. I'm most sorry about my dehydrated crying headache, but I have no regrets. So, many of you predicted it, but Phil is the first martyr and it is the end of an era as UV separates and they each go different directions!
Hope you enjoyed this angst-fest with our Victor coming home!
CQ: I hurt too much to think of one, so just go nuts lol.
Next up: District epilogues!